September 1, 2025 • 8 mins
The Power of Sharing Pain
When someone’s hurting, our instinct is to fix their problems or offer comforting words. But what if real support isn’t about solving at all?
In this episode, we explore the art of holding space, pausing our urge to fix, truly listening, and sharing another’s burden. Pain, like a glowing ember, often needs to be witnessed before it can fade.
From personal reflections to the bonds formed in brotherhood and friendship, we uncover why shared suffering forges deeper connections than joy alone.
Learn how to transform the way you show up for others and why walking with someone in their pain can leave you both stronger, lighter, and more connected.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
It's hard to know what to dowhen you're with someone going
(00:29):
through a really hard time, atleast for me.
Maybe they're crying, othertimes they might be yelling and
on occasion they may behysterical.
What's sad is that I thinkthere have been a lot of
opportunities I missed to takesome of that pain from someone
else.
Had I known what to do.
(00:50):
Most of us want to help otherpeople, even for our own
convenience, so most of us willmake some effort to solve their
problem or to show some sympathy.
But to actually shoulderanother person's pain is a
little tricky.
It's so easy to say all of thewrong things like at least it's
not worse, oh yeah, that'shappened to me or you'll get
(01:12):
over it.
Another person's pain can beeasy to dismiss and on the other
end sometimes we confuseshouldering another person's
pain with internalizing it.
We go around life absorbing thehurts and pains of the people
around us and feeling it ontheir behalf.
But at the end of the day,internalizing another person's
(01:32):
pain doesn't take their painaway.
It just makes two people haveto suffer with it instead of one
.
Holding another person's painis the process of helping
another person be comfortableenough to share their pain with
you in the first place andhelping them to know that you
understand its source.
The pain of some of the worstthings in life can begin to
(01:55):
dissipate when you know anotherperson has spent the time to
fully comprehend what you'reexperiencing.
Watching and trying to help mychildren has taught me more
about taking on someone's painthan anything else in my life.
Children, thankfully, don'tgenerally have big problems, so
learning to take on their painwas a good place for me to start
(02:16):
.
Whenever my youngest daughterscrapes her knee, she'll come
running to me in tears most ofthe time and I'll pick her up
and hold her for a little whileuntil she's calm enough to start
telling me what happened.
And we usually do a little backand forth where she tells me
what happened and I tell herwhat she told me right back,
until she's fully satisfied Iunderstood, and then she gets
(02:37):
down and goes back to playing.
Adults are really no differentfrom a child.
We want someone to hold us ormaybe just to be with us, and
then we want to know that personunderstands what we went
through.
If we trust them, we mightconfide in them and they might
ask a few clarifying questions.
That helps both of you get tothe bottom of what's actually
(03:00):
causing your pain.
But once we know theyunderstand, we usually just want
them next to us or holding usIn a way.
I think we're fairly simplecreatures that way, simple as it
sounds.
When people bring their pain tous, we often get annoyed.
Maybe we try to avoid it ormaybe we try to fix the problem
(03:21):
instead of focusing on how wecan take away the actual pain
from the incident.
I fully recognize that somepeople's problems may seem very
silly at times, but the pain isreal and only after they know
you can comprehend that painwill you be able to guide them
back to perspective.
If you want them to know youunderstand, you have to show
(03:43):
them by telling them what youunderstood.
There's no other way they cansee proof that you heard and
comprehended what they said.
It's remarkably hard to do whensomeone's mad at you, but if
they see you sincerely trying tounderstand, they will feel some
of that burden be lifted, evenif just a little bit, when you
(04:03):
tell someone what you understoodfrom what they told you.
They may correct you and youmay have to try again, but you
will get there eventually andwhen you do they will melt, the
anger or sadness will dissipateand they will adore you for it.
And then all that's left to dois just to feel their pain with
them, give them a hug or lookinto their eyes and sympathize.
(04:27):
I like to imagine as if theirpain was like a glowing ember
that they hold inside of them.
But when you show them thatyou're able to understand,
they'll grab that ember and handit to you.
When we sit with a person orembrace them in their darkest
hours, it's almost as if you'retaking that glowing ember of
pain and putting it inside ofyourself.
(04:49):
The remarkable thing is that,instead of giving you pain, the
heat of that ember will begin todissipate and in place of that
pain you will feel a strongerconnection to the person that
shared it with you.
To put it as concisely as I can, we need to first pause our
instinct to fix the problem whenthey come to us.
