June 23, 2025 • 10 mins
Divorce breaks more than vows.
It can unravel your identity, future, and sense of self.
In this honest episode of Skipping Stones, we explore the quiet collapse that begins long before the paperwork, the emotional crash that follows, and the deep identity shift that comes after. From lonely nights to painful choices, this is a look at what really happens when a marriage ends.
We also talk about the impact on kids, who often carry the weight far longer than we expect.
Whether you're in it, considering it, or healing from it, this episode offers clarity and connection.
Subscribe for new episodes every Monday.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
When I told my five-year-oldhis mom and I were divorcing, I
(00:30):
was practically crying and hisresponse was it's okay, daddy, I
don't care if you split up.
If only that was true.
He's seven now and strugglesmore deeply than ever with the
fact that the two people heloves most are not together.
The ramifications of divorce gobeyond what I think we like to
(00:52):
imagine sometimes.
Over 50% of marriages today areexpected to fail.
Maybe it's just easier todivorce, or maybe the social
stigma is less, or possiblywe've simply lost our ability to
be content with whoever wehappen to be with.
But regardless, I don't thinkpeople fully comprehend the true
(01:14):
cost.
To the best of my ability, I'mgoing to outline more or less
what I think you can expect tohappen to you if you choose to
go through with a divorce, ifyou happen to be cheating.
This may or may not apply toyou in exactly the same way, but
we all know there is a veryserious and long-lasting price
(01:34):
to be paid for doing that Foreveryone else.
I think this is what you canexpect.
Divorce begins with a kind ofquiet collapse.
It's almost like a mushroom.
By the time you actually see amushroom popping out, it's
already completely infiltrated.
Whatever it happens to havebeen growing on the beginning of
(01:57):
a divorce typically happens avery long time before the actual
divorce happens.
If you're lucky, maybe you canactually manage to turn things
around before it's over.
I read once in a Gottman bookthat one of the biggest tells as
to whether or not a couple getsdivorced is when one of them no
longer takes any interest inthe other's observations, like,
(02:20):
for example, if one of them wereto point out a pretty bird, the
other might just shrug it offand say very nice dear.
Without ever looking up.
As things get a little worse,the cracks become more visible
and you or your spouse may beginto question if you should
actually stay together.
You may or may not take itseriously, or you may try to do
something about it.
Maybe you make excuses for thethings that they're doing that
(02:42):
you don't like, or maybe youmake excuses for yourself.
The next part is when things getvery real.
It's when you finally decidethat you cannot continue or you
finally come to believe thatyour spouse is actually
committed to following throughwith the divorce.
This is the point where you nowknow that this is going to
(03:03):
happen.
This is the point where you nowknow that this is going to
happen.
You're going to have abreakdown and the world you had
is now falling apart.
Your ideas about the futurebegin to burn away.
You will collapse.
Having a mountain fall on youwill sometimes sound preferable
to your existence during thistime.
For me, this lasted about amonth.
(03:27):
Next is the point at whichyou're going to decide how to
react to this.
You may go into full-scalerecovery mode and try to win her
or him back.
You may despise them for theirrejection of you and start
taking the scorched earthapproach to the divorce.
Or maybe you'll simply cut themoff.
Maybe you frantically go andlook for a new person in your
(03:47):
life to band-aid over the hurtoff.
Maybe you frantically go andlook for a new person in your
life to band-aid over the hurt.
It's also possible that yousimply accept your new reality
and try to work through theprocess, causing the least
amount of damage.
Once you pass that initialreaction, you're going to settle
into a new kind of normal.
Now this could be post-divorceor it could be pre-divorce,
depending on Now.
(04:07):
This could be post-divorce orit could be pre-divorce,
depending on how long thelegalities happen to take.
But this is a time when you aregoing to go through withdrawals,
no matter how terrible theywere to you.
You are going to have intensemoments of missing them.
That empty bed is going to messwith your head.
