August 26, 2025 • 23 mins
In this episode of the Art of the Session series, I walk through one of the trickiest and frequently rushed CCPT skills: limit setting. We revisit why going back to the basics is so important—because true mastery lives there. I explain the ACT formula (Acknowledge, Communicate, Target Alternatives) in depth and emphasize how each part functions, especially why the choices we offer must tie back to the child’s original need, desire, or intention.
Limit setting isn’t a skill we use with every child or in every session, but when it’s needed, it must be done precisely. I share why it requires practice outside of the playroom to avoid fumbling in the moment and how getting it right reinforces the autonomy, safety, and therapeutic value of the CCPT experience. I also touch on ultimate limit setting and how even that can be framed as a child’s empowered choice. This is a must-listen if limit setting still feels challenging—or if it’s become automatic but you want to make sure it’s still adherent.
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Ask Me Questions: Call (813) 812-5525, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com
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APT Approved Play Therapy CE courses: https://childcenteredtraining.com
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Common References:
Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley.
VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press.
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Landreth, G.L., & Bratton, S.C. (2019). Child-Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT): An Evidence-Based 10-Session Filial Therapy Model (2nd ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315537948
Benedict, Helen. Themes in Play Therapy. Used with permission to Heartland Play Therapy Institute.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,
your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get
a master class in child-centered play therapy
and practical support and application for your
work with children and their families.
In today's episode,
we are continuing with the Art of the Session series.
(00:25):
And I feel compelled to bring us back to
the reason we're doing this.
I mentioned it earlier,
but we're kind of
about halfway through the
series now.
And I want it to be real clear why we're going back to basics for several reasons.
The first
is mastery is in the basics.
(00:46):
I actually talked about that on a Collective call last week and this week.
When you master something,
it's not from the advanced,
it's not from the high level,
it's always from the basics,
so we have to go back to them again and again and again forever and always amen.
We're never going to get to a point where we say,
OK,
I know everything I need to know and I'm never going to have to go back and
(01:09):
and look at all of the original seminal stuff.
That's what keeps us grounded.
So that's one reason.
The second reason is.
I have been
hearing from so many listeners.
I've been talking to so many people on the Collective calls.
I've been watching so many play sessions in coaching.
And
there are things that are taking place
(01:31):
under the guise of CCPT.
That are not
the 11 things that we're to be doing.
And therefore we're deviating
and we're not adherent
and often we don't even realize it and often it's close enough.
See,
see this is the danger.
I remember a long time ago people always used to say the devil's in the details.
(01:52):
My psychology professor used to say that all the time,
the devil's in the details.
So
we're often close enough.
In other words,
we might say something like,
You can do almost anything you want in here and if there's something you can't do,
I'll let you know.
That's not
CCPT adherent.
(02:14):
Welcome back to the playroom.
You can choose to play with all the toys in most of the ways that you want.
It makes a huge difference,
but see how it's close enough.
I set the stage.
I gave expectations.
I made it known that there are exceptions,
but the language matters.
The phrases matter.
The concepts and underpinnings matter.
(02:36):
So we have 11 things
that we're going to be using in play sessions and we are going through those.
We started with the very first interaction,
start of the client life cycle,
and we're going all the way through why?
because there are specific things that we should be doing
as part of the session.
It is an art,
Art of the Relationship,
Art of the Session.
So that's why we're doing this,
(02:57):
wanted to bring us back,
make sure we were still on
the same page and on the same wavelength.
So today we're talking through limit setting.
Pillar
Tricky one,
very complex,
very difficult.
It messes so many people up.
I watch play session after play session where
limits are just botched left and right.
(03:17):
It is one of the more challenging skills.
So we're going to
go through it and make sure that we're working on all of this stuff.
All right,
let's start with some overarching
components.
Limits are not used on every child.
My
cohort coordinator and right hand person,
(03:39):
Mya asked me
not too long ago,
has there ever been a kid that you've done an entire
process of treatment with that you never set a limit with?
And I said,
yeah.
So,
not every child is going to have a limit set.
Why?
Because they're only needed when they're needed.
And there are certain kids
that are going to be in a play session with you week after week after week after week,
(04:04):
and there's never a concern for your safety,
their safety or damage to the toys or property.
Therefore,
they're never going to have a limit set and guess what,
they're going to leave
their work with you and their time with you,
and they're gonna say.
I could do anything.
There are other kids that are going to tell you there is one limit in the playroom.
(04:27):
And if you polled all of your clients,
they may all say that there's one limit,
but they're all different limits.
One's going to tell you their skin isn't for coloring on one's going to tell
you that the shelves are for sitting down on if you climb to the top.
One's going to tell you that the blocks are not for throwing at the wall.
One's going to tell you that the water is not for dumping in the sand.
(04:48):
Why?
