June 16, 2025 • 9 mins
Is It Love or Just Infatuation?
In this episode of Skipping Stones, we break down the difference between true love and infatuation.
Real love isn’t about constant excitement or missing someone every second. It’s about calm, trust, and feeling safe with someone who makes your life better, not more dramatic.
We explore why many people confuse fantasy with connection, and how real love is built on the little things: steady support, quiet moments, and being there when it matters.
Tune in for a simple, honest look at what love really is. New episodes every Monday!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show that we canall learn to live our lives just
a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
If you cannot stand to be apartfrom them, you're not in love,
(00:30):
you're infatuated or maybe justdependent.
The difference between actuallybeing in love or not is the
difference between feeling painwhen you aren't around them and
having no place that you'drather be aren't around them and
having no place that you'drather be.
Romantic relationships have away of being a kind of band-aid
(00:50):
for a lot of our insecurities.
They make us feel less alone.
They can bring some excitementto our lives.
They bring pleasure to ourlives.
They can make us feel like wehave value in the world.
They may simply be what isfamiliar and therefore better
than the unknown.
We put a lot of meaning intoour relationships, whether it's
deserved or not.
(01:11):
Sometimes we hold a vision inour heads of what that
relationship should look likeand we dress up our imaginary
partner with the face of ouractual partner and try to
shoehorn that relationship intothe one that you've imagined.
Giving up on a relationshipsometimes is less about giving
(01:31):
up on the person that you'rewith and more about giving up on
the dream you had created withtheir face on it.
So I've heard before that loveat first sight is a largely male
phenomenon.
A lot of men have a tendency tocreate an entire fantasy about
a woman that they haven't evenmet yet or even know very well.
They're so wired toward thevisual that sometimes just
(01:54):
seeing a beautiful woman is allthat it takes to get their
fantasy machine rolling.
Contrary to conventionalthought, I think it's actually
more often the men presumingthat they're extremely
interested in a woman that areactually the first to start
imagining the wedding and thefuture kids.
Speaking for myself, one of theinternal battles that I've waged
(02:16):
is recognizing that thefantasies I'm creating about
women that I get infatuated withare simply borrowing their
faces to fit my dream.
There have been women that I'vedated that I get infatuated
with are simply borrowing theirfaces to fit my dream.
There have been women that I'vedated that I felt like I
couldn't live without.
If I'm really attracted to thegirl, I'll think up pet names
and imagine all the experienceswe're going to have throughout
(02:37):
our blissful relationship, I endup thinking every little thing
about them in my mind was heavensent.
But I know now that I was neverreally in love with any of them
.
I was physically attracted tothem and I was in love with the
idea of them.
We need to pay less attention towhat we imagine and more
(02:59):
attention to how we feel whenwe're actually around them.
So what I've come to believereal love actually is is when
you are no longer desperate tobe around that person, but
rather you want to be with thatperson, because the tension of
the world washes away whenyou're with them.
(03:19):
Being in love means having yourheart rate slow down when
they're near you.
It means feeling safe.
It means they aren't bringingthe worst out of you.
Based on what my understandingof love is now, I'm not sure
I've even experienced it.
I've loved deeply, but I'm notsure that I've ever been in love
(03:42):
.
So maybe this is kind of likethe blind leading the blind here
, but I do know that I'munwilling to accept anything
less than what I've described.
Even though I haven'texperienced this, I think I've
witnessed it a few times, and ifI can't have that, then I want
nothing at all.
Wild and passionate romancesounds fun and there should
(04:04):
always be a place for passion.
But if the cost of that passionis constant insecurity and
tears, then you're not in love.
You're infatuated orunhealthily dependent on someone
else to feel good aboutyourself.
Times are different.
People seem to almost expectdrama.
Now I certainly did.
(04:24):
I think for a lot of us,romance without drama sounds
weird and maybe even boring.
But maybe real love is a littleboring sometimes.
The good thing is that it isthe boring things in life that
are the basis of almosteverything incredible that's
ever been done.
I knew a guy once that workedas an engineer on large
(04:47):
suspension bridges and he toldme it sounded really cool, but
all of his time was spent on thefasteners used to connect the
pieces of the bridge, and so hegot bored and moved on to
something else in his career,regardless of whether or not
that was the right choice forhim.
Those boring fasteners are oneof the most important parts of
(05:08):
the bridge and even thoughsomething as simple as a bolt
may be boring, a bridge simplywouldn't be able to stand
without them.
The drama in our lives shouldn'tcome from inside our
relationship.
