June 12, 2025 • 35 mins
Do you often find yourself compromising in relationships, work, or life in general? Do you wonder if compromise really works for you or against you? In this thought-provoking video, we explore the concept of compromise and its effects on our personal and professional lives. From the benefits of finding common ground to the potential drawbacks of sacrificing your own needs, we dive into the complexities of compromise and help you determine whether it's a helpful strategy or a recipe for disaster. So, does compromise really work for you? Watch to find out!
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(00:00):
If you're a woman with low desire, then chancesare you're not having the kind of sex that you
would want more of.
What it is that you actually want your partnerto know about you.
Compromise is probably the most commonrelationship advice that is given anywhere.
(00:21):
When you compromise, the way I think of thephenomenon is that you're essentially holding
back on, withholding the truth of who you are,your desires, your dreams, your challenges, who
you are becoming on the inside to any degree towhich that would be uncomfortable for your
(00:46):
partner.
It's extremely helpful to be really clear whyit is that you want to say it because if I can
open my heart, it is so much easier for me toopen my legs later.
It's like a thermostat and one person's libidois set on high and the other person's libido is
(01:08):
set on low and somehow we can't access thethermostat.
There's nothing we can do.
That's just how it is.
Sadness, anger, fear, and happiness.
And disappointment is nowhere on the list.
The real question is not how to change thethermostat, but how to experience more
(01:33):
pleasure.
Hey, everybody.
Quick break at our episode to talk to you aboutour sponsor, My Libido Doc.
One of the things that we truly believe is thatgreat sex is available to everyone, but we just
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So head over to our site to get your free copyof our e book, Five Steps to Mind Blowing
(01:59):
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So if you just go to mysexdoc.com, you willfind that e book there for download.
Now back to our show.
(02:20):
Hi, everybody.
Welcome back to another episode of the LibidoLounge.
I'm your host, board certified sexologist,doctor Diane, and I have a really good
relationship treat for you today.
I have here with me doctor Alexandra Stockwell,and we're gonna talk about all sorts cool
things today, but one of the things we're gonnatalk about that I think you guys will find
(02:43):
shocking is that compromise is not always good.
You know, we're taught so many times inrelationships and love of like, meet in the
middle, find the compromise, all those kind ofthings.
And one thing that Doctor.
Alexandra and I share in our philosophy is thatthis is actually problematic because what it
leads to, at least in my opinion, and we'll askDoctor.
(03:06):
Alexandra in a moment hers, But in my opinion,what it leads to is both individuals getting
what they don't want.
And nobody actually in many of these casesreally gets their knees, and so everybody can
feel this sense of let down, and so much more.
So we're gonna get into all that GC stuff andmore.
So thank you so much for being here with metoday.
It is my pleasure, and I love how you'velaunched us.
(03:30):
Awesome.
Well, let's start with that.
You know, I kinda told you in this intro, Ikinda launched into, like, my personal problems
and the work I do with compromise.
Tell me about what you've seen in all youryears of of working in in this world of
intimacy.
What are the problems with compromise?
I definitely will, but I wanna just respond towhat you said first and say that I think what
(03:53):
you've described is disappointment.
When people compromise and neither personreally gets what they want, then comes
disappointment.
And, you know, when we think of the bigimpactful emotions in our lives and
relationships, it's typically sadness, anger,fear, and happiness.
(04:15):
And disappointment is nowhere on the list.
We think of disappointment as like a minoremotion.
The fact is that it slowly but surely erodesconnection in the most detrimental ways and
disappointment is really like priming our soulsfor resentment which leads to disconnection, so
(04:36):
I just really wanna emphasize the point thatyou made.
It's serious.
A little disappointment is not just a smallmatter when it happens on a regular basis.
But shifting to my ideas about compromise, I Ireally agree with what you said.
Compromise is probably the most commonrelationship advice that is given anywhere.
(05:00):
The idea being if you want a happy marriage,you have to be good at compromise.
That is just false because when compromise isguiding you in your interactions, you are
setting yourself up when all goes well for abland, pleasant companionship.
(05:23):
And, you know, that might be enough for somepeople, But my devotion is to smart high
performing couples who are interested in havinga long lasting marriage that is full of
emotional intimacy and erotic aliveness and joyand pleasure and self expression and growth
(05:49):
together.
Compromise is incompatible with creating arelationship that has those qualities, and
here's why.
When you compromise, the way I think of thephenomenon is that you're essentially holding
(06:09):
back on, withholding the truth of who you are,your desires, your dreams, your challenges, who
you are becoming on the inside to any degree towhich that would be uncomfortable for your
partner.
So rather than making your partneruncomfortable and having to navigate that, you
(06:33):
compromise, you acquiesce, You tolerate.
You essentially disconnect from important partsof yourself, at least within the marital
context.
And as human beings, we can't, in our day today interactions, have these kinds of
(06:57):
compromised guided experiences.
And then when we get to the bedroom, find somemagic switch to flip that allows us to be fully
self expressed, present, bringing our wholeauthentic selves in the way that contributes to
a sense of timelessness and erotic expansion.
(07:19):
It just doesn't work that way.
So I advocate for what I call uncompromisingintimacy.
The name of my book is Uncompromising Intimacy,and that really is a good description of the
methodology I use, which is rooted in learningwell, really getting to know yourself and
(07:40):
learning how to share that with your partner ina way that is not blaming, it's not critical,
it's authentically sharing the truth of who youare so you can feel like you're your real self
in interactions with your partner and do thatin such a way that invites your partner to do
(08:01):
the same.
These these can be very vulnerablecommunications.
They can be straightforward.
Really, it's about bringing all the flavors ofyou.
It's not that you have to tell your partnereverything, but if there's something you can't
say, then compromise is at play and it'screating a kind of disconnection that you might
(08:22):
think is unimportant and for day to dayinteractions it might be, But the bedroom, you
can't fool the body.
You can't fool the erotic energy.
So if you're compromising in your day to day,that tends to infiltrate in terms of the
quality of sensual, sexual, erotic connectionthat's possible.
