August 21, 2025 • 40 mins
Are you feeling disconnected from your partner, and is it affecting your physical intimacy? Emotional disconnection is a silent killer of relationships, and it can lead to a decline in physical intimacy. In this video, we'll explore the reasons why emotional disconnection destroys your physical intimacy and what you can do to prevent it. From lack of communication to unresolved conflicts, we'll dive into the common causes of emotional disconnection and provide you with practical tips to strengthen your emotional bond with your partner. Whether you're in a new relationship or have been together for years, this video will help you understand the importance of emotional connection in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling physical intimacy. So, watch until the end to learn how to reignite the spark in your relationship and build a deeper emotional connection with your partner
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Language based profiling, every utterance outof your mouth is filtered through one of six
question concepts.
A who, what, when, where, why, and how.
These are all behaviors that I can try on andsee if they work for me or not.
Hopes, dreams, and desires are nothing withoutbehaviors.
(00:24):
It's the concepts and that is four columns ofinformation in the six questions and that gives
you exactly how that person is processing it intheir brain.
So let's figure out your big what's.
You know, big, hairy, audacious goals of whatyou want to achieve.
(00:46):
And what if you took your BHAG, big, hairy,audacious goal, and put that into your
relationship.
Yeah.
Oh my god.
Intimacy almost well, not almost, can onlyhappen in the present.
We have two clear ways, probably three, but twoclear ways.
(01:09):
Number one
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(01:52):
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(02:15):
Now back to our show.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to another episode on the LibidoLounge.
I'm your host, board certified sexologist,doctor Diane Mueller, and I have a special
guest with me today.
I have with me Blair Dunkley.
Blair is gonna talk to us a lot about this thisthing he has developed, which is which is
(02:37):
language based profiling.
We're gonna talk about his work on the mind,with his work on psychology, communication, his
work on understanding your partner, and so muchmore, and how all of this intertwines with
having great and deep intimacy, having great,deep, and wonderful passionate sex, and so much
(02:58):
more, because so much of this does begin withthe way we are interrelating, the way our mind
is perceiving things, the stories we tell andso much more.
So that's what we're gonna get into today.
Welcome to the lounge.
Thank you so much for having me.
Thank you for being here.
So this is a new term for a lot of us, right,this language based profiling?
(03:18):
So I wanna start there because I know this issomething that, as part of your lifelong work,
is putting together this model.
So can you tell us a little bit about, like,what this is and why this is important in terms
of communication and relationships?
Man, that's huge.
Sorry.
That's a lot to unpack.
(03:39):
That that could take me forty years.
So, anyway, but I'll try and tighten it up to afew minutes.
So the the long and short of it is languagebased profiling, every utterance out of your
mouth is filtered through one of six questionconcepts of who, what, when, where, why, and
(03:59):
how.
Those are the only functional six questionconcepts I've been able to find.
Now if you talk to people in computer researchand, you know, NLP, natural language
processing, they say there's eight, and I begto differ strongly because their fundamentals,
(04:22):
they don't know what the fundamental conceptsare that drive a who, what, when, where, why,
and how.
And I researched that for six years.
That has a great deal to do with how youperceive your partner, yourself, your intimacy,
including your confidence and self confidence,which are again not the same thing.
(04:48):
And I figured that out because of languagebased profiling.
Okay.
So my question here on this is sometimes I'veheard people say, and I agree with what I'm
about to say in many ways, that life is aboutthe questions we ask ourselves.
And so people sometimes ask themselvesquestions like an example could be like, why do
(05:09):
I look like crap today?
Well, if we ask ourselves a question like that,we're gonna get a whole list of answers of the
brain being like, well, you didn't brush yourhair right, yada yada yada.
Okay.
Can
I break down this stuff?
Sure.
Sure.
Sure.
Let me let me see.
So right there, you went why initially
Mhmm.
And you processed that through a true why.
(05:30):
It wasn't a disguised question or concept.
It wasn't a disguised what.
It was a a true why, which gives you reasonsonly can give you reasons, excuses,
rationalizations, and justifications.
That's all that a why can do.
It's very creative in that.
Now it can also only when you say, Why do Ilook this way?
(05:57):
And then you said, Because I didn't brush Ididn't brush my hair.
Well, that simple didn't refers to the past.
Wise 100% of the time lock you in your past.
They you cannot be present and the only placewhere change can be is in the present.
(06:22):
So you're locked in your past and all you cando is load emotion first because wise, load
emotion before information in your brain.
So technically, that's not accurate if youreally wanna get nerdy science y here.
They both load virtually simultaneously but theamount that, your prefrontal cortex, your
(06:47):
cognitive domain, actually fires is far lesspercentage wise than the area in your limbic
system and emotional area.
And it's not purely limbic, but I'm I'm goingto slur the science on this a little bit.
I'm just for time's sake.
I don't wanna get into details here that mostpeople won't be interested in.
(07:10):
But the bottom line here is more of your lizardbrain area will and emotional center will light
up percentage wise because you're talking in y.
And y will drive that more base emotionaldrivers.
Okay, but my question, so thank you for that.
My question here is that I, that was basicallylike, okay, well, it's about, say, the
(07:33):
questions we ask.
So I'm trying to understand this model.
So like the example, the second example I wasgonna give here was like or I could give myself
the question, why I look beautiful today.
So that I hear you around, okay, well, why isin the past, maybe this is more like lizard
type of brain, But my curiosity is with, like,understanding this is like is like, okay, well,
(07:55):
how like, where is the utility in this from,hey, I have why of, hey, I'm asking myself this
question that my brain is gonna naturally findanswers to, and these answers could be
problematic and not helpful to me, or theycould be helpful, but in many ways not helpful.
Or I could ask myself a different question, whyam I so beautiful today?
And then I can have all of these differentanswers that are probably gonna be a lot more
(08:18):
positive in nature.
Like, is there an element of, like, within thecontext of your six questions here where it's
not just about the questions, it's also about,like, the way we ask the question that you find
important?
That is so, so true.
Now your second why question here is not coulddo do you mind before I actually explain this
(08:39):
so I don't lead you into anything?
Just tell me the answer to why are you sobeautiful today?
Well, I got up and I crimped my hair, I washedmy face, I took a great walk, I did my
meditation so I could get in the right vibe forthe day.
I'll leave it at that.
Okay.
Great.
Now, yes, those are past, but how do you viewyourself connected to that information in the
(09:04):
past, present, or future?
I would say there's an element of past but alsopresent.
Correct.
And which percentage is higher, past orpresent?
Probably more in the present.
Correct.
That means that you're in a what, why languagepattern because the why of it, although you
used the word, it was not the main driver.
(09:27):
What is the main driver?
And as I shared before we got on here that thewhole area, there are two fundamental types of
emotions we deal with all the time.
