244 | Why Kids Use "Potty Talk" in Session — And How to Stay Child-Centered When Responding

In this episode of the Play Therapy Podcast, I answer a question from Monica in California about how to handle “potty talk” in child-centered play therapy (CCPT). Monica shares that her 5-year-old client often says words like “butt” and giggles during sessions, and she wonders how to respond within the CCPT framework. I explore the different reasons children use potty talk, including age-appropriate behavior, boundary testing, relational testing, and seeking shock value. I also highlight how the playroom provides a unique space where children can express themselves freely without judgment or consequence.

I offer practical advice on how to stay neutral, reflect the content, and enlarge the child’s experience when appropriate. By responding calmly and without judgment, we can help children process what they need to work through while maintaining the trust and safety of the therapeutic relationship. This approach allows us to remain truly child-centered, supporting the child’s emotional growth and expression.

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Common References:
Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley.
VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press.
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
Benedict, Helen. Themes in Play Therapy. Used with permission to Heartland Play Therapy Institute.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,
your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get
a master class in child-centered play therapy
and practical support and application for your
work with children and their families.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Monica in California.

(00:24):
And this
has been coming up a lot,
so everything goes in waves.
This is about potty talk in sessions.
Her words,
not mine.
I don't tend to say potty talk,
but I'm just quoting.
All right.
So before we get into that,
however,
let me remind you all that January 3rd,
we are having our live podcast event.

(00:44):
Many of you have registered,
really excited about that,
looking forward to it.
So if you would like to be a part of that,
the link to register will be in the show notes,
and please make sure that you get signed up.
There is a cap.
I think Zoom limits us to a certain number of attendees,
and I'm not familiar with that number.
I'll maybe say it in the next episode.

(01:05):
But anyway,
the point is,
if you'd like to get on that call,
please make sure that you register for that.
And we,
depending on the
Reception of this and the number of people that are interested,
we may start to do this on a more frequent basis.
So make sure that you check that out.
January 3rd at 2 p.m. Eastern.
So make sure that you can work that into your schedule if you want to attend.

(01:27):
All right,
so let me read parts of Monica's email
and then we will dive in.
I have a question regarding one of my clients.
He's 5 years old and struggling with big emotions in his class.
He pulls cords,
throws chairs,
and gets really angry.
I really believe play therapy is going to be beneficial for him.
I echo those thoughts.
All right,
however,

(01:47):
one thing that has come up in sessions is potty talk.
He says butt and giggles a lot,
butt with two Ts,
by the way.
This has come up a few times.
I'm wondering how you handle potty talk in the play therapy approach.
All right,
Monica,
thank you for the question.
I have responded to questions like this in the Collective recently.
I've talked about this on coaching calls recently

(02:08):
and now I'm getting emails,
so I realized that this is obviously something that
first of all,
is a conundrum for a lot of CCPTs,
but then also it must be pretty prevalent right now and everything comes in waves,
so we might be in this wave.
So I'd like to dive in with some thoughts
and hopefully this will be helpful to everybody because

(02:29):
at some point this will happen in your play sessions whether it has
yet or not,
you'll get there.
So,
all right,
first and foremost,
the why matters
hashtag it.
I know.
So one of the things that I think is really important in a scenario like this is to
assess
what's the rationale.
So let's begin with the most.

(02:51):
Obvious maybe.
This is age-appropriate behavior for a five year old.
Young kids
are fascinated
by bodily fluids,
bodily functions,
and the words associated with them.
So saying poop and pee and butt
and all of these things,
toilet,

(03:12):
fart,
it's really funny to them and it's age appropriate.
So Monica,
first and foremost,
I would say he's 5.
This is probably just standard developmental behavior.
However,
I,
I don't want to stop there because there are often other reasons as well.
So,
I don't want to say that that's an exhaustive list by any means.

(03:35):
So let's talk through some of the other options.
I think another consideration.
is that it's a testing.
And I think this testing could go in two directions actually.
First,
I believe it could be
boundary testing.
You've given me freedom,
you've told me that I have autonomy in the playroom.

(03:57):
And I want to know
how far that goes.
So can I say things in here that I can't say elsewhere?
And you know,
I think obviously he probably gets in trouble at school if
he says those things or is at least told not to.
So therefore,
we have a child who is trying to figure out,

(04:17):
you've said,
I
have
the ability to be in charge in here.
You said,
I'm the boss.
Well,
does that mean that I get to say these things that
I know usually are not
accepted?
That's one kind of the testing,
the boundary testing.
I think the other kind of testing is relational testing.
I don't know,
you didn't mention how many sessions you are in with him.

(04:40):
But
We understand that kids also want to make
sure that the unconditional love and acceptance.
Carries over no matter what happens.
So often what they do is they will do things purposefully to see,
are you still going to love me?
Are you still going to accept me?
Are you going to reach a point where you say,
OK,
you can't come play here anymore,

(05:00):
are you going to give up on them?
Are you going to abandon them?
It's relational testing at times.
That's a very important factor to consider as well.
Testing in both capacities.
The boundary testing and relational testing is another consideration.
Also,
you have shock value to consider.

(05:20):
And
obviously saying butt is not really all that shocking,
but to a 5 year old it might be,
but this would also carry over to kids who come in the room and
cuss and I know we've talked about that on other episodes before as well.
You have kids that are trying to get a reaction.
And they've learned
and or have been conditioned

(05:42):
that when I say certain things and I bring certain
topics up and certain words come out of my mouth,
even actions sometimes.
I,
I think behaviors get lumped into this as well.
You know,
if I walk up and smack someone on the butt,
I get a really big reaction.
So what happens is it organically begins the first time,

(06:04):
right?
There's no intention.
The first time a kid says butt out loud,
they just are saying a word,
but then when everyone giggles or everyone
reacts or everyone goes,
you cannot say that,
or,
well,
now all of a sudden,
oh look,
I've gotten all kinds of attention from this.
So shock value is another consideration.

