Episode 189: 8 Love Lessons (That I Learned the Hard Way)

✨[NEW] Download FREE Journaling Worksheet ➔ https://coachsimona.com/shadow

In today’s podcast episode, I'll share with you the 8 love lessons that I learned the hard way, and what I wish I knew about dating in my 20s.

💖 Get Instant Access to The Self-Love Toolkit ➔ https://coachsimona.com/toolkit/

🎥 Watch the Video Podcast ➔ https://youtube.com/coachsimona

⚡️ Follow me on Instagram ➔  https://www.instagram.com/coachsimonaofficial/

Disclaimer: All podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not intended as a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health provider.

All Rights Reserved © 2024, Coach Simona

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to The Simplify Your Life Podcast,where we talk about how to create a life you

(00:03):
won’t need an escape from!
I’m Coach Simona, author of the book “111Ways to Simplify Your Life”, and I’m glad
you decided to tune in!
Today's podcast episode is going to be a little bit different.
I wanted to share with you the 8 love lessons that I’ve learned
over the the last 35 years, and all the things I wishI knew about relationships when I was younger.

(00:26):
The first love lesson is that
There’s a Good Chance Your First Love Won’tBe Your Last
To be honest with you, it took me a few yearsback in high school to wrap my head around
this one.
I’ve always been a sucker for romantic movies,but life doesn't work like that
and more often than not, our first loves aremeant to stay precisely where they began:
in our teenage years.
But why does it happen?
Our brains aren’t fully developed untilwe’re in our mid-twenties which means if

(00:49):
we experience our first love beforehand, there’sa high chance it wouldn’t stand the test
of time.

Don't get me wrong (00:54):
I know some high school sweethearts who managed
to keep the spark alive throughout the years, but for the most part,
your first love isnot likely to stay with you for the rest of your life.
And that’s okay.
The second love lesson that I learned is that
You Need to Get Vulnerable If You Want toBe In a Relationship
If you’ve experienced a lot of pain in yourpast, it’s normal to build an emotional
wall to protect yourself.

(01:14):
Every time someone hurts you, you fight backand promise yourself never to open up again.
The wall keeps growing bigger and bigger.
Until you completely shut your feelings off.
If you often feel empty or numb, make sure to check out this episode next.
I will leave a link to it in the description boxbelow. Now, back to the topic of vulnerability..
I’ve been in a few serious relationships where I really loved the other person,

(01:35):
but they all ended badly because I wanted to protect myself from getting hurt.
I’ve been with people who loved me
but couldn’t commit or felt vengeful becausethey couldn’t communicate their hurt and
frustration in a constructive way.
Until I met my husband about 10 years ago.
And through a lot of inner work, love, andacceptance we were able to build a strong
foundation for our relationship that is basedon trust, respect, and honesty.
Now, let’s move onto the next love lessonthat I learned the hard way:

(01:58):
Life Is Short, Make the First Move
We’ve all heard stories about people whoremained in the friend zone forever.
If you don’t take a chance on love, youmay miss out on the opportunity to find your
soulmate.
It’s not easy to build up the courage toexpress your feelings, but it’s always worth it.

Now, the question remains (02:12):
Should women approach men?
Or is that a recipe for a future disaster?
In my personal opinion, it doesn’t matterwho begins the conversation.
I think as a society, we’ve grown past that.
Yes, it can be tough to tell the person youlove what they mean to you, but if you don’t
give it a try, you will spend the rest ofyour life wondering what could have happened.
And one thing you don’t want to do is livea life full of regrets.

(02:33):
So make the first move.
Love lesson #4 is that
Your Partner Can’t Read Your Mind
When I was in my early 20s, I got angry atmy partners for not doing what I expected
them to do.
I had this toxic belief that ‘If he reallyloves me, he’ll know what to do.’
But the truth is that the other person can’t readyour mind, no matter how many hints you give them.
If you want to build a deeper connection withyour partner, be honest about your needs and

(02:55):
wants, always speak your mind, share yourbeliefs and opinions, and express your feelings openly.
The problem is that by trying to imply thingsor give them clues, you’re not giving them
a clear message, and that could be truly confusingif you’re on the receiving end of that.
What’s interesting to note here is thatsometimes the things we want from other people
have something to do with relying on externalvalidation and not knowing how to meet our

(03:15):
own emotional needs.
If you think that is the case for you, you’llfind my video on how to validate yourself
very helpful.
You can watch it after this one by visiting:
youtube.com/coachsimona
The next love lesson that I learned is that
Great Relationships Require a Lot of Work
Every relationship begins with the honeymoonphase: you’re in love and willing to go
the extra mile to make it work.

(03:36):
In time, reality kicks in, and you start fightingover little things like who forgot to buy
the milk or who should do the dishes.
That’s normal, but that’s not all thereis.
Relationships require a lot of work.
The truth is that you can’t rely on lovealone to sustain the relationship.
You need to build a strong foundation by havingcommon values, knowing how to meet your partner’s

(03:56):
needs and your own needs, and being able torediscover each other no matter how many years
you’ve been together.
The next love lesson is a combination of twovery similar concepts:
Don’t Force Your Partner to Change/Don’tLet Them Change You
When you’re in love, everything about yourpartner seems so magical: the way they walk,
the way they talk, the way their hair shinesin the sunlight…
One day, you wake up, and you can’t standall these little things you used to love!