(05:09):
Then we need to prove to themwe heard what they said.
And finally, we need to sharethe weight of their burden with
them.
It's easy to forget sometimesthat we can share pain with
others.
Of course, it would require acertain amount of trust, which
is one of the most importantreasons for us to actively be
trying to build that trust withother people.
When times are hard, even themost introverted of introverts
(05:34):
needs other people.
Pain is not meant to be heldalone.
People are not meant to doanything alone.
Our strength is, and always hasbeen, in cooperation.
We share knowledge, we shareour labor, we share happiness
and joy.
So why should we expect toshoulder pain alone?
(05:54):
It's only prolonging and makinga martyr out of ourselves when
we hold it tight and refuse toshare it with others.
Pain does not like to go awayquietly.
It finds its way out throughresentment, self-destructive
impulses and sometimes even aphysical toll.
Other people are the bestoutlet for that pain.
It is almost like pain insistsit be shared with others before
(06:19):
it will fully be gone.
Bonds are formed through pain.
No other shared emotion willbond you tighter to a person
than will sharing their pain.
We fool ourselves intobelieving we can be solitary
creatures.
But it is not our nature, itnever was and it never will be.
The best friendships andrelationships you will ever form
(06:41):
will be forged through pain.
Pain can become a wedge betweenpeople if they don't learn to
share it, but if they do, it candraw two people closer than
they've ever dreamed.
I find it fascinating that inmilitary training they
intentionally make soldiers'lives miserable, partly to
acclimate them to a warenvironment, but just as
(07:03):
importantly, to allow thesoldiers an opportunity to draw
together.
And it works.
Soldiers will gladly die tosave their friends.
Those kinds of bonds are builtthrough shared pain.
We do not have to limit who wechoose to share pain with.
It does not have to berestricted to your brothers in
arms or your close personalrelationships.
(07:26):
You can be a pillar of comfortto anyone in your life, for the
people at your work, for yourfriends at the gym or even a
stranger.
All pain, big and small, ismore easily carried with another
person.
I think a person could say theylived a pretty good life if
they just spent a little moreeffort trying to hold pain for
(07:47):
others.
The next time you see someone inpain, try to fight the urge to
change the subject or jump toadvice.
Sit there, hear them out andsee if you can bear some of
their burden with them, and youwill both walk away lighter.
This is Skipping Stones.
(08:08):
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom and if youenjoyed the show, please like or
subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
(08:29):
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
What in life deserves our time and attention and what
things don't.
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives
just a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.
It's hard to know what to dowhen you're with someone going
(00:29):
through a really hard time, atleast for me.
Maybe they're crying, othertimes they might be yelling and
on occasion they may behysterical.
What's sad is that I thinkthere have been a lot of
opportunities I missed to takesome of that pain from someone
else.
Had I known what to do.
(00:50):
Most of us want to help otherpeople, even for our own
convenience, so most of us willmake some effort to solve their
problem or to show some sympathy.
But to actually shoulderanother person's pain is a
little tricky.
It's so easy to say all of thewrong things like at least it's
not worse, oh yeah, that'shappened to me or you'll get
(01:12):
over it.
Another person's pain can beeasy to dismiss and on the other
end sometimes we confuseshouldering another person's
pain with internalizing it.
We go around life absorbing thehurts and pains of the people
around us and feeling it ontheir behalf.
But at the end of the day,internalizing another person's
(01:32):
pain doesn't take their painaway.
It just makes two people haveto suffer with it instead of one
.
Holding another person's painis the process of helping
another person be comfortableenough to share their pain with
you in the first place andhelping them to know that you
understand its source.
The pain of some of the worstthings in life can begin to
(01:55):
dissipate when you know anotherperson has spent the time to
fully comprehend what you'reexperiencing.
Watching and trying to help mychildren has taught me more
about taking on someone's painthan anything else in my life.
Children, thankfully, don'tgenerally have big problems, so
learning to take on their painwas a good place for me to start
(02:16):
.
Whenever my youngest daughterscrapes her knee, she'll come
running to me in tears most ofthe time and I'll pick her up
and hold her for a little whileuntil she's calm enough to start
telling me what happened.
And we usually do a little backand forth where she tells me
what happened and I tell herwhat she told me right back,
until she's fully satisfied Iunderstood, and then she gets
(02:37):
down and goes back to playing.
Adults are really no differentfrom a child.
We want someone to hold us ormaybe just to be with us, and
then we want to know that personunderstands what we went
through.
