Navigating the Complexities of Couples Therapy ft Kristen Feemster

In this conversation, Kristen and Dr. Raquel Martin discuss the intricacies of couples therapy, the challenges of organizing group therapy, and the importance of understanding the roles and boundaries of therapists. They explore misconceptions that clients may have about therapy, the significance of individual therapy alongside couples work, and the dynamics of family therapy. The discussion emphasizes the need for clear communication and the therapist's role in navigating complex relationship issues. In this conversation, Dr. Raquel Martin and Kristen explore the complexities of relationships, the impact of family dynamics on self-perception, and the nuances of addiction and emotional coping mechanisms. They discuss the importance of setting boundaries in relationships, the skills required for maintaining friendships, and how childhood experiences shape adult behaviors. The dialogue also delves into the relationship individuals have with food and substances, emphasizing the need for healthier coping strategies and the societal pressures that contribute to unhealthy habits. In this conversation, Kristen and Dr. Raquel Martin explore the multifaceted nature of fitness, the mindset of athletes, and the importance of community in personal growth. They discuss the differences between coaching and therapy, emphasizing the need for action-oriented approaches in coaching while allowing for deeper emotional exploration in therapy. The conversation also touches on building healthy relationships, recognizing red and green flags, and the significance of accountability in personal development.

 

Takeaways

• The organization of group therapy requires significant funding and planning.
• Couples therapy is distinct from individual therapy and requires specialized training.
• Misconceptions about therapy often lead clients to misunderstand the therapist's role.
• Therapists should maintain clear boundaries between individual and couples therapy.
• It's essential for therapists to support clients in having difficult conversations.
• Understanding family dynamics is crucial in couples therapy.
• Clients may feel apprehensive about therapy based on gender dynamics.
• Therapists should not act as referees in couples therapy sessions.
• Individual therapy can complement couples therapy for better outcomes.

Bio

Kristen is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, wellness coach and the owner of Believe. Be Free. Be Well. PLLC (B3). Her passion for mental and physical wellness are at the cornerstone of her work helping others begin again and move forward - mind, body, and spirit.

Episode Transcript

Dr. Raquel Martin (00:00):
Steve, Hello everyone, and welcome to Mind
your mental just a reminder thatthis podcast is not meant to be
a substitute for a relationshipwith a licensed mental health
professional. I know they arehard to find, and I get that I
have a bunch of resources on mywebsite if you need them, but I
am not your clinician. I am apsychologist, but I am not your

(00:21):
psychologist, so if you need anyspecific help, please look for
the help of a licensed mentalhealth professional. Learn all
you can learn from the podcast.Enjoy the episode. Once again,
we have Kristen feimster. Thankyou so much for joining us on
the podcast. How are you doingtoday? Good.

Unknown (00:35):
I'm good. It's a pleasure to be with you today
and to have this conversation.

Dr. Raquel Martin (00:41):
Yeah, I'm gonna be honest with you that
the I was first introduced toyou via your your social media,
your fitness videos, becausethey're straightforward, and I
was able to easily build like, aformidable workout without
having to have like, 50 minutesof intro or someone trying to,
like, sell me stuff like it,literally, like, when you look
on it, she's doing an Exerciseto show you how to do it as a

(01:02):
modified one, a regular one,

Unknown (01:04):
simple,

Dr. Raquel Martin (01:05):
like, exactly what I was looking for. Like,
there are more accounts doingthat now, but you were the first
account I would follow you foryears. You were the first
account actually doing that.Because I really just wanted to
be like, can I just listen? Wedon't have text just arm day. I
don't know what to do. Can I?Can you please just show me what
to do via arm day. I don't wantthe shaker bottle. I don't want

(01:26):
the booty tights. All I wantjust tell me what to do on arm
day, for the love of God. So,yeah, that's why I started
following you. I was justsurprised by that she was also a
clinician. So I was like, Oh,that's fantastic. I mean, I
followed you just for thefitness double whammy. It's
just, I get sick of being soldstuff all the time. So you are a

(01:47):
licensed Marriage and FamilyTherapist. Tell me about the
difference between when it comesto like, your training, because
everyone doesn't work withcouples, like and working
marriage and family therapy,working with families, working
with couples. Those arespecialties. I don't think
everyone grasps that, like noteverybody. Just because you
trained the individual therapydoes not mean you can work with
couples, right? It does not meanyou can work with families. You

(02:10):
have way more people in theroom. It's a lot.

Unknown (02:12):
Yes, I think exactly to what you were speaking about is
being able to manage the peoplein the room, you know. And so my
background me, marriage andfamily, going all the way back
to my, you know, schooling andeverything, we did a lot of work
around just understanding familydynamics, how family of origin,
you know, how you grew up,childhood experiences and that
sort of thing, affect the wayyou choose partners and

(02:34):
experience your adultrelationships, you know. And so
in knowing that information,that's not the only part that
makes the specialization sohelpful is that we actually have
real time experience withmultiple people being in the
room. So it's easy to know theinformation about how these
things should work and howpeople are affected by their
attachment style and their, youknow, upbringing, but to

(02:56):
actually have two people in theroom that you have to kind of
counteract their energies andmake sure everybody feels heard,
then in real time, manage someof those issues. It's, I enjoy
it because it's there's never adull moment in those situations.
You know, there's alwayssomething to work with. But it's
definitely a major differencecoming from just having the one
person's story, their voice,their truth, to having multiple

(03:19):
people in there to manage at thesame time. Do

Dr. Raquel Martin (03:21):
you feel as though people come in with
certain misconceptions when theycome into family or couples
therapy? Because as someonewho's worked with families, I
think the biggest misconceptionthat people come in with is
thinking that I'm there to bethe referee and to keep score,
asking me whose side they're on,like, Oh, she agrees with me.
She agrees with me. And I wouldsay that's the that's the big
that's the most consistent one Iget. And I have to be like, I am

(03:41):
not a referee. My patient is thefamily. Neither one of y'all are
my patient individually. Youknow, like, do you, do you feel
as though you see similarmisconceptions when people are
coming to you for the firsttime? Yeah, I

Unknown (03:52):
think so. I think that, you know, depending on gender,
it can kind of feel people can,like, say, a husband or a male
partner can feel concerned thatthere's going to be a piling on,
you know, if they pick a afemale therapist versus a male,
you know, those types of thingscan come up. And I also like to
be upfront about that. I havesome some counselors do, but I

(04:13):
want a healthy relationship forthe both of you. I'm not sold on
keeping you together or breakingyou up. And it may feel like the
questions that I'm asking or thethings that I want to unpack
have some sort of, like,underlying motive behind them up
there she's trying to tear usapart. It may be that we just
need to have a hardconversation. And so that's

