July 3, 2025 • 33 mins
Are you tired of experiencing the same patterns of heartbreak, anxiety, or emotional unavailability in your relationships? It may be time to explore your attachment style. In this video, we'll dive into the three main attachment styles - anxious, avoidant, and secure - and how they impact your relationships. Learn how your attachment style may be driving your relationships and what you can do to break free from unhealthy patterns. Whether you're single, in a relationship, or just curious about yourself, this video will provide you with valuable insights to improve your connections with others.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Attachment theory itself was first studied inthe nineteen fifties, and what they were doing
is they were observing how young children wereinteracting with their mothers.
Essentially, we have two broad categories.
We have secure attachment and insecureattachment.
Why is this actually important?
(00:20):
Because everyone has an attachment style.
We're talking about a set of patterns that welearn very early on in our life from, like,
zero to five is when we first get patterned.
Attachment styles are learned behavior.
And so with that, we also know that it can beunlearned and relearned.
(00:43):
Right?
So we can naturally shift depending on our lifeexperiences, but we can also shift if we do the
work to become become consciously aware of ourpatterns and make an effort to shift out of
those old patterns that are no longer servingus.
The person who is anxiously avoidant, they arethe ones who came out of a home where their
(01:11):
emotional attunement from their parent was likeon on and off.
So maybe their parent was an alcoholic oremotionally unavailable or there are too many
siblings in the family.
They know what love feels like but they nevergot it consistently.
Some of the wounds that they carry are thingslike people who are disorganized on the fearful
avoidance side, they tend to
(01:37):
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Now back to our show.
(02:22):
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to another episode on the lounge.
I'm your host, board sexologist, boardcertified sexologist, I should say, and libido
expert, doctor Diane Mueller, and I am thrilledabout introducing you to Bev Mittelman.
Bev is the founder of a amazing, amazingpractitioner and relationship business that she
(02:46):
will tell us all about called Securely Loved,and we're gonna talk about something that I've
mentioned on the show before that I think ispivotal for healthy relationships, for
relationships where people feel attached in ahealthy way, and a way that's allowing them to
move through the relationships fluidly and withgood conversation and good boundaries and and
(03:10):
good, ability for each person to have a levelof their own freedom and autonomy and whatever
that looks like for the uniqueness of them andtheir relationship.
So I've seen attachment theory work so manywonders on my life and my relationships, not
only romantically but even with my friends.
So this is gonna be such a cool conversation.
(03:31):
Welcome to the show Bev.
Thank you so much.
I'm so happy to be here with you and youraudience.
Well, wonderful to have you, and and I knowsome of our listeners have heard of attachment
theory.
I know this is not new for everybody, but let'sget everybody on the same page here because I
know there's also tons of listeners that arelike, wow.
I can make my guesses, but what exactly isthat?
(03:53):
So before we get into some fun details, can youhelp just kinda lay the foundation of
attachment theory, attachment styles, what isit, and why does it matter?
Yeah.
So it's a great place to start.
So attachment theory itself was first studiedin the nineteen fifties.
And what they were doing is they were observinghow young children were interacting with their
(04:14):
mothers and then what would happen when themother would leave the room, how the child
would react, and then when the mother reenteredthe room.
Right?
And they were able to identify very distinctpatterns.
Now fast forward to more of today's world, wetalk about attachment styles.
Right?
So this is coming off of that work from thenineteen fifties.
(04:37):
Right?
So, I'm sure you've heard about differentattachment styles.
Essentially, we have two broad categories.
We have secure attachments and insecureattachments.
And in the bucket of insecure attachment, wehave three subcategories.
Those that are anxiously attached, it's like acontinuum.
(04:59):
So on one side, those that are anxiouslyattached or anxious preoccupied.
Then you have those who are avoidantly attachedor dismissive avoidant.
And then there's a small group of people whohave what's called disorganized attachment or
fearful attachment, and they have traits ofboth anxious and both the avoidant.
(05:20):
So that's sort of in broad strokes what we'rewhat we're looking at.
Now now why is this actually important?
Because everyone has an attachment style.
So we're not talking about mental illness,personality disorder.
We're talking about a set of patterns that welearn very early on in our life from, like,
(05:41):
zero to five is when we first get patternedbased on the interaction that we had with our
primary caregiver.
Right?
So we learn a lot of things in terms ofunderstanding our emotions, trusting, finding
healthy ways to communicate, understandingboundaries.
All of that foundational work starts really,really early.
(06:05):
And so it matters because we all have anattachment style.
And as we grow up into adulthood and we starthaving relationships with other adults,
romantic relationships or friendships or familymembers, whatnot, our, attachment style impacts
us directly and very acutely in terms of how wecommunicate, in terms of how we perceive things
(06:32):
like our lens, in terms of our emotionalpatterns, in terms of our relationship to
boundaries, and also our coping behaviors.
Right?
So it's really broad reaching.
So I wanna go into some of the characteristicsof each one of these because I think Sure.
Help people.
I know I think I saw on your website you have aquiz.
(06:55):
Is that correct?
For, like, the Yes.
Yeah.
So we'll make sure we put that quiz.
You guys, we'll make sure we put that in theshow notes so you guys can take this quiz and
help determine you determine what yourattachment style is.
But before we go into some of more of thosedetails, one question I have is, like, do you
find because a lot of times I feel like when wetalk about, okay, so these archetypical type of
(07:16):
models, and this isn't exactly that.
When we talk about these models oftentimes ofdevelopment or of personality, Oftentimes, it's
said that you can like, we have a predominantone, and then you have, like, you know, all of
the other sub ones, right, that you can kindamove in and out of these different types of
styles.
So with these four major different types ofattachment theory, you know, one being the
(07:38):
secure and three being the subcategories ofinsecure like you mentioned, do you find that
people have, like, their dominant style andthen there are certain things that'll trigger
them into going into the other types of, say,styles here?
What is how do how do is it fluid versusstagnant, I guess, is my question.
How does this all work?
(07:59):
So excellent question, doctor Diane.
I love this.
Because, really, we are most suggestible ashumans, all of us, when we're super young.
Right?
Zero to five.
So that initial patterning has great impact onus, the greatest impact.
And so we all develop a primary style,typically with a secondary style as well.
(08:20):
So what does that look like?
I can, for example, be primarily securelyattached, but I lean anxious, which means that
I could have some anxious traits, but most ofthe time, my behavior would be more aligned
with someone who's securely attached.
And we can we can talk about that a little bitlater.