Because they've only ever
had the need
for one limit.
So each of them's going to say there's one limit in the playroom,
but they're all going to be different.
And then there are going to be certain kids that
would tell you and anyone else that will listen,
there are 72 limits in the playroom
because they require them all the time ad nauseam.
(05:08):
So
we don't set them with every child
and we often don't,
don't set them frequently.
This is not an oftus skill.
Because
we are hopeful
that the child will not require them.
And they're only needed when they're needed,
so
we may go 40 weeks and only set a limit once.
(05:31):
We may go 40 weeks and set 72 limits,
but it's completely up to the child in the circumstances.
So this isn't something that you necessarily practice all the time.
It's certainly not like reflecting feelings
that we can do all session,
every session with every single kid.
There are always emotions to reflect.
There are always encouragement phrases to provide,
(05:52):
so other skills are going to be far more frequently used.
And here's why this is so tricky.
It's 3
skills in one.
You essentially have to have a mastery over 3 skills.
And then be able to fuse those three skills into a new skill.
It is difficult,
it is wordy,
(06:13):
it is fast,
it's complex,
and if you have not rehearsed it,
you're going to flounder.
It's that simple and I'm not saying that to be defeating or
depressing.
I'm saying that to help you feel equipped,
you have to rehearse it outside of your sessions.
(06:34):
My,
I,
I know many of you've been with me a long time.
You know my process.
When I need to learn something.
When I am doing a repetitive,
monotonous activity,
I rehearse it in my brain.
When I needed to
work on my Spanish,
as I was swimming laps,
I was speaking in Spanish to myself,
(06:54):
went strange enough,
when I needed to learn gibberish because my friends at school
were speaking in gibberish and I had to practice it,
I would do that when I swam laps.
When I needed to rehearse my limit setting,
I did it when I was
running or swimming or folding clothes or whatever it is,
that's just a mindless monotonous task.
Why?
(07:15):
Because if you wait till you're in the moment.
And there's already something happening.
Your emotions are going to override your brain.
We know this happens.
This happens for kids all the time.
The same is for us.
There's an emotional
switch
and it takes over and your brain's like,
wait,
what,
uh,
uh,
and then your brain and your tongue don't match up anymore,
(07:36):
and then you're fumbling and bumbling and nothing's
coming out making any kind of coherent sense.
And then you go,
well,
that was a royal flub and that kid does not even
realize that I was supposed to be setting a limit there.
You rehearse it when you're not in session.
Think of a scenario that would require a limit.
And practice it.
Give yourself a scenario mentally.
(07:59):
Kid
starts to dump sand in my hair.
Go.
Yes,
that happens.
If it hasn't happened to you,
it will.
If you have a sand tray in your room,
you will end up with sand dumped in your hair at some point,
I promise you.
I was talking on one of the Collective calls this week and I said,
how many of you all have been spit on?
And only maybe like a third of the people raised their hands and I said,
(08:22):
What are you all doing in play sessions?
Who are you playing with?
How have you not been spit on?
Like,
there are things that you can just know are going to happen at some point,
and getting sand in your hair is one of them,
getting spit on is one of them.
There are just things that are predictable when you work with children.
So
you know at some point,
if you have a sand tray in your room,
you're going to get sand dumped on you.
(08:44):
Go rehearse the limit.
What are you going to say for the first part?
What are you going to say for the second part?
What are you going to say for the third part?
And as you're saying it,
if you're fumbling and if you're going,
oh no,
that wasn't neutral,
oh no,
that wasn't the feeling,
oh,
that wasn't an appropriate choice,
you can correct it,
you can work on it.
You can adjust what you're saying until it is an
appropriate limit and then say it to yourself several times.
(09:07):
That's the beauty of the practice.
You can
practice perfectly.
You know the whole adage,
practice makes perfect.
It's actually perfect practice makes perfect.
If you practice poorly,
you're not going to perfect that.
Can you imagine like a professional athlete?
Not using their fundamental skills and just like goofing around thinking
(09:27):
that's gonna make them better at whatever sport they're playing.
No,
you have to
execute what you know,
but it has to be flawless execution
for you to become proficient at it.
You don't practice swinging off a tee sloppily.
You don't practice swinging off a tee with one hand.
You don't practice swinging off a tee by not looking at the ball.
(09:50):
That's not going to make you better.
Similarly,
when you're coaching yourself through limit setting,
if you're not on target the 1st time or the 3rd or the 5th,
when you finally get there,
recite it to yourself several times.
Let it sink in.
It has to become muscle memory.
OK,
so what is the process?
Many of you all know this.
(10:10):
The acronym is ACT,
so you're going to acknowledge the feeling.
Let me pause there.
It's not just the feeling.
It is often the need,
the desire,
the wish,
the intent.
