52. Pity The Defeated Man

What happens when a man who expected to be Superman can’t even land a role as a henchman? His soul weeps.

Men often define themselves by what they contribute, so when that crumbles, they’re left with a deep sense of defeat.

The defeated man takes many forms: the executive battling imposter syndrome, the divorced father losing touch with his children, the worker whose dreams never materialized. Beneath it all lies shared humiliation and a desperate search for relief.

Yet, within failure lies strength. The man who falls and rises again gains resilience and wisdom that only hardship can teach. True success isn’t avoiding failure but having the courage to rebuild something greater.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show that we canall learn to live our lives just
a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
Every man will face some defeatin his life, but only some men

(00:31):
have the unfortunate ofexperiencing total defeat.
I've certainly felt defeated attimes in my life, and I've
known to some degree what itfeels like to have your
understanding of yourself beshattered as you find that you
do not make the cut, but I'venever felt the sting of feeling
completely unnecessary to theworld like some men have.
Men are inherently doers and assuch, their value in society is

(00:56):
tied to their ability toproduce, and when a man no
longer feels needed or evenwanted, he experiences a
humiliation that goes bone deep.
When you grow up thinking youwill be Superman, but are
disappointed in life to find youcannot even get a job as a
henchman for the bad guy, thevery soul of that man weeps.

(01:18):
Everyone is there for the manthat is trying to claw himself
out of that situation, but noone is there for him when he is
in the depths of it, because adefeated man doesn't want to be
seen and finds a way to pusheveryone else away.
But even if he didn't, adefeated man is not someone we

(01:40):
want to acknowledge.
The very existence of such mencauses the rest of us to become
all too aware of our owninsecurities and, as a result,
we are unable to see his pain.
There are a lot of ways todefeat a man, and you will find
that the shape of that defeatedman may not always fit your
expectations.
He may have been defeated inhis workplace.

(02:01):
He may have been defeated byhis spouse.
Defeated in his workplace, hemay have been defeated by his
spouse.
He may have been defeated longago by his parents, or he may
have been defeated back inschool.
A defeated man may be rich, hemay be handsome, he may be poor
and ugly, but regardless of whatshape he takes, he is feeling

(02:22):
the stinging pain of failure andhasn't found a way to get back
on his feet.
The defeated man is in constantpursuit of relief from his pain,
which he may find by belittlingothers, shouting at others,
hiding from others, by drinkingsmoking, through an obsessive
commitment to work or by chasingarousal by any means necessary.

(02:46):
The defeated man doesn't wantyour help so much as he wants
you to find a reason to love him.
He wants to know that there isa part of him that is worthy of
love and of admiration.
He wants you to look past hisflaws and see something in him
that is good.
But showing love to a defeatedman is like hugging a porcupine.

(03:10):
Sometimes all we can do is tostand at arm's length and to
give them our hope.
The next time you see adefeated man, try not to believe
that all he will ever be is adefeated man, because if you saw
him before he was defeated, youwould have seen a different man
.
And just as a winner can beginto lose, so too can the losing

(03:30):
side begin to win again.
You cannot give a defeated mansuccess, because no one has the
capacity to give that to himother than himself.
The more you give a defeatedman, the more you take from him.
The more you give a defeatedman, the more you take from him.
The path of the defeated man isa lonely one that only he can
walk, but if he so happens tofind himself on the other side

(03:52):
of his failure, there is nobetter man on earth.
So I hope, in a way, that allmen have the opportunity to walk
through the mire of deepfailure so that we might know
what it feels like to be trulysuccessful.
There is no man more successfulthan the one that has failed

(04:17):
first.
This is Skipping Stones.
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom and if youenjoyed the show, please like or
subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel

(04:37):
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.