July 14, 2025 • 10 mins
Emotions spread fast. One person panics, and suddenly everyone feels on edge. But what if you could be the calm in the chaos?
After witnessing a friend's apartment ceiling collapse, I was reminded how powerful a steady presence can be during a crisis. In this episode of Skipping Stones, we explore how active listening, emotional awareness, and calm energy can de-escalate panic and create deeper connection—whether you're helping a child, a partner, or a coworker.
Tune in to learn how choosing calm over chaos can turn you into a quiet hero in someone else's storm.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
I had a friend literally havehis world come crashing down on
(00:31):
him this morning when a waterpipe burst in his apartment
building and started leakingfrom the ceiling.
Understandably, his girlfriendwas in a panic and to some
degree, so was he.
They had just gotten settledinto this place With jobs and
responsibilities weighing onthem.
They just didn't have theenergy or the time to deal with
this on top of everything elsethey already had going on.
(00:53):
I read something in a book awhile ago that I told them about
.
When a person is emotionallyaroused in some way, the fastest
way to help them relax is toactively listen to what they say
.
But in practice, what thatreally means is you need to
paraphrase what they just toldyou and repeat it back to them.
(01:14):
It acts almost like a pressurerelease for them, and it's,
honestly the only way anyone isgoing to fully believe that you
understand what they say.
There's simply no better wayfor someone to know that they
are being understood.
Don't be surprised if it takesa few tries before you get it
right, though.
(01:35):
Possibly the greatest gift wecan give is to be someone's calm
in a time of crisis.
Surprisingly, it's also themost rewarding.
If you have ever had theopportunity to soothe a crying
child, you know how preciousthose moments can be.
There's literally no strongerway to bond with another person
(01:55):
than to have the opportunity tobe there calm.
It's hard to find someone thatknows how to do it, though,
because when you're no longer achild, the things that tend to
cause people to panic are oftenthe same things that cause you
to panic.
Sometimes, when people getanxious, angry or panicked,
they'll drag you into it, alongwith everyone else around them.
(02:19):
So if you can manage to be theone that can keep things
together so if you can manage tobe the one that can keep things
together, you gain the capacityto offer the most precious gift
anyone could ever offer.
It's in our nature to mirrorthe energy of the people around
us.
It keeps us safe, but sometimesthat's just not what we need.
(02:39):
Sometimes it takes a specialkind of hero that's able to find
that place of calm duringcrisis to then give it to others
.
If someone runs up to you in apanic and tells you that the sky
is falling, you might betempted to scoff a little and
you may point your finger at thesky to show them that it's not
(03:00):
actually falling, but you mightbe surprised to find out that
approaching it that way almostnever ever makes the other
person calm down.
On the other hand, if you justrephrase what they just said in
a question, they can confirmwhether or not they feel like
you understood.
You might say really, you thinkthis guy's falling, which will
(03:23):
invite them to say more, whichwill allow you to ask more
sympathetic questions that getto the bottom of why they're
convinced that that's the case.
All the while, though, theywill be feeling a sense of
progress and understandingcoming from you.
They'll be able to calm down asyou help guide them through
(03:43):
their emotions, and they'll beable to find their way back to
reality.
Nobody likes to outsource theirthinking to someone else, but
most of us are desperatelylooking for someone to help
guide us through the mire of ourown emotions.
People need to find their ownway through their problems
(04:04):
because without the resolutionthey get from figuring things
out, they will not have a goodroadmap for the next time
something happens like this.
So often, this is as simple asasking those clarifying
questions to help them startheading in the right direction.
However the conversation goes,you need to help them guide you
(04:25):
to the source of their mostpainful emotion and ask them if
that is the deepest source oftheir pain.
You do not actually need to sayanything after this, when they
tell you that you've finally gotit right, and usually all you
need to do is to give them a hug.
It's probably your highestpotential to be someone's calm,
(04:50):
but what can you do when youneed someone else to be your
calm?
Honestly, you be theirs.
It will give you purpose, itwill give you strength, it will
draw you closer together, andwhen you gift someone with calm,
they will pay you back ingratitude and affection, and you
may just have the opportunityof finding not despair but
(05:12):
actual joy in your struggle.
Anytime you have two or morepeople together in a group, one
of those people will be thegiver of energy, while everyone
else will be mirroring that sameenergy.
When the world is crashing, theenergy that's going to be given
out in most cases will bechaotic and scared, but all it
(05:36):
takes is one person to choose tostop mirroring and to start
giving calm for the rest of thegroup to emulate it.
Nothing has taught me what itmeans to be someone's calm more
than being a father.
Children's emotions are loud andstrong.
When they're feeling something,they really feel it.
(05:59):
It's beautiful actually.
When they're happy, they reallyfeel it.
It's beautiful actually.
When they're happy, they are sohappy, and when they're sad,
they are in the depths ofdespair.
The thing about children isthat they will feed off of the
energy you provide more visiblythan any other group.