We well, we deal with why emotions, which isthe self judgment, the self recrimination.
You beat yourself up, and you stack all kindsof stuff that was there.
(09:49):
But did you notice that the past stuff wasgeneralized and the more present stuff was more
specific.
I crimped my hair.
I did this.
I did that.
You know, it's all things that you did, but itreferences the present of where you are now.
That doesn't make sense to me.
(10:10):
So so can you clarify this listeners?
Because Please.
When we were talking about like the first why,like why do I not look as good today or however
I framed it, the specific thing I said was Ididn't brush my hair.
Right?
And that to me, I don't understand how it'slike specific versus not because to me that was
a specific thing I said.
It is.
However, if we had a chance to do a deeperdive, what I would go is so do you when you
(10:37):
view yourself as unattractive, what are thesituations that you see, and how do you frame
that in your mind?
Most people who see themselves as unattractivewill frame it as a generalization that they
didn't do their their thing, and they don'thave a ritual to do that.
(10:59):
You framed your your second situation as thoughit's nearly a ritual for you to crimp your
hair, do everything that you said, and turnthat into something that gets you into a state
in the present that you can then carry forwardfor the rest of the day.
Okay.
(11:19):
So as we're getting pretty meta here, I wannamake sure that we're bringing it down to the
practical.
So, like, give, like give me an example, like,real world, if you would, for our listeners to
help understand.
So these concepts of, like, these questions.
Right?
So I hear you and your work.
There's these questions, and then they deliverdifferent things, it sounds like, to the
(11:41):
conversation.
Can you kinda set a little bit of a foundationtoo for us from a standpoint of your
methodology and these questions and how thesequestions actually help with communication and
intimacy so we understand kind of the purposehere a little bit.
Sure.
So let me ask you a question.
Where does change happen?
(12:01):
Past, present, or future?
Present.
Can you change your past?
You can change your relationship and how youview your past, your memory of your past, those
kind of things.
Can you change your future?
You can make take actions today that couldimpact your future.
So both of your answers, your past and yourfuture, are only present things that you can do
(12:25):
to impact those.
So can you actually change your present?
Well, first I at first I said, like, changehappens in the present, but then you could then
you challenged me.
So I thought I got the answer wrong.
So did I No.
No.
No.
Yeah.
You got the answer perfectly correctly.
K.
But then I went in and I do challenge people onthis because then they try and fudge it in
(12:46):
their brain trying to make their pastadjustable into their present or have their
present influence their future so that thatfuture condition is now, which just messes up
their brain.
And when we have fantasy in relationships, weare projecting into the future and sometimes we
(13:10):
cannot specify it and find out and communicateexactly how we're feeling in the moment to be
able to bring that to the present so that wholepast stuff and whole future stuff gets
collapsed into a present moment.
And when you have a past future and no abilityto describe it, you have some form of
(13:35):
frustration or anxiety or fear or I can't talkabout this or I'm not understood or something
that is reflecting on either the past or thefuture but isn't dealt with in the present.
So So what's saying then is then in context of,say, communication from an intimacy standpoint,
(13:57):
part of the problem that you're seeing, and andthis is me paraphrasing trying to Yes.
Please.
Go ahead.
So part of the problem is that people areprojecting into the past or the future and
they're not staying present in the moment withwhat's actually happened.
Is that what I hear?
Absolutely.
Okay.
And that is a huge part of intimacy.
(14:17):
That intimacy almost well, not almost, can onlyhappen in the present.
So what about and I'm gonna challenge you now.
Respectfully.
Yeah.
No.
No.
That please.
What
about then the idea of, like, visualization forfuture, for, like, okay, let's visualize our
(14:38):
hopes and dreams and what we're trying tocreate together.
Or even people that, like, visualize, hey, wewanna create this, like, this fantasy in our
physical, mental, or or sexual realities.
You know, fantasies are oftentimes projectionsinto the future.
Visualizations are projections into the future.
And where does that fit into this idea of, hey,we need to be in the present in order to
(15:02):
communicate well and that sort of thing.
Well, you know what?
I've been I came up with a quote, sort of, Ihope this sort of summarizes it.
Hopes, dreams, and desires without behaviorchange nothing.
Mhmm.
So all of the visualizations that you do don'tchange anything until you can attach that to a
(15:28):
behavior.
And the first behavior that I found when I wasdoing my marriage counseling was quite
literally having people talk about their hopes,dreams, and desires to find out from their
partner.
Is that something that they'd like to explore?
(15:51):
And when the answer is yes or no, doesn'tmatter, it creates an openness to discuss more,
and that's in the present.
So we take from the future or take from thepast and their hopes, dreams, and desires for
having a better relationship.
(16:12):
But if we judge that and hold on to theemotional outcome of the answer as opposed to
taking that as information that we can adjustour behavior in the moment.
That's where the fun lies is making theseadjustments, is figuring out how can I find a
(16:36):
way to communicate and make some of thesehopes, dreams, and desires some form of reality
and become resourceful rather than set anexpectation to have just what I want the way I
want when I want?
And that unfortunately is generally not the waythat healthy relationships work.
(17:00):
It's very mutual.
It's great communication.
It plays together.
And somebody says, oh, I like that.
And somebody goes, I like doing that.
Well, let's do more of that.
Great.
So that actually I call it it's a reallyintimate, sexy way of being able to communicate
because you get to find out from your partnerand with yourself what you're prepared
(17:26):
behaviorally to do.
So the seed is our hopes, dreams, and desires,or you can call them visualizations.
I have seen a lot of studies on visualizations,done a few myself.
And the problem that I have with visualizationis when people have no experience on
visualizations, the functionality ofvisualization drops dramatically.
(17:53):
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Now let's get back to our episode.
We have two clear ways, probably three, but twoclear ways.
(18:57):
Number one is just by turning around andgetting curious and saying, what does cute mean
to you when you're telling me?
Please be specific.
And initially, when I tried that back in theday, I did not have the skills that I currently
have.
So, you know, I screw I I did that, and shesaid, well, you're very cute.
(19:21):
You're just a cute man.
Like, I like cute.
Great.
I that's nice.
I internally, it's that's nice for you.
It doesn't do anything for me, but I'm tryingto please.
And so that didn't have the effect that she washoping for, let's put it that way.
(19:46):
So now what I would do is I would go, so canyou be very specific on what works for you
around cute?
Well, I like the look at your face.
You're sort of ruggedly attractive to me.
You've got this look.
I like your great beard.
I love your eyes.
You know, the way that you look at me.
(20:08):
When you're into me, I know it.
And and they go, oh, okay.
And then I try and get a smoldering look or getplayful and and do something like that.
And and in a silly sort of way, but veryspecifically, I'm trying to figure out how do I
train myself to be the thing that she's thereand determine whether or not that's a fit for
(20:35):
me.
