February 19, 2025 • 29 mins
Are you normal? When it comes to sex, intimacy, and orgasms, so many people wonder if what they're experiencing is typical. In this episode, we break down the numbers—real statistics about orgasms, libido, erectile function, and what’s actually happening in bedrooms everywhere.
Dr. Diane Mueller is here to normalize the conversation around sex. So many people struggle with some level of sexual dysfunction, yet almost no one talks about it—not with friends, not with partners, and certainly not at dinner parties. But here's the truth: you're not alone.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
You're not alone.
You are so far from being alone.
And the more we normalize this, the more werealize we can talk about sex in a way that's
still professional, that's still classy, that'sstill, wonderfully orchestrated.
And it's just we're talking about it in a waythat's just like anything else in health that's
(00:21):
out of balance.
There's still, like, a lot of slut shaminggoing around where men can have all of these
partners and women, if they do it is lookedupon like they're bad or dirty or trash rather
(00:45):
than, hey, just like men, these are, you know,humans that also are really enjoying pleasure
and their own sexuality.
The most common reported orgasm.
Last now about forty percent of women show thatthey have or report having a longer orgasm
which is more like I see some people reportinglike internal surveys they're doing from their
(01:07):
audience saying the skew is fifteen percent ofwomen can have orgasms from intercourse only.
Some studies are saying seventy percent ofpeople can have women can have orgasms from
intercourse only.
Regardless, even if the seventy percent istrue, that still leaves almost a third of women
that are not able to orgasm from intercoursealone.
(01:28):
And that's for many different reasons.
Some of the reasons I think is because simplething around my Hey, everybody.
This episode of The Lounge, we're talking aboutsexual stats, facts, and this is such an
important episode because I like bringing someof these stats and facts to you because when we
(01:49):
do, it normalizes things.
Right?
It normalizes the discussion that we're having.
And one of the things one of the reasons I'mdoing this podcast, one of the reasons for my
libido work is really to bring theseconversations to the light, to help make these
conversations around sex be professional,classy, less taboo because so many people have
(02:13):
a level of sexual dysfunction in their ownlife, in their intimate life.
And, one, many couples are not even talking toeach other about it.
Some oh, so many times when something starts,like, not working or not feeling well, then
there's just this, like, brush it under therug, and we don't talk about it, and we just
don't have sex anymore thing that happens.
And people are generally not talking to theirfriends about this.
(02:35):
It's, like, not a classic dinner partyconversation.
I mean, it might be in, like, my friend group,but in most friends groups, it's not a classic
dinner party conversation to say, hey.
We're having a hard time with our sex liferight now.
So what does that lead?
It's like, if you think about so many otherthings in medicine, like, it was very common
for friends to get together and say, oh, I'mhaving back pain.
(02:56):
And another friend is like, oh, yeah.
I'm having, like, neck pain or I'm having hippain.
And you can see some level of, like, compassionand validation and feel like you're not alone
in the world.
And with sex and any sort of sexual dysfunctionor sexual abnormalities or just challenges,
whatever you wanna call it, it's not like weare getting that validation even though it is
(03:21):
such a common problem.
So I'm gonna break down some of these stats foryou.
But one of the takeaways I hope you get fromtoday's episode is you're not alone.
You are so far from being alone.
And the more we normalize this, the more werealize we can talk about sex in a way that's
still professional, that's still classy, that'sstill, wonderfully orchestrated, and it's just
(03:45):
we're talking about it in a way that's justlike anything else in health that's out of
balance.
The more we can get there, the more we cannormalize this conversation, make it less
taboo, and the more we can have theserelationships that are really helping us to
have sex for the rest of our lives.
Like, most people typically do have an interestin having sex for the rest of their lives at
(04:09):
some point.
Now what will wind up happening in so manypeople is they get to a point and they're
bored, it hurts, it doesn't work, it's a sourceof tension, and they just say, whatever.
I don't even need it.
When we look at studies on all that it does forrelationships, on all that it heals, on all
that it does for keeping couples bonded, forhelping make that relationship strong, for
(04:32):
helping with anything from things like anxiety,depression, sleep, mental stability, energy,
and so much more, we can see even bone growth.
Right?
There's even a a level of sex and oxytocinhelping with bone growth.
There's so many different things.
So we see all that.
It's so easy to see why this is such animportant part of health.
(04:54):
We have sex.
We have our pleasure receptors for a reason.
These are God given receptors that we have fora reason.
So let's go through.
So I have my notes here.
I have all the things that I wanna say to youabout these stats.
So let's just talk about ejaculation to startcommon question too is, like, well, how far
(05:23):
does it go?
Well, there's not a really good reliable sourcethat I can find on, like, the average distance,
but one thing that can happen is the the thelook of the force and how how far it looks like
it's going can be related to how much semen isactually coming out.
Right?
So if there's more, it might look like it hasmore of a movement than if there's less sort of
(05:46):
thing.
Orgasm.
So women's orgasms, the most common reportedorgasm lasts it's called a short orgasm.
It lasts for about three to fifteen seconds.
Very, very, very short.
Now women now about forty percent of women showthat they have or report having a longer
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orgasm, which is more like thirty to sixtyseconds.
So one of the things that can happen is, like,in so many times as women, we're not taught
things, and men are not taught this either, of,like, how to make that orgasm deeper and go
longer.
So the more we can kinda ride that edge, like,edging and that concept of edging of getting
close to orgasm and pulling back and close toorgasm and pulling back, that's talked a lot
(06:31):
about for men's health.
But I think because women have can have thecapacity of having multiple orgasms, and a
woman a woman can orgasm and still have sexwith a man and he can still be get like like,
her parts are still working.
Right?
I think there's less emphasis for women on thisconcept of edging.
Now one of the things that we can see is when,as women, when you get close to climax and you
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pull back and close to climax and just beforeyou're about to get to that point of no return,
if you pull back, that can actually help with abetter and longer and more sustained orgasm.