(04:20):
You want them to act differently, you haveall these massive expectations, and you want
them to react in a certain way that fits yourdream scenario.
While there’s nothing wrong with wantingyour partner to become a better version of
themselves, nagging is the worst thing youcould do.
They don’t have to change who they are justto please you, and you don’t have to walk
on eggshells either.
You need to understand that peoplecan only change IF they want to.

(04:41):
Even if they seemingly change because of you,they’ll most likely fall back into their
old habits or start resenting you for makingthem do it.
As humans, we don’t like being told whatto do.
If you want to help the person that you love,tell them your opinion and give them the space
to make their own decision.
After all, it’s their life, not yours.
And as far as the other part of this lovelesson goes, don’t let them change you either.

(05:02):
This doesn’t mean you can’t adjust yourhabits and routines, especially if you live together.
I’m talking about being clear about whoyou are as a person and aware of the fact
that you probably can’t change your entirepersonality for them, and frankly, you shouldn't.
If either of you has completely different set of core values and goals for the future, you have

two options (05:20):
1. Accept the person for who they are because they’re highly unlikely to change,
or 2. You could both find someone who is a bettermatch.
Which brings me to the next love lesson whichis that:
You Can Be Right, or You Can Be Happy
When you’re in the middle of a fight withsomeone you love, it can be difficult to handle
the situation because you want to ‘win’the argument.
When I was a teen, I remember hearing thesaying: ‘You can be right or you can be

(05:42):
happy’, but it took me about ten years anda lot of relationship drama to understand
it fully.
As we all know, life isn’t black or white
There are lots of shades in between.
We all have different opinions, but sometimesthe outcome is more important than being right.
Sometimes you can be both, but it’s a rareoccasion.
Even if you win the argument, you will mostlikely hurt the person you love, and that’s
not the best outcome either.

(06:03):
So, choose wisely.
Which brings me to the next love lesson whichis that:
Love Is the Only Thing Stronger Than Fear
This is the most important lesson for one simple reason:
Every time you run for the hillsin the middle of an argument with your partner
or you fear being on your own while they’reprocessing things, you’re either afraid
or you don’t know how to communicate your feelings.
Two types of fears create thepush-pull dynamic:

(06:27):
Fear of engulfment (which is feeling controlled anddominated by your partner, along with losing
yourself in the relationship)
And the second fear is Fear of abandonment (being rejected or abandoned by your partner, along with feeling unlovable).
When you’re experiencing either one of these fears,you put all the pressure on the other person,
and you’re missing the most crucial pieceof the puzzle: you.

(06:48):
Let’s talk about attachmentstyles.

There are three major styles of attachment: insecure (avoidant and anxious) and secure. (06:50):
undefined
Fear of engulfment is typical for the avoidanttype. They’re self-sufficient, independent,
dislike true intimacy, and tend to push awaytheir partners when they get too close.
They have commitment issues and would ratherfocus on their work, passions, or personal
projects than spend time with their partners.

(07:10):
If you have problems with detachment and you’vebeen noticing that every time you try to get
closer, your partner pulls away, that mightbe a sign that they’re obviously attached.
Fear of abandonment is a common characteristicfor the anxious type who often feel nervous
around their partner.
They’re constantly on the lookout for dramaand need a lot of affection and validation.
They struggle to be alone and are prone tofeeling jealous, overly sensitive, or obsessed

(07:34):
with their partners.
If you struggle with detachment, there’sa high chance you might be in this category.
Both of these attachment styles are insecure,which means they formed as a result of an
unstable, neglectful relationship with theirparents or primary caretakers.
According to Psychologist Mary Ainsworth,the other type of attachment is called secure
and stems from having a secure and lovingrelationship with their primary caretakers.

(07:56):
I’ve made an entire video on the art ofdetachment, so if you want to learn more
make sure to watch it after this one.
Now, back to love being the only thing strongerthan fear.
If you take a closer look at yourself, you’llfind that these insecure feelings come from
experiencing a traumatic event in the pastthat made you fear intimacy with others.
The good news is, you're not this personanymore, and you can choose to react differently.

(08:17):
One small step you can take in that directionis to start being honest about who you are,
what you want, what you don’t want, andwhere your boundaries lie in a relationship.
If you want to show your true authenticself to someone, you first need to be able
to get to know all parts of yourself and learnto love yourself, unconditionally.
I’ve created a free cheat sheet that will help youget to know your shadow self.

(08:37):
If you want to download it, just click thefirst link in the description box below or
head over to:
coachsimona.com/shadow
Thanks so much for tuning in!
If you enjoyed this podcast episode, pleaselike it, subscribe, and I’ll see you in
the next one!