April 4, 2025 • 13 mins
In this episode of 'Stuck Not Broken,' therapist and coach Justin Sunseri provides practical guidance on applying Polyvagal Theory to everyday life through validation and normalization techniques. Learn to bring compassion to your stuck defensive states through acknowledging and understanding your emotions and thoughts. Justin walks you through simple practices to help you live more calmly and connected. This episode includes skills practice and insights from the Unstucking Academy, making it an essential listen for anyone looking to improve their emotional resilience. Join us as we delve deeper into self-compassion and understanding through Polyvagal Theory.
00:00 Introduction to Polyvagal Theory Application
01:32 Understanding Validation
06:52 Validation Practice
09:30 Introduction to Normalization
15:49 Normalization Practice
21:06 Conclusion and Next Steps
Resources:
🔸 Free resources and course in the Members Center - https://www.justinlmft.com/members
🔸 Join the Unstucking Academy - https://www.stucknotbroken.com/unstuckingacademy
🔸 Polyvagal Intro webpage - https://www.justinlmft.com/polyvagalintro
🔸 Stuck Not Broken book series - https://www.justinlmft.com/books
🔸 Polyvagal 101 audio series - https://player.captivate.fm/collection/cce134e7-1550-4d33-8e56-738d344c63b0
Crisis resources:
- National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1 (800) 273-8255
- National Domestic Violence Hotline -1 (800) 799-7233
- LGBT Trevor Project Lifeline - 1 (866) 488-7386
- National Sexual Assault Hotline - 1 (800) 656-4673
- Crisis Text Line - Text “HOME” to 741741
- Call 911 for emergency
This and other content produced by Justin Sunseri (“JustinLMFT”) (i.e; podcast, YouTube, Instagram, etc.) is not therapy, not intended to be therapy or be a replacement for therapy. Nothing in this creates or indicates a therapeutic relationship. Please consult with your therapist or seek for one in your area if you are experiencing mental health symptoms. Nothing should be construed to be specific life advice; it is for educational and entertainment purposes only.
Justin Sunseri is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist registered in the State of California (#99147).
Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast! When you do, you will immediately get the next episode as soon as it's available. What's better than having the next episode of SNB ready and waiting for you? (Nothing, that's what.)
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You know the poly vehicle theory.
Now what?
How do you apply this knowledgeto your specific everyday life?
What do you do with it?
I'm sharing five tips toanswer that one question.
This episode is the thirdin the five part series.
This tip focuses on bringing asmidgen of compassion to your stuck
(00:20):
defensive polyvagal state through twoskills, validating and normalizing.
Don't let this scare you, I promise I'llmake it easy and I'll walk you through it.
Hey, my name's Justin Sunseri I'ma therapist and coach who helps you
live more calmly, confidently, andconnected without psychobabble or
woowoo, welcome to Stuck Not Broken.
(00:41):
This podcast is not therapy, noris it intended to replace therapy.
Ideally, we have lots of accessto the ventral vagal safety state.
Realistically we don't.
This is true for all of us, but moreso for you if you've lived through a
traumatic incident or had a life fullof traumatic incidents- plus what,
(01:04):
whatever social and family layersthat are just stacked on top of those.
To put it simply, you couldprobably use a bit of compassion.
Some understanding, some empathy,validation, and to just feel normal.
The problem is that neitheryou nor I can make that happen.
(01:25):
We don't control other people,but I can teach you to provide
that for yourself in a few steps.
Our goal in this episode is to validate.
And to normalize your experience.
To teach you this, I'm actually goingto use the slides and lessons that
I use within the Unstucking Academy.
So if you're on YouTube,you'll be able to see those.
(01:47):
I use these lessons within thecourses and the live practices.
So this is kind of a inside peek intohow things work in the community,
along with the third Polyvagaltheory tip for everyday life.
All right, so let's doa skills practice here.
The first part of it is validating.
We're gonna cover what it is, why wewould do it, why we'd validate, and
(02:09):
then do a really light, easy practice.
Validating means that we areacknowledging what is true and
we are more concerned with theinternal world than anything else.
So typically we're gonna validate oracknowledge what is true in our emotions
and in our cognitions, our our thoughts.
that's typically gonna be moreaccessible than things like our
underlying impulses and sensationsthat come from a polyvagal state.
(02:33):
So emotions and thoughts are typicallygonna be what we could validate.
It sounds like.
I feel sad.
I'm angry.
I feel nothing or I feel hopeful.
So we can validate things that feel goodand thing things that don't feel good.
validation is not being okay withor liking what you acknowledge.
I'm not asking you to be okay with it.
(02:55):
And it's also not accepting it either.
You don't have to acceptthat it's permanent.
You don't have to like it, andyou don't have to accept it.
We just have to recognize what is true.
Invalidation is judgingyourself, saying things like,
there's something wrong with me.
Other people aren't like this.
That would be invalidating.