So this practice can be done, like, by solowith your solo masturbation practice, and it
can also be done with communicating to apartner.
(07:17):
So the biggest thing, and I talk in othervideos about that we see with orgasm.
One of the biggest important things is forwomen is getting to that thing that's working.
So you can try all these different things,positions, techniques, all these different
things.
And then when you find something that's reallyworking and you're like that arousal's going
up, you wanna stay consistent with that onething.
(07:39):
Right?
You wanna stay with that technique if whenbecause that if, typically, if you switch that
technique right as as orgasm's about to occur,all of a sudden that'll reset her nerves, and
you might have to kinda start with building upthat arousal again.
But if you're following me here, this isactually a really good edging technique for
(08:00):
women.
So what you can do is if you're feeling like,oh, your orgasms are shorter and you want
longer sustained orgasms, one practice you cando is getting yourself closer and closer to
climax and keep with that same technique that'sthat's kinda getting you aroused.
And right before you kinda get to that point ofno return, you know, tap your partner, give
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them a wink, whatever the sign is, that all ofa sudden they switch to a different different
technique right then.
And if they switch to a different technique,typically, that will lower that that, like,
kind of arousal threshold, and you'll have tobuild it up again.
But if you do that several times before youallow yourself over the edge, then typically
that that orgasm is gonna be much longer andmuch more sustained.
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And the longer and more sustained it is,typically, like, the more pleasure women feel
typically is related to more and more and moreof their desire to come back and have sex
again.
Right?
So that desire, that kind of that pleasureawakens all the dopamine receptors in the brain
that say, that was really good.
I kinda want more of that.
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It's kinda like, you know, how anybody thattries not to eat sugar and and hopefully
succeeds?
And and one of the things that I that canhappen for a lot of people with sugar is, like,
you're really good at, like, saying no to it,and then all of a sudden you have one bite of
everything of or of something with sugar.
And it's like, oh, that turns the receptors onin the brain that's like, I want more of that.
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And then all of a sudden it's like, well, maybeI can get away with another bite or maybe I can
get away with another bite and soon sooner thanlater all of a sudden sugars crept back in.
That's in part because that's wakening up thatdopamine pathway of your brain that says, this
is good.
I want more.
You know, sex is no different except it's verydifferent because it's actually good for us.
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But the from the standpoint of the dopamine,that's what's happening is when you're having
that longer pleasure, that's triggering thebrain to say, I want more of that.
So those longer sustained orgasms can reallyhelp you get that desire.
That desire map is is kinda turned back on.
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So a female ejaculation.
So this comes up sometimes online.
It's like, how do I ejaculate?
How do I ejaculate?
How do I ejaculate as a as a woman?
In general, my feeling about female ejaculationis sometimes I think there's so much emphasis
on this that it almost kinda takes away fromthe other pleasure of the moment.
But it's estimated that maybe up to seventypercent of women actually ejaculate, but many
(10:34):
of them, the ejaculate goes backwards intotheir bladder.
So this is an important thing because so manypeople, so many women and couples I find are
like, okay.
Well, let's figure out how to do this.
This seems really sexy and cool.
But for some women, you're never gonna see itbecause there's a tendency of that ejaculate to
actually get sucked back up with those vaginalcontractions, and the the ejaculate can
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actually get sucked back up and end up in thebladder, so it's not gonna come out the vaginal
opening.
So that's really important to understand.
Prostate massage.
So prostate massage can help with so manydifferent things.
It can help with BPH, and it can help even withprostatitis, other forms of prostatitis, and
(11:17):
even potentially with erectile dysfunction.
So it is more common than not that men do enjoyprostate massage, but with prostate massage,
there's a lot of different things to consider.
Right?
You want to consider high amounts of lube.
I think silicone based lubes work really,really well for this sort of thing.
(11:37):
I will put a link to my favorite silicone basedlubes in this particular in the show notes here
for you.
But the prostate massage, you really wantsilicone lube.
You wanna make sure there's a ton of lube.
You wanna start typically with massaging theouter rim of the anal sphincter.
The sphincter is a round muscle, so it kindacontracts really tightly and opens.
(12:00):
So sometimes if you massage very lightly aroundit, that will help with just kinda relaxing it.
And then you wanna typically put just a littlebit of pressure on that anal sphincter before
you insert a finger inside.
Oftentimes starting with just the baby baby's,pinky and going real slow.
And so that can be how you start embracing andbringing in things like prostate massage.
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Now once you're interested in this and, like,once you have figured this out, there are a ton
of sex toys for this.
There's anal beads.
There's all different things you can use insidethis area for pleasure, but also for health.
Like, that's what I'm.
Some vibrators are even FDA approved as sexualmassagers because of what they can do for
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prostate health.
So we really wanna consider this as a helpfulhelpful, tool, not only for bringing additional
sensation, but also for for health as well.
Sexual partners.
So men have two to four times more sexualpartners than women in their lifetime.
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Also, interestingly and maybe not surprisinglyis that survey show that men are more cautious
and have a bigger, say, distaste if women havehad a high amount of sexual partners.
So men tend to be less tolerant for womenhaving a high amount of not of sexual partners
than the opposite.
So to me, that's like, while that's notsurprising, it still shows a level of double
(13:31):
standard, I think.
I think there's still, like, a lot of slutshaming going around where men can have all of
these partners, and women, if they do it, islooked upon like they're bad or dirty or trash
rather than, hey.
Just like men, these are, you know, humans thatalso are really enjoying pleasure and their own
sexuality.
So I think surveys like that are still showingthat, hey.
(13:52):
We still have some more work to do to reallyequal the the playing field here and really
just say, you know, the most important thingsabout sex are, like, you know, is it
consensual?
Is it safe?
Is it respectful?
And, you know, and and if all those things arein place, then this is just a a beautiful part
of human expression that we should be empoweredas humans to make our own choices about,
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provided that it's consensual, that it'srespectful, that it's safe, that it's all of
these other, you know, qualifications.
So intercourse after orgasm for women.
So or intercourse I'm sorry.
