November 7, 2025 • 37 mins
In this episode of the Successful Life Podcast, host Corey Berrier takes a deep dive into the challenging topic of relapse and addiction, sharing his personal journey and insights. Corey discusses the struggles of maintaining sobriety, the pitfalls of relapse, and the exhausting cycle of addiction. He highlights the illusion of alcohol as a friend, the consequences of addiction on personal and professional life, and the often-overlooked aspect of rebuilding trust in oneself. Corey also talks about the importance of community and support in recovery and how practices like transcendental meditation have played a crucial role in his journey. This episode is a heartfelt and honest reflection on the path to recovery and the ongoing efforts to maintain a leadership mindset in the face of life's challenges.
00:00 Introduction to the Podcast
01:04 Personal Relapse Story
02:43 The Struggle with Alcoholism
06:45 The Turning Point
11:57 The Road to Recovery
18:15 Maintaining Sobriety
23:30 The Power of Meditation
27:27 Final Thoughts and Encouragement
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Episode Transcript
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CoreyBerrier (01:00):
Welcome to the Successful Life Podcast.
I'm your host, Corey Berrier.
And today, folks, we're goingto talk about relapse.
What happens when you have arelapse?
What happens when I whathappened when I relapsed?
Because listen, relapse doesnot have to be a part of your
(01:25):
story.
But often it is a part of yourstory.
And you know, the truth of thematter is when I when I
relapsed, I didn't put in thework that I was told to put in.
(01:47):
I had a mask over my face infront of you, in front of the
next person, in front of thenext person, in front of the
next person.
And man, it was prettyexhausting.
And you know, you know, aboutthree months into me getting
(02:11):
sober the first time, which wasearly 2009, you know, I remember
sitting on the couch.
I was uh I was living at I washad a roommate, and you know, I
was supposed to go to a meetingthat night, and I just got up,
(02:34):
went to the store, and boughtsix beers.
Now, if you're not a recoveredor recovering alcoholic, this is
gonna make absolutely no senseto you.
In fact, you are probably gonnaquestion the sanity of what I'm
about to tell you because thetruth of the matter is it is
(02:59):
insane.
Uh we call this cunning,baffling, and powerful.
And uh I was sitting on thatcouch, I was supposed to go to a
meeting that night, and I justgot up, went to the store as if
it was three months prior tothat before I had stopped
drinking.
And I just I went and I boughtsix beers, I came back home,
(03:23):
continued watching the footballgame, and about three beers in,
I realized what had happened.
If you've ever tried to besober for 90 days, it is not an
easy path.
(03:43):
It's not an easy 90 daysbecause the the pull, the pull
that you feel inside of yourbody when you're trying to put
down alcohol is the worst pullI've ever had in my life.
(04:05):
It's the biggest struggle I'veever had in my life.
I drank for 20, I don't know,15 years.
I can't remember how long itwas at the time.
But I drank for a very, a verylong time, pretty consistently,
and lots of times uh sun up tosundown.
(04:26):
And that wasn't the case atthis moment in time in my life.
I wasn't drinking sunup tosundown, but I was drinking
every day.
And that alcohol becomes afriend.
Uh becomes a friend when you dosomething cool and fun, you
drink.
Becomes your friend when youget bad news or someone passes,
(04:48):
you drink.
Hell, if you're me, I justdrank because I was bored.
But along, you know, along myjourney, alcohol was always
there.
And it didn't matter how manytimes I got arrested, didn't
matter how many DUIs I had.
(05:09):
Yeah, was I remorseful, youknow, after those things
happened, of course.
And did I want to get out oftrouble by saying I'm gonna quit
drinking?
Absolutely.
Did I mean it?
Unequivocally, without a doubt,not.
I mean, I probably did mean itat the time.
And I think every time you sayto yourself, I'm gonna start,
(05:33):
I'm gonna stop drinking, or I'mgonna stop smoking cigarettes,
or I'm gonna put this vape down,or I'm gonna stop eating sugar,
or I'm gonna start exercising,or I'm gonna change my habits
because I know I'm not I'm goingdown a dark road.