Now as we go through adulthood, all of us, wego through life, we go through, you know,
(08:45):
challenging moments.
Right?
And so we all experience, different levels oftrauma, different levels and types of
interrelationships with other people, and thiscan impact where we end up on the spectrum.
So there is a level of fluidity.
Right?
So it is a spectrum.
Nope.
(09:05):
I have yet to meet someone who squarely fallsin one.
Like, you're absolutely secure.
That's just it's not really how it works.
It's sort of like you're predominantly.
Right?
And so there's some fluidity based on our livedexperience, which means that, you know, if you
are, for example, insecurely attached andyou're lucky enough to find someone who is
(09:27):
securely attached and you're in a long termpartnership with them, that will be very
healing for you.
And what's more likely to happen is you willmove towards secure attachment as opposed to
the other person moving towards insecureattachments.
Right?
Because we tend to heal within the context ofrelationships.
So, all this to say, attachment styles arelearned behavior.
(09:53):
And so with that, we also know that it can beunlearned and relearned.
Right?
So we can naturally shift depending on our lifeexperiences, but we can also shift if we do the
work to become become consciously aware of ourpatterns and make an effort to shift out of
(10:15):
those old patterns that are no longer servingus.
That's really helpful.
I wanna emphasize one thing you said too inthere before moving on, which is you said, and
this is me paraphrasing, that that we'rehealing our relationships while in a
relationship.
And I wanted to to name that because I hadpast, past relationship I got out of, and I
(10:38):
went into therapy after this relationship.
And I was, like, starting to date somebody new,actually, who's now my my current, partner of
four years.
I was just starting to date him, and I was,like, telling my therapist, I was, like, I'm so
worried about going into this relationship and,like, bringing my past in.
I was like, don't I need to just, like, wait todate because of I need to be healed and I need
(11:00):
to be, like, you know, 100% and all thesethings.
And she said something that that was soprofound to me that you just named, which is if
it's a relationship situation, we actually healrelationships while in relationship.
And that was and so that kind of likepiggybacks off of what you said, and I just
think it's like such an important thing to namebecause there's such this belief oftentimes
(11:24):
where these teachings around like, okay, well,we have to be full and and full of our like in
ourselves and complete and all these thingswhen it's like, well, but does that actually
ever happen?
And maybe we do because it's a interrelationalproblem.
Maybe it requires an interrelational situationto heal.
So it sounds like that's what you've seen in inyour work then.
(11:45):
Is that true?
Very much.
And and you bring it yeah.
You bring up such a beautiful point.
Right?
So there's only so much awareness and selfreflection you can do on an individual basis.
The beautiful thing is when you're inpartnership, especially romantic partnership,
they will your partner will always trigger yourwounds.
(12:07):
Like, you have a way of doing that, and andit's it's purposeful.
It's to bring it to the surface so that you canaddress it, that you can heal it.
That's where the deep healing comes in.
Right?
Is now that I'm presented with that sametrigger, am I going to respond in the same
insecurely attached way that I did before, orcan I back up, apply my new skills, apply a
(12:33):
different thought pattern, and go, you knowwhat?
I'm gonna seek clarity before I just make allof these assumptions and stories.
So, yeah, these are opportunities to reallylearn and heal.
Okay.
So I wanna go from here and, like, present,say, a potential real life example.
Right?
Meaning
Sure.
Just trying to think of, like, what could besomething that triggers somebody because that's
(12:58):
a word that we throw around a lot, I think, inpersonal growth and development world, in
therapy, you know, this this trigger.
And in fact, my girlfriends and I often just,like, joke with each other, like, like, oh, I'm
so triggered if we don't like something thatsomebody else said because it's just, like,
it's just so, intense.
Overused?
That word.
Right?
(13:18):
Exactly.
So we play with it a lot just for humor, butthere is this element where I think it can
happen where it's like there like you said,it's like there's this memory of the past and
these stories of the past, and all of a suddensomething in the present is reminding us of
this thing in the past and our mind goes intostory, thought, feeling, emotion, all the
things, and we're having this incredible, youknow, rich and sometimes very intense
(13:43):
experience of the body.
So in thinking about how that applies to thisconversation around attachment theory, if let's
just take a a thing that could happen.
So in my mind, like, one easy thing to talkabout would be, okay, you know, meeting up on
date night, one partner is late, and the otherpartner is, like, dealing maybe with a past
(14:04):
history of this person that was always late,never seemed to care, all these things.
And all of a sudden, somebody is, like, reallylate for date night, And so we have a partner
that is triggered.
So in this situation, how walk us through, ifyou would, like, what does it look like for,
say, the person that, like, is there on time,and now they're having this emotional response
(14:29):
because they're triggered.
Now they're gonna respond from a secure placeversus these individual three insecure places,
avoidant attachment or avoidant, anxious, anddisorganized.
What does that look like how they respond fromeach of those types of orientations?
(14:49):
So I Doug, just in the I lost your audio for amoment.
The the question was just at the end is howwould each one of those orientations respond?
Correct.
Exactly.
So, basically, in thinking about, like, okay.
We're triggered in this moment just so to helppeople the purpose of this question is to help
people, like, understand, oh, this is, like,what we're meaning by, you know, this is how
(15:13):
anxious looks.
This is how avoidant looks, that sort of thing.
So if you can, like, use that as an as anexample to differentiate for everybody, that
would be great.
I love it.
Great question.
Okay.
So when we're talking about triggered, which Iagree with you, triggered is is overused.
The word trauma is overused in our societytoday too.
But when we're talking about triggered, whatwe're talking about is bringing up old core
(15:36):
wounds, old, and that are unhealed.
Right?
So it's very predictive, the core wounds thatyou will likely carry based on where you fall
on the attachment spectrum.
So someone who is securely attached will likelyhave very few core wounds.
(15:57):
Very few, which means that they generally cameout of a home where they were they received
consistent and predictable love.
So they also and emotional attunement.
They have a great degree of trust in themselvesand in others.
So if they're on date night and their partneris late, what they're likely to say is
(16:19):
something to the effect of, I hope they'reokay.
They're not gonna get emotional.
I they're gonna stay rational.
I hope they're okay.
Something really must have gone on.
They would have for sure given me the respectto contact me.
You know, let me give them ten more minutes,and then maybe I can figure out if they need my
help.
They're gonna be rational about it.
(16:39):
K?
Mhmm.
That's the secure person.
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(17:02):
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that path The person who is anxiously avoidant,they are the ones who came out of a home where,
(17:26):
their emotional attunement from their parentwas, like, on on and off.