If we trust them, we mightconfide in them and they might
ask a few clarifying questions.
That helps both of you get tothe bottom of what's actually
(03:00):
causing your pain.
But once we know theyunderstand, we usually just want
them next to us or holding usIn a way.
I think we're fairly simplecreatures that way, simple as it
sounds.
When people bring their pain tous, we often get annoyed.
Maybe we try to avoid it ormaybe we try to fix the problem
(03:21):
instead of focusing on how wecan take away the actual pain
from the incident.
I fully recognize that somepeople's problems may seem very
silly at times, but the pain isreal and only after they know
you can comprehend that painwill you be able to guide them
back to perspective.
If you want them to know youunderstand, you have to show
(03:43):
them by telling them what youunderstood.
There's no other way they cansee proof that you heard and
comprehended what they said.
It's remarkably hard to do whensomeone's mad at you, but if
they see you sincerely trying tounderstand, they will feel some
of that burden be lifted, evenif just a little bit, when you
(04:03):
tell someone what you understoodfrom what they told you.
They may correct you and youmay have to try again, but you
will get there eventually andwhen you do they will melt, the
anger or sadness will dissipateand they will adore you for it.
And then all that's left to dois just to feel their pain with
them, give them a hug or lookinto their eyes and sympathize.
(04:27):
I like to imagine as if theirpain was like a glowing ember
that they hold inside of them.
But when you show them thatyou're able to understand,
they'll grab that ember and handit to you.
When we sit with a person orembrace them in their darkest
hours, it's almost as if you'retaking that glowing ember of
pain and putting it inside ofyourself.
(04:49):
The remarkable thing is that,instead of giving you pain, the
heat of that ember will begin todissipate and in place of that
pain you will feel a strongerconnection to the person that
shared it with you.
To put it as concisely as I can, we need to first pause our
instinct to fix the problem whenthey come to us.
(05:09):
Then we need to prove to themwe heard what they said.
And finally, we need to sharethe weight of their burden with
them.
It's easy to forget sometimesthat we can share pain with
others.
Of course, it would require acertain amount of trust, which
is one of the most importantreasons for us to actively be
trying to build that trust withother people.
When times are hard, even themost introverted of introverts
(05:34):
needs other people.
Pain is not meant to be heldalone.
People are not meant to doanything alone.
Our strength is, and always hasbeen, in cooperation.
We share knowledge, we shareour labor, we share happiness
and joy.
So why should we expect toshoulder pain alone?
(05:54):
It's only prolonging and makinga martyr out of ourselves when
we hold it tight and refuse toshare it with others.
Pain does not like to go awayquietly.
It finds its way out throughresentment, self-destructive
impulses and sometimes even aphysical toll.
Other people are the bestoutlet for that pain.
It is almost like pain insistsit be shared with others before
(06:19):
it will fully be gone.
Bonds are formed through pain.
No other shared emotion willbond you tighter to a person
than will sharing their pain.
We fool ourselves intobelieving we can be solitary
creatures.
But it is not our nature, itnever was and it never will be.
The best friendships andrelationships you will ever form
(06:41):
will be forged through pain.
Pain can become a wedge betweenpeople if they don't learn to
share it, but if they do, it candraw two people closer than
they've ever dreamed.
I find it fascinating that inmilitary training they
intentionally make soldiers'lives miserable, partly to
acclimate them to a warenvironment, but just as
(07:03):
importantly, to allow thesoldiers an opportunity to draw
together.
And it works.
Soldiers will gladly die tosave their friends.
Those kinds of bonds are builtthrough shared pain.
We do not have to limit who wechoose to share pain with.
It does not have to berestricted to your brothers in
arms or your close personalrelationships.
(07:26):
You can be a pillar of comfortto anyone in your life, for the
people at your work, for yourfriends at the gym or even a
stranger.
All pain, big and small, ismore easily carried with another
person.
I think a person could say theylived a pretty good life if
they just spent a little moreeffort trying to hold pain for
(07:47):
others.
The next time you see someone inpain, try to fight the urge to
change the subject or jump toadvice.
Sit there, hear them out andsee if you can bear some of
their burden with them, and youwill both walk away lighter.
This is Skipping Stones.
(08:08):
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonessrcom and if youenjoyed the show, please like or
subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel
free to email me at info atskippingstonessrcom.
(08:29):
New episodes will be releasedweekly, every Monday.
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