So yes,
sometimes there is a feeling associated with it.
You're really angry,
but
you're so excited,
but
What sometimes it is emotional,
(10:32):
but other times
it's a need,
a desire,
an intention,
a wish.
So we reflect whatever it is that's evident.
It's not necessarily an emotion.
So we're going to acknowledge whatever it is.
Then
we're going to communicate the limit,
that's the C.
The limit is neutral.
(10:53):
Always
If you have
a non-neutral limit,
It defeats the purpose of the limit.
The limit is neutral,
it is a fact.
It is a statement,
just like
there are clouds in the sky today.
It is a declaration of truth.
(11:15):
It's neutral on purpose.
There's no charge.
There's no emotion.
There's no tension.
It's just an acknowledgement.
And then the T target the alternatives.
Essentially that means provide choices.
Alternatives to what you might ask.
Many of you maybe have never even thought about that.
Why is it called Target alternatives?
(11:36):
The alternatives
are appropriate behavior options
that map back
to what you.
Acknowledged
in the first step.
So the child needs to get energy out.
The child is upset.
The child really wishes that something could happen.
The child is begging for something,
(11:58):
whatever the original acknowledgement was.
The behavior
is inappropriate.
The A is always valid.
Whatever we acknowledge at the start,
the child's never wrong for that.
We never have any issue with the need,
the feeling,
the desire,
the intent,
the wish.
that is a given.
(12:20):
A child's never wrong for any of that.
The behavior
is the issue.
So we're providing alternatives
to allow for the child to get their original
acknowledgement met.
What was their original need?
What was their original desire?
What was their original feeling?
So in the T,
we provide alternatives
(12:41):
that are behaviorally appropriate,
that tie back to whatever it was that the child was experiencing.
This is why this is so complicated and tricky,
because you can't just give random choices.
For example,
Child says,
this comes straight out of the OG CPRT training manual.
(13:02):
So I'm,
this is not my own example,
this is straight from the first edition of the CPRT manual.
Child says
The dollhouse needs red curtains.
OK,
so the child has made it clear,
there is a desire,
a wish,
and an intention.
Potentially a need as well
(13:23):
for red curtains on the dollhouse.
And so she grabs the red Sharpie and she's ready to color on your $200 dollhouse.
And that immediately makes you go,
hmm.
That is damage to property that I will not be able to get off,
so this requires a limit.
Is this limit necessary?
(13:43):
That's the first question we need to ask ourselves,
and it always comes back to 3.
Criteria
child has to be safe.
We have to be safe.
Nothing can be damaged or broken on purpose.
All right,
so
coloring on a dollhouse with a permanent marker
is going to damage the dollhouse.
So we're going to set a limit on that.
(14:04):
So here's what often happens.
Adults,
parents,
therapists,
whoever fill in the blank.
When
asked to provide alternatives.
You can choose to color
with the marker in the coloring book,
or you can choose to color with the marker on paper.
(14:25):
Hold the phone.
The child wanted red curtains on the dollhouse.
Coloring with the red marker was means to an end.
So if we're so quick to throw in choices and we say you can choose
to color in the coloring book or you can choose to color on paper,
which do you choose?
(14:45):
That does not meet the original acknowledgement,
which is
she wants red curtains on the dollhouse.
So the choices are always going to map back to the first part of the limit.
So if she wants red curtains,
the choices have to be
what is an appropriate behavior that allows her to have red curtains.
(15:08):
So we might say
you can choose to use the red pipe cleaners and make curtains out of those,
or you can choose to color curtains on paper and tape them to the dollhouse,
which do you choose?
In either of those alternatives,
please note she gets red curtains on the dollhouse.
So we see a kid with a Sharpie in their hand and they're ready to call on the house,
(15:31):
and we give them choices about where they can color.
It completely misses the aura of limit setting.
When we give alternatives,
it's appropriate options behaviorally
to have the child's needs met.
This is why this is so hard,
y'all,
because it's easy to just go,
(15:51):
oh,
you wanna do that,
but that's not for doing,
you can choose to do,
and if we're not thoughtful,
if we don't have muscle memory kick in here,
if this isn't something that we can just kind of do on autopilot.
We're not on target.
So we're always mapping back to the A.
The T always ties to the A,
the C is always neutral.
(16:12):
All right,
let me share a couple of additional considerations.
If a behavior is actively taking place
that warrants a limit,
they are actively doing something.
You go straight to the sea.
You go straight to the limit.
So,
oh,
I'm not for pouring sand on.
(16:32):
And you say it firmly.
And you say it with a different tone
than the traditional limit setting.
It's very clear,
this is important what I'm saying to you.
Oh,
I'm not for putting sand on.
My hair is not for pouring sand in.
