December 31, 2024 • 39 mins
Ep 66: Embrace the Real You: Ditch the 'New Year, New You' Myth
Summary of the episode
The latest episode of noseyAF dives into the concept of self-acceptance versus the pervasive "New Year, New You" mentality that often pressures individuals to completely reinvent themselves each January. Host Stephanie Graham reflects on her own experiences and goals from the past year, emphasizing the importance of self-trust and embracing who we already are. Guest Valerie Friedlander expands on this idea, discussing how societal expectations can lead to feelings of inadequacy and the harmful messaging that something is inherently wrong with us. Instead of striving to become someone new, the conversation encourages listeners to reclaim their true selves and recognize the value of their unique identities. This thought-provoking dialogue invites everyone to step into 2025 with self-acceptance and a commitment to honoring their authentic selves.
Takeaways:
- The New Year, new you mantra is often toxic, pushing unrealistic expectations on individuals.
- Instead of trying to reinvent ourselves, we should focus on reclaiming our true selves.
- Reflecting on the past year can help us set more authentic intentions for the future.
- Building self-trust is key to personal development, rather than conforming to external pressures.
- Embracing who we are allows for more genuine connections with ourselves and others.
- Recognizing that our perceived flaws can actually be strengths is essential for growth.
Chapters:
- 00:01 - Welcome to Nosy: Conversations About Art and Activism
- 04:16 - Embracing the New Year as Your True Self
- 14:38 - Reclaiming Yourself: The Journey to Authenticity
- 17:59 - Embracing Your True Self
- 26:30 - Understanding Self Through Personality Assessments
- 34:15 - Building Self Trust and Relationships
All about Valerie
Valerie is a compassionate and creative coach dedicated to helping individuals, particularly women, break free from internalized patterns that limit their potential. With a deep understanding of societal pressures and the unique challenges faced by empathetic individuals, Valerie empowers clients to align with their most powerful selves and channel their energy toward meaningful work.
Her coaching philosophy emphasizes that transforming internalized patterns not only amplifies one’s impact on the world but also fosters intentional, joyful relationships in all areas of life. Known for her empathetic and engaging style, Valerie guides clients through a creative and fun process that honors their humanity and intuition, uncovering personalized solutions that lead to lasting change.
Resources mentioned in this episode
You Were Born For This by Chani Nicholas
🚨Lofi Beats for you to lay on the couch!🚨
Fun Personality Tests:
Enneagram (read up on this one though folks...
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, nosy friends.
Welcome, and welcome back toNosy if conversations about art,
activism, and social change.
I am your friend and host,Stephanie Graham, and I would personally
like to welcome you to thelast day of 2024.
(00:20):
The crowd.
Katt Williams told us.
He.
He told us, y'all.
I still remember sending theKatt Williams on Club Shay interview
to my friend Felicia.
Katt Williams told us that2024 was going to be a wild year.
And he wasn't wrong.
(00:43):
It's been crazy.
As the year wraps up, I'vebeen reflecting on all that's happened
and thinking about what I wantfor 2025.
And I wonder if you've donethe same.
Well, have you?
Have you?
If not, no judgment.
(01:05):
Because, you know, if you'rebored and looking for something meaningful
to do today, I guess today.
Because 2025 starts tomorrow.
I mean, even more tomorrow.
Even for tomorrow, I highlyrecommend, you know, some, like,
reflection.
Just chill on your couch, youknow, put, like, some lo fi beats
(01:26):
on and just reflect.
This year has flown by and Igotta tell y'all something.
I missed so many goals.
I made way too many goals.
And I was, like, going through.
I have a little goal tracker.
I'm just, like, missed,missed, missed.
Dang.
But I am super proud of what Idid accomplish this year, and this
(01:51):
show is at the top of this list.
And I really, really, really,really, really, really, really, really,
really, really, really,really, really want to thank you
for being a part of it.
Speaking of the new year, I'mdoing something special today.
I have a feed drop featuringan episode of Unlimited by my friend
Valerie Friedlander.
(02:13):
And Valerie is diving deepinto something that's marketed to
us 80s babies and 90s kids ever.
So if you are past that, like,if you are a current baby, you might
not know about all this, butit is the infamous New Year new you.
(02:33):
So you've heard it everywhere.
That idea that you need toreinvent yourself every January.
And let me tell you something.
Do not talk about this around Valerie.
She will snatch your edgesbecause she is definitely not about
that life.
Instead, instead, like,Valerie, she's, like all.
She, like, leans into, like,the New Year as you, like, move into
(02:56):
the New Year as you.
Who you are, you're perfect.
And in this episode, shebreaks down on, like, why that whole
New Year, new you messaging issuper toxic and how we need to shift
toward an idea of self trust,reclaiming our inner child, and then
(03:17):
building a year that supportsus as we already are.
Which is cool because thatmeans that we ain't got to do nothing
but just chill.
I love chilling.
You heard me just tell you toreflect by playing some lo fi beats
and laying on the couch or onthe floor or sitting at a chair,
wherever you want to be.
(03:39):
So, I don't know.
I think this is a good episodebecause it's like, look, this year
flew by.
We don't have time to be doingall that, you know, all these goals
and stuff, like, trying todecide, like, how we're going to
reinvent ourselves.
No, we are all set, perValerie and per the Lord.
(04:01):
Amen.
So I hope you enjoy this episode.
Episode of Unlimited.
And you know what?
Let's hear what Valerie has to say.
And cheers to stepping into2025 as you.
Hey there.
I'm Valerie Friedlander,certified life business alignment
coach, and this is Unlimited.
(04:22):
This podcast bridges theindividual and the societal, scientific
and spiritual, positive and negative.
Nerdy.
And no, there's just a lot of nerdy.
Come on board, and let'sunlock a light that's as badass as
you are.
(04:45):
We're gonna dive in right offthe bat with the problem around this
whole new year, new you thing.
And what it is is that at theroot of it is this idea that you
need to be other than you.
So we're starting a new year,and it's time to be not you.
(05:09):
You need a new you, becausethe you that you had last year isn't
good enough.
It didn't cut it.
It didn't have what you wanted.
It has smaller than you wantto be or whatever.
All of the stuff.
Stuff.
The societal stuff that'slike, okay, let's shed that and do
this new thing.
Okay, so I've already talkedlast year about the whole issue with
(05:33):
kind of kicking things off atthe beginning of the year anyway.
There is momentum to makingchanges this time of year just because
there's that societal momentum.
But there can also be thisreal pressure to do things beginning
of the year.
And if you don't do it now,then you just won't do it.
And that is not true.
(05:55):
That kind of pressure canactually make it so that you don't
do it.
Because for most of us, ourstress response is avoidance.
It's the freeze and flee.
So if that's your stressresponse, if you feel stressed, you
are more likely to not do thething to avoid the thing.
I was just working with aclient the other day, actually, who
(06:16):
was like, I really want toexercise and want to move my body.
And we explored, of course,like, what is exercise?
What is movement?
And all of that sort of stuff.
But this desire to exercisecoupled with the should around exercising,
she was both, oh, I know Ifeel better when I do this.
(06:39):
But because it was coupledwith that should where she was kind
of beating herself up over,you need to do this, you should be
doing this, you should bedoing this.
She was naturally avoiding itbecause there was guilt and all this
weight around it and stressresponses to avoid the guilt and
the weight and the yucky feelings.
