September 27, 2023 • 12 mins
What are you trying to prove? Who are you trying to impress? Learn how the greatest freedom in life comes from having nothing to prove as Ray shares stories from his childhood and his days in a bipartisan role in the United States Senate.
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Episode Transcript
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Ray (00:00):
I have a few questions for you today. The first one is,
what are you trying to prove?Then, who are you trying to
impress? You know, for a lot ofus, we spend most of our lives
with a sort of chip on ourshoulder. We go through life
either consciously orsubconsciously with something to
(00:21):
prove.
Today on the podcast, I want todive into this urge we have to
prove ourselves. I will shareparts of my story and insights I
discovered while working at theUnited States Senate. Stay with
me, and you will learn how thegreatest freedom in life comes
from having nothing to prove.Hello, everyone. I'm Ray
(00:47):
Sanders, and you're listening tothe Ray Sanders Leadership
Podcast.
Welcome back to the Ray SandersLeadership Podcast. You know, it
means a lot to me that we couldspend some time together. I
recently came across a quote byRT Kendall. The quote says, the
greatest freedom is havingnothing to prove. You know, I
(01:10):
asked you before, but let me askyou again.
What are you trying to prove?Who are you trying to impress?
What if the one that mattersmost accepts you for who you
are, is proud of you, and loveswhat you are becoming. You know,
so many times we criticizeourselves and are hard on
ourselves because we don't likewho we are. But who are we
(01:33):
becoming?
What's our full potential? Ithink that's how our creator
sees us, and he's the one thatmatters most. I believe it is
then that we begin to recognizethat we have nothing to prove.
When we do so, we feel free fromthe past, free to live in the
(01:54):
present, and free to pursue thefuture with pure joy and without
fear. You know, when I was alittle boy, I grew up in about a
900 square foot home.
That's right. It wasn't realbig. In fact, my home now that I
live in is about 4 times thatsize. And when I drive back by
(02:15):
that old home, I'm amazed thatwe did all we did in that small
little home. I used to joke thatI didn't have a, a shower until
I was 15, and people would lookat me and go, you didn't have a
shower until you're 15.
Does that mean you didn't bathe?I didn't say I didn't bathe. I
said I didn't have a showeruntil I was 15. You know, we we
(02:36):
really didn't. We didn't have ashower until we moved to a new
house, and my got out of thathot shower.
I never will forget. It was sogreat. Not that I don't still
like a good bath now and again.You know, I often tell people
that I grew up one block fromthe wrong side of the tracks. My
dad was a working class guy.
He worked for a trucking companyand unloaded trucks on the dock.
He was married to my mom when hewas about 22, 23, and she was
(03:02):
pregnant with me when she was15. And, we weren't we weren't
poor, but we certainly didn'thave a lot of things that a lot
of other kids in my town had.And I never will forget I had
the opportunity one time to goto the richest kid in town's
house. And as I walked up to thehouse, I couldn't believe, first
of all, how huge it was.
(03:23):
They had multiple garages. Ithink there must have been 4 or
5, and they had little golfcarts and go karts are, running
around on the grounds, and theyhad people mowing their yard,
and then they had maids inlittle dresses, and their house
was just absolutely huge. Andwhen I walked into his bedroom
with the other guys, my Iimmediately thought, his bedroom
(03:44):
is as almost as big as my house.And not only that, he had this
closet where you walked into,and it was as big as my bedroom.
And then he had his own bathroomwith a shower and a toilet all
to himself.
I was thinking, man, this guyhas it made. And then I thought
to myself, I don't really feellike I belong here. I had very
(04:05):
low self esteem. I was insecure.And I realized maybe I just
didn't fit in.
Well, fast forward many yearslater, and I'm in the car
driving to, Tulsa from OklahomaCity, and my wife is noticing
that I'm kinda down and notexactly my typical peppy self.
(04:26):
And she said, hey. What's goingon? I said, you know, I don't
know. I just can't shake it.
I just feel kind of insecureabout some people I'm hanging
out with. I I just don't knowthat I I have what it takes. I
was really doubting myself. Andshe listens listened well like
she often does. And as I'mtalking to her, I I looked over
and I said, I figured it out.
