July 25, 2025 • 28 mins
Have you ever found yourself staring into a mirror that refuses to lie to you? That's exactly what the Fourth Step of recovery feels like. When I first heard those words—"made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"—I knew it would be difficult. What I didn't anticipate was how completely it would transform my understanding of myself and my relationships.
The Fourth Step shattered my victim mentality. After a devastating breakup, I finally faced the painful truth that had been hiding in plain sight: I was textbook codependent. Rather than honest communication, I'd built relationships around people-pleasing, manipulation, and control. I thought I was doing things for others, but I was really seeking approval and making other people my Higher Power. The realization cut deep—not only had I lost a relationship, but I'd lost my center, drifted from my program, and abandoned the principles that had saved my life.
This powerful inventory process revealed how I'd been the same person in every relationship, wondering why they all ended the same way. I'd accumulated silent resentments by not speaking up about my needs or setting boundaries. I'd blamed others when I was really responsible for my own happiness and wellbeing. The Fourth Step isn't just about listing your flaws—it's about taking ownership of your story and stopping the cycle of blame that keeps you stuck. It's a reset button, a tool for ongoing growth that becomes more valuable each time you return to it with greater honesty.
Whether you're in recovery or simply seeking personal growth, this episode offers insights into how unspoken boundaries create resentments, how fear of disapproval prevents authentic communication, and how taking responsibility transforms relationships from the inside out. Recovery isn't just about sobriety—it's about becoming the person you were always meant to be. I wouldn't trade the painful lessons of the Fourth Step for anything, because they've allowed me to finally live an authentic life. If you're struggling with relationships or feeling stuck in old patterns, this might be exactly what you need to hear today. Subscribe and share this episode with someone who needs these insights as much as I once did.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Corey Berrier (00:00):
Welcome to the Successful Life Podcast.
I'm your host, Corey Berrier,and this show is about
transformation inside and out.
And today I'm going to sharewith you one of the most
powerful parts of my recoverythe fourth step, the mirror and
the painful truths that changedeverything.
(00:20):
You know, when I first heardabout the fourth step, which is
titled, made a searching andfearless moral inventory of
ourselves I knew it was going tobe hard, but what I didn't know
is just how much it was goingto demand of me, or from me, I
(00:44):
should say and here's thehardest part from being truthful
with you and I am obviously isthe fourth step is like a.
It's like a mirror.
It doesn't lie, there's nosugarcoating Hell.
(01:05):
It doesn't even let you blameeveryone else, which was the
hardest thing for me, because Iwanted to blame everybody else.
And this part of the step, thisstep specifically, it really is
where the rubber hits the road,as they say.
This is where it becomes real,and I've done a few fourth steps
(01:30):
over the years, but the one Idid about two years ago was very
different from the one that Idid when I first came into the
rooms, and so I hadn't done afourth step at this point, I
hadn't done a fourth step in Iguess over a decade and I was
angry.
(01:53):
I was angry at my ex-wife, andso I put everything down.
I wrote everything down in thecolumns.
There's four different columns,and the first column is who
you're resentful towards.
I wrote every single thing down, every moment that I felt
betrayed, every story that I'dbeen telling myself and I was,
(02:18):
needless to say, I wasemotionally charged, charged,
and at first it felt like arelease because I got to look
deeper and I had to admitsomething painful I had allowed
(02:38):
those things to take place.
We were in a toxic, codependentrelationship.
We enabled each other tomanipulate, control and it kept
us stuck, and I'm not going toshare about her, necessarily,
(02:59):
but I wasn't the victim.
I can tell you that, and Ithought for sure I was the
victim.
I played the victim.
I can tell you that, and Ithought for sure I was the
victim.
I played the victim card.
But the truth is I was awilling participant in that
situation.
I allowed those things to happenand you know, one of the things
(03:21):
that I found very beneficial todo in this fourth step, in this
columns while I was angry,while I was resentful and while
I was upset and truthfully Idespised the situation, I
(03:55):
despised my ex-wife, which was ahard pill to swallow because I
had lied to myself for so manyyears saying this was a good
situation.
And here's the crazy part.
You know, I'll lie to myselfquicker than I'll lie to you.
I'll tell you things are okaywhen they're not and it's just a
default and that's my ego, like, if things are not going well,
(04:15):
I should be okay saying they'renot going well.
