January 21, 2025 • 17 mins
Justin Sunseri tackles a common belief among his clients—the necessity of identifying the root cause of anxiety, anger, or depression to address these feelings. Justin reads and responds to a community member's query about 'safety anchors' and their effectiveness when the source of anxiety is unknown. He explains that while knowing the trigger can be helpful, it is not essential for alleviating anxiety. By permitting emotions and listening to what the body needs, individuals can reduce the intensity of their feelings. Justin emphasizes reframing the idea of 'fixing' emotions to 'unsticking' them and validates the importance of feeling and acknowledging emotions in the present moment. The episode wraps up with an invitation to join the 'Stuck Not Broken: Total Access Membership' for further support and resources.
00:00 Introduction to Common Problems in Therapy
00:41 Responding to a Community Question
02:42 Understanding Anxiety Triggers
08:31 The Concept of Being Stuck, Not Broken
11:12 Reframing and Validating Emotions
15:23 Conclusion and Membership Invitation
Resources:
🔸 Free resources and course in the Members Center - https://www.justinlmft.com/members
🔸 Join the Unstucking Academy - https://www.stucknotbroken.com/unstuckingacademy
🔸 Polyvagal Intro webpage - https://www.justinlmft.com/polyvagalintro
🔸 Stuck Not Broken book series - https://www.justinlmft.com/books
🔸 Polyvagal 101 audio series - https://player.captivate.fm/collection/cce134e7-1550-4d33-8e56-738d344c63b0
Crisis resources:
- National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1 (800) 273-8255
- National Domestic Violence Hotline -1 (800) 799-7233
- LGBT Trevor Project Lifeline - 1 (866) 488-7386
- National Sexual Assault Hotline - 1 (800) 656-4673
- Crisis Text Line - Text “HOME” to 741741
- Call 911 for emergency
This and other content produced by Justin Sunseri (“JustinLMFT”) (i.e; podcast, YouTube, Instagram, etc.) is not therapy, not intended to be therapy or be a replacement for therapy. Nothing in this creates or indicates a therapeutic relationship. Please consult with your therapist or seek for one in your area if you are experiencing mental health symptoms. Nothing should be construed to be specific life advice; it is for educational and entertainment purposes only.
Justin Sunseri is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist registered in the State of California (#99147).
Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast! When you do, you will immediately get the next episode as soon as it's available. What's better than having the next episode of SNB ready and waiting for you? (Nothing, that's what.)
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I think this might be one of themost common problems that I see
(00:06):
when I'm working as a therapistor as a coach with my clients.
Uh, and that is the belief thatif we don't know what is causing
ourselves to feel anxiety or angeror depression or fill in the.
that we can't fix it.
And actually brings up another problem,which is the idea of fixing these things.
(00:26):
Hey,
I'm Justin Sunseri.
I'm a
therapist and coach.
I love to work with people to helpthem feel more calm, confident, and
connected without psychobabble or woo woo.
Welcome to Stuck Not Broken.
This is of course not therapy or,nor is it intended to be therapy.
Well, before I even go to this, thisis, I'm gonna respond to a question
I got from within my community.
Basically I'll read itfirst and then go into it.
(00:50):
The person says, "this is inregard to safety anchors."
I have a course called building safetyanchors and a book called stuck now
broken book two building safety.
It talks all about both the course andthe book talk all about how to feel
safe, how to recognize it, how to doit again and build up the capacity
to feel safe, um, day in, day out.
(01:10):
"This is in regard to safety anchors.
I'm not sure they will work for me.
I don't know what'striggering my anxiety."
And then it gives me a year by yearrundown of some of what he's been
through and what he's attempted.
And it sounds like he's definitelyputting quote unquote, the work
he's, he's done everything thatone could ask of him to do.
(01:35):
And then says, uh, "my biggestproblem is I don't know what's
creating this internal anxiety drive.
If I don't know whatit is, I can't fix it.
It would seem that over theyears I have created some safety
spaces and recovered, but thereis still some driving underneath.
I felt safe running safe at universityand then safe at a specific area.
(01:59):
They never lasted."
So that's the context.
So I want to respond to acouple of pieces of this.
By the way, if you have a question forme, I love responding to questions.
I also create episodes where I'mtrying to figure out what would people
be interested in learning about mycommunity or my, uh, my audience.