(08:47):
Yeah.
It's so well said.
And I think probably a lot of people are havingthese moments.
Right?
I think one of the things I talk a lot about onthis show is what happens inside the bedroom or
wherever we are physically intimate with ourpartner is actually a reflection of outside the
bedroom and vice versa.
Right?
And what I hear, like, you say that I think isso critical is, hey, like, in all these
(09:10):
conversations we have about sex, aboutintimacy, and all all these things, we talk
about, hey, showing up, asking for your needs,asking for your wants, asking for your desires,
and if our practice throughout the entire restof the day has been compromise your needs,
compromise your wants, compromise your desires,don't fully share yourself, then how if we're
(09:34):
practicing doing the opposite, how do weactually bring that into the bedroom?
Like, It doesn't make sense here.
So I know you have a whole book on this, know,in a ginormous process, and what I'm going to
ask you is obviously not gonna be able to coverit completely in today's show, but do you have
a sense of, like, like, how can we distill thisdown to help people understand just a little
(09:56):
bit of, like, the steps to get started on this?
Because I think there is.
There's so much that we do in relationships oflike, okay, well, wanna be vulnerable, but I
don't wanna upset my person.
I wanna be vulnerable and, you know, and andreally be authentic and whatever it is, but I
don't want to, have them be mad at me or havethem be disappointed.
(10:19):
So we disappoint ourselves sometimes to preventour partner from being disappointed.
And so it almost feels like this trade off.
We're trading one for another.
So how do we begin in what you've seen and whatyou've written about to to rectify that and
start to actually, you know, fully ownourselves as individuals?
(10:40):
Well, the first thing is that when I talk aboutuncompromising intimacy, I don't mean with the
word uncompromising that you always get yourown way.
I'm not talking about being, like,uncompromising, inflexible, rigid.
That also does not contribute to connection andrelational aliveness just as withholding in the
(11:07):
form of compromise doesn't.
When I talk about uncompromising intimacy, I'mreally talking about how to share what's real,
and then you go from there.
Just know both of you knowing it means you'rein the realm of uncompromising, and then you
can decide together what to do.
(11:27):
But in terms of how to actually communicate,which was your question, there are a few
things.
One is to actually know what you wanna say.
And that sounds very obvious, but there are afew things.
One is that when it comes to desire, when itcomes to what's alive inside us, if you're not
(11:52):
used to expressing it, if you're not used toputting your own attention on it, then that
really is the first thing to do completelyindependent of interacting with your partner.
You might journal.
You might daydream.
You might, I don't know, scroll Instagram andsee what inspires you.
I'm not really advocating that, but the pointis that you need to know what it is that you
(12:18):
wanna say.
And it's totally fine if what you wanna say is,I feel dissatisfied.
I'm not sure what I want.
That's okay too.
That's actually a very vulnerablecommunication.
So it's not that you have to figure it all outand then make the communication, but you do
need to consider a little bit of what you'regonna say because if you just take the time to
(12:42):
think out loud and, you know, more of like abrainstorming or eventing, that's fine.
You might well do that in your relationship,but that's not gonna build the kind of
closeness and connection that comes with avulnerable communication like we're talking
about in this context.
So that's the first thing is, like, identifywhat it is that you actually want your partner
(13:05):
to know about you.
Then the next thing is to say to your partner,I have something vulnerable to share with you.
Are you available to hear it?
In other words, you might say vulnerable.
You might say important.
You might say something unusual to share withyou.
Whatever it is that feels accurate to you, ifyou've given some thought to what you wanna
(13:29):
convey, then you're gonna know a good adjectiveto use.
But the point is you say what you want to do,and then you ask if he's available to hear it.
And this needs to be a real question.
This is not just some rhetorical question whereif he says anything other than yes right away,
that then you get mad.
No.
It has to be a real question.
(13:51):
And if you're in a committed relationship, thenthe answer is either, yes.
I'm available or no, which is essentially a notyet.
And so, ideally, you know, like, sometimes I'llsay to my husband, you know, something I really
wanna tell you.
And he'll say, okay.
Well, I've had a long day.
I just wanna take a shower and have somedinner, and then I'll be available.
(14:14):
And that's totally fine.
Okay.
So after you're both opted in to having theconversation, then it's extremely helpful to be
really clear why it is that you wanna say it.
Because let's say you have something that isn'tworking for you in the bedroom or maybe you
(14:40):
don't feel supported with household tasks orwhatever it is.
It really doesn't matter.
If you just start in with that, the most likelyscenario is that your partner is going to shut
down or become defensive and angry.
Those are just normal human reactions.
There's no commentary on his character.
(15:02):
That's just normal.
Just a quick break to let you know that 80% ofwomen do not have orgasms from vaginal
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(15:22):
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That is what hot and modern monogamy is, ismodern monogamy that brings in all of that
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(15:43):
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Now back to our show.
So if you begin by saying why it is that you'remaking this communication, what you hope to
achieve from it, and it should be somethingthat's important to both of you.
(16:03):
So for example, it might be, I've been feelingkind of distant, and I want us to be more
connected.
That's why I wanna tell you this.
Or I know you've been wanting to have sex, andI have been declining because I just feel kind
of disconnected.
(16:24):
I think after I share this with you, we'll bothfeel closer, and I'll be more ready to say yes
again.
Or whatever it might be.
Like, it doesn't have to be about sex, althoughthat's a if it is, then say so.
But the point is you want, first of all, theopt in, and second of all, that the
(16:46):
conversation is gonna take the two of you in adirection you both want to go, then he will
listen differently.
And then you make your communication sharingwhatever your experience is, and it's very,
very important if you're gonna have avulnerable communication that it doesn't
(17:07):
include blame.
It it this is not like a setup to make yourpartner wrong, but it is a setup to really
share what's real for you so the two of you canmove forward from there.
And then the final thing is that whether it'sthree minutes later or three days later or
(17:29):
three weeks later, the vulnerable communicationdoes not include problem solving.
It really just includes being present with oneanother So as you share, you feel seen, heard,
and received.