(04:34):
another misconception, is thatmaybe I'm out to, you know, keep
them in something that theydon't want to be in, because a
lot of people come in on thefence or with what I call like
one foot out the door, wherethey're like, I'm kind of
leaning out. So I even on theonset of therapy, I will meet
with the couple together for thefirst time, just to make sure
everybody knows we're all on thesame team. And then I actually

(04:55):
break the couples of thepartners apart and meet with
them separately, just to gage,are you. You leaning out? Are
you leaning in? I want to makesure that I'm hearing what
you're saying, to keep thatneutrality, you know, when I'm
coming into the joint session.So that's another misconception,
is that maybe I have, like, somesome end goal, and I'm like,
hey, this may end in you guysparting ways. I want to support

(05:16):
you in just having theconversations and doing the work
to come to that conclusion, I amnot committed to an outcome. And
so that's another thing. Hey,

Dr. Raquel Martin (05:24):
everyone, just a reminder that mind, your
mental is not just a podcast. Itis also a amazing community. If
I do say so myself, it'sphenomenal. I mean, you get more
access to me. What more couldyou want in this life? So if you
want to join the community, ifyou're not already on the
community, go to my socialmedia. My social media is the

(05:45):
same Raquel Martin, PhD, and DMme the word community, so you
can get details on joining thisamazing, flipping community. You
get more access to me. Y'alllike, I'm a delight. All right.
All right. Hope to see youthere. I love the fact that you
split a split them up at times,it in not to be confused with
the fact that you're theirindividual therapist, because

(06:07):
even when you split them up, youare still there, right? Yes,
yes, we're

Unknown (06:11):
still having conversations about the most
recent couples therapy session.Maybe there's something I want
to clarify with them in private.I don't keep secrets. It's about
hearing them clear, clearly, sothat I can, you know, navigate
whatever challenge we're havingin the session, so I'm clear
about that I don't like. So inour individual appointments,
don't tell me secrets thatyou're not comfortable with. You

(06:33):
know, eventually sharing. Allright, we got to figure out how
to do that, but it will help mehear you, and maybe you can
share in a different way withoutyour partner present, and then I
can help you with communicatingthat you know confidently or
with a different language in thesession. But everything is
definitely for the purpose ofcoming back to the couple's
work, no matter how many timeswe break off. And I'll add to

(06:55):
oftentimes, I pretty soon, ifthey're not already in their
individual therapy, we'restarting to talk about, you
know, what does it look like foryou to have an individual
therapist? Because maybe thingsare coming up. I do 90 up to 90
minute sessions, because it canbe a lot to unpack, but I always
like for clients to have thatindividual therapist so that I
can defer and say, and thatsounds like something, you know,

(07:17):
for your individual so that youcan, you know, continue to work
on that and show up in thecouples therapy space, you know,
as healthy as possible. So thoseare some ways I try to make sure
that you know the boundaries areclear on my purpose by
acknowledging and deferring tothat other resource. Yeah,

Dr. Raquel Martin (07:36):
and why is it important for everyone to
understand that your couplestherapists will never be your
individual therapy.

Unknown (07:42):
I think, yeah, well, honestly, some people, some
therapists, have heard, havedifferent approaches to this,
and, you know, kind of havedifferent boundaries with it.
Really, yes, yes, I've

Dr. Raquel Martin (07:52):
I'm gonna let you know I'm okay. So Dr Martin
is a firm. It's appropriate atall? I don't think it's
appropriate

Unknown (07:59):
at all. We agree, yeah, yeah. I don't think it's
appropriate at all. I think itjust complicates something that
doesn't have to be but do, yeah,I do think, you know, if I had
to have some levelunderstanding, I might see,
like, where in rural areas wherethere's just not enough to go
around, maybe, or, you know,there's some something nuanced
about the dynamic that wouldlend itself to that. Now, I've

(08:19):
only heard about this in theFacebook street, so I don't know
anybody personally that's doingit. But on a Facebook group, I
was like, wow, that's, I don'tknow how they're doing that.
Just keep scrolling. I'm justlike, I don't know about that,
but I decide, you know, I've letthem know once we tap in, same
thing with my individualclients, and usually my
individual clients are like,Yeah, I don't want my boyfriend

(08:40):
to meet you. You're mine. Youknow, they're like, I don't want
to. I wouldn't want that anyway,like, he's got to find his own,
yeah, his own therapist. I justsay, you know, that's honoring
the way that we connected first,and that allows us to not have
to have so many complicationsfrom dual relationships and
holding different considerationsin mind. You know, if I'm your
individual therapist, I can justshow up for you, and you don't

(09:02):
have to worry about what yousay, do or whatever, showing up
in another session. And the samefor the couple's work. You know,
you can know that that is aplace and space to unpack that,
and then we can go into talkingabout your career or your
friendships or your whateverelse, and your individuals. And
you know you have time and spaceto do both without it all

(09:22):
getting convoluted. So I try tospeak to it as, like, a benefit
and not, you know, a cost, youknow, a liability, to not be
able to speak to the same personabout everything.

Dr. Raquel Martin (09:31):
Yeah, that's how I was trained, too. Because
I think that gets confused as towho you're serving, right? Like
when I'm working with families,the family is the patient,
right? Like, there is no I'munderstanding that we operate in
a system, and we're going towork on what is best for the
system right now with coupleswork, you can you guys, may,
they may decide to, like, what'sbest for us as a as individuals

(09:53):
or in the system, is to nolonger be in a relationship,
right? That doesn't get tohappen in family therapy a lot,
but understanding that they had.Unified patient is the I don't
even do my rule, and I think I'mstill able to stick to this
rule. I haven't had to come upyet. But, like, I don't work
with siblings and individualtherapy. Oh yeah. So, like, if
I'm seeing sibling a forindividual therapy, I'm not
seeing sibling B for individualtherapy, like somebody else has

(10:14):
to see them. I remember havingone, like, during training,
having a couple of encounterswith that, and they really would
just come in and think, like,well, make sure when you go in
your session you tell them notto touch my stuff. I like, what

Unknown (10:26):
is this triangulation? This

Dr. Raquel Martin (10:27):
is a problem. I'm not doing this with you,
right. Like, and it's just like,it's very different. So, like,
one of my rules is, like, Idon't see siblings, mom, dad,
you figure out which one youwant me to see, and we'll figure
out who the other one. Yes,because you're not about to
spend my whole session giving mea play by play of how they took
your Barbie and then you destroytheir hot wheel truck. And now,

Unknown (10:46):
right, right? And then, to my to your point, you start
to replicate issues that areprobably in the home or in the
family dynamic in general, ifwe're being honest, because it's
like, what does this look likewhen I'm the therapist? Isn't
the commonality. It probablyshows up in the way that they
use their parents to mitigatedifferent issues or whatever.
You know what I'm saying, youcan kind of really get into the

(11:07):
dysfunction by doing that andoverstepping those types of
boundaries. So in demonstrationof health, I'm going to keep
things separate for all of us.Everybody needs their person.
Nobody wants to feel like, youknow, you're always having to
play both sides. And so that'sthe dangers of it, though, you
can easily get kind of wrappedup in the codependent,

(11:27):
complicated triangulation. Thatis probably a part of why
they're there. And you got tosay, I'm not going to
participate in that. Let's goahead and and do this separately
so that everybody gets theirneeds met, because that's
probably what they need,especially your children. I
mean, all this. But you knowwhat I mean? It's probably,
yeah, I

Dr. Raquel Martin (11:43):
totally get that. When I found my
psychologist after our firstsession, I was like, Man, I
don't know if I want you to bemy psychologist or my mentor and
like. So when people are like,well, I want you to work with us
in both ways, I'm like, Listen,I have felt this pain. I totally
get it. I totally understand,you know. But Right?