I figured it out. I'm not thatlittle boy anymore. She said,
(04:51):
that not not that little boyanymore. What are you talking
about? I I said, I'm not thatlittle boy that grew up in that
little 900 square foot house.
You know, I might have been thefirst on my mom's side and
second on my dad's to go tocollege, but I've done a lot of
things since then, and I'm notthat little boy anymore. And
then I was reminded in in thehouse that I grew up in, my I
(05:12):
think my dad had goodintentions, but I even had
things to prove to him as well.There were times that as the
oldest, I would go out and I'dbe mowing the yard, and my dad
would stand at the end of eachrow. And as I would turn around
to come back, he would bejudging me as to whether or not
the line that I had made withthe lawnmower was perfect. I
(05:34):
felt so much pressure to proveto him that I could mow the
yard.
If that wasn't enough, we had abig big garden in our backyard,
a huge garden with big tomatoesand potatoes and corn and things
like that and green beans thatwe would often snap. And at the
end of the season, we'd have tooften turn the soil. And I
remember one time I was settingout back with my dad and I had
(05:56):
to shovel, and I was turningsome dirt, and he snatched it
out of me my hand, and he says,what are you doing? Don't you
even know how to shovel dirt?And I thought, oh, man.
I gotta prove to him that I candig a hole in the ground. He
took the shovel off the groundand gave it to my brother and
said, here, show him how to dig.You know, may not seem that much
of a deal to you, but for me, itwas my little brother, and I was
(06:19):
was embarrassed. I thought I'mgonna prove him wrong. And there
was there were times that wewould go out back and we would
play basketball and, you know, Iwas okay.
I wasn't great. My littlebrother was much more athletic
than me, much faster. He wouldhit all the shots. My dad would
be proud of him. And I rememberhim saying to me one day, you
know, Ray, you probably ought tofigure out something else.
I don't think you're gonna beable to play basketball. And it
(06:41):
really hurt me because I knew hehad played basketball when he
was in high school, and I wantedto be like my dad. I just didn't
have the aptitude. What do youthink I did? I was gonna prove
him wrong.
And, yeah, I tried out for thefootball team. I didn't like it.
I probably should have because Iwas kind of a big kid in those
days. And I played baseball, butI couldn't do that because I had
to work in the summers. And so Icontinued to play basketball.
(07:05):
And do you think I proved it tohim? Absolutely not. He was
right. I was terrible. But Ilived with that for most of my
life.
I just wanted to prove himwrong, but I didn't. You know,
fast forward, and I went tocollege, and there were some
people in my life that reallyencouraged me. I was surprised,
quite frankly, that I didn't endup on a dock or doing something
(07:28):
like what my dad had done orworked on a farm or something
like that. But lo and behold, Iwent to school and I ended up
getting a job at the UnitedStates Senate in Washington DC.
I I really couldn't believe thatthis kid from Canadian County in
Oklahoma had gotten a job in theUnited States Senate, and I had
the privilege of working withall kinds of US senators in a
nonpartisan role for withDemocrats and Republicans and
(07:50):
otherwise.
And I even had a chance to workwith the president of the United
States. It was it was amazing,the opportunities that I had.
And, you know, not too long ago,a federal judge asked me. He
said, what has surprised youmost in your work with leaders?
And in my mind, I went back tothose days when I was working in
the United States senate.
Oh, I must have been probably23, maybe 24 years of age. And
(08:15):
oftentimes, after the senatewould be in session, the
senators would be asked to go onan evening news on NBC, ABC, CBS
to give a statement about sometype of legislation or some
world event. And oftentimes, Iwould be the only one there in
the studio running camera,taking care of the senator. I
never will forget one night Iwas with a particular senator, I
won't mention him by name, And,he was preparing to go on the
(08:39):
evening news, and he looked atme, and our eyes met. And I
could tell in looking in hiseyes, he was afraid.
He was scared, and he looked upat me. We had become friends
over the course of the years Ihad worked there, and he says,
what do you think I ought tosay? What's the first thing that
I should say? Do I look okay?How about my hair?
What do you what do you think?And it was in that moment that I
(09:03):
realized the way that I wouldanswer this federal judge later
years in my life is the thingthat surprised me most in my
work with leaders is howinsecure they were. And you know
what? He was nervous. He wasscared, and he was insecure.