So it's very helpful if you can tell your guyhow to win and say, you know, after I tell you,
(17:53):
I'd really love a hug or after I tell you, Ijust wanna sit quietly together or after I tell
you, I'm gonna have a few questions and you cansee if you have the answer.
Like, just be clear because if you give clearinstructions, he'll be able to give you what
(18:14):
you want.
And if you don't, chances are he is not gonnaread your mind and know.
So I'll just give an example of how this goesbecause I've I've given the general
instructions.
So I'm gonna think about things.
I had to go to bed early.
(18:34):
I'm I'm making this up.
I had to go to bed early last night, and I hadto get up really early this morning for a
really big project at work.
And I asked my husband to clean up the kitchenafter dinner, and he said he would.
And I got up this morning, and the dishes arethe kitchen is not cleaned up.
And, of course, at that point, you know, I havethe option of erupting, of just walking back
(19:00):
out and doing nothing, of cleaning it up,making a lot of noise so everybody knows how
this didn't work for me.
There are lot of options there.
But instead, what I choose to do, and it's notgonna be that morning because I have my big
work project, but in the evening, I'm gonna sayto my husband, I have something I really wanna
share with you.
Are you available to hear it now?
(19:22):
And he's gonna say, let's let's have theconversation after the kids are in bed.
And I'm gonna say, okay.
No problem.
So then it's time for us to get together, andI'm gonna say, I have something I wanna share
with you because I know that if I don't, it'sgonna fester and be this long, drawn out,
(19:47):
unpleasant, disconnecting thing.
And so I'm speaking up so that the two of uscan feel harmonious and in our groove together.
And then I'm gonna say, when I woke up and andthe point I really wanna model here is not
blaming.
When I woke up in the morning and I saw thekitchen was a mess, my heart just sank because
(20:16):
I felt like I'm not important to you.
And that was really hard this morning,especially with this big project that I had
going.
What I didn't model is telling him how to end,like, what to do at the end, but notice that I
(20:44):
really shared the impact.
There's no manipulation.
There's no you shouldn't have.
What the hell were you thinking?
There's none of that.
It's just the impact is that I felt unimportantto you.
Yeah.
And that's heartbreaking when that happens.
(21:09):
And I just wanted you to know.
And, you know, the next time that I have a workproject and I ask him to clean up the kitchen,
or I don't have a work project and I ask him tojust clean up the kitchen, I might say, you
know, is there anything you need for this toact to actually happen?
(21:32):
Like and it could be that he was exhausted andfell asleep, and he meant to do it, and he felt
terrible before I even said anything.
Or he could have totally forgotten about ituntil I say, like, his experience is his
experience.
The point of uncompromising intimacy is for meto open my heart and share my experience both
(21:55):
because that is nourishing and contributes tothe quality of connection and in the context of
this conversation because if I can open myheart, it is so much easier for me to open my
legs later.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's so, so well said, and I love the, youknow, just like the similarities that I've
(22:17):
heard in this and similarities in, like, inwhat I've talked about in my own work even
regarding things like, like, the the permissionI think huge.
And I think even when we're we're asking forpermission around, like, doing the process like
you're talking about, one, it puts, it's like,it puts power in both people's hands.
Like, where it's like, okay, in this exampleyou gave, he has power to say, okay, yes, this
(22:42):
is when I can do this, and then in turn, thethe person that's asking for that conversation,
right, has power because they are suggestingit.
They're bringing it up.
But I know so many people, like just knowingthat there is a space for this conversation can
really help the nervous system relax versuslike, okay, have to have this talk, I have to
(23:04):
have this talk, and like the nervous systemgets hyped up and we're worried and we don't
know how it's gonna go, and we're festering andcircular thinking and all the things, and just
knowing that, okay, there's a space for this,I'm going to be held, we are going to come, you
know, together for this, then even if like youhave to wait, it is, you know, it's sometimes
still hard to wait, it's not saying that's likealways a cakewalk, but it can really help the
(23:27):
nervous system to calm at least somewhat tosay, I am going to be heard.
My partner is going to hear me, and and there'sthat space for it.
And I also think the other thing that I reallywanna highlight when you said is just that that
concept of being successful in theseconversations is in many times asking for
what's how you want your partner to respond.
(23:49):
You know?
Sometimes I think this is where, like, women inparticular, like, we all have our tendencies,
women and men, And sometimes, I know that acommon construct that comes up is women,
they're, like, wanting to just almost, likelike, vent about their day and their their
struggles, and they're not in problem solvingmode.
And a man, you know, again, these are very bigstereotypes.
(24:11):
Of course, this is not true, of course, acrossthe board, but it's just a common thing that
come up is, like, the the man in in a heterorelationship then walks in and is like, you
have a problem.
I can help.
I wanna help.
And then that's not what the person's lookingfor in this example.
It's like, oh, no.
I just wanted I just need to talk to my dad.
I can't solve problems.
I just need your hug.
But how can anybody know that unless we saythat's how we want to respond?
(24:34):
So I think there's so much genius in in the wayyou describe that.
I wanna add to that and say that if someone isused to knowing what they want, like you have a
lot of self acceptance, self awareness, youself honor in how you orient yourself, then
(24:54):
telling your partner how you want him torespond is a very straightforward
communication, actually, and you do your selvesboth a favor, no question.
But what is far more common is you might knownot know what you want, or you might think what
you want is a hug, and it turns out that's notwhat you want.
(25:18):
Maybe you want him to just restate what heunderstood so you can be sure that the
communication was successful and then a hug ormaybe no hug, whatever.
But the point is that you don't actually haveto have this figured out.
I wanna really emphasize building on what yousaid about honoring the nervous system and
(25:45):
calming it that you can say, I think what Iwant afterwards is a hug, and I'm not actually
sure, so I'll update you when I know.
Or you might say, I don't even really know howI want you to respond.
I know lots of times when I haven't liked howyou've respond, but I'm trying to figure out
(26:07):
what works well so I can share you and we canboth be happy with it share it with you and we
can both be happy with it.