Unknown (12:00):
Right? Can't do it. Can't do it.

Dr. Raquel Martin (12:02):
You know, you can't do it, right? Because I
can't have her as both. She's mypsychologist. She'll never be
able to be my mentor. Like, it'snot a thing. So that was, I'm
like, I felt this, I too, feltthis pain. No, I literally was
just like, I think you're alittle too dope to be my
psychologist. I do need a mentoras well, right? Just having to
just be an adult like so

Unknown (12:24):
which one did you go with? Which did you decide
psychologists?
But sometimes I regret my mentalhealth can wait.
I was hoping you were gonna saymentor, because I'm like,
getting mentor some days,sometimes I regret it.
Like mental health could havewaited. I could have waited to
find somebody.

(12:45):
No, I feel you on that. I feelyou on that. I have the same
thing come up with inquirieswhere, you know, because I do
offer coaching and differentstuff, it's like helping them
decide, yeah, and you're right.It's that dilemma like, dang, I
know I need the therapy. Butthis, you know, this other
dynamic which has less, youknow, less rules and, you know,
guidelines and ethics around it.And I don't want to say less, it

(13:05):
may be different. You know whatI'm saying. I ought to get the
dilemma. I get the dilemma. Butmental health, you know, then I
was like, dang, I wonder ifthat's her mentor, psychologist.
That's okay,

Dr. Raquel Martin (13:16):
you know, because here's the thing, mental
health wise, has been doing alot better. So we've
transitioned to like, you know,boosters, right? But then I kind
of just want to be like, I kindof just want to kick it like,
because you guys, did you justwant to talk and I can't,
because it's just like, Girl,no, she's got her

Unknown (13:37):
she's got her boundaries. First

Dr. Raquel Martin (13:41):
she's, I've been working with her since I
was a student. That's why I was,that's why it was even more.
Just like, part of my issue isthat there's so much racism in
my program, and I could alsobenefit from a mentor, right?
So, right, yeah, you

Unknown (13:54):
bring up a good point. This is the intersection, right?
I mean, you kind of bring up agood point. It's like, do you
have to decide? But I mean,again, I know the benefits. I
know the I know the protectivefactor is involved in deciding,
but sometimes it is hard.Sometimes you sit at the
intersection and it's hard bodyright there at the intersection.
So

Dr. Raquel Martin (14:15):
she's a good psychologist, but she would have
been a great mentor, too.Anyway, if you're listening to
this doctor Williams, I loveyou, but I know she don't listen
to my

Unknown (14:25):
I could get her to be my mentor. She sounds great. I
want you to know how it

Dr. Raquel Martin (14:32):
is. You're not gonna just have my dream.
She's not right. That's just notright. I ran into her at an APA
event, like I hadn't seen itbecause we had done telehealth
since I hadn't seen her in aminute. And I ran up and gave
her a hug. I said, Don't makethis weird. I'm gonna need a
hug, and then I'm leaving. Andshe was just like, Raquel, you

(14:52):
just, just like, I just, I justhaven't seen your physical body
even so like, I'll see you nextsession. Nobody knows anybody.
We're at it. We're at it. We'reat an APA American Psychological
Association event. You know,clearly you're going to be at
this event. It's very pro black,which is why you're great
psychology, exactly. But, yeah,it was pretty painful. Sometimes

(15:15):
I think I made the work wrongdecision. One of the things,
right? You know, we'll talkabout it in session. She's just
gonna be like, well, there's theAssociation of Black
Psychologists, and you couldfind a mentor there. And no, I
already know girl. I alreadyknow. I've been working with her
for a minute. She She don't playthese games. She's like, but

(15:36):
let's focus on our plan. Okay,because we

Unknown (15:38):
talked about this running a tight ship.

Dr. Raquel Martin (15:41):
Oh, wow, you gotta love it. But one of the
things I think, is really thatI've noticed when it comes to
like, whether I'm buildingrelationships or talking to
friends, building relationshipsor even patients, is how much
they don't really they mayforget about how their
relationship with themselves isgoing to impact the way that
they navigate any relationshipthat they have, whether it's
romantic, whether it isfriendship, whether it is

(16:03):
collegial with co workers. Canyou talk about how you've seen
that play out in sessions likewhen it comes to you mentioned
family of origin, but alsopossibly habits they may have,
or possibly core beliefs thatwill impact the way we engage
with anyone?

Unknown (16:18):
Yeah, so the way I view things across the board, even
when it comes to fitness andjust, you know, wellness goals.
In that sense is that, you know,in our family of origin, when we
when we are growing up inchildhood, we are, you know,
being conditioned, for better orfor worse, to see the world in a
certain way and to experienceourselves in a certain way. So

(16:38):
our experiences that we havethat are traumatic, or messages
that we pick up along the way,such as a common one, I'm not
good enough, or there'ssomething wrong with me, or
everyone leaves me, if you'rerejection, fear of abandonment.
We know those become the lensthat we look through. You know,
that becomes our narrative, thatbecomes our self talk, that
becomes, you know, a core beliefthat we have and we carry that

(17:01):
we can carry that into we can,and we do carry that into other
situations that are decades. Imean, I work with people, you
know, mid 30s, 40s, 50s, who arecarrying around narratives that
they picked up when they wereseven and eight years old from a
bullying situation, or, youknow, a home life that was
neglectful, emotionally abusive,whatever. And that affects, you

(17:24):
know, their personality, thataffects the the partners that
they choose, the friendshipsthat they're able to keep or not
keep, to not having thoseskills. I think that, you know,
there's a lot of conversationnow around friendships and
realizing that they actually dotake skills and work, that it's
not just we're friends becausewe have a common experience. You
know, we're actually friendsbecause we work at our