Orgasms only from intercourse for women.
So it's really hard, you guys, for me to get agood stat on this.
Like, I see I see some people reporting, like,internal surveys they're doing from their
(14:40):
audience saying as few as fifteen percent ofwomen can have orgasms from intercourse only.
Some studies are saying seventy percent ofpeople can have women can have orgasms from
intercourse only.
Regardless, even if the seventy percent istrue, that still leads almost a third of women
that are not able to orgasm from intercoursealone.
(15:02):
And that's for many different reasons.
Some of the reasons I think is because a simplething around, like, that fastness.
Right?
So many times, I think sex happens way too fastfor women where there is this huge movement of
thrusting and quickness, and it's like, whambam, thank you, ma'am, kinda thing.
And it's lasting for two, three, four, five,six minutes, and then it's over.
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And I'm not saying that intercourse has to lastlonger than that.
I think there's a lot of techniques we can dothat can help, and I think it's wonderful when
it it lasts longer than that.
But I think pleasure can happen even if forwhatever reason that intercourse has to be that
short.
But the problem is, I think so many times,there's not that foreplay.
There's not that touch.
(15:48):
There's not all of those other parts that arenon penetrative that are also included.
And, you know, a question I've been askingpeople lately is, if I say if I say sex if I
say sex to you, what is the first word or thingthat comes to mind?
Right?
Is it pleasure?
Is it excitement?
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Is it I want that?
Is it a visual of your lover?
Is it a visual of a past lover?
Or is it meh?
Is it shame?
Is it pain?
Is it noninterest?
And I think so many times, part of the problemwe can get into with sex is that it's so easy
(16:30):
to just dismiss this as something beneficialfor us and something that is beneficial for the
relationship and wonderful because it's easiersometimes to do that when than look at it when
it's like, well, how do I fix that problem?
And I think one of the things that can happenis also with with orgasm through intercourse is
if somebody has a feeling around sex that ismeh, kinda like that, like, whatever.
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I don't really care that much.
There is probably less of the ability toactually sink in to the present moment of sex
because you don't care that much.
I say often that the act of pleasure and thecapacity for pleasure is directly related to
the capacity to be present.
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So some of what can happen with intercourse iswe can have our minds all over the place.
We can be thinking about the job, the work, thedishes, what we're gonna do before or what we
did before sex, what we did after.
And it's not uncommon that these things canhappen.
But think about this.
It's not uncommon that those things happen therest of your life.
You're driving and you're like, how the heckdid I get here?
(17:38):
Right?
Your mind is off in la la land thinking aboutall these things while your body is driving.
You know?
You're running or working out and the mindwanders.
You could be in conversation and your mindwanders.
Right?
You'd be reading a book and it's like, wait.
I didn't read that last page.
I gotta go back because my mind wandered.
So this is a constant act in our rest of ourlives to keep the mind super present on the
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moment.
So it shouldn't be a surprise really then thatthe mind can wander during sex, but the ability
to experience orgasm through, intercourse orotherwise is really related to that desire to
be that that ability to be present.
Right?
You know, especially to, like, body image wise.
If we're thinking about fat roles and we'rethinking about how does our body look in this
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position, etcetera, we're not probably thinkingabout our pleasure.
Right?
So the more we can be present in the moment,the more we can experience pleasure.
I also think there's a lot of there's juststill a lot to be learned as far as really
understanding the of the female anatomy.
Like, it's still, in many ways, I feel like thebiggest mystery.
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Like, I feel like in my medical school program,it was probably if I look at, you know, body
part by body part by body part, it probablywas, like, the body parts that had the least
amount of 10 attention on from a function and apurpose and a location perspective even.
Right?
There was way more emphasis on more of thingsabout the male sexual process than the female.
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So I think that's a huge, huge, huge part forall of this.
And one of the biggest things is, like, yes,while I do think that we can teach anybody to
orgasm in different ways, there also needs inorder to do that, there also needs to be a lot
of, you know, thinking about, like, well, wehave the most abundance of nerve endings in our
clitoris.
Right?
We have the most abundance of nervings nerveendings there.
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And so much time, there's, like, so little timereally given to the clitoris, which is not just
that little nub.
Right?
The clitoris has a has a much broader, much,you know, bigger structures than just that,
which I do go into in some of my YouTubevideos, and I do go into in some of my course
content.
If anybody wants to sign up for my libido club,we go a lot more into structure and technique
(19:57):
and, conversation, how to have conversationswith your partner, and all of those types of
things.
So definitely check out my libido club and andjoin that if you can.
So let's keep going.
So no orgasms, women that have had no orgasms.
It's estimated that ten to thirty percent,again, depending upon the survey, of women have
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never experienced an orgasm at all.
So I think this is a really importantstatistic.
I think it's important because, one, I think itnormalizes this.
I think this is something that provides a lotof shame and I think bidirectional shame and a
lot of pressure.
You know?
I I've seen situations where the the man,because he wants to provide this and know that
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he can provide immense pleasure for his womanso that if the woman's not orgasming, then that
can actually, like, be, like, an assault onlike, feel like an assault on the man.
Well, that puts all of this pressure on thewoman.
Right?
And so and and it doesn't feel goodbidirectionally, but it also puts all this
pressure on the woman to orgasm.
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And that is a single like, the like, the one ofthe biggest things that's gonna make a woman
not orgasm is pressure, is stress, is all ofthat.
Because then all she's thinking about, am Igonna come?
Is it gonna work?
Am I gonna come?
Is it gonna work?
Guess who's not feeling their own pleasure?
Guess who's off in la la la and not beingpresent to the moment because of the worry, the
stress, the pressure?
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Just doesn't work.
So what do we do from there?
Right?
So what do we do?
Well, one, we certainly do not wanna fake it.
So another stat is that up to fifty percent ofwomen have faked orgasms in their life.
It's a huge stat, and there's a lot of reasons,I think, for why women fake orgasm.
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One is what we're talking about here is thispressure that happens.