But I wasn't able to do thatand I'll get to later on in the
show why those things happenedthe way they did.
But it was simply my own stuff.
It was the things I allowed inmy life and the things that I
(04:38):
allowed to become toxic were allmy fault.
They didn't have anything to dowith her, they had everything
to do with me, and I didn'tdiscover this until later on.
And so I went through thatfourth step, as painful as it
(04:59):
was, and I put down all thethings that I was upset about,
and a lot of them, if I'm beingtruthful with you, is things I
couldn't control.
But I wanted to control thingsthat I tried to control.
And look, my experience now hasbeen that I can't control
(05:19):
anything.
I can't control what myemployees do.
I can't control what myemployees do.
I can't control what my bossdoes.
I can't control what Maddiedoes.
I can't control what the guy inthe meeting is sharing about.
I can't control that someoneovercharges me for my credit
(05:40):
card.
I can't control any of that.
Now, I can be aware of thosethings and check myself and
figure out all right, what is mymode?
If somebody overcharges me onmy credit card, well, I can fix
that, but I can't control that.
They did it at the beginning.
I can't be upset because theydid it at the beginning.
(06:01):
They're human beings, just likeyou, just like me.
We're both just human beingsthat are just trying to live in
this world, and it was.
You know, the control thing is areally it was a really hard
thing for me to really hard pillfor me to swallow that I
(06:21):
couldn't control things andpeople and outcomes, and it
almost drove me insane and Ijust didn't realize it.
I didn't know that I was socontrolling and so manipulative
really.
And so the last fourth step Idid, and as you stay in recovery
(06:48):
, you're going to have to domultiple fourth steps and
they're not the end of the world, because if you get everything
down on paper that first goround, then you really should be
doing kind of a spot check.
Fourth step, if you will, youknow, throughout your sobriety.
But it is important to checkyourself and realize am I
(07:09):
showing up like the same guythat I used to show up as?
And I remember, you know, Iwasn't drinking when I was with
my ex-wife, but I was still Idried drunk and so I still had
the same control issues.
I had the same control issues.
I had the same manipulationissues.
I was the same guy, I justwasn't pouring alcohol in me.
(07:33):
And that's a rough spot to bein.
It's a really rough, especiallywithout having a program at the
time.
It's the last.
Fourth step that I did was afterMaddie and I broke up in
February.
I was devastated.
I couldn't see straight I mean,I was so devastated is probably
(08:02):
an understatement and I thoughtshe was completely in the wrong
.
I thought I had done everythingright.
Here comes that egotisticalperson again right, and I did a
lot of things that weren't right, even though my intentions, I
(08:27):
thought, were pure.
There was a lot of underlyingissues from my childhood that
were rearing their ugly head andI didn't even know.
I had really no idea, even know, like I had really no idea.
(08:52):
You know, one of the things I'llgive you an example is I would
do things for her.
Like I would go to the storeand think about the shampoo was
out and I would just buy theshampoo and think, oh, she'll
really appreciate that.
But there are certain thingsthat some people appreciate and
some people don't, and likethat's at the bottom of her list
(09:14):
of things to care about, eventhough I thought I was doing
this thing.
But really what I was doing wasI was solving an issue inside
of me which was I'm going to buythis thing for her and she's
going to love me.
It just doesn't work that way.
Or I'm going to mow her yardand she's going to love me, or
(09:35):
I'm going to do this and she'sgoing to love me.
I'm going to keep doing thesethings and she'll keep loving me
.
And that is a terrible recipebecause it doesn't work.
So really that's a form for me.
Anyhow, that was a form ofmanipulation.
I was manipulating thesituation to maintain this
(09:59):
relationship and it didn't workLike it didn't work, and
something that she said to meone day.
She only said it once, but shesaid you know, I think you're
codependent.
It hit me hard and it stirredup anger, confusion, stuff that
(10:25):
I couldn't even explain.
Deep down, though, I knew thatfeeling meant something, but of
course I pushed it to the sideand thought I can't believe.
She said that.
You know she's wrong.
She's probably the one that'scodependent.
You know, of course, I blamedit all on her.
(10:46):
So after we broke up, I starteddigging.
I read about 10 different books, literally on codependency, and
what I found shook me, becauseI was textbook codependent.
(11:07):
I built our relationship aroundlies that I was telling myself
I thought I was doing all thosethings for her.