(17:44):
communication at the level, youknow, at the same with, the same
with, with effort that we wouldalso apply to romantic
relationships and whatnot. Likethere's, there's effort to be
put in. It doesn't just happen.And so, yeah, I spill that over
into the habits we acquire. Youknow, how did you see your
family system coping withissues. You know, did you see
them? Was there a rule of, wecan't talk about that, or we

(18:07):
don't talk about that? Was theresweeping under the rug a lot of
different things? And then wegrow up and we're doing the same
thing. We're escaping andnumbing and self medicating in
the same ways that we saw, youknow, our family system or our
mom do or whatever, and thenwe're wondering why we can't
break the cycle. Like, to yourpoint, I have the meal plan, I

(18:27):
have the workout plan. Why can Inot just do it? And it's like,
because there's these otherhabits and these other ways of
thinking that are taking upspace. You know, I work with a
lot of women around being highachievers. You know,
perfectionist high achievers,and they don't realize how that
all or nothing. And I'm speakingto myself too, also, by the way,

(18:48):
I put myself in front streetwith this one, is that the all
or nothing mentality helps yousucceed. It helps you be a
straight A student. It helps yoube a star athlete. It helps you
start the business and graduatedespite unfortunate
circumstances and all thosethings. And it also can be a
hindrance to being a beginner atsomething, to having to try

(19:10):
again at something when whenthings don't go the way that
they're supposed to go. And soit's like that, that high
standard mentality can help yousucceed, but then it also can
keep you from trying with thingsthat are new, you know. So even
in the tangibles of starting newrelationships or, you know,
having new health and wellnessgoals across the gamut, you can

(19:32):
have your standards be so highthat you never start or that you
come in really feeling very weakor challenged in areas that
aren't really the reality. So Ihelp people with understanding.
Long story short, I help peoplewith understanding, what are
those core beliefs like? What isthat narrative that keeps
popping up? I'm not good enough.I'm not good enough here, I'm
not good enough there. And westart to like work through that.

(19:53):
On the therapy side, we start towork through that. We also might
talk about emotional eating, youknow, I'm. Eating because I feel
like a failure. I'm eatingbecause, you know, I never
learned how to actually cope.Even addictions kind of come
from this too, and through andthrough, you know, working
through those things and findingfreedom from those things, you
can actually pursue healthyenvironments, healthy people,

(20:18):
healthy habits that really justmake you generally have a better
life, a better quality of life.

Dr. Raquel Martin (20:23):
Can you share more about the relationship
between that and addiction?Because I also know that from
your experience, you would beable to talk about living in
long term recovery as well.Yeah,

Unknown (20:33):
yes. So I think that personally, for me, you know, I
was speaking to the highachieving, you know,
perfectionist mindset. I thinkthat that as a black girl, you
know, being living in apredominantly white community, I
think there was just a lot offact, we could do a whole nother
podcast on how that, you know,shapes us. But you know,
expectations were high, youknow, and I found approval and

(20:58):
emotional safety in a way, in inhaving high expectations of
myself and being an excellingand a comfort in that. But as we
know, as you get older and morelife happens, you start to
realize that is not sustainableto be excellent at everything at
all times. That leads to a lotof anxiety, that leads to a lot
of fear of things going wrong tothe point where maybe you're,

(21:22):
you know, sabotaging your ownprogress, or, you know, whatever
the case may be. And a lot oftimes, that's where those
emotions that we're maybe notgiving the tools with how to
deal with, that's where thevices start to come out. And so
my thing was, was alcohol, youknow, that was my that was my
story. But I also like to letpeople know that, hey, just

(21:44):
because mom is, you know, peoplethink that I'm the drugs. It's
like, No, I'm different thanthat. I wasn't doing all that.
That's that's just they see itas next level, which mine was
next level, but it's the theme,it's the purpose, it's the
relationship with it. So I don'talways speak about addiction,
per se. I speak about what'syour relationship with that
thing? So your relationship withalcohol, your relationship with

(22:05):
food, your relationship withmen, your relationship with
work, to say that it's notreally about the thing at the
end. It's more about how you'reusing it. And that could be
extreme where you're, you know,drinking every day, like I was,
or that could be something thathappens occasionally, but if I'm
doing it to avoid hard feeling,my my uncomfortable feelings and
hard, hard situations, then it'sfunctioning the same,

(22:28):
functioning the same in thatregard. And so helping people to
understand, particularly withfood, I think that that's one
that comes up a lot, because youkind of like for me with with
alcohol, I decided that this isno longer serving me. I need to
go completely abstinent, and Ineed to just do away with it.
And I've been, God willing, I'llhave 10 years sober in December,

(22:50):
this coming December. But withfood, you have to figure out,
you can't not eat for 10 years.You know, you have to figure
out. You have to figure out abetter way to cope. And I think
that's where the other healthyhabits and really unpacking the
root of it is so important,because you have to find a
different way to relate to thesubstances and the things that

(23:13):
you're engaged in. Again, thiscould be work too, you know, it
could be sex work, gamblingacross the board. And so that's
kind of where the work lies.

Dr. Raquel Martin (23:21):
One, congratulate, congratulations,
and congratulations for Decembercoming up. Two, I think it's
great the way you shared it interms of, like a relationship,
because it can be a bunch ofdifferent things, right? I find
that whether it's substances orwhether it's other things,
people can use them for a numberof reasons, but what it provides
you like it can provide yousomething that stops the bad. It

(23:45):
can provide you with somethingthat starts the good. It can
provide you with something thatstarts anything. Because so many
people are walking around numband completing that assignment,
or eating that donut or usingthat substance just gives them
something to feel as someone whoeats their food, and I am an
emotional person. I love everysingle aspect of it, like, and

(24:05):
being emotional, because I thinkit's a stray knowing your
relationship with food is isimportant in any way, shape or
form, right? Because it's notabout body shaming. It's about
sometimes you have toacknowledge is eating the only
positive thing in your life.Like, is it? I'm not trying to
shame any aspect of your body.If you're healthy, you're
healthy, but can you alsoacknowledge that the only time
when you actually feel healthyor feel anything or feel happy

(24:28):
is with eating, and that is notokay. What like? What else

Unknown (24:31):
do I have to look forward to? That's true, yeah.
What else

Dr. Raquel Martin (24:34):
do you have to look forward to? Right? Like
I had to learn when I was losingweight, and honestly, I said, as
someone who I feel like Igained, I can't remember how
much I gained was more than Iwanted to anytime I was at the
people like, I know it's hard,it's like, yeah, it's hard. But
I also enjoyed every pound, likeI didn't gain this weight eating
salads, okay, like i

Unknown (24:57):
There are memories you're

Dr. Raquel Martin (24:59):
not. All of their memories connected to
these pounds. But I will beremiss if I didn't state that it
was just like, it wasn't theamount. It was like going
through high stress environment,going through high stress names
and my as soon as my quartersall spiked. I wanted, like,
pizza and sweets. It wasn't eventhe excess. It wasn't like I was
eating more. It was everything Iwas eating was terrible. Like,