So maybe the parent was an alcoholic oremotionally unavailable or there are too many
siblings in the family.
They know what love feels like, but they nevergot it consistently.
And so they're always sort of chasing for thatlove.
(17:46):
And and I don't love the term, but they'reoften called needy.
They need a lot of approval, reassurance,validation, and they're very externally focused
on their partners, which means that some of thewounds that they carry are things like, I'm not
good enough.
You know, I will be excluded.
(18:09):
I will be alone.
Yeah.
I am unlovable.
So keeping that framework in mind, they're nowon the date, and the person is late, and
they're thinking, I knew it.
I knew he was gonna break up with me.
I mean, you know?
Or, of course, he didn't text me.
Like, I'm not important enough for him to letme know or whatever it may be.
(18:31):
They're blaming themselves.
It's something they said or did.
Right?
Because that's where they go.
Right?
So you can actually see how your emotion yourthought patterns are very much impacted by your
emotional patterns, which, of course, areimpacted by the wounds that you carry.
Yes.
Right?
So if someone thinks they're unlikable, it'slike, I mean, I knew he was gonna stiff me for
(18:56):
the date.
I'm not really likable.
What was I thinking?
Okay.
Great.
Perfect.
That helps.
And can please continue.
Yeah.
Now the avoidant person.
The avoidant person comes out of a home wherebythey were emotionally neglected and or they
were suffocated.
Like, we see, like, where there's, like, theoverbearing mother.
(19:16):
Right?
You just, like, suffocates the son.
That's a very common scenario.
Or, for example, a family that's, you know,very stoic.
There's no emotions that are talked about, andeverything's swept under the rug.
The child is left alone a lot.
They they have to sort of deal with things ontheir own.
They become hyperindependent, disassociatedfrom their emotions.
(19:40):
And so, you know, when we say avoidant, we meanemotionally avoidant.
Right?
So this person is gonna sit down, and if theother person is late, they'll probably give
them ten minutes, and then they'll get up andleave the table.
I I agree.
It's nice.
And they'll probably say, they'll call melater, but they but but they won't they won't
(20:04):
easily forgive you.
But this isn't, like, the sweep it under therug situation.
Will they talk about it, or will they just,like, kind of ignore that it even happened?
They they're they're very afraid of conflict.
They're very afraid of of, yeah, ofvulnerabilities.
So they don't really wanna have a conversationaround you hurt my feelings that you relate,
(20:26):
that you didn't communicate.
They're probably just gonna say to you, yeah.
It's fine, but they'll give you the coldshoulder.
So, dismissive avoidance typically willcommunicate far greater with their physical
body, with body language than words.
So are they gonna sit down and talk to you?
No.
They'll just get up and leave the room becausethey're angry.
They feel disrespected.
(20:48):
Yep.
Right?
So they'll just get up and leave the room evenif you try to apologize afterwards.
Yeah.
It's fine.
Don't worry about it, but they'll give you theculture on there.
Yeah.
Exactly.
That's where the that's where the part around,hey, this isn't their words.
This is their body language.
Like, they might say it's fine, but yet they'renot really engaged in mental, emotional types
of communication, and they're just gonna go totheir man or woman cave and, you know, and, you
(21:13):
know, pout in some ways.
Right?
That's
And isolate.
That's exactly right.
So Yeah.
They're gonna isolate.
So the person the anxious preoccupied person isgonna wanna sit there and have a lengthy
conversation about how they feel.
You know?
Listen.
This is how I felt when you were twenty minuteslate.
Right?
They're gonna they're gonna wanna have thatconversation.
The avoidance is just gonna retreat, andprobably not say anything.
(21:39):
They do feel something, but they they theythey're the ones who are very ripe to,
oftentimes use all sorts of addictions.
We see a lot of substances in this group tojust numb those
feelings.
What about the disorganized type?
Now how does that look?
Because that looks This is an interesting one.
Flip back and forth.
(22:00):
Right?
Yeah.
So, my entire life, was a fearful avoidance.
I'm I'm far more secure now, but, like we said,it's not a destination.
Right?
It's a journey.
So I understand this one very well.
I speak from from experience on this one.
In in in a romantic partnership, the the thefearful of waiting is called the or known as
(22:24):
the hot and the cold partner, which means theyoscillate between wanting closeness and pushing
someone away.
So the the anxiety of I I want that closeness,but I'm gonna push you away because it you
know, the the, being too close triggers my fearof intimacy.
Mhmm.
Right?
So it depends on who they're in a relationshipwith.
(22:49):
So this is what's so interesting.
If a fearful avoidant is in a relationship withsomeone who's more on the dismissive avoidant
side, their anxious side tends to come out.
Yeah.
Okay.
That makes sense.
Yes.
Right?
It's almost like, you know, yin and yang.
Right?
It's like opposites really do attract.
(23:09):
So now if, again, the opposite is true.
If they're in a relationship with someone who'smore on the anxious side, their avoidance side
tends to come out more.
So how are they gonna act in that moment?
It depends on the attachment style of theindividual they're interacting with.
Now what if the individual they're reactinteracting with is secure?
Does it help move them more towards a secureplace?
(23:32):
It can.
It definitely can.
But, you know, again, when we talk about sortof, like, this this continuum, people who are
disorganized on the fearful avoidance side,they tend to generally lean more anxious or
avoidant.
And so that their primary pattern will usuallybe the one that comes up.
(23:53):
If they are interacting with someone that'ssecure, they can say to them, listen.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you or make you feeldisrespected.
Someone who is fearful avoidance, their corewound that they're carrying around is, I will
be betrayed.
Okay.
And Mhmm.
(24:13):
They're they're they're quite hypervigilant inlooking for these signs of, can I trust you,
and will you betray me?
And so words don't matter so much to fearfulavoidance.
They're looking at your behavior.
And so they're likely to say to you, okay.
It did upset me that you were twenty minuteslate.
(24:35):
Let's let's try to handle it differently nexttime.
Maybe send me a text to this and that.
If you repeat it again, you're done.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, they'll give you a chance.
Right?
Yeah.
But this is because someone who came someonewho's fearful avoidant has that attachment
style.
They came out of a home when there was a lot ofchaos, a lot of fighting, oftentimes two quite
(24:59):
dysfunctional parents, sometimes feeding off ofeach other.
Oftentimes, we see people who come out of homeswhere there was abuse.
And these children, you know, develop thisdisorganized emotional bond to their caregiver.
That's what attachment means, emotional bond,to their caregiver in a sense that every child
(25:22):
needs the love and comfort and support of theirprimary caregiver.