And then sharing about that.
I'll keep doing those.
It was sort of like preplanned outlinedepisodes, but I really like this.
(02:22):
I like to read from peopleand answer their questions.
That's just more exciting for me, eventhough it might not be great for the
Algorithm and channel growth, but thisis I like doing this So if you have
questions put them in the commentson YouTube email me if you like to.
I can't promise I'll get to them,but I prefer to do this than just
try to figure out what the heckyou guys want to learn about.
(02:42):
The first piece of this is if wedon't know what's causing the feeling
can't we or can we not fix it?
So on the one hand, like, yeah,of course, knowing what is
causing anxiety is super helpful.
If you know that heights or spiders or acertain person or just going to work, if
(03:08):
you know these things cause you anxiety,then yeah, it makes it a lot easier to set
yourself up to potentially decrease theamount of anxiety, if not eliminate it.
altogether.
So if you know that you're afraidof spiders, well, you don't
go around spiders and all of asudden you don't have anxiety.
That pretty much solvesthe problem, right?
Does it help you grow andface your fears and all that?
(03:30):
No, not really, but itgets rid of the anxiety.
So problem solved.
If you know that you're anxiousabout going to work, like, I guess
you could just stop going to work.
Sure.
But maybe you could start to identify,identify more in particular what
at work is causing you anxiety.
Maybe it's not all the work.
Maybe it's certain people at work.
(03:53):
Maybe it's because your cubicle oris, um, or your office is too cramped
and you need to declutter and thatmight help to reduce your anxiety.
Maybe you need to get up and walk in themiddle of the day instead of being on
TikTok or whatever social media platformduring your 15, 30, 15 minute break.
(04:13):
Maybe you need to get move around.
So if we know the context, heck yeah,then it's a hell of a lot easier
to address anxiety, or anger, ordepression, or whatever the heck.
But, at the same time, no, wedon't need to know what's causing
it for things to get better.
(04:35):
So, like, if, let's say thatwork is your anxiety trigger,
well, I guess we already know it.
But let's say you're going towork day in, day out, and you
have no idea why you feel anxious.
A lot of good can come fromletting yourself feel anxious
no matter the context.
So if you give it permission to be there,if you just give yourself permission
to have all of your feelings, no matterwhat they are, that actually helps, helps
(04:58):
to reduce the intensity of the feeling.
So you can be at work withoutrealizing that work is the trigger.
So while you're at work, even thoughyou're not aware that work is the
trigger, you can still notice yourfeelings and then permit them to be there.
And then listen to whatyour feelings need.
And if you truly listen to whatyour feelings, what your body
(05:20):
needs, it might tell you, getup and take a walk on our break.
It might tell you, put thephone down, stare out the
window and breathe mindfully.
But you have to first acknowledgethat you have anxiety and
then permit it to be there.
And then listen to what it needs.
And if you listen deeply enough,it'll tell you what it needs.
(05:41):
So you don't really need to knowwhat's causing it, but your body will
tell you that "here's the answer.
This is what we need."
And that can help to alleviate it.
Well, the other issue with this questionis, and actually the kind of like he
said toward the end, which is some thingshelp or some contexts help to reduce,
(06:01):
or he's, he's, he used the word recover.
Some contexts helped me torecover, but it's still something
still "driving underneath."
And that's a really big issue.
And probably what brings people to thischannel or to the political theory in
the first place is there's somethingelse happening within me that I don't
(06:24):
know how to cope with or turn off.
And it's never thateasy in the first place.
But it's not just like we go to asituation, we go to work, and then
we're, well, okay, sometimes it islike we go to, we're around a spider
and we get triggered into anxiety.
But many people have underlyinganxiety always present in their system,
(06:52):
whether they're aware of it or not.
But it's always there, at least ata low level, ready to be triggered.
So it's just kind of lingering.
A lot of people have that issue andthat would be due to their autonomic
nervous system being stuck, probably ina state of sympathetic flight activation.
So even though they're notgetting up and running around, the
body is prepared to run around.
(07:14):
The body is prepared to escape.
The body is already sympatheticallydriven, at least a little bit.
So it's kind of always there.
And then when we go to that certainenvironment, like work or around that
certain person, now it becomes triggered.
It was already there.
It was waiting.
It was lying dormant.
But now it's triggered by whatever
(07:36):
and now we feel it.