One of the worst things you canpossibly do to a child is to
(06:20):
panic when they get a boo-boo,because they will learn that
it's something that they need tobe terrified of.
When a baby is sad, it willcleave to their mother, not just
for safety, but to absorb hercalm and loving energy.
If the child's parent issomething other than calm and
loving, they will feel it andthey'll return in kind.
(06:43):
Energy between people seems likea tricky thing to manage, and
it is, but it's also verypossible.
It requires something manypeople often don't have, which
is perspective, and in themoment of a crisis, who can
really blame them?
And in the moment of a crisis,who can really blame them?
But for those who can manage tokeep that perspective, they
(07:04):
become some of humanity'sgreatest heroes, and you can be
that person.
Even just the other day, my sonwas struggling with something
that I couldn't fix, but what Icould do was to be his calm.
We need to recognize that livinglife is kind of similar to
(07:24):
playing a game like chess Lifemakes a move, then you make a
move in response and, unlessyou've died, you're still
playing this game.
Maybe life dealt you a seriousblow, but you're not done making
moves.
You a serious blow, but you'renot done making moves.
(07:45):
It's easy to observe our livesin a way that isn't too
different than viewing somethingthrough a microscope.
We see what's happening rightnow and we have a pretty good
idea of what's happening nextweek, but all these hardships
are things we adapt to or weovercome.
We will find our way to normalagain, whether we win or lose.
When you're trying to besomeone's calm, you listen to
(08:08):
them first.
Don't try to understand theirlogic.
Don't try to make rationalsense of what they're saying.
Listen with the intent ofunderstanding what emotion that
they're feeling and what thingit is that's making them feel
that emotion.
Tell them what you understandso far.
What calms people, oddly enough, is not solving their problem,
(08:29):
but rather the knowledge thatsomeone thoroughly understands
their pain and the source of it.
It allows them to address theirown problems without such a
thick shroud of fear, sadness oranger.
When my children come to mecrying from a cut, I try to show
sympathy on my face and I sayyou look like you are really
(08:51):
hurting from that cut, and theysay yes, and then I say oh, and
I hold them sometimes for only asecond, sometimes for a while
longer, but every time I do thisthey walk away feeling content
again.
There is no greater superpowerthan to be able to chart a
(09:12):
course through stormy waters andto keep those you love around
you calm and focused on the nextstep.
Be a gift to the people aroundyou and to the world by being
that person that is the giver ofcalm in any room.
Do not let another person'senergy dominate the room, unless
it's an energy of peace, calmor contentment.
(09:35):
Do this because being someone'scalm is the best way to love
another person.
This is Skipping Stones.
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom and if youenjoyed the show, please like or
(09:57):
subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
I had a friend literally havehis world come crashing down on
(00:31):
him this morning when a waterpipe burst in his apartment
building and started leakingfrom the ceiling.
Understandably, his girlfriendwas in a panic and to some
degree, so was he.
They had just gotten settledinto this place With jobs and
responsibilities weighing onthem.
They just didn't have theenergy or the time to deal with
this on top of everything elsethey already had going on.
(00:53):
I read something in a book awhile ago that I told them about
.
When a person is emotionallyaroused in some way, the fastest
way to help them relax is toactively listen to what they say
.
But in practice, what thatreally means is you need to
paraphrase what they just toldyou and repeat it back to them.
(01:14):
It acts almost like a pressurerelease for them, and it's,
honestly the only way anyone isgoing to fully believe that you
understand what they say.
There's simply no better wayfor someone to know that they
are being understood.
Don't be surprised if it takesa few tries before you get it
right, though.
(01:35):
Possibly the greatest gift wecan give is to be someone's calm
in a time of crisis.
Surprisingly, it's also themost rewarding.
If you have ever had theopportunity to soothe a crying
child, you know how preciousthose moments can be.
There's literally no strongerway to bond with another person
(01:55):
than to have the opportunity tobe there calm.
It's hard to find someone thatknows how to do it, though,
because when you're no longer achild, the things that tend to
cause people to panic are oftenthe same things that cause you
to panic.
Sometimes, when people getanxious, angry or panicked,
they'll drag you into it, alongwith everyone else around them.
(02:19):
So if you can manage to be theone that can keep things
together so if you can manage tobe the one that can keep things
together, you gain the capacityto offer the most precious gift
anyone could ever offer.
It's in our nature to mirrorthe energy of the people around
us.
It keeps us safe, but sometimesthat's just not what we need.
(02:39):
Sometimes it takes a specialkind of hero that's able to find
that place of calm duringcrisis to then give it to others
.
If someone runs up to you in apanic and tells you that the sky
is falling, you might betempted to scoff a little and
you may point your finger at thesky to show them that it's not
(03:00):
actually falling, but you mightbe surprised to find out that
approaching it that way almostnever ever makes the other
person calm down.