The truth is I waspeople-pleasing.
I didn't speak up andultimately as humbling as it
(11:31):
feels to say this I made her myhigher power.
She was in the God seat and,you know, I let up on my prayer
life.
I let up on my meetings.
I let up on my prayer life.
I let up on my meetings.
I let up on my sponsees.
I slowly built my life aroundher and what I thought she
(11:56):
needed.
You know, of course, I didn'task her what she needed or
wanted.
I just assumed that I knew,because I knew everything.
That's you know the story of mylife, it seems like.
But that realization of beingcodependent cut deep.
Not only had I lost arelationship, but I'd lost my
(12:26):
center.
As I mentioned, I stopped goingto meetings and I wasn't as
present with my sponsees and Iwas drifting from the program.
And then I saw it clearly,crystal clear, crystal clear.
It wasn't about her, this wasabout me.
(12:49):
This was about me takingresponsibility for my life again
and so going through this.
They say that pain is the greatmotivator For me.
It is.
You know, they say that pain isthe great motivator For me.
(13:11):
It is, and I was in so muchpain through this breakup that I
(13:37):
had no other choice than to dothe work and look at myself and
figure out why this happened.
You know, as I look back in allmy personal relationships,
romantic relationships, it's thesame story that played out in
all those relationships I wasthe same guy acting the same way
and all the relationships ended.
And that's tough.
That's tough to have to look atmy part and admit I was the
(13:59):
reason those relationships ended.
I was the reason I couldn't dowell at a job, or that I would
lose a job or that I didn't getwhat I wanted from the job.
I didn't get the salary Iwanted because I was too afraid
to ask.
It was paralyzing to ask forwhat I wanted, because the fear
(14:27):
would be that I wouldn't getapproval.
I was seeking approval fromother people, whether it be my
boss, whether it be mygirlfriend, whether it be some
people in the rooms, whether itbe an employee.
I wanted people to like me.
I wanted people to think I wasa good person, and so I would
just not say anything If thingsdidn't go the way.
(14:50):
I wanted them to think I was agood person, and so I would just
not say anything.
If things didn't go the way Iwanted them to go, or if things
weren't meshing the right way, Iwould just not say anything.
Now think about this.
I'm sure this has happened toyou.
As an example example, let'ssay that you really enjoy the
(15:19):
house being clean.
I'll just use that as a simpleexample.
And so let's say you jump intoa relationship and the house is
not clean because your partneris not messy and I'm not
obviously I'm not referring toMaddie in this situation, it's
just an example here and so yousay to yourself well, you know
this is okay.
Like I can deal with this mess.
I can deal with, you know, themleaving their underwear on the
(15:43):
floor or them not putting thetoilet paper back or, as a man,
not putting the seat down Ifyou're a woman, I'm sure you've
experienced a man doing that Ican just deal with the seat
being up when I go to sit on thetoilet at 3 o'clock in the
morning in the dark, well, youshouldn't have to deal with that
(16:04):
.
You could just tell yourpartner, hey, like can you put
the seat back down?
I almost fell in the toilet,but instead you just say nothing
because you don't want to upsetthem, you don't want to rock
the boat, things are good.
And so those little things housenot being clean, the toilet
(16:25):
being down or the toilet beingup, rather the underwear on the
floor all those things start tobuild resentments.
And as those resentments, theymay seem real small, but when
you start stacking thoseresentments up, now you've got a
big resentment.
(16:45):
And now you resent that personthat you're living with because
of all the things that youdidn't speak up about.
I'm not suggesting that youneed to be a butthole about it.
That's probably not going toget you very far, but just
having a genuine conversationwith your partner if you're a
(17:08):
woman is an example.
Hey dude, do you mind justputting that toilet seat down?
I almost fell in the toilet at3 am and any good partner is
going to say you know, I don'twant you to have to go through
that, so I'm going to make sureI do a better job of it.
(17:28):
If you're like me, it may take acouple of times to remember and
it may take a couple ofconversations, but speaking up
is very important.
It's important to your ownmental health.
It was important to my mentalhealth and I didn't know that I
was harboring these resentments.
I had no idea.
(17:49):
And so after I did that fourthstep and realized all of these
things, I started over.
I plugged back into the rooms.
I started working the stepslike it was my first year again.
I got honest with myself.
I got honest with my sponsor.
