LTN 1 - Why Couples Stop Talking!

• Launch of “Love Thy Neighbor” with therapist Colette Fehr
• Colette’s TEDx talk on relationships (April 3) and 13 years of experience
• Her first marriage as “surface perfection” (family, labs, SUVs, picket fence) but emotionally empty
• Husband’s disengagement, loneliness, and realization of controllable vs. uncontrollable factors
• Conflict avoidance as central issue; fear of arguments; lack of modeled healthy resolution at home
• Growing up in “suffer in silence” or emotionally closed households
• Comfort discussing with colleagues vs. difficulty with spouses due to higher stakes
• Acting despite fear as her first principle; few families openly model conflict
• Breaking intergenerational anger patterns and temper issues
• Avoidance behaviors and male fear of losing intimacy after anger
• Band-Aid analogy: ignoring wounds vs. addressing issues
• Male tendency to equate sex with connection; women needing connection before sex
• Misinterpretations fueling breakdowns; frustration over vague requests
• Desire for clear, task-oriented path to intimacy; comparison to instructional videos
• Wizard of Oz ruby slippers metaphor: solutions are within
• Conflict as surprising but powerful way to connect
• Sharing fears builds closeness; vulnerability as risky but vital
• Reframing conflict talk as “magic trick” for connection
• Emotions as signals: sadness = loss, anger = need for change
• Facing conflict repeatedly reduces fear; positive reinforcement when met with care
• Disconnection signs: neglecting kisses goodnight, passing interactions, deprioritizing spouse
• Long-married regret at silence; lighthouse metaphor for ignored warnings
• Connection misunderstood until laughter or joy appears, but disconnection returns easily
• Emotional vs. logical partner dynamics; “double Tom” (logic) vs. “double Dan” (emotion) struggles
• Pursuer–withdrawer pattern: one chases, one retreats; substances as withdrawal metaphor
• Therapy works within temperament, not personality change
• Joking, dismissing, or passive-aggression block openness
• Three key skills: act despite fear, be vulnerable, be assertive
• Assertiveness ≠ aggression; contrast with passive and passive-aggressive styles
• Humor as defense derailing intimacy; discomfort as barrier to openness
• Feeling “seen and heard” as core unit of connection
• Vulnerable moments often cut short when intensity feels overwhelming
• Date nights valuable only if genuine, not superficial
• Show up like first date: engaged, curious, listening, no phones
• Curiosity fades over time; partners must ask deeper, specific, open-ended questions
• Parenting tips (like “new dad” texts) adapted for spouse conversations
• Starter prompts when partner seems uninteresting (“what’s on your mind?”)
• Pretend partner is fascinating to rekindle interest
• Overcoming sense new habits are fake; effort itself is authenticity
• “I love you but not in love” cliché explained by loss of limerence vs. deeper fear
• Limerence as neurochemical high (6–36 months); sustaining love requires practice
• Social media myths fuel distorted comparisons
• Homework: two 6-second kisses and one 20-second hug daily to boost bonding chemistry
• Add 10–20 minutes of cuddling; touch prevents “roommate mode”
• Non-sexual affection as glue; even robotic rituals build bonding chemistry
• Skin-to-skin like newborn bonding; daily 20 minutes of touch and conversation
• Sit together without phones; acknowledge awkwardness; talk authentically
• Reminder: people often ask strangers more questions than spouses
• Phones as top relationship killer
• Promotion of Colette Fehr’s upcoming book The Cost of Quiet (Feb 3 release) expanding on TEDx talk Secrets of a Couple’s Therapist
• Plan to revisit homework and connection progress in next episode
• Wrap-up of first “Love Thy Neighbor” and preview of future topics

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