June 9, 2025 • 10 mins
Drowning in Self-Help? Try This Instead
Feeling behind because you're not cold plunging at 5 AM, journaling daily, or starting your dream business by lunch? You’re not the only one. The self-improvement world often pushes us to overhaul our lives all at once, but that’s a fast track to burnout, not real progress.
In this episode of Skipping Stones, we explore how lasting change usually starts with just one small, intentional shift. From personal stories to timeless wisdom, you'll learn why choosing one thing to focus on isn’t lazy, it’s the smartest path forward.
Let go of the pressure to do it all. Tune in to discover how steady steps, not sweeping transformations, lead to real growth.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that, as we considerthat question, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
Do you ever feel overwhelmed bygood advice, like somehow
(00:33):
you're behind if you're notwaking up at 4.30, journaling,
meditating, cold plunging,eating liver and starting a
business by lunch?
The truth is that nothing everhappens more than one step at a
time, and you don't have to doeverything.
So I was being a creeper theother day and I chose to listen
(00:54):
in on a conversation that twoguys at the gym were having, and
what caught my attention waswhen one of these guys started
complaining about his girlfriend.
So apparently this guy'sgirlfriend was getting really
worked up over, feeling like shecouldn't keep up with all the
advice she was hearing.
On the Huberman Lab show, I, too, have had a fairly consistent
(01:15):
relationship with the self-helpcategory for a long time now,
and I can totally relate.
You read these books and youhear these stories and you feel
like your mind has been openedto a greater understanding of
what it takes to live your bestlife, yet you still can't quite
bring yourself to do everything.
Throughout most of my life, itseems like every time I read a
(01:39):
new book that tells me how Ineed to be living, I feel almost
compelled to do it.
When you start followingsomeone or reading a book that
seems to how I need to be living, I feel almost compelled to do
it.
When you start followingsomeone or reading a book that
seems to have all the answers,some of you, like me, may feel a
whole lot of pressure to doeverything you just read about.
If it is better, why wouldn'tyou do it?
The more you read, though, themore you begin to realize that
(02:02):
there are a lot of ways to skina cat, and I honestly don't know
why we use that metaphor,because it's kind of gross.
But whatever, there's no oneway to win at life.
Honestly, if you read enough ofthese books, they all begin to
sound kind of like the same,even though they may advocate
different approaches.
(02:22):
Now, of course, I can't sum upthe entirety of every self-help
book ever written, but I can saythis you don't have to do
everything all at once.
In fact, sometimes, the smallerthe step, the better, if you
keep trying to take steps thatyou're going to fail at, you're
going to lose that spark andthat momentum is going to tank.
(02:44):
But if you can make that stepsmall enough, you can keep that
forward momentum and over timeyou will develop the skills to
take bigger steps.
The human mind does not changeeverything about itself in one
instant.
We're naturally burdened withthe limitation of only being
(03:06):
able to focus on one thing at atime, so why fight that?
Even when you see someonethat's been living their worst
life suddenly turn things aroundin an incredible way, it was
usually one thing in particularat the core of what was making
them live their worst lives.
All the changes happen one stepat a time.
(03:27):
Maybe you can manage two orthree, but if you try to change
everything, you're going todrive yourself crazy.
So a caveat here it's not myintention to make this show
religious, but a really greatexample of this concept comes
from the story of Saul in theBible.
So Saul was one of the mostadamant persecutors of early
(03:51):
Christians.
It was like his mission in lifeto squash them out.
But while he was traveling onthe road to Damascus, sometime
after the crucifixion of Christ,he sees the light and hears the
voice of Christ, who asks Saulwhy he's persecuting him.
In this moment, saul clearly isconverted and asks Jesus what
(04:13):
he would have him do, afterwhich he's directed to go
somewhere for further direction.
In this story, only one thingreally changes in Saul, which is
whose team he's fighting for.
He ends up changing his name toPaul and becoming the greatest
Christian missionary of all time, and from that point forward he
(04:33):
throws himself at dangerwillingly, over and over, and
has massive success, but alsoends up being murdered for it as
well.
I even read before that from asecular analysis of this guy,
they think that he may haveactually been a sociopath
because of his total lack offear, or maybe psychopath I
(04:54):
don't know which one's which butnothing really changed in this
guy other than which team hefought for, and it made all the
difference.
So what's relevant here in mymind is that big changes in
outcome are affected by single,often small changes in behavior.
Big changes in how we operatein the world and how we approach
(05:17):
our life come from lots ofsmall changes.
Changing everything aboutyourself all at once isn't
generally sustainable, sincereally we can only focus on one
thing at a time.
It's really too much for us toworry about doing more than that
.
Sometimes we get crushed underall the weight of the shoulds
(05:39):
and shouldn'ts.
I have a love-hate relationshipwith rules.
I'm not the kind of person thatdoes well with them.
I find them confining, and ifthere are too many, it causes me
to feel stress.
And yet, as much as I hate them, I feel compelled to follow
them.
I know people that operatepretty well within those clear
(06:01):
parameters, though, but for alot of us, taking on one more
thing that we have to startremembering is just like adding
more weight to our load.