And so let's try this, and I'll let you know ifthat's a good way to respond when I share
something like this.
Like, you do not need to have all the answers,but you do need to communicate on your journey
(26:29):
of discovering them.
Yeah.
It's so empowering and just puts I think itputs the couple back into a position where
they're, like, both on the same team.
Right?
It's like we're working together for the samecommon goal of figuring this out, whatever this
is.
And maybe you don't know, but but you're on thesame team again versus, like, almost at odds
(26:51):
with each other, and it works so well.
So in the few minutes we have left today, andthen we'll have to continue in part two.
Oh.
Yeah.
Coming soon.
Can you tell us a little bit about, like,taking this concept of compromise and putting
it to this common thing that we talk about insexology and and sex therapy, sex coaching, all
(27:16):
of it, which is desire mismatch.
And and it's I'm having way more conversationsthese days on people that are like, I hate the
term desire mismatch and I am with them becauseit really does lead to the focus on this.
We create a problem that's not necessarily aproblem.
Right?
And so why is desire and libido mismatch amyth?
(27:37):
Well,
I think the whole way our society in generalthinks about libido mismatch is like one
person's libido it's like a thermostat and oneperson's libido is set on high and the other
(27:57):
person's libido is set on low and somehow wecan't access the thermostat, there's nothing we
can do, that's just how it is.
And so that's basically the fundamental ideaand that is so ridiculous because our
sexuality, it's not compartmentalized.
(28:22):
It's not like we can pinpoint, oh, well, wejust need to take this pill to do this or that.
No.
Our sexuality is expressive of our wholeness.
And if you think of Maslow's hierarchy, youknow, where they're the basic needs of shelter
and clothing and food, like, we need a lot ofdifferent things to be in place in order for
(28:50):
sexual ease and relaxation and desire to flow.
So there are so many elements to this and Iknow you talk about a lot of them, but the main
one that I wanna highlight and my audience isdefinitely both men and women and it's really
important for men to hear this and it's alsoreally important for women to hear this and
(29:14):
that is that if you have low desire if you're awoman with low desire then chances are you're
not having the kind of sex that you would wantmore of And so it it's not I know you talk so
beautifully about the different causes, thephysical cause, the relational cause, and the
(29:38):
individual cause, and I think of both therelational causes of libido and the individual
causes of libido both determining that the kindof sex that's being had is not it's not making
you want more.
(29:59):
And so the real question is not how to changethe thermostat, but how to experience more
pleasure.
And so for a woman with low libido, the firstplace that I highly recommend starting is
putting intention and attention on experiencingmore pleasure in your life.
(30:26):
Never mind sex, orgasm with your clothes offand involving your genitals.
Like, if you have a cup of coffee or tea in themorning, how much do you enjoy the aroma and
the flavors?
Like, how much pleasure do you get when youlook at the sunrise or the sunset or flowers
(30:51):
blossoming, how much pleasure do you get as youcook food with the colors and the textures and
the shapes?
Like, all of our senses, our eyes, our ears,our mouth, touch, and smell are incredible
(31:13):
pathways to pleasure.
And so if you're not having a lot of pleasure,if your libido is low, the first thing to do is
dial up the pleasure for your senses in waysthat actually have nothing to do with sex
except they do because they they lubricate yourresponsiveness for pleasure in the bedroom
(31:37):
which is rooted in sensual experiences.
So the two things that I really wanna emphasizein this conversation are that if you if you
have low libido and you're with a man withhigher desire, then your job is to experience
(32:00):
more pleasure through your senses in your dayto day life and then allow that to infuse more
pleasure in the bedroom and to get real that ifyou're not having the kind of sex that you
(32:21):
would want more of, that you look forward to,then low desire is a very normal, natural,
unproblematic response to that.
It's so well said and such a perfect lead in topart two, you guys.
So we have two.
You guys will be able to access in the clubbelow.
(32:43):
And part two, I'm gonna ask Doctor.
Stockwell about things like how to communicatewith your partner around pleasure, and if
you're having the type of sex that is, like,not what I sometimes call the right type of
sex, where it's, like, just not bringing youpleasure, and just like just like Alexandra's
saying, like, where it's, you're not feelingthat desire because it's not really doing
(33:06):
anything for your pleasure body.
And you might still be having orgasms.
Like Yeah.
That's not the point.
It's is it, like, truly nourishing?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you for that distinction.
Think it's a very important distinction.
So, you know, like talking about, like, havingthe type of sex that is, like, nourishing and
pleasure filled to a point that it's gonnaactually want you excited for more, and how to
(33:32):
have those conversations with a partner whenthat's not happening, and how to have this, you
know, these conversations when the when the egocan get so hurt sometimes around feeling like
we're not providing the type of pleasure wewant for our partner.
So all of that and more in part two coming up,look for that in the show notes.
But before I let you go, I wanna make surepeople know how to work with you, how to access
(33:55):
your book, and anything else you wanna leave uswith today.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
The place to go alexandrastockwell.com.
That's my website.
From there, there are links to my book, whichis on Amazon and Audible, Uncompromising
Intimacy.
It's the way to find my podcast, the intimatemarriage podcast, and links to all my social
(34:20):
media.
I'm very active on my email list.
I send out all kinds of high value tips andtools and further thoughts like we're having in
this conversation.
And if you want to, look into any of myprograms or working with me privately, all of
that is at alexandra stockwell dot com.
(34:41):
Perfect.
And we will have that in the show notes foreverybody for super easy clicks and access.
Please do check out all of doctor Stockwell'sbooks and information.
And everybody, this has been such an amazingepisode.
Thank you so much for being here with me todayand listening to this conversation.
I hope this really helps you with communicationand not compromising yourself, not compromising
(35:07):
your relationship for the intentionality ofbeing more intimate, of uncompromising
intimacy, like the name of doctor Stockwell'sbook.
So thank you everybody for being here.
Thank you, Alexandra, for another greatepisode.
Thank you.
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
(35:28):
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
If you're a woman with low desire, then chancesare you're not having the kind of sex that you
would want more of.