The whole point of having arelationship is to protect us
from the drama that comes fromoutside of the relationship.
We're not meant to be living asoap opera.
(05:31):
Soap operas are the domain ofpeople that don't know what they
want or even what matters tothem.
The only drama from inside therelationship we should be having
is the drama that comes whenone of you gets sick or injured
or dies.
No one gets together so theycan have more problems.
They get together so they canfight their problems together.
(05:54):
Real love is made up of thelittle things the back scratches
fixing the toilet, making ameal, taking a turn with the
kids, doing the laundry, workinga job, remembering a birthday,
slow dancing to your favoritesong, bringing home the
groceries, being someone's calmin the storm.
(06:15):
So what do you have to offer?
How are you going to besomeone's calm?
I'm not sure that true love isfor everyone, because I'm not
sure that all of us have thecapacity for it.
I like to think that I do, butuntil I finally experience it, I
will never know for sure.
True love is reserved for thepeople willing to be someone
(06:39):
else's rock, and if you happento be one of those people, you
may be so fortunate as to findsomeone that's also willing to
be yours.
You may be so fortunate as tofind someone that's also willing
to be yours.
Everyone I know, includingmyself, thinks they have what it
takes to be in love, but noneof us will know until we find
that we've become someone'sanchor and that they've become
(06:59):
ours.
Feelings are a terrible gauge oflove, because we just don't
seem to know which feelings arethe ones that really deserve
attention.
We chase after people that makeus feel desperate for them.
We fool ourselves into thinkingthat we want a challenge.
We try to commit altruisticallyto relationships where we
expect to save our partner.
We put them on a pedestal andexpect nothing from them.
(07:23):
In love, too often we forget toconsider whether or not they
make our life better than it wasbefore.
So, even though I don't think alot of us have what it takes to
truly love and be loved, I dothink that we all have a lot of
potential.
Men and women have so much tooffer each other.
A truly loving relationship ispossibly the most beautiful
(07:46):
thing that we can be a part ofin our lives, and that's why, in
spite of our failings, we allstill persist in trying to find
that there are hardly any higherachievements.
If any Few topics dominatehumanity's attention more than
love does, I wish it waspossible for us all to achieve
(08:06):
it, but it would not be anaccomplishment if it wasn't hard
to achieve.
So, all that being said, I hopeyou find the one that makes you
warm, not hot.
I hope you find the one thatmakes you strong, not weak, and
I hope to God, when you grow old, that you'll have no relief
(08:41):
when they've moved on.
And if you enjoyed the show,please like or subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show that we canall learn to live our lives just
a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
If you cannot stand to be apartfrom them, you're not in love,
(00:30):
you're infatuated or maybe justdependent.
The difference between actuallybeing in love or not is the
difference between feeling painwhen you aren't around them and
having no place that you'drather be aren't around them and
having no place that you'drather be.
Romantic relationships have away of being a kind of band-aid
(00:50):
for a lot of our insecurities.
They make us feel less alone.
They can bring some excitementto our lives.
They bring pleasure to ourlives.
They can make us feel like wehave value in the world.
They may simply be what isfamiliar and therefore better
than the unknown.
We put a lot of meaning intoour relationships, whether it's
deserved or not.
(01:11):
Sometimes we hold a vision inour heads of what that
relationship should look likeand we dress up our imaginary
partner with the face of ouractual partner and try to
shoehorn that relationship intothe one that you've imagined.
Giving up on a relationshipsometimes is less about giving
(01:31):
up on the person that you'rewith and more about giving up on
the dream you had created withtheir face on it.
So I've heard before that loveat first sight is a largely male
phenomenon.
A lot of men have a tendency tocreate an entire fantasy about
a woman that they haven't evenmet yet or even know very well.
They're so wired toward thevisual that sometimes just
(01:54):
seeing a beautiful woman is allthat it takes to get their
fantasy machine rolling.
Contrary to conventionalthought, I think it's actually
more often the men presumingthat they're extremely
interested in a woman that areactually the first to start
imagining the wedding and thefuture kids.
Speaking for myself, one of theinternal battles that I've waged
(02:16):
is recognizing that thefantasies I'm creating about
women that I get infatuated withare simply borrowing their
faces to fit my dream.
There have been women that I'vedated that I get infatuated
with are simply borrowing theirfaces to fit my dream.
There have been women that I'vedated that I felt like I
couldn't live without.
If I'm really attracted to thegirl, I'll think up pet names
and imagine all the experienceswe're going to have throughout
(02:37):
our blissful relationship, I endup thinking every little thing
about them in my mind was heavensent.