If she's not orgasming, then there's thispressure that gets put on her oftentimes by
feeling like, oh, this is gonna hurt my partnerif I don't orgasm, so she fakes it.
And the problem there is while that mightalleviate, you know, it might be palliative
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short term for that initial ego.
But over time, what winds up happening is she'sdoing these things over and over again, and
they're not working.
It's not pleasing her.
And in time, then it feels more obligatory, andit feels like an extra thing she has to do.
And what tends to happen in time with thisscenario is she becomes less and less
interested in sex because it's not pleasurablefor her, and it just feels like another job.
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And when she's busy with all the things in herlife and it just feels like another job, that's
when it can just be like, okay.
Well, if I'm gonna do this, I might as welljust fake it, get it over with.
But then she becomes oftentimes less interestedin even doing that over time because of just
the obligatory nature of it.
Another what, reason that she sometimes doesit, that women sometimes fake, is because they
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are just not feeling great about the positionor it hurts or they're tired or they just want
it to be over.
And in healthy communication around sex, oncethis is established, then there's much more of,
like, attunement to, like, hey.
If this is not working, let's find somethingthat actually is working for you, that's
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allowing you to feel pleasure.
Or if you're too tired for this, let's tablethis till tomorrow and the next day where we
can do this and have more energy.
But that level of safety and communication hasnot been established in so many partnerships,
So sometimes that faking comes just because shewants to end it.
And fifty percent up to fifty percent of womenfake orgasms.
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So I don't you know, I we wanna be carefulabout that because I don't wanna give anybody
a, you don't make anybody worry about this.
It's certainly not the intention here.
But it is important to bring awareness that alot of this is happening just because that
pleasure is really not happening for her.
And it doesn't mean you're not, you know, itdoesn't mean she's not capable of receiving
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pleasure.
It doesn't mean that I give you're listeningand you're wondering like, oh, gosh.
Is this me?
Even if it is, it doesn't mean that you're not,you know, that you're not capable of giving her
the best pleasure of her life.
Right?
But what it means is, like, in order to havethat be best pleasure of her life, you gotta
talk to her.
You guys gotta talk about it.
We gotta get the ego out of the way.
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And, you know, I think the other place thatthis comes up, and this is an important stat
stat as well, is that from an erectiledysfunction standpoint, up to about fifty,
fifty two percent of men experience erectiledysfunction.
Now that is age dependent, and at younger ageas those percentages go down, that is study
dependent.
Some studies show much higher.
In fact, some sexologists really believe thatevery man will experience sexual dysfunction at
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some point in their life.
I don't know that I I completely believe thatbecause what I've seen in medicine is nothing
is ever always and, you know, always and never,I just don't think exists in the world of
medicine.
But the point is the take home point is this isa common thing, and it's another thing where I
(25:02):
think men get so embarrassed about it.
And a great way of working with this is, yes,you wanna get to the root.
Make sure you go to take my libido quiz, whichis designed to help you identify the top root
cause of low libido because oftentimes, yes, itis blood flow, but it can be so many other
things.
And you wanna figure out what the root and rootcauses are.
(25:23):
So that's libidoquiz.com.
That quiz is designed to really help youidentify, like I said, those top root causes
driving any sort of low libido or sexualdysfunction issue for women or men.
So please do take that quiz.
Please do look at that quiz and take that.
That can really help you.
Again, I'll put that link.
(25:44):
But one of the biggest things is talking aboutthis, and it can feel embarrassing.
But the biggest thing to know is this is sounbelievably common.
This is so unbelievably common.
And the more we may look at this as just like,it's just another health imbalance.
It doesn't say anything about who anybody is asa person, about their who they are, about who
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they are as a sexual being, about their abilityto deliver massive pleasure.
But the more I find that people are able totalk about this and say, okay.
This is happening.
Yes.
Let's figure this out.
And while we're doing that remember, I loveboth ands.
That's something you'll hear me say, both ands.
So, yes, let's figure out the root.
And while we're doing it, let's figure out inthe meantime other things that we can do
(26:29):
intimately together to stay connected and stayclose.
And there's mega potential during scenarios oforgasms not working, of erectile dysfunction,
you know, happening, where we can actually usethis as opportunities to say, let's reset.
Let's talk about this.
Like, we gotta talk about this.
Let's explore each other's bodies.
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Let's find other things that work.
Let's find other ways of intimately connecting.
Right?
That can be through oral.
That can be through finger.
That can be through central massage.
That can be through playing with nipples andexploring each other's fetishes.
There there can be so many different ways ofreally exciting a partner that doesn't have to
involve involve penile contact.
(27:11):
Right?
And so it's a both and.
I'm not saying don't work look at those things.
In fact, I encourage you if the if you're nothaving orgasms or you're experiencing erectile
dysfunction to to work on these things.
Right?
And some of these things are health issues, andwe wanna figure out why they're going on.
But the the the both and approach allows us todo that and also to set, how can we actually
(27:34):
use this time to, like, find something novel todo intimately with each other?
How can we use this time to explore and say,okay.
We can't do this right now.
It's not working.
Instead of getting frustrated about it, let'ssee what other ways we can turn each other on.
And we can use this as an opportunity to expandour repertoire of what we're doing in our
(27:54):
intimate moments together.
And so I think these these things that aregoing on can be actually real opportunities to
go deeper.
So I would love to hear in comments from youguys if you've know of any other stats or
there's any other curiosities you have from astat fact standpoint around human sexuality,
around intimacy, relationships, and more.
(28:15):
So please do leave me comments on this.
Please do check out my quiz.
Like I said, that quiz is designed to help youget to the root cause.
And finally, please do check out my libidoclub.
My libido club is where you can interactdirectly with me, where there's longer content,
where there's more tips, tricks, and techniquesin there for you, and we go through all of that
(28:36):
and so much more.
So thank you for joining the club as well.
I will see you in another episode.
This has been another great episode of thelounge.
Thank you for being here with me and wishingyou guys the best pleasure in your day to day
lives.
Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
(28:57):
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
You're not alone.
You are so far from being alone.
And the more we normalize this, the more werealize we can talk about sex in a way that's
still professional, that's still classy, that'sstill, wonderfully orchestrated.
And it's just we're talking about it in a waythat's just like anything else in health that's
(00:21):
out of balance.
There's still, like, a lot of slut shaminggoing around where men can have all of these
partners and women, if they do it is lookedupon like they're bad or dirty or trash rather
(00:45):
than, hey, just like men, these are, you know,humans that also are really enjoying pleasure
and their own sexuality.
The most common reported orgasm.
Last now about forty percent of women show thatthey have or report having a longer orgasm
which is more like I see some people reportinglike internal surveys they're doing from their
(01:07):
audience saying the skew is fifteen percent ofwomen can have orgasms from intercourse only.
Some studies are saying seventy percent ofpeople can have women can have orgasms from
intercourse only.
Regardless, even if the seventy percent istrue, that still leaves almost a third of women
that are not able to orgasm from intercoursealone.
(01:28):
And that's for many different reasons.
Some of the reasons I think is because simplething around my Hey, everybody.
This episode of The Lounge, we're talking aboutsexual stats, facts, and this is such an
important episode because I like bringing someof these stats and facts to you because when we
(01:49):
do, it normalizes things.
Right?
It normalizes the discussion that we're having.
And one of the things one of the reasons I'mdoing this podcast, one of the reasons for my
libido work is really to bring theseconversations to the light, to help make these
conversations around sex be professional,classy, less taboo because so many people have
(02:13):
a level of sexual dysfunction in their ownlife, in their intimate life.
And, one, many couples are not even talking toeach other about it.
Some oh, so many times when something starts,like, not working or not feeling well, then
there's just this, like, brush it under therug, and we don't talk about it, and we just
don't have sex anymore thing that happens.
And people are generally not talking to theirfriends about this.
(02:35):
It's, like, not a classic dinner partyconversation.
I mean, it might be in, like, my friend group,but in most friends groups, it's not a classic
dinner party conversation to say, hey.
We're having a hard time with our sex liferight now.
So what does that lead?
It's like, if you think about so many otherthings in medicine, like, it was very common
for friends to get together and say, oh, I'mhaving back pain.
(02:56):
And another friend is like, oh, yeah.
I'm having, like, neck pain or I'm having hippain.
And you can see some level of, like, compassionand validation and feel like you're not alone
in the world.
And with sex and any sort of sexual dysfunctionor sexual abnormalities or just challenges,
whatever you wanna call it, it's not like weare getting that validation even though it is
(03:21):
such a common problem.
So I'm gonna break down some of these stats foryou.
But one of the takeaways I hope you get fromtoday's episode is you're not alone.
You are so far from being alone.
And the more we normalize this, the more werealize we can talk about sex in a way that's
still professional, that's still classy, that'sstill, wonderfully orchestrated, and it's just
(03:45):
we're talking about it in a way that's justlike anything else in health that's out of
balance.
The more we can get there, the more we cannormalize this conversation, make it less
taboo, and the more we can have theserelationships that are really helping us to
have sex for the rest of our lives.
Like, most people typically do have an interestin having sex for the rest of their lives at
(04:09):
some point.
Now what will wind up happening in so manypeople is they get to a point and they're
bored, it hurts, it doesn't work, it's a sourceof tension, and they just say, whatever.
I don't even need it.
When we look at studies on all that it does forrelationships, on all that it heals, on all
that it does for keeping couples bonded, forhelping make that relationship strong, for
(04:32):
helping with anything from things like anxiety,depression, sleep, mental stability, energy,
and so much more, we can see even bone growth.
Right?
There's even a a level of sex and oxytocinhelping with bone growth.
There's so many different things.
So we see all that.
It's so easy to see why this is such animportant part of health.
(04:54):
We have sex.
We have our pleasure receptors for a reason.
These are God given receptors that we have fora reason.
So let's go through.
So I have my notes here.
I have all the things that I wanna say to youabout these stats.
So let's just talk about ejaculation to startcommon question too is, like, well, how far
(05:23):
does it go?
Well, there's not a really good reliable sourcethat I can find on, like, the average distance,
but one thing that can happen is the the thelook of the force and how how far it looks like
it's going can be related to how much semen isactually coming out.
Right?
So if there's more, it might look like it hasmore of a movement than if there's less sort of
(05:46):
thing.
Orgasm.
So women's orgasms, the most common reportedorgasm lasts it's called a short orgasm.
It lasts for about three to fifteen seconds.
Very, very, very short.
Now women now about forty percent of women showthat they have or report having a longer
(06:07):
orgasm, which is more like thirty to sixtyseconds.
So one of the things that can happen is, like,in so many times as women, we're not taught
things, and men are not taught this either, of,like, how to make that orgasm deeper and go
longer.
So the more we can kinda ride that edge, like,edging and that concept of edging of getting
close to orgasm and pulling back and close toorgasm and pulling back, that's talked a lot
(06:31):
about for men's health.
But I think because women have can have thecapacity of having multiple orgasms, and a
woman a woman can orgasm and still have sexwith a man and he can still be get like like,
her parts are still working.
Right?
I think there's less emphasis for women on thisconcept of edging.
Now one of the things that we can see is when,as women, when you get close to climax and you
(06:57):
pull back and close to climax and just beforeyou're about to get to that point of no return,
if you pull back, that can actually help with abetter and longer and more sustained orgasm.
So this practice can be done, like, by solowith your solo masturbation practice, and it
can also be done with communicating to apartner.
(07:17):
So the biggest thing, and I talk in othervideos about that we see with orgasm.
One of the biggest important things is forwomen is getting to that thing that's working.
So you can try all these different things,positions, techniques, all these different
things.
And then when you find something that's reallyworking and you're like that arousal's going
up, you wanna stay consistent with that onething.
(07:39):
Right?
