SCP-609 - Dr. Wondertainment's Ontological 6-Balls®

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"SCP-609" by Silberescher, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/scp-609. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
This is data Specialist Sanders of the Data Redundancy Project
SEP six zero nine Object classes Keeter Special containment procedures.
All personnel must conduct Protocol ninety four Wagner GIASTO before
observing any number of SCP six zero nine Dash one
to ensure a clear and focused mind. Agents who locate

(00:28):
instances of SCP six zero nine Dash one are to
immediately break visual contact until the object is contained. Update
SCP six zero nine has been transferred. It is now
to be contained in opaque locked bins at storage Site
thirty two. Because control of SP six zero nine Dash
one is highly difficult due to ironic process theory, only

(00:51):
trained researchers with Level two clearance and above are permitted
to view it for experimental purposes. SCP six zero nine
Dash A is to two be secured in storage Locker
eleven at Research Facility five. Viewing the text of SCP
six zero nine Dash A in whole or in part
requires permission from the head researcher. Description SEP six zero

(01:13):
nine is a collection of identical green billiard balls in
the American pool style, which measure fifty seven point one
five millimeters in diameter and are believed to exist only
as immaterial manifestations of a concept. Instances of SEP six
zero nine, designated SP six zero nine Dash one, are
unbound by physical laws. Each instance is impervious to damage,

(01:37):
undetectable except by the naked eye, and unable to conduct heat. Instead,
they always feel cold to the touch. Sep six zero
nine Dash one can be manipulated by thought. When a
sapient creature is in direct visual contact with SEP six
zero nine Dash one, it will emulate the actions the
user imagines, including motion, duplication and instae staneous manifestation at

(02:01):
a visualized location. Observers cannot alter the physical appearance of
SP six zero nine Dash one or erase it from existence.
According to the object's documentation, SEP six zero nine Dash
A is described below. Sep six zero nine is intended
to be a literalistic embodiment of Plato's theory of form.
Researchers have conjectured that SEP six zero nine can be

(02:24):
controlled through visualization because SCP six zero nine Dash one
and the concept of SCP six zero nine Dash one
are the same object, and that SP six zero nine
Dash one cannot be damaged or otherwise mutilated because SCP
six zero nine Dash one is a manifestation of an
immutable metaphysical form. If multiple observers attempt to activate SEP

(02:48):
six zero nine Dash one simultaneously, an additional instance of
SEP six zero nine Dash one will manifest for each
observer as a result of its thought activated replication. SP
six zero nine Dash one has proliferated under Foundation Custody
c Document six zero nine dash A for current estimates.
When SCP six zero nine Dash one is relocated to

(03:11):
or generated in an area outside of the viewer's visual range,
a recovery mission is required to resume full containment of
SEP six zero nine. Locations from which SEP six zero
nine Dash one have been recovered include the Research Facility
five kitchen, the Research Facility five second floor bathroom, the

(03:31):
apartment of researcher redacted, on top of a television a
warehouse in Pasadena, where SEP redacted had been recently located
the set of television series Redacted. Breach occurred during a taping.
All footage of the event was confiscated and amnestics were
administered to all witnesses. The frontal lobe of assistant researcher redacted.

(03:53):
The mammary tissue of researcher redacted Earth's moon currently unrecoverable.
Six zero nine was recovered with a yellow box believed
to be its packaging. The boxes labeled Doctor Entertainment's Ontological
six Ball in large text, although the typography differs in
comparison to other products recovered from the same manufacturer. Smaller

(04:15):
graphics below the title depict a marble bust of Plato
with a speech balloon that says it really exists and
an unidentified grinning woman exclaiming now subject to causality. A
green poolball is visible inside through a cellophane window. The
following text is printed on the back. Hey, kids, have
you ever wondered whether your experiences are fully authentic or

(04:37):
if only your thoughts are real and the world around
you as a web of lies? Now the question is immaterial.
With your new Ontological six ball, you can use your
imagination to make the hottest new learning toy that cannot
not be. It floats. Send it into the air with
your thought power it flies. Did you think it could
only float without moving? You should be sarter than that.

(05:00):
It can go anywhere? Think real hard of any place
fun times can be had. Ontological six ball is probably
there already. It possesses the highest and most fundamental kind
of reality. All other objects which share its form are
imperfect reflections of its ultimate truth. Did you create it
or did it create you? Don't put descartes before the horse.

(05:22):
If you don't think this is the grievous toy out there,
Hume must be joking. Caution some assembly required. Doctor Entertainment
assumes no liability for injuries, accidents, or existential nauchic cause
by a physical or intellectual misuse of ontological six ball.
Doctor Entertainment does not endorse syllipsism, and any ominous implications
that result from use of ontological six ball are not

(05:43):
views shared by Doctor Entertainment. Ontological six ball is not
beholden to space time. Ontological six ball cannot be forgotten
or unlearned. No copyright date, retail sticker, or other identifying
information is present on the packaging. The package was not
intended to contain SEPC six ERR nine dash one. The
object seen through the cellfhane window is a paper display

(06:04):
insert designed to simulate a billiard ball. Instead, the object
designated SCP six R nine dash A is enclosed. SCP
six R nine Dash A is a cognito hazardous thirty
two page booklet titled Doctor W Entertainment's Ontological six Ball
Assembly Guide. The first page consists of a disclaimer caution

(06:26):
make sure to read all instructions and warnings before assembling
or operating ontological six ball. Inadequate, modified, or otherwise improper
assembly of ontological six ball may result in undesired functions.
If ontological six ball begins to surround you to the
exclusion of everything else, making you feel confused, lonely, and

(06:46):
like the only thing you could ever be sure of
is the ontological six ball, stop playing and take a break.
By possessing ontological six ball or any included material, including
knowledge of the existence of ontological six ball, you agree
to accept all liability for consequences accidental or metaphysically inherent
of ontological six ball, and also consent that ontological six

(07:09):
ball will always be a fundamental part of who you are.
Have fun. The remaining pages contain comprehensive instructions on assembling SEP.
Six zero nine dash one through careful directed thought. Printed
in six point type with no illustrations, the booklet describes
in exhaustive detail, the appearance, construction, physical properties and behavior,

(07:32):
cultural significance and symbolism, and other aspects of a pool
ball made in America circ of the nineteen seventies, as
related by someone in a state of severe mental distress.
Test subjects who read SAP six zero nine dash a
in its entirety have demonstrated the ability to generate SEP
six zero nine dash one through concentration. Although amnestic therapy

(07:55):
is ineffective in reversing this effect, it can erase knowledge
of the ability from subject's minds, generally eliminating its use
unless the subject is somehow informed or reminded of the
ability through for example, viewing a pool table, a spherical object,
the color green, or the number six. You can get

(08:20):
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