I got honest with myself.
I got honest with my sponsor.
(18:10):
I got honest with God.
And that breakup didn't just enda relationship.
It started my recovery for realand I wouldn't trade that for
the world.
I wouldn't wish anyone to gothrough that amount of pain,
(18:31):
unless you get the result thatI've gotten, which is, you know,
now I'm able to have thoseconversations, I'm able to say,
hey, this thing bothers me, canwe change it?
And maybe it's something thatwe gotta come to an agreement on
, that we meet halfway, or maybeit's the toilet seat, maybe
(18:57):
it's something stupid, but we'veagreed her and I both have
agreed not to let these thingsaffect our relationship, and
it's changed everything, becausewe are honest with one another,
even though sometimes honestconversations are difficult.
(19:19):
The end result is I'm clearingmy side of the street, I'm
making sure that I'm speaking upabout the things that bother me
and I'm not harboringresentment, most importantly.
And so the fourth step isn't aone-time deal, it's not
(19:41):
something that you check off.
For me, it's a tool, a reset.
It's the truth.
This is where you stop blamingand you start owning your own
stuff.
That's what makes it sopowerful, that's what makes it
(20:05):
painful.
Two things can exist at thesame time.
But it's also what makes itwork, and I hope that, if you're
listening to this, that you'vetaken something away today.
Think about this in your ownlife, you know.
Think about the little thingsthat you've let build up, the
(20:28):
little things that havedeveloped into a resentment
towards your partner, or maybetowards somebody in the rooms,
or maybe towards a co-workerpartner, or maybe towards
somebody in the rooms, or maybetowards a co-worker.
You know, maybe I'll give you aco-worker example, and this is
not a real-time example now.
But let's say you've got an 8o'clock meeting planned, and
(20:49):
every single week it's once aweek, hypothetically and half
your staff's late every singleweek and half your staff's late
every single week.
And so instead of saying hey,the meeting starts at 8 o'clock,
if you're not here at 8 o'clock, you won't be able to join in
on the meeting, you just let itslide and you continue to let it
(21:11):
slide Every week.
It eats at you, it bothers you,it makes you upset at those
people that are late becausethey're being late.
They're doing it to you, right,so to speak.
They're not really doing it toyou.
You didn't speak up and say thecutoff time is 8 am.
If you're not here by 8 am,you're not going to join the
(21:33):
meeting.
And so these are boundaries thatyou are going to want to set
and it is a prevention frombuilding a resentment down in
the future, right, because thatthing is going to affect so the
guys that are late, as anexample, and they call you at 8
o'clock at night for a favor,you may not answer that phone
(21:54):
call because you think well,that SOB can't even make it to
the meeting on time, I'm notgoing to go out of my way to
answer that call.
And now the result of that ishe didn't complete the sale
because he needed your help.
You were too egotistical toanswer the phone and the sale
(22:15):
didn't go through.
And now the company suffersbecause you didn't speak up
about being on time for themeeting.
Do you see how these I meanit's like a snowball effect.
It starts with not speaking upabout the meeting, then it goes
to resenting the people that arelate because you aren't
speaking up, and then it goes toI'm going to get in my ego and
(22:39):
my pride and I'm not going toanswer the phone because he's
late and he's doing this to meand all that's not true.
You did it to yourself becauseyou didn't speak up and say the
meeting starts at 8 am.
You need to be in your seat by8 am.
If you don't set thoseparameters, those boundaries,
(23:00):
they're going to be late everytime and those resentments are
going to build and you're goingto suffer because you didn't
speak up.
So if you're avoiding this stepand a lot of people do, because
it's a hard, hard thing to lookat.
It's a hard thing to look atall the damage you've done in
(23:23):
the past.
It's a hard thing to look atall the people that you've hurt.
It's really hard to look atthat you're the only one that's
responsible the only one that'sresponsible.
So I know I haven't glamorizedthe fourth step today, but
(23:49):
here's what I can tell you thatfourth step has allowed me to
heal.
That fourth step's allowed meto become the person that I am
today.
It's allowed me to go to thenext step.
It's allowed me to work withother people through this exact
same step.
I'm working with a sponsorright now through this step and
he's going through the samething that I went through with
when my wife and I split Sameexact thing and I get to share
(24:14):
my experience with him and it'sinvaluable.
And what I love about this isit fills my cup up to be able to
help another man throughsomething I've gone through.