Invalidation also uses whatI call cognitive skills.
These are things that we do to lessen thetrue nature of what we're going through.
(03:20):
That reduce the overwhelmingnature of those things.
So that would be likeminimizing, denying repressing.
That would be invalidating it.
It could sound like it's not a big deal.
I just need to keep my mind off of it.
Invalidation is also notlabeling or diagnosing your
(03:41):
experience, your true experience.
So saying, I feel distractedbecause of my AD/HD would be.
Invalidating to the trueexperience of distraction.
It's enough to say, I feel distracted,or I am distracted, or I feel
overwhelmed rather than I feeloverwhelmed because of X, Y, or Z.
(04:02):
And I think we tend to overdiagnose, um, in the therapeutic
world, but also ourselves.
I am positive that you may have triedto find a label for what you're feeling.
And that you think of what you feel as asymptom of some sort of disorder rather
than the natural consequence of your life,the expected, uh, consequence or expected
(04:30):
result of the life that you've lived.
And we'll talk aboutthat next in normalizing.
So why would we do this?
You might say, I don't wantto think about this stuff.
I don't want to.
Feel it.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Justin, why the heck would I validate?
Well, how can you getunstuck if you don't?
If you don't acknowledge what's true,if you don't acknowledge how your stuck
state shows up, how do you get unstuck?
(04:52):
We have to be truthful.
We have to acknowledge what is happening.
What would the alternative be?
To continue to repress and minimizeand ignore or whatever's, you
know, whatever you're doing?
Maybe if there's some sortof behavioral adaptation.
Like overeating over exercising,overworking, or underworking or whatever.
(05:13):
Like that's the alternative is just tokeep your mind off it, to keep your, you
know, out of your body, to not feel it?
That, those skills or those copingskills, those behavioral adaptations,
have served a purpose and gottenyou this far and okay, but.
It may not be working anymoreor it may not be postponing
(05:34):
the issue like it used to.
So it just, it's timefor something different.
And that's why we validate.
Have these other thingsmade your life better?
I, I doubt it.
Again, they may have gotten you here,but that's different than living
a fulfilling life that's differentthan finding actual happiness.
That's, um, that's justkeeping your mind off stuff.
And that has a role.
But I think that may beplayed out at this point.
(05:55):
you validate throughacknowledging what is true.
Honesty is a huge part ofvalidation and you validate
through being honest with yourself.
Your feelings are there andand be honest about that.
You're not making this up.
It's not random.
You do have some level of stuck defense,like just we can start with those pieces.
(06:16):
That's honest.
And you validate through connecting withthe present moment and whatever it brings.
You connect with the present momentthrough grounding and safety, using
your senses and then, uh, lookinginward, and you would validate
by noticing what you have insideof you and being honest about it.
Naming it.
The good news is you've alreadyvalidated, you're here, you're
(06:37):
listening to this podcast episode,so you've already validated yourself.
Something is uncomfortable enoughfor you to be honest and then to
do something about it as well.
So you didn't just validate, you actuallyare doing something about it as well.
Congratulations.
So let's shift into a a light practice.
I'm gonna ask you toreflect on these questions.
(06:58):
First, uh, number one, could youvalidate somebody else's emotions?
Could you acknowledge and name them?
Their emotions?
And I, I bet you could.
So number two, could a therapist orother helper validate your emotions?
Could they acknowledge andname what you're going through?
And I would hope they could.
(07:19):
And number three, canyou validate yourself?
This might be diff more difficult and youranswer might be, "I don't know how to, but
I want to," and we'll take care of that.
On the next slide, your answer mightbe, "no, I can't. I don't want to,
and I won't." And at which point, Ihope that you've enjoyed this episode
and I hope I see you the next one.
(07:39):
'cause everything beyond thismay not be helpful for you.
Before we try validating, howdo you feel about validating?
What, what comes up inside of you?
What emotions come up?
What thoughts pop into your brain?
How do you feel about validatingyour true experiences that maybe you
have been minimizing or repressing?
(08:01):
And if you can name that, if youcan say, "I feel anxiety about it,
I feel fear, I feel overwhelmed."
Congratulations, youhave validated yourself.
So let's try validating.
One experience of your stuck defensivestate or just whatever you're currently
experiencing right now, that's fine too.
But let's say you're in a stuck fightstate and you feel anger all the time.
(08:23):
Well, you would validate it bysaying, "I feel anger." "I do
feel anger." That's one way.
So just fill in the blank.
I do feel blank.
If you have a stuck shutdown state,you could probably validate experiences
like hopeless or unmotivated.
So fill in the blank again.
I do feel blank.
I, I don't like it, but I feel blank.
(08:48):
I hate to admit it,but yeah, I feel blank.
And yeah, fine.
Justin, I guess I do feel blank.
So how did that feel to validateyourself to, to name, to acknowledge
and name one emotion or onething that you're going through?
(09:11):
How did that feel?