Whatever we need to say,
if it's already taking place,
we jump straight to the sea,
(16:53):
then we soften our tone,
then we go back through ACT.
In the moment already taking place,
the first thing that they hear is the neutral limit.
Said calmly but firmly.
Then we go back through ACT.
So your change there is the C,
then the ACT.
(17:14):
And then other consideration
if you set a limit 3 times.
And the child is unwilling or unable to comply with the limit,
you move to ultimate limit setting.
So you've said 3 times that the dollhouse is not for
coloring on and she's still trying to color on the dollhouse.
You're going to move to ultimate limit.
(17:36):
Ultimate limit is reserved for 3 rounds
of inability to comply with the limit.
We never jump straight to ultimate limit,
and many adults do.
And unfortunately,
if you're not CCPT
then often it's actually a threat.
If you do that,
then I.
(17:56):
OK.
Threats teach children nothing about self-control and self responsibility.
That's why it's a choice.
If you choose
to color on the house with the marker,
you choose not to have markers for the rest of the session.
But if you choose to use a different thing for curtains on the house,
you choose to have use of the markers for the rest of the session,
(18:18):
which do you choose?
And there are all kinds of ultimate limits that can be set in that scenario,
but that would be one of them.
It's very clear the child has a choice.
And if you choose to keep having markers,
you choose
not to color on the dollhouse.
Another option is if you choose to try to color on the dollhouse,
you choose not to play with the dollhouse for the rest of the session.
(18:41):
But if you choose not to color on the dollhouse,
you choose to keep playing with the dollhouse,
which do you choose?
There's another option.
Notice that it's very clear
child has a decision to make.
They've already not been able to comply
3 times,
so now we're at ultimate limit.
And then they're choosing a positive outcome
or they're choosing a negative outcome,
but it's solely up to them.
(19:02):
And let's just throw this out there because I say this on the parenting podcast a lot.
I don't know that I say it very often in the clinical.
We would always choose for them
to have the positive outcome.
I would always choose for a child to have access to every toy in the playroom.
I would always choose for a child to be able to comply with the limit.
I would always choose for them not to lose markers.
(19:24):
I would always choose for them to play with the dollhouse.
We would always choose for them to have the positive outcome,
but sometimes they choose the alternative.
And all we do is enforce the choice that was made.
There there's no guilt or blame or shame on our part.
Would,
could you believe that I had to take a dollhouse away from a kid today?
(19:47):
No,
you didn't.
The child chose not to have the dollhouse in the playroom.
You would have chosen for it to stay there.
The child chose not to have it.
So be very intentional with your limit setting.
Practice it outside of session
so that it becomes easier to execute in the moment.
(20:08):
And it is possible
to
Provide an entire ACT limit
and feel very at ease and very peaceful and very calm in the midst of it all,
but it's about practice
and you can get there but you have to put in the work
and the work comes outside of play sessions,
not in the midst of them.
(20:28):
All right,
I hope that encourages you.
I hope that that helps.
Just really quick announcement,
the six figure group is closed.
We're ready to start.
If you're interested in the play therapy professional group,
which is just CCPT content,
a new one will begin in November.
So if you're interested,
go to play therapypro.com.
You can sign up for a discovery call and that will begin in November.
(20:50):
All right,
I love you all.
Thank you for the emails.
Thank you for the messages.
Thank you for connecting with me.
You know what,
I actually got an email recently.
Actually,
I want to tell you about two emails really quickly.
So I got an email recently from someone that said,
I listen to your podcast all the time and my son is 16
and he and I were,
I think she said they were painting
and so she said we were painting and
(21:12):
it was really interesting because he said,
does she give away all of that content for free?
And
the listener said,
yeah,
the podcasts are free,
and he was like,
that's a lot of content and a lot of work for her to just give that away.
And she emailed me to say like,
even her 16 year old acknowledged
the value of the content that is on the podcast,
(21:34):
and he couldn't believe that I don't get money from it.
So I want you all to know this is absolutely one of my greatest joys.
It is my labor of love and it's not a sacrifice for me.
It's not a burden for me.
I absolutely love
interacting with you all.
And
then at the end of the email,
she said,
every time you say I love you,
(21:54):
I scream back,
I love you too.
So
thank you for loving me and I'm so glad I love you,
and that's just been fun to hear
some feedback.
And then an exciting email that I got.
I don't know if it's pronounced Eva or Eva,
but
Eva,
I think,
reached out from the Czech Republic
and she said that CCPT is in its infancy there.
(22:17):
Hardly anyone knows about it there,
and she asked permission to translate.
Resources from the podcast and other things
into their native language so that she can evangelize and promote CCPT
in the Czech Republic and the Slovak Republic.
And that is so exciting to me,
y'all,
I'm telling you CCPT is a wave sweeping the world and I'm so excited to be a part of it.