So when we couple what we wantwith the pressure that you have to
(07:03):
do it or you should do it,it's very common to avoid doing it.
And you're like, why am Iavoiding this?
Well, because you're beatingyourself up, overdoing it.
So, therefore, anyway, so backto the idea that, well, there's something
wrong with you.
And there is a large story inour society around there being something
(07:26):
wrong with you, especially forpeople in marginalized communities.
So this idea that, all right,something's wrong with you, someone
else knows better and can fixyou, and that's what the marketing
is.
That's what all the messagingis, the advertisements, all of the
(07:46):
things pushing you to buy andspend money and get stuff.
It's this sense thatsomething's wrong with you, you don't
have enough.
You need to be fixed, and youneed to spend money to be fixed,
and I'm the one who can fix you.
We are conditioned to believethis, to believe that there is something
(08:07):
wrong with us.
I was just spending a littletime with bell hooks who.
Well, not personally, thoughthat would have been amazing.
But she passed away recently,and I found a quote from her that
said, the wounded child insidemany females is a girl who was taught
(08:27):
from early childhood on thatshe must become something other than
herself, deny her truefeelings in order to attract and
please others.
Ugh.
So that hit me really hardbecause that is something that very
much resonates.
This need to feel safe, tofeel secure, to.
(08:50):
To have people validate mebecause I didn't feel like I belonged.
I was told that I was toogirly, I was too fat, I was too smart,
you know, And.
And how many of you haveexperienced that too muchness and
being told that you need tomake yourself less to make others
(09:14):
more comfortable?
I'm betting that most of you,whatever your identities, but especially
for those of you withidentities that are other than white
male heteronormative cisgenderpeople, have experienced a lot of
that at varying levels andfrom a variety of spaces.
(09:37):
Now, I will say right herethat I believe that these Things
also impact everyone invarious ways that they're harmful
to all people.
However, it's important torecognize that there are layers to
that within society.
For me personally, I haveexperienced this with, you know,
(09:57):
being the.
The little girl in the fluffytutu, the purple fluffy tutu who
prances around with bigdreams, imagining being she Ra and
riding on swift wind and beinga hero leading people.
I was the ringleader on theplayground, coming up with all the
(10:19):
imaginary games.
We had such fun.
And then things changed.
And at a time where I wasparticularly lonely and my parents
were especially emotionallyunavailable, available, I had peers
around me who were telling methat I was too much in a variety
of ways.
(10:40):
Too girly, too fat were somekey ones for me that I.
And I didn't feel understoodand I didn't feel seen.
And I thought, oh, I just haveto try harder.
And I learned to be achameleon to fit in.
And I found that if I couldmake other people feel better, then
(11:00):
I was safer.
And so I learned to hide mypower and instead try and hold up
other people's.
Now, I say this because thereare pieces in here that are part
of me and places where Ilearned patterns that suppressed
(11:25):
who I was and the way I couldplay powerfully.
I also hear from clients thatthe story especially prevalent in
our society around being lazy,like, you can't rest until you're
done.
And most of us, though thiswasn't said directly to me, internalize
this from our schooling.
(11:45):
You need to keep working topush yourself.
You got to get the work done,otherwise you'll get a failing grade.
So you can't rest till you're done.
If you need to rest, thatmeans you're going to fail.
Taking time, taking up spacemeans that you're going to take away
from someone else.
And we develop this fear ofletting other people down or hurting
(12:06):
other people because weinternalize that as our responsibility
as children, because that'swhat children do, is everything's
about them.
So all of these things we takeon and they feed into the ways and
like the layers of.
Of crust that gets built uparound us, shining as brightly as
(12:29):
we could.
This impact, you know, peoplewho are neurodivergent, who have
differing abilities, mentallyand physically, who it is just across
the board.
If you don't fit into what isidealized in our society, if you
can contort yourself intofitting into that, then you do, which
(12:49):
is harmful to you.
But then oftentimes then weperpetuate that harm onto other people
to try and bolster our own positioning.
That's a big one.
And it's something that I'vehad to do a lot of looking at as
a white, cisgender,heteronormative woman in the United
(13:11):
States who is able bodied andfairly neuronormative and all of
that, like really looking atthose layers of privilege and the
places where we'veinternalized the stories that then
both restrict our own abilityand perpetuate harm on others.
And anyway, I say all of thatbecause it's why this story is so
(13:35):
problematic that there'ssomething wrong with you, because
it blocks our ability to learnand to grow.
It creates this crust ofrigidity that doesn't allow you to
be expansive.
And being expansive means thatyou lean into what your gifts are
and who you are.
And there's a.
There's a strength in who you are.
(14:01):
So what do you do differentlythan this whole new year new you
and trying to be different?
Because I, I mean, I advocatechange, right?
Change is great.
If you want somethingdifferent, you need to do something
different.
But does it mean you have tobe someone different?
In some ways, yes.
(14:21):
So it's really though, in mybelief that it's not about at the
core of you being something different.
It's about removing theobstacles to being you, your true
you, your expansive you.
So when I say, what if youwere reclaiming yourself this year?
(14:43):
What if this year you could bethe most you possible, what do you
think about that?
How does that feel differentlyfor you if you think about being
the most you possible versus anew you, like somebody else?
Now there may be some of youwho are like, okay, that actually
(15:08):
doesn't sound so great.
Because I don't want to be me.
Because I want to be the, likethis other person who is offering
something, who looks likethis, who does these things, who
has these other things.
I want to be that person.
Because the person that I amright now is.
Is a mess, is a hot mess.
(15:28):
It's uncomfortable.
I.
I don't like it.
I don't like the person I amright now.
I want to be somebody else orthe person who has the life that
I have right now.
I want to be someone who hasthis other life that is totally understandable.
There are plenty of reasonsthat being you could be unappealing
(15:49):
and difficult.
And something else sounds way better.
The thing I encourage you toremember, especially if you're doing
the comparison thing right,judging your insides by other people's
outsides, which is somethingthat I have done plenty of.
And yeah, it's it's not, it'snot very fun knowing that you don't
(16:12):
know their whole life.
You can't possibly know theirwhole life.
It's very easy to fall intothat in social media.
It's something that is a hugeproblem actually with social media
is it becomes so easy to judgeyour insides by other people's outsides.
What you see is what you thinkyou want and that is tied to, to
(16:37):
who you think you'll be andthe way you think you'll experience
life differently if you have that.
So let me just say that againbecause I think it's really important
to remember that a lot oftimes we think we want what someone
else has.
Something in particular, maybeit's an amount of money, you know,
(16:58):
all the stuff around, likebecome a seven figure business or
a six figure business, evenlike make more money, have more success,
love your job, all of thosethings, the specifics of those things,
you know, have the cleanhouse, the big house on the hill,
like whatever it is, thosethings are tied to who you think
(17:23):
that you'll be and, or the waythat you think you'll experience
life differently if you have that.
What I want you to know isthat you don't have to be not you
to have that experience oflife that you want.
You do not have to be not you.
(17:45):
You can be you and have that.
Actually trying to be otherthan you and have that experience
of life that you want won'tactually work.
It might work temporarily, butit's not sustainable to have an experience
(18:07):
of life that isn't tied to whoyou are.