(25:21):
like, like, I'm just like, well,you know, they say you treat
yourself on a Tuesday at 6amgirl,

Unknown (25:30):
stop. But honestly, but it was because I didn't have any
other way to deal with thestress,
and I tie that sometimes, withmy clients, back to, where did
you learn that this was the likethey you may have observed that,
yeah, like growing up, that thisfood and having food around
meant that we were celebrating,that all was well, it was a

(25:53):
whole thing. I felt connected. Iwas with my family. I was with
my friends. You know, you getall of this nostalgic
Association, and even before youget to the coffee that may be
mediocre, you know, sometimesthey don't make the coffee.
Like, you know, you've alreadyromanticized the whole
experience, because it ties backto maybe some earlier memories
of it actually doing that. Andthe problem is, is that we have

(26:15):
to go back and kind of mitigate,like, is that actually doing
what it used to do? Is it reallydoing exactly? Is it it's
helping? Yes, but what elsecould help? And so I often don't
even tell people that they haveto do away with their emotional
eating altogether, because thatcan be a little overwhelming.
It's like, okay, wait a minute.I need my I need my treats. I
need my I need my little thing.Yeah, it's just about, can we

(26:37):
get you like, five other things?Can we just get you some options
to where it's not only that andalways that, take the pressure
off of that area, and let's pourinto hobbies and you know some
other, maybe relationships, thatcan be there. You know, your
spirituality, other things, sothat all your eggs aren't in
that one basket with that's allyou have to go to. And sometimes

(27:00):
we learn that, you know throughexperience, that that's what we
do, that's just what we doaround here. Same thing with any
other substance. It's like wejust, we just drank over it.
That's just all we ever did. Andso that's all I've ever done.
Yeah, and it's like there's somany other ways to do it. And
then you could still, in a moremoderate way, have heavier
things without putting yourwhole life's quality of life in

(27:23):
that one thing you know

Dr. Raquel Martin (27:26):
exactly, because it's the excess, right?
It's also the fact that, like,it's easier. Like, no matter
what, if I'm in a stressfulmood, I know for a fact that a
cheese pizza is going right.It's quicker. Like, to me, it's
it's there, it's quicker,instead of me just being like,
okay, but this is also kind ofavoidance, like, why don't we,
you know, you process what'sfrustrating you Why don't you

(27:47):
schedule another session? Like,there are other things that we
can do, there are other skillsthat we can impart, but reaching
for the food was just, it's justquicker and then as a result,
like, not moving as much, right?So I think a lot of times people
reach for that, that that quickhit, because it's just like,
well, I don't want to talk aboutmy feelings, and that'll be the
case sometimes, sometimes we'lldo that. But it's also like the

(28:07):
messages, right? Because thenumber of times I see these
little jokes about mommy juice,and it's like, it's like a jug
of wine, and I'm like, Okay,

Unknown (28:17):
do you think mommy might need less mommy juice if
she was in a supportiverelationship, if she wasn't
married and yet still singleparenting, if she didn't have to
have everything on her back, oreven dad, like dad, but okay,
well, you do? You think maybe hewouldn't need to drink a keg if
he was able to talk about hisfeelings, if you didn't
invalidate the way he wasfeeling about being a parent?

(28:38):
You know, like it's just, it'svery a lot of times they're just
numbing, numbing, yeah, yeah.And it goes all the way into the
cult wellness culture and andthe way that marketing plays on
our weaknesses to have usengaged in things that just keep
us numbed out and not thinkingand mindless. You know, because
the more mindless we are aroundfood, substances, gambling, you

(29:00):
know, all the things. It costsmoney and resources, and it
makes companies millions ofdollars, billions of dollars.
And so the it's in their bestinterest to find those nuanced
ways that we those there's areaswhere we where we are
vulnerable, and play up to them.And so now mommy juice isn't
like, oh, wait, let's talk aboutwhy you're drinking. It's a

(29:21):
thing. Now, it's just a thing.You know what? I mean, that's
that's just what we do. It's a

Dr. Raquel Martin (29:25):
whole try. It's a whole like thing of the
cup, they have customized cups,you know, like little yetis that
say this is probably wine on it.

Unknown (29:35):
Yes, yes. To me, I'm
just like, my bells go off. I'm
not one of those people, one ofthose sober people that's just
like, really, you know, pickyabout, you know, I let people do
their thing. You know, I was notsuccessful with moderating. But
that does not mean that I amgoing to impose my lifestyle or
whatever on anybody else, but Ido sometimes, yeah, you know, it
does hit me differently when Isee those types of things. Like,

(29:58):
that's a sign of problems.Drinking actually, to mask this
as or to normalize this in thatway. And I see that with a lot
of wellness events as well,where they'll pair wine with
yoga, or they'll have beer andburpee five Ks, or some, you
know, just like random stuff.And I'm like, That's
interesting.

Dr. Raquel Martin (30:16):
I would throw up, and that's what they do. I
mean, honestly, if somebody, ifsomebody, mentions burpee, I'd
probably throw up. There arebetter exercises. There are
better exercises. Golly, like,every single time I'm just like,
and if my personal trainer islistening, if my old school
personal trainer is listening,there are better they're a
better exercise,

Unknown (30:35):
right? Christy gave me modifications like, Hey, I don't
have to do that. Yes,

Dr. Raquel Martin (30:39):
I was given modifications because they're
like, oh, they work out these,these body parts. I said, so
there's a freaking dead lift.Why am I doing this? I just
think, I think when, wheneveryone decides to be personal
trainers, you guys take this.Oh, it's just like, okay, and
we've all decided, like, we'regonna lie about the whole burpee
thing, right? Like, we're gonnamake them think there's no

(31:00):
better exercise, right? Yes,cool, cool. Now we give you your
certification. Thank you. Yougot to admit to this lie. It's a
cold trainer

Unknown (31:08):
on me. It's like, I mean, it does hit a lot of
different key areas at once, but

Dr. Raquel Martin (31:14):
I'm fine with doing five separate exercises
that will also hit those musclesthan that one I don't care.

