July 28, 2025 • 8 mins
Why Being “Perfect” Is Pushing People Away
Trying to be perfect might be the very thing keeping you from a real connection. In this episode of Skipping Stones, we explore how vulnerability, authenticity, and emotional honesty are key to building stronger relationships.
Hear how one shift in a dating profile led to deeper conversations and why being needed is a strength, not a flaw.
If you’ve ever felt pressure to have it all together, this episode is your permission to be real.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
(00:28):
Once upon a time I used to thinkthat there was a way to make
everyone like me, but that's notpossible.
I don't think even MotherTeresa was universally loved.
No one is universally loved.
Some people are able to managebeing liked by a lot of people,
but those people are also veryfrequently uninteresting.
(00:49):
Trying to look perfect makes usboring.
So many of us think that wehave to put out a public image
that's something close toperfection.
But ironically, in my own lifeI've found that the harder I've
tried to show people a perfectversion of me my own life I've
found that the harder I've triedto show people a perfect
version of me, the more boring Ibecame to them.
(01:12):
No one can relate to a perfectperson.
Perfect people are robots, notpeople.
Most of the humans on this goodearth are kind of confusing and
maybe a little dumb.
Sometimes we seem to think wedon't like when people are that
way, but we clearly do, becausethe vast majority of us refuse
to draw close to anyone that wethink is perfect.
So since I got divorced, I'vehad the privilege to learn about
(01:37):
the world of midlife dating,and every few months or so I'll
cycle onto a dating app.
I've never had what I wouldcall great success on them, but
I figured it was because I'molder now, and I'm sure having
kids doesn't make me look anymore attractive either.
Recently, though, I triedsomething a little different.
I advertised just a fewnegative things about myself,
(02:02):
and, would you believe it, Iactually got more traction doing
that than the picture perfectversion of me that I tried to
show before.
By no means am I killing it onthe apps, but it was shocking to
me that I did better the timethat I showed some rough edges
than I did when I tried toportray perfection.
So either these ladies arecrazy or maybe they get
(02:26):
something positive from choosingto connect with less than
perfect people.
When I stop to think about it, Imyself don't want to spend my
life with a perfect person.
I was talking to a womanrecently who was telling me all
about how she didn't need a manin her life because she had
found a way to be content andhappy.
She said she'd like a man inher life because she had found a
way to be content and happy.
She said she'd like a man inher life, but that she had so
(02:49):
much more to offer than theycould ever offer her.
And as appealing as it maysound to always be on the
receiving end of a woman thatcan offer so much, I found
myself totally turned off.
I thought to myself why would Iever want to be with someone
that I had nothing to offer to?
Don't we all want to feel likewe bring something to the table?
(03:10):
Most people are not hoping togo into a relationship purely to
receive, but to give.
I don't think anyone getsexcited to be in a relationship
where they're always the needyone.
To be needed from time to timeis gratifying.
Don't we all like to be thehero sometimes?
I think one of the primarydrivers that gets us into
(03:33):
relationships in the first placeis often our desire to be
needed.
So I think I ended up on theother side of this equation at
one point.
I remember going on a date withthis girl that I was totally
enamored with.
She was super cute and funny,but she wasn't without her
issues, and I remember that Iactually liked her particular
(03:55):
issues because I felt like therewere issues that I could help
her with.
It was an awesome date, we hada great time, and she even
suggested that we go out again,and so we planned something.
But when I reached out a fewdays before the date to confirm
plans, she never responded.
I reached out a few more timesand she never got back to me.
Now who really knows what Iwould have gotten myself into
(04:20):
had it continued.
I might have dodged a bullet,but it's hard to tell what's
going through a person's mind.
There are so many reasons shemight not have reached out again
, but my working theory is thatshe felt like she had nothing to
really offer me, and nobodyreally wants to be a charity
case.
We all want to feel like webring value to a relationship.
(04:45):
People draw closer to otherswhen they confide their problems
to them and on the other side,they push people away when they
brag about their lack ofproblems.
A person with absolutely noproblems might be the most
boring person on earth who couldrelate to someone like that.
Every person is a story inmotion and every good story
(05:09):
begins with a problem.
If nothing goes wrong in yourstory and you are never
challenged, you become less astory and more like an
instruction manual.
It can be hard to let our roughedges be seen sometimes,
because the nature of a roughedge is that it is in fact a
negative and inherentlyundesirable.
As such, it will be off-puttingto some people, if not most of
(05:34):
them.
But at least if they're visiblefor people to see, then the
people that can relate with themwill finally be able to find
you, and when they do, they'llbe relieved to find someone that
can likewise understand them.
When you've lived a little while, you come to realize that there
is no perfect person.
So it's actually refreshing tocome across someone that isn't
(05:57):
trying to pretend like they are,because it feels real.
Ironically, in my life many ofmy closest friends are people I
don't think I ever would havedrawn close to had it not been
for shared struggle.
If I had kept everything hiddenfrom those same people, they
probably would have thought Iwas boring or, worse yet, maybe
(06:18):
they would have resented me forhaving such a perfect life.
So I don't recommend you walkout in public and hang out all
of your dirty laundry.
But when you're getting to knowa person, you need to show them
a little bit of who you are.
Even if other people can'trelate with you whatsoever, they
all relate with struggle, and aperson willing to show others
(06:41):
what they really are and whatthey fear and what they struggle
with is someone that feels real.
A person with no rough edgeswould never make for a good
character in a story and neitherwould they make for an
interesting person in real life.
The human mind likes problems.
I don't know anyone that wantsto be overwhelmed, but we don't
(07:01):
want to be bored either.
In a way, I think being humancould be described as
perpetually looking for anotherproblem to work on.