So who you are leaning intothat person and removing all the
crap that you've beenconditioned to believe about who
you are, as well as engagingthe structures in society that perpetuate
(18:28):
that conditioning and theobstacles that it then generates
is the key to having theexperience that you want.
So it's.
If you can divorce those twothings, that experience and that
thing tangibly, it's not thatthey don't necessarily go together,
but how you achieve that andwhat that actually looks like for
(18:51):
you may be different.
So removing all of that crap,you know, stop trying to be someone
else, because by doing thatagain, you participate in the perpetuation
of these problematicnarratives of being someone else
and that this is the goal andthis is the ideal way to be.
(19:11):
And based on your positioningin society, then you're likely to
perpetuate the harm that hurtsnot just you, but other people.
And I'm pretty sure most ofyou people who have taken on that,
like, I don't want to hurtother people.
I want to help other people.
And like me, you know, doingthat whole, like, trying to help
(19:31):
other people to feel okaywithin myself instead of the opposite,
which has taken a lot of selfwork to go, oh, if I learn how to
develop my relationship withme and be my best self, be my most
me, then I naturally supportother people being that rather than
(19:52):
fixing them, because I really,truly believe you don't need to be
fixed.
There's nothing wrong with you.
There's just oftentimes a lotof crap that we've internalized.
So it's time to free thatlittle girl that got lost somewhere
along the way from family,friends, society, school, all that
(20:16):
stuff to free her from the boxthat you were taught to put her in,
to be acceptable, to be safeso that she wouldn't get hurt from
the people around her thatwere threatened by her, that felt
her power and were threatenedby it.
So it's normal, it's naturalif you put her in a box to keep her
(20:39):
safe, that there's nothingwrong with you that you did that
either.
So I think that's alsoimportant to remember that there's
nothing wrong that that happened.
There's nothing wrong aboutyou that that happened.
You don't actually have toknow where that little girl went.
You don't have to know wherethe box is or where you put it down
(21:00):
or whatever.
It's just knowing that she'sthere, that you are her, that she
is you.
She's part of you.
And you've learned more thingsthat you can release and some things
that you'll carry with you.
Along these lines, it'simportant to remember a lot of times
we think of, oh, we have thesecharacter defects and these things
(21:22):
are things that we don't wantanymore, that we want to let go of.
These are things that arecontributing to that person that
you don't want to be.
So then, you know, you want tolet go of those things to be the
new you.
And I would like to posit toyou that those character defects
aren't actually defects.
They are assets that have run amok.
(21:46):
They have expanded in waysthat maybe they don't belong in.
Maybe they're.
They're misplaced.
They're focused on somethinglike, for example, fixing other people
instead of listening, insteadof holding space for someone.
Maybe they're misunderstood.
Maybe they're assets thatscared other people and then they
(22:08):
wanted to make smaller.
Right?
Those.
Those places where that littlegirl got put in the box.
So for example, things like,you know, I personally, I struggle
with details.
I am not someone who remembers details.
So I love history, but I couldnot tell you.
I like testing on, on history.
Like when I did ape history,like, no, that did not go well.
(22:32):
I'm excellent.
However, connecting dots and abig picture, hearing how things relate
to each other.
So I thought, oh, this is adefect that I can't remember details.
But actually what it did wasit kept me from getting lost in those
details and allows me to beable to see connections in a different
(22:53):
way than maybe someone who isinto details is.
Now that doesn't mean thatdetails are not good.
It's just, that's not my gift.
I have a client who's unableto focus for long periods, which
is pretty common for peoplewho have adhd.
But they light up with variety.
So this inability to focus onone thing may be seen as a defect,
(23:18):
but what is the, what is thecorresponding asset to that?
And that is she is amazingwith multitasking.
She can pick up this thing andthat thing and move smoothly through
different things and lovesthat variety.
So being able to recognizelike, okay, what are, what are these
things that I'm labeling asdefects and how do they actually
(23:39):
play?
Like, where are they assets?
Where could they actually be beneficial?
Taking a look at that andmaybe taking out of this needs to
be fixed and maybe this justneeds to be placed differently.
If you think about like in acompany, someone might not be great
in one position, but they'damazing in a different position.
So, you know, take a look at that.
One of the things as we'rereconnecting to ourselves is a lot
(24:01):
of times people lovepersonality assessments.
I tend to attract people to mewho love personality assessments.
And you know, I, I also do.
Because the thing is,personality assessments help us validate
ourselves.
It helps us place ourselves,it helps us connect in an initial
way.
It's like a, a step towardsself understanding.
(24:22):
But it's really important toremember that it's just a step towards
self understanding.
Just one step.
It allows us to take all ofthe learned judgment because our
brains like patterns.
So we tend to judge things andput them into the boxes that we're
familiar with.
To be able to, to use thatjudgment to go, oh, this is this,
(24:42):
this is this.
Oh, that makes sense.
That's why this, the next stepis being able to step out of that
judgment using that validationof, oh, there's nothing wrong with
me.
This is, this is part of myway of being.
This is part of who I am.
And then into a space ofcuriosity and an ability to have
a relationship with yourself.
Because the thing to rememberis a relationship is constantly evolving.
(25:06):
It's not fixed, it's notstatic, it's dynamic.
So maybe you love personality assessments.
Take that as information as apiece of you.
Now, I think it's interestingif you, like, do a lot of personality
assessments, you can kind ofsee some threads throughout.
So just to give you a little.
A little more of a sense of.
Of me from that.
(25:28):
I'm an enfp.
Or at least last time I tookthis assessment because, you know,
some people find certainassessments don't work well for them.
But as an enfp, I'm people centered.
I'm a creator with a focus on possibilities.
Warm, passionate, contagiously enthusiastic.
I love to help people exploretheir potential.
And they're often artistic.
(25:50):
Oh yeah, all right, thatsounds familiar.
I'm an enneagram4.
Now, I.
There's a wing here that Idon't remember what it is, but it
definitely offsets.
These Enneagram Fours tend tobe like, kind of reserved.
Definitely not that.
But they also want to beunique and experience deep, authentic
emotions.
They're inspired and highlycreative, with a tendency to be dramatic.
(26:13):
Oh, I don't know anybody like that.
Moody and self conscious.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a questioner in the four tendencies.
I value reason and purpose andwant to understand why something
should be done.
I picked up the Evo Plannerbecause it has a personality assessment
component with it.
Now, I can't.
Can't advocate for it becauseI haven't actually used it.
I'm.
(26:34):
I am one of those Plannerhoarders working on that.
I'm an alchemist in the EvoPlanner, so desiring variety and
constantly learning, as wellas seeking new ways to creatively
use and share my knowledge and inspiration.
Anybody else seeing a pattern here?
I recently also dug into ChaniNicholas's you were born for this
(26:58):
book Astrology for radicalself acceptance and found.
I am an Aries in the eighthhouse with moon in Libra and rising
sign in Virgo, which meansthat my purpose lies in tapping people
into their skills resources tohelp free us all from the shackles
of rules based in lies andcreate a more expansive, harmonious
(27:21):
way of being being.
Because I need beauty andjustice and balance.
And I thrive makingconnections and helping others feel
witnessed.
I am driven by taking inknowledge and sharing it in a way
that is useful and practical.
And I need partnerships tofeel centered in my ability to communicate
well.
(27:41):
So, yeah, I mean, all of thatsounds very like, that's very affirming.
Like all.
There's a pattern in there.