And now we think, well, whatthe heck's causing this?
And that's a valid question.
But also, it was already there.
So it's not just the thing causing it.
One may always be in a state offlight, fight, shut down, freeze.
And so pinpointing a cause dayto day is kind of a moot point.
(07:58):
And of course, it has a lot to do withpast, the way we were raised, the things
we've been through, culture, family,all the, everything, religious beliefs.
All of these things contributeto whatever state that we are
stuck in, for better or worse.
And that's where the question ofwhat's causing this really falls apart.
(08:22):
Because it's not justa thing causing this.
Now we're talking about beingstuck in a state of defense
potentially for a lifetime.
The other piece that I want toaddress here, and I don't think it's
nitpicky I don't think it's me justfinding a problem where it's not if
you think so feel free to let me knowin the YouTube comments or email me.
(08:43):
This person and pretty much everybodyI work with in therapy and as a coach
pretty I mean, I can't think of anyonewhere this wasn't true They come to
me and they want to fix how they feel.
In no way do I blame them at all.
And myself, I fall into this,um, thinking pattern as well.
(09:04):
So it's, no one's immune to this,but the reality is that our feelings
or emotions don't need fixing.
When I call the podcast StuckNot broken, I really mean it.
I don't think anyone here is broken.
Broken.
And anyone listening, myself,I don't think we're broken.
I think that we might be stuckat some point, but not broken.
(09:29):
If we're broken, we need fixing.
If we're stuck, then, well,we just need to get unstuck.
And to continue down our path in life.
And that's a long road, potentially.
So, I don't think we need fixing.
I don't think that our emotions,our thoughts, are here because we
(09:53):
are broken in some way, or thatwe have some sort of illness.
I I don't, I don't viewthings that way personally.
So when people come to me in therapy orin coaching, they want to fix things.
There's an obstacle therebecause well, you're not broken.
And the way that you feel isdamn near 100 percent of the time
I've worked with people, a directresult of their life context.
(10:17):
Is someone born more orless likely to be anxious?
Maybe I don't, I have no way of verifyingthat or proving that whatsoever.
But every time I met with someoneand they tell me what they're going
through and I learn about their history.
Yeah, it makes sense.
It makes sense why somebody wouldbe stuck in a state of flight,
fight, shut down, or freeze.
It makes sense why they would adoptwhatever coping mechanisms they
(10:40):
have to deal with that stuck state.
So what, how could we fix, it doesn'tmake sense to me how we could fix
something that makes complete sense.
It's not broken.
You're not broken.
Your stuck state is there for a reason.
It's normal based on thecontext of your life.
What's, I don't understandwhat's broken about that.
(11:01):
I don't understand whatneeds fixing about that.
And no, again, I don'tthink it's me nitpicking.
I don't think it's me creatinga problem where there is none.
Maybe it is, but I don't think so.
So instead of that, if we can tweakthe way we think about this, and I know
people in my email lists are going tosay, Justin, you don't like it when
people focus on thoughts as the rootof the problem, I, of course I agree.
(11:25):
And I don't think it's the root of theproblem, but if we can reframe about
that, we'll use a cognitive skill.
We will reframe the need tobe fixed with normalizing.
With validating, normalizing, andeven permitting how we feel, if we
can put those cognitive skills intoplace, I think we're better off.
Cause now all of a sudden our emotionsare valid or we acknowledge them.
(11:49):
They make sense based onthe context of our life.
That's the normalization piece.
And we can permit them at step three,we can give them permission to be there.
And what I find time and time andtime again, whether in my Client work
one on one or in my live cohorts thatI do in my community, when we can
(12:10):
validate, normalize, and actuallypermit our feelings to be there instead
of trying to fix them, they actuallysoften, they get quote unquote better.
They don't go away completely.
They're not, it's not a cure, but when wego through that process, it significantly,
time and time again, significantlyreduces the intensity of what we're going
(12:30):
through and it opens up some capacity tofeel it, to feel, to go deeper into it,
especially when combined with safety.
Passive and mindfullygrounding in our safety state.
So it's I, I fixing andmaking things better.
(12:51):
I get the sentiment.
I don't blame anybody at all.
We've all been there.
Again, no one's immune to this,but if we can do a reframe here.
So instead of fixing, it'sactually, I'm just stuck.