He was out to prove something toeveryone, that he was a United
(09:24):
States senator, one of the mostpowerful men in the world. Dare,
they know about hisinsecurities. You know, the
truth is we are all insecure. Sowhy do we try to prove that we
are? We wanna try to prove thatwe're strong.
We wanna try to prove that we'reconfident. We wanna try to prove
that we're capable, and it showsup in all kinds of ways. It
(09:47):
shows up in our work. It showsup in our home. And in our
relationships, we're out toprove something.
So let's talk about you for aminute. Let's say you're walking
into a room or you're attendinga party or a family gathering.
What are you thinking before youwalk through the door? Are you a
(10:09):
little self conscious? Are youchecking your reflection in the
glass on the front door or maybein a mirror that you pass by?
Are you practicing your smile orpushing your shoulders back? Are
you working on your handshake onthe way over? You know what?
This tells me that you havesomething to prove. You know,
(10:31):
you're probably like me.
You're frozen in time, and whatyou need to realize is you're
not that little boy anymore.You're not that little girl
anymore. Let me encourage you.Do not resume the role. Don't
resume the role that you'vealways played.
You're not that little boy.You're not that little girl. You
(10:53):
have nothing to prove to yourdad. You have nothing to prove
to your mom, your brothers, yoursisters, or anybody else that's
in your in in in that room or inyour family. Reset your
perspective.
Step into who you are today.You're someone that has nothing
to prove because the person thatmatters most loves you the most,
and he's proud of who you arebecoming. Realize that the one
(11:19):
that matters most accepts youfor who you are, is proud of
you, and loves you for whatyou're becoming. Because of
that, you have nothing to prove.RT was right when he said, the
greatest freedom is havingnothing to prove.
(11:40):
Hey. Thanks for stopping by. Ifyou are encouraged or inspired,
we'd love for you to hit thelike button. Better yet, why not
share this podcast with afriend? And for sure, reach out
to us at ray sanders.com.
We would love to hear from you.That pretty much does it for
this show today. Thanks forjoining us on the Ray Sanders
(12:02):
Leadership Podcast. We're inyour corner for life and work.
I have a few questions for you today. The first one is,
what are you trying to prove?Then, who are you trying to
impress? You know, for a lot ofus, we spend most of our lives
with a sort of chip on ourshoulder. We go through life
either consciously orsubconsciously with something to
(00:21):
prove.
Today on the podcast, I want todive into this urge we have to
prove ourselves. I will shareparts of my story and insights I
discovered while working at theUnited States Senate. Stay with
me, and you will learn how thegreatest freedom in life comes
from having nothing to prove.Hello, everyone. I'm Ray
(00:47):
Sanders, and you're listening tothe Ray Sanders Leadership
Podcast.
Welcome back to the Ray SandersLeadership Podcast. You know, it
means a lot to me that we couldspend some time together. I
recently came across a quote byRT Kendall. The quote says, the
greatest freedom is havingnothing to prove. You know, I
(01:10):
asked you before, but let me askyou again.
What are you trying to prove?Who are you trying to impress?
What if the one that mattersmost accepts you for who you
are, is proud of you, and loveswhat you are becoming. You know,
so many times we criticizeourselves and are hard on
ourselves because we don't likewho we are. But who are we
(01:33):
becoming?
What's our full potential? Ithink that's how our creator
sees us, and he's the one thatmatters most. I believe it is
then that we begin to recognizethat we have nothing to prove.
When we do so, we feel free fromthe past, free to live in the
(01:54):
present, and free to pursue thefuture with pure joy and without
fear. You know, when I was alittle boy, I grew up in about a
900 square foot home.
That's right. It wasn't realbig. In fact, my home now that I
live in is about 4 times thatsize. And when I drive back by
(02:15):
that old home, I'm amazed thatwe did all we did in that small
little home. I used to joke thatI didn't have a, a shower until
I was 15, and people would lookat me and go, you didn't have a
shower until you're 15.
Does that mean you didn't bathe?I didn't say I didn't bathe. I
said I didn't have a showeruntil I was 15. You know, we we
(02:36):
really didn't. We didn't have ashower until we moved to a new
house, and my got out of thathot shower.