I can definitely see how itall relates together and all of that.
And it can be really helpful.
I do appreciate the way Chanitalks about how this is just a step
towards self understanding.
So like I was saying before,it's a way to kind of understand
(28:04):
ourselves.
So she talks about how theplanets are actors and the signs
that they're in are like theircostumes and the houses that they're
in are like the sets.
Which as a theater person,that really resonates with me for.
But recognizing.
She doesn't say this directly,but like, you're the author, you're
the writer, you're theplaywright, you're the director,
you're the one who is incontrol of this.
(28:27):
So it's not like these aredynamics that are just kind of happening
to you.
That's just, oh, this is justthe way I am.
You don't want these things toput you in another box.
It's one of the reasons why Ilove the assessment that I was trained
in, which is the EnergyLeadership Index assessment.
And I have a whole episode onthat assessment, which helps you
(28:48):
see the lens that you tend tosee through.
It's definitively subjectivekind of assessment to help you see
patterns and understand asystem in which to engage those patterns
and shift those patterns ifthey aren't serving you.
So taking steps into beingyourself and reconnecting with yourself
(29:09):
is really important.
And then the next step fromthere is building self trust.
I have a couple episodes whereI explore self trust and I'll have
those in the show notes.
One is with the amazing ShellyRobinson and one is a solo episode
I did a little bit ago.
But there is a themethroughout that, and I'll just share
(29:31):
here that, you know,oftentimes people come to me to develop
their clarity and confidence.
And what we create is not theclarity, but a sense system for gaining
clarity.
So, I mean, yes, there clarityexists there too, but it's both gaining
the clarity, but in aconscious way where it's a system
(29:55):
for gaining clarity.
So it's not just this momentof clarity, but what do we do to
achieve that clarity.
And it can totally involveother people.
It's not like you have to dothat by yourself.
And actually, I think dealingwith and engaging other people in
that process is really important.
Having people around you tosupport that clarity is really important.
(30:16):
And that's not about, like nottrusting yourself.
It's about having people whocan help you Hear yourself right?
Instead of imposing themselvesupon you to help you, hear you and
reflect back to you whatthey're hearing and help you explore
what your answers are.
And that's, that's the core ofwhat coaching is.
(30:39):
At least coaching the way I doit, that's at the root of it.
But it's possible to findpeople who are able to do that.
That is their, within their gifts.
I mean learning how tocommunicate and how to hear myself
was something that I begandoing with another friend who was
also doing self development work.
And we were both working a 12step program together.
(30:59):
And that was very core to mylearning how to communicate, how
to set boundaries, how to havea supportive relationship.
So it's absolutely possible todo that with other people.
And I think it's important todo that in a way that doesn't take
away from you trusting youwithout you relying on someone else
(31:21):
to tell you what to do and bethe guide for what's right, being
able to hear your own intuition.
So that's the start of it.
Understanding, connectingdots, identifying patterns, creating
steps that fit you so that youcan make and keep commitments to
(31:43):
yourself, which is the key tobuilding self trust, making and keeping
commitments to yourself.
And this is another reason whythe whole new year new you and so
many of the strategies thatunderlie that story that people are
selling to you is oftenproblematic is because you think
you're making a commitment toyourself, but then because of variety
(32:05):
of dynamics, either that thestrategy doesn't fit you, the timing
doesn't fit you.
Whatever it is, it pulls youaway from who you want to be, you
don't follow through and youperpetuate the belief that you can't
trust yourself.
So even small things where youcan build that self trust will support
(32:26):
you, following through,support you, being in tune to you,
hearing your own intuition,trust that you'll do the things,
that you'll care for yourself,that you'll be there for you and
can thus attract others whowill care for you and support you.
Navigating thoserelationships, honoring yourself
(32:47):
and the other person or otherpeople or companies relationships,
to be able to listen toyourself and listen to other people,
to be expansive, all of thosethings is what that fundamental creating
trust in yourself versusputting trust into other people.
(33:08):
Like I talked to so manypeople are like, I have a bad picker
when it comes to other people.
It's like, well if you haven'tdeveloped that relationship with
yourself, then yeah, you'regonna pick other people because of
these beliefs that you don'teven necessarily realize because,
you know, so much of what wethink is subconscious.
We're going to pick thesepeople that are trying to fill this
need that we haven't learnedor understood within ourselves.
(33:32):
And we're going to letourselves down because we don't have
that healthy relationshipbased in a wholeness within ourselves.
So, you know, it's like thatidea of boundaries.
Boundaries let love in versuswalls that keep love out.
But we need boundaries inorder to let love in.
I know it seems so weird, butwe're gonna dig more into that in
(33:55):
another podcast episodebecause like I said, a lot of this
stuff is.
What we're gonna dig into thisseason is building those relationships
both with yourself and thenwith the actions that you take and
the life that you're creatingand the people around you.
So this season we're gonnawalk through these relationships.
The focus is gonna be on theone that you're yourself.
(34:18):
Each month I'm going toprovide two podcast episodes that
further this conversation with yourself.
We're going to start withvisioning in February because again,
I'm very much an advocate oflike, we don't need to start at the
beginning of the year whenit's winter and so many blazes and
it's really hard to get thingsgoing where we're kind of recovering
(34:38):
from the holidays.
Especially if you're someonewho's in a product based business.
You probably just went througha major push and need some time to
rest.
You don't need to buy into allthat hustle.
This is a great time to take amoment to assess and do that reconnection
so that you can do the nextthings in an aligned way.
So I invite you into that exploration.
(35:00):
I am going to be providing avariety of ways of supporting you
should you want.
The very minimum with thispodcast, walking through the pieces
of my course, Visioning valuesperception, stories and assumptions
and rules, inner critic,emotional awareness, releasing stress
(35:21):
boundaries, aligned planning,healthy habit development, and maintaining
your mindset as you move forward.
So all of that's going to bethis season.
Also, I will not only be doingpodcast episodes on these topics,
but workshops each monthdigging into them so that you can
(35:43):
join me with other people andreally dig into these topics and
explore them for yourself aswell as coaching, either individual
coaching or group coaching.
Again, I think it's wonderfulto have group coaching.
I find that the relationshipsthat I've built walking through personal
development with other peoplehave been pivotal in my life.
(36:05):
Not just with a personfacilitating it, but the people that
I'm doing the work with havebeen so important and still are so
important in my life.
So providing that opportunityto engage and to have the coaching
support from me, but also tobuild those relationships.
I am building out a slidingscale for all the things that I offer
(36:26):
because I want this to beaccessible to you.
I know that it takes a timecommitment and you're already contributing
that to participate.
So making it accessiblefinancially as well is really important
to me.
So that's what's coming.
I hope that I will havelanding pages that will be linked
in the show notes, so be sureto check that out.
But if you don't see thatthere, send me a message.
(36:50):
Let me know what you'reinterested in.
There's no commitment there,just lets me know to be sure to let
you know when things are readyand available and to engage me in
the conversation of what thislooks like.
Because bottom line is I wantit to be supportive for you.
I do have one thing to askfrom you before I wrap this up and
(37:14):
that is that if you find valuein this podcast, if you found value,
if you have loved thisepisode, if you're excited about
things coming forward, pleaseshare it with others.
I know it says in the wrap up,but how many people listen to the
final wrap up if they've beenlistening for a while?