(06:26):
And I'm not sure if you think,
Monica,
that that's
true in this case,
but certainly a factor that needs to be worked into the
Established the to establish the motivation.
And then
you also have grant and fantasy,
what you can't grant in reality coming into play here.
In
every other scenario,

(06:48):
there are probably
chastisements,
consequences.
Maybe even punishments.
There's some kind of negative outcome
to him saying these things is my guess.
At school for sure,
probably at home.
He probably gets told on if he says it somewhere else.
There's probably all kinds of expectations of what he should and should not say.

(07:13):
Well,
the playroom
provides something that no other environment provides,
which is
the ability to do things in there that you can't anywhere else.
And
The reality is,
he
can't say this anywhere else,
doesn't have the freedom to.
The fantasy element of the playroom is that he can.

(07:35):
Often it is just I'm doing it because it's the only place.
It's the only relationship,
it's the only person,
it's the only environment in which I can do this.
Fantasy versus reality is a big factor
in behaviors for kids.
Because the playroom
is a special place

(07:56):
and their relationship with you
is special.
They are going to
have to deal with
the choice that they make in every other environment.
And quite honestly,
and Monica,
I don't know how you feel about it.
I mean,
I know you're curious
about what to do.
I don't know if it bothers you in any way,
and there are some therapists that have told me like that kind

(08:17):
of stuff just bothers them and they almost always come out of
the education system.
So
I think those that have been in schools for
some reason this really gets out of their skin.
I was a substitute teacher,
but I know that doesn't count.
It doesn't bother me.
I just,
I find it interesting that
that's something
for me,
if a kid comes in and says

(08:38):
stuff,
whatever it is,
I
just,
I'm pretty neutral,
I guess.
It,
it,
it's benign to me.
It does not bother me one bit.
And
a lot of therapists then say,
well,
what are,
what are we supposed to do in our response?
So let's talk through that.
The most helpful thing you can do is

(08:59):
reflectively respond
in
a very standard way.
So
this was where it gets tricky though.
You may not want to say the word butt.
I,
I wouldn't care.
But for example,
if a child cusses in the playroom,
I would not want to reflect the content by using the cuss word back to the child.
There are therapists that do it.

(09:21):
I don't.
That's my personal choice.
Here's what I think is helpful.
You just acknowledge that it was said,
and whether or not you want to say the word or not,
there's a workaround.
So if he says,
Gosh,
what would a kid say about butt um.
Oh,
the poop's coming out of his butt
and then giggles.

(09:41):
I would just say,
oh,
the poop's coming out of his butt and you think that's funny.
So,
in that scenario,
I would reflect content directly.
If a child were to cuss,
for example,
I would not reflect the content directly.
I would say that word.
Or that,
I'd say,
oh,
you said that in here.

(10:01):
Or you said that word.
All right,
now,
here's why we do this,
because our response is supposed to be neutral and without judgment.
If it's for shock value,
if it's for relationship testing,
if it's for fantasy versus reality in any of those three scenarios.
There's a reaction that they're expecting.

(10:23):
And when you neutrally respond without judgment.
It doesn't serve the purpose
that the child had in mind.
When they don't get a reaction,
when it doesn't fracture
any of the boundaries or the relationship,
and when they're like,
oh,
I really can say whatever I want in here,
there's no need for them to continue to do it

(10:43):
because they've done what they needed,
which is to prove what they're able to do.
So that's why we respond neutrally and without judgment.
So we just say it.
Oh,
You're saying words in here that you don't get to say anywhere else.
Just accept it for what it is and
say that back to the child.
It's very important.

(11:04):
Now,
another option
is to enlarge a little bit.
So you can just
acknowledge what's happening,
then you can also enlarge.
So the enlargement might be,
it feels good to say words in here
and there are no consequences.
Or
You like having the control to say what you want in here,

(11:25):
and you can't do that anywhere else.
That's an enlargement.
And what you're doing is you're helping the child understand at a cognitive level,
why they're doing this.
They're just acting out of their emotions,
needs,
desires,
wants,
feelings,
but the bridge is to help them understand

(11:46):
what's going on at a deeper level.
So that's why we enlarge.
Now for a five year old Monica,
don't really go too
hog wild on the enlargements.
It's gonna be probably too much for him,
but you could certainly just acknowledge what he's doing.
And then our job is to remain neutral through it all.
So it doesn't impact us,
it doesn't unnerve us,

(12:06):
it doesn't create an emotional response in us.
We're just able to be neutral with it,
and that is truly
being child-centered.
There's a reason why a child is doing it.
Let's,
let's be really clear on that.
If a child is saying something or doing something in the playroom,
it's because they need to.
We don't always have to understand what's going on at a deeper level,

(12:28):
but we know that if we trust them,
what they're doing is necessary for their work.
So every time he says the word butt and giggles,
there's something that he's working through when he's doing it.
And that will also help keep us in the right frame of mind
for the way that we respond.
Monica,
thanks so much for the question.

(12:49):
I hope that that's helpful for everyone because we all deal with that
kind of stuff that happens in the playroom from time to time.
So
thanks for hanging out with me today.
Love you all.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.
Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and resources,
please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.