And you might say it was uncomfortable,it was anxiety producing, or
maybe another emotion surfaced.
And if you can name how itfeels to validate yourself,
congratulations, you havevalidated yourself yet again.
You are on a roll here.
The next thing we're gonnago to is normalizing.
(09:32):
So what is it?
Why would we do it?
And then we'll do a practice,just like we did with validation.
Normalization is not being okay withor liking your valid experience.
I'm not asking you to do that.
It is not, uh, accepting that yourexperience is permanent either.
I'm not asking you to do that.
You don't have to like it,you don't have to accept it.
But what we wanna do is validateit and then normalize it.
(09:55):
Normalization is alsonot judging yourself.
It's not using those cognitive skillsI talked about, and it's not labeling
or diagnosing your valid experience.
So what is it?
Normalization means making sense ofyour valid experience based on context.
And that context would be, uh,past and present context 'cause
(10:18):
the future's not here yet.
I'm gonna ask you a weirdquestion and just whatever pops
in your mind, just roll with it.
Is the number five normal?
That's the question.
Is the number five normal?
Does the number five make sense?
(10:40):
If you're confused, that's fine.
If you have an answer, that's fine too.
I, I would love to readwhat your answers are.
If you're on YouTube,put 'em in the comments.
I would love to read what yourinitial answers are to this.
Well, let, let's, let's build on it.
I'm not gonna leave you hanging.
Let's build on this.
Is five a normal result of two plus three?
(11:05):
I would hope you say yes.
Does five make sense withinthe context of four plus one?
I would, again, hope you would say yes.
So let's follow this logic.
Is your stuck state normal or expectedas a result of your life context?
(11:29):
Does your stuck state makesense within the context of your
relationships, your attachment, yourprofessional life, and on and on?
When you take these different piecesof context, text into mind, born to
account, does your stuck state makesense based on present and past context?
(11:56):
I believe that yourstuck state makes sense.
I, all my client work therapy and, andcoaching and my couples therapy, my,
my, uh, group stuff, my psychoeducationstuff, the community I'm running,
it seems to always make sense.
It doesn't seem to be random to me.
So I believe that your emotionaland cognitive experiences
(12:17):
are there for a reason.
They're not random.
They are the response to some sortof danger in your environment.
And that could be passed.
It could be present, it could bemaybe not literal, like you're being
attacked, but the way you were raised,the lack of attachment, lack of healthy
attachment, the lack of love, the lackof healthy communication, or maybe
(12:39):
the outright danger in your home.
You intercepted danger andmaybe you got stuck there.
That's.
An expected outcome of certaintypes of homes or relationships
or lifestyles, it makes sense.
Why would somebody would be stuckin defense based on that context?
(13:01):
And if somebody else had your life,if they had your context, they would
likely have a similar stuck state.
Normalizing is different than evaluating.
Evaluating is rating it.
It's saying good or bad, but normalizingis recognizing that a stuck state
shut down, flight, fight, freeze.
(13:22):
It's biological, it's not good or bad.
It's not positive or negative.
It, it, it just is.
It's biological.
It, it's an autonomic shift basedon the context of your life and
maybe something you needed to existin in order to get your needs met.
And you are, at least in part biological,I don't know what, what you believe as
(13:43):
far as spirituality and whatnot, butwe're at least in part biological, right?
So that biological shift from thepast comes to the present and is
probably reinforced in the present.
So there's no value to this.
It's not good or bad.
It's not a reflection of yourworth, and it's not a never
(14:03):
ending limit to your potential.
It probably limits your potential today,but in the future, we don't know that.
Normalizing sounds like I amtemporarily stuck in shutdown
due to the context of my life.
Evaluation.
Sounds like I'm in shutdownbecause something's wrong with me.
Other people don't feel this way.
Even though their lives are worsethan mine, I will never get better.
(14:28):
There's a clear difference in the waythat those two things sound, right.
Normalizing sounds likemy feelings are normal.
My feelings make sense.
My feelings make sense.
In this context, myfeelings are not random.
Other people would probably feel similar,and I see other people's feelings
and they make sense in their context.
(14:50):
Mine are probably the same.
So let's do another, uh, exercise here andI want you to reflect on these questions.
Could you normalizesomeone else's emotions?
Could you make sense of them?
You know, a friend of yours wassaying how sad they feel and how
much grief they're going through.
(15:11):
You'd probably say, yeah, youjust lost someone close to you.
That makes sense.
Could a therapist or other helpernormalize your emotions, your
experiences, and I would really hope so.
So can you normalize yourself?
And you might say, I wantto, but I don't know how.
And okay, we'll take careof that in the next step.
So how do you feel aboutnormalizing your, your experiences
(15:32):
by the way, before we get there?
How do you feel about that?
What emotions, what thoughts,uh, come up for you?
What pops into your brain or your body aswe consider normalizing our experiences?