There will be moments you canhardly breathe.
(04:28):
You will be desperate for humanconnection and this is the time
you will be the most vulnerableto making bad decisions because
you are so desperate for thepain to go away.
There might be days you find areason to go to the store simply
to exist around other peopleand, honestly, that will be a
(04:48):
good move for you.
No matter how introverted youare, you will need other people
to help you get through this.
The human soul can only bear somuch.
Without others coming to takeon even the smallest part of
that burden, other people aregoing to be healing for you.
Not only that, but they may bethe only way for you to heal
(05:09):
completely.
So once you make it past thismost intense period of mourning.
This is the point that you'regoing to start putting the
pieces back together.
When a person has been so boundwith another person like you
are in a marriage, who you areis tied up into your marriage,
(05:30):
and who you were when you weremarried is not going to be the
same as who you are when you arenot married, and it certainly
will not be the same as who youwere before you were married.
You are likely to questioneverything about yourself.
You may go and get a bunch oftattoos, or you may go and get
some removed.
(05:50):
When something so significantas a marriage breaks apart, it
doesn't break clean, it shatters.
And when you put yourself backtogether again, you simply will
never be the same again.
Finally, you will settle intoyour new reality.
Life will begin to feelsomewhat normal again and
(06:12):
hopefully you've figured out bynow who this new version of
yourself is.
The new version of you may bemore afraid.
It may be more brave, it mightbe more needy or it might be
less needy.
You will either come to regretever having married that person
or you may feel like you gainedsomething from it.
(06:32):
I hope in some way, you're ableto find a way to profit from
your experience, even if it wasterrible.
Once you are firmly back intothe world as a single person,
you are probably going to hateit.
The dating landscape is wildlydifferent now from when you were
last single, and you're goingto have to relearn how it all
(06:53):
works.
And it isn't even agenerational shift.
That is the main problem here.
It's that you're probably oldernow, and everyone around you
that's available to date now hasserious baggage and issues not
to mention your own baggage thatyou will now be carrying as you
start meeting new potentialromantic partners know that the
(07:15):
primary question they will betrying to answer is whether or
not you were the problem in yourprevious marriage.
So now that the dust hassettled and you're somewhat put
together again, you're going tosee that the real victim of your
divorce was neither you or yourformer spouse.
It was your children, and ifyou happen to have any, at the
(07:37):
end of the day, hearts can mendwell enough, but for children,
this is an event that will shapetheir world even more deeply
than it has shaped yours.
The fallout for your kids as aresult of your divorce, whether
it was amicable or not, is goingto come.
Over the course of years, notmonths, people will tell you
(07:58):
that kids are resilient and theyaren't wrong.
But who actually cares aboutthat, when it's really just an
excuse to make us feel betterabout the truly deep pain we are
inflicting on children that didnothing wrong?
If you happen to make themistake of saying something
negative about the other parentin front of your child mistake
(08:19):
of saying something negativeabout the other parent in front
of your child you will never win.
You might persuade them thatthe other parent is worse, but
you will never win anything,because saying something bad
about the other parent to themis nearly as bad as accusing
them of those things.
You break down their littlesouls when you attack their
other parent partially, becausewhen you do that, you're saying
(08:39):
they cannot have both, sinceyou're basically asking them to
make a judgment of what you justtold them, which means they
have to rule against one of you.
There is no silver lining todivorce.
It is certainly possible thatbeing divorced will be a better
life than what you had when youwere married, so maybe it is for
(08:59):
the best.
But regardless, it is never athing worth celebrating.
It is a tragedy.
It is the loss of a dream, inaddition to losing another
person.
I hope, if you choose to godown this path, at the very
least you do it with your eyeswide open.
At the end of the day, divorceis going to destroy you one way
(09:23):
or another, but I suppose ifthere's even a ghost of a silver
lining to it, it would be thefact that you now have a choice
as to whether or not you want torebuild.
