Treat Children Like Guests (Not As Suspect)

"A few days ago during pickup at our little schoolhouse, a mom shows up to get her daughter, who is 3 yrs old. ..."

A story about how we treat children -- and how we might change things around for the benefit of us all

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
The educator Dr.
Maria Montessori once said, The childdeveloping harmoniously, and the adult
improving himself at his side, make avery exciting and attractive picture.
Welcome to Montessori Education with me,Jesse McCarthy, where we talk raising
children and educating students, whilebettering ourselves right alongside them.

(00:26):
I'm going to share a story with youfrom a few days ago at our little
schoolhouse here during pickuptime, when a mom shows up to get her
daughter who, she's three years old.
I was outside with the kids at thetime, and I said to this woman's
daughter, who was a bit far away fromme, playing with the other children,
I'm like, "Hey," I'm just going to callher Sophia, "Sophia, your mom's here."

(00:48):
Now, I'm looking over at Sophia, whoseemed a bit hesitant, you know, that
kind of look on her face like, 'I don'twant to go' uh, but she had some self
discipline and she comes running our way.
Now, as this happens, you know,her mom and I are just chatting,
Sophia turns around and runs backto where all the other children are.
At this moment, my gut, which I didnot question, but just acted on was

(01:12):
like, 'Oh, she's going to try to stay.'
So I call over to her, and thistime with a bit firmer voice,
"Sophia, it's time to go."
And then her mom joins andbasically does the same thing,
calling for her to come over.
And this is a very chill mom, soit wasn't aggressive or anything
Now when I called to Sophia, Imyself wasn't angry or upset, but

(01:36):
I no doubt had that voice of youknow, It's time to stop playing.
Well I came to learn what Sophiawas actually doing when I called her
over to, you know, get to her mom asit's time to go: She was cleaning up.
Like, to be exact, she was picking upthe toy that she had been using, um,

(01:56):
to go put it away so that she didn'tleave anything out on the playground.
It was one of those badminton rackets,the kind that people use on the beach as
a fun little game, you know, hitting thatbirdie thing back and forth to each other.
Uh, anyways, the fact is that this littlegirl was running back toward the other
children not to go back to playing.
So not to defy me or her mom.

(02:19):
But to literally clean up.
Yet my first reaction, my gut reaction,was that she was trying to stall.
You know, trying to go backto playing, which she wasn't
supposed to be doing, of course.
Now, I don't want to blowthis out of proportion, right?
This is a minor mishap on my part.
Again, I wasn't angry at her.
I didn't raise my voice or yell, anddefinitely the same with her mom.

(02:42):
But, and as I told Mom in the moment,I reacted from gut, from this emotion,
and I think this is important becauseI've been working with children
for 20 years now, and I'm includingbeing a dad to my own child over the
last two years, and I literally headMontessoriEducation.com and speak on
how we can be better with children,yet, despite this, at times my gut

(03:07):
still is partly suspicious of children.
Now, kind of getting to why that is,why so many of us parents and teachers
treat children as suspect, even if justin a minor way like this, uh, that's
a topic, deep topic for another day.
Today, all I want to do is give you thislittle anecdote from our school house

(03:29):
and from, you know, me in particular,and I want to do it for a couple reasons.
One, just to let you know that if youfind yourself in such a situation.
Obviously not exactly with a badmintonracket, but you get the point.
That you are definitely not alone.
Not even close.
As Maria Montessori even oncesaid, "I have myself, sometimes,

(03:50):
been too severe with a child."
... For those that know MariaMontessori, they sometimes are
like, Are you sure she said that?
So you can check it out for yourself.
It's in The Absorbent Mind.
Anyhow, the idea here is not toguilt and shame ourselves when we
mess up, but rather to improve.
You know, the better we are,the better kids are going to be.

(04:11):
Um, so that's one reasonI wanted to share this.
Again, no reason to beat ourselvesup, let's just get better the
next time, keep working at it.
Uh, and the other reason I'm sharingthis story is to actually give you
a couple ways to to get better.
Not just talk about this, but like here'ssome real actionable items you can do that
have helped me immensely over the years.
These two tips, or really ways oflife, have made my interaction with

(04:33):
children so much, so much better.
And that's kind of in contrast tobeing confrontational with them,
just being angry a lot, any of that.
So the quick of it is that, one, Iobserve a lot, and two, I give kids
the benefit of the doubt, or assomeone I really admire, the late
Haim Ginott put it, I treat childrenlike I would treat a guest in my home.

(04:57):
I'll get to both of these points,but I'll start on OBSERVING,
which I believe is the basis ofeverything in working with children.
I really ask myself, "Whatis actually happening?"
Not what I think is happening,but what is actually happening.
Obviously, I failed with this wholesituation with, uh, Sophia on the
playground, and just imagine if Iwould've just stopped and, you know, I

(05:20):
got this gut reaction, if I would've juststopped and observed to see, okay, gimme
a moment, what is she actually doing?
I would've seen, she's picking upthe badminton racket and bringing
it back and putting it away.
End of story.
But instead, I reacted, not onwhat I was actually seeing, but
what I thought I was seeing.
So, observe, observe, observe.
I actually have a wholepodcast episode on observation.