So let's briefly normalize oneexperience of your stuck state or
(15:55):
whatever you're currently experiencing.
And if you need to use your sense oftouch, I think it's really helpful
to squeeze, to pull, to push,you know, maybe into your palms.
Just use release if you havesomething coming up within
you that's a bit too much.
Use some sort of, uh,physical means to release it.
And I, I think those are pretty good ways.
Uh, but if you just need to get, movearound, go ahead and do that too.
(16:19):
The step one here is to validate.
I do feel, what, what do you feel?
It can be the same thing asbefore or something brand new.
So let's say that you feel, uh, hopeless.
Lightly ever so lightly reflecton past context, which could
contribute to your stuckness.
So if you feel hopeless, you might say,well, in my past I've been let down a lot,
(16:41):
or I've never lived up to what I wantedmyself, or people didn't believe me in
me, or I was constantly rejected as a kid.
So just keep it pretty darn light.
Just one sentence, just like that.
Okay.
Same thing in your current context,lightly reflect on current context that
(17:02):
could contribute to your stuckness.
That could be behavioral adaptationsor cognitive adaptations.
That would be things you do to feelbetter, that don't really help.
So you might say, yeah, I tend to overeat,or I isolate myself a lot in darkness.
Or maybe there's a relationshipthat you're in, a friendship, uh, a
professional relationship that is just.
(17:24):
Really keeping you stuck.
Someone is, you know, invalidatingyour experiences or putting lots
of pressure on you to change.
Those could be things that, andreinforce your stuckness, but
again, keep it really, really light.
And step three here is to normalize it.
Does it make sense why you're stuck?
(17:45):
When you take in those contexts, when youtake them into account, does it make sense
why you're stuck and why you stay stuck?
Does it make sense why you thinkand feel the way that you do?
So if I felt hopeless and I wasraised in a home where I didn't really
(18:06):
have healthy attachments with mycaregivers and didn't really receive
positive encouragement, and now I'min a relationship where this person's
pressuring me to be someone I'm not.
Would it make sense why I feel hopeless?
Yeah, of course it does.
We will take it a step further here.
We're gonna create a short normalizingstatement for your experience.
(18:28):
Just fill in the blank.
I feel blank, which makes sense.
Based on the context of mylife, I think blank, which makes
sense based on my life context.
I always feel blank, and Ithink anyone else would too.
(18:49):
And in the context of my life, myfeelings of blank make complete sense.
Polyvagal, ladder climbing is difficult.
Self-regulation is difficult.
It's not easy.
Change is not easy.
Not just for you.
It's not a you issue.
It's everybody.
All of us.
All of us.
By the way, it might be new, sochange is difficult for anybody but
(19:10):
this inward, mindfulness, polyvagal,self-regulation stuff, it might be brand
new to you and you've been, howeveryou've been for years, decades maybe.
And here you are trying to change it.
So let's normalize.
Like that's not easy.
change might not come easily, andthat is very normal and very okay.
And if when you do change, itprobably won't be all at once.
(19:30):
It's gonna be in slow, smallsteps, your stuckness is normal,
but so are moments of connection.
Even though you might be stuckin a defensive state, you do have
it within you to have at leastsmall moments of connection.
Here you are looking inward,listening, learning, and trying to
get more in touch with yourself.
So moments of connection are possible.
(19:51):
You're doing it right now,so even though you're stuck,
you, there is some hope here.
There is, there arepotentials for connection.
Y not just with yourself,but the outside world.
Using your senses, maybe withothers in including your pets.
You're here.
You didn't have to be here, right?
You made a choice to be here.
You've made many choicesalong this pathway.
(20:12):
Maybe you've been to therapy or retreatsor tried medications or this or that.
The other thing, so you, you probablymade a bunch of choices and here you are.
This is another one of your choices.
You're already on the path.
You're already on that path ofchange and you are moving forward.
I know you want more,but, but here you are.
All you're doing is taking thatnext step and hopefully learning
(20:33):
to validate and normalize is anice, solid next step for you.
So you are less stuck now than youwere in the past and in the near
future you're gonna be even less stuck.
Congratulations.
Keep going down the path.
You're not done yet.
No, I don't thinkanyone's ever quite done.
Hopefully, we're always walking downthe path of self-development, right?
(20:56):
And unstuck.
So you haven't gotten to where exactlywhere you want to be yet, but you're
firmly on the path, and I hope this skillhelps you keep walking down that path.
Thanks so much for joiningme on Stuck Not Broken.
I hope this episode has helped you tovalidate and to normalize your stuck
states and how it shows up for youin your daily life, and maybe even
(21:16):
right now in this present moment.
You can use this little validation andnormalization practice at any time.
Just come back to thisepisode and relisten to it.
There's always somethingto validate or normalize.
Like right now, you're havingsome sort of experience that you
could validate and normalize.
And as you practice this,especially with your stuck defensive
(21:37):
state, you may notice that otherexperiences come into your system.