When you build a thing a secondtime, you will be armed with
the knowledge, with the mistakesyou made from the first time.
This is skipping stones.
(09:46):
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom, and if youenjoyed the show, please like.
Or If there is a topic youwould like me to speak on,
please feel free to email me atinfo at skippingstones srcom.
(10:06):
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
When I told my five-year-oldhis mom and I were divorcing, I
(00:30):
was practically crying and hisresponse was it's okay, daddy, I
don't care if you split up.
If only that was true.
He's seven now and strugglesmore deeply than ever with the
fact that the two people heloves most are not together.
The ramifications of divorce gobeyond what I think we like to
(00:52):
imagine sometimes.
Over 50% of marriages today areexpected to fail.
Maybe it's just easier todivorce, or maybe the social
stigma is less, or possiblywe've simply lost our ability to
be content with whoever wehappen to be with.
But regardless, I don't thinkpeople fully comprehend the true
(01:14):
cost.
To the best of my ability, I'mgoing to outline more or less
what I think you can expect tohappen to you if you choose to
go through with a divorce, ifyou happen to be cheating.
This may or may not apply toyou in exactly the same way, but
we all know there is a veryserious and long-lasting price
(01:34):
to be paid for doing that Foreveryone else.
I think this is what you canexpect.
Divorce begins with a kind ofquiet collapse.
It's almost like a mushroom.
By the time you actually see amushroom popping out, it's
already completely infiltrated.
Whatever it happens to havebeen growing on the beginning of
(01:57):
a divorce typically happens avery long time before the actual
divorce happens.
If you're lucky, maybe you canactually manage to turn things
around before it's over.
I read once in a Gottman bookthat one of the biggest tells as
to whether or not a couple getsdivorced is when one of them no
longer takes any interest inthe other's observations, like,
(02:20):
for example, if one of them wereto point out a pretty bird, the
other might just shrug it offand say very nice dear.
Without ever looking up.
As things get a little worse,the cracks become more visible
and you or your spouse may beginto question if you should
actually stay together.
You may or may not take itseriously, or you may try to do
something about it.
Maybe you make excuses for thethings that they're doing that
(02:42):
you don't like, or maybe youmake excuses for yourself.
The next part is when things getvery real.
It's when you finally decidethat you cannot continue or you
finally come to believe thatyour spouse is actually
committed to following throughwith the divorce.
This is the point where you nowknow that this is going to
(03:03):
happen.
This is the point where you nowknow that this is going to
happen.
You're going to have abreakdown and the world you had
is now falling apart.
Your ideas about the futurebegin to burn away.
You will collapse.
Having a mountain fall on youwill sometimes sound preferable
to your existence during thistime.
For me, this lasted about amonth.
(03:27):
Next is the point at whichyou're going to decide how to
react to this.
You may go into full-scalerecovery mode and try to win her
or him back.
You may despise them for theirrejection of you and start
taking the scorched earthapproach to the divorce.
Or maybe you'll simply cut themoff.
Maybe you frantically go andlook for a new person in your
(03:47):
life to band-aid over the hurtoff.
Maybe you frantically go andlook for a new person in your
life to band-aid over the hurt.
It's also possible that yousimply accept your new reality
and try to work through theprocess, causing the least
amount of damage.
Once you pass that initialreaction, you're going to settle
into a new kind of normal.
Now this could be post-divorceor it could be pre-divorce,
depending on Now.
(04:07):
This could be post-divorce orit could be pre-divorce,
depending on how long thelegalities happen to take.
But this is a time when you aregoing to go through withdrawals,
no matter how terrible theywere to you.
You are going to have intensemoments of missing them.
That empty bed is going to messwith your head.
There will be moments you canhardly breathe.
(04:28):
You will be desperate for humanconnection and this is the time
you will be the most vulnerableto making bad decisions because
you are so desperate for thepain to go away.
There might be days you find areason to go to the store simply
to exist around other peopleand, honestly, that will be a
(04:48):
good move for you.