On the other hand, if you justrephrase what they just said in
a question, they can confirmwhether or not they feel like
you understood.
You might say really, you thinkthis guy's falling, which will
(03:23):
invite them to say more, whichwill allow you to ask more
sympathetic questions that getto the bottom of why they're
convinced that that's the case.
All the while, though, theywill be feeling a sense of
progress and understandingcoming from you.
They'll be able to calm down asyou help guide them through
(03:43):
their emotions, and they'll beable to find their way back to
reality.
Nobody likes to outsource theirthinking to someone else, but
most of us are desperatelylooking for someone to help
guide us through the mire of ourown emotions.
People need to find their ownway through their problems
(04:04):
because without the resolutionthey get from figuring things
out, they will not have a goodroadmap for the next time
something happens like this.
So often, this is as simple asasking those clarifying
questions to help them startheading in the right direction.
However the conversation goes,you need to help them guide you
(04:25):
to the source of their mostpainful emotion and ask them if
that is the deepest source oftheir pain.
You do not actually need to sayanything after this, when they
tell you that you've finally gotit right, and usually all you
need to do is to give them a hug.
It's probably your highestpotential to be someone's calm,
(04:50):
but what can you do when youneed someone else to be your
calm?
Honestly, you be theirs.
It will give you purpose, itwill give you strength, it will
draw you closer together, andwhen you gift someone with calm,
they will pay you back ingratitude and affection, and you
may just have the opportunityof finding not despair but
(05:12):
actual joy in your struggle.
Anytime you have two or morepeople together in a group, one
of those people will be thegiver of energy, while everyone
else will be mirroring that sameenergy.
When the world is crashing, theenergy that's going to be given
out in most cases will bechaotic and scared, but all it
(05:36):
takes is one person to choose tostop mirroring and to start
giving calm for the rest of thegroup to emulate it.
Nothing has taught me what itmeans to be someone's calm more
than being a father.
Children's emotions are loud andstrong.
When they're feeling something,they really feel it.
(05:59):
It's beautiful actually.
When they're happy, they reallyfeel it.
It's beautiful actually.
When they're happy, they are sohappy, and when they're sad,
they are in the depths ofdespair.
The thing about children isthat they will feed off of the
energy you provide more visiblythan any other group.
One of the worst things you canpossibly do to a child is to
(06:20):
panic when they get a boo-boo,because they will learn that
it's something that they need tobe terrified of.
When a baby is sad, it willcleave to their mother, not just
for safety, but to absorb hercalm and loving energy.
If the child's parent issomething other than calm and
loving, they will feel it andthey'll return in kind.
(06:43):
Energy between people seems likea tricky thing to manage, and
it is, but it's also verypossible.
It requires something manypeople often don't have, which
is perspective, and in themoment of a crisis, who can
really blame them?
And in the moment of a crisis,who can really blame them?
But for those who can manage tokeep that perspective, they
(07:04):
become some of humanity'sgreatest heroes, and you can be
that person.
Even just the other day, my sonwas struggling with something
that I couldn't fix, but what Icould do was to be his calm.
We need to recognize that livinglife is kind of similar to
(07:24):
playing a game like chess Lifemakes a move, then you make a
move in response and, unlessyou've died, you're still
playing this game.
Maybe life dealt you a seriousblow, but you're not done making
moves.
You a serious blow, but you'renot done making moves.
(07:45):
It's easy to observe our livesin a way that isn't too
different than viewing somethingthrough a microscope.
We see what's happening rightnow and we have a pretty good
idea of what's happening nextweek, but all these hardships
are things we adapt to or weovercome.
We will find our way to normalagain, whether we win or lose.
When you're trying to besomeone's calm, you listen to
(08:08):
them first.
Don't try to understand theirlogic.
Don't try to make rationalsense of what they're saying.
Listen with the intent ofunderstanding what emotion that
they're feeling and what thingit is that's making them feel
that emotion.
Tell them what you understandso far.
What calms people, oddly enough, is not solving their problem,
(08:29):
but rather the knowledge thatsomeone thoroughly understands
their pain and the source of it.
It allows them to address theirown problems without such a
thick shroud of fear, sadness oranger.
When my children come to mecrying from a cut, I try to show
sympathy on my face and I sayyou look like you are really
(08:51):
hurting from that cut, and theysay yes, and then I say oh, and
I hold them sometimes for only asecond, sometimes for a while
longer, but every time I do thisthey walk away feeling content
again.
There is no greater superpowerthan to be able to chart a
(09:12):
course through stormy waters andto keep those you love around
you calm and focused on the nextstep.
Be a gift to the people aroundyou and to the world by being
that person that is the giver ofcalm in any room.
Do not let another person'senergy dominate the room, unless
it's an energy of peace, calmor contentment.
(09:35):
Do this because being someone'scalm is the best way to love
another person.
This is Skipping Stones.
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom and if youenjoyed the show, please like or
(09:57):
subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
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