85. The Loudest Person Is the Most Afraid to Be Seen

What if speaking up isn’t always the same as being heard?

This episode digs into why noise can mask insecurity, how oversharing fakes connection, and why real confidence often sounds calm, not loud.

We talk about the power of listening, the value of silence, and how to show up with presence instead of performance.

If you’ve ever felt unseen even while talking nonstop, this one’s for you. Follow, share, and send it to a friend who’s learning that quiet confidence speaks the loudest.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
What in life deserves our time and attention,
and what things don't?
I hope that as we consider thatquestion, along with other
topics on this show, that we canall learn to live our lives just
a little more intentionally.
This is Seth Roberts.
Thanks for joining me onSkipping Stones.

(00:26):
Sometimes the loudest person inthe room is actually hiding in
plain sight.
I think everyone knows thatperson that walks in and kind of
imposes their voice on thegroup.
When you find yourself in a roomwith this person, you'll notice
that pretty much all the talkingbeing done is coming from that

(00:46):
one person.
And the conversation doesn'tveer from where they want it to
go.
We might call this personoutgoing, extroverted, or even
gregarious.
But I think this person moreoften than we think might, in a
way, be the shyest person there.
There's a kind of anonymity thatcomes from being loud.

(01:11):
It can be a kind of fortifiedwall we hide behind.
Controlling the room might feellike strength, so that's
probably why they do it.
Because deep down the part ofthem that they're afraid of
cannot be seen if they're ableto hide behind the loud noise of
their own voice.
It's soothing to them because itreaffirms that they are not weak

(01:34):
or forgettable.
I realize that sometimes peoplelike to tell themselves that
being the most open or theloudest person in the room is
authenticity.
But I think it's actually morelikely to be the opposite.
Sometimes it might blurt outtheir darkest secrets or exactly
what comes to mind in themoment, which in theory is being

(01:57):
authentic, but the motivationfor doing so isn't very
authentic.
They pretend to do it out ofbravery and indifference to the
negative opinions of others, butif someone feels compelled in
any way to overshare, that'sfrom a place of fear.
More than bravery, theirinsistence on being heard

(02:18):
becomes a shield instead.
The approach is as though theywere in a competition with
everyone else.
It's almost like they feel theneed to either overwhelm the
other people in the room withtheir thoughts and opinions, or
to simply put out their dirtylaundry before anyone can accuse
them of hiding it.

(02:38):
It certainly doesn't come from aplace of contentment.
When you're the loudest person,you may feel like you're
commanding the room, but youcertainly aren't participating
in it.
When we come in strong and takeover the conversation, we force
everyone there to see us acertain way and smother any

(02:59):
possibility of outsidecontributions.
Loudness is a form of control,and instead of allowing people
to take their guesses as to whatwe are, we force feed them with
an impression so loud their earsare still ringing after they've
parted.
That overly opinionated, overlyloud, overly pushy person is not

(03:22):
who they actually are.
What we're seeing is their fearof being forgotten or their fear
of being less than that comeswhen they feel ignored or
insignificant.
Being the loudest person in theroom is the sneakiest way a
person can stay alone in acrowd.
When no one else has room toexist in the same room, there's

(03:45):
hardly a difference.
Maybe for some people it's ascary thing to have to listen
more than they speak, becausethey risk having to potentially
listen to perspectives that maycontradict their own.
Maybe they associate attentionwith their self-worth.
And maybe moments of silence areactually more deafening than the

(04:05):
sound of their own voice.
Painful as it may be to keep ourmouths shut, we have so much
more to gain from it.
When we talk, we repeat thethings we already know.
But when we listen, we usuallylearn something we didn't.
Giving others a chance to talkgives them an opportunity to

(04:27):
make connection with you.
It gives you a chance to maybefind out you actually really
like the person you're with.
Either way, when you allowothers a chance to speak, you
don't have to be alone anymore.
When we let others into theconversation, we give people a
chance to see who we are moreauthentically.

(04:47):
The part of us that isauthentically us is not wrapped
up in an effort to compensatefor something.
Your authentic self may even bea wreck, but authenticity
doesn't require us to announcethat over a loudspeaker.
It's so easy to be tricked intothinking that attention is the
equivalent to value in ourmodern era.

(05:09):
We get fooled into thinking ifwe can get more eyes on us, then
we have worth.
But our worth really comes morefrom what we can give to others.
And much more often than we maythink, giving another person an
opportunity to speak a littlebit about themselves provides
far more value than bombardingthem with our thoughts and

(05:30):
opinions.
Quiet confidence is strengththat goes deeper than surface
level.
It's not obvious, it's not evenexciting, but it is real, and
people can feel it.
A truly confident person doesnot need to command a room.
They do not need the attentionof others, they do not need to

(05:53):
be soothed by the sound of theirown voice.
Real strength has never come bybeing louder than everyone else.
If anything, being louder thaneveryone else does us a
disservice.
Like the boy who cried wolf,people learn to tune out the
people in their lives that willnot be quiet.
Things worth saying do not haveto be a novel.

(06:16):
And if they happen to be anovel, it will only enrich what
you have to say if you'rewilling to hear what others have
to add to it.
If you're the loudest person inthe room, maybe ask yourself
what you're so afraid of peopleseeing.
I think if you want people tothink about you a certain way,
it's always better just tofollow the advice to show them

(06:39):
instead of telling them.
This is Skipping Stones.
You can find this podcastanywhere you choose to listen to
podcasts.
For more information about me,feel free to visit
skippingstonesr.com.
And if you enjoyed the show,please like or subscribe.
If there is a topic you wouldlike me to speak on, please feel

(07:00):
free to email me at info atskippingstonesr.com.
New episodes will be releasedweekly every Monday.