Right?
We're drawn to connection, but that same personis harming them.
Yes.
And so that's where the disorganized thought.
Like, I wanna come to you for a hug, but I'mafraid if I get too close, you're going to also
yell at me, or you're going to hit me, oryou're going and so I come close and then I
(25:46):
push back.
And I come close but not too close.
That's the pattern that gets repeated when youget into a romantic relationship.
So it's almost like the kind of the corewounds, if we could say that, from this more
fearful, disorganized were, like, a little bitmore unpredictable.
Like, the anxious wounds or earthquake wounds.
(26:07):
Right?
Like like, okay.
Like like, even though the like, what was maybemodeled growing up was hurtful, it was still,
like, hurtful in a predictable way.
Mom and dad are gonna act like this, and maybeit's not good, but it's like, okay.
You can start to predict it versus the fearfulis like, I have no idea.
Right?
Is that is that some of it?
(26:29):
That's that's you you really you you phrased itreally well, and that's where the
hypervigilance comes in.
So Yeah.
Oftentimes, those that are fearful avoidantwill say that they're very, what's the word I'm
looking for?
I'm gonna come back to that in a moment becausethe word is escaping me.
But what they're really trying to describe isthat they are hypervigilant.
(26:52):
Right?
So they can they can read other people'senergy, vibes.
They can tell very good at discerning facialfeatures, you know, any sort of change in tone
or body language.
Because where they're looking for cues are, amI safe?
Yeah.
Oh, empath.
(27:13):
I don't know why the word empath escaped me,but it did in that moment.
So a lot of times people will say to me, well,I'm just an empath.
I just I really I feel other people.
And I said, but I don't really think you're anempath in the way that you know it to be.
I think it's a strategy you developed as achild to try and keep yourself safe, and we
call this hypervigilance.
(27:34):
So you can read someone else's sort of theirmood based on everything that they present with
their body because that's helping you todiscern, do I need to run and hide?
Do I need to you know, am I safe in thismoment?
That that's where that comes from.
Yeah.
Makes a lot of sense.
And I have another question before I do that.
(27:56):
I wanna make sure everybody knows that in ourexclusive part two, which you guys can find in
the show notes, I'm gonna be asking Bev aboutboundaries and ultimatums and how that how
attachment theories apply to that in ourromantic relationships, so make sure you go
down in part two to get that.
But before we do that and before we let peopleknow about your quiz, your website, and all
(28:19):
these great places to get ahold of you, onefinal con question for this, part one, which is
okay.
So people are listening to this and maybe asthey're hopeful hopefully, as they're hearing
these examples, people are starting to say, oh,I might be of a tendency to this versus that
type of attachment style.
Obviously, your quiz will really help withthat.
(28:41):
If there's one starting point, though, if wehave to still this down, and obviously, this is
a lifetime of a continuum.
Right?
We never totally ever arrive.
So it's always this, like, work in progressthing.
But if there's one place where it's like, okay.
To work on this and start to form a more secureattachment, is there a commonality that you can
(29:02):
find that you tell people around like, oh,yeah.
This is a really good starting place to help toto get that movement towards that more secure
type?
Yeah.
That's such a beautiful question.
So all of these patterns that I'm talkingabout, they guide our emotions, our thoughts,
our behavior.
They're in our subconscious mind.
Right?
So people are generally surprised to find outthat, again, our emotion, thoughts, and
(29:27):
behavior are guided primarily by oursubconscious mind.
Because we all like to think that we have freeagency.
Right?
And it's like we're aware of what we're doing,and we're making decisions.
But the truth is is that we run much of ourlife on this autopilot mode.
Right?
And so, really, the starting point is to startto bring some of that awareness to your
(29:48):
conscious mind so that you can start thinkingabout it.
So what does this mean?
Read about attachment theory.
Right?
Read about attachment styles.
Become aware of your own attachment style.
We we often fall into this trap where we wewanna really understand the attachment style of
our partner because we wanna fix them.
That you know what?
(30:09):
Start with yourself.
Right?
Because there's a reason that you chose thatpartner.
Right?
That's an interesting one too.
So start with yourself, and and, you know, thequiz is a good place to start.
It's just a point of awareness.
And, you know, we can absolutely see somewonderful changes if someone is willing to have
(30:32):
real, authentic, honest conversations withthemselves, and and possibly a therapist to
identify those core wounds.
Because once we can identify, okay.
I do feel unlovable, or I do have a hard timetrusting someone because I feel like I'm gonna
be betrayed.
Well, okay.
Now we can understand why you do certainthings.
(30:56):
Right?
Why you're guided to do certain things.
Why, for example, you never applied for apromotion at work?
Well, if you don't think you're good enough,you're never gonna be raising your hand saying,
suggest me.
I'm I'm a good candidate.
Right?
If you don't think that you're, lovable, you'relikely not succeeding right now in the dating
(31:17):
markets.
Right?
Because even if you go out on dates, you'regiving a vibe of I'm not worth choosing.
Yeah.
All of that makes so much sense, and I thinkthat's such a great place to wrap up today.
So, again, everybody, make sure you check outbelow in the show notes the information to get
the exclusive content.
We're gonna go more into this.
(31:37):
Like I said, boundaries, ultimatums, like howto work with this and this, you know, these
types of theories in your romanticrelationship.
We do want to make sure that you know about thequiz, so we'll put that below, and Bev's
website is securelyloved.com.
But tell us a little bit about who you let'swrap up with a little bit about, like, who you
work with and who would be, like, a great fitto seek you out and to go to your website.
(32:01):
Aw.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
So we are a group of practitioners.
We focus on relationship and attachment trauma.
So that's really the only work we do, isspecifically helping people move towards secure
attachment.
So we do cover all these areas in terms of corewounds and reprogramming the subconscious mind,
(32:22):
which we can do.
Right?
We can unlearn and relearn, helping people setboundaries, you know, emotional regulation.
There's a number of things that we work on.
So it's it's, it's myself and a number ofpractitioners that I work with.
We do offer a twenty minute free consult ifyou're interested.
(32:44):
You can book with any of us.
And as you mentioned, the the free quiz is agreat starting point.
Right?
So so please and I put out a lot of freecontent.
I I believe the work in attachment theory is soimportant.
Like, I wish they taught some of this inschool, but just important in terms of
understanding human behavior and, and your ownminds.
(33:08):
So I I do put out a lot of educationalmaterials, so you can find us also on YouTube.
Okay.
Amazing.