You wanna stay with that technique if whenbecause that if, typically, if you switch that
technique right as as orgasm's about to occur,all of a sudden that'll reset her nerves, and
you might have to kinda start with building upthat arousal again.
But if you're following me here, this isactually a really good edging technique for
(08:00):
women.
So what you can do is if you're feeling like,oh, your orgasms are shorter and you want
longer sustained orgasms, one practice you cando is getting yourself closer and closer to
climax and keep with that same technique that'sthat's kinda getting you aroused.
And right before you kinda get to that point ofno return, you know, tap your partner, give
(08:22):
them a wink, whatever the sign is, that all ofa sudden they switch to a different different
technique right then.
And if they switch to a different technique,typically, that will lower that that, like,
kind of arousal threshold, and you'll have tobuild it up again.
But if you do that several times before youallow yourself over the edge, then typically
that that orgasm is gonna be much longer andmuch more sustained.
(08:45):
And the longer and more sustained it is,typically, like, the more pleasure women feel
typically is related to more and more and moreof their desire to come back and have sex
again.
Right?
So that desire, that kind of that pleasureawakens all the dopamine receptors in the brain
that say, that was really good.
I kinda want more of that.
(09:06):
It's kinda like, you know, how anybody thattries not to eat sugar and and hopefully
succeeds?
And and one of the things that I that canhappen for a lot of people with sugar is, like,
you're really good at, like, saying no to it,and then all of a sudden you have one bite of
everything of or of something with sugar.
And it's like, oh, that turns the receptors onin the brain that's like, I want more of that.
(09:26):
And then all of a sudden it's like, well, maybeI can get away with another bite or maybe I can
get away with another bite and soon sooner thanlater all of a sudden sugars crept back in.
That's in part because that's wakening up thatdopamine pathway of your brain that says, this
is good.
I want more.
You know, sex is no different except it's verydifferent because it's actually good for us.
(09:46):
But the from the standpoint of the dopamine,that's what's happening is when you're having
that longer pleasure, that's triggering thebrain to say, I want more of that.
So those longer sustained orgasms can reallyhelp you get that desire.
That desire map is is kinda turned back on.
(10:09):
So a female ejaculation.
So this comes up sometimes online.
It's like, how do I ejaculate?
How do I ejaculate?
How do I ejaculate as a as a woman?
In general, my feeling about female ejaculationis sometimes I think there's so much emphasis
on this that it almost kinda takes away fromthe other pleasure of the moment.
But it's estimated that maybe up to seventypercent of women actually ejaculate, but many
(10:34):
of them, the ejaculate goes backwards intotheir bladder.
So this is an important thing because so manypeople, so many women and couples I find are
like, okay.
Well, let's figure out how to do this.
This seems really sexy and cool.
But for some women, you're never gonna see itbecause there's a tendency of that ejaculate to
actually get sucked back up with those vaginalcontractions, and the the ejaculate can
(10:56):
actually get sucked back up and end up in thebladder, so it's not gonna come out the vaginal
opening.
So that's really important to understand.
Prostate massage.
So prostate massage can help with so manydifferent things.
It can help with BPH, and it can help even withprostatitis, other forms of prostatitis, and
(11:17):
even potentially with erectile dysfunction.
So it is more common than not that men do enjoyprostate massage, but with prostate massage,
there's a lot of different things to consider.
Right?
You want to consider high amounts of lube.
I think silicone based lubes work really,really well for this sort of thing.
(11:37):
I will put a link to my favorite silicone basedlubes in this particular in the show notes here
for you.
But the prostate massage, you really wantsilicone lube.
You wanna make sure there's a ton of lube.
You wanna start typically with massaging theouter rim of the anal sphincter.
The sphincter is a round muscle, so it kindacontracts really tightly and opens.
(12:00):
So sometimes if you massage very lightly aroundit, that will help with just kinda relaxing it.
And then you wanna typically put just a littlebit of pressure on that anal sphincter before
you insert a finger inside.
Oftentimes starting with just the baby baby's,pinky and going real slow.
And so that can be how you start embracing andbringing in things like prostate massage.
(12:25):
Now once you're interested in this and, like,once you have figured this out, there are a ton
of sex toys for this.
There's anal beads.
There's all different things you can use insidethis area for pleasure, but also for health.
Like, that's what I'm.
Some vibrators are even FDA approved as sexualmassagers because of what they can do for
(12:46):
prostate health.
So we really wanna consider this as a helpfulhelpful, tool, not only for bringing additional
sensation, but also for for health as well.
Sexual partners.
So men have two to four times more sexualpartners than women in their lifetime.
(13:07):
Also, interestingly and maybe not surprisinglyis that survey show that men are more cautious
and have a bigger, say, distaste if women havehad a high amount of sexual partners.
So men tend to be less tolerant for womenhaving a high amount of not of sexual partners
than the opposite.
So to me, that's like, while that's notsurprising, it still shows a level of double
(13:31):
standard, I think.
I think there's still, like, a lot of slutshaming going around where men can have all of
these partners, and women, if they do it, islooked upon like they're bad or dirty or trash
rather than, hey.
Just like men, these are, you know, humans thatalso are really enjoying pleasure and their own
sexuality.
So I think surveys like that are still showingthat, hey.
(13:52):
We still have some more work to do to reallyequal the the playing field here and really
just say, you know, the most important thingsabout sex are, like, you know, is it
consensual?
Is it safe?
Is it respectful?
And, you know, and and if all those things arein place, then this is just a a beautiful part
of human expression that we should be empoweredas humans to make our own choices about,
(14:16):
provided that it's consensual, that it'srespectful, that it's safe, that it's all of
these other, you know, qualifications.
So intercourse after orgasm for women.
So or intercourse I'm sorry.
Orgasms only from intercourse for women.
So it's really hard, you guys, for me to get agood stat on this.
Like, I see I see some people reporting, like,internal surveys they're doing from their
(14:40):
audience saying as few as fifteen percent ofwomen can have orgasms from intercourse only.
Some studies are saying seventy percent ofpeople can have women can have orgasms from
intercourse only.