(22:42):
I'm so excited that you all are a part of it.
So Eva in Czech Republic,
thank you for listening.
Thank you for wanting to evangelize the model
to a country that is not familiar with it.
And every single one of us are a champion for this model.
Whether we realize it or not,
whether we stake our claim on that or not,
we evangelize a model and we advocate for a model
(23:03):
because we understand the power of it.
And it's one conversation at a time,
one interaction at a time,
one person,
one family,
one kid at a time,
and CCPT is making its mark.
So it's so encouraging and exciting
and I love y'all and I'm grateful for you.
We'll talk again soon.
bye.
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.
(23:24):
Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and resources,
please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.
You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,
your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get
a master class in child-centered play therapy
and practical support and application for your
work with children and their families.
In today's episode,
we are continuing with the Art of the Session series.
(00:25):
And I feel compelled to bring us back to
the reason we're doing this.
I mentioned it earlier,
but we're kind of
about halfway through the
series now.
And I want it to be real clear why we're going back to basics for several reasons.
The first
is mastery is in the basics.
(00:46):
I actually talked about that on a Collective call last week and this week.
When you master something,
it's not from the advanced,
it's not from the high level,
it's always from the basics,
so we have to go back to them again and again and again forever and always amen.
We're never going to get to a point where we say,
OK,
I know everything I need to know and I'm never going to have to go back and
(01:09):
and look at all of the original seminal stuff.
That's what keeps us grounded.
So that's one reason.
The second reason is.
I have been
hearing from so many listeners.
I've been talking to so many people on the Collective calls.
I've been watching so many play sessions in coaching.
And
there are things that are taking place
(01:31):
under the guise of CCPT.
That are not
the 11 things that we're to be doing.
And therefore we're deviating
and we're not adherent
and often we don't even realize it and often it's close enough.
See,
see this is the danger.
I remember a long time ago people always used to say the devil's in the details.
(01:52):
My psychology professor used to say that all the time,
the devil's in the details.
So
we're often close enough.
In other words,
we might say something like,
You can do almost anything you want in here and if there's something you can't do,
I'll let you know.
That's not
CCPT adherent.
(02:14):
Welcome back to the playroom.
You can choose to play with all the toys in most of the ways that you want.
It makes a huge difference,
but see how it's close enough.
I set the stage.
I gave expectations.
I made it known that there are exceptions,
but the language matters.
The phrases matter.
The concepts and underpinnings matter.
(02:36):
So we have 11 things
that we're going to be using in play sessions and we are going through those.
We started with the very first interaction,
start of the client life cycle,
and we're going all the way through why?
because there are specific things that we should be doing
as part of the session.
It is an art,
Art of the Relationship,
Art of the Session.
So that's why we're doing this,
(02:57):
wanted to bring us back,
make sure we were still on
the same page and on the same wavelength.
So today we're talking through limit setting.
Pillar
Tricky one,
very complex,
very difficult.
It messes so many people up.
I watch play session after play session where
limits are just botched left and right.
(03:17):
It is one of the more challenging skills.
So we're going to
go through it and make sure that we're working on all of this stuff.
All right,
let's start with some overarching
components.
Limits are not used on every child.
My
cohort coordinator and right hand person,
(03:39):
Mya asked me
not too long ago,
has there ever been a kid that you've done an entire
process of treatment with that you never set a limit with?
And I said,
yeah.
So,
not every child is going to have a limit set.
Why?
Because they're only needed when they're needed.
And there are certain kids
that are going to be in a play session with you week after week after week after week,
(04:04):
and there's never a concern for your safety,
their safety or damage to the toys or property.
Therefore,
they're never going to have a limit set and guess what,
they're going to leave
their work with you and their time with you,
and they're gonna say.
I could do anything.
There are other kids that are going to tell you there is one limit in the playroom.
(04:27):
And if you polled all of your clients,
they may all say that there's one limit,
but they're all different limits.
One's going to tell you their skin isn't for coloring on one's going to tell
you that the shelves are for sitting down on if you climb to the top.
One's going to tell you that the blocks are not for throwing at the wall.
One's going to tell you that the water is not for dumping in the sand.
(04:48):
Why?
Because they've only ever
had the need
for one limit.
So each of them's going to say there's one limit in the playroom,
but they're all going to be different.
And then there are going to be certain kids that
would tell you and anyone else that will listen,
there are 72 limits in the playroom
because they require them all the time ad nauseam.
(05:08):
So
we don't set them with every child
and we often don't,
don't set them frequently.
This is not an oftus skill.
Because
we are hopeful
that the child will not require them.
And they're only needed when they're needed,
so
we may go 40 weeks and only set a limit once.
(05:31):
We may go 40 weeks and set 72 limits,
but it's completely up to the child in the circumstances.