I'm try it's like close.
Okay.
I have a black t shirt on.
I I can go change it.
You know, these are all behaviors that I cantry on and see if they work for me or not and
see if they work for her or not.
And then I can go in and also ask, could youtry calling me handsome if you figured this
(21:01):
out?
And that's what I actually wound up doing witha girlfriend that I had afterwards.
And I said, with like, she went acute.
I don't know what it was, but it got ittriggered me.
And so I wasn't interested.
And I said, do you wanna not be interested, ordo you want to resolve this?
And I said, I wanna be I wanna resolve this.
So I knew I'd stumbled across handsome, and Iasked her do you find me handsome?
(21:27):
And it was oh yeah like it was a veryenthusiastic answer.
I got lucky because she didn't want to call mehandsome because she thought I'd have an ego
about that.
And I go, no.
I have never found myself that attractive towomen.
I have never found myself as a good lookingman.
(21:49):
And all of a sudden, I got feedback.
You're a very good looking man.
And it needed to go on for months, literally,and from multiple sources.
Also, I had another friend who happened to befemale.
And my girlfriend was talking with my friendwho also is a woman, and they were saying, you
(22:13):
know what?
It's really a shame Blair doesn't see himselfas an attractive man.
And this is during that phase where I wastrying to sort it through.
And she went, yeah.
And she suggested to my friend to have her tellme that I'm an I'm an attractive man.
(22:34):
And I had it from two sources, very differentsources.
And they weren't trying to butter me up,especially the lost one who's just a friend.
And I go, woah.
I gotta reevaluate myself.
And I needed to figure out what's my story Iwas telling myself.
(23:00):
I have this little boy cute story that I ran inmy head that it wasn't crystal clear, but it
was definitely something that I saw myself as,you know, a pre pubescent boy being cute.
No drive.
And I go, okay.
(23:21):
That's important because I'm a man now andthese women are not never saw me as that child.
Now they're seeing me as somebody who ismasculine, who is manly, who is, you know,
attractive, who looks good in their eyes.
(23:44):
And I feel I can become way more self confidentbecause self confidence is me self identifying
my own effective use of skills, attitudes, andbehaviors, and especially the behaviors.
And then I can align my behaviors with mypartner's desires.
(24:10):
And OMG.
Yeah.
I see.
I mean, I see, so I see the power of this,which is amazing.
I think where I still feel a little confused onyour methodology that I'd love you to speak a
little bit more is like, just like being morecurious of like, is there more of like a system
from a standpoint of like, oh, you're thinkingthis, okay, here are the set of questions that
(24:33):
people need to ask themselves, here's kind oflike, you know, more of them like that that,
like, understanding of the the methodology.
Like, are there are there a typical set ofquestions that really, like, that you would
recommend people ask themselves if like or, youknow, people ask their partner?
Sorry.
Go ahead.
I have come up with lists of questions Mhmm.
Over the years.
(24:54):
I have found that they are not as reliable as Iwould like
Mhmm.
Because everybody is so unique.
Mhmm.
And their whole story.
And when I came up with with questions to ask,some of those questions triggered one or both
parties into their past because I guaranteeyou, you know, 80% of the people out there have
(25:20):
some kind of trauma related to sexualencounters at some point.
And they, they, that can rise up very, veryquickly, completely triggered by questions.
And I go, okay, so how can you keep it so thatit's most flexible for individuals?
Well, what if we just gave them a processmodel?
(25:44):
Mhmm.
And saying, if you're curious and you ask, youstay away from why based questions and you
stick with what and how and keep your presentyour question as present as possible and
directly forward facing, Then all of a sudden,when I did that with my clients back in the
(26:07):
day, wow.
A forward facing what now?
And then I'd have them talk about what'sforward facing to you, practice asking some
questions.
And the biggest challenge that they had wasasking questions that actually were curious.
Mhmm.
Because there's three things that three waysthat you can ask a question.
(26:27):
You can ask a question to prove, you can ask aquestion to position, or you can ask a question
to build a process with.
Mhmm.
I call it the three p's of questioning.
And the process piece is the only one thatrequires curiosity at its root.
Mhmm.
And when you're curious, everything startsworking magically, practically.
(26:48):
And I hate that because I'm a behavioralscientist at heart, but I have no other way of
describing it because you put that curiosity inand stuff pops out of people's head that sounds
curious.
That does not sound, I'm right, you're wrong,and I'm trying to prove it.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That helps a lot.
Thank you for explaining that.
(27:10):
And I think, like, what I'm gathering that thenfrom, like, a take home for people is, like,
and I hear this from a lot of, you know,therapists I talk to, and, you know, educators
and doctors and clinicians of all type, one ofthe most common things I see is like start with
curiosity.
You know, that's like a fundamental, talking toso many different experts, a fundamental thing
(27:31):
I hear over and over again, and I think, youknow, this process of like, what I hear and
what you're saying is like, hey, the why's alittle bit dangerous because the why takes you
away from the present.
It takes you down this road of the past, whichis innately like like, we can change a
relationship to it, but we can't change it.
So what I hear is like really, you know, reallyfocusing on the what and the how questions when
(27:53):
you're communicating about cute versushandsome, about what you wanna do in bed or
whatever it else Yes.
Is really the fundamental, like, we could focusmore on those questions, the communication
effectiveness is gonna go through the roof.
Bingo.
Right?
Okay.
Absolutely.
Thank you, thank you for walking me throughthat.
I understand it so much, Bob.
My pleasure.
So then, what about one of the things that wetalked about offline is what is the question
(28:19):
everybody asks that ultimately destroysrelationships?
And I'm going to guess that it starts with why.
Am I correct?
So tell me about this question.
What is the question that everybody gets askedthat actually destroys relationships?
Destroys or restores?
Destroys was what we had talked about outthere.
About destroys, and that is it.
That's you're absolutely a 100% right becauseeverybody wants to figure everybody's been told
(28:45):
through pop psychology, through mindset stuff,through everything and, you know, Simon Sinek's
Ask Why.
If, like, there's one way to take that out ofour culture, it has wrecked so many things,
including I do business.
I do relationship coaching.
(29:07):
I do executive coaching.
And when executives take home, like, what isyour big why?
I've seen relationships freaking blow upbecause a senior executive takes home and tries
to use that on his partner, and I get called into try and resolve it.
(29:30):
And, I've been able to every single time so farwhen I'm called in quickly enough, number one.
Number two, I'm also able to restore it bygetting the person out of their story and into
what it is that they want and how they can moveforward.
(29:53):
So where we are now to where we want to gobecause we can't change your past.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
You go.
Well, because, you know, at the end of the day,we all have our past.