And that dark road could befood, it could be alcohol, it
could be pornography, it couldbe fill in the blank, it could
(05:57):
be anything.
And maybe ask yourself how manytimes you've quit a thing, and
then the next day you went rightback to that thing because it
was just too hard to put down.
Or it was too easy to startagain the next day.
(06:19):
I know for me, I've had severalof these battles in my life,
whether it be women, or whetherit be uh cigarettes, or whether
it be alcohol, or whether it beweed, or whether it be whatever,
fill in the blank.
And um, you know, for me, everytime I break a promise to
(06:43):
myself, I disappoint myself.
I let myself down.
And what happens is breakingthose small promises to myself
compound over time.
And they become those smallthings, become bigger things.
Those small actions that Idecide not to take because
(07:07):
today's not going to be the dayI'm gonna do it tomorrow.
That tomorrow turns into nextweek, next month, and next year.
And then what's the point?
Because I've already let myselfdown so many times, I don't
even trust myself.
I don't even trust myself whenI take when I make promises to
myself that I can't keep, I loseall trust in me.
(07:28):
And uh that's really that's ahard pill to swallow.
And so I went through that, youknow, for years.
You know, there were years thatI didn't want to stop drinking,
that alcohol was my friend, butI want to tell you, and I want
to be so clear about thisalcoholics don't want to drink.
(07:53):
I think a lot of peoplebelieve, or a lot of people have
the opinion that that, well, ifyou're you know, you're losing
your house and your wife andyour kids hate your guts, you're
on the verge of losing yourjob.
Why don't you just quit, dude?
Well, you could just quit todayand and all those things would
(08:13):
probably fix themselves, butit's not that easy.
Unfortunately, if you're not anaddict, and if you don't have
addictive qualities in your lifeor addictive personality like I
do, sometimes you can't quit.
Sometimes you literally cannotread the label on the bottle
(08:36):
because you're inside the bottleand you're stuck in a place
that's impossible to get out.
And normal people will say, Whycan't you just put it down?
Dude, if if an alcoholic couldjust put it down, they would.
They don't want to keepdrinking, they don't want to
(08:58):
keep having the consequencesthey're having, they don't want
to keep breaking promises tothemselves.
But that's where the addictioncomes in.
The addiction to the thing thatyou can't put down is powerful.
It's so strong that it feelslike it's got it feels like it's
(09:25):
got the like someone's gottheir their hands around your
neck and they won't let go, andyou can't breathe, and there's
nothing you can do.
The only thing that willrelease that pressure and that
pain and that struggle isanother drink or another donut,
and or another relationship, oranother drug.
(09:49):
You see, when people areaddicted to drugs and alcohol,
they are really looking forrelief from themselves.
They're looking for a solutionout of what they're feeling.
And alcohol and drugs are agood solution to not feel what
(10:12):
you're feeling.
And you may not realize thatyou're trying to cover up some
sort of pain.
Maybe you're air quote stressedout at work, so you drink at
night.
Maybe your wife is uh a bitchand you drink at night.
The truth of the matter is yourjob doesn't have anything to do
(10:33):
with you drinking at night.
Your wife doesn't have anythingto do with you drinking at
night.
It's the person looking in themirror that has everything to do
with why you drink at night.
And you talk about a hard truthto have to admit that it's my
(10:56):
fault to admit that it's myfault that I do the things that
I do.
Absolutely not.
It's not my fault, it'ssomebody else's fault.
I'm gonna blame somebody elseall day long when I'm in
addiction.
Relationship ends, it's herfault.
(11:17):
I drink, it's their fault.
If you would have had if yourwife was like mine, you drink
too.
I'm sure there's peoplelistening to this show right now
that have said that very thing.
If you were in the situationthat I'm in right now, you you
would drink too.
And life situations are hard.
(11:44):
They're hard to deal with, butthey're much easier to deal with
when you could pour a littleliquor on top of it or smoke a
little dope in the afternoonjust to you know take the edge
off until it stops working.