Like as you validate and normalize oneexperience, something else pops up.
So it never really stops.
Validation and normalization justkind of keep going indefinitely
in the present moment.
So that's your homework from this episode.
Keep practicing validationand normalization.
(21:58):
Listen back to this, not just whenyou need it, but before you need it.
Practice the skill before youclimb further down your polyvagal
ladder and into more dysregulation.
Practice it when you have a positiveemotion, like calm, just as much as you
have, um, a negative one, like anxiety.
These aren't really positive ornegative, but we can, we tend
(22:21):
to group 'em in that manner.
If you like this lesson, you'regoing to love what I have
within the Unstucking Academy.
I have courses, a private community,more skills practices, Q&As, lots of
stuff to ensure that you're learningclearly and that you know what your
next step is, and that you're not alone.
(22:41):
And if you're brand new to thePolyvagal Theory, I created the
Foundations Membership just foryou for only 10 bucks per month.
Learn more atjustinLMFT.com/unstuckingacademy,
justinLMFT.com/unstuckingacademy.
The link is in the description.
(23:02):
Thanks again for joining me.
Bye.
You know the poly vehicle theory.
Now what?
How do you apply this knowledgeto your specific everyday life?
What do you do with it?
I'm sharing five tips toanswer that one question.
This episode is the thirdin the five part series.
This tip focuses on bringing asmidgen of compassion to your stuck
(00:20):
defensive polyvagal state through twoskills, validating and normalizing.
Don't let this scare you, I promise I'llmake it easy and I'll walk you through it.
Hey, my name's Justin Sunseri I'ma therapist and coach who helps you
live more calmly, confidently, andconnected without psychobabble or
woowoo, welcome to Stuck Not Broken.
(00:41):
This podcast is not therapy, noris it intended to replace therapy.
Ideally, we have lots of accessto the ventral vagal safety state.
Realistically we don't.
This is true for all of us, but moreso for you if you've lived through a
traumatic incident or had a life fullof traumatic incidents- plus what,
(01:04):
whatever social and family layersthat are just stacked on top of those.
To put it simply, you couldprobably use a bit of compassion.
Some understanding, some empathy,validation, and to just feel normal.
The problem is that neitheryou nor I can make that happen.
(01:25):
We don't control other people,but I can teach you to provide
that for yourself in a few steps.
Our goal in this episode is to validate.
And to normalize your experience.
To teach you this, I'm actually goingto use the slides and lessons that
I use within the Unstucking Academy.
So if you're on YouTube,you'll be able to see those.
(01:47):
I use these lessons within thecourses and the live practices.
So this is kind of a inside peek intohow things work in the community,
along with the third Polyvagaltheory tip for everyday life.
All right, so let's doa skills practice here.
The first part of it is validating.
We're gonna cover what it is, why wewould do it, why we'd validate, and
(02:09):
then do a really light, easy practice.
Validating means that we areacknowledging what is true and
we are more concerned with theinternal world than anything else.
So typically we're gonna validate oracknowledge what is true in our emotions
and in our cognitions, our our thoughts.
that's typically gonna be moreaccessible than things like our
underlying impulses and sensationsthat come from a polyvagal state.
(02:33):
So emotions and thoughts are typicallygonna be what we could validate.
It sounds like.
I feel sad.
I'm angry.
I feel nothing or I feel hopeful.
So we can validate things that feel goodand thing things that don't feel good.
validation is not being okay withor liking what you acknowledge.
I'm not asking you to be okay with it.
(02:55):
And it's also not accepting it either.
You don't have to acceptthat it's permanent.
You don't have to like it, andyou don't have to accept it.
We just have to recognize what is true.
Invalidation is judgingyourself, saying things like,
there's something wrong with me.
Other people aren't like this.
That would be invalidating.
Invalidation also uses whatI call cognitive skills.
These are things that we do to lessen thetrue nature of what we're going through.
(03:20):
That reduce the overwhelmingnature of those things.
So that would be likeminimizing, denying repressing.
That would be invalidating it.
It could sound like it's not a big deal.
I just need to keep my mind off of it.
Invalidation is also notlabeling or diagnosing your
(03:41):
experience, your true experience.
So saying, I feel distractedbecause of my AD/HD would be.
Invalidating to the trueexperience of distraction.
It's enough to say, I feel distracted,or I am distracted, or I feel
overwhelmed rather than I feeloverwhelmed because of X, Y, or Z.
(04:02):
And I think we tend to overdiagnose, um, in the therapeutic
world, but also ourselves.
I am positive that you may have triedto find a label for what you're feeling.
And that you think of what you feel as asymptom of some sort of disorder rather
than the natural consequence of your life,the expected, uh, consequence or expected
(04:30):
result of the life that you've lived.
And we'll talk aboutthat next in normalizing.
So why would we do this?
You might say, I don't wantto think about this stuff.
I don't want to.
