EP 45: "We're Stuck After the Disclosure of Infidelity" When is it Time for an Intensive?

Today, relationship and expert therapist James Annear joins me to discuss when it's time to forgo individual or couples work and proceed right ahead to an intensive. 

If you're on my page, you know the disclosure of infidelity is a devastating moment in any relationship. Whether the betrayal was emotional, physical, or both, it strikes at the core of trust and safety between partners. While many couples turn to individual or weekly couples therapy for support and guidance, there are circumstances where this traditional approach may not be sufficient. In some cases, a relationship intensive—an immersive, multi-day therapeutic experience—may be a more appropriate and effective route for healing. Knowing when to forgo regular therapy in favor of an intensive can make the difference between prolonged suffering and a path toward meaningful repair.

The Nature of an Intensive
A relationship intensive, often conducted over one to three full days, provides concentrated therapeutic work with a trained specialist like James and his wife Sharon who have both been through infidelity and addiction. Unlike weekly sessions that typically last 50 minutes and stretch over months, intensives offer uninterrupted time to dive deeply into the root issues of the relationship, address trauma, process the affair, and build a new framework for communication and trust. 

Why Traditional Therapy Sometimes Falls Short
While weekly therapy is beneficial in many contexts, it can present several limitations in the wake of infidelity and without expert help, many mistakes are made and many couples are unfortunately mishandled.  

Escalating Conflict: Weekly sessions often do not provide enough containment for couples in crisis. If emotions are volatile—such as anger, shame, or grief—short, infrequent sessions may be insufficient to de-escalate conflict or facilitate real connection.

Therapist Mismatch: Some therapists may not be specifically trained in affair recovery or betrayal trauma. A mismatch in therapeutic focus or skill can lead to further misunderstanding or harm.

Readiness and Urgency: Some couples are in a time-sensitive situation—perhaps considering separation or divorce—and need to determine, quickly and with support, whether their relationship has a viable path forward. Weekly sessions may not provide answers fast enough.

When to Consider an Intensive
There are several signs that an intensive may be a better option than traditional therapy after the disclosure of infidelity:

1. The Crisis Feels Too Big for Weekly Therapy
When the emotional impact of the affair is overwhelming, and one or both partners feel like they’re drowning in pain, confusion, or rage, an intensive provides immediate structure and emotional containment. It can offer clarity and de-escalation that weekly sessions often cannot provide in the short term.

2. The Betrayal is Part of a Larger Pattern
If the affair is not an isolated incident but part of a long-standing pattern of deceit, boundary violations, or emotional disengagement, a deeper intervention is needed. Intensives allow therapists to explore historical dynamics, family-of-origin wounds, and systemic patterns that contribute to chronic disconnection.

3. The Couple Wants to Rebuild But Doesn’t Know How
After infidelity, some couples desperately want to stay together but feel unequipped to rebuild trust or intimacy. An intensive gives them dedicated time to begin this work with the guidance of a specialist, offering a structured approach to re-establish emotional safety, accountability, and a new foundation for the relationship.

5. Stalled or Re-Traumatizing Progress in Traditional Therapy
If the couple has already tried regular counseling and feels stuck, misunderstood, or re-traumatized, it may be time for a reset. Intensives often provide trauma-informed care that validates the betrayed partner’s e