83: Why Do We Keep Fighting? Unpacking the Root of Marital Conflict

Why Do We Keep Fighting? Unpacking the Root of Marital Conflict

Introduction 

• Welcome back to Love How Deep.
• Heather poses the question: Why do you and your spouse fight a lot?
• The frustration of feeling unable to stop fighting.
• Common fight topics: Dishwasher, trash, parenting, etc.
• The focus on finding the root cause of these conflicts.

Scripture: James 4:1-3 

• Reading of James 4:1-3.
• The title of the section: "Submit Yourselves to God."
• Addressing the negative connotations of "submit" and its true meaning in relation to God and each other.

Verse 1: The Source of Fights

• "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?"
• Fights stemming from personal wants and desires (tangible or intangible).
• Selfishness as the underlying issue.
• Losing sight of the spouse's needs in the moment.
• Breakdown of healthy communication and intentions.
• The cycle of wanting and fighting.

Selfishness in Marriage

• Brian's reflection on selfishness as the root of most arguments.
• Selfishness on one or both sides.
• Difficulty recognizing selfishness in the heat of the moment.
• The impact of emotions on rational thinking.
• The ongoing process of learning and growing in this area.

The Power of Submission 

• Letting go of personal wants for the sake of the spouse and the marriage.
• Submission as a choice driven by love and prioritizing the spouse's well-being.
• Submission not equating to being a doormat.
• The healthy dynamic of choosing to submit, mirroring God's relationship with us.

Verse 2: The Destructive Nature of Unmet Desires 

• "You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want."
• "Killing" the spouse's spirit, dreams, and self-esteem through negative words.
• The gradual erosion of the marriage due to unkindness.
• The impact of the silent treatment as another form of "killing" connection.
• The vicious cycle of unmet desires leading to more fighting.

Verse 2 (Continued): The Gangrene/Cancer Analogy