If I haven't gone through it, Ican't help you with it.
(24:35):
I can suggest that you talk tosomebody else probably even give
you a name.
But if you're avoiding thisstep, don't.
If you think you've alreadydone it and you never need to do
it again, think again, becauseyou're not perfect.
We're not.
You know.
We're not rendered white assnow, as the big book says.
As the big book says, iftoday's episode spoke to you,
(25:01):
I'm going to ask you to do me afavor.
Leave me a five-star review onApple Podcast or Spotify.
Share it with someone who'sstuck in their story, who may
use this as an opportunity toget better, to recover.
Thank you for listening to theSuccessful Life Podcast, and
(25:27):
recovery is just the beginning.
Let me know if I can help you.
Let me know what you want me totalk about on the show.
I'm really enjoying this newdirection.
I appreciate you and we'll seeyou next Friday.
Welcome to the Successful Life Podcast.
I'm your host, Corey Berrier,and this show is about
transformation inside and out.
And today I'm going to sharewith you one of the most
powerful parts of my recoverythe fourth step, the mirror and
the painful truths that changedeverything.
(00:20):
You know, when I first heardabout the fourth step, which is
titled, made a searching andfearless moral inventory of
ourselves I knew it was going tobe hard, but what I didn't know
is just how much it was goingto demand of me, or from me, I
(00:44):
should say and here's thehardest part from being truthful
with you and I am obviously isthe fourth step is like a.
It's like a mirror.
It doesn't lie, there's nosugarcoating Hell.
(01:05):
It doesn't even let you blameeveryone else, which was the
hardest thing for me, because Iwanted to blame everybody else.
And this part of the step, thisstep specifically, it really is
where the rubber hits the road,as they say.
This is where it becomes real,and I've done a few fourth steps
(01:30):
over the years, but the one Idid about two years ago was very
different from the one that Idid when I first came into the
rooms, and so I hadn't done afourth step at this point, I
hadn't done a fourth step in Iguess over a decade and I was
angry.
(01:53):
I was angry at my ex-wife, andso I put everything down.
I wrote everything down in thecolumns.
There's four different columns,and the first column is who
you're resentful towards.
I wrote every single thing down, every moment that I felt
betrayed, every story that I'dbeen telling myself and I was,
(02:18):
needless to say, I wasemotionally charged, charged,
and at first it felt like arelease because I got to look
deeper and I had to admitsomething painful I had allowed
(02:38):
those things to take place.
We were in a toxic, codependentrelationship.
We enabled each other tomanipulate, control and it kept
us stuck, and I'm not going toshare about her, necessarily,
(02:59):
but I wasn't the victim.
I can tell you that, and Ithought for sure I was the
victim.
I played the victim.
I can tell you that, and Ithought for sure I was the
victim.
I played the victim card.
But the truth is I was awilling participant in that
situation.
I allowed those things to happenand you know, one of the things
(03:21):
that I found very beneficial todo in this fourth step, in this
columns while I was angry,while I was resentful and while
I was upset and truthfully Idespised the situation, I
(03:55):
despised my ex-wife, which was ahard pill to swallow because I
had lied to myself for so manyyears saying this was a good
situation.
And here's the crazy part.
You know, I'll lie to myselfquicker than I'll lie to you.
I'll tell you things are okaywhen they're not and it's just a
default and that's my ego, like, if things are not going well,
(04:15):
I should be okay saying they'renot going well.
But I wasn't able to do thatand I'll get to later on in the
show why those things happenedthe way they did.
But it was simply my own stuff.
It was the things I allowed inmy life and the things that I
(04:38):
allowed to become toxic were allmy fault.
They didn't have anything to dowith her, they had everything
to do with me, and I didn'tdiscover this until later on.
And so I went through thatfourth step, as painful as it
(04:59):
was, and I put down all thethings that I was upset about,
and a lot of them, if I'm beingtruthful with you, is things I
couldn't control.
But I wanted to control thingsthat I tried to control.
And look, my experience now hasbeen that I can't control
(05:19):
anything.
I can't control what myemployees do.
I can't control what myemployees do.
I can't control what my bossdoes.
I can't control what Maddiedoes.
I can't control what the guy inthe meeting is sharing about.
I can't control that someoneovercharges me for my credit
(05:40):
card.
I can't control any of that.
