Episode 184: Why Do I Sabotage My Relationships? (And How to Stop)

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In today’s podcast episode, we’re going to answer the question: “Why do I sabotage my relationships?” and I’m going to share with you three practical tips on how to stop sabotaging yourself.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to The Simplify Your Life Podcast,where we talk about how to create a life you
won’t need an escape from!
I’m Coach Simona, author of the book “111Ways to Simplify Your Life”, and I’m glad
you decided to tune in.
In today’s podcast episode, we’re goingto answer the question: “Why do I sabotage

(00:20):
my relationships?”
and I’m going to share with you three practicaltips on how to stop sabotaging yourself.
Now, before we get into my step-by-step guideon how to stop sabotaging your relationships,
let’s first define what self-sabotage actuallymeans.
A popular definition of self-sabotage is behaviorthat undermines your success despite your
own wishes, dreams, or values.

(00:40):
So, in a nutshell, self-sabotage is relatedto behaviors or thought patterns that hold
you back and prevent you from achieving thethings that you want, which, in this case,
is having a healthy, loving relationship withsomeone.

Now, the second important question is (00:52):
Why do I sabotage my relationships?
There are many reasons why you might be sabotagingyour relationships, but I’m going to focus
on three of them.
The first one is lack of self-confidence
If you question your worth, feel like you’renot good enough, or you don’t deserve to
be with that person, that’s a sign you needto work on building self-confidence.

(01:13):
When you lack self-confidence, you might feeljealous, insecure about your partner’s relationships
with others, and start engaging in self-sabotagingbehavior.
You may start doubting yourself, questioningevery move, and overthinking every little
fight you have.
Lack of self-confidence robs you of your abilityto be present with your significant others,
because you’re too preoccupied with thinkingabout all the things that could potentially

(01:35):
go wrong, and as a result, you start sabotagingyour relationship.
We often lack self-confidence when we’redisconnected from our true, authentic selves.
I’ve already made an in-depth video on thistopic, so if want o learn
more, make sure to watch it after this oneat:
youtube.com/coachsimona
The second reason why you might be sabotagingyour relationship is fear of rejection

(01:58):
If you felt unwanted by your caretakers growingup or lived in a hostile environment that
prevented you from feeling safe, you mighthave developed this fear.
When you fear rejection as an adult, thiscan show up in many forms: you may feel inadequate,
weird, awkward, and prefer to stay silentwhen you need to speak up.
Fear of rejection can only be healed onceyou learn how to forgive anyone who knowingly

(02:21):
or unknowingly hurt you in the past and workon becoming comfortable in your own skin.
When it comes to fear of rejection in relationships,it might develop later in life when you experience
someone embarrassing you, humiliating youin public, cheating on you, or spreading rumors
about you.
Fear of rejection is difficult to overcomebecause all of your defenses might go up the
moment you sense even the slightest changein your partner’s behavior.

(02:43):
You might be expecting the worst to happen,and push them away without having any adequate
reason to do so.
And the third most common reason for sabotagingyourself is fear of abandonment.
Where does fear of abandonment from?
It usually happens when you fear that yourcaretakers might leave you, or they don’t
pay enough attention to you.
It may have something to do with the deathof a parent, or someone who constantly works

(03:04):
and has no time for you.
When you fear abandonment as an adult, thatcan show up in one of the following forms:
you may be too afraid to get into a relationshipbecause you fear what will happen if this
person decides to leave you.
You may be too scared to stand up for yourselfbecause you’re afraid that the people you
care about will abandon you once they seeyour true self.
Fear of abandonment can only be healed onceyou learn how to enjoy your own company and

(03:27):
trust yourself to take care of your own emotionalneeds.
By realizing that being separate from yourpartner is the only way to grow as an individual,
you will have a strong, healthy relationship,and you will stop sabotaging your love life.
And here’s something that’s rarely talkedabout but I think applies to all three reasons
for sabotaging your relationships, and thatis being afraid of getting hurt, which leads

(03:49):
to pushing people away.
The problem is that by fighting with yourpartner, you’re hurting yourself and your
relationship by playing out fictitious scenariosin your mind that have nothing to do with
reality. Now, I'm going to share with you my
three-step guide to stop sabotagingyour relationships.
Step #1 is to Observe your self-sabotagingthoughts without acting on them