But the brain, the neuroscience of the brain,the more we practice on building strengths and
(30:15):
going towards what we want, the more naturalpruning the brain will do on all of that
negative stuff, making it smaller and smallerand smaller.
And the felt sense that it's a big deal goes toyou don't forget forget.
Well, sometimes you do, but usually it's soit's reduced to such a minor degree that it's,
(30:38):
ah, one of the things that you just rememberedthat happened in your life next.
And you have enough retention of thatinformation to not go there again, which is
great.
Survival is great, but, you know, getting intoa better life and building success.
That's huge.
And success in the bedroom, the success with apartner and the intimacy.
(30:59):
And being able to take that intimacy out of thebedroom and put it into your day to day life
just by giving the purse I described earlierhere just the look.
Well, when you're in the kitchen or you're outon a on a, business meeting and your partner's
across the room and you can give her or himthat look, your every all the energy changes
(31:26):
for you.
It's amazing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's interesting you even bringing in the,like, the corporate component of this is so
it's it's it's a point worth bringing up,because I feel like with any business coaching
or training that I've done, and I've done asubstantial amount of this over the years, one
(31:46):
of the common things that comes up is know yourwhy.
You know, like you mentioned Absolutely.
Why is one of the most common questions.
So it sounds like you in some ways would, youknow, say, though it's not about knowing your
why, it's about knowing your what.
Well, technically, it is your what but it'syour what paired with the how.
Because the list of what's, if you know yourwhat, that's so that's good.
(32:10):
Yep.
But if you can't build behaviors on that whatyou're screwed.
Pardon my language but yeah you're completelyscrewed.
Yeah.
Because Action.
You it requires behavior.
As I said, hopes, dreams, and desire desiresare nothing without behaviors.
Mhmm.
(32:32):
So then what about the question that youthought I asked which is, what is the question
everybody asks that actually repairsrelationships?
So is that the what and the how then, or isthere something else to add there?
You know what?
It is what's and how's, but you've gotta beable to ask the question with curiosity, with a
process in mind.
(32:53):
If you do if you're asking a static question ofwhat did you do, past tense, it's a disguised
why.
Yeah.
Okay.
That means you're going back to the past.
You're forcing that person into justifying whythey're they're doing their thing.
So it's not the words who, what, where, when,why, and how.
(33:14):
It's the concept, and that is four columns ofinformation in the six questions and that gives
you exactly how that person is processing it intheir brain.
Mhmm.
So that's literally you we talked briefly aboutprofiling, language based profiling.
That is the piece that I use mid for themajority pairing that with seventeen and a half
(33:38):
years of research on beliefs and recognizingthat beliefs cannot change, on an ongoing
basis, cannot turn into habits withoutbehaviors.
So let's just start with making behavior changefirst.
(34:01):
And in Simon Sinek's main thing, there he hasthis thing called the golden circle.
And when he goes in there and talks about why,he immediately gives a I and let me define why.
It mean what it means is this.
What it means is this, what it means is this.
(34:23):
He uses three what's immediately to define thewhy.
Don't that's just the disguised what and threewhys that are disguised once again.
He uses six whys.
The the word that he's trying to define is why,but he's doing it in terms of whats.
(34:44):
Yeah.
And it's messing up people and businesses likenobody's business and I've been called in to
fix companies that have gone through that andthey can't seem to figure it out and that's
where I have gone in and straightened them outand helped them get clarity so that they don't
have a knowing your big why and and some of thethings that I've I've heard you know if your if
(35:10):
your why isn't big enough that it makes youcry, it's not big enough.
And I go that's garbage.
Yeah.
That is so garbage.
So let's figure out your big what's.
You know, big hairy audacious goals Yeah.
Of what you want to achieve.
(35:31):
And what if you took your BHAG, big, hairy,audacious goal, and put that into your
relationship?
Yeah.
Oh my god.
And then had conversations about that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, so, so much there.
(35:51):
I really appreciate all of this, Blair.
I wanna make sure as our time is wrapping uphere, one, I just thank you so much coming on.
I think there's so much value in understandingthis, you know, and understanding that these
simple ways we frame questions can literallymake or break relationships.
They can make or break our sexuality with ourpartner, our emotional intimacy, our marriages,
(36:16):
our long term relationships, and more.
So I think it's so important.
And I know you have a free master class that Iwanna make sure everybody knows about, so
people, you can get this additional informationfor free from you.
And how do they find that?
Then we'll put it in the show notes as well,but if wanna tell us a little bit about that.
Absolutely.
Well, it's all about the three e's, which isthe mind models, the three mind models that I
(36:40):
used repeatedly, with virtually everybody inevery situation.
But the first mind model is effective versusineffective.
Not good, bad, right, or wrong because thattriggers the brain to go into a judgment.
Because as children, we were taught you're agood boy, you're a good girl.
You know, you're a bad boy, you're a bad girl.
(37:02):
Like, all of that good, bad, better, best, allthat competitive crap doesn't allow you to
evaluate your behavior because everything thatyou do is you.
Well, that's not true.
This t shirt is not me.
You may not like it.
I can go change it.
But it's not me.
(37:24):
I can change my behavior.
It's not me.
It's just the behavior and I can change it.
And all of a sudden when I introduce that intoeffective versus ineffective people go, well,
wow, what if I ask my partner, what might I domore effectively?
Or what am I doing that's ineffective?
(37:44):
And ask them to just name and label it.
Not go into a story.
Just tell me what it is and then let me explorehow I can adjust that behavior.
Great.
Okay.
So is that now when you explore it, is that nowexternally verifiable?
Which is the second of the three e's.
(38:06):
Externally versus internally verifiable.
Because if it's internally verifiable, you'regonna just take that in and go, yeah.
It's me.
I'm a piece of crap here.
It doesn't work well.
You know?
Yada yada.
And you just beat the crap out of yourself.
Or you hold it as, hey.
This is externally verifiable.
This is a behavior I can actually change.
(38:27):
And I can actually test something to see if mypartner likes what I'm doing and get feedback
on is that better or worse.
And sure enough, you'll drop the stuff that'snot working for them and do what is working for
them.
And that just makes you a better lover.
(38:47):
Okay?
And then finally is evaluation versus judgment.
All the crap that we do about selfrecrimination and judging how I'm not a very
good lover and my my partner doesn't think I'ma very good lover and yada yada yada.
Okay.
Well, wanna change that forever?
Literally.
Forever.
(39:08):
Start evaluating and look at it as anincremental improvement.
And if you made an one small improvement everyday, a year later, you've made 352
improvements.
Hello.
You're gonna be great at whatever it is thatyou need to do.
(39:30):
So there's a hour and twenty minute masterclassin there as well.
Amazing.
Yeah.
So that's all in the free gift.
Awesome.
I love that so much.
And so everybody, we're gonna have that link tothe masterclass on these three e's.