I really, really have that asa request for you to please, you
(37:34):
know, send someone a messageand be like, hey, I love this podcast.
This episode was amazing.
I would love for you to checkit out.
Send that message to even justone person and reach out to me if
you have questions, if you'reinterested in things you want to
be kept up to date, just shootme an email, send me a DM in social
media, whether it's onFacebook or Instagram.
I really do love to hear from you.
(37:56):
I do respond to everyone whosends me a message and I am so excited
to kick off this next seasonin this next year.
Yes, I'm doing.
I'm starting something new inthe beginning of the year after this
whole episode of why you don'tneed to do that.
Any who.
(38:16):
I appreciate you being here.
I'm excited as we move forwardand I look forward to hearing from
you.
Talk to you next time.
This has been another episodeof Nosy af.
I'm your host Stephanie Graham.
What did you think abouttoday's conversation?
I would love to hear your thoughts.
Head over to the Nosy AFwebsite for all the show notes related
(38:36):
to this episode.
You can also find me onInstagram tefaniegram what would
you know?
Or online@missgraham.com whereyou can sign up for my newsletter
where I share exclusiveupdates about my studio practice
as well as this podcast.
Until next time time, y'allstay curious and take care.
Bye.
Hey, nosy friends.
Welcome, and welcome back toNosy if conversations about art,
activism, and social change.
I am your friend and host,Stephanie Graham, and I would personally
like to welcome you to thelast day of 2024.
(00:20):
The crowd.
Katt Williams told us.
He.
He told us, y'all.
I still remember sending theKatt Williams on Club Shay interview
to my friend Felicia.
Katt Williams told us that2024 was going to be a wild year.
And he wasn't wrong.
(00:43):
It's been crazy.
As the year wraps up, I'vebeen reflecting on all that's happened
and thinking about what I wantfor 2025.
And I wonder if you've donethe same.
Well, have you?
Have you?
If not, no judgment.
(01:05):
Because, you know, if you'rebored and looking for something meaningful
to do today, I guess today.
Because 2025 starts tomorrow.
I mean, even more tomorrow.
Even for tomorrow, I highlyrecommend, you know, some, like,
reflection.
Just chill on your couch, youknow, put, like, some lo fi beats
(01:26):
on and just reflect.
This year has flown by and Igotta tell y'all something.
I missed so many goals.
I made way too many goals.
And I was, like, going through.
I have a little goal tracker.
I'm just, like, missed,missed, missed.
Dang.
But I am super proud of what Idid accomplish this year, and this
(01:51):
show is at the top of this list.
And I really, really, really,really, really, really, really, really,
really, really, really,really, really want to thank you
for being a part of it.
Speaking of the new year, I'mdoing something special today.
I have a feed drop featuringan episode of Unlimited by my friend
Valerie Friedlander.
(02:13):
And Valerie is diving deepinto something that's marketed to
us 80s babies and 90s kids ever.
So if you are past that, like,if you are a current baby, you might
not know about all this, butit is the infamous New Year new you.
(02:33):
So you've heard it everywhere.
That idea that you need toreinvent yourself every January.
And let me tell you something.
Do not talk about this around Valerie.
She will snatch your edgesbecause she is definitely not about
that life.
Instead, instead, like,Valerie, she's, like all.
She, like, leans into, like,the New Year as you, like, move into
(02:56):
the New Year as you.
Who you are, you're perfect.
And in this episode, shebreaks down on, like, why that whole
New Year, new you messaging issuper toxic and how we need to shift
toward an idea of self trust,reclaiming our inner child, and then
(03:17):
building a year that supportsus as we already are.
Which is cool because thatmeans that we ain't got to do nothing
but just chill.
I love chilling.
You heard me just tell you toreflect by playing some lo fi beats
and laying on the couch or onthe floor or sitting at a chair,
wherever you want to be.
(03:39):
So, I don't know.
I think this is a good episodebecause it's like, look, this year
flew by.
We don't have time to be doingall that, you know, all these goals
and stuff, like, trying todecide, like, how we're going to
reinvent ourselves.
No, we are all set, perValerie and per the Lord.
(04:01):
Amen.
So I hope you enjoy this episode.
Episode of Unlimited.
And you know what?
Let's hear what Valerie has to say.
And cheers to stepping into2025 as you.
Hey there.
I'm Valerie Friedlander,certified life business alignment
coach, and this is Unlimited.
(04:22):
This podcast bridges theindividual and the societal, scientific
and spiritual, positive and negative.
Nerdy.
And no, there's just a lot of nerdy.
Come on board, and let'sunlock a light that's as badass as
you are.
(04:45):
We're gonna dive in right offthe bat with the problem around this
whole new year, new you thing.
And what it is is that at theroot of it is this idea that you
need to be other than you.
So we're starting a new year,and it's time to be not you.
(05:09):
You need a new you, becausethe you that you had last year isn't
good enough.
It didn't cut it.
It didn't have what you wanted.
It has smaller than you wantto be or whatever.
All of the stuff.
Stuff.
The societal stuff that'slike, okay, let's shed that and do
this new thing.
Okay, so I've already talkedlast year about the whole issue with
(05:33):
kind of kicking things off atthe beginning of the year anyway.
There is momentum to makingchanges this time of year just because
there's that societal momentum.
But there can also be thisreal pressure to do things beginning
of the year.
And if you don't do it now,then you just won't do it.
And that is not true.
(05:55):
That kind of pressure canactually make it so that you don't
do it.
Because for most of us, ourstress response is avoidance.
It's the freeze and flee.
So if that's your stressresponse, if you feel stressed, you
are more likely to not do thething to avoid the thing.
I was just working with aclient the other day, actually, who
(06:16):
was like, I really want toexercise and want to move my body.
And we explored, of course,like, what is exercise?
What is movement?
And all of that sort of stuff.
But this desire to exercisecoupled with the should around exercising,
she was both, oh, I know Ifeel better when I do this.
(06:39):
But because it was coupledwith that should where she was kind
of beating herself up over,you need to do this, you should be
doing this, you should bedoing this.
She was naturally avoiding itbecause there was guilt and all this
weight around it and stressresponses to avoid the guilt and
the weight and the yucky feelings.
So when we couple what we wantwith the pressure that you have to
(07:03):
do it or you should do it,it's very common to avoid doing it.
And you're like, why am Iavoiding this?
Well, because you're beatingyourself up, overdoing it.
So, therefore, anyway, so backto the idea that, well, there's something
wrong with you.
And there is a large story inour society around there being something
(07:26):
wrong with you, especially forpeople in marginalized communities.
So this idea that, all right,something's wrong with you, someone
else knows better and can fixyou, and that's what the marketing
is.
That's what all the messagingis, the advertisements, all of the
(07:46):
things pushing you to buy andspend money and get stuff.
It's this sense thatsomething's wrong with you, you don't
have enough.
You need to be fixed, and youneed to spend money to be fixed,
and I'm the one who can fix you.
We are conditioned to believethis, to believe that there is something
(08:07):
wrong with us.
I was just spending a littletime with bell hooks who.
Well, not personally, thoughthat would have been amazing.
But she passed away recently,and I found a quote from her that
said, the wounded child insidemany females is a girl who was taught
(08:27):
from early childhood on thatshe must become something other than
herself, deny her truefeelings in order to attract and
please others.
Ugh.