(05:41):
I highly recommend you go check thatout, because it basically gives you, the
step by step way to go about observing,that I learned when I was being trained
in Montessori, and man, it's been sohelpful ever since so check that out.
The second point isn't quite asfoundational as Observe, but it's it's
been super helpful for me, and I knowa lot of other parents, uh gain and

(06:02):
teachers gain tremendously from this.
So basically it's Treatchildren like guests.
Again I got this from theman named Haim Ginott.
If you're unfamiliar with him, he wasthe mentor of the women who wrote that
book, How to Talk So Children Will Listenand How to Listen So Children Will Talk.
He is the he's the OG.
This guy is amazing with children.
Now, instead of me just blabbering onabout him and his ideas about treating

(06:25):
children like guests, I'm just goingto have him speak for himself, because
happily, we have a recording from atalk show he did way back in the days.
Just two notes before we hop in:
One, he was a psychologistworking with children.
And two, the clip begins with awoman asking him a question or
kind of commenting on his views.
And then we get to the good stuff.
So here we go.

(06:45):
When you have a theory, which is atleast the first time I heard it, and
it's now something that people havebegun to accept more, Which at the
time now seems so logical and at thetime seemed very new and it works
with husbands and wives I mean Whichwas that you don't blame the person.
You talked about the spilled milk.
You don't say stupid, but thatyou're angry at the object.

(07:06):
It's a whole, it's a whole wayof arguing and of dealing with,
of communicating with people.
Barbara, I, I compared.
What is the difference between myresponse to a child in psychotherapy,
shall we say, and a parent'sresponse in the same situation?
Suppose a child came into my playroomand he turned around and he turned
over some, uh, a glass of, of water.
My natural response, without thinkingspontaneously, would be, Oh, the

(07:31):
water spilled, here is a sponge.
Now, the principle that I use is, Don'tsay anything to the child about himself.
Do not attack his character.
Do not attack his personality.
Do not attack his dignity.
The principle is, Here is theproblem, here is the solution.
Parents, because of their own upbringing,have a native tongue of rejection.

(07:56):
A native tongue of attack.
And what we try to do now, isto give them another language.
And this is a language ofcompassion, and a language of caring.
After all, it's as easy to say to achild, The milk spilled, here is a sponge.
By the way, parents know it.
Especially when guests come.
Have you ever seen when a guestcomes to your home and spills,

(08:19):
shall we say, a glass of wine?
Would you say to him, Listen,next time if you do it once
more, you're never going to pay.
That's the last timethat you are in our home.
Besides, where were you brought up?
In the jungle?
That's where you belong, you know.
Somehow, to guests, wedon't talk like this.
I always ask parents, what would youdo if a guest came to your home and

(08:41):
forgot, shall we say, his umbrella?
Would you say to him, Every time youcome to our home, you forget something.
If it's not one thing, it's another.
Mrs.
Smith, I want to live to see the daywhen you come to my home, you remember
to take all your belongings with you.
I'm not your slave to pick up after you.

(09:03):
Or, would you say to himsomething like a comparison?
Why can't you be like your younger sister?
When she visits, she remembersto take all the things home.
Somehow we know how to talk to guests.
My idea is that we need to talk tochildren the way we talk to guests,
meaning protective of their feelings.

(09:24):
So that's Ginott.
I'm not going to add much towhat he said because he's, he's
I love the way that man speaks.
I just, he's, he's just apersonal hero of mine, a mensch.
Um, if you want to know more about hiswork, or learn more about how to be
with children, the way that he's talkingabout, I would definitely recommend
checking out Between Parent and Child.
Haim Ginott is the only otherperson apart from Maria Montessori

(09:47):
that I recommend unconditionally.
So, there,, I mean, there's little thingsthat I might disagree with either of
them on, but just, they're just suchstrong individuals and have aided me
with children over the years that Ijust say, run to get that man's book.
And those are really the pointsI want to get across to you.
So again, this treat children likeguests and then going back to observe.

(10:09):
Observe, observe, observe.
And realistically that ultimatelycame from Maria Montessori.
One book I can recommend, uh, ofhers, it's really a compilation
of writings of hers, is calledMaria Montessori Speaks to Parents.
Both of these, Between Parent and Childand then Maria Montessori Speaks to
Parents, they really can be read anddevoured, really, hopefully, by anybody.

(10:32):
So teachers, parents, anyone whoactually interacts with children.
So, If you are not picking upwhat I'm putting down, I'm saying
go out and get those books.
I really think you will thank me for that.
Okay, that is actually all I got for you.
Somewhat short and sweet.
Um, oh yeah, quick note.
If you are listening to this episode inthe month it is released, know that I will
be off for July, so no podcast episode.

(10:55):
If you happen to be in Southern Californianext month, however, July 10th to be
exact, you can come meet me live, as Iwill be giving a talk in Los Angeles.
I will share that infosoon, probably on the list.
So if you are not on the list, goover to MontessoriEducation.com
and join our email list.
It's all free and so forth.
Uh, and you can always write me,Jesse, [e-mail].

(11:18):
I'm Jesse McCarthy, ifyou don't recall that.
And that is really it, so thanks forhopping on, it's always fun being with
you guys, and adios until next time.