Unknown (31:22):
I some days I'm like, I am I can I keep up with the
other trainers? You know? Can I?Because it's intense. Sometimes
it's intense with the with thepromotion of different things.
And I'll say this to you know,the reason why I have settled in
on my content and my plans thatI have for for my clients, and
stuff being simplified isbecause there's so many other

(31:44):
benefits to fitness, and if youhaving to do burpees is keeping
you from getting a workout inthat you know that you need, or
for whatever you know what Imean, then it's not worth it.
It's not worth it. I'd rathertake the burpees out. Okay,
let's just take the burpees outif that's going to be a point of
contention. Cool. Let's find,let's get you five other moves
that you can do separately, andbreak

Dr. Raquel Martin (32:04):
it down. And I'm cool with that. I wouldn't
even care which is amodification for real, like,
there's certain things. It's amodification because there are
certain things. It's like, okay,I understand this sucks, but I
don't want to do them. Butburpees in themselves. I'm just
like, Yeah, I'd rather do, I'drather do plyometrics and then
lick the pavement. I truly, Itruly can't, and I know Harold

(32:26):
was used to just be like, pleasestop complaining. I will not. I
will not, I won't.

Unknown (32:31):
This does not make sense to me. I will not. I
Yeah, it doesn't make sense.I'll be honest with you. I don't
mind to get birth

Dr. Raquel Martin (32:39):
Kristen, exactly. So if anyone you know,
once you go to the show notes,and then you get Kristen social
media stuff, and you look at herworkouts, of course, she doesn't
buy worthy. She works outeverything. No, okay, I don't,
yeah, no. And we are not thesame in that fence. We're both
clinicians, but I am not aperson. We're training like her
as well. We don't. We those Venndiagrams do not overlap. We got,

(33:02):
we got the the clinician circlethat, but that's it. That's, of
course, you don't mind it. I'veseen your workouts. I just be
like, where's the that's theone, that's the one I'm gonna do
the modification. That's rightthere, right there. Yeah.

Unknown (33:15):
So what was the modification? Here's, here's
what I think too. So I am inthis current state in my, you
know, capabilities. And I'm aformer athlete too, so I just,
you know, there's a lot ofconditioning there too, you
know, oh, my

Dr. Raquel Martin (33:29):
God. Okay, so that's also messed up. That's
not, that's okay, no, that'sgonna tell me that you also up
your previous athlete too. I

Unknown (33:36):
was, yeah, I played basketball up through college.
Yeah, that's a part of thesituation. So it's scratching
the old itch. Sometimes, youknow, you get raised a certain
way and you just enjoy certainthings. It's the thing. It's
literally a thing.

Dr. Raquel Martin (33:49):
I think I honestly am of the mindset that
once an athlete, always anathlete, just simply because we
did some interviews with likeindividual sports psychologists,
like the person who's the headof NB WNBA, or NBA, mind health
and things like that. And themindset is very different, yes.
So I personally think once anathlete, always an athlete,
because the mindset that youhave to have to do that I

(34:11):
worked. I said I was at amilitary school for a minute,
and one of the guys was, like,once a Marine, always a Marine,
because you have to have thatkind of mindset. I kind of think
the same thing for an athlete.So like, I don't believe in,
like, oh, I used to be anathlete. No, you're still an
athlete. Like, the mindset withthat is

Unknown (34:26):
different, yeah? So when I say former athlete, I'm
like, you're actually talkingyou're calling it out, yeah?
Definitely a mindset. It'sdefinitely a mindset, yeah,
gosh, there's so many thingsthat come with that. Because a
part of my just to pull back inmy personal story, a part of
some of my escapism and numbingand self medicating was around

(34:49):
having to experience no longerbeing that, I guess we could say
an active I don't know whenevermy basketball career was over
with, I
think active, yeah, maybeactive.
That happen, you know? It'slike, wow, this is like, a whole
mentality that I've built in, awhole lifestyle that I've lived
that is no longer like afterthat final buzzer is just over

(35:11):
with, you know, and and so,yeah, there are some things that
follow that that you just keep,I mean, you just always have.
You know what it's like to pushto a certain threshold. You know
what it's like to win somethingthat you have really put in a
lot of time and effort overyears, even, you know, at least
the season, but over years. Andso if you don't have that, and

(35:33):
I'm speaking to the benefits ofit, if you don't have that
mentality, it can be hard tostick with something long term
and see the longevity as beingthe goal. But when you have that
of, like, I started this inninth grade, and this built up
to a scholarship, and then thatbuilt up to a championship all
the way at, you know, age 20 incollege, you can kind of see the

(35:53):
benefit of sticking withsomething and working with it
and being patient over time. Ithink that's, you know, a great
a great skill to have. It canalso be hard to come back into a
sense of normalcy with some ofthat. Like, everything is not,
you know, everything doesn'thave to be, you know, extreme.
You know, giving your 100% looksdifferent on different days.

(36:14):
There's not always something towin. Sometimes you're just doing
something, just to do it. Andwhere else is your identity.
Where else you find community?And those are some things I
struggled with. You know, comingout of my college career was
like, who am I? Okay, where aremy teammates? What are we doing
after class? Like, oh, I'mhaving to, like, figure that
out, or even an injury. I don'tknow what to do with myself when

(36:37):
my my leg won't let me do what Inormally do. You know, Monday
through Friday, yeah. So anyway,that led to, I think that's a
struggle that a lot of athleteshave, but typically, we find our
way into fitness in some realm,and we scratch our itch in that
way. The last thing I'll say,though, is that, you know, we're
all getting older, you know, andso my personal goal is to have a

(37:01):
long life of recovery andstaying sober and fitness is a
part of that. Having an outletmoving my body, helps my mental
health and my anxiety, andparticularly so it that is the
heart. That is why you guys seeme show up, and that's why the
workouts don't always have tolook a certain way, because the
point is taking care of yourbody. We don't have to do the
burpees. Like, okay, okay, cool.We need, yeah, it's cool. It's

(37:24):
cool. We can. Let's get yourupper body strength so that when
you're 70 you can still liftyourself up off of the chair.
Like, let's do and those arelong term, you know, life long
longevity goals. And so that'sthe heart behind the content
that I want to put out. I don'twant to scare people away from
something that's ultimately goodfor them. I don't want them to
feel like they have to live thelife of being an athlete since

(37:47):
age five in order to, you know,do some of the things that I do
and the workouts that I do on mypage, I actually do do those.
It's just heavier weight. Youknow, I'm saying it's like, you
see me with the bicep curl, withthe dumbbells. It's the same
thing. If I were to get heavierweights at the gym, or you see
me do a squat at home in aworkout, it's the same thing.
And so I think sometimes peoplethink that they have to be me or

(38:10):
be a trainer in order to dothose moves, and I just don't
like playing into that, youknow, I want this to work, and
it should be able to work foreverybody. And so that's why I
try to keep things simple andmake it as accessible as
possible, because I don't wantpeople to think they have to be
like me in order to move theirbodies, or like you need a
trainer, you know. So

Dr. Raquel Martin (38:30):
I love that, and I love like the you offer so
many different things when itcomes to services and resources,
and I would say, and like, rolesthat serve the whole body,
right, like, so I think it'slike the epitome of whole well
being, right? Because you are alicensed Marriage and Family
Therapist, you also offercoaching. You're also a personal

