55. People Will Like You More If You Say No to Them

What happens when we stop standing up for ourselves?

When do we become so focused on pleasing others that we fade into the background?

Boundaries shape our relationships, yet many struggle to set them. From childhood, we learn through resistance, testing limits to understand the world. In adulthood, when we offer no resistance, we paradoxically become unknowable. Genuine connection isn’t built through constant accommodation but by standing firm in who we are.

True relationships thrive in the middle ground, neither appeasing nor exploding, but existing confidently. You have the right to take up space.

What boundaries might you need to reinforce to create more authentic connections?

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.

(00:25):
Everybody starts out in life asa bully.
I'm not sure if you've noticed,but children are savages.
I find it amusing sometimes towatch my kids pick on each other
.
They are masters of poking ateach other's insecurities.
The funniest to watch is mythree-year-old, who likes to
tease my six-year-old.

(00:46):
She is three and she alreadyknows how to get her brother to
hyperventilate, and she likes it.
Ironically, part of what makeschildren so fun to watch is
their savagery.
They just are so curious aboutlife that they want to push on

(01:06):
everything, and this is how theylearn.
They poke at things untilsomething happens.
At the early stages of life, welearn about things by touching
them.
It isn't until we are olderthat we learn to think about
things in any abstract ways.
As infants, if we want to learnabout something, we grab it and

(01:26):
we touch it and we lick it andwe smell it and we squeeze it.
A bully is basically a personthat grew up and missed the boat
on learning things likecompassion and self-restraint.
We never stop pushing, poking,prodding or touching things.
As we age, we just become moresubtle.
If the things we wanted tolearn about did not provide any

(01:50):
resistance to us, it would belike trying to play with mist
you can see that it's there, butyou can't necessarily do
anything with it.
More or less the only thing youcan do with things like smoke,
fog or mist is to watch whatthey do when you move through
them.
You could almost argue that inorder to really learn to

(02:10):
understand anything, you have tobe able to touch and feel it,
and in order for anything to betouched or felt, it needs to
exist.
It needs to provide someresistance when you touch it.
As a result of this, if we donot provide any resistance to
other people, they will neverknow where to stop when they
reach out and they will neversee you as more than an image.

(02:32):
The amusement they will takefrom you is the same kind of
amusement a person takes fromwatching mist swirl around as
they move their hands through it.
A person that offers noresistance to others is almost
an unknowable person.
If a person gave me everythingI asked for.
How would that be differentfrom an inanimate object like a

(02:53):
computer?
I don't think people are ableto like us without some amount
of resistance, and if you knowsomeone that only seeks out
people that do not resist, Ithink it might be fair to say
that they don't actually likepeople.
Learning to exist is aboutlearning to like yourself just
enough that you are willing toinsist that what you want

(03:16):
actually matters.
Some of the time, it is as mucha service to the world as it is
to yourself.
When you learn to provide alittle resistance when it's
called for, when you fall intothe trap of appeasing too much,
you become resentful.
You become the kind of personthat is most likely to lash out
because you are the most pent up.
In a way, you become the leastpredictable, which possibly,

(03:41):
above all other traits, is theone necessary for sustained
long-term relationships.
I think sometimes, when we talkabout bullies, it really is a
little like evoking theboogeyman.
Not that bullies don't exist,but rather everybody is a bully
to some extent.
There's that innate part ofeveryone that wants to push on

(04:04):
other people to see what happens.
It may be counterbalanced withcompassion, guilt or fear, but
it's there in everyone.
If you could strip the mostcompassionate woman in the world
of her compassion and her senseof guilt over participating in
behaviors that are not acceptedby society, I guarantee she

(04:27):
would want to see what happenswhen she pushes on people.
Offering resistance to the pokesand prods of other people,
unfortunately, is not such asimple thing as do or do not.
There is a happy middle groundthat we have to intuit to be the
most effective.
On the other end, from beingthe person that provides no

(04:47):
resistance to other people'sactions, you have that person
that almost invites morenegative attention simply by
reacting so strongly to aperceived threat that they
become amusing to watch topeople.
A lot of times when a bully ispicking on someone, they're
being curious.
They're trying to see what youwill do.

(05:08):
It's just as novel for them tosee you put up a big show of
resistance as it is to watch youdo whatever they say.
So long as that person doesn'trepresent a threat, why wouldn't
they keep poking at them?
When you are overly defensive,you show your cards.
It becomes clear to the otherperson that you are insecure

(05:29):
about the thing that you are soardently defensive about.
I sometimes catch myself doingthis and I have to remind myself
that at the end of the day, thepeople accusing or picking on
you don't really care what yourexplanation is.
If they did, they would ask.
So don't offer a reason, don'tlet them get under your skin.

(05:49):
I tell my kids, when they starthyperventilating over something
they did to each other, thatwhen you react to the other's
prodding, you're giving thempower over you.
I try to remind them not togive power to other people
unnecessarily.
My daughter might be freakingout at her brother copying
everything she says while he ishaving the time of his life

(06:12):
watching the reaction.
Do not appease and do not blowup.
Bullies respond to boredom andto threat.
If they know you won't givethem a satisfying reaction, they
will get bored.
Or if they know you're capableof threatening them socially or
physically, they will find aneasier target.
For the most part, what wewould call bullying is the

(06:34):
domain of childhood, but as wegrow, those same dynamics play
out, albeit in a different way.
If you've taught yourself thatyou need to make everyone else
happy before you make yourselfhappy, you will be turning even
the most well-meaning peopleinto your enemies every time
they ask for something that youdo not want to give or do.

(06:55):
Anytime a well-meaning personfeels like you made a mistake or
did something wrong, you'regoing to react with a laundry
list of actions you took ontheir behalf that they never
even knew was a problem.
Do not give away that which youdo not wish to truly give away
If they can help it.
People don't generally wantothers to be martyrs on their

(07:17):
behalf when they did not ask forthat.
If you are going to give tosomeone, do not give it to build
up a tally of IOUs that theydon't even know about.
Give because you want to give,not for the sake of preempting
criticism or preparing yourdefense against an unknown
future concern.
Simply by existing, you havethe privilege of occupying space

(07:42):
on this earth and there is noreason why you should allow
others to treat you like you,shouldn't?
People prefer things that theycan touch and feel and they want
to know that people around themare real People that like
people will like you more if yousay no to them.

(08:05):
This is Skipping Stones.
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom, and if youenjoyed the show.
Please like or subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstones srcom.

(08:26):
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.