So much more, how to get a hold of, how to workwith Blair, all in the show notes, so just look
(39:51):
for that there.
And that makes it a wrap for today, so thankyou everybody for being here.
Thank you so much Blair for all of this wisdomand knowledge.
It's deeply appreciated, and I will see you allvery soon on another episode of the Lounge.
Ciao for now.
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
(40:12):
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
Language based profiling, every utterance outof your mouth is filtered through one of six
question concepts.
A who, what, when, where, why, and how.
These are all behaviors that I can try on andsee if they work for me or not.
Hopes, dreams, and desires are nothing withoutbehaviors.
(00:24):
It's the concepts and that is four columns ofinformation in the six questions and that gives
you exactly how that person is processing it intheir brain.
So let's figure out your big what's.
You know, big, hairy, audacious goals of whatyou want to achieve.
(00:46):
And what if you took your BHAG, big, hairy,audacious goal, and put that into your
relationship.
Yeah.
Oh my god.
Intimacy almost well, not almost, can onlyhappen in the present.
We have two clear ways, probably three, but twoclear ways.
(01:09):
Number one
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(02:15):
Now back to our show.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to another episode on the LibidoLounge.
I'm your host, board certified sexologist,doctor Diane Mueller, and I have a special
guest with me today.
I have with me Blair Dunkley.
Blair is gonna talk to us a lot about this thisthing he has developed, which is which is
(02:37):
language based profiling.
We're gonna talk about his work on the mind,with his work on psychology, communication, his
work on understanding your partner, and so muchmore, and how all of this intertwines with
having great and deep intimacy, having great,deep, and wonderful passionate sex, and so much
(02:58):
more, because so much of this does begin withthe way we are interrelating, the way our mind
is perceiving things, the stories we tell andso much more.
So that's what we're gonna get into today.
Welcome to the lounge.
Thank you so much for having me.
Thank you for being here.
So this is a new term for a lot of us, right,this language based profiling?
(03:18):
So I wanna start there because I know this issomething that, as part of your lifelong work,
is putting together this model.
So can you tell us a little bit about, like,what this is and why this is important in terms
of communication and relationships?
Man, that's huge.
Sorry.
That's a lot to unpack.
(03:39):
That that could take me forty years.
So, anyway, but I'll try and tighten it up to afew minutes.
So the the long and short of it is languagebased profiling, every utterance out of your
mouth is filtered through one of six questionconcepts of who, what, when, where, why, and
(03:59):
how.
Those are the only functional six questionconcepts I've been able to find.
Now if you talk to people in computer researchand, you know, NLP, natural language
processing, they say there's eight, and I begto differ strongly because their fundamentals,
(04:22):
they don't know what the fundamental conceptsare that drive a who, what, when, where, why,
and how.
And I researched that for six years.
That has a great deal to do with how youperceive your partner, yourself, your intimacy,
including your confidence and self confidence,which are again not the same thing.
(04:48):
And I figured that out because of languagebased profiling.
Okay.
So my question here on this is sometimes I'veheard people say, and I agree with what I'm
about to say in many ways, that life is aboutthe questions we ask ourselves.
And so people sometimes ask themselvesquestions like an example could be like, why do
(05:09):
I look like crap today?
Well, if we ask ourselves a question like that,we're gonna get a whole list of answers of the
brain being like, well, you didn't brush yourhair right, yada yada yada.
Okay.
Can
I break down this stuff?
Sure.
Sure.
Sure.
Let me let me see.
So right there, you went why initially
Mhmm.
And you processed that through a true why.
(05:30):
It wasn't a disguised question or concept.
It wasn't a disguised what.
It was a a true why, which gives you reasonsonly can give you reasons, excuses,
rationalizations, and justifications.
That's all that a why can do.
It's very creative in that.
Now it can also only when you say, Why do Ilook this way?
(05:57):
And then you said, Because I didn't brush Ididn't brush my hair.
Well, that simple didn't refers to the past.
Wise 100% of the time lock you in your past.
They you cannot be present and the only placewhere change can be is in the present.
(06:22):
So you're locked in your past and all you cando is load emotion first because wise, load
emotion before information in your brain.
So technically, that's not accurate if youreally wanna get nerdy science y here.
They both load virtually simultaneously but theamount that, your prefrontal cortex, your
(06:47):
cognitive domain, actually fires is far lesspercentage wise than the area in your limbic
system and emotional area.
And it's not purely limbic, but I'm I'm goingto slur the science on this a little bit.
I'm just for time's sake.
I don't wanna get into details here that mostpeople won't be interested in.
(07:10):
But the bottom line here is more of your lizardbrain area will and emotional center will light
up percentage wise because you're talking in y.
And y will drive that more base emotionaldrivers.
Okay, but my question, so thank you for that.
My question here is that I, that was basicallylike, okay, well, it's about, say, the
(07:33):
questions we ask.
So I'm trying to understand this model.
So like the example, the second example I wasgonna give here was like or I could give myself
the question, why I look beautiful today.
So that I hear you around, okay, well, why isin the past, maybe this is more like lizard
type of brain, But my curiosity is with, like,understanding this is like is like, okay, well,
(07:55):
how like, where is the utility in this from,hey, I have why of, hey, I'm asking myself this
question that my brain is gonna naturally findanswers to, and these answers could be
problematic and not helpful to me, or theycould be helpful, but in many ways not helpful.
Or I could ask myself a different question, whyam I so beautiful today?
And then I can have all of these differentanswers that are probably gonna be a lot more
(08:18):
positive in nature.
Like, is there an element of, like, within thecontext of your six questions here where it's
not just about the questions, it's also about,like, the way we ask the question that you find
important?
That is so, so true.
Now your second why question here is not coulddo do you mind before I actually explain this
(08:39):
so I don't lead you into anything?
Just tell me the answer to why are you sobeautiful today?
Well, I got up and I crimped my hair, I washedmy face, I took a great walk, I did my
meditation so I could get in the right vibe forthe day.
I'll leave it at that.
Okay.
Great.
Now, yes, those are past, but how do you viewyourself connected to that information in the
(09:04):
past, present, or future?
I would say there's an element of past but alsopresent.
Correct.
And which percentage is higher, past orpresent?
Probably more in the present.
Correct.
That means that you're in a what, why languagepattern because the why of it, although you
used the word, it was not the main driver.
(09:27):
What is the main driver?
And as I shared before we got on here that thewhole area, there are two fundamental types of
emotions we deal with all the time.
We well, we deal with why emotions, which isthe self judgment, the self recrimination.
You beat yourself up, and you stack all kindsof stuff that was there.
(09:49):
But did you notice that the past stuff wasgeneralized and the more present stuff was more
specific.
I crimped my hair.
I did this.
I did that.
You know, it's all things that you did, but itreferences the present of where you are now.