What it is that you actually want your partnerto know about you.
Compromise is probably the most commonrelationship advice that is given anywhere.
(00:21):
When you compromise, the way I think of thephenomenon is that you're essentially holding
back on, withholding the truth of who you are,your desires, your dreams, your challenges, who
you are becoming on the inside to any degree towhich that would be uncomfortable for your
(00:46):
partner.
It's extremely helpful to be really clear whyit is that you want to say it because if I can
open my heart, it is so much easier for me toopen my legs later.
It's like a thermostat and one person's libidois set on high and the other person's libido is
(01:08):
set on low and somehow we can't access thethermostat.
There's nothing we can do.
That's just how it is.
Sadness, anger, fear, and happiness.
And disappointment is nowhere on the list.
The real question is not how to change thethermostat, but how to experience more
(01:33):
pleasure.
Hey, everybody.
Quick break at our episode to talk to you aboutour sponsor, My Libido Doc.
One of the things that we truly believe is thatgreat sex is available to everyone, but we just
have to learn how.
So head over to our site to get your free copyof our e book, Five Steps to Mind Blowing
(01:59):
Orgasms and Romance.
Get the quick and easy tips to turn your sexlife around, rev up your engines, and fall in
deeper love and passion with yourself and yourpartner.
So if you just go to mysexdoc.com, you willfind that e book there for download.
Now back to our show.
(02:20):
Hi, everybody.
Welcome back to another episode of the LibidoLounge.
I'm your host, board certified sexologist,doctor Diane, and I have a really good
relationship treat for you today.
I have here with me doctor Alexandra Stockwell,and we're gonna talk about all sorts cool
things today, but one of the things we're gonnatalk about that I think you guys will find
(02:43):
shocking is that compromise is not always good.
You know, we're taught so many times inrelationships and love of like, meet in the
middle, find the compromise, all those kind ofthings.
And one thing that Doctor.
Alexandra and I share in our philosophy is thatthis is actually problematic because what it
leads to, at least in my opinion, and we'll askDoctor.
(03:06):
Alexandra in a moment hers, But in my opinion,what it leads to is both individuals getting
what they don't want.
And nobody actually in many of these casesreally gets their knees, and so everybody can
feel this sense of let down, and so much more.
So we're gonna get into all that GC stuff andmore.
So thank you so much for being here with metoday.
It is my pleasure, and I love how you'velaunched us.
(03:30):
Awesome.
Well, let's start with that.
You know, I kinda told you in this intro, Ikinda launched into, like, my personal problems
and the work I do with compromise.
Tell me about what you've seen in all youryears of of working in in this world of
intimacy.
What are the problems with compromise?
I definitely will, but I wanna just respond towhat you said first and say that I think what
(03:53):
you've described is disappointment.
When people compromise and neither personreally gets what they want, then comes
disappointment.
And, you know, when we think of the bigimpactful emotions in our lives and
relationships, it's typically sadness, anger,fear, and happiness.
(04:15):
And disappointment is nowhere on the list.
We think of disappointment as like a minoremotion.
The fact is that it slowly but surely erodesconnection in the most detrimental ways and
disappointment is really like priming our soulsfor resentment which leads to disconnection, so
(04:36):
I just really wanna emphasize the point thatyou made.
It's serious.
A little disappointment is not just a smallmatter when it happens on a regular basis.
But shifting to my ideas about compromise, I Ireally agree with what you said.
Compromise is probably the most commonrelationship advice that is given anywhere.
(05:00):
The idea being if you want a happy marriage,you have to be good at compromise.
That is just false because when compromise isguiding you in your interactions, you are
setting yourself up when all goes well for abland, pleasant companionship.
(05:23):
And, you know, that might be enough for somepeople, But my devotion is to smart high
performing couples who are interested in havinga long lasting marriage that is full of
emotional intimacy and erotic aliveness and joyand pleasure and self expression and growth
(05:49):
together.
Compromise is incompatible with creating arelationship that has those qualities, and
here's why.
When you compromise, the way I think of thephenomenon is that you're essentially holding
(06:09):
back on, withholding the truth of who you are,your desires, your dreams, your challenges, who
you are becoming on the inside to any degree towhich that would be uncomfortable for your
partner.
So rather than making your partneruncomfortable and having to navigate that, you
(06:33):
compromise, you acquiesce, You tolerate.
You essentially disconnect from important partsof yourself, at least within the marital
context.
And as human beings, we can't, in our day today interactions, have these kinds of
(06:57):
compromised guided experiences.
And then when we get to the bedroom, find somemagic switch to flip that allows us to be fully
self expressed, present, bringing our wholeauthentic selves in the way that contributes to
a sense of timelessness and erotic expansion.
(07:19):
It just doesn't work that way.
So I advocate for what I call uncompromisingintimacy.
The name of my book is Uncompromising Intimacy,and that really is a good description of the
methodology I use, which is rooted in learningwell, really getting to know yourself and
(07:40):
learning how to share that with your partner ina way that is not blaming, it's not critical,
it's authentically sharing the truth of who youare so you can feel like you're your real self
in interactions with your partner and do thatin such a way that invites your partner to do
(08:01):
the same.
These these can be very vulnerablecommunications.
They can be straightforward.
Really, it's about bringing all the flavors ofyou.
It's not that you have to tell your partnereverything, but if there's something you can't
say, then compromise is at play and it'screating a kind of disconnection that you might
(08:22):
think is unimportant and for day to dayinteractions it might be, But the bedroom, you
can't fool the body.
You can't fool the erotic energy.
So if you're compromising in your day to day,that tends to infiltrate in terms of the
quality of sensual, sexual, erotic connectionthat's possible.
(08:47):
Yeah.
It's so well said.
And I think probably a lot of people are havingthese moments.
Right?
I think one of the things I talk a lot about onthis show is what happens inside the bedroom or
wherever we are physically intimate with ourpartner is actually a reflection of outside the
bedroom and vice versa.
Right?