Feel it.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Justin, why the heck would I validate?
Well, how can you getunstuck if you don't?
If you don't acknowledge what's true,if you don't acknowledge how your stuck
state shows up, how do you get unstuck?
(04:52):
We have to be truthful.
We have to acknowledge what is happening.
What would the alternative be?
To continue to repress and minimizeand ignore or whatever's, you
know, whatever you're doing?
Maybe if there's some sortof behavioral adaptation.
Like overeating over exercising,overworking, or underworking or whatever.
(05:13):
Like that's the alternative is just tokeep your mind off it, to keep your, you
know, out of your body, to not feel it?
That, those skills or those copingskills, those behavioral adaptations,
have served a purpose and gottenyou this far and okay, but.
It may not be working anymoreor it may not be postponing
(05:34):
the issue like it used to.
So it just, it's timefor something different.
And that's why we validate.
Have these other thingsmade your life better?
I, I doubt it.
Again, they may have gotten you here,but that's different than living
a fulfilling life that's differentthan finding actual happiness.
That's, um, that's justkeeping your mind off stuff.
And that has a role.
But I think that may beplayed out at this point.
(05:55):
you validate throughacknowledging what is true.
Honesty is a huge part ofvalidation and you validate
through being honest with yourself.
Your feelings are there andand be honest about that.
You're not making this up.
It's not random.
You do have some level of stuck defense,like just we can start with those pieces.
(06:16):
That's honest.
And you validate through connecting withthe present moment and whatever it brings.
You connect with the present momentthrough grounding and safety, using
your senses and then, uh, lookinginward, and you would validate
by noticing what you have insideof you and being honest about it.
Naming it.
The good news is you've alreadyvalidated, you're here, you're
(06:37):
listening to this podcast episode,so you've already validated yourself.
Something is uncomfortable enoughfor you to be honest and then to
do something about it as well.
So you didn't just validate, you actuallyare doing something about it as well.
Congratulations.
So let's shift into a a light practice.
I'm gonna ask you toreflect on these questions.
(06:58):
First, uh, number one, could youvalidate somebody else's emotions?
Could you acknowledge and name them?
Their emotions?
And I, I bet you could.
So number two, could a therapist orother helper validate your emotions?
Could they acknowledge andname what you're going through?
And I would hope they could.
(07:19):
And number three, canyou validate yourself?
This might be diff more difficult and youranswer might be, "I don't know how to, but
I want to," and we'll take care of that.
On the next slide, your answer mightbe, "no, I can't. I don't want to,
and I won't." And at which point, Ihope that you've enjoyed this episode
and I hope I see you the next one.
(07:39):
'cause everything beyond thismay not be helpful for you.
Before we try validating, howdo you feel about validating?
What, what comes up inside of you?
What emotions come up?
What thoughts pop into your brain?
How do you feel about validatingyour true experiences that maybe you
have been minimizing or repressing?
(08:01):
And if you can name that, if youcan say, "I feel anxiety about it,
I feel fear, I feel overwhelmed."
Congratulations, youhave validated yourself.
So let's try validating.
One experience of your stuck defensivestate or just whatever you're currently
experiencing right now, that's fine too.
But let's say you're in a stuck fightstate and you feel anger all the time.
(08:23):
Well, you would validate it bysaying, "I feel anger." "I do
feel anger." That's one way.
So just fill in the blank.
I do feel blank.
If you have a stuck shutdown state,you could probably validate experiences
like hopeless or unmotivated.
So fill in the blank again.
I do feel blank.
I, I don't like it, but I feel blank.
(08:48):
I hate to admit it,but yeah, I feel blank.
And yeah, fine.
Justin, I guess I do feel blank.
So how did that feel to validateyourself to, to name, to acknowledge
and name one emotion or onething that you're going through?
(09:11):
How did that feel?
And you might say it was uncomfortable,it was anxiety producing, or
maybe another emotion surfaced.
And if you can name how itfeels to validate yourself,
congratulations, you havevalidated yourself yet again.
You are on a roll here.
The next thing we're gonnago to is normalizing.
(09:32):
So what is it?
Why would we do it?
And then we'll do a practice,just like we did with validation.
Normalization is not being okay withor liking your valid experience.
I'm not asking you to do that.
It is not, uh, accepting that yourexperience is permanent either.
I'm not asking you to do that.
You don't have to like it,you don't have to accept it.
But what we wanna do is validateit and then normalize it.
(09:55):
Normalization is alsonot judging yourself.
It's not using those cognitive skillsI talked about, and it's not labeling
or diagnosing your valid experience.
So what is it?
Normalization means making sense ofyour valid experience based on context.
And that context would be, uh,past and present context 'cause
(10:18):
the future's not here yet.
I'm gonna ask you a weirdquestion and just whatever pops
in your mind, just roll with it.
Is the number five normal?
That's the question.
Is the number five normal?
Does the number five make sense?
(10:40):
If you're confused, that's fine.