I never will forget. It was sogreat. Not that I don't still
like a good bath now and again.You know, I often tell people
that I grew up one block fromthe wrong side of the tracks. My
dad was a working class guy.
He worked for a trucking companyand unloaded trucks on the dock.
He was married to my mom when hewas about 22, 23, and she was
(03:02):
pregnant with me when she was15. And, we weren't we weren't
poor, but we certainly didn'thave a lot of things that a lot
of other kids in my town had.And I never will forget I had
the opportunity one time to goto the richest kid in town's
house. And as I walked up to thehouse, I couldn't believe, first
of all, how huge it was.
(03:23):
They had multiple garages. Ithink there must have been 4 or
5, and they had little golfcarts and go karts are, running
around on the grounds, and theyhad people mowing their yard,
and then they had maids inlittle dresses, and their house
was just absolutely huge. Andwhen I walked into his bedroom
with the other guys, my Iimmediately thought, his bedroom
(03:44):
is as almost as big as my house.And not only that, he had this
closet where you walked into,and it was as big as my bedroom.
And then he had his own bathroomwith a shower and a toilet all
to himself.
I was thinking, man, this guyhas it made. And then I thought
to myself, I don't really feellike I belong here. I had very
(04:05):
low self esteem. I was insecure.And I realized maybe I just
didn't fit in.
Well, fast forward many yearslater, and I'm in the car
driving to, Tulsa from OklahomaCity, and my wife is noticing
that I'm kinda down and notexactly my typical peppy self.
(04:26):
And she said, hey. What's goingon? I said, you know, I don't
know. I just can't shake it.
I just feel kind of insecureabout some people I'm hanging
out with. I I just don't knowthat I I have what it takes. I
was really doubting myself. Andshe listens listened well like
she often does. And as I'mtalking to her, I I looked over
and I said, I figured it out.
I figured it out. I'm not thatlittle boy anymore. She said,
(04:51):
that not not that little boyanymore. What are you talking
about? I I said, I'm not thatlittle boy that grew up in that
little 900 square foot house.
You know, I might have been thefirst on my mom's side and
second on my dad's to go tocollege, but I've done a lot of
things since then, and I'm notthat little boy anymore. And
then I was reminded in in thehouse that I grew up in, my I
(05:12):
think my dad had goodintentions, but I even had
things to prove to him as well.There were times that as the
oldest, I would go out and I'dbe mowing the yard, and my dad
would stand at the end of eachrow. And as I would turn around
to come back, he would bejudging me as to whether or not
the line that I had made withthe lawnmower was perfect. I
(05:34):
felt so much pressure to proveto him that I could mow the
yard.
If that wasn't enough, we had abig big garden in our backyard,
a huge garden with big tomatoesand potatoes and corn and things
like that and green beans thatwe would often snap. And at the
end of the season, we'd have tooften turn the soil. And I
remember one time I was settingout back with my dad and I had
(05:56):
to shovel, and I was turningsome dirt, and he snatched it
out of me my hand, and he says,what are you doing? Don't you
even know how to shovel dirt?And I thought, oh, man.
I gotta prove to him that I candig a hole in the ground. He
took the shovel off the groundand gave it to my brother and
said, here, show him how to dig.You know, may not seem that much
of a deal to you, but for me, itwas my little brother, and I was
(06:19):
was embarrassed. I thought I'mgonna prove him wrong. And there
was there were times that wewould go out back and we would
play basketball and, you know, Iwas okay.
I wasn't great. My littlebrother was much more athletic
than me, much faster. He wouldhit all the shots. My dad would
be proud of him. And I rememberhim saying to me one day, you
know, Ray, you probably ought tofigure out something else.
I don't think you're gonna beable to play basketball. And it
(06:41):
really hurt me because I knew hehad played basketball when he
was in high school, and I wantedto be like my dad. I just didn't
have the aptitude. What do youthink I did? I was gonna prove
him wrong.
And, yeah, I tried out for thefootball team. I didn't like it.
I probably should have because Iwas kind of a big kid in those
days. And I played baseball, butI couldn't do that because I had
to work in the summers. And so Icontinued to play basketball.
