56. Love Your Past Self (repost)

That harsh inner voice constantly pointing out flaws and mistakes, doesn’t have to define your self-image.

We’ve been taught that self-criticism drives improvement, but what if it’s holding us back instead? A personal story about a childhood photo reveals how we’re often needlessly cruel to ourselves. Would you speak to a child the way you speak to yourself?

Instead of a harsh judge, our inner critic can be a compassionate coach. By forgiving ourselves for past mistakes, we create space for growth without self-hatred.

Next time the critic speaks, ask: Would I say this to someone I love? 

Treat yourself with the same care and patience, and watch how differently you move through the world.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
We are all going to make mistakes, we are going to
embarrass ourselves and we aregoing to learn.
You don't need an inner criticthat isn't rooting for your
success.
There are always going to beenough negative voices in the
world that are going to be thereto tear you down, and you can
make that one less voice.
Do you cringe when you thinkabout some of the things that

(00:27):
you've done?
Maybe you even feel some amountof shame over things you have
done in your past.
When you remember your pastself, do you hate that person
because they embarrassed you?
Do you feel like that personruined who you are today?
What does your self-talk soundlike?
Do you tell yourself you arestupid?

(00:47):
Do you seek out all of yourflaws and point them out in your
mind?
Think about what is going on inyour head.
Have you become your worstcritic?
Is it a good thing to be yourworst critic?
In the process of trying tobetter ourselves, sometimes we
turn into a kind of monster, thekind of monster that tears
other people down with no carefor how it might affect them.

(01:08):
It's not always a bad thing tohave an inner critic.
That inner critic has thepotential to help you improve,
but I don't understand why we sooften let that inner critic
behave like a heartless monster.
We will never get better at athing if we don't observe what
we did wrong and try to improveit.
We need that inner voice tohelp us get better at things.

(01:31):
The inner critic has a uniqueplace in our minds, though,
because it is us, yet in a wayit feels like someone else and,
for whatever reason, mean asthat voice can be, it doesn't
seem to sting quite so bad aswhen others say the same things.
It's preferable for most of usto have our inner critic say the

(01:53):
thing before somebody else hasa chance to say it.
But because there is some valuein having that inner critic,
sometimes we allow that innercritic to behave as badly as it
wants and, in effect, we giveourselves permission to hate
ourselves.
But do you really want someonethat hates you living in your
head?

(02:13):
When you have kids, you quicklyfind out how clueless for lack
of a better word dumb they canbe.
But you also understand, astheir parents, that they just
haven't had as much time tolearn what you've learned.
You could bark at them everytime they do something wrong.
You could hit them, you couldbeat them.
It will probably teach themsome lessons, but I think most

(02:35):
of us can probably agree thatroute is going to come with a
lot of baggage for that child.
Kids need you to correct them.
They need to learn the rules.
The more they learn, the betterchance they have at surviving
and ultimately being successfuladults.
Fortunately, we don't have tobeat them and yell at them for
them to learn things.

(02:55):
In fact, we can critique themin such a way that doesn't
burden them with low self-esteemand insecurities, and as much
as we seem to be able torecognize that it's not
necessarily a good thing to yelland scream and beat your
children.
Sometimes we ignore that lesson.
When it comes to our own innercritic, now, I've always had a

(03:19):
fairly harsh inner critic.
That's not unusual.
In fact, I think most peoplehave a fairly harsh inner critic
.
My inner critic.
That's not unusual.
In fact, I think most peoplehave a fairly harsh inner critic
.
My inner critic wouldfrequently call me something to
the effect of stupid or worse.
That inner voice was alwaysready to speak up and offer
unhelpful advice.
It didn't really bother me verymuch.
I suppose the rest of me if itwas responding to the critic.

(03:41):
I suppose the rest of me, if itwas responding to the critic,
would likely have said somethinglike yeah, I wouldn't even say
I was too terribly affected byit.
I continued to live a fairlyproductive life, but there is a
kind of added tension when thatnegative voice is always there.
I had an experience that reallychanged things for me.

(04:01):
In fact, it was really kind ofa surprise.
It came out of left field.
It wasn't a lesson that I wasexpecting to learn on that day.
So I'll start off and give youa little context.
I have always had a soft spotfor children.
When I see little kids, I feela kind of sympathy for them, I
guess you could say.
I see their vulnerability and Irecognize how helpless they are

(04:25):
, and that sympathy is pairedwith a kind of love for their
openness to love and to laugh.
On some random day, however,long ago, I got this picture
that my mom sent to me of thiscute little toddler, and when I
first looked at it I thought itwas my son and so, per usual, I
had that kind of sympathetic,love feeling that happens

(04:46):
especially when you see your ownkid.
And when I looked at thepicture again, I realized that
it wasn't actually a picture ofmy son, it was a picture of me.
Now, almost my entire life I'vehad this inner critic that was
saying a lot of unkind things tothat kid in that picture, and

(05:07):
in that moment I realized thatthat little kid did not deserve
to have anyone talk to him thatway, realized that that little
kid did not deserve to haveanyone talk to him that way, and
in that same moment I realizedthat that little child I was
seeing deserved to be forgivenfor his mistakes, and I was able
to recognize that his mistakeswere inevitable and he needed to
make them in order to learn.

(05:28):
I also became keenly aware ofeverything that child was going
to experience, with a God-likeknowledge of his future.
I felt an even greater level ofsympathy knowing what lows he
was going to have to deal with,and it really gave me a new
perspective.
It let me have a taste of whatit might be like to be a loving

(05:48):
Heavenly Father, because there Iwas looking at somebody that I
thought was my son father.
Because there I was looking atsomebody that I thought was my
son, feeling all those fatherlytender feelings towards this
cute little child and suddenlyrealizing that child was me.
I no longer let my inner criticspeak to me the way that he

(06:09):
used to.
When I think back toembarrassing moments, I try to
remind myself that I'm going tomake mistakes.
That tension I described hassubsided.
I still experience innerconflict at times and that inner
critic definitely rears hisugly head sometimes, but at
least now I don't allow myselfto hate myself anymore.

(06:32):
I try to be forgiving when Imake mistakes.
If I want to start talking tomyself in a negative way, I
remind myself that I'm stilllearning, that I'm going to make
mistakes and that's all right.
I will be forever grateful thatI had the opportunity to see
that picture from my father'seyes.
Had I not first thought it wasmy son, I don't think I ever

(06:53):
would have been able to seemyself that way.
We are all the child in thatpicture and we are all going to
make mistakes.
We are going to embarrassourselves and we are going to
learn.
You don't need an inner criticthat isn't rooting for your
success.
There are always going to beenough negative voices in the
world that are going to be thereto tear you down, and you can

(07:18):
make that one less voice.
So learn to love your past selfand your current self in the
process, because once you canlearn to love that version of
you that has made mistakes, youwill be able to love who you are
now.
You don't need to get rid ofthe inner critic.
The critic serves a purpose,but you do need to keep it in

(07:43):
check.
That critic should becritiquing you so that you can
become better, not so that youfeel worse about yourself.