(38:51):
trainer. I love that, because Ioften state that, like, you
know, therapy isn't the onlypath to healing, but no matter
what path you take, that's goingto be paved with community. And
I feel as though, when youmentioned, like, going through
that difficult time, and you'rejust like, I needed to find my
community that's very real,because that can be a huge hit,
right? Like, because, yeah, youknow, you might not need
therapy, but you do needcommunity, and so mom, are not

(39:13):
meant to isolate. Can you talkmore about your coaching
services too? Because we talkedabout the personal training,
marriage of therapy. We playedfamily therapist. When you're
doing coaching, what are youfocusing on? Yeah, so

Unknown (39:23):
my coaching program, particularly my be well,
coaching program, which I doenrollment periods for. If
anybody's interested in that, Iwould just suggest that they go
to my website, be three bykristen.com backslash be well.
If you just go to be three bykristen.com you'll get to
everything, but backslash bewell, will send you straight to

(39:44):
my, my primary coaching program.And so what I do is exactly what
we've talked about today, is wepull back the layers and keep
things very simple with thegoals that we set. There is a
understanding of the mentalhealth component. There's some
psychological. That happens.It's not therapy. I want to be
clear about that. It's not atherapy group. It's not, I'm not

(40:05):
in my therapist. We're not goingto just, you know, process and
open up the emotions and sitwith them and that sort of thing
in the program. But there isgoing to be education around how
you got to where you are, mind,body and spirit, you know. So
we're going to unpack somethings in a coaching way.
There's exercises, worksheets,that sort of thing, that kind of

(40:25):
help guide you as you aresetting goals for moving
forward. So it's kind of like abit of understanding, again,
like an educational type offormat with homework and
worksheets and self reflection.And then we're also setting
goals for what's your movementgoal. We do a movement goal. We
do a nutrition goal, which couldbe as much as just drinking 64

(40:45):
ounces of water. I don't providemeal plans, because a lot of the
women that I'm working with havedone a lot of yo yo dieting.
They're, you know, most of thewomen are 35 and up. They've had
a few kids. They live a littlelife. They've done Weight
Watchers. They've done ketotwice. They've done intermittent
fasting five times. They've beentrying to their their hormones

(41:06):
are, you know, imbalanced. Theirmetabolism is all over because
they've been doing too muchtrying to reach a body goal
instead of really being well intheir being, you know. And so
that's what this program isabout. So we explore all of
that. We talk about body image.We talk about messages from your
family around who you are, youknow, and how your narrative

(41:27):
kind of shapes what you thinkyou can do or what you expect
yourself to do. And a lot of,you know, in a lot of goal
setting ways, we talk about, youknow, just negative self talk in
general, in that regard, andthrough that process, I think
it's, it's kind of a, it's agreat jump start. It's not, I
don't sell people on and thenafter my eight week program,
you're going to be able to goand just be, it's like, it's a

(41:48):
framework. And then from there,I work with clients continually.
That program, there's frequent,you know, coaching calls, and
it's really, it's like, acourse, you know. And then after
that, they funnel into myaccountability coaching program
where it's about doing the work.And so sometimes I have clients
that have done the be wellprogram in its in its original

(42:09):
form, and they hop into theaccountability group where we
set monthly goals. We meet on amonthly basis. I check in with
them. We do change theirprogram. They set goals, and we
just continue working. Andthey'll maybe six months, eight
months later, they'll be like,You know what? That one module
that we did on body image,something else came up for me
about why I see my body the wayI do, or why I've always

(42:31):
struggled with and so it's like,through living life and just
staying consistent, becausewe're not doing crazy extremes,
they're actually able to get tothat breakthrough moment that
usually causes them to go backto what feels comfortable, which
is how they were doing things.And so that's that's the nature
of the program. Again, it'seducational in nature, but it's

(42:53):
also definitely execution basedin setting goals and actually
moving forward.

Dr. Raquel Martin (43:01):
What would you say, and I'll end on this,
what would you say are thebiggest differences between a
patient that you're doingcoaching services with versus
someone who you're doing therapyservices with, because I try to
clarify online all the time thatthere are, there's a difference
between coaching and therapy,and There are many clinicians
who provide both services. Ieven remember doing a post about

(43:24):
like you've probably unlessyou're watching couples therapy
on TV, you've probably neverseen a therapy session on TV.

Unknown (43:33):
Cycle education, it is so good. I love that show.
Clinicians love that show. Ihave not met a clinician who did
not love that show because it'slike, okay, like, do I need
to get my notepad out? Like, shedoes such a good job. Okay,
yeah, sorry sidebar,

Dr. Raquel Martin (43:51):
but she really does. But, but what like
from if you have a patient andthey're struggling with some
behavior, what would it looklike for coaching versus what
would it look like in therapy?Because a lot of clinicians do
coaching too, like because weunderstand the utility of it. I
think there's this misconceptionthat, like, oh, we you know, the
therapy is better. No, I don't.I don't know a clinician, a good

(44:13):
one, at least, who doesn't alsounderstand the utility of
coaches? Yes, we are notfighting

Unknown (44:19):
right now, there's there's room for both, for sure,
just as long as everybody ismanaging what they have the
capacity to do, you know, andtheir scope of practice, I think
that's the key. It's not likeit's both. Both sides are
necessary. So for me, I thinkwith therapy, I think, and
again, you know, things overlap,you know, in in intention. But

(44:42):
with therapy, I think about itbeing more experiential and
unpacking that's happening.There are many times that I'm
with the therapist, and this,again, kind of depends on your
therapeutic approach, becauseyou have solution based
therapists that do a lot more ofthat. Okay, let's get into
action that maybe feels likecoaching a. Little bit more. But
in my process, it's a it's aslower, it's a slower process.

(45:05):
And there's not necessarilyanything you need to do with
what you're uncovering. I in myin my approach. So we're
experiencing things, we'reunpacking things, we're
remembering things, we'recrying, we're releasing. And by
way of doing that, yes, there'sgoing to be change, there's
going to be freedom, there'sgoing to be different. To be
different perspective. But I'mnot, at the end of the session
like, okay, so what does thatlook like this week? Okay, what

(45:27):
are you executing? What are youYou know, what I'm saying, What?
What tangibles Are you going totake action on? What's your plan
to be healed? It's kind of justlike a growth process, you know?
That happens. And again, that'sjust my approach to therapy.
Different people have different,different approaches. And so
with coaching, it is more aboutaction based steps and

(45:47):
execution, you know. So we maygo into unpacking what had
happened was with I gotoverwhelmed, and I didn't set
the boundaries that I needed to.So I didn't get to the gym the
way I had planned to, and thenall the meal prep we can talk
about that we can even, youknow, go into what the cycle of
of behavior is habit, you know,what's the habit? What happened?