And so the alcohol in my lifestopped working, it became all I
(12:07):
thought about every single day.
How I was gonna what I wasgonna drink when I got home.
Do I have enough at home?
Do I need to stop at the store?
You know, those things consumemy mind.
If I'm going to a restaurant,do they have the alcohol I want?
Because if they don't havealcohol, you can forget it.
(12:27):
I'm not going.
Right?
I'm not interested in havingdinner with anybody when I'm in
active addiction if there's noalcohol there.
Because, you know, that's theprimary, that's the primary
focus.
And um look, alcohol's prettysociably acceptable.
(12:51):
And uh, but it it is cunning,baffling, and powerful.
And so I did decide to, and andthis was in 2009 when I quit
drinking for good.
Um, you know, I had uh I hadthis, I had a had had a couple
of DUIs and talked my way intogetting my license back here in
(13:15):
North Carolina, and uh I had tohave this thing in my car that I
had to blow into in order forthe car to start.
Pretty damn unmanageable.
But I was just grateful.
I felt like I was grateful justto have a North Carolina
driver's license again.
But the alcohol was so powerfulthat I drank again after
(13:40):
knowing the consequences of thatwere catastrophic.
Catastrophic in a way that Imay lose my license for the rest
of my life and go to jail forGod knows how long.
Like I my whole, my ass, mylife, my future was on the line,
(14:03):
and I drank anyway.
Because I could drink justenough to not blow into that
thing the next morning and setit off.
Well, that's not how it turnedout, and so one morning I knew
in the pit of my stomach thingswere about to go sideways, but I
(14:25):
would manipulate myself, lie tomyself, and say, hey, it's
gonna be fine.
You're gonna dude, you're gonnabe fine.
Like it's not gonna happen thistime.
And then next and then tonightyou won't drink, and you won't
have to worry about thistomorrow.
But today you're gonna getyou're gonna get old, you're
gonna be okay.
But in the pit of my stomach,when you know something that
bad's about to happen, wasthere.
(14:47):
But I pushed it down because Ididn't want to listen to that
voice.
And I had to be at work, so Iblew into it and it set it off.
And um that sends a directmessage to the North Carolina
DMV.
(15:08):
It says, Hey, you got one, andso the car gets locked out, you
can't start it.
And then you've got to havesomebody take you down to the
DMV and explain what happened.
And that was the scariest daythat I've had in a long, long
(15:29):
time.
And so I explained to thislady, and I lied, of course,
because if I told her I drankafter I just told her, you know,
two weeks ago or three weeksago that I had quit drinking for
good, and I was basically thePope.
You know, I lied and said I hadeaten some Caribbean food, and
it was not a proud moment, butI, you know, I was caught.
(15:52):
I didn't know what else to do.
And at the time, lying was asmart thing for me to, you know,
it was like second nature.
Um, it was kind of the onlychoice.
Thankfully, I I don't do thatanymore.
Thankfully, I don't lieanymore.
Uh, not intentionally, forsure.
And so this lady said to me,hey, like I'm gonna let you go.
(16:17):
But if I ever see you in hereagain, you will you'll never
drive on the streets of NorthCarolina ever again in your
life.
Do you understand me?
This lady was a big old blacklady.
I mean, she was a scary, scary,scary woman.
She was probably 6'2.
I mean, she was enormous.
And when I walked out of therethat day, I decided I was never
(16:43):
going to put another drop ofalcohol in my body, and I
didn't, and I haven't.
But you know, the story doesn'tend there.
You know, I went to therecovery program, and and you
know, I felt like I was doingthe steps, and I felt like I was
doing the right thing, and Ifelt like I was involved.
(17:04):
And the truth of the matter wasI only showed people what I
wanted them to see.
And uh that kept me dishonest.
You know, I would lie byomission.
I mean, I may have just liedanyway.
I don't know.
(17:25):
Who knows at the time?
It's been a long time ago.
But the point is, is like Iwore that mask for the next
seven years.
I mean, I was fairly heavilyinvolved, I felt like, started a
uh, you know, a recoverymeeting, and of course, you
(17:46):
know, I was the star of the showwith that meeting.