And if you're into this polyvagalstuff, like I am that stuck message
should really resonate with you.
(13:11):
So I would invite youto take that seriously.
I would invite you to, to reframe that.
And if you can do that now, all of asudden, can you validate how you feel?
Just acknowledge it.
Can you normalize how you feelbased on the context of your life?
And then can you givepermission to how you feel?
And if you can do that, especiallywhen combined with safety, all of
(13:31):
a sudden now you have a potentialto listen to your body, to feel
deeply what you're going throughand then to act on those underlying
sensations and impulses that comealong with your stuck defensive state.
This is very top level, highlevel understanding of it.
Way more involved, um, the processof validating, normalizing, and
(13:53):
permitting the process of feelinginto your stuck defensive state.
There's a lot of pieces that Ican't go over here, but that's the,
that's the broad overview of it.
I guess the, at a minimum, if youcould take something away from this
is you're not, you're not broken.
You are stuck like all of us on some levelwhere we have some level of stuckness.
(14:15):
You're stuck with the potentialto get unstuck, not broken
and desperate for fixing.
Take that out- hopefullyyou take that reframe.
And the other piece of thisis that knowing the why of
something can be really helpful.
Is it necessary?
No, not really.
And even when I work with my clients oneon one, they always say, I don't know why.
(14:38):
I don't know why I feel this way.
I don't know why.
We always figure it out.
But, um, They say, I don't know why.
And I'll tell them, wedon't need to know why.
We just need to know what youfeel in the present moment.
And that's, we got lotsto work with right there.
As we feel things in the present moment,the why of it becomes a lot more clear.
Memories will start to comeup, feelings, old feelings.
(15:00):
Those things start to come up, but inthe present moment, if we can get to just
what you feel without making it go away,trying to make it go away, without judging
it, without minimizing it, if we can getto how you feel in the present moment,
there's so much there to work with.
The why of it is still important,but it's not necessary.
(15:23):
Alright, that's it.
Thank you to this person for messagingthis and letting me use it as a little
prompt to create an episode around.
If you want to take the nextsteps on getting unstuck, I
have the perfect option for you.
It is called the Stuck NotBroken: Total Access Membership.
In the Total Access Membership,you get access, you get total
(15:43):
access to the private community,the Stucknaut collective.
And you get access to my courses.
There's five of them now with asix one on the way you get all
my, uh, trauma recovery courses,uh, for one low quarterly price.
As of right now, it's90 bucks per quarter.
So about 30 a month or 25 percent offwhen you do the annual membership, you'll
(16:10):
be able to connect with people and getreally clear learning all in one place.
I really hope to see you there.
Can't wait.
This is your invitation to jointhe Total Access Membership.
Head on over to justinlmft.
com slash total access to learn moreor just message me and I'm happy
to, to answer any questions you haveabout the Total Access Membership.
Again, justinlmft.
(16:31):
com slash total access.
Thanks for joining me in this episode.
I really hope this hasbeen helpful for you.
Bye.
This podcast is not therapy,not intended to be therapy or
be a replacement for therapy.
Nothing in this creates or indicatesa therapeutic relationship.
Please consult with your therapist orseek for one in your area if you are
experiencing mental health symptoms.
(16:53):
Nothing in this podcast should beconstrued to be specific life advice.
It is for educational andentertainment purposes only.
More resources are available inthe description of this episode
and in the footer of justinlmft.
com.
I think this might be one of themost common problems that I see
(00:06):
when I'm working as a therapistor as a coach with my clients.
Uh, and that is the belief thatif we don't know what is causing
ourselves to feel anxiety or angeror depression or fill in the.
that we can't fix it.
And actually brings up another problem,which is the idea of fixing these things.
(00:26):
Hey,
I'm Justin Sunseri.
I'm a
therapist and coach.
I love to work with people to helpthem feel more calm, confident, and
connected without psychobabble or woo woo.
Welcome to Stuck Not Broken.
This is of course not therapy or,nor is it intended to be therapy.
Well, before I even go to this, thisis, I'm gonna respond to a question
I got from within my community.
Basically I'll read itfirst and then go into it.
(00:50):
The person says, "this is inregard to safety anchors."
I have a course called building safetyanchors and a book called stuck now
broken book two building safety.
It talks all about both the course andthe book talk all about how to feel
safe, how to recognize it, how to doit again and build up the capacity
to feel safe, um, day in, day out.