So that hit me really hardbecause that is something that very
much resonates.
This need to feel safe, tofeel secure, to.
(08:50):
To have people validate mebecause I didn't feel like I belonged.
I was told that I was toogirly, I was too fat, I was too smart,
you know, And.
And how many of you haveexperienced that too muchness and
being told that you need tomake yourself less to make others
(09:14):
more comfortable?
I'm betting that most of you,whatever your identities, but especially
for those of you withidentities that are other than white
male heteronormative cisgenderpeople, have experienced a lot of
that at varying levels andfrom a variety of spaces.
(09:37):
Now, I will say right herethat I believe that these Things
also impact everyone invarious ways that they're harmful
to all people.
However, it's important torecognize that there are layers to
that within society.
For me personally, I haveexperienced this with, you know,
(09:57):
being the.
The little girl in the fluffytutu, the purple fluffy tutu who
prances around with bigdreams, imagining being she Ra and
riding on swift wind and beinga hero leading people.
I was the ringleader on theplayground, coming up with all the
(10:19):
imaginary games.
We had such fun.
And then things changed.
And at a time where I wasparticularly lonely and my parents
were especially emotionallyunavailable, available, I had peers
around me who were telling methat I was too much in a variety
of ways.
(10:40):
Too girly, too fat were somekey ones for me that I.
And I didn't feel understoodand I didn't feel seen.
And I thought, oh, I just haveto try harder.
And I learned to be achameleon to fit in.
And I found that if I couldmake other people feel better, then
(11:00):
I was safer.
And so I learned to hide mypower and instead try and hold up
other people's.
Now, I say this because thereare pieces in here that are part
of me and places where Ilearned patterns that suppressed
(11:25):
who I was and the way I couldplay powerfully.
I also hear from clients thatthe story especially prevalent in
our society around being lazy,like, you can't rest until you're
done.
And most of us, though thiswasn't said directly to me, internalize
this from our schooling.
(11:45):
You need to keep working topush yourself.
You got to get the work done,otherwise you'll get a failing grade.
So you can't rest till you're done.
If you need to rest, thatmeans you're going to fail.
Taking time, taking up spacemeans that you're going to take away
from someone else.
And we develop this fear ofletting other people down or hurting
(12:06):
other people because weinternalize that as our responsibility
as children, because that'swhat children do, is everything's
about them.
So all of these things we takeon and they feed into the ways and
like the layers of.
Of crust that gets built uparound us, shining as brightly as
(12:29):
we could.
This impact, you know, peoplewho are neurodivergent, who have
differing abilities, mentallyand physically, who it is just across
the board.
If you don't fit into what isidealized in our society, if you
can contort yourself intofitting into that, then you do, which
(12:49):
is harmful to you.
But then oftentimes then weperpetuate that harm onto other people
to try and bolster our own positioning.
That's a big one.
And it's something that I'vehad to do a lot of looking at as
a white, cisgender,heteronormative woman in the United
(13:11):
States who is able bodied andfairly neuronormative and all of
that, like really looking atthose layers of privilege and the
places where we'veinternalized the stories that then
both restrict our own abilityand perpetuate harm on others.
And anyway, I say all of thatbecause it's why this story is so
(13:35):
problematic that there'ssomething wrong with you, because
it blocks our ability to learnand to grow.
It creates this crust ofrigidity that doesn't allow you to
be expansive.
And being expansive means thatyou lean into what your gifts are
and who you are.
And there's a.
There's a strength in who you are.
(14:01):
So what do you do differentlythan this whole new year new you
and trying to be different?
Because I, I mean, I advocatechange, right?
Change is great.
If you want somethingdifferent, you need to do something
different.
But does it mean you have tobe someone different?
In some ways, yes.
(14:21):
So it's really though, in mybelief that it's not about at the
core of you being something different.
It's about removing theobstacles to being you, your true
you, your expansive you.
So when I say, what if youwere reclaiming yourself this year?
(14:43):
What if this year you could bethe most you possible, what do you
think about that?
How does that feel differentlyfor you if you think about being
the most you possible versus anew you, like somebody else?
Now there may be some of youwho are like, okay, that actually
(15:08):
doesn't sound so great.
Because I don't want to be me.
Because I want to be the, likethis other person who is offering
something, who looks likethis, who does these things, who
has these other things.
I want to be that person.
Because the person that I amright now is.
Is a mess, is a hot mess.
(15:28):
It's uncomfortable.
I.
I don't like it.
I don't like the person I amright now.
I want to be somebody else orthe person who has the life that
I have right now.
I want to be someone who hasthis other life that is totally understandable.
There are plenty of reasonsthat being you could be unappealing
(15:49):
and difficult.
And something else sounds way better.
The thing I encourage you toremember, especially if you're doing
the comparison thing right,judging your insides by other people's
outsides, which is somethingthat I have done plenty of.
And yeah, it's it's not, it'snot very fun knowing that you don't
(16:12):
know their whole life.
You can't possibly know theirwhole life.
It's very easy to fall intothat in social media.
It's something that is a hugeproblem actually with social media
is it becomes so easy to judgeyour insides by other people's outsides.
What you see is what you thinkyou want and that is tied to, to
(16:37):
who you think you'll be andthe way you think you'll experience
life differently if you have that.
So let me just say that againbecause I think it's really important
to remember that a lot oftimes we think we want what someone
else has.
Something in particular, maybeit's an amount of money, you know,
(16:58):
all the stuff around, likebecome a seven figure business or
a six figure business, evenlike make more money, have more success,
love your job, all of thosethings, the specifics of those things,
you know, have the cleanhouse, the big house on the hill,
like whatever it is, thosethings are tied to who you think
(17:23):
that you'll be and, or the waythat you think you'll experience
life differently if you have that.
What I want you to know isthat you don't have to be not you
to have that experience oflife that you want.
You do not have to be not you.
(17:45):
You can be you and have that.
Actually trying to be otherthan you and have that experience
of life that you want won'tactually work.
It might work temporarily, butit's not sustainable to have an experience
(18:07):
of life that isn't tied to whoyou are.
So who you are leaning intothat person and removing all the
crap that you've beenconditioned to believe about who
you are, as well as engagingthe structures in society that perpetuate
(18:28):
that conditioning and theobstacles that it then generates
is the key to having theexperience that you want.
So it's.
If you can divorce those twothings, that experience and that
thing tangibly, it's not thatthey don't necessarily go together,
but how you achieve that andwhat that actually looks like for
(18:51):
you may be different.
So removing all of that crap,you know, stop trying to be someone
else, because by doing thatagain, you participate in the perpetuation
of these problematicnarratives of being someone else
and that this is the goal andthis is the ideal way to be.
(19:11):
And based on your positioningin society, then you're likely to
perpetuate the harm that hurtsnot just you, but other people.
And I'm pretty sure most ofyou people who have taken on that,
like, I don't want to hurtother people.
I want to help other people.
And like me, you know, doingthat whole, like, trying to help
(19:31):
other people to feel okaywithin myself instead of the opposite,
which has taken a lot of selfwork to go, oh, if I learn how to
develop my relationship withme and be my best self, be my most
me, then I naturally supportother people being that rather than
(19:52):
fixing them, because I really,truly believe you don't need to be
fixed.
There's nothing wrong with you.
There's just oftentimes a lotof crap that we've internalized.