That doesn't make sense to me.
(10:10):
So so can you clarify this listeners?
Because Please.
When we were talking about like the first why,like why do I not look as good today or however
I framed it, the specific thing I said was Ididn't brush my hair.
Right?
And that to me, I don't understand how it'slike specific versus not because to me that was
a specific thing I said.
It is.
However, if we had a chance to do a deeperdive, what I would go is so do you when you
(10:37):
view yourself as unattractive, what are thesituations that you see, and how do you frame
that in your mind?
Most people who see themselves as unattractivewill frame it as a generalization that they
didn't do their their thing, and they don'thave a ritual to do that.
(10:59):
You framed your your second situation as thoughit's nearly a ritual for you to crimp your
hair, do everything that you said, and turnthat into something that gets you into a state
in the present that you can then carry forwardfor the rest of the day.
Okay.
(11:19):
So as we're getting pretty meta here, I wannamake sure that we're bringing it down to the
practical.
So, like, give, like give me an example, like,real world, if you would, for our listeners to
help understand.
So these concepts of, like, these questions.
Right?
So I hear you and your work.
There's these questions, and then they deliverdifferent things, it sounds like, to the
(11:41):
conversation.
Can you kinda set a little bit of a foundationtoo for us from a standpoint of your
methodology and these questions and how thesequestions actually help with communication and
intimacy so we understand kind of the purposehere a little bit.
Sure.
So let me ask you a question.
Where does change happen?
(12:01):
Past, present, or future?
Present.
Can you change your past?
You can change your relationship and how youview your past, your memory of your past, those
kind of things.
Can you change your future?
You can make take actions today that couldimpact your future.
So both of your answers, your past and yourfuture, are only present things that you can do
(12:25):
to impact those.
So can you actually change your present?
Well, first I at first I said, like, changehappens in the present, but then you could then
you challenged me.
So I thought I got the answer wrong.
So did I No.
No.
No.
Yeah.
You got the answer perfectly correctly.
K.
But then I went in and I do challenge people onthis because then they try and fudge it in
(12:46):
their brain trying to make their pastadjustable into their present or have their
present influence their future so that thatfuture condition is now, which just messes up
their brain.
And when we have fantasy in relationships, weare projecting into the future and sometimes we
(13:10):
cannot specify it and find out and communicateexactly how we're feeling in the moment to be
able to bring that to the present so that wholepast stuff and whole future stuff gets
collapsed into a present moment.
And when you have a past future and no abilityto describe it, you have some form of
(13:35):
frustration or anxiety or fear or I can't talkabout this or I'm not understood or something
that is reflecting on either the past or thefuture but isn't dealt with in the present.
So So what's saying then is then in context of,say, communication from an intimacy standpoint,
(13:57):
part of the problem that you're seeing, and andthis is me paraphrasing trying to Yes.
Please.
Go ahead.
So part of the problem is that people areprojecting into the past or the future and
they're not staying present in the moment withwhat's actually happened.
Is that what I hear?
Absolutely.
Okay.
And that is a huge part of intimacy.
(14:17):
That intimacy almost well, not almost, can onlyhappen in the present.
So what about and I'm gonna challenge you now.
Respectfully.
Yeah.
No.
No.
That please.
What
about then the idea of, like, visualization forfuture, for, like, okay, let's visualize our
(14:38):
hopes and dreams and what we're trying tocreate together.
Or even people that, like, visualize, hey, wewanna create this, like, this fantasy in our
physical, mental, or or sexual realities.
You know, fantasies are oftentimes projectionsinto the future.
Visualizations are projections into the future.
And where does that fit into this idea of, hey,we need to be in the present in order to
(15:02):
communicate well and that sort of thing.
Well, you know what?
I've been I came up with a quote, sort of, Ihope this sort of summarizes it.
Hopes, dreams, and desires without behaviorchange nothing.
Mhmm.
So all of the visualizations that you do don'tchange anything until you can attach that to a
(15:28):
behavior.
And the first behavior that I found when I wasdoing my marriage counseling was quite
literally having people talk about their hopes,dreams, and desires to find out from their
partner.
Is that something that they'd like to explore?
(15:51):
And when the answer is yes or no, doesn'tmatter, it creates an openness to discuss more,
and that's in the present.
So we take from the future or take from thepast and their hopes, dreams, and desires for
having a better relationship.
(16:12):
But if we judge that and hold on to theemotional outcome of the answer as opposed to
taking that as information that we can adjustour behavior in the moment.
That's where the fun lies is making theseadjustments, is figuring out how can I find a
(16:36):
way to communicate and make some of thesehopes, dreams, and desires some form of reality
and become resourceful rather than set anexpectation to have just what I want the way I
want when I want?
And that unfortunately is generally not the waythat healthy relationships work.
(17:00):
It's very mutual.
It's great communication.
It plays together.
And somebody says, oh, I like that.
And somebody goes, I like doing that.
Well, let's do more of that.
Great.
So that actually I call it it's a reallyintimate, sexy way of being able to communicate
because you get to find out from your partnerand with yourself what you're prepared
(17:26):
behaviorally to do.
So the seed is our hopes, dreams, and desires,or you can call them visualizations.
I have seen a lot of studies on visualizations,done a few myself.
And the problem that I have with visualizationis when people have no experience on
visualizations, the functionality ofvisualization drops dramatically.
(17:53):
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(18:16):
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Now let's get back to our episode.
We have two clear ways, probably three, but twoclear ways.
(18:57):
Number one is just by turning around andgetting curious and saying, what does cute mean
to you when you're telling me?
Please be specific.
And initially, when I tried that back in theday, I did not have the skills that I currently
have.
So, you know, I screw I I did that, and shesaid, well, you're very cute.
(19:21):
You're just a cute man.
Like, I like cute.
Great.
I that's nice.
I internally, it's that's nice for you.
It doesn't do anything for me, but I'm tryingto please.
And so that didn't have the effect that she washoping for, let's put it that way.
(19:46):
So now what I would do is I would go, so canyou be very specific on what works for you
around cute?
Well, I like the look at your face.
You're sort of ruggedly attractive to me.
You've got this look.
I like your great beard.
I love your eyes.
You know, the way that you look at me.
(20:08):
When you're into me, I know it.
And and they go, oh, okay.
And then I try and get a smoldering look or getplayful and and do something like that.
And and in a silly sort of way, but veryspecifically, I'm trying to figure out how do I
train myself to be the thing that she's thereand determine whether or not that's a fit for
(20:35):
me.
I'm try it's like close.
Okay.
I have a black t shirt on.
I I can go change it.
You know, these are all behaviors that I cantry on and see if they work for me or not and
see if they work for her or not.
And then I can go in and also ask, could youtry calling me handsome if you figured this
(21:01):
out?