Regardless, even if the seventy percent istrue, that still leads almost a third of women
that are not able to orgasm from intercoursealone.
(15:02):
And that's for many different reasons.
Some of the reasons I think is because a simplething around, like, that fastness.
Right?
So many times, I think sex happens way too fastfor women where there is this huge movement of
thrusting and quickness, and it's like, whambam, thank you, ma'am, kinda thing.
And it's lasting for two, three, four, five,six minutes, and then it's over.
(15:28):
And I'm not saying that intercourse has to lastlonger than that.
I think there's a lot of techniques we can dothat can help, and I think it's wonderful when
it it lasts longer than that.
But I think pleasure can happen even if forwhatever reason that intercourse has to be that
short.
But the problem is, I think so many times,there's not that foreplay.
There's not that touch.
(15:48):
There's not all of those other parts that arenon penetrative that are also included.
And, you know, a question I've been askingpeople lately is, if I say if I say sex if I
say sex to you, what is the first word or thingthat comes to mind?
Right?
Is it pleasure?
Is it excitement?
(16:08):
Is it I want that?
Is it a visual of your lover?
Is it a visual of a past lover?
Or is it meh?
Is it shame?
Is it pain?
Is it noninterest?
And I think so many times, part of the problemwe can get into with sex is that it's so easy
(16:30):
to just dismiss this as something beneficialfor us and something that is beneficial for the
relationship and wonderful because it's easiersometimes to do that when than look at it when
it's like, well, how do I fix that problem?
And I think one of the things that can happenis also with with orgasm through intercourse is
if somebody has a feeling around sex that ismeh, kinda like that, like, whatever.
(16:54):
I don't really care that much.
There is probably less of the ability toactually sink in to the present moment of sex
because you don't care that much.
I say often that the act of pleasure and thecapacity for pleasure is directly related to
the capacity to be present.
(17:15):
So some of what can happen with intercourse iswe can have our minds all over the place.
We can be thinking about the job, the work, thedishes, what we're gonna do before or what we
did before sex, what we did after.
And it's not uncommon that these things canhappen.
But think about this.
It's not uncommon that those things happen therest of your life.
You're driving and you're like, how the heckdid I get here?
(17:38):
Right?
Your mind is off in la la land thinking aboutall these things while your body is driving.
You know?
You're running or working out and the mindwanders.
You could be in conversation and your mindwanders.
Right?
You'd be reading a book and it's like, wait.
I didn't read that last page.
I gotta go back because my mind wandered.
So this is a constant act in our rest of ourlives to keep the mind super present on the
(17:59):
moment.
So it shouldn't be a surprise really then thatthe mind can wander during sex, but the ability
to experience orgasm through, intercourse orotherwise is really related to that desire to
be that that ability to be present.
Right?
You know, especially to, like, body image wise.
If we're thinking about fat roles and we'rethinking about how does our body look in this
(18:22):
position, etcetera, we're not probably thinkingabout our pleasure.
Right?
So the more we can be present in the moment,the more we can experience pleasure.
I also think there's a lot of there's juststill a lot to be learned as far as really
understanding the of the female anatomy.
Like, it's still, in many ways, I feel like thebiggest mystery.
(18:44):
Like, I feel like in my medical school program,it was probably if I look at, you know, body
part by body part by body part, it probablywas, like, the body parts that had the least
amount of 10 attention on from a function and apurpose and a location perspective even.
Right?
There was way more emphasis on more of thingsabout the male sexual process than the female.
(19:10):
So I think that's a huge, huge, huge part forall of this.
And one of the biggest things is, like, yes,while I do think that we can teach anybody to
orgasm in different ways, there also needs inorder to do that, there also needs to be a lot
of, you know, thinking about, like, well, wehave the most abundance of nerve endings in our
clitoris.
Right?
We have the most abundance of nervings nerveendings there.
(19:32):
And so much time, there's, like, so little timereally given to the clitoris, which is not just
that little nub.
Right?
The clitoris has a has a much broader, much,you know, bigger structures than just that,
which I do go into in some of my YouTubevideos, and I do go into in some of my course
content.
If anybody wants to sign up for my libido club,we go a lot more into structure and technique
(19:57):
and, conversation, how to have conversationswith your partner, and all of those types of
things.
So definitely check out my libido club and andjoin that if you can.
So let's keep going.
So no orgasms, women that have had no orgasms.
It's estimated that ten to thirty percent,again, depending upon the survey, of women have
(20:18):
never experienced an orgasm at all.
So I think this is a really importantstatistic.
I think it's important because, one, I think itnormalizes this.
I think this is something that provides a lotof shame and I think bidirectional shame and a
lot of pressure.
You know?
I I've seen situations where the the man,because he wants to provide this and know that
(20:40):
he can provide immense pleasure for his womanso that if the woman's not orgasming, then that
can actually, like, be, like, an assault onlike, feel like an assault on the man.
Well, that puts all of this pressure on thewoman.
Right?
And so and and it doesn't feel goodbidirectionally, but it also puts all this
pressure on the woman to orgasm.
(21:01):
And that is a single like, the like, the one ofthe biggest things that's gonna make a woman
not orgasm is pressure, is stress, is all ofthat.
Because then all she's thinking about, am Igonna come?
Is it gonna work?
Am I gonna come?
Is it gonna work?
Guess who's not feeling their own pleasure?
Guess who's off in la la la and not beingpresent to the moment because of the worry, the
stress, the pressure?
(21:22):
Just doesn't work.
So what do we do from there?
Right?
So what do we do?
Well, one, we certainly do not wanna fake it.
So another stat is that up to fifty percent ofwomen have faked orgasms in their life.
It's a huge stat, and there's a lot of reasons,I think, for why women fake orgasm.
(21:44):
One is what we're talking about here is thispressure that happens.
If she's not orgasming, then there's thispressure that gets put on her oftentimes by
feeling like, oh, this is gonna hurt my partnerif I don't orgasm, so she fakes it.