So it's time to free thatlittle girl that got lost somewhere
along the way from family,friends, society, school, all that
(20:16):
stuff to free her from the boxthat you were taught to put her in,
to be acceptable, to be safeso that she wouldn't get hurt from
the people around her thatwere threatened by her, that felt
her power and were threatenedby it.
So it's normal, it's naturalif you put her in a box to keep her
(20:39):
safe, that there's nothingwrong with you that you did that
either.
So I think that's alsoimportant to remember that there's
nothing wrong that that happened.
There's nothing wrong aboutyou that that happened.
You don't actually have toknow where that little girl went.
You don't have to know wherethe box is or where you put it down
(21:00):
or whatever.
It's just knowing that she'sthere, that you are her, that she
is you.
She's part of you.
And you've learned more thingsthat you can release and some things
that you'll carry with you.
Along these lines, it'simportant to remember a lot of times
we think of, oh, we have thesecharacter defects and these things
(21:22):
are things that we don't wantanymore, that we want to let go of.
These are things that arecontributing to that person that
you don't want to be.
So then, you know, you want tolet go of those things to be the
new you.
And I would like to posit toyou that those character defects
aren't actually defects.
They are assets that have run amok.
(21:46):
They have expanded in waysthat maybe they don't belong in.
Maybe they're.
They're misplaced.
They're focused on somethinglike, for example, fixing other people
instead of listening, insteadof holding space for someone.
Maybe they're misunderstood.
Maybe they're assets thatscared other people and then they
(22:08):
wanted to make smaller.
Right?
Those.
Those places where that littlegirl got put in the box.
So for example, things like,you know, I personally, I struggle
with details.
I am not someone who remembers details.
So I love history, but I couldnot tell you.
I like testing on, on history.
Like when I did ape history,like, no, that did not go well.
(22:32):
I'm excellent.
However, connecting dots and abig picture, hearing how things relate
to each other.
So I thought, oh, this is adefect that I can't remember details.
But actually what it did wasit kept me from getting lost in those
details and allows me to beable to see connections in a different
(22:53):
way than maybe someone who isinto details is.
Now that doesn't mean thatdetails are not good.
It's just, that's not my gift.
I have a client who's unableto focus for long periods, which
is pretty common for peoplewho have adhd.
But they light up with variety.
So this inability to focus onone thing may be seen as a defect,
(23:18):
but what is the, what is thecorresponding asset to that?
And that is she is amazingwith multitasking.
She can pick up this thing andthat thing and move smoothly through
different things and lovesthat variety.
So being able to recognizelike, okay, what are, what are these
things that I'm labeling asdefects and how do they actually
(23:39):
play?
Like, where are they assets?
Where could they actually be beneficial?
Taking a look at that andmaybe taking out of this needs to
be fixed and maybe this justneeds to be placed differently.
If you think about like in acompany, someone might not be great
in one position, but they'damazing in a different position.
So, you know, take a look at that.
One of the things as we'rereconnecting to ourselves is a lot
(24:01):
of times people lovepersonality assessments.
I tend to attract people to mewho love personality assessments.
And you know, I, I also do.
Because the thing is,personality assessments help us validate
ourselves.
It helps us place ourselves,it helps us connect in an initial
way.
It's like a, a step towardsself understanding.
(24:22):
But it's really important toremember that it's just a step towards
self understanding.
Just one step.
It allows us to take all ofthe learned judgment because our
brains like patterns.
So we tend to judge things andput them into the boxes that we're
familiar with.
To be able to, to use thatjudgment to go, oh, this is this,
(24:42):
this is this.
Oh, that makes sense.
That's why this, the next stepis being able to step out of that
judgment using that validationof, oh, there's nothing wrong with
me.
This is, this is part of myway of being.
This is part of who I am.
And then into a space ofcuriosity and an ability to have
a relationship with yourself.
Because the thing to rememberis a relationship is constantly evolving.
(25:06):
It's not fixed, it's notstatic, it's dynamic.
So maybe you love personality assessments.
Take that as information as apiece of you.
Now, I think it's interestingif you, like, do a lot of personality
assessments, you can kind ofsee some threads throughout.
So just to give you a little.
A little more of a sense of.
Of me from that.
(25:28):
I'm an enfp.
Or at least last time I tookthis assessment because, you know,
some people find certainassessments don't work well for them.
But as an enfp, I'm people centered.
I'm a creator with a focus on possibilities.
Warm, passionate, contagiously enthusiastic.
I love to help people exploretheir potential.
And they're often artistic.
(25:50):
Oh yeah, all right, thatsounds familiar.
I'm an enneagram4.
Now, I.
There's a wing here that Idon't remember what it is, but it
definitely offsets.
These Enneagram Fours tend tobe like, kind of reserved.
Definitely not that.
But they also want to beunique and experience deep, authentic
emotions.
They're inspired and highlycreative, with a tendency to be dramatic.
(26:13):
Oh, I don't know anybody like that.
Moody and self conscious.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a questioner in the four tendencies.
I value reason and purpose andwant to understand why something
should be done.
I picked up the Evo Plannerbecause it has a personality assessment
component with it.
Now, I can't.
Can't advocate for it becauseI haven't actually used it.
I'm.
(26:34):
I am one of those Plannerhoarders working on that.
I'm an alchemist in the EvoPlanner, so desiring variety and
constantly learning, as wellas seeking new ways to creatively
use and share my knowledge and inspiration.
Anybody else seeing a pattern here?
I recently also dug into ChaniNicholas's you were born for this
(26:58):
book Astrology for radicalself acceptance and found.
I am an Aries in the eighthhouse with moon in Libra and rising
sign in Virgo, which meansthat my purpose lies in tapping people
into their skills resources tohelp free us all from the shackles
of rules based in lies andcreate a more expansive, harmonious
(27:21):
way of being being.
Because I need beauty andjustice and balance.
And I thrive makingconnections and helping others feel
witnessed.
I am driven by taking inknowledge and sharing it in a way
that is useful and practical.
And I need partnerships tofeel centered in my ability to communicate
well.
(27:41):
So, yeah, I mean, all of thatsounds very like, that's very affirming.
Like all.
There's a pattern in there.
I can definitely see how itall relates together and all of that.
And it can be really helpful.
I do appreciate the way Chanitalks about how this is just a step
towards self understanding.
So like I was saying before,it's a way to kind of understand
(28:04):
ourselves.
So she talks about how theplanets are actors and the signs
that they're in are like theircostumes and the houses that they're
in are like the sets.
Which as a theater person,that really resonates with me for.
But recognizing.
She doesn't say this directly,but like, you're the author, you're
the writer, you're theplaywright, you're the director,
you're the one who is incontrol of this.
(28:27):
So it's not like these aredynamics that are just kind of happening
to you.
That's just, oh, this is justthe way I am.
You don't want these things toput you in another box.
It's one of the reasons why Ilove the assessment that I was trained
in, which is the EnergyLeadership Index assessment.
And I have a whole episode onthat assessment, which helps you
(28:48):
see the lens that you tend tosee through.
It's definitively subjectivekind of assessment to help you see
patterns and understand asystem in which to engage those patterns
and shift those patterns ifthey aren't serving you.
So taking steps into beingyourself and reconnecting with yourself
(29:09):
is really important.
And then the next step fromthere is building self trust.
I have a couple episodes whereI explore self trust and I'll have
those in the show notes.