And that's what I actually wound up doing witha girlfriend that I had afterwards.
And I said, with like, she went acute.
I don't know what it was, but it got ittriggered me.
And so I wasn't interested.
And I said, do you wanna not be interested, ordo you want to resolve this?
And I said, I wanna be I wanna resolve this.
So I knew I'd stumbled across handsome, and Iasked her do you find me handsome?
(21:27):
And it was oh yeah like it was a veryenthusiastic answer.
I got lucky because she didn't want to call mehandsome because she thought I'd have an ego
about that.
And I go, no.
I have never found myself that attractive towomen.
I have never found myself as a good lookingman.
(21:49):
And all of a sudden, I got feedback.
You're a very good looking man.
And it needed to go on for months, literally,and from multiple sources.
Also, I had another friend who happened to befemale.
And my girlfriend was talking with my friendwho also is a woman, and they were saying, you
(22:13):
know what?
It's really a shame Blair doesn't see himselfas an attractive man.
And this is during that phase where I wastrying to sort it through.
And she went, yeah.
And she suggested to my friend to have her tellme that I'm an I'm an attractive man.
(22:34):
And I had it from two sources, very differentsources.
And they weren't trying to butter me up,especially the lost one who's just a friend.
And I go, woah.
I gotta reevaluate myself.
And I needed to figure out what's my story Iwas telling myself.
(23:00):
I have this little boy cute story that I ran inmy head that it wasn't crystal clear, but it
was definitely something that I saw myself as,you know, a pre pubescent boy being cute.
No drive.
And I go, okay.
(23:21):
That's important because I'm a man now andthese women are not never saw me as that child.
Now they're seeing me as somebody who ismasculine, who is manly, who is, you know,
attractive, who looks good in their eyes.
(23:44):
And I feel I can become way more self confidentbecause self confidence is me self identifying
my own effective use of skills, attitudes, andbehaviors, and especially the behaviors.
And then I can align my behaviors with mypartner's desires.
(24:10):
And OMG.
Yeah.
I see.
I mean, I see, so I see the power of this,which is amazing.
I think where I still feel a little confused onyour methodology that I'd love you to speak a
little bit more is like, just like being morecurious of like, is there more of like a system
from a standpoint of like, oh, you're thinkingthis, okay, here are the set of questions that
(24:33):
people need to ask themselves, here's kind oflike, you know, more of them like that that,
like, understanding of the the methodology.
Like, are there are there a typical set ofquestions that really, like, that you would
recommend people ask themselves if like or, youknow, people ask their partner?
Sorry.
Go ahead.
I have come up with lists of questions Mhmm.
Over the years.
(24:54):
I have found that they are not as reliable as Iwould like
Mhmm.
Because everybody is so unique.
Mhmm.
And their whole story.
And when I came up with with questions to ask,some of those questions triggered one or both
parties into their past because I guaranteeyou, you know, 80% of the people out there have
(25:20):
some kind of trauma related to sexualencounters at some point.
And they, they, that can rise up very, veryquickly, completely triggered by questions.
And I go, okay, so how can you keep it so thatit's most flexible for individuals?
Well, what if we just gave them a processmodel?
(25:44):
Mhmm.
And saying, if you're curious and you ask, youstay away from why based questions and you
stick with what and how and keep your presentyour question as present as possible and
directly forward facing, Then all of a sudden,when I did that with my clients back in the
(26:07):
day, wow.
A forward facing what now?
And then I'd have them talk about what'sforward facing to you, practice asking some
questions.
And the biggest challenge that they had wasasking questions that actually were curious.
Mhmm.
Because there's three things that three waysthat you can ask a question.
(26:27):
You can ask a question to prove, you can ask aquestion to position, or you can ask a question
to build a process with.
Mhmm.
I call it the three p's of questioning.
And the process piece is the only one thatrequires curiosity at its root.
Mhmm.
And when you're curious, everything startsworking magically, practically.
(26:48):
And I hate that because I'm a behavioralscientist at heart, but I have no other way of
describing it because you put that curiosity inand stuff pops out of people's head that sounds
curious.
That does not sound, I'm right, you're wrong,and I'm trying to prove it.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That helps a lot.
Thank you for explaining that.
(27:10):
And I think, like, what I'm gathering that thenfrom, like, a take home for people is, like,
and I hear this from a lot of, you know,therapists I talk to, and, you know, educators
and doctors and clinicians of all type, one ofthe most common things I see is like start with
curiosity.
You know, that's like a fundamental, talking toso many different experts, a fundamental thing
(27:31):
I hear over and over again, and I think, youknow, this process of like, what I hear and
what you're saying is like, hey, the why's alittle bit dangerous because the why takes you
away from the present.
It takes you down this road of the past, whichis innately like like, we can change a
relationship to it, but we can't change it.
So what I hear is like really, you know, reallyfocusing on the what and the how questions when
(27:53):
you're communicating about cute versushandsome, about what you wanna do in bed or
whatever it else Yes.
Is really the fundamental, like, we could focusmore on those questions, the communication
effectiveness is gonna go through the roof.
Bingo.
Right?
Okay.
Absolutely.
Thank you, thank you for walking me throughthat.
I understand it so much, Bob.
My pleasure.
So then, what about one of the things that wetalked about offline is what is the question
(28:19):
everybody asks that ultimately destroysrelationships?
And I'm going to guess that it starts with why.
Am I correct?
So tell me about this question.
What is the question that everybody gets askedthat actually destroys relationships?
Destroys or restores?
Destroys was what we had talked about outthere.
About destroys, and that is it.
That's you're absolutely a 100% right becauseeverybody wants to figure everybody's been told
(28:45):
through pop psychology, through mindset stuff,through everything and, you know, Simon Sinek's
Ask Why.
If, like, there's one way to take that out ofour culture, it has wrecked so many things,
including I do business.
I do relationship coaching.
(29:07):
I do executive coaching.
And when executives take home, like, what isyour big why?
I've seen relationships freaking blow upbecause a senior executive takes home and tries
to use that on his partner, and I get called into try and resolve it.
(29:30):
And, I've been able to every single time so farwhen I'm called in quickly enough, number one.
Number two, I'm also able to restore it bygetting the person out of their story and into
what it is that they want and how they can moveforward.
(29:53):
So where we are now to where we want to gobecause we can't change your past.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
You go.
Well, because, you know, at the end of the day,we all have our past.
But the brain, the neuroscience of the brain,the more we practice on building strengths and
(30:15):
going towards what we want, the more naturalpruning the brain will do on all of that
negative stuff, making it smaller and smallerand smaller.
And the felt sense that it's a big deal goes toyou don't forget forget.
Well, sometimes you do, but usually it's soit's reduced to such a minor degree that it's,
(30:38):
ah, one of the things that you just rememberedthat happened in your life next.