Now, I can be aware of thosethings and check myself and
figure out all right, what is mymode?
If somebody overcharges me onmy credit card, well, I can fix
that, but I can't control that.
They did it at the beginning.
I can't be upset because theydid it at the beginning.
(06:01):
They're human beings, just likeyou, just like me.
We're both just human beingsthat are just trying to live in
this world, and it was.
You know, the control thing is areally it was a really hard
thing for me to really hard pillfor me to swallow that I
(06:21):
couldn't control things andpeople and outcomes, and it
almost drove me insane and Ijust didn't realize it.
I didn't know that I was socontrolling and so manipulative
really.
And so the last fourth step Idid, and as you stay in recovery
(06:48):
, you're going to have to domultiple fourth steps and
they're not the end of the world, because if you get everything
down on paper that first goround, then you really should be
doing kind of a spot check.
Fourth step, if you will, youknow, throughout your sobriety.
But it is important to checkyourself and realize am I
(07:09):
showing up like the same guythat I used to show up as?
And I remember, you know, Iwasn't drinking when I was with
my ex-wife, but I was still Idried drunk and so I still had
the same control issues.
I had the same control issues.
I had the same manipulationissues.
I was the same guy, I justwasn't pouring alcohol in me.
(07:33):
And that's a rough spot to bein.
It's a really rough, especiallywithout having a program at the
time.
It's the last.
Fourth step that I did was afterMaddie and I broke up in
February.
I was devastated.
I couldn't see straight I mean,I was so devastated is probably
(08:02):
an understatement and I thoughtshe was completely in the wrong
.
I thought I had done everythingright.
Here comes that egotisticalperson again right, and I did a
lot of things that weren't right, even though my intentions, I
(08:27):
thought, were pure.
There was a lot of underlyingissues from my childhood that
were rearing their ugly head andI didn't even know.
I had really no idea, even know, like I had really no idea.
(08:52):
You know, one of the things I'llgive you an example is I would
do things for her.
Like I would go to the storeand think about the shampoo was
out and I would just buy theshampoo and think, oh, she'll
really appreciate that.
But there are certain thingsthat some people appreciate and
some people don't, and likethat's at the bottom of her list
(09:14):
of things to care about, eventhough I thought I was doing
this thing.
But really what I was doing wasI was solving an issue inside
of me which was I'm going to buythis thing for her and she's
going to love me.
It just doesn't work that way.
Or I'm going to mow her yardand she's going to love me, or
(09:35):
I'm going to do this and she'sgoing to love me.
I'm going to keep doing thesethings and she'll keep loving me
.
And that is a terrible recipebecause it doesn't work.
So really that's a form for me.
Anyhow, that was a form ofmanipulation.
I was manipulating thesituation to maintain this
(09:59):
relationship and it didn't workLike it didn't work, and
something that she said to meone day.
She only said it once, but shesaid you know, I think you're
codependent.
It hit me hard and it stirredup anger, confusion, stuff that
(10:25):
I couldn't even explain.
Deep down, though, I knew thatfeeling meant something, but of
course I pushed it to the sideand thought I can't believe.
She said that.
You know she's wrong.
She's probably the one that'scodependent.
You know, of course, I blamedit all on her.
(10:46):
So after we broke up, I starteddigging.
I read about 10 different books, literally on codependency, and
what I found shook me, becauseI was textbook codependent.
(11:07):
I built our relationship aroundlies that I was telling myself
I thought I was doing all thosethings for her.
The truth is I waspeople-pleasing.
I didn't speak up andultimately as humbling as it
(11:31):
feels to say this I made her myhigher power.
She was in the God seat and,you know, I let up on my prayer
life.
I let up on my meetings.
I let up on my prayer life.
I let up on my meetings.
I let up on my sponsees.
I slowly built my life aroundher and what I thought she
(11:56):
needed.
You know, of course, I didn'task her what she needed or
wanted.
I just assumed that I knew,because I knew everything.
That's you know the story of mylife, it seems like.
But that realization of beingcodependent cut deep.
Not only had I lost arelationship, but I'd lost my
(12:26):
center.
As I mentioned, I stopped goingto meetings and I wasn't as
present with my sponsees and Iwas drifting from the program.
And then I saw it clearly,crystal clear, crystal clear.
It wasn't about her, this wasabout me.