If you have an answer, that's fine too.
I, I would love to readwhat your answers are.
If you're on YouTube,put 'em in the comments.
I would love to read what yourinitial answers are to this.
Well, let, let's, let's build on it.
I'm not gonna leave you hanging.
Let's build on this.
Is five a normal result of two plus three?
(11:05):
I would hope you say yes.
Does five make sense withinthe context of four plus one?
I would, again, hope you would say yes.
So let's follow this logic.
Is your stuck state normal or expectedas a result of your life context?
(11:29):
Does your stuck state makesense within the context of your
relationships, your attachment, yourprofessional life, and on and on?
When you take these different piecesof context, text into mind, born to
account, does your stuck state makesense based on present and past context?
(11:56):
I believe that yourstuck state makes sense.
I, all my client work therapy and, andcoaching and my couples therapy, my,
my, uh, group stuff, my psychoeducationstuff, the community I'm running,
it seems to always make sense.
It doesn't seem to be random to me.
So I believe that your emotionaland cognitive experiences
(12:17):
are there for a reason.
They're not random.
They are the response to some sortof danger in your environment.
And that could be passed.
It could be present, it could bemaybe not literal, like you're being
attacked, but the way you were raised,the lack of attachment, lack of healthy
attachment, the lack of love, the lackof healthy communication, or maybe
(12:39):
the outright danger in your home.
You intercepted danger andmaybe you got stuck there.
That's.
An expected outcome of certaintypes of homes or relationships
or lifestyles, it makes sense.
Why would somebody would be stuckin defense based on that context?
(13:01):
And if somebody else had your life,if they had your context, they would
likely have a similar stuck state.
Normalizing is different than evaluating.
Evaluating is rating it.
It's saying good or bad, but normalizingis recognizing that a stuck state
shut down, flight, fight, freeze.
(13:22):
It's biological, it's not good or bad.
It's not positive or negative.
It, it, it just is.
It's biological.
It, it's an autonomic shift basedon the context of your life and
maybe something you needed to existin in order to get your needs met.
And you are, at least in part biological,I don't know what, what you believe as
(13:43):
far as spirituality and whatnot, butwe're at least in part biological, right?
So that biological shift from thepast comes to the present and is
probably reinforced in the present.
So there's no value to this.
It's not good or bad.
It's not a reflection of yourworth, and it's not a never
(14:03):
ending limit to your potential.
It probably limits your potential today,but in the future, we don't know that.
Normalizing sounds like I amtemporarily stuck in shutdown
due to the context of my life.
Evaluation.
Sounds like I'm in shutdownbecause something's wrong with me.
Other people don't feel this way.
Even though their lives are worsethan mine, I will never get better.
(14:28):
There's a clear difference in the waythat those two things sound, right.
Normalizing sounds likemy feelings are normal.
My feelings make sense.
My feelings make sense.
In this context, myfeelings are not random.
Other people would probably feel similar,and I see other people's feelings
and they make sense in their context.
(14:50):
Mine are probably the same.
So let's do another, uh, exercise here andI want you to reflect on these questions.
Could you normalizesomeone else's emotions?
Could you make sense of them?
You know, a friend of yours wassaying how sad they feel and how
much grief they're going through.
(15:11):
You'd probably say, yeah, youjust lost someone close to you.
That makes sense.
Could a therapist or other helpernormalize your emotions, your
experiences, and I would really hope so.
So can you normalize yourself?
And you might say, I wantto, but I don't know how.
And okay, we'll take careof that in the next step.
So how do you feel aboutnormalizing your, your experiences
(15:32):
by the way, before we get there?
How do you feel about that?
What emotions, what thoughts,uh, come up for you?
What pops into your brain or your body aswe consider normalizing our experiences?
So let's briefly normalize oneexperience of your stuck state or
(15:55):
whatever you're currently experiencing.
And if you need to use your sense oftouch, I think it's really helpful
to squeeze, to pull, to push,you know, maybe into your palms.
Just use release if you havesomething coming up within
you that's a bit too much.
Use some sort of, uh,physical means to release it.
And I, I think those are pretty good ways.
Uh, but if you just need to get, movearound, go ahead and do that too.
(16:19):
The step one here is to validate.
I do feel, what, what do you feel?
It can be the same thing asbefore or something brand new.
So let's say that you feel, uh, hopeless.
Lightly ever so lightly reflecton past context, which could
contribute to your stuckness.
So if you feel hopeless, you might say,well, in my past I've been let down a lot,
(16:41):
or I've never lived up to what I wantedmyself, or people didn't believe me in
me, or I was constantly rejected as a kid.
So just keep it pretty darn light.
Just one sentence, just like that.
Okay.
Same thing in your current context,lightly reflect on current context that
(17:02):
could contribute to your stuckness.
That could be behavioral adaptationsor cognitive adaptations.
That would be things you do to feelbetter, that don't really help.