And what I hear, like, you say that I think isso critical is, hey, like, in all these
(09:10):
conversations we have about sex, aboutintimacy, and all all these things, we talk
about, hey, showing up, asking for your needs,asking for your wants, asking for your desires,
and if our practice throughout the entire restof the day has been compromise your needs,
compromise your wants, compromise your desires,don't fully share yourself, then how if we're
(09:34):
practicing doing the opposite, how do weactually bring that into the bedroom?
Like, It doesn't make sense here.
So I know you have a whole book on this, know,in a ginormous process, and what I'm going to
ask you is obviously not gonna be able to coverit completely in today's show, but do you have
a sense of, like, like, how can we distill thisdown to help people understand just a little
(09:56):
bit of, like, the steps to get started on this?
Because I think there is.
There's so much that we do in relationships oflike, okay, well, wanna be vulnerable, but I
don't wanna upset my person.
I wanna be vulnerable and, you know, and andreally be authentic and whatever it is, but I
don't want to, have them be mad at me or havethem be disappointed.
(10:19):
So we disappoint ourselves sometimes to preventour partner from being disappointed.
And so it almost feels like this trade off.
We're trading one for another.
So how do we begin in what you've seen and whatyou've written about to to rectify that and
start to actually, you know, fully ownourselves as individuals?
(10:40):
Well, the first thing is that when I talk aboutuncompromising intimacy, I don't mean with the
word uncompromising that you always get yourown way.
I'm not talking about being, like,uncompromising, inflexible, rigid.
That also does not contribute to connection andrelational aliveness just as withholding in the
(11:07):
form of compromise doesn't.
When I talk about uncompromising intimacy, I'mreally talking about how to share what's real,
and then you go from there.
Just know both of you knowing it means you'rein the realm of uncompromising, and then you
can decide together what to do.
(11:27):
But in terms of how to actually communicate,which was your question, there are a few
things.
One is to actually know what you wanna say.
And that sounds very obvious, but there are afew things.
One is that when it comes to desire, when itcomes to what's alive inside us, if you're not
(11:52):
used to expressing it, if you're not used toputting your own attention on it, then that
really is the first thing to do completelyindependent of interacting with your partner.
You might journal.
You might daydream.
You might, I don't know, scroll Instagram andsee what inspires you.
I'm not really advocating that, but the pointis that you need to know what it is that you
(12:18):
wanna say.
And it's totally fine if what you wanna say is,I feel dissatisfied.
I'm not sure what I want.
That's okay too.
That's actually a very vulnerablecommunication.
So it's not that you have to figure it all outand then make the communication, but you do
need to consider a little bit of what you'regonna say because if you just take the time to
(12:42):
think out loud and, you know, more of like abrainstorming or eventing, that's fine.
You might well do that in your relationship,but that's not gonna build the kind of
closeness and connection that comes with avulnerable communication like we're talking
about in this context.
So that's the first thing is, like, identifywhat it is that you actually want your partner
(13:05):
to know about you.
Then the next thing is to say to your partner,I have something vulnerable to share with you.
Are you available to hear it?
In other words, you might say vulnerable.
You might say important.
You might say something unusual to share withyou.
Whatever it is that feels accurate to you, ifyou've given some thought to what you wanna
(13:29):
convey, then you're gonna know a good adjectiveto use.
But the point is you say what you want to do,and then you ask if he's available to hear it.
And this needs to be a real question.
This is not just some rhetorical question whereif he says anything other than yes right away,
that then you get mad.
No.
It has to be a real question.
(13:51):
And if you're in a committed relationship, thenthe answer is either, yes.
I'm available or no, which is essentially a notyet.
And so, ideally, you know, like, sometimes I'llsay to my husband, you know, something I really
wanna tell you.
And he'll say, okay.
Well, I've had a long day.
I just wanna take a shower and have somedinner, and then I'll be available.
(14:14):
And that's totally fine.
Okay.
So after you're both opted in to having theconversation, then it's extremely helpful to be
really clear why it is that you wanna say it.
Because let's say you have something that isn'tworking for you in the bedroom or maybe you
(14:40):
don't feel supported with household tasks orwhatever it is.
It really doesn't matter.
If you just start in with that, the most likelyscenario is that your partner is going to shut
down or become defensive and angry.
Those are just normal human reactions.
There's no commentary on his character.
(15:02):
That's just normal.
Just a quick break to let you know that 80% ofwomen do not have orgasms from vaginal
intercourse alone.
So many people are not having the type of sexthat is healing, that brings them closer, that
brings them more connected, that is full of somuch pleasure and passion that it can build
(15:22):
bones, reduce stress, help serotonin, bringhappiness, lower anxiety, improve sleep, and
build a better connection with your partner.
That is what hot and modern monogamy is, ismodern monogamy that brings in all of that
passion, that desire, that closeness, and thathealing, and that's what you can get at the hot
(15:43):
and modern monogamy club.
So if you're interested in that and I can helpyou, please go to modernmonogamyclub.com.
Now back to our show.
So if you begin by saying why it is that you'remaking this communication, what you hope to
achieve from it, and it should be somethingthat's important to both of you.
(16:03):
So for example, it might be, I've been feelingkind of distant, and I want us to be more
connected.
That's why I wanna tell you this.
Or I know you've been wanting to have sex, andI have been declining because I just feel kind
of disconnected.
(16:24):
I think after I share this with you, we'll bothfeel closer, and I'll be more ready to say yes
again.
Or whatever it might be.
Like, it doesn't have to be about sex, althoughthat's a if it is, then say so.
But the point is you want, first of all, theopt in, and second of all, that the
(16:46):
conversation is gonna take the two of you in adirection you both want to go, then he will
listen differently.
And then you make your communication sharingwhatever your experience is, and it's very,
very important if you're gonna have avulnerable communication that it doesn't
(17:07):
include blame.
It it this is not like a setup to make yourpartner wrong, but it is a setup to really
share what's real for you so the two of you canmove forward from there.
And then the final thing is that whether it'sthree minutes later or three days later or
(17:29):
three weeks later, the vulnerable communicationdoes not include problem solving.