(04:10):
How can you observe your thoughts withoutactually engaging with them?
First, you need to become aware of them, sothat you can spot them next time they arise
in your mind.
Here are some common examples of self-sabotagingthoughts: “I don’t deserve it”, “I’m
not good enough”, “People always leaveme”, “I’m unloveable”, etc.
All of these thoughts might prompt you toact on them.
For example, if you think you’re not goodenough, you may constantly find reasons to

(04:33):
pick fights with your partner.
You might feel insecure, jealous, or anxious,and that might prompt you to act out in a
self-sabotaging way.
Before you can change your behavior, you needto be aware of all these thoughts, since they’re
the first thing that happens, before you feelthe intense emotions, which actually leads
me to the second step, which is to:
Become aware of your emotions
Once you’re aware of the negative thoughtsthat are going through your mind when you’re

(04:54):
about to do something that could potentiallysabotage your relationship, it’s time to
pay attention to the emotions you feel asa result of these thoughts.
What sensations are most prominent in yourbody?
Do you feel anxious, angry, sad, or frustrated?
Can you spot a pattern when it comes to theemotions you feel most often when you’re
about to say or do something that you mightregret later?

(05:15):
The more aware you become of your emotions,the easier it will be to regulate them.
There are lots of ways to practice emotionalregulation, but I’m going to share with
you one of my favorite exercises.
It’s called “STOP AND REFLECT”.
Next time you feel an intense emotion, I wantyou to imagine that there’s a huge red stop
button in front of you and I want you to imaginepressing it.
By visualizing it in your mind, it will beeasier for you to pause before reacting and

(05:39):
think of a better way to handle the situation.
Let’s say you feel jealous and you’reabout to pick a fight with your significant
other.
You feel angry, and right before you’reabout to storm into the room, you hit the
big red button, take a few deep breaths, andstart reflecting on it.
Are the emotions you’re feeling actuallyfacts?
Is there a valid reason to feel this way?
Has your partner given you any reason to doubtthem?

(06:00):
Spend some time alone and reflect on youremotions, before taking any action.
Which leads me to the next step, which isto
Choose an alternative behavior
Now that you’ve slowed down and regulatedyour emotions, it’s time to think of a healthier
behavior that you can engage in next timeyou’re faced with self-sabotaging thoughts
and emotions.
What can you do instead of fighting them?

(06:21):
How can you not blame them, but have a healthy,constructive discussion?
What can you do so you don’t activate theirdefenses but have an authentic connection
and effective communication?
One of the first things you can do is tostart your sentences with “I”
instead of "You."
For example, instead of saying “You makeme feel” say, “I feel”, or instead of

(06:42):
telling them what they need to do, tell themwhat you think would be the best way to handle
the situation, and let them decide for themselves.
One more thing that would help when you feellike you’re about to sabotage your relationship,
is instead of reacting, choose to spend some timealone, recognizing that some of your insecurities
might be causing you to react this way, andnot talking to them about the issue at all.

(07:05):
Depending on the situation, some things arenot worth sharing, especially if you’ve
noticed that they have nothing to do withthe other person and are all about your own
insecurities and shortcomings.
For example, if you have a history of fearof abandonment, you might subconsciously sabotage
your relationships by acting in a way thatpushes your partner away.

And here’s my BONUS tip for you (07:22):
Don’t take yourself too seriously
We often sabotage ourselves because we paytoo much attention to our self-image, the
way we’re being perceived by others, andall the things we want to portray.
You want to hear the truth that your ego doesn’twant to know about?
You’re not that important.
I’m not that important.
We’re all part of something so much bigger.

(07:44):
So, there’s no point in overthinking yourrelationship so much.
You’re sabotaging yourself because you’rescared.
There’s no need to be.
Even if your relationship fails,
you’re still going to be okay.
Because you’re already enough.
So stop taking yourself too seriously, havefun with what you’re doing, and slowly but
surely, sabotaging your relationships willbecome a thing of the past.
And if you want my step-by-step framework on how to love and accept

(08:07):
every part of yourself, make sure to checkout The Self-Love Toolkit by visiting:
www.theselflovetoolkit.com
Thanks so much for tuning in!
If you enjoyed this podcast episode, pleaselike it, subscribe, and I will see you in
the next one.