Well, thank you so much, everybody.
We'll have that all in the show notes for youfor easy access, and thank you for joining us
for another episode on the Libido Lounge.
Thank you, Beth, for being here, and I will seeyou all real soon.
(33:29):
Ciao for now.
Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
Attachment theory itself was first studied inthe nineteen fifties, and what they were doing
is they were observing how young children wereinteracting with their mothers.
Essentially, we have two broad categories.
We have secure attachment and insecureattachment.
Why is this actually important?
(00:20):
Because everyone has an attachment style.
We're talking about a set of patterns that welearn very early on in our life from, like,
zero to five is when we first get patterned.
Attachment styles are learned behavior.
And so with that, we also know that it can beunlearned and relearned.
(00:43):
Right?
So we can naturally shift depending on our lifeexperiences, but we can also shift if we do the
work to become become consciously aware of ourpatterns and make an effort to shift out of
those old patterns that are no longer servingus.
The person who is anxiously avoidant, they arethe ones who came out of a home where their
(01:11):
emotional attunement from their parent was likeon on and off.
So maybe their parent was an alcoholic oremotionally unavailable or there are too many
siblings in the family.
They know what love feels like but they nevergot it consistently.
Some of the wounds that they carry are thingslike people who are disorganized on the fearful
avoidance side, they tend to
(01:37):
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Now back to our show.
(02:22):
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to another episode on the lounge.
I'm your host, board sexologist, boardcertified sexologist, I should say, and libido
expert, doctor Diane Mueller, and I am thrilledabout introducing you to Bev Mittelman.
Bev is the founder of a amazing, amazingpractitioner and relationship business that she
(02:46):
will tell us all about called Securely Loved,and we're gonna talk about something that I've
mentioned on the show before that I think ispivotal for healthy relationships, for
relationships where people feel attached in ahealthy way, and a way that's allowing them to
move through the relationships fluidly and withgood conversation and good boundaries and and
(03:10):
good, ability for each person to have a levelof their own freedom and autonomy and whatever
that looks like for the uniqueness of them andtheir relationship.
So I've seen attachment theory work so manywonders on my life and my relationships, not
only romantically but even with my friends.
So this is gonna be such a cool conversation.
(03:31):
Welcome to the show Bev.
Thank you so much.
I'm so happy to be here with you and youraudience.
Well, wonderful to have you, and and I knowsome of our listeners have heard of attachment
theory.
I know this is not new for everybody, but let'sget everybody on the same page here because I
know there's also tons of listeners that arelike, wow.
I can make my guesses, but what exactly isthat?
(03:53):
So before we get into some fun details, can youhelp just kinda lay the foundation of
attachment theory, attachment styles, what isit, and why does it matter?
Yeah.
So it's a great place to start.
So attachment theory itself was first studiedin the nineteen fifties.
And what they were doing is they were observinghow young children were interacting with their
(04:14):
mothers and then what would happen when themother would leave the room, how the child
would react, and then when the mother reenteredthe room.
Right?
And they were able to identify very distinctpatterns.
Now fast forward to more of today's world, wetalk about attachment styles.
Right?
So this is coming off of that work from thenineteen fifties.
(04:37):
Right?
So, I'm sure you've heard about differentattachment styles.
Essentially, we have two broad categories.
We have secure attachments and insecureattachments.
And in the bucket of insecure attachment, wehave three subcategories.
Those that are anxiously attached, it's like acontinuum.
(04:59):
So on one side, those that are anxiouslyattached or anxious preoccupied.
Then you have those who are avoidantly attachedor dismissive avoidant.
And then there's a small group of people whohave what's called disorganized attachment or
fearful attachment, and they have traits ofboth anxious and both the avoidant.
(05:20):
So that's sort of in broad strokes what we'rewhat we're looking at.
Now now why is this actually important?
Because everyone has an attachment style.
So we're not talking about mental illness,personality disorder.
We're talking about a set of patterns that welearn very early on in our life from, like,
(05:41):
zero to five is when we first get patternedbased on the interaction that we had with our
primary caregiver.
Right?
So we learn a lot of things in terms ofunderstanding our emotions, trusting, finding
healthy ways to communicate, understandingboundaries.
All of that foundational work starts really,really early.
(06:05):
And so it matters because we all have anattachment style.
And as we grow up into adulthood and we starthaving relationships with other adults,
romantic relationships or friendships or familymembers, whatnot, our, attachment style impacts
us directly and very acutely in terms of how wecommunicate, in terms of how we perceive things
(06:32):
like our lens, in terms of our emotionalpatterns, in terms of our relationship to
boundaries, and also our coping behaviors.
Right?
So it's really broad reaching.
So I wanna go into some of the characteristicsof each one of these because I think Sure.
Help people.
I know I think I saw on your website you have aquiz.
(06:55):
Is that correct?
For, like, the Yes.
Yeah.
So we'll make sure we put that quiz.
You guys, we'll make sure we put that in theshow notes so you guys can take this quiz and
help determine you determine what yourattachment style is.
But before we go into some of more of thosedetails, one question I have is, like, do you
find because a lot of times I feel like when wetalk about, okay, so these archetypical type of
(07:16):
models, and this isn't exactly that.
When we talk about these models oftentimes ofdevelopment or of personality, Oftentimes, it's
said that you can like, we have a predominantone, and then you have, like, you know, all of
the other sub ones, right, that you can kindamove in and out of these different types of
styles.
So with these four major different types ofattachment theory, you know, one being the
(07:38):
secure and three being the subcategories ofinsecure like you mentioned, do you find that
people have, like, their dominant style andthen there are certain things that'll trigger
them into going into the other types of, say,styles here?
What is how do how do is it fluid versusstagnant, I guess, is my question.
How does this all work?
(07:59):
So excellent question, doctor Diane.
I love this.
Because, really, we are most suggestible ashumans, all of us, when we're super young.
Right?
Zero to five.
So that initial patterning has great impact onus, the greatest impact.
And so we all develop a primary style,typically with a secondary style as well.
(08:20):
So what does that look like?
I can, for example, be primarily securelyattached, but I lean anxious, which means that
I could have some anxious traits, but most ofthe time, my behavior would be more aligned
with someone who's securely attached.
And we can we can talk about that a little bitlater.
Now as we go through adulthood, all of us, wego through life, we go through, you know,
(08:45):
challenging moments.
Right?
And so we all experience, different levels oftrauma, different levels and types of
interrelationships with other people, and thiscan impact where we end up on the spectrum.
So there is a level of fluidity.
Right?