So this isn't something that you necessarily practice all the time.
It's certainly not like reflecting feelings
that we can do all session,
every session with every single kid.
There are always emotions to reflect.
There are always encouragement phrases to provide,
(05:52):
so other skills are going to be far more frequently used.
And here's why this is so tricky.
It's 3
skills in one.
You essentially have to have a mastery over 3 skills.
And then be able to fuse those three skills into a new skill.
It is difficult,
it is wordy,
(06:13):
it is fast,
it's complex,
and if you have not rehearsed it,
you're going to flounder.
It's that simple and I'm not saying that to be defeating or
depressing.
I'm saying that to help you feel equipped,
you have to rehearse it outside of your sessions.
(06:34):
My,
I,
I know many of you've been with me a long time.
You know my process.
When I need to learn something.
When I am doing a repetitive,
monotonous activity,
I rehearse it in my brain.
When I needed to
work on my Spanish,
as I was swimming laps,
I was speaking in Spanish to myself,
(06:54):
went strange enough,
when I needed to learn gibberish because my friends at school
were speaking in gibberish and I had to practice it,
I would do that when I swam laps.
When I needed to rehearse my limit setting,
I did it when I was
running or swimming or folding clothes or whatever it is,
that's just a mindless monotonous task.
Why?
(07:15):
Because if you wait till you're in the moment.
And there's already something happening.
Your emotions are going to override your brain.
We know this happens.
This happens for kids all the time.
The same is for us.
There's an emotional
switch
and it takes over and your brain's like,
wait,
what,
uh,
uh,
and then your brain and your tongue don't match up anymore,
(07:36):
and then you're fumbling and bumbling and nothing's
coming out making any kind of coherent sense.
And then you go,
well,
that was a royal flub and that kid does not even
realize that I was supposed to be setting a limit there.
You rehearse it when you're not in session.
Think of a scenario that would require a limit.
And practice it.
Give yourself a scenario mentally.
(07:59):
Kid
starts to dump sand in my hair.
Go.
Yes,
that happens.
If it hasn't happened to you,
it will.
If you have a sand tray in your room,
you will end up with sand dumped in your hair at some point,
I promise you.
I was talking on one of the Collective calls this week and I said,
how many of you all have been spit on?
And only maybe like a third of the people raised their hands and I said,
(08:22):
What are you all doing in play sessions?
Who are you playing with?
How have you not been spit on?
Like,
there are things that you can just know are going to happen at some point,
and getting sand in your hair is one of them,
getting spit on is one of them.
There are just things that are predictable when you work with children.
So
you know at some point,
if you have a sand tray in your room,
you're going to get sand dumped on you.
(08:44):
Go rehearse the limit.
What are you going to say for the first part?
What are you going to say for the second part?
What are you going to say for the third part?
And as you're saying it,
if you're fumbling and if you're going,
oh no,
that wasn't neutral,
oh no,
that wasn't the feeling,
oh,
that wasn't an appropriate choice,
you can correct it,
you can work on it.
You can adjust what you're saying until it is an
appropriate limit and then say it to yourself several times.
(09:07):
That's the beauty of the practice.
You can
practice perfectly.
You know the whole adage,
practice makes perfect.
It's actually perfect practice makes perfect.
If you practice poorly,
you're not going to perfect that.
Can you imagine like a professional athlete?
Not using their fundamental skills and just like goofing around thinking
(09:27):
that's gonna make them better at whatever sport they're playing.
No,
you have to
execute what you know,
but it has to be flawless execution
for you to become proficient at it.
You don't practice swinging off a tee sloppily.
You don't practice swinging off a tee with one hand.
You don't practice swinging off a tee by not looking at the ball.
(09:50):
That's not going to make you better.
Similarly,
when you're coaching yourself through limit setting,
if you're not on target the 1st time or the 3rd or the 5th,
when you finally get there,
recite it to yourself several times.
Let it sink in.
It has to become muscle memory.
OK,
so what is the process?
Many of you all know this.
(10:10):
The acronym is ACT,
so you're going to acknowledge the feeling.
Let me pause there.
It's not just the feeling.
It is often the need,
the desire,
the wish,
the intent.
So yes,
sometimes there is a feeling associated with it.
You're really angry,
but
you're so excited,
but
What sometimes it is emotional,
(10:32):
but other times
it's a need,
a desire,
an intention,
a wish.
So we reflect whatever it is that's evident.
It's not necessarily an emotion.
So we're going to acknowledge whatever it is.
Then
we're going to communicate the limit,
that's the C.
The limit is neutral.
(10:53):
Always
If you have
a non-neutral limit,
It defeats the purpose of the limit.
The limit is neutral,
it is a fact.
It is a statement,
just like
there are clouds in the sky today.
It is a declaration of truth.
(11:15):
It's neutral on purpose.