(12:49):
This was about me takingresponsibility for my life again
and so going through this.
They say that pain is the greatmotivator For me.
It is.
You know, they say that pain isthe great motivator For me.
(13:11):
It is, and I was in so muchpain through this breakup that I
(13:37):
had no other choice than to dothe work and look at myself and
figure out why this happened.
You know, as I look back in allmy personal relationships,
romantic relationships, it's thesame story that played out in
all those relationships I wasthe same guy acting the same way
and all the relationships ended.
And that's tough.
That's tough to have to look atmy part and admit I was the
(13:59):
reason those relationships ended.
I was the reason I couldn't dowell at a job, or that I would
lose a job or that I didn't getwhat I wanted from the job.
I didn't get the salary Iwanted because I was too afraid
to ask.
It was paralyzing to ask forwhat I wanted, because the fear
(14:27):
would be that I wouldn't getapproval.
I was seeking approval fromother people, whether it be my
boss, whether it be mygirlfriend, whether it be some
people in the rooms, whether itbe an employee.
I wanted people to like me.
I wanted people to think I wasa good person, and so I would
just not say anything If thingsdidn't go the way.
(14:50):
I wanted them to think I was agood person, and so I would just
not say anything.
If things didn't go the way Iwanted them to go, or if things
weren't meshing the right way, Iwould just not say anything.
Now think about this.
I'm sure this has happened toyou.
As an example example, let'ssay that you really enjoy the
(15:19):
house being clean.
I'll just use that as a simpleexample.
And so let's say you jump intoa relationship and the house is
not clean because your partneris not messy and I'm not
obviously I'm not referring toMaddie in this situation, it's
just an example here and so yousay to yourself well, you know
this is okay.
Like I can deal with this mess.
I can deal with, you know, themleaving their underwear on the
(15:43):
floor or them not putting thetoilet paper back or, as a man,
not putting the seat down Ifyou're a woman, I'm sure you've
experienced a man doing that Ican just deal with the seat
being up when I go to sit on thetoilet at 3 o'clock in the
morning in the dark, well, youshouldn't have to deal with that
(16:04):
.
You could just tell yourpartner, hey, like can you put
the seat back down?
I almost fell in the toilet,but instead you just say nothing
because you don't want to upsetthem, you don't want to rock
the boat, things are good.
And so those little things housenot being clean, the toilet
(16:25):
being down or the toilet beingup, rather the underwear on the
floor all those things start tobuild resentments.
And as those resentments, theymay seem real small, but when
you start stacking thoseresentments up, now you've got a
big resentment.
(16:45):
And now you resent that personthat you're living with because
of all the things that youdidn't speak up about.
I'm not suggesting that youneed to be a butthole about it.
That's probably not going toget you very far, but just
having a genuine conversationwith your partner if you're a
(17:08):
woman is an example.
Hey dude, do you mind justputting that toilet seat down?
I almost fell in the toilet at3 am and any good partner is
going to say you know, I don'twant you to have to go through
that, so I'm going to make sureI do a better job of it.
(17:28):
If you're like me, it may take acouple of times to remember and
it may take a couple ofconversations, but speaking up
is very important.
It's important to your ownmental health.
It was important to my mentalhealth and I didn't know that I
was harboring these resentments.
I had no idea.
(17:49):
And so after I did that fourthstep and realized all of these
things, I started over.
I plugged back into the rooms.
I started working the stepslike it was my first year again.
I got honest with myself.
I got honest with my sponsor.
I got honest with myself.
I got honest with my sponsor.
(18:10):
I got honest with God.
And that breakup didn't just enda relationship.
It started my recovery for realand I wouldn't trade that for
the world.
I wouldn't wish anyone to gothrough that amount of pain,
(18:31):
unless you get the result thatI've gotten, which is, you know,
now I'm able to have thoseconversations, I'm able to say,
hey, this thing bothers me, canwe change it?
And maybe it's something thatwe gotta come to an agreement on
, that we meet halfway, or maybeit's the toilet seat, maybe
(18:57):
it's something stupid, but we'veagreed her and I both have
agreed not to let these thingsaffect our relationship, and
it's changed everything, becausewe are honest with one another,
even though sometimes honestconversations are difficult.
(19:19):
The end result is I'm clearingmy side of the street, I'm
making sure that I'm speaking upabout the things that bother me
and I'm not harboringresentment, most importantly.