No matter how introverted youare, you will need other people
to help you get through this.
The human soul can only bear somuch.
Without others coming to takeon even the smallest part of
that burden, other people aregoing to be healing for you.
Not only that, but they may bethe only way for you to heal
(05:09):
completely.
So once you make it past thismost intense period of mourning.
This is the point that you'regoing to start putting the
pieces back together.
When a person has been so boundwith another person like you
are in a marriage, who you areis tied up into your marriage,
(05:30):
and who you were when you weremarried is not going to be the
same as who you are when you arenot married, and it certainly
will not be the same as who youwere before you were married.
You are likely to questioneverything about yourself.
You may go and get a bunch oftattoos, or you may go and get
some removed.
(05:50):
When something so significantas a marriage breaks apart, it
doesn't break clean, it shatters.
And when you put yourself backtogether again, you simply will
never be the same again.
Finally, you will settle intoyour new reality.
Life will begin to feelsomewhat normal again and
(06:12):
hopefully you've figured out bynow who this new version of
yourself is.
The new version of you may bemore afraid.
It may be more brave, it mightbe more needy or it might be
less needy.
You will either come to regretever having married that person
or you may feel like you gainedsomething from it.
(06:32):
I hope in some way, you're ableto find a way to profit from
your experience, even if it wasterrible.
Once you are firmly back intothe world as a single person,
you are probably going to hateit.
The dating landscape is wildlydifferent now from when you were
last single, and you're goingto have to relearn how it all
(06:53):
works.
And it isn't even agenerational shift.
That is the main problem here.
It's that you're probably oldernow, and everyone around you
that's available to date now hasserious baggage and issues not
to mention your own baggage thatyou will now be carrying as you
start meeting new potentialromantic partners know that the
(07:15):
primary question they will betrying to answer is whether or
not you were the problem in yourprevious marriage.
So now that the dust hassettled and you're somewhat put
together again, you're going tosee that the real victim of your
divorce was neither you or yourformer spouse.
It was your children, and ifyou happen to have any, at the
(07:37):
end of the day, hearts can mendwell enough, but for children,
this is an event that will shapetheir world even more deeply
than it has shaped yours.
The fallout for your kids as aresult of your divorce, whether
it was amicable or not, is goingto come.
Over the course of years, notmonths, people will tell you
(07:58):
that kids are resilient and theyaren't wrong.
But who actually cares aboutthat, when it's really just an
excuse to make us feel betterabout the truly deep pain we are
inflicting on children that didnothing wrong?
If you happen to make themistake of saying something
negative about the other parentin front of your child mistake
(08:19):
of saying something negativeabout the other parent in front
of your child you will never win.
You might persuade them thatthe other parent is worse, but
you will never win anything,because saying something bad
about the other parent to themis nearly as bad as accusing
them of those things.
You break down their littlesouls when you attack their
other parent partially, becausewhen you do that, you're saying
(08:39):
they cannot have both, sinceyou're basically asking them to
make a judgment of what you justtold them, which means they
have to rule against one of you.
There is no silver lining todivorce.
It is certainly possible thatbeing divorced will be a better
life than what you had when youwere married, so maybe it is for
(08:59):
the best.
But regardless, it is never athing worth celebrating.
It is a tragedy.
It is the loss of a dream, inaddition to losing another
person.
I hope, if you choose to godown this path, at the very
least you do it with your eyeswide open.
At the end of the day, divorceis going to destroy you one way
(09:23):
or another, but I suppose ifthere's even a ghost of a silver
lining to it, it would be thefact that you now have a choice
as to whether or not you want torebuild.
When you build a thing a secondtime, you will be armed with
the knowledge, with the mistakesyou made from the first time.
This is skipping stones.
(09:46):
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom, and if youenjoyed the show, please like.
Or If there is a topic youwould like me to speak on,
please feel free to email me atinfo at skippingstones srcom.
(10:06):
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
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