And you have enough retention of thatinformation to not go there again, which is
great.
Survival is great, but, you know, getting intoa better life and building success.
That's huge.
And success in the bedroom, the success with apartner and the intimacy.
(30:59):
And being able to take that intimacy out of thebedroom and put it into your day to day life
just by giving the purse I described earlierhere just the look.
Well, when you're in the kitchen or you're outon a on a, business meeting and your partner's
across the room and you can give her or himthat look, your every all the energy changes
(31:26):
for you.
It's amazing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's interesting you even bringing in the,like, the corporate component of this is so
it's it's it's a point worth bringing up,because I feel like with any business coaching
or training that I've done, and I've done asubstantial amount of this over the years, one
(31:46):
of the common things that comes up is know yourwhy.
You know, like you mentioned Absolutely.
Why is one of the most common questions.
So it sounds like you in some ways would, youknow, say, though it's not about knowing your
why, it's about knowing your what.
Well, technically, it is your what but it'syour what paired with the how.
Because the list of what's, if you know yourwhat, that's so that's good.
(32:10):
Yep.
But if you can't build behaviors on that whatyou're screwed.
Pardon my language but yeah you're completelyscrewed.
Yeah.
Because Action.
You it requires behavior.
As I said, hopes, dreams, and desire desiresare nothing without behaviors.
Mhmm.
(32:32):
So then what about the question that youthought I asked which is, what is the question
everybody asks that actually repairsrelationships?
So is that the what and the how then, or isthere something else to add there?
You know what?
It is what's and how's, but you've gotta beable to ask the question with curiosity, with a
process in mind.
(32:53):
If you do if you're asking a static question ofwhat did you do, past tense, it's a disguised
why.
Yeah.
Okay.
That means you're going back to the past.
You're forcing that person into justifying whythey're they're doing their thing.
So it's not the words who, what, where, when,why, and how.
(33:14):
It's the concept, and that is four columns ofinformation in the six questions and that gives
you exactly how that person is processing it intheir brain.
Mhmm.
So that's literally you we talked briefly aboutprofiling, language based profiling.
That is the piece that I use mid for themajority pairing that with seventeen and a half
(33:38):
years of research on beliefs and recognizingthat beliefs cannot change, on an ongoing
basis, cannot turn into habits withoutbehaviors.
So let's just start with making behavior changefirst.
(34:01):
And in Simon Sinek's main thing, there he hasthis thing called the golden circle.
And when he goes in there and talks about why,he immediately gives a I and let me define why.
It mean what it means is this.
What it means is this, what it means is this.
(34:23):
He uses three what's immediately to define thewhy.
Don't that's just the disguised what and threewhys that are disguised once again.
He uses six whys.
The the word that he's trying to define is why,but he's doing it in terms of whats.
(34:44):
Yeah.
And it's messing up people and businesses likenobody's business and I've been called in to
fix companies that have gone through that andthey can't seem to figure it out and that's
where I have gone in and straightened them outand helped them get clarity so that they don't
have a knowing your big why and and some of thethings that I've I've heard you know if your if
(35:10):
your why isn't big enough that it makes youcry, it's not big enough.
And I go that's garbage.
Yeah.
That is so garbage.
So let's figure out your big what's.
You know, big hairy audacious goals Yeah.
Of what you want to achieve.
(35:31):
And what if you took your BHAG, big, hairy,audacious goal, and put that into your
relationship?
Yeah.
Oh my god.
And then had conversations about that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, so, so much there.
(35:51):
I really appreciate all of this, Blair.
I wanna make sure as our time is wrapping uphere, one, I just thank you so much coming on.
I think there's so much value in understandingthis, you know, and understanding that these
simple ways we frame questions can literallymake or break relationships.
They can make or break our sexuality with ourpartner, our emotional intimacy, our marriages,
(36:16):
our long term relationships, and more.
So I think it's so important.
And I know you have a free master class that Iwanna make sure everybody knows about, so
people, you can get this additional informationfor free from you.
And how do they find that?
Then we'll put it in the show notes as well,but if wanna tell us a little bit about that.
Absolutely.
Well, it's all about the three e's, which isthe mind models, the three mind models that I
(36:40):
used repeatedly, with virtually everybody inevery situation.
But the first mind model is effective versusineffective.
Not good, bad, right, or wrong because thattriggers the brain to go into a judgment.
Because as children, we were taught you're agood boy, you're a good girl.
You know, you're a bad boy, you're a bad girl.
(37:02):
Like, all of that good, bad, better, best, allthat competitive crap doesn't allow you to
evaluate your behavior because everything thatyou do is you.
Well, that's not true.
This t shirt is not me.
You may not like it.
I can go change it.
But it's not me.
(37:24):
I can change my behavior.
It's not me.
It's just the behavior and I can change it.
And all of a sudden when I introduce that intoeffective versus ineffective people go, well,
wow, what if I ask my partner, what might I domore effectively?
Or what am I doing that's ineffective?
(37:44):
And ask them to just name and label it.
Not go into a story.
Just tell me what it is and then let me explorehow I can adjust that behavior.
Great.
Okay.
So is that now when you explore it, is that nowexternally verifiable?
Which is the second of the three e's.
(38:06):
Externally versus internally verifiable.
Because if it's internally verifiable, you'regonna just take that in and go, yeah.
It's me.
I'm a piece of crap here.
It doesn't work well.
You know?
Yada yada.
And you just beat the crap out of yourself.
Or you hold it as, hey.
This is externally verifiable.
This is a behavior I can actually change.
(38:27):
And I can actually test something to see if mypartner likes what I'm doing and get feedback
on is that better or worse.
And sure enough, you'll drop the stuff that'snot working for them and do what is working for
them.
And that just makes you a better lover.
(38:47):
Okay?
And then finally is evaluation versus judgment.
All the crap that we do about selfrecrimination and judging how I'm not a very
good lover and my my partner doesn't think I'ma very good lover and yada yada yada.
Okay.
Well, wanna change that forever?
Literally.
Forever.
(39:08):
Start evaluating and look at it as anincremental improvement.
And if you made an one small improvement everyday, a year later, you've made 352
improvements.
Hello.
You're gonna be great at whatever it is thatyou need to do.
(39:30):
So there's a hour and twenty minute masterclassin there as well.
Amazing.
Yeah.
So that's all in the free gift.
Awesome.
I love that so much.
And so everybody, we're gonna have that link tothe masterclass on these three e's.
So much more, how to get a hold of, how to workwith Blair, all in the show notes, so just look
(39:51):
for that there.
And that makes it a wrap for today, so thankyou everybody for being here.
Thank you so much Blair for all of this wisdomand knowledge.
It's deeply appreciated, and I will see you allvery soon on another episode of the Lounge.
Ciao for now.
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
(40:12):
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
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