Nobody makes it through lifewithout getting beat up and at
least a little bit broken, butto be otherwise would not be
human, and humans want to spendtheir time around other humans.
(07:24):
This is Skipping Stones.
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom and if youenjoyed the show, please like or
subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
(07:48):
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
(00:28):
Once upon a time I used to thinkthat there was a way to make
everyone like me, but that's notpossible.
I don't think even MotherTeresa was universally loved.
No one is universally loved.
Some people are able to managebeing liked by a lot of people,
but those people are also veryfrequently uninteresting.
(00:49):
Trying to look perfect makes usboring.
So many of us think that wehave to put out a public image
that's something close toperfection.
But ironically, in my own lifeI've found that the harder I've
tried to show people a perfectversion of me my own life I've
found that the harder I've triedto show people a perfect
version of me, the more boring Ibecame to them.
(01:12):
No one can relate to a perfectperson.
Perfect people are robots, notpeople.
Most of the humans on this goodearth are kind of confusing and
maybe a little dumb.
Sometimes we seem to think wedon't like when people are that
way, but we clearly do, becausethe vast majority of us refuse
to draw close to anyone that wethink is perfect.
So since I got divorced, I'vehad the privilege to learn about
(01:37):
the world of midlife dating,and every few months or so I'll
cycle onto a dating app.
I've never had what I wouldcall great success on them, but
I figured it was because I'molder now, and I'm sure having
kids doesn't make me look anymore attractive either.
Recently, though, I triedsomething a little different.
I advertised just a fewnegative things about myself,
(02:02):
and, would you believe it, Iactually got more traction doing
that than the picture perfectversion of me that I tried to
show before.
By no means am I killing it onthe apps, but it was shocking to
me that I did better the timethat I showed some rough edges
than I did when I tried toportray perfection.
So either these ladies arecrazy or maybe they get
(02:26):
something positive from choosingto connect with less than
perfect people.
When I stop to think about it, Imyself don't want to spend my
life with a perfect person.
I was talking to a womanrecently who was telling me all
about how she didn't need a manin her life because she had
found a way to be content andhappy.
She said she'd like a man inher life because she had found a
way to be content and happy.
She said she'd like a man inher life, but that she had so
(02:49):
much more to offer than theycould ever offer her.
And as appealing as it maysound to always be on the
receiving end of a woman thatcan offer so much, I found
myself totally turned off.
I thought to myself why would Iever want to be with someone
that I had nothing to offer to?
Don't we all want to feel likewe bring something to the table?
(03:10):
Most people are not hoping togo into a relationship purely to
receive, but to give.
I don't think anyone getsexcited to be in a relationship
where they're always the needyone.
To be needed from time to timeis gratifying.
Don't we all like to be thehero sometimes?
I think one of the primarydrivers that gets us into
(03:33):
relationships in the first placeis often our desire to be
needed.
So I think I ended up on theother side of this equation at
one point.
I remember going on a date withthis girl that I was totally
enamored with.
She was super cute and funny,but she wasn't without her
issues, and I remember that Iactually liked her particular
(03:55):
issues because I felt like therewere issues that I could help
her with.
It was an awesome date, we hada great time, and she even
suggested that we go out again,and so we planned something.
But when I reached out a fewdays before the date to confirm
plans, she never responded.
I reached out a few more timesand she never got back to me.
Now who really knows what Iwould have gotten myself into
(04:20):
had it continued.
I might have dodged a bullet,but it's hard to tell what's
going through a person's mind.
There are so many reasons shemight not have reached out again
, but my working theory is thatshe felt like she had nothing to
really offer me, and nobodyreally wants to be a charity
case.
We all want to feel like webring value to a relationship.
(04:45):
People draw closer to otherswhen they confide their problems
to them and on the other side,they push people away when they
brag about their lack ofproblems.
A person with absolutely noproblems might be the most
boring person on earth who couldrelate to someone like that.
Every person is a story inmotion and every good story
(05:09):
begins with a problem.
If nothing goes wrong in yourstory and you are never
challenged, you become less astory and more like an
instruction manual.
It can be hard to let our roughedges be seen sometimes,
because the nature of a roughedge is that it is in fact a
negative and inherentlyundesirable.
As such, it will be off-puttingto some people, if not most of
(05:34):
them.
But at least if they're visiblefor people to see, then the
people that can relate with themwill finally be able to find
you, and when they do, they'llbe relieved to find someone that
can likewise understand them.
When you've lived a little while, you come to realize that there
is no perfect person.
So it's actually refreshing tocome across someone that isn't
(05:57):
trying to pretend like they are,because it feels real.
Ironically, in my life many ofmy closest friends are people I
don't think I ever would havedrawn close to had it not been
for shared struggle.
If I had kept everything hiddenfrom those same people, they
probably would have thought Iwas boring or, worse yet, maybe
(06:18):
they would have resented me forhaving such a perfect life.
So I don't recommend you walkout in public and hang out all
of your dirty laundry.
But when you're getting to knowa person, you need to show them
a little bit of who you are.
Even if other people can'trelate with you whatsoever, they
all relate with struggle, and aperson willing to show others
(06:41):
what they really are and whatthey fear and what they struggle
with is someone that feels real.
A person with no rough edgeswould never make for a good
character in a story and neitherwould they make for an
interesting person in real life.
The human mind likes problems.
I don't know anyone that wantsto be overwhelmed, but we don't
(07:01):
want to be bored either.
In a way, I think being humancould be described as
perpetually looking for anotherproblem to work on.
Nobody makes it through lifewithout getting beat up and at
least a little bit broken, butto be otherwise would not be
human, and humans want to spendtheir time around other humans.
(07:24):
This is Skipping Stones.
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom and if youenjoyed the show, please like or
subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
(07:48):
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
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