So it is a spectrum.
Nope.
(09:05):
I have yet to meet someone who squarely fallsin one.
Like, you're absolutely secure.
That's just it's not really how it works.
It's sort of like you're predominantly.
Right?
And so there's some fluidity based on our livedexperience, which means that, you know, if you
are, for example, insecurely attached andyou're lucky enough to find someone who is
(09:27):
securely attached and you're in a long termpartnership with them, that will be very
healing for you.
And what's more likely to happen is you willmove towards secure attachment as opposed to
the other person moving towards insecureattachments.
Right?
Because we tend to heal within the context ofrelationships.
So, all this to say, attachment styles arelearned behavior.
(09:53):
And so with that, we also know that it can beunlearned and relearned.
Right?
So we can naturally shift depending on our lifeexperiences, but we can also shift if we do the
work to become become consciously aware of ourpatterns and make an effort to shift out of
(10:15):
those old patterns that are no longer servingus.
That's really helpful.
I wanna emphasize one thing you said too inthere before moving on, which is you said, and
this is me paraphrasing, that that we'rehealing our relationships while in a
relationship.
And I wanted to to name that because I hadpast, past relationship I got out of, and I
(10:38):
went into therapy after this relationship.
And I was, like, starting to date somebody new,actually, who's now my my current, partner of
four years.
I was just starting to date him, and I was,like, telling my therapist, I was, like, I'm so
worried about going into this relationship and,like, bringing my past in.
I was like, don't I need to just, like, wait todate because of I need to be healed and I need
(11:00):
to be, like, you know, 100% and all thesethings.
And she said something that that was soprofound to me that you just named, which is if
it's a relationship situation, we actually healrelationships while in relationship.
And that was and so that kind of likepiggybacks off of what you said, and I just
think it's like such an important thing to namebecause there's such this belief oftentimes
(11:24):
where these teachings around like, okay, well,we have to be full and and full of our like in
ourselves and complete and all these thingswhen it's like, well, but does that actually
ever happen?
And maybe we do because it's a interrelationalproblem.
Maybe it requires an interrelational situationto heal.
So it sounds like that's what you've seen in inyour work then.
(11:45):
Is that true?
Very much.
And and you bring it yeah.
You bring up such a beautiful point.
Right?
So there's only so much awareness and selfreflection you can do on an individual basis.
The beautiful thing is when you're inpartnership, especially romantic partnership,
they will your partner will always trigger yourwounds.
(12:07):
Like, you have a way of doing that, and andit's it's purposeful.
It's to bring it to the surface so that you canaddress it, that you can heal it.
That's where the deep healing comes in.
Right?
Is now that I'm presented with that sametrigger, am I going to respond in the same
insecurely attached way that I did before, orcan I back up, apply my new skills, apply a
(12:33):
different thought pattern, and go, you knowwhat?
I'm gonna seek clarity before I just make allof these assumptions and stories.
So, yeah, these are opportunities to reallylearn and heal.
Okay.
So I wanna go from here and, like, present,say, a potential real life example.
Right?
Meaning
Sure.
Just trying to think of, like, what could besomething that triggers somebody because that's
(12:58):
a word that we throw around a lot, I think, inpersonal growth and development world, in
therapy, you know, this this trigger.
And in fact, my girlfriends and I often just,like, joke with each other, like, like, oh, I'm
so triggered if we don't like something thatsomebody else said because it's just, like,
it's just so, intense.
Overused?
That word.
Right?
(13:18):
Exactly.
So we play with it a lot just for humor, butthere is this element where I think it can
happen where it's like there like you said,it's like there's this memory of the past and
these stories of the past, and all of a suddensomething in the present is reminding us of
this thing in the past and our mind goes intostory, thought, feeling, emotion, all the
things, and we're having this incredible, youknow, rich and sometimes very intense
(13:43):
experience of the body.
So in thinking about how that applies to thisconversation around attachment theory, if let's
just take a a thing that could happen.
So in my mind, like, one easy thing to talkabout would be, okay, you know, meeting up on
date night, one partner is late, and the otherpartner is, like, dealing maybe with a past
(14:04):
history of this person that was always late,never seemed to care, all these things.
And all of a sudden, somebody is, like, reallylate for date night, And so we have a partner
that is triggered.
So in this situation, how walk us through, ifyou would, like, what does it look like for,
say, the person that, like, is there on time,and now they're having this emotional response
(14:29):
because they're triggered.
Now they're gonna respond from a secure placeversus these individual three insecure places,
avoidant attachment or avoidant, anxious, anddisorganized.
What does that look like how they respond fromeach of those types of orientations?
(14:49):
So I Doug, just in the I lost your audio for amoment.
The the question was just at the end is howwould each one of those orientations respond?
Correct.
Exactly.
So, basically, in thinking about, like, okay.
We're triggered in this moment just so to helppeople the purpose of this question is to help
people, like, understand, oh, this is, like,what we're meaning by, you know, this is how
(15:13):
anxious looks.
This is how avoidant looks, that sort of thing.
So if you can, like, use that as an as anexample to differentiate for everybody, that
would be great.
I love it.
Great question.
Okay.
So when we're talking about triggered, which Iagree with you, triggered is is overused.
The word trauma is overused in our societytoday too.
But when we're talking about triggered, whatwe're talking about is bringing up old core
(15:36):
wounds, old, and that are unhealed.
Right?
So it's very predictive, the core wounds thatyou will likely carry based on where you fall
on the attachment spectrum.
So someone who is securely attached will likelyhave very few core wounds.
(15:57):
Very few, which means that they generally cameout of a home where they were they received
consistent and predictable love.
So they also and emotional attunement.
They have a great degree of trust in themselvesand in others.
So if they're on date night and their partneris late, what they're likely to say is
(16:19):
something to the effect of, I hope they'reokay.
They're not gonna get emotional.
I they're gonna stay rational.
I hope they're okay.
Something really must have gone on.
They would have for sure given me the respectto contact me.
You know, let me give them ten more minutes,and then maybe I can figure out if they need my
help.
They're gonna be rational about it.
(16:39):
K?
Mhmm.
That's the secure person.
Yes.
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(17:02):
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that path The person who is anxiously avoidant,they are the ones who came out of a home where,
(17:26):
their emotional attunement from their parentwas, like, on on and off.
So maybe the parent was an alcoholic oremotionally unavailable or there are too many
siblings in the family.
They know what love feels like, but they nevergot it consistently.
And so they're always sort of chasing for thatlove.
(17:46):
And and I don't love the term, but they'reoften called needy.