(01:10):
"This is in regard to safety anchors.
I'm not sure they will work for me.
I don't know what'striggering my anxiety."
And then it gives me a year by yearrundown of some of what he's been
through and what he's attempted.
And it sounds like he's definitelyputting quote unquote, the work
he's, he's done everything thatone could ask of him to do.
(01:35):
And then says, uh, "my biggestproblem is I don't know what's
creating this internal anxiety drive.
If I don't know whatit is, I can't fix it.
It would seem that over theyears I have created some safety
spaces and recovered, but thereis still some driving underneath.
I felt safe running safe at universityand then safe at a specific area.
(01:59):
They never lasted."
So that's the context.
So I want to respond to acouple of pieces of this.
By the way, if you have a question forme, I love responding to questions.
I also create episodes where I'mtrying to figure out what would people
be interested in learning about mycommunity or my, uh, my audience.
And then sharing about that.
I'll keep doing those.
It was sort of like preplanned outlinedepisodes, but I really like this.
(02:22):
I like to read from peopleand answer their questions.
That's just more exciting for me, eventhough it might not be great for the
Algorithm and channel growth, but thisis I like doing this So if you have
questions put them in the commentson YouTube email me if you like to.
I can't promise I'll get to them,but I prefer to do this than just
try to figure out what the heckyou guys want to learn about.
(02:42):
The first piece of this is if wedon't know what's causing the feeling
can't we or can we not fix it?
So on the one hand, like, yeah,of course, knowing what is
causing anxiety is super helpful.
If you know that heights or spiders or acertain person or just going to work, if
(03:08):
you know these things cause you anxiety,then yeah, it makes it a lot easier to set
yourself up to potentially decrease theamount of anxiety, if not eliminate it.
altogether.
So if you know that you're afraidof spiders, well, you don't
go around spiders and all of asudden you don't have anxiety.
That pretty much solvesthe problem, right?
Does it help you grow andface your fears and all that?
(03:30):
No, not really, but itgets rid of the anxiety.
So problem solved.
If you know that you're anxiousabout going to work, like, I guess
you could just stop going to work.
Sure.
But maybe you could start to identify,identify more in particular what
at work is causing you anxiety.
Maybe it's not all the work.
Maybe it's certain people at work.
(03:53):
Maybe it's because your cubicle oris, um, or your office is too cramped
and you need to declutter and thatmight help to reduce your anxiety.
Maybe you need to get up and walk in themiddle of the day instead of being on
TikTok or whatever social media platformduring your 15, 30, 15 minute break.
(04:13):
Maybe you need to get move around.
So if we know the context, heck yeah,then it's a hell of a lot easier
to address anxiety, or anger, ordepression, or whatever the heck.
But, at the same time, no, wedon't need to know what's causing
it for things to get better.
(04:35):
So, like, if, let's say thatwork is your anxiety trigger,
well, I guess we already know it.
But let's say you're going towork day in, day out, and you
have no idea why you feel anxious.
A lot of good can come fromletting yourself feel anxious
no matter the context.
So if you give it permission to be there,if you just give yourself permission
to have all of your feelings, no matterwhat they are, that actually helps, helps
(04:58):
to reduce the intensity of the feeling.
So you can be at work withoutrealizing that work is the trigger.
So while you're at work, even thoughyou're not aware that work is the
trigger, you can still notice yourfeelings and then permit them to be there.
And then listen to whatyour feelings need.
And if you truly listen to whatyour feelings, what your body
(05:20):
needs, it might tell you, getup and take a walk on our break.
It might tell you, put thephone down, stare out the
window and breathe mindfully.
But you have to first acknowledgethat you have anxiety and
then permit it to be there.
And then listen to what it needs.
And if you listen deeply enough,it'll tell you what it needs.
(05:41):
So you don't really need to knowwhat's causing it, but your body will
tell you that "here's the answer.
This is what we need."
And that can help to alleviate it.
Well, the other issue with this questionis, and actually the kind of like he
said toward the end, which is some thingshelp or some contexts help to reduce,
(06:01):
or he's, he's, he used the word recover.
Some contexts helped me torecover, but it's still something
still "driving underneath."
And that's a really big issue.
And probably what brings people to thischannel or to the political theory in
the first place is there's somethingelse happening within me that I don't
(06:24):
know how to cope with or turn off.