And the problem there is while that mightalleviate, you know, it might be palliative
(22:05):
short term for that initial ego.
But over time, what winds up happening is she'sdoing these things over and over again, and
they're not working.
It's not pleasing her.
And in time, then it feels more obligatory, andit feels like an extra thing she has to do.
And what tends to happen in time with thisscenario is she becomes less and less
interested in sex because it's not pleasurablefor her, and it just feels like another job.
(22:29):
And when she's busy with all the things in herlife and it just feels like another job, that's
when it can just be like, okay.
Well, if I'm gonna do this, I might as welljust fake it, get it over with.
But then she becomes oftentimes less interestedin even doing that over time because of just
the obligatory nature of it.
Another what, reason that she sometimes doesit, that women sometimes fake, is because they
(22:51):
are just not feeling great about the positionor it hurts or they're tired or they just want
it to be over.
And in healthy communication around sex, oncethis is established, then there's much more of,
like, attunement to, like, hey.
If this is not working, let's find somethingthat actually is working for you, that's
(23:11):
allowing you to feel pleasure.
Or if you're too tired for this, let's tablethis till tomorrow and the next day where we
can do this and have more energy.
But that level of safety and communication hasnot been established in so many partnerships,
So sometimes that faking comes just because shewants to end it.
And fifty percent up to fifty percent of womenfake orgasms.
(23:33):
So I don't you know, I we wanna be carefulabout that because I don't wanna give anybody
a, you don't make anybody worry about this.
It's certainly not the intention here.
But it is important to bring awareness that alot of this is happening just because that
pleasure is really not happening for her.
And it doesn't mean you're not, you know, itdoesn't mean she's not capable of receiving
(23:54):
pleasure.
It doesn't mean that I give you're listeningand you're wondering like, oh, gosh.
Is this me?
Even if it is, it doesn't mean that you're not,you know, that you're not capable of giving her
the best pleasure of her life.
Right?
But what it means is, like, in order to havethat be best pleasure of her life, you gotta
talk to her.
You guys gotta talk about it.
We gotta get the ego out of the way.
(24:16):
And, you know, I think the other place thatthis comes up, and this is an important stat
stat as well, is that from an erectiledysfunction standpoint, up to about fifty,
fifty two percent of men experience erectiledysfunction.
Now that is age dependent, and at younger ageas those percentages go down, that is study
dependent.
Some studies show much higher.
In fact, some sexologists really believe thatevery man will experience sexual dysfunction at
(24:42):
some point in their life.
I don't know that I I completely believe thatbecause what I've seen in medicine is nothing
is ever always and, you know, always and never,I just don't think exists in the world of
medicine.
But the point is the take home point is this isa common thing, and it's another thing where I
(25:02):
think men get so embarrassed about it.
And a great way of working with this is, yes,you wanna get to the root.
Make sure you go to take my libido quiz, whichis designed to help you identify the top root
cause of low libido because oftentimes, yes, itis blood flow, but it can be so many other
things.
And you wanna figure out what the root and rootcauses are.
(25:23):
So that's libidoquiz.com.
That quiz is designed to really help youidentify, like I said, those top root causes
driving any sort of low libido or sexualdysfunction issue for women or men.
So please do take that quiz.
Please do look at that quiz and take that.
That can really help you.
Again, I'll put that link.
(25:44):
But one of the biggest things is talking aboutthis, and it can feel embarrassing.
But the biggest thing to know is this is sounbelievably common.
This is so unbelievably common.
And the more we may look at this as just like,it's just another health imbalance.
It doesn't say anything about who anybody is asa person, about their who they are, about who
(26:05):
they are as a sexual being, about their abilityto deliver massive pleasure.
But the more I find that people are able totalk about this and say, okay.
This is happening.
Yes.
Let's figure this out.
And while we're doing that remember, I loveboth ands.
That's something you'll hear me say, both ands.
So, yes, let's figure out the root.
And while we're doing it, let's figure out inthe meantime other things that we can do
(26:29):
intimately together to stay connected and stayclose.
And there's mega potential during scenarios oforgasms not working, of erectile dysfunction,
you know, happening, where we can actually usethis as opportunities to say, let's reset.
Let's talk about this.
Like, we gotta talk about this.
Let's explore each other's bodies.
(26:49):
Let's find other things that work.
Let's find other ways of intimately connecting.
Right?
That can be through oral.
That can be through finger.
That can be through central massage.
That can be through playing with nipples andexploring each other's fetishes.
There there can be so many different ways ofreally exciting a partner that doesn't have to
involve involve penile contact.
(27:11):
Right?
And so it's a both and.
I'm not saying don't work look at those things.
In fact, I encourage you if the if you're nothaving orgasms or you're experiencing erectile
dysfunction to to work on these things.
Right?
And some of these things are health issues, andwe wanna figure out why they're going on.
But the the the both and approach allows us todo that and also to set, how can we actually
(27:34):
use this time to, like, find something novel todo intimately with each other?
How can we use this time to explore and say,okay.
We can't do this right now.
It's not working.
Instead of getting frustrated about it, let'ssee what other ways we can turn each other on.
And we can use this as an opportunity to expandour repertoire of what we're doing in our
(27:54):
intimate moments together.
And so I think these these things that aregoing on can be actually real opportunities to
go deeper.
So I would love to hear in comments from youguys if you've know of any other stats or
there's any other curiosities you have from astat fact standpoint around human sexuality,
around intimacy, relationships, and more.
(28:15):
So please do leave me comments on this.
Please do check out my quiz.
Like I said, that quiz is designed to help youget to the root cause.
And finally, please do check out my libidoclub.
My libido club is where you can interactdirectly with me, where there's longer content,
where there's more tips, tricks, and techniquesin there for you, and we go through all of that
(28:36):
and so much more.
So thank you for joining the club as well.
I will see you in another episode.
This has been another great episode of thelounge.
Thank you for being here with me and wishingyou guys the best pleasure in your day to day
lives.
Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
(28:57):
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
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