They need a lot of approval, reassurance,validation, and they're very externally focused
on their partners, which means that some of thewounds that they carry are things like, I'm not
good enough.
You know, I will be excluded.
(18:09):
I will be alone.
Yeah.
I am unlovable.
So keeping that framework in mind, they're nowon the date, and the person is late, and
they're thinking, I knew it.
I knew he was gonna break up with me.
I mean, you know?
Or, of course, he didn't text me.
Like, I'm not important enough for him to letme know or whatever it may be.
(18:31):
They're blaming themselves.
It's something they said or did.
Right?
Because that's where they go.
Right?
So you can actually see how your emotion yourthought patterns are very much impacted by your
emotional patterns, which, of course, areimpacted by the wounds that you carry.
Yes.
Right?
So if someone thinks they're unlikable, it'slike, I mean, I knew he was gonna stiff me for
(18:56):
the date.
I'm not really likable.
What was I thinking?
Okay.
Great.
Perfect.
That helps.
And can please continue.
Yeah.
Now the avoidant person.
The avoidant person comes out of a home wherebythey were emotionally neglected and or they
were suffocated.
Like, we see, like, where there's, like, theoverbearing mother.
(19:16):
Right?
You just, like, suffocates the son.
That's a very common scenario.
Or, for example, a family that's, you know,very stoic.
There's no emotions that are talked about, andeverything's swept under the rug.
The child is left alone a lot.
They they have to sort of deal with things ontheir own.
They become hyperindependent, disassociatedfrom their emotions.
(19:40):
And so, you know, when we say avoidant, we meanemotionally avoidant.
Right?
So this person is gonna sit down, and if theother person is late, they'll probably give
them ten minutes, and then they'll get up andleave the table.
I I agree.
It's nice.
And they'll probably say, they'll call melater, but they but but they won't they won't
(20:04):
easily forgive you.
But this isn't, like, the sweep it under therug situation.
Will they talk about it, or will they just,like, kind of ignore that it even happened?
They they're they're very afraid of conflict.
They're very afraid of of, yeah, ofvulnerabilities.
So they don't really wanna have a conversationaround you hurt my feelings that you relate,
(20:26):
that you didn't communicate.
They're probably just gonna say to you, yeah.
It's fine, but they'll give you the coldshoulder.
So, dismissive avoidance typically willcommunicate far greater with their physical
body, with body language than words.
So are they gonna sit down and talk to you?
No.
They'll just get up and leave the room becausethey're angry.
They feel disrespected.
(20:48):
Yep.
Right?
So they'll just get up and leave the room evenif you try to apologize afterwards.
Yeah.
It's fine.
Don't worry about it, but they'll give you theculture on there.
Yeah.
Exactly.
That's where the that's where the part around,hey, this isn't their words.
This is their body language.
Like, they might say it's fine, but yet they'renot really engaged in mental, emotional types
of communication, and they're just gonna go totheir man or woman cave and, you know, and, you
(21:13):
know, pout in some ways.
Right?
That's
And isolate.
That's exactly right.
So Yeah.
They're gonna isolate.
So the person the anxious preoccupied person isgonna wanna sit there and have a lengthy
conversation about how they feel.
You know?
Listen.
This is how I felt when you were twenty minuteslate.
Right?
They're gonna they're gonna wanna have thatconversation.
The avoidance is just gonna retreat, andprobably not say anything.
(21:39):
They do feel something, but they they theythey're the ones who are very ripe to,
oftentimes use all sorts of addictions.
We see a lot of substances in this group tojust numb those
feelings.
What about the disorganized type?
Now how does that look?
Because that looks This is an interesting one.
Flip back and forth.
(22:00):
Right?
Yeah.
So, my entire life, was a fearful avoidance.
I'm I'm far more secure now, but, like we said,it's not a destination.
Right?
It's a journey.
So I understand this one very well.
I speak from from experience on this one.
In in in a romantic partnership, the the thefearful of waiting is called the or known as
(22:24):
the hot and the cold partner, which means theyoscillate between wanting closeness and pushing
someone away.
So the the anxiety of I I want that closeness,but I'm gonna push you away because it you
know, the the, being too close triggers my fearof intimacy.
Mhmm.
Right?
So it depends on who they're in a relationshipwith.
(22:49):
So this is what's so interesting.
If a fearful avoidant is in a relationship withsomeone who's more on the dismissive avoidant
side, their anxious side tends to come out.
Yeah.
Okay.
That makes sense.
Yes.
Right?
It's almost like, you know, yin and yang.
Right?
It's like opposites really do attract.
(23:09):
So now if, again, the opposite is true.
If they're in a relationship with someone who'smore on the anxious side, their avoidance side
tends to come out more.
So how are they gonna act in that moment?
It depends on the attachment style of theindividual they're interacting with.
Now what if the individual they're reactinteracting with is secure?
Does it help move them more towards a secureplace?
(23:32):
It can.
It definitely can.
But, you know, again, when we talk about sortof, like, this this continuum, people who are
disorganized on the fearful avoidance side,they tend to generally lean more anxious or
avoidant.
And so that their primary pattern will usuallybe the one that comes up.
(23:53):
If they are interacting with someone that'ssecure, they can say to them, listen.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you or make you feeldisrespected.
Someone who is fearful avoidance, their corewound that they're carrying around is, I will
be betrayed.
Okay.
And Mhmm.
(24:13):
They're they're they're quite hypervigilant inlooking for these signs of, can I trust you,
and will you betray me?
And so words don't matter so much to fearfulavoidance.
They're looking at your behavior.
And so they're likely to say to you, okay.
It did upset me that you were twenty minuteslate.
(24:35):
Let's let's try to handle it differently nexttime.
Maybe send me a text to this and that.
If you repeat it again, you're done.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, they'll give you a chance.
Right?
Yeah.
But this is because someone who came someonewho's fearful avoidant has that attachment
style.
They came out of a home when there was a lot ofchaos, a lot of fighting, oftentimes two quite
(24:59):
dysfunctional parents, sometimes feeding off ofeach other.
Oftentimes, we see people who come out of homeswhere there was abuse.
And these children, you know, develop thisdisorganized emotional bond to their caregiver.
That's what attachment means, emotional bond,to their caregiver in a sense that every child
(25:22):
needs the love and comfort and support of theirprimary caregiver.
Right?
We're drawn to connection, but that same personis harming them.
Yes.
And so that's where the disorganized thought.