And so the fourth step isn't aone-time deal, it's not
(19:41):
something that you check off.
For me, it's a tool, a reset.
It's the truth.
This is where you stop blamingand you start owning your own
stuff.
That's what makes it sopowerful, that's what makes it
(20:05):
painful.
Two things can exist at thesame time.
But it's also what makes itwork, and I hope that, if you're
listening to this, that you'vetaken something away today.
Think about this in your ownlife, you know.
Think about the little thingsthat you've let build up, the
(20:28):
little things that havedeveloped into a resentment
towards your partner, or maybetowards somebody in the rooms,
or maybe towards a co-workerpartner, or maybe towards
somebody in the rooms, or maybetowards a co-worker.
You know, maybe I'll give you aco-worker example, and this is
not a real-time example now.
But let's say you've got an 8o'clock meeting planned, and
(20:49):
every single week it's once aweek, hypothetically and half
your staff's late every singleweek and half your staff's late
every single week.
And so instead of saying hey,the meeting starts at 8 o'clock,
if you're not here at 8 o'clock, you won't be able to join in
on the meeting, you just let itslide and you continue to let it
(21:11):
slide Every week.
It eats at you, it bothers you,it makes you upset at those
people that are late becausethey're being late.
They're doing it to you, right,so to speak.
They're not really doing it toyou.
You didn't speak up and say thecutoff time is 8 am.
If you're not here by 8 am,you're not going to join the
(21:33):
meeting.
And so these are boundaries thatyou are going to want to set
and it is a prevention frombuilding a resentment down in
the future, right, because thatthing is going to affect so the
guys that are late, as anexample, and they call you at 8
o'clock at night for a favor,you may not answer that phone
(21:54):
call because you think well,that SOB can't even make it to
the meeting on time, I'm notgoing to go out of my way to
answer that call.
And now the result of that ishe didn't complete the sale
because he needed your help.
You were too egotistical toanswer the phone and the sale
(22:15):
didn't go through.
And now the company suffersbecause you didn't speak up
about being on time for themeeting.
Do you see how these I meanit's like a snowball effect.
It starts with not speaking upabout the meeting, then it goes
to resenting the people that arelate because you aren't
speaking up, and then it goes toI'm going to get in my ego and
(22:39):
my pride and I'm not going toanswer the phone because he's
late and he's doing this to meand all that's not true.
You did it to yourself becauseyou didn't speak up and say the
meeting starts at 8 am.
You need to be in your seat by8 am.
If you don't set thoseparameters, those boundaries,
(23:00):
they're going to be late everytime and those resentments are
going to build and you're goingto suffer because you didn't
speak up.
So if you're avoiding this stepand a lot of people do, because
it's a hard, hard thing to lookat.
It's a hard thing to look atall the damage you've done in
(23:23):
the past.
It's a hard thing to look atall the people that you've hurt.
It's really hard to look atthat you're the only one that's
responsible the only one that'sresponsible.
So I know I haven't glamorizedthe fourth step today, but
(23:49):
here's what I can tell you thatfourth step has allowed me to
heal.
That fourth step's allowed meto become the person that I am
today.
It's allowed me to go to thenext step.
It's allowed me to work withother people through this exact
same step.
I'm working with a sponsorright now through this step and
he's going through the samething that I went through with
when my wife and I split Sameexact thing and I get to share
(24:14):
my experience with him and it'sinvaluable.
And what I love about this isit fills my cup up to be able to
help another man throughsomething I've gone through.
If I haven't gone through it, Ican't help you with it.
(24:35):
I can suggest that you talk tosomebody else probably even give
you a name.
But if you're avoiding thisstep, don't.
If you think you've alreadydone it and you never need to do
it again, think again, becauseyou're not perfect.
We're not.
You know.
We're not rendered white assnow, as the big book says.
As the big book says, iftoday's episode spoke to you,
(25:01):
I'm going to ask you to do me afavor.
Leave me a five-star review onApple Podcast or Spotify.
Share it with someone who'sstuck in their story, who may
use this as an opportunity toget better, to recover.
Thank you for listening to theSuccessful Life Podcast, and
(25:27):
recovery is just the beginning.
Let me know if I can help you.
Let me know what you want me totalk about on the show.
I'm really enjoying this newdirection.
I appreciate you and we'll seeyou next Friday.
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