So you might say, yeah, I tend to overeat,or I isolate myself a lot in darkness.
Or maybe there's a relationshipthat you're in, a friendship, uh, a
professional relationship that is just.
(17:24):
Really keeping you stuck.
Someone is, you know, invalidatingyour experiences or putting lots
of pressure on you to change.
Those could be things that, andreinforce your stuckness, but
again, keep it really, really light.
And step three here is to normalize it.
Does it make sense why you're stuck?
(17:45):
When you take in those contexts, when youtake them into account, does it make sense
why you're stuck and why you stay stuck?
Does it make sense why you thinkand feel the way that you do?
So if I felt hopeless and I wasraised in a home where I didn't really
(18:06):
have healthy attachments with mycaregivers and didn't really receive
positive encouragement, and now I'min a relationship where this person's
pressuring me to be someone I'm not.
Would it make sense why I feel hopeless?
Yeah, of course it does.
We will take it a step further here.
We're gonna create a short normalizingstatement for your experience.
(18:28):
Just fill in the blank.
I feel blank, which makes sense.
Based on the context of mylife, I think blank, which makes
sense based on my life context.
I always feel blank, and Ithink anyone else would too.
(18:49):
And in the context of my life, myfeelings of blank make complete sense.
Polyvagal, ladder climbing is difficult.
Self-regulation is difficult.
It's not easy.
Change is not easy.
Not just for you.
It's not a you issue.
It's everybody.
All of us.
All of us.
By the way, it might be new, sochange is difficult for anybody but
(19:10):
this inward, mindfulness, polyvagal,self-regulation stuff, it might be brand
new to you and you've been, howeveryou've been for years, decades maybe.
And here you are trying to change it.
So let's normalize.
Like that's not easy.
change might not come easily, andthat is very normal and very okay.
And if when you do change, itprobably won't be all at once.
(19:30):
It's gonna be in slow, smallsteps, your stuckness is normal,
but so are moments of connection.
Even though you might be stuckin a defensive state, you do have
it within you to have at leastsmall moments of connection.
Here you are looking inward,listening, learning, and trying to
get more in touch with yourself.
So moments of connection are possible.
(19:51):
You're doing it right now,so even though you're stuck,
you, there is some hope here.
There is, there arepotentials for connection.
Y not just with yourself,but the outside world.
Using your senses, maybe withothers in including your pets.
You're here.
You didn't have to be here, right?
You made a choice to be here.
You've made many choicesalong this pathway.
(20:12):
Maybe you've been to therapy or retreatsor tried medications or this or that.
The other thing, so you, you probablymade a bunch of choices and here you are.
This is another one of your choices.
You're already on the path.
You're already on that path ofchange and you are moving forward.
I know you want more,but, but here you are.
All you're doing is taking thatnext step and hopefully learning
(20:33):
to validate and normalize is anice, solid next step for you.
So you are less stuck now than youwere in the past and in the near
future you're gonna be even less stuck.
Congratulations.
Keep going down the path.
You're not done yet.
No, I don't thinkanyone's ever quite done.
Hopefully, we're always walking downthe path of self-development, right?
(20:56):
And unstuck.
So you haven't gotten to where exactlywhere you want to be yet, but you're
firmly on the path, and I hope this skillhelps you keep walking down that path.
Thanks so much for joiningme on Stuck Not Broken.
I hope this episode has helped you tovalidate and to normalize your stuck
states and how it shows up for youin your daily life, and maybe even
(21:16):
right now in this present moment.
You can use this little validation andnormalization practice at any time.
Just come back to thisepisode and relisten to it.
There's always somethingto validate or normalize.
Like right now, you're havingsome sort of experience that you
could validate and normalize.
And as you practice this,especially with your stuck defensive
(21:37):
state, you may notice that otherexperiences come into your system.
Like as you validate and normalize oneexperience, something else pops up.
So it never really stops.
Validation and normalization justkind of keep going indefinitely
in the present moment.
So that's your homework from this episode.
Keep practicing validationand normalization.
(21:58):
Listen back to this, not just whenyou need it, but before you need it.
Practice the skill before youclimb further down your polyvagal
ladder and into more dysregulation.
Practice it when you have a positiveemotion, like calm, just as much as you
have, um, a negative one, like anxiety.
These aren't really positive ornegative, but we can, we tend
(22:21):
to group 'em in that manner.
If you like this lesson, you'regoing to love what I have
within the Unstucking Academy.
I have courses, a private community,more skills practices, Q&As, lots of
stuff to ensure that you're learningclearly and that you know what your
next step is, and that you're not alone.
(22:41):
And if you're brand new to thePolyvagal Theory, I created the
Foundations Membership just foryou for only 10 bucks per month.
Learn more atjustinLMFT.com/unstuckingacademy,
justinLMFT.com/unstuckingacademy.
The link is in the description.
(23:02):
Thanks again for joining me.
Bye.
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