But I know now that I was neverreally in love with any of them
.
I was physically attracted tothem and I was in love with the
idea of them.
We need to pay less attention towhat we imagine and more
(02:59):
attention to how we feel whenwe're actually around them.
So what I've come to believereal love actually is is when
you are no longer desperate tobe around that person, but
rather you want to be with thatperson, because the tension of
the world washes away whenyou're with them.
(03:19):
Being in love means having yourheart rate slow down when
they're near you.
It means feeling safe.
It means they aren't bringingthe worst out of you.
Based on what my understandingof love is now, I'm not sure
I've even experienced it.
I've loved deeply, but I'm notsure that I've ever been in love
(03:42):
.
So maybe this is kind of likethe blind leading the blind here
, but I do know that I'munwilling to accept anything
less than what I've described.
Even though I haven'texperienced this, I think I've
witnessed it a few times, and ifI can't have that, then I want
nothing at all.
Wild and passionate romancesounds fun and there should
(04:04):
always be a place for passion.
But if the cost of that passionis constant insecurity and
tears, then you're not in love.
You're infatuated orunhealthily dependent on someone
else to feel good aboutyourself.
Times are different.
People seem to almost expectdrama.
Now I certainly did.
(04:24):
I think for a lot of us,romance without drama sounds
weird and maybe even boring.
But maybe real love is a littleboring sometimes.
The good thing is that it isthe boring things in life that
are the basis of almosteverything incredible that's
ever been done.
I knew a guy once that workedas an engineer on large
(04:47):
suspension bridges and he toldme it sounded really cool, but
all of his time was spent on thefasteners used to connect the
pieces of the bridge, and so hegot bored and moved on to
something else in his career,regardless of whether or not
that was the right choice forhim.
Those boring fasteners are oneof the most important parts of
(05:08):
the bridge and even thoughsomething as simple as a bolt
may be boring, a bridge simplywouldn't be able to stand
without them.
The drama in our lives shouldn'tcome from inside our
relationship.
The whole point of having arelationship is to protect us
from the drama that comes fromoutside of the relationship.
We're not meant to be living asoap opera.
(05:31):
Soap operas are the domain ofpeople that don't know what they
want or even what matters tothem.
The only drama from inside therelationship we should be having
is the drama that comes whenone of you gets sick or injured
or dies.
No one gets together so theycan have more problems.
They get together so they canfight their problems together.
(05:54):
Real love is made up of thelittle things the back scratches
fixing the toilet, making ameal, taking a turn with the
kids, doing the laundry, workinga job, remembering a birthday,
slow dancing to your favoritesong, bringing home the
groceries, being someone's calmin the storm.
(06:15):
So what do you have to offer?
How are you going to besomeone's calm?
I'm not sure that true love isfor everyone, because I'm not
sure that all of us have thecapacity for it.
I like to think that I do, butuntil I finally experience it, I
will never know for sure.
True love is reserved for thepeople willing to be someone
(06:39):
else's rock, and if you happento be one of those people, you
may be so fortunate as to findsomeone that's also willing to
be yours.
You may be so fortunate as tofind someone that's also willing
to be yours.
Everyone I know, includingmyself, thinks they have what it
takes to be in love, but noneof us will know until we find
that we've become someone'sanchor and that they've become
(06:59):
ours.
Feelings are a terrible gauge oflove, because we just don't
seem to know which feelings arethe ones that really deserve
attention.
We chase after people that makeus feel desperate for them.
We fool ourselves into thinkingthat we want a challenge.
We try to commit altruisticallyto relationships where we
expect to save our partner.
We put them on a pedestal andexpect nothing from them.
(07:23):
In love, too often we forget toconsider whether or not they
make our life better than it wasbefore.
So, even though I don't think alot of us have what it takes to
truly love and be loved, I dothink that we all have a lot of
potential.
Men and women have so much tooffer each other.
A truly loving relationship ispossibly the most beautiful
(07:46):
thing that we can be a part ofin our lives, and that's why, in
spite of our failings, we allstill persist in trying to find
that there are hardly any higherachievements.
If any Few topics dominatehumanity's attention more than
love does, I wish it waspossible for us all to achieve
(08:06):
it, but it would not be anaccomplishment if it wasn't hard
to achieve.
So, all that being said, I hopeyou find the one that makes you
warm, not hot.
I hope you find the one thatmakes you strong, not weak, and
I hope to God, when you grow old, that you'll have no relief
(08:41):
when they've moved on.
And if you enjoyed the show,please like or subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
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