And it's never thateasy in the first place.
But it's not just like we go to asituation, we go to work, and then
we're, well, okay, sometimes it islike we go to, we're around a spider
and we get triggered into anxiety.
But many people have underlyinganxiety always present in their system,
(06:52):
whether they're aware of it or not.
But it's always there, at least ata low level, ready to be triggered.
So it's just kind of lingering.
A lot of people have that issue andthat would be due to their autonomic
nervous system being stuck, probably ina state of sympathetic flight activation.
So even though they're notgetting up and running around, the
body is prepared to run around.
(07:14):
The body is prepared to escape.
The body is already sympatheticallydriven, at least a little bit.
So it's kind of always there.
And then when we go to that certainenvironment, like work or around that
certain person, now it becomes triggered.
It was already there.
It was waiting.
It was lying dormant.
But now it's triggered by whatever
(07:36):
and now we feel it.
And now we think, well, whatthe heck's causing this?
And that's a valid question.
But also, it was already there.
So it's not just the thing causing it.
One may always be in a state offlight, fight, shut down, freeze.
And so pinpointing a cause dayto day is kind of a moot point.
(07:58):
And of course, it has a lot to do withpast, the way we were raised, the things
we've been through, culture, family,all the, everything, religious beliefs.
All of these things contributeto whatever state that we are
stuck in, for better or worse.
And that's where the question ofwhat's causing this really falls apart.
(08:22):
Because it's not justa thing causing this.
Now we're talking about beingstuck in a state of defense
potentially for a lifetime.
The other piece that I want toaddress here, and I don't think it's
nitpicky I don't think it's me justfinding a problem where it's not if
you think so feel free to let me knowin the YouTube comments or email me.
(08:43):
This person and pretty much everybodyI work with in therapy and as a coach
pretty I mean, I can't think of anyonewhere this wasn't true They come to
me and they want to fix how they feel.
In no way do I blame them at all.
And myself, I fall into this,um, thinking pattern as well.
(09:04):
So it's, no one's immune to this,but the reality is that our feelings
or emotions don't need fixing.
When I call the podcast StuckNot broken, I really mean it.
I don't think anyone here is broken.
Broken.
And anyone listening, myself,I don't think we're broken.
I think that we might be stuckat some point, but not broken.
(09:29):
If we're broken, we need fixing.
If we're stuck, then, well,we just need to get unstuck.
And to continue down our path in life.
And that's a long road, potentially.
So, I don't think we need fixing.
I don't think that our emotions,our thoughts, are here because we
(09:53):
are broken in some way, or thatwe have some sort of illness.
I I don't, I don't viewthings that way personally.
So when people come to me in therapy orin coaching, they want to fix things.
There's an obstacle therebecause well, you're not broken.
And the way that you feel isdamn near 100 percent of the time
I've worked with people, a directresult of their life context.
(10:17):
Is someone born more orless likely to be anxious?
Maybe I don't, I have no way of verifyingthat or proving that whatsoever.
But every time I met with someoneand they tell me what they're going
through and I learn about their history.
Yeah, it makes sense.
It makes sense why somebody wouldbe stuck in a state of flight,
fight, shut down, or freeze.
It makes sense why they would adoptwhatever coping mechanisms they
(10:40):
have to deal with that stuck state.
So what, how could we fix, it doesn'tmake sense to me how we could fix
something that makes complete sense.
It's not broken.
You're not broken.
Your stuck state is there for a reason.
It's normal based on thecontext of your life.
What's, I don't understandwhat's broken about that.
(11:01):
I don't understand whatneeds fixing about that.
And no, again, I don'tthink it's me nitpicking.
I don't think it's me creatinga problem where there is none.
Maybe it is, but I don't think so.
So instead of that, if we can tweakthe way we think about this, and I know
people in my email lists are going tosay, Justin, you don't like it when
people focus on thoughts as the rootof the problem, I, of course I agree.
(11:25):
And I don't think it's the root of theproblem, but if we can reframe about
that, we'll use a cognitive skill.
We will reframe the need tobe fixed with normalizing.
With validating, normalizing, andeven permitting how we feel, if we
can put those cognitive skills intoplace, I think we're better off.
Cause now all of a sudden our emotionsare valid or we acknowledge them.