It really just includes being present with oneanother So as you share, you feel seen, heard,
and received.
So it's very helpful if you can tell your guyhow to win and say, you know, after I tell you,
(17:53):
I'd really love a hug or after I tell you, Ijust wanna sit quietly together or after I tell
you, I'm gonna have a few questions and you cansee if you have the answer.
Like, just be clear because if you give clearinstructions, he'll be able to give you what
(18:14):
you want.
And if you don't, chances are he is not gonnaread your mind and know.
So I'll just give an example of how this goesbecause I've I've given the general
instructions.
So I'm gonna think about things.
I had to go to bed early.
(18:34):
I'm I'm making this up.
I had to go to bed early last night, and I hadto get up really early this morning for a
really big project at work.
And I asked my husband to clean up the kitchenafter dinner, and he said he would.
And I got up this morning, and the dishes arethe kitchen is not cleaned up.
And, of course, at that point, you know, I havethe option of erupting, of just walking back
(19:00):
out and doing nothing, of cleaning it up,making a lot of noise so everybody knows how
this didn't work for me.
There are lot of options there.
But instead, what I choose to do, and it's notgonna be that morning because I have my big
work project, but in the evening, I'm gonna sayto my husband, I have something I really wanna
share with you.
Are you available to hear it now?
(19:22):
And he's gonna say, let's let's have theconversation after the kids are in bed.
And I'm gonna say, okay.
No problem.
So then it's time for us to get together, andI'm gonna say, I have something I wanna share
with you because I know that if I don't, it'sgonna fester and be this long, drawn out,
(19:47):
unpleasant, disconnecting thing.
And so I'm speaking up so that the two of uscan feel harmonious and in our groove together.
And then I'm gonna say, when I woke up and andthe point I really wanna model here is not
blaming.
When I woke up in the morning and I saw thekitchen was a mess, my heart just sank because
(20:16):
I felt like I'm not important to you.
And that was really hard this morning,especially with this big project that I had
going.
What I didn't model is telling him how to end,like, what to do at the end, but notice that I
(20:44):
really shared the impact.
There's no manipulation.
There's no you shouldn't have.
What the hell were you thinking?
There's none of that.
It's just the impact is that I felt unimportantto you.
Yeah.
And that's heartbreaking when that happens.
(21:09):
And I just wanted you to know.
And, you know, the next time that I have a workproject and I ask him to clean up the kitchen,
or I don't have a work project and I ask him tojust clean up the kitchen, I might say, you
know, is there anything you need for this toact to actually happen?
(21:32):
Like and it could be that he was exhausted andfell asleep, and he meant to do it, and he felt
terrible before I even said anything.
Or he could have totally forgotten about ituntil I say, like, his experience is his
experience.
The point of uncompromising intimacy is for meto open my heart and share my experience both
(21:55):
because that is nourishing and contributes tothe quality of connection and in the context of
this conversation because if I can open myheart, it is so much easier for me to open my
legs later.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's so, so well said, and I love the, youknow, just like the similarities that I've
(22:17):
heard in this and similarities in, like, inwhat I've talked about in my own work even
regarding things like, like, the the permissionI think huge.
And I think even when we're we're asking forpermission around, like, doing the process like
you're talking about, one, it puts, it's like,it puts power in both people's hands.
Like, where it's like, okay, in this exampleyou gave, he has power to say, okay, yes, this
(22:42):
is when I can do this, and then in turn, thethe person that's asking for that conversation,
right, has power because they are suggestingit.
They're bringing it up.
But I know so many people, like just knowingthat there is a space for this conversation can
really help the nervous system relax versuslike, okay, have to have this talk, I have to
(23:04):
have this talk, and like the nervous systemgets hyped up and we're worried and we don't
know how it's gonna go, and we're festering andcircular thinking and all the things, and just
knowing that, okay, there's a space for this,I'm going to be held, we are going to come, you
know, together for this, then even if like youhave to wait, it is, you know, it's sometimes
still hard to wait, it's not saying that's likealways a cakewalk, but it can really help the
(23:27):
nervous system to calm at least somewhat tosay, I am going to be heard.
My partner is going to hear me, and and there'sthat space for it.
And I also think the other thing that I reallywanna highlight when you said is just that that
concept of being successful in theseconversations is in many times asking for
what's how you want your partner to respond.
(23:49):
You know?
Sometimes I think this is where, like, women inparticular, like, we all have our tendencies,
women and men, And sometimes, I know that acommon construct that comes up is women,
they're, like, wanting to just almost, likelike, vent about their day and their their
struggles, and they're not in problem solvingmode.
And a man, you know, again, these are very bigstereotypes.
(24:11):
Of course, this is not true, of course, acrossthe board, but it's just a common thing that
come up is, like, the the man in in a heterorelationship then walks in and is like, you
have a problem.
I can help.
I wanna help.
And then that's not what the person's lookingfor in this example.
It's like, oh, no.
I just wanted I just need to talk to my dad.
I can't solve problems.
I just need your hug.
But how can anybody know that unless we saythat's how we want to respond?
(24:34):
So I think there's so much genius in in the wayyou describe that.
I wanna add to that and say that if someone isused to knowing what they want, like you have a
lot of self acceptance, self awareness, youself honor in how you orient yourself, then
(24:54):
telling your partner how you want him torespond is a very straightforward
communication, actually, and you do your selvesboth a favor, no question.
But what is far more common is you might knownot know what you want, or you might think what
you want is a hug, and it turns out that's notwhat you want.
(25:18):
Maybe you want him to just restate what heunderstood so you can be sure that the
communication was successful and then a hug ormaybe no hug, whatever.
But the point is that you don't actually haveto have this figured out.
I wanna really emphasize building on what yousaid about honoring the nervous system and
(25:45):
calming it that you can say, I think what Iwant afterwards is a hug, and I'm not actually
sure, so I'll update you when I know.
Or you might say, I don't even really know howI want you to respond.
I know lots of times when I haven't liked howyou've respond, but I'm trying to figure out
(26:07):
what works well so I can share you and we canboth be happy with it share it with you and we
can both be happy with it.