There's no charge.
There's no emotion.
There's no tension.
It's just an acknowledgement.
And then the T target the alternatives.
Essentially that means provide choices.
Alternatives to what you might ask.
Many of you maybe have never even thought about that.
Why is it called Target alternatives?
(11:36):
The alternatives
are appropriate behavior options
that map back
to what you.
Acknowledged
in the first step.
So the child needs to get energy out.
The child is upset.
The child really wishes that something could happen.
The child is begging for something,
(11:58):
whatever the original acknowledgement was.
The behavior
is inappropriate.
The A is always valid.
Whatever we acknowledge at the start,
the child's never wrong for that.
We never have any issue with the need,
the feeling,
the desire,
the intent,
the wish.
that is a given.
(12:20):
A child's never wrong for any of that.
The behavior
is the issue.
So we're providing alternatives
to allow for the child to get their original
acknowledgement met.
What was their original need?
What was their original desire?
What was their original feeling?
So in the T,
we provide alternatives
(12:41):
that are behaviorally appropriate,
that tie back to whatever it was that the child was experiencing.
This is why this is so complicated and tricky,
because you can't just give random choices.
For example,
Child says,
this comes straight out of the OG CPRT training manual.
(13:02):
So I'm,
this is not my own example,
this is straight from the first edition of the CPRT manual.
Child says
The dollhouse needs red curtains.
OK,
so the child has made it clear,
there is a desire,
a wish,
and an intention.
Potentially a need as well
(13:23):
for red curtains on the dollhouse.
And so she grabs the red Sharpie and she's ready to color on your $200 dollhouse.
And that immediately makes you go,
hmm.
That is damage to property that I will not be able to get off,
so this requires a limit.
Is this limit necessary?
(13:43):
That's the first question we need to ask ourselves,
and it always comes back to 3.
Criteria
child has to be safe.
We have to be safe.
Nothing can be damaged or broken on purpose.
All right,
so
coloring on a dollhouse with a permanent marker
is going to damage the dollhouse.
So we're going to set a limit on that.
(14:04):
So here's what often happens.
Adults,
parents,
therapists,
whoever fill in the blank.
When
asked to provide alternatives.
You can choose to color
with the marker in the coloring book,
or you can choose to color with the marker on paper.
(14:25):
Hold the phone.
The child wanted red curtains on the dollhouse.
Coloring with the red marker was means to an end.
So if we're so quick to throw in choices and we say you can choose
to color in the coloring book or you can choose to color on paper,
which do you choose?
(14:45):
That does not meet the original acknowledgement,
which is
she wants red curtains on the dollhouse.
So the choices are always going to map back to the first part of the limit.
So if she wants red curtains,
the choices have to be
what is an appropriate behavior that allows her to have red curtains.
(15:08):
So we might say
you can choose to use the red pipe cleaners and make curtains out of those,
or you can choose to color curtains on paper and tape them to the dollhouse,
which do you choose?
In either of those alternatives,
please note she gets red curtains on the dollhouse.
So we see a kid with a Sharpie in their hand and they're ready to call on the house,
(15:31):
and we give them choices about where they can color.
It completely misses the aura of limit setting.
When we give alternatives,
it's appropriate options behaviorally
to have the child's needs met.
This is why this is so hard,
y'all,
because it's easy to just go,
(15:51):
oh,
you wanna do that,
but that's not for doing,
you can choose to do,
and if we're not thoughtful,
if we don't have muscle memory kick in here,
if this isn't something that we can just kind of do on autopilot.
We're not on target.
So we're always mapping back to the A.
The T always ties to the A,
the C is always neutral.
(16:12):
All right,
let me share a couple of additional considerations.
If a behavior is actively taking place
that warrants a limit,
they are actively doing something.
You go straight to the sea.
You go straight to the limit.
So,
oh,
I'm not for pouring sand on.
(16:32):
And you say it firmly.
And you say it with a different tone
than the traditional limit setting.
It's very clear,
this is important what I'm saying to you.
Oh,
I'm not for putting sand on.
My hair is not for pouring sand in.
Whatever we need to say,
if it's already taking place,
we jump straight to the sea,
(16:53):
then we soften our tone,
then we go back through ACT.
In the moment already taking place,
the first thing that they hear is the neutral limit.
Said calmly but firmly.
Then we go back through ACT.
So your change there is the C,
then the ACT.
(17:14):
And then other consideration
if you set a limit 3 times.
And the child is unwilling or unable to comply with the limit,
you move to ultimate limit setting.
So you've said 3 times that the dollhouse is not for
coloring on and she's still trying to color on the dollhouse.
You're going to move to ultimate limit.
(17:36):
Ultimate limit is reserved for 3 rounds
of inability to comply with the limit.