Don't get caught in this trap ofguilt.
You need to push yourself togrow, but the second you give in
and say I'm just not goodenough to meet my expectations
of myself.
This is the moment you let yourguilt rule over you.
(06:25):
Your expectations of yourselfshould be at least as good as
the day before, and maybe just alittle better, but don't expect
to become a virtuoso after justa few days of practice.
So I own this small company andwe're doing pretty well, but I
can tell you a million things wecould be doing better.
But if I took all of the adviceI have ever heard from any
(06:49):
business influencer, I wouldhave accomplished nothing.
The reality of life is we onlyhave so many resources to work
with, and the game you need toplay is how to use those
resources most efficiently sothat you have more resources to
draw on later.
The simplest form of a businessis when you get someone to give
(07:10):
you money for something theyneed.
That can boil down to nothingmore than a conversation with a
person, or it can be as complexas negotiating a contract with a
billion-dollar corporation thathas its own marketing teams,
suppliers, production teams,attorneys and stock valuations.
You cannot become abillion-dollar business
(07:33):
overnight.
Most of the time, and if, forchance, that happens, there will
be a lot of invested work priorto seeing that jump.
Don't let the guilt monster takeyou over.
You have too much to do toworry about that.
Life is a sequence of cause andeffect.
Certain decisions will causecertain effects on your life.
(07:53):
The guilt is just a distraction.
Part of the problem is thepeople we choose to compare
ourselves to.
If you are real about where youstand in life, you will compare
yourself to comparable people,but if, for example, a girl
wants to kick reality to thecurb, she can compare herself to
supermodels instead of theother women that are around her.
(08:15):
A lot of us like to place theseheavy burdens on our shoulders,
and I don't know if it is akind of self-punishment for
ourselves, or maybe we justconfuse pain for progress.
But if it isn't something wecan sustain long term, then it's
doomed to cause us to fall backinto that guilt trap.
No one gives an infant a spoonand a fork and tells them that
(08:40):
they can't make a mess and needto eat like everyone else.
We need to take the steps thatwe are capable of making.
First, it's important to knowwhere we are trying to get to.
Even if that goal is a moonshot, that is not really a problem,
because even a lofty goal can bebroken down into as many small
steps as necessary.
So set your goals and make yourplans, but be real about which
(09:06):
steps you're going to start with.
When the first step has becomesecond nature, it's time to take
the next.
A consequence of being alive isthat every so often, you're
going to have things happen toyou that have the potential to
break you.
You may go through deep boutsof depression and despondency,
(09:28):
but even in those situations,most of the time you will have
the capacity to take a tiny stepin the right direction, and
sometimes that's all we can do,but that's a win.
When you put one foot in frontof the other enough times,
there's hardly a place in theworld that you cannot get to.
This is Skipping Stones.
(09:51):
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom, and if youenjoyed the show, please like or
subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
(10:11):
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that, as we considerthat question, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
Do you ever feel overwhelmed bygood advice, like somehow
(00:33):
you're behind if you're notwaking up at 4.30, journaling,
meditating, cold plunging,eating liver and starting a
business by lunch?
The truth is that nothing everhappens more than one step at a
time, and you don't have to doeverything.
So I was being a creeper theother day and I chose to listen
(00:54):
in on a conversation that twoguys at the gym were having, and
what caught my attention waswhen one of these guys started
complaining about his girlfriend.
So apparently this guy'sgirlfriend was getting really
worked up over, feeling like shecouldn't keep up with all the
advice she was hearing.
On the Huberman Lab show, I, too, have had a fairly consistent
(01:15):
relationship with the self-helpcategory for a long time now,
and I can totally relate.
You read these books and youhear these stories and you feel
like your mind has been openedto a greater understanding of
what it takes to live your bestlife, yet you still can't quite
bring yourself to do everything.
Throughout most of my life, itseems like every time I read a
(01:39):
new book that tells me how Ineed to be living, I feel almost
compelled to do it.
When you start followingsomeone or reading a book that
seems to how I need to be living, I feel almost compelled to do
it.
When you start followingsomeone or reading a book that
seems to have all the answers,some of you, like me, may feel a
whole lot of pressure to doeverything you just read about.
If it is better, why wouldn'tyou do it?
The more you read, though, themore you begin to realize that
(02:02):
there are a lot of ways to skina cat, and I honestly don't know
why we use that metaphor,because it's kind of gross.
But whatever, there's no oneway to win at life.
Honestly, if you read enough ofthese books, they all begin to
sound kind of like the same,even though they may advocate
different approaches.
(02:22):
Now, of course, I can't sum upthe entirety of every self-help
book ever written, but I can saythis you don't have to do
everything all at once.
In fact, sometimes, the smallerthe step, the better, if you
keep trying to take steps thatyou're going to fail at, you're
going to lose that spark andthat momentum is going to tank.
(02:44):
But if you can make that stepsmall enough, you can keep that
forward momentum and over timeyou will develop the skills to
take bigger steps.
The human mind does not changeeverything about itself in one
instant.
We're naturally burdened withthe limitation of only being
(03:06):
able to focus on one thing at atime, so why fight that?