(11:49):
They make sense based onthe context of our life.
That's the normalization piece.
And we can permit them at step three,we can give them permission to be there.
And what I find time and time andtime again, whether in my Client work
one on one or in my live cohorts thatI do in my community, when we can
(12:10):
validate, normalize, and actuallypermit our feelings to be there instead
of trying to fix them, they actuallysoften, they get quote unquote better.
They don't go away completely.
They're not, it's not a cure, but when wego through that process, it significantly,
time and time again, significantlyreduces the intensity of what we're going
(12:30):
through and it opens up some capacity tofeel it, to feel, to go deeper into it,
especially when combined with safety.
Passive and mindfullygrounding in our safety state.
So it's I, I fixing andmaking things better.
(12:51):
I get the sentiment.
I don't blame anybody at all.
We've all been there.
Again, no one's immune to this,but if we can do a reframe here.
So instead of fixing, it'sactually, I'm just stuck.
And if you're into this polyvagalstuff, like I am that stuck message
should really resonate with you.
(13:11):
So I would invite youto take that seriously.
I would invite you to, to reframe that.
And if you can do that now, all of asudden, can you validate how you feel?
Just acknowledge it.
Can you normalize how you feelbased on the context of your life?
And then can you givepermission to how you feel?
And if you can do that, especiallywhen combined with safety, all of
(13:31):
a sudden now you have a potentialto listen to your body, to feel
deeply what you're going throughand then to act on those underlying
sensations and impulses that comealong with your stuck defensive state.
This is very top level, highlevel understanding of it.
Way more involved, um, the processof validating, normalizing, and
(13:53):
permitting the process of feelinginto your stuck defensive state.
There's a lot of pieces that Ican't go over here, but that's the,
that's the broad overview of it.
I guess the, at a minimum, if youcould take something away from this
is you're not, you're not broken.
You are stuck like all of us on some levelwhere we have some level of stuckness.
(14:15):
You're stuck with the potentialto get unstuck, not broken
and desperate for fixing.
Take that out- hopefullyyou take that reframe.
And the other piece of thisis that knowing the why of
something can be really helpful.
Is it necessary?
No, not really.
And even when I work with my clients oneon one, they always say, I don't know why.
(14:38):
I don't know why I feel this way.
I don't know why.
We always figure it out.
But, um, They say, I don't know why.
And I'll tell them, wedon't need to know why.
We just need to know what youfeel in the present moment.
And that's, we got lotsto work with right there.
As we feel things in the present moment,the why of it becomes a lot more clear.
Memories will start to comeup, feelings, old feelings.
(15:00):
Those things start to come up, but inthe present moment, if we can get to just
what you feel without making it go away,trying to make it go away, without judging
it, without minimizing it, if we can getto how you feel in the present moment,
there's so much there to work with.
The why of it is still important,but it's not necessary.
(15:23):
Alright, that's it.
Thank you to this person for messagingthis and letting me use it as a little
prompt to create an episode around.
If you want to take the nextsteps on getting unstuck, I
have the perfect option for you.
It is called the Stuck NotBroken: Total Access Membership.
In the Total Access Membership,you get access, you get total
(15:43):
access to the private community,the Stucknaut collective.
And you get access to my courses.
There's five of them now with asix one on the way you get all
my, uh, trauma recovery courses,uh, for one low quarterly price.
As of right now, it's90 bucks per quarter.
So about 30 a month or 25 percent offwhen you do the annual membership, you'll
(16:10):
be able to connect with people and getreally clear learning all in one place.
I really hope to see you there.
Can't wait.
This is your invitation to jointhe Total Access Membership.
Head on over to justinlmft.
com slash total access to learn moreor just message me and I'm happy
to, to answer any questions you haveabout the Total Access Membership.
Again, justinlmft.
(16:31):
com slash total access.
Thanks for joining me in this episode.
I really hope this hasbeen helpful for you.
Bye.
This podcast is not therapy,not intended to be therapy or
be a replacement for therapy.
Nothing in this creates or indicatesa therapeutic relationship.
Please consult with your therapist orseek for one in your area if you are
experiencing mental health symptoms.
(16:53):
Nothing in this podcast should beconstrued to be specific life advice.
It is for educational andentertainment purposes only.
More resources are available inthe description of this episode
and in the footer of justinlmft.
com.
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