We never jump straight to ultimate limit,
and many adults do.
And unfortunately,
if you're not CCPT
then often it's actually a threat.
If you do that,
then I.
(17:56):
OK.
Threats teach children nothing about self-control and self responsibility.
That's why it's a choice.
If you choose
to color on the house with the marker,
you choose not to have markers for the rest of the session.
But if you choose to use a different thing for curtains on the house,
you choose to have use of the markers for the rest of the session,
(18:18):
which do you choose?
And there are all kinds of ultimate limits that can be set in that scenario,
but that would be one of them.
It's very clear the child has a choice.
And if you choose to keep having markers,
you choose
not to color on the dollhouse.
Another option is if you choose to try to color on the dollhouse,
you choose not to play with the dollhouse for the rest of the session.
(18:41):
But if you choose not to color on the dollhouse,
you choose to keep playing with the dollhouse,
which do you choose?
There's another option.
Notice that it's very clear
child has a decision to make.
They've already not been able to comply
3 times,
so now we're at ultimate limit.
And then they're choosing a positive outcome
or they're choosing a negative outcome,
but it's solely up to them.
(19:02):
And let's just throw this out there because I say this on the parenting podcast a lot.
I don't know that I say it very often in the clinical.
We would always choose for them
to have the positive outcome.
I would always choose for a child to have access to every toy in the playroom.
I would always choose for a child to be able to comply with the limit.
I would always choose for them not to lose markers.
(19:24):
I would always choose for them to play with the dollhouse.
We would always choose for them to have the positive outcome,
but sometimes they choose the alternative.
And all we do is enforce the choice that was made.
There there's no guilt or blame or shame on our part.
Would,
could you believe that I had to take a dollhouse away from a kid today?
(19:47):
No,
you didn't.
The child chose not to have the dollhouse in the playroom.
You would have chosen for it to stay there.
The child chose not to have it.
So be very intentional with your limit setting.
Practice it outside of session
so that it becomes easier to execute in the moment.
(20:08):
And it is possible
to
Provide an entire ACT limit
and feel very at ease and very peaceful and very calm in the midst of it all,
but it's about practice
and you can get there but you have to put in the work
and the work comes outside of play sessions,
not in the midst of them.
(20:28):
All right,
I hope that encourages you.
I hope that that helps.
Just really quick announcement,
the six figure group is closed.
We're ready to start.
If you're interested in the play therapy professional group,
which is just CCPT content,
a new one will begin in November.
So if you're interested,
go to play therapypro.com.
You can sign up for a discovery call and that will begin in November.
(20:50):
All right,
I love you all.
Thank you for the emails.
Thank you for the messages.
Thank you for connecting with me.
You know what,
I actually got an email recently.
Actually,
I want to tell you about two emails really quickly.
So I got an email recently from someone that said,
I listen to your podcast all the time and my son is 16
and he and I were,
I think she said they were painting
and so she said we were painting and
(21:12):
it was really interesting because he said,
does she give away all of that content for free?
And
the listener said,
yeah,
the podcasts are free,
and he was like,
that's a lot of content and a lot of work for her to just give that away.
And she emailed me to say like,
even her 16 year old acknowledged
the value of the content that is on the podcast,
(21:34):
and he couldn't believe that I don't get money from it.
So I want you all to know this is absolutely one of my greatest joys.
It is my labor of love and it's not a sacrifice for me.
It's not a burden for me.
I absolutely love
interacting with you all.
And
then at the end of the email,
she said,
every time you say I love you,
(21:54):
I scream back,
I love you too.
So
thank you for loving me and I'm so glad I love you,
and that's just been fun to hear
some feedback.
And then an exciting email that I got.
I don't know if it's pronounced Eva or Eva,
but
Eva,
I think,
reached out from the Czech Republic
and she said that CCPT is in its infancy there.
(22:17):
Hardly anyone knows about it there,
and she asked permission to translate.
Resources from the podcast and other things
into their native language so that she can evangelize and promote CCPT
in the Czech Republic and the Slovak Republic.
And that is so exciting to me,
y'all,
I'm telling you CCPT is a wave sweeping the world and I'm so excited to be a part of it.
(22:42):
I'm so excited that you all are a part of it.
So Eva in Czech Republic,
thank you for listening.
Thank you for wanting to evangelize the model
to a country that is not familiar with it.
And every single one of us are a champion for this model.
Whether we realize it or not,
whether we stake our claim on that or not,
we evangelize a model and we advocate for a model
(23:03):
because we understand the power of it.
And it's one conversation at a time,
one interaction at a time,
one person,
one family,
one kid at a time,
and CCPT is making its mark.
So it's so encouraging and exciting
and I love y'all and I'm grateful for you.
We'll talk again soon.
bye.
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.
(23:24):
Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and resources,
please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.
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