Even when you see someonethat's been living their worst
life suddenly turn things aroundin an incredible way, it was
usually one thing in particularat the core of what was making
them live their worst lives.
All the changes happen one stepat a time.
(03:27):
Maybe you can manage two orthree, but if you try to change
everything, you're going todrive yourself crazy.
So a caveat here it's not myintention to make this show
religious, but a really greatexample of this concept comes
from the story of Saul in theBible.
So Saul was one of the mostadamant persecutors of early
(03:51):
Christians.
It was like his mission in lifeto squash them out.
But while he was traveling onthe road to Damascus, sometime
after the crucifixion of Christ,he sees the light and hears the
voice of Christ, who asks Saulwhy he's persecuting him.
In this moment, saul clearly isconverted and asks Jesus what
(04:13):
he would have him do, afterwhich he's directed to go
somewhere for further direction.
In this story, only one thingreally changes in Saul, which is
whose team he's fighting for.
He ends up changing his name toPaul and becoming the greatest
Christian missionary of all time, and from that point forward he
(04:33):
throws himself at dangerwillingly, over and over, and
has massive success, but alsoends up being murdered for it as
well.
I even read before that from asecular analysis of this guy,
they think that he may haveactually been a sociopath
because of his total lack offear, or maybe psychopath I
(04:54):
don't know which one's which butnothing really changed in this
guy other than which team hefought for, and it made all the
difference.
So what's relevant here in mymind is that big changes in
outcome are affected by single,often small changes in behavior.
Big changes in how we operatein the world and how we approach
(05:17):
our life come from lots ofsmall changes.
Changing everything aboutyourself all at once isn't
generally sustainable, sincereally we can only focus on one
thing at a time.
It's really too much for us toworry about doing more than that
.
Sometimes we get crushed underall the weight of the shoulds
(05:39):
and shouldn'ts.
I have a love-hate relationshipwith rules.
I'm not the kind of person thatdoes well with them.
I find them confining, and ifthere are too many, it causes me
to feel stress.
And yet, as much as I hate them, I feel compelled to follow
them.
I know people that operatepretty well within those clear
(06:01):
parameters, though, but for alot of us, taking on one more
thing that we have to startremembering is just like adding
more weight to our load.
Don't get caught in this trap ofguilt.
You need to push yourself togrow, but the second you give in
and say I'm just not goodenough to meet my expectations
of myself.
This is the moment you let yourguilt rule over you.
(06:25):
Your expectations of yourselfshould be at least as good as
the day before, and maybe just alittle better, but don't expect
to become a virtuoso after justa few days of practice.
So I own this small company andwe're doing pretty well, but I
can tell you a million things wecould be doing better.
But if I took all of the adviceI have ever heard from any
(06:49):
business influencer, I wouldhave accomplished nothing.
The reality of life is we onlyhave so many resources to work
with, and the game you need toplay is how to use those
resources most efficiently sothat you have more resources to
draw on later.
The simplest form of a businessis when you get someone to give
(07:10):
you money for something theyneed.
That can boil down to nothingmore than a conversation with a
person, or it can be as complexas negotiating a contract with a
billion-dollar corporation thathas its own marketing teams,
suppliers, production teams,attorneys and stock valuations.
You cannot become abillion-dollar business
(07:33):
overnight.
Most of the time, and if, forchance, that happens, there will
be a lot of invested work priorto seeing that jump.
Don't let the guilt monster takeyou over.
You have too much to do toworry about that.
Life is a sequence of cause andeffect.
Certain decisions will causecertain effects on your life.
(07:53):
The guilt is just a distraction.
Part of the problem is thepeople we choose to compare
ourselves to.
If you are real about where youstand in life, you will compare
yourself to comparable people,but if, for example, a girl
wants to kick reality to thecurb, she can compare herself to
supermodels instead of theother women that are around her.
(08:15):
A lot of us like to place theseheavy burdens on our shoulders,
and I don't know if it is akind of self-punishment for
ourselves, or maybe we justconfuse pain for progress.
But if it isn't something wecan sustain long term, then it's
doomed to cause us to fall backinto that guilt trap.
No one gives an infant a spoonand a fork and tells them that
(08:40):
they can't make a mess and needto eat like everyone else.
We need to take the steps thatwe are capable of making.
First, it's important to knowwhere we are trying to get to.
Even if that goal is a moonshot, that is not really a problem,
because even a lofty goal can bebroken down into as many small
steps as necessary.
So set your goals and make yourplans, but be real about which
(09:06):
steps you're going to start with.
When the first step has becomesecond nature, it's time to take
the next.
A consequence of being alive isthat every so often, you're
going to have things happen toyou that have the potential to
break you.
You may go through deep boutsof depression and despondency,
(09:28):
but even in those situations,most of the time you will have
the capacity to take a tiny stepin the right direction, and
sometimes that's all we can do,but that's a win.
When you put one foot in frontof the other enough times,
there's hardly a place in theworld that you cannot get to.
This is Skipping Stones.
(09:51):
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom, and if youenjoyed the show, please like or
subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
(10:11):
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
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