(07:05):
And do you think I proved it tohim? Absolutely not. He was
right. I was terrible. But Ilived with that for most of my
life.
I just wanted to prove himwrong, but I didn't. You know,
fast forward, and I went tocollege, and there were some
people in my life that reallyencouraged me. I was surprised,
quite frankly, that I didn't endup on a dock or doing something
(07:28):
like what my dad had done orworked on a farm or something
like that. But lo and behold, Iwent to school and I ended up
getting a job at the UnitedStates Senate in Washington DC.
I I really couldn't believe thatthis kid from Canadian County in
Oklahoma had gotten a job in theUnited States Senate, and I had
the privilege of working withall kinds of US senators in a
nonpartisan role for withDemocrats and Republicans and
(07:50):
otherwise.
And I even had a chance to workwith the president of the United
States. It was it was amazing,the opportunities that I had.
And, you know, not too long ago,a federal judge asked me. He
said, what has surprised youmost in your work with leaders?
And in my mind, I went back tothose days when I was working in
the United States senate.
Oh, I must have been probably23, maybe 24 years of age. And
(08:15):
oftentimes, after the senatewould be in session, the
senators would be asked to go onan evening news on NBC, ABC, CBS
to give a statement about sometype of legislation or some
world event. And oftentimes, Iwould be the only one there in
the studio running camera,taking care of the senator. I
never will forget one night Iwas with a particular senator, I
won't mention him by name, And,he was preparing to go on the
(08:39):
evening news, and he looked atme, and our eyes met. And I
could tell in looking in hiseyes, he was afraid.
He was scared, and he looked upat me. We had become friends
over the course of the years Ihad worked there, and he says,
what do you think I ought tosay? What's the first thing that
I should say? Do I look okay?How about my hair?
What do you what do you think?And it was in that moment that I
(09:03):
realized the way that I wouldanswer this federal judge later
years in my life is the thingthat surprised me most in my
work with leaders is howinsecure they were. And you know
what? He was nervous. He wasscared, and he was insecure.
He was out to prove something toeveryone, that he was a United
(09:24):
States senator, one of the mostpowerful men in the world. Dare,
they know about hisinsecurities. You know, the
truth is we are all insecure. Sowhy do we try to prove that we
are? We wanna try to prove thatwe're strong.
We wanna try to prove that we'reconfident. We wanna try to prove
that we're capable, and it showsup in all kinds of ways. It
(09:47):
shows up in our work. It showsup in our home. And in our
relationships, we're out toprove something.
So let's talk about you for aminute. Let's say you're walking
into a room or you're attendinga party or a family gathering.
What are you thinking before youwalk through the door? Are you a
(10:09):
little self conscious? Are youchecking your reflection in the
glass on the front door or maybein a mirror that you pass by?
Are you practicing your smile orpushing your shoulders back? Are
you working on your handshake onthe way over? You know what?
This tells me that you havesomething to prove. You know,
(10:31):
you're probably like me.
You're frozen in time, and whatyou need to realize is you're
not that little boy anymore.You're not that little girl
anymore. Let me encourage you.Do not resume the role. Don't
resume the role that you'vealways played.
You're not that little boy.You're not that little girl. You
(10:53):
have nothing to prove to yourdad. You have nothing to prove
to your mom, your brothers, yoursisters, or anybody else that's
in your in in in that room or inyour family. Reset your
perspective.
Step into who you are today.You're someone that has nothing
to prove because the person thatmatters most loves you the most,
and he's proud of who you arebecoming. Realize that the one
(11:19):
that matters most accepts youfor who you are, is proud of
you, and loves you for whatyou're becoming. Because of
that, you have nothing to prove.RT was right when he said, the
greatest freedom is havingnothing to prove.
(11:40):
Hey. Thanks for stopping by. Ifyou are encouraged or inspired,
we'd love for you to hit thelike button. Better yet, why not
share this podcast with afriend? And for sure, reach out
to us at ray sanders.com.
We would love to hear from you.That pretty much does it for
this show today. Thanks forjoining us on the Ray Sanders
(12:02):
Leadership Podcast. We're inyour corner for life and work.
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