Like, I wanna come to you for a hug, but I'mafraid if I get too close, you're going to also
yell at me, or you're going to hit me, oryou're going and so I come close and then I
(25:46):
push back.
And I come close but not too close.
That's the pattern that gets repeated when youget into a romantic relationship.
So it's almost like the kind of the corewounds, if we could say that, from this more
fearful, disorganized were, like, a little bitmore unpredictable.
Like, the anxious wounds or earthquake wounds.
(26:07):
Right?
Like like, okay.
Like like, even though the like, what was maybemodeled growing up was hurtful, it was still,
like, hurtful in a predictable way.
Mom and dad are gonna act like this, and maybeit's not good, but it's like, okay.
You can start to predict it versus the fearfulis like, I have no idea.
Right?
Is that is that some of it?
(26:29):
That's that's you you really you you phrased itreally well, and that's where the
hypervigilance comes in.
So Yeah.
Oftentimes, those that are fearful avoidantwill say that they're very, what's the word I'm
looking for?
I'm gonna come back to that in a moment becausethe word is escaping me.
But what they're really trying to describe isthat they are hypervigilant.
(26:52):
Right?
So they can they can read other people'senergy, vibes.
They can tell very good at discerning facialfeatures, you know, any sort of change in tone
or body language.
Because where they're looking for cues are, amI safe?
Yeah.
Oh, empath.
(27:13):
I don't know why the word empath escaped me,but it did in that moment.
So a lot of times people will say to me, well,I'm just an empath.
I just I really I feel other people.
And I said, but I don't really think you're anempath in the way that you know it to be.
I think it's a strategy you developed as achild to try and keep yourself safe, and we
call this hypervigilance.
(27:34):
So you can read someone else's sort of theirmood based on everything that they present with
their body because that's helping you todiscern, do I need to run and hide?
Do I need to you know, am I safe in thismoment?
That that's where that comes from.
Yeah.
Makes a lot of sense.
And I have another question before I do that.
(27:56):
I wanna make sure everybody knows that in ourexclusive part two, which you guys can find in
the show notes, I'm gonna be asking Bev aboutboundaries and ultimatums and how that how
attachment theories apply to that in ourromantic relationships, so make sure you go
down in part two to get that.
But before we do that and before we let peopleknow about your quiz, your website, and all
(28:19):
these great places to get ahold of you, onefinal con question for this, part one, which is
okay.
So people are listening to this and maybe asthey're hopeful hopefully, as they're hearing
these examples, people are starting to say, oh,I might be of a tendency to this versus that
type of attachment style.
Obviously, your quiz will really help withthat.
(28:41):
If there's one starting point, though, if wehave to still this down, and obviously, this is
a lifetime of a continuum.
Right?
We never totally ever arrive.
So it's always this, like, work in progressthing.
But if there's one place where it's like, okay.
To work on this and start to form a more secureattachment, is there a commonality that you can
(29:02):
find that you tell people around like, oh,yeah.
This is a really good starting place to help toto get that movement towards that more secure
type?
Yeah.
That's such a beautiful question.
So all of these patterns that I'm talkingabout, they guide our emotions, our thoughts,
our behavior.
They're in our subconscious mind.
Right?
So people are generally surprised to find outthat, again, our emotion, thoughts, and
(29:27):
behavior are guided primarily by oursubconscious mind.
Because we all like to think that we have freeagency.
Right?
And it's like we're aware of what we're doing,and we're making decisions.
But the truth is is that we run much of ourlife on this autopilot mode.
Right?
And so, really, the starting point is to startto bring some of that awareness to your
(29:48):
conscious mind so that you can start thinkingabout it.
So what does this mean?
Read about attachment theory.
Right?
Read about attachment styles.
Become aware of your own attachment style.
We we often fall into this trap where we wewanna really understand the attachment style of
our partner because we wanna fix them.
That you know what?
(30:09):
Start with yourself.
Right?
Because there's a reason that you chose thatpartner.
Right?
That's an interesting one too.
So start with yourself, and and, you know, thequiz is a good place to start.
It's just a point of awareness.
And, you know, we can absolutely see somewonderful changes if someone is willing to have
(30:32):
real, authentic, honest conversations withthemselves, and and possibly a therapist to
identify those core wounds.
Because once we can identify, okay.
I do feel unlovable, or I do have a hard timetrusting someone because I feel like I'm gonna
be betrayed.
Well, okay.
Now we can understand why you do certainthings.
(30:56):
Right?
Why you're guided to do certain things.
Why, for example, you never applied for apromotion at work?
Well, if you don't think you're good enough,you're never gonna be raising your hand saying,
suggest me.
I'm I'm a good candidate.
Right?
If you don't think that you're, lovable, you'relikely not succeeding right now in the dating
(31:17):
markets.
Right?
Because even if you go out on dates, you'regiving a vibe of I'm not worth choosing.
Yeah.
All of that makes so much sense, and I thinkthat's such a great place to wrap up today.
So, again, everybody, make sure you check outbelow in the show notes the information to get
the exclusive content.
We're gonna go more into this.
(31:37):
Like I said, boundaries, ultimatums, like howto work with this and this, you know, these
types of theories in your romanticrelationship.
We do want to make sure that you know about thequiz, so we'll put that below, and Bev's
website is securelyloved.com.
But tell us a little bit about who you let'swrap up with a little bit about, like, who you
work with and who would be, like, a great fitto seek you out and to go to your website.
(32:01):
Aw.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
So we are a group of practitioners.
We focus on relationship and attachment trauma.
So that's really the only work we do, isspecifically helping people move towards secure
attachment.
So we do cover all these areas in terms of corewounds and reprogramming the subconscious mind,
(32:22):
which we can do.
Right?
We can unlearn and relearn, helping people setboundaries, you know, emotional regulation.
There's a number of things that we work on.
So it's it's, it's myself and a number ofpractitioners that I work with.
We do offer a twenty minute free consult ifyou're interested.
(32:44):
You can book with any of us.
And as you mentioned, the the free quiz is agreat starting point.
Right?
So so please and I put out a lot of freecontent.
I I believe the work in attachment theory is soimportant.
Like, I wish they taught some of this inschool, but just important in terms of
understanding human behavior and, and your ownminds.
(33:08):
So I I do put out a lot of educationalmaterials, so you can find us also on YouTube.
Okay.
Amazing.
Well, thank you so much, everybody.
We'll have that all in the show notes for youfor easy access, and thank you for joining us
for another episode on the Libido Lounge.
Thank you, Beth, for being here, and I will seeyou all real soon.
(33:29):
Ciao for now.
Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
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