(46:08):
What did you What did it causeyou to do? But ultimately, we're
back to Okay. And the goal thisweek is, you know, we're going
straight back into execution,action, moving forward. And so
sometimes, if I find the clientshaving a hard time kind of doing
that, it doesn't have to beextreme action. Just has to be,
you know, moving towardssomething. If you do that too

(46:28):
soon, it can kind of make peoplefeel like a failure, like
they're not good enough. When Istart to hear that, that's when
I think, even my coachingclients, I'll tell them, You
know what, I wonder if therapywould be a great compliment for
what we're doing here, so youcan feel like you have the
support of both. I literallywill tell them that, and most of
my client my accountability, youknow, be well coaching clients

(46:49):
have a therapist. I don't feelthreatened by it at all. I'm
like, yes, yes, unpack, unpack.Because when we have this
coaching call on this Monday,we're gonna, I'm gonna hope that
they're a little freer, so thatthey can take a step with us in
this group. And if that'sholding them back, let them
unpack it all month long, andthen we can come back in. And so

(47:10):
that's what I would say,experiencing sitting with
unpacking for therapy, and thenaction and execution, more more
focused in that way, withcoaching. Thank

Dr. Raquel Martin (47:20):
you. And I'm gonna end on one more thing, as
someone who focuses on likemarriage and family therapy and
couples and talking about likerelationship with themselves and
the way it helps with theirrelationship with others. Do you
have any I don't know if I sayrecommendations, but like it
seems, I feel like theconversation about couples has

(47:42):
been happening way more lately.And maybe it's not more. Maybe
it's just like the access toeveryone having podcasts and
stuff like that is more. Isthere anything that you feel as
though people should look forand a partner when it comes to
like, a healthier relationship,like a sign that this is a
healthier relationship? BecauseI think a lot of people are also

(48:05):
coming out of toughrelationships, and they may not
know how to recognize somethingthat is better for them and
their well

Unknown (48:11):
being. Yeah, I think without, I think what happens in
social media is that people aretrying to, like, pick apart
different behaviors anddifferent things to say, this is
what qualifies. This is whatdoesn't qualify. And although
there are some, you know,principles to that, I think that
for me as a marriage and familytherapist and the therapist in

(48:32):
general, the more you know, themore you realize we're very
complex people, and we've allbeen through something, nobody's
going to be perfect. Everybody'sgot their family. I always
picture Everybody's got theirown family, genogram that's
following them around with alltheir stuff, the things that
they come to the table with. Andso what I in addition to some
red flags, maybe yellow flags,we call them, instead of just

(48:54):
seeing it as a hard No, it couldbe, I need to ask more questions
about that. I need to getclarity about that. I need to
see what they're doing aboutthat. I think committee, the
approach to what you're seeingcould be a little different. I
think we're a little triggerhappy in social media, where
it's just like, if that, ifthat's if I see that it's over
with, I can't handle this. Ican't do that. As opposed to,
hmm, I enjoy this person. Can Iset some boundaries so that

(49:16):
they're not, you know, so thatwe are both, remain safe, but
also learning more about howthey got to be, how they are,
and then also, what is theirposture in doing something about
it? Are they aware that theytend to, you know, do this or do
that? Are they willing to go andget help with it? Are they
exploring change? Do they wantchange? I think that's more of a

(49:38):
green flag to be, rather thanthe stuff they actually bring
you know what I'm saying? It'slike, okay, yes, everybody's
probably been through some sortof trauma. So we could just
check that off. If you need tosee somebody who's trauma free,
then you're probably not goingto find anybody, you know, but,
but you can say, and what havethey been doing about it? You
know what I'm saying, and whatwork are they actively doing to.

(50:00):
Heal from it, and if they dohave a misstep in some way,
that's not a deal breaker. Butstill, you know, off putting, do
they ask? Do they make amends?Do they say, Hey, I messed up?
Do they take accountability? Youknow, those are the things that
I try to help people use as aframework, rather than trying to
rule in or rule out based off oflike characteristics and

(50:23):
behaviors and life. If thatmakes sense, it

Dr. Raquel Martin (50:26):
makes perfect sense, because the best apology
is accountability and changebehavior, right? Taking someone
to the store isn't apologizing,buying them a bag is not
apologizing, getting them aRoblox card is not apologizing.
Apologizing, is apologizing, anddoing that with change behavior

Unknown (50:42):
that's Well, thank

Dr. Raquel Martin (50:43):
you so much. Tell the people where they can
find you and all of youramazingness. Are you accepting
clients

Unknown (50:48):
right now? Yes and no, I would say, just, just reach
out to me on my website, for fortherapy, for therapy. I'm kind
of, you know, October, goinginto the holidays, can be kind
of a point where it's a lot ofinquiries coming in, but it's
games. But I'll never say,don't, yeah, I've never, never
reach out to me. You know, younever know what the timing is.
Actually, just had somebody thatwe reconnected after several

(51:09):
weeks of not being able to syncup, and the timing is right now.
So am I accepting clients rightnow? Maybe, depending on when
you hear this, but, you know,reach out to me anyway and
connect, and I can keep you inmind for future situations that
you know I may be able to workwith you, as far as just reach
me in general, A, b3, bykristen.com is my website. That
is where you will find all thethings I do. Like to let people

(51:31):
know I'm either your therapistor I'm your coach. I cannot be
both. So just keep that in mindwhen you're reaching out to
begin your work. Just kind ofunderstanding like we said, you
want the mentor, you want thepsychologist? Like you got to
decide. So, but you can find theresources to everything there
be. Well, we'll be back open forenrollment in early 2025 like a

(51:52):
spring enrollment. So if you'reinterested in that, I would
suggest becoming a subscriber onmy website, so that you see when
those updates come about, theenrollment. Go ahead and get
your name on the list for that,and then Instagram is my name at
Kristen theapster, you can findeverything link in the bio, all
the workouts that Dr Raquellikes. You can find all that
good stuff there. And I alsohave a beginner style focused

(52:15):
programs for workouts. Andthat's just something that I
just like to always have,because I understand that you
don't always need the extremeweight loss plan. Some people
just need something simple threetimes a week. And so those are
the types of programs I provide,but you can find that on
Instagram or on my website,perfect.

Dr. Raquel Martin (52:32):
Well, thank you so much for coming on the
show. All of the informationwill also be in the show notes.
You guys know, we always includethe links in the show notes too,
because, you know, at thispoint, some of y'all just got to
work, and y'all over here doingyour breathing exercises before
you get to work, or your childand walked in and started
screaming for snacks during thelast part of it. So I always put
all the information in the shownotes too. And as always,

(52:54):
remember to be kind to yourself.Two steps forward and one step
back is still one step forward.That is just math. And have a
good rest of your day.