One is with the amazing ShellyRobinson and one is a solo episode
I did a little bit ago.
But there is a themethroughout that, and I'll just share
(29:31):
here that, you know,oftentimes people come to me to develop
their clarity and confidence.
And what we create is not theclarity, but a sense system for gaining
clarity.
So, I mean, yes, there clarityexists there too, but it's both gaining
the clarity, but in aconscious way where it's a system
(29:55):
for gaining clarity.
So it's not just this momentof clarity, but what do we do to
achieve that clarity.
And it can totally involveother people.
It's not like you have to dothat by yourself.
And actually, I think dealingwith and engaging other people in
that process is really important.
Having people around you tosupport that clarity is really important.
(30:16):
And that's not about, like nottrusting yourself.
It's about having people whocan help you Hear yourself right?
Instead of imposing themselvesupon you to help you, hear you and
reflect back to you whatthey're hearing and help you explore
what your answers are.
And that's, that's the core ofwhat coaching is.
(30:39):
At least coaching the way I doit, that's at the root of it.
But it's possible to findpeople who are able to do that.
That is their, within their gifts.
I mean learning how tocommunicate and how to hear myself
was something that I begandoing with another friend who was
also doing self development work.
And we were both working a 12step program together.
(30:59):
And that was very core to mylearning how to communicate, how
to set boundaries, how to havea supportive relationship.
So it's absolutely possible todo that with other people.
And I think it's important todo that in a way that doesn't take
away from you trusting youwithout you relying on someone else
(31:21):
to tell you what to do and bethe guide for what's right, being
able to hear your own intuition.
So that's the start of it.
Understanding, connectingdots, identifying patterns, creating
steps that fit you so that youcan make and keep commitments to
(31:43):
yourself, which is the key tobuilding self trust, making and keeping
commitments to yourself.
And this is another reason whythe whole new year new you and so
many of the strategies thatunderlie that story that people are
selling to you is oftenproblematic is because you think
you're making a commitment toyourself, but then because of variety
(32:05):
of dynamics, either that thestrategy doesn't fit you, the timing
doesn't fit you.
Whatever it is, it pulls youaway from who you want to be, you
don't follow through and youperpetuate the belief that you can't
trust yourself.
So even small things where youcan build that self trust will support
(32:26):
you, following through,support you, being in tune to you,
hearing your own intuition,trust that you'll do the things,
that you'll care for yourself,that you'll be there for you and
can thus attract others whowill care for you and support you.
Navigating thoserelationships, honoring yourself
(32:47):
and the other person or otherpeople or companies relationships,
to be able to listen toyourself and listen to other people,
to be expansive, all of thosethings is what that fundamental creating
trust in yourself versusputting trust into other people.
(33:08):
Like I talked to so manypeople are like, I have a bad picker
when it comes to other people.
It's like, well if you haven'tdeveloped that relationship with
yourself, then yeah, you'regonna pick other people because of
these beliefs that you don'teven necessarily realize because,
you know, so much of what wethink is subconscious.
We're going to pick thesepeople that are trying to fill this
need that we haven't learnedor understood within ourselves.
(33:32):
And we're going to letourselves down because we don't have
that healthy relationshipbased in a wholeness within ourselves.
So, you know, it's like thatidea of boundaries.
Boundaries let love in versuswalls that keep love out.
But we need boundaries inorder to let love in.
I know it seems so weird, butwe're gonna dig more into that in
(33:55):
another podcast episodebecause like I said, a lot of this
stuff is.
What we're gonna dig into thisseason is building those relationships
both with yourself and thenwith the actions that you take and
the life that you're creatingand the people around you.
So this season we're gonnawalk through these relationships.
The focus is gonna be on theone that you're yourself.
(34:18):
Each month I'm going toprovide two podcast episodes that
further this conversation with yourself.
We're going to start withvisioning in February because again,
I'm very much an advocate oflike, we don't need to start at the
beginning of the year whenit's winter and so many blazes and
it's really hard to get thingsgoing where we're kind of recovering
(34:38):
from the holidays.
Especially if you're someonewho's in a product based business.
You probably just went througha major push and need some time to
rest.
You don't need to buy into allthat hustle.
This is a great time to take amoment to assess and do that reconnection
so that you can do the nextthings in an aligned way.
So I invite you into that exploration.
(35:00):
I am going to be providing avariety of ways of supporting you
should you want.
The very minimum with thispodcast, walking through the pieces
of my course, Visioning valuesperception, stories and assumptions
and rules, inner critic,emotional awareness, releasing stress
(35:21):
boundaries, aligned planning,healthy habit development, and maintaining
your mindset as you move forward.
So all of that's going to bethis season.
Also, I will not only be doingpodcast episodes on these topics,
but workshops each monthdigging into them so that you can
(35:43):
join me with other people andreally dig into these topics and
explore them for yourself aswell as coaching, either individual
coaching or group coaching.
Again, I think it's wonderfulto have group coaching.
I find that the relationshipsthat I've built walking through personal
development with other peoplehave been pivotal in my life.
(36:05):
Not just with a personfacilitating it, but the people that
I'm doing the work with havebeen so important and still are so
important in my life.
So providing that opportunityto engage and to have the coaching
support from me, but also tobuild those relationships.
I am building out a slidingscale for all the things that I offer
(36:26):
because I want this to beaccessible to you.
I know that it takes a timecommitment and you're already contributing
that to participate.
So making it accessiblefinancially as well is really important
to me.
So that's what's coming.
I hope that I will havelanding pages that will be linked
in the show notes, so be sureto check that out.
But if you don't see thatthere, send me a message.
(36:50):
Let me know what you'reinterested in.
There's no commitment there,just lets me know to be sure to let
you know when things are readyand available and to engage me in
the conversation of what thislooks like.
Because bottom line is I wantit to be supportive for you.
I do have one thing to askfrom you before I wrap this up and
(37:14):
that is that if you find valuein this podcast, if you found value,
if you have loved thisepisode, if you're excited about
things coming forward, pleaseshare it with others.
I know it says in the wrap up,but how many people listen to the
final wrap up if they've beenlistening for a while?
I really, really have that asa request for you to please, you
(37:34):
know, send someone a messageand be like, hey, I love this podcast.
This episode was amazing.
I would love for you to checkit out.
Send that message to even justone person and reach out to me if
you have questions, if you'reinterested in things you want to
be kept up to date, just shootme an email, send me a DM in social
media, whether it's onFacebook or Instagram.
I really do love to hear from you.
(37:56):
I do respond to everyone whosends me a message and I am so excited
to kick off this next seasonin this next year.
Yes, I'm doing.
I'm starting something new inthe beginning of the year after this
whole episode of why you don'tneed to do that.
Any who.
(38:16):
I appreciate you being here.
I'm excited as we move forwardand I look forward to hearing from
you.
Talk to you next time.
This has been another episodeof Nosy af.
I'm your host Stephanie Graham.
What did you think abouttoday's conversation?
I would love to hear your thoughts.
Head over to the Nosy AFwebsite for all the show notes related
(38:36):
to this episode.
You can also find me onInstagram tefaniegram what would
you know?
Or online@missgraham.com whereyou can sign up for my newsletter
where I share exclusiveupdates about my studio practice
as well as this podcast.
Until next time time, y'allstay curious and take care.
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.