And so let's try this, and I'll let you know ifthat's a good way to respond when I share
something like this.
Like, you do not need to have all the answers,but you do need to communicate on your journey
(26:29):
of discovering them.
Yeah.
It's so empowering and just puts I think itputs the couple back into a position where
they're, like, both on the same team.
Right?
It's like we're working together for the samecommon goal of figuring this out, whatever this
is.
And maybe you don't know, but but you're on thesame team again versus, like, almost at odds
(26:51):
with each other, and it works so well.
So in the few minutes we have left today, andthen we'll have to continue in part two.
Oh.
Yeah.
Coming soon.
Can you tell us a little bit about, like,taking this concept of compromise and putting
it to this common thing that we talk about insexology and and sex therapy, sex coaching, all
(27:16):
of it, which is desire mismatch.
And and it's I'm having way more conversationsthese days on people that are like, I hate the
term desire mismatch and I am with them becauseit really does lead to the focus on this.
We create a problem that's not necessarily aproblem.
Right?
And so why is desire and libido mismatch amyth?
(27:37):
Well,
I think the whole way our society in generalthinks about libido mismatch is like one
person's libido it's like a thermostat and oneperson's libido is set on high and the other
(27:57):
person's libido is set on low and somehow wecan't access the thermostat, there's nothing we
can do, that's just how it is.
And so that's basically the fundamental ideaand that is so ridiculous because our
sexuality, it's not compartmentalized.
(28:22):
It's not like we can pinpoint, oh, well, wejust need to take this pill to do this or that.
No.
Our sexuality is expressive of our wholeness.
And if you think of Maslow's hierarchy, youknow, where they're the basic needs of shelter
and clothing and food, like, we need a lot ofdifferent things to be in place in order for
(28:50):
sexual ease and relaxation and desire to flow.
So there are so many elements to this and Iknow you talk about a lot of them, but the main
one that I wanna highlight and my audience isdefinitely both men and women and it's really
important for men to hear this and it's alsoreally important for women to hear this and
(29:14):
that is that if you have low desire if you're awoman with low desire then chances are you're
not having the kind of sex that you would wantmore of And so it it's not I know you talk so
beautifully about the different causes, thephysical cause, the relational cause, and the
(29:38):
individual cause, and I think of both therelational causes of libido and the individual
causes of libido both determining that the kindof sex that's being had is not it's not making
you want more.
(29:59):
And so the real question is not how to changethe thermostat, but how to experience more
pleasure.
And so for a woman with low libido, the firstplace that I highly recommend starting is
putting intention and attention on experiencingmore pleasure in your life.
(30:26):
Never mind sex, orgasm with your clothes offand involving your genitals.
Like, if you have a cup of coffee or tea in themorning, how much do you enjoy the aroma and
the flavors?
Like, how much pleasure do you get when youlook at the sunrise or the sunset or flowers
(30:51):
blossoming, how much pleasure do you get as youcook food with the colors and the textures and
the shapes?
Like, all of our senses, our eyes, our ears,our mouth, touch, and smell are incredible
(31:13):
pathways to pleasure.
And so if you're not having a lot of pleasure,if your libido is low, the first thing to do is
dial up the pleasure for your senses in waysthat actually have nothing to do with sex
except they do because they they lubricate yourresponsiveness for pleasure in the bedroom
(31:37):
which is rooted in sensual experiences.
So the two things that I really wanna emphasizein this conversation are that if you if you
have low libido and you're with a man withhigher desire, then your job is to experience
(32:00):
more pleasure through your senses in your dayto day life and then allow that to infuse more
pleasure in the bedroom and to get real that ifyou're not having the kind of sex that you
(32:21):
would want more of, that you look forward to,then low desire is a very normal, natural,
unproblematic response to that.
It's so well said and such a perfect lead in topart two, you guys.
So we have two.
You guys will be able to access in the clubbelow.
(32:43):
And part two, I'm gonna ask Doctor.
Stockwell about things like how to communicatewith your partner around pleasure, and if
you're having the type of sex that is, like,not what I sometimes call the right type of
sex, where it's, like, just not bringing youpleasure, and just like just like Alexandra's
saying, like, where it's, you're not feelingthat desire because it's not really doing
(33:06):
anything for your pleasure body.
And you might still be having orgasms.
Like Yeah.
That's not the point.
It's is it, like, truly nourishing?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you for that distinction.
Think it's a very important distinction.
So, you know, like talking about, like, havingthe type of sex that is, like, nourishing and
pleasure filled to a point that it's gonnaactually want you excited for more, and how to
(33:32):
have those conversations with a partner whenthat's not happening, and how to have this, you
know, these conversations when the when the egocan get so hurt sometimes around feeling like
we're not providing the type of pleasure wewant for our partner.
So all of that and more in part two coming up,look for that in the show notes.
But before I let you go, I wanna make surepeople know how to work with you, how to access
(33:55):
your book, and anything else you wanna leave uswith today.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
The place to go alexandrastockwell.com.
That's my website.
From there, there are links to my book, whichis on Amazon and Audible, Uncompromising
Intimacy.
It's the way to find my podcast, the intimatemarriage podcast, and links to all my social
(34:20):
media.
I'm very active on my email list.
I send out all kinds of high value tips andtools and further thoughts like we're having in
this conversation.
And if you want to, look into any of myprograms or working with me privately, all of
that is at alexandra stockwell dot com.
(34:41):
Perfect.
And we will have that in the show notes foreverybody for super easy clicks and access.
Please do check out all of doctor Stockwell'sbooks and information.
And everybody, this has been such an amazingepisode.
Thank you so much for being here with me todayand listening to this conversation.
I hope this really helps you with communicationand not compromising yourself, not compromising
(35:07):
your relationship for the intentionality ofbeing more intimate, of uncompromising
intimacy, like the name of doctor Stockwell'sbook.
So thank you everybody for being here.
Thank you, Alexandra, for another greatepisode.
Thank you.
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
(35:28):
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
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