And so, you know, it fed myego, and and I had arrived, and
and quickly it got to the point,I say quickly after about seven
years, that that's when Idecided that I didn't need to go
to recovery anymore.
And I slowly started smokingweed every now and then, and
(18:09):
then it got a little bit moreoften, and it got a little more
often until eventually I didn'tneed recovery anymore.
This program that had given mea life beyond imagination.
I had just bought a brand newhouse, I was newly married, I
(18:29):
had sold a business and startedanother business, and I was
happy.
And uh, you know, we had twobrand new cars in the driveway.
I mean, life was really, reallydope.
It was really good.
And I decided that you knowwhat, I I got this.
(18:51):
I don't I don't need to keepgoing to these stupid meetings.
I don't need to keep going tothese stupid meetings.
I just don't.
I don't need it.
I'm busy at work, I'm runningthis business, it's taking all
my time, and I just don't havetime for it.
And so I stopped going.
(19:12):
And uh to the point where, youknow, I had to hit my knees and
(19:38):
beg for God to show me what todo because I was out of options.
I had tried everything.
My wife and I were fightinglike crazy.
Um, this was uh I guess thiswas uh going into uh tail end of
2021, going into 2022.
(20:00):
Um maybe that's the opposite.
Maybe it's tail end of 2022going into 2023, and life just
wasn't good, dude.
I was very unhappy with myself.
I was very unhappy with themarriage, and it had nothing to
do with her.
She tried her best.
(20:58):
But you know, I was a totaltrain wreck.
And for all those years, Ididn't even consider getting
back into the recovery programthat had given me all those
things back and more until, youknow, some things happened that
(21:20):
I'm not going to get into herewithin our family.
And and I tried to doeverything I could do to get an
answer as to what happened.
And the truth is I never gotthat answer, but it was driving
me absolutely insane.
And the the sheerunmanageability and lack of
(21:47):
control in my life was the worstit's ever been.
And I hadn't even drank.
I was so spun out.
You know, I was I was me withuntreated alcoholism.
And listen, it's calledalcoholism, not alcohol wasm.
(22:10):
Everything that I I have to dothings on a daily basis, every
day, to keep what I've got, tostay sober, to be a recovered
alcoholic.
And um and finally I had thecrap scared out of me.
(22:32):
You know, I had already beengoing back into the recovery
program at at this time, whichwas March March of March 26,
2023 is my my sobriety date.
But I was still smoking weedand you know, trying to do my
thing and um, you know, living atotal lie.
(22:55):
And I knew that.
I knew I was living a lie.
But I was just my, you know, Iwas just not willing yet to put
it down.
I wasn't willing to admit thatI was powerless over this
substance and that my life wascompletely unmanageable.
Until one night I was leaving ameeting and I I'd hit my my
(23:23):
weed pin and almost ran throughtwo red lights almost back to
back, going 70 miles an hour,and it it scared the day the
daylights out of me.
It scared me to death.
And uh I knew at that moment Ireally didn't want that third
strike, and I knew it was comingif I didn't make a change, and
so I tossed that pen out thewindow, and I haven't picked it
(23:45):
back up since.
You know, and this has been atough little over two and a half
years for various reasons.
I've gone through divorce, I'vesold a house, I've changed jobs
a couple of times, and and uhand through all of that, I
(24:06):
haven't felt the need to pick upa drink or a drug.
You know, I rely on people thatare sober around me to help me
when I need help.
Um, and there's nothing like itin the world, and I wish
(24:31):
everybody had the same thing orthe same opportunities that I've
had to look inward at myself,look at my childhood traumas,
fix some of those things,realize why I make the decisions
that I make, and it takes awhole lot of work to do that.
And I'm not here to brag by anystretch because I have not
(24:55):
arrived.
But I'm a little bit betterthan I was yesterday.
And God willing, I'm gonna getthrough today sober.
And God willing, I'm gonnacontinue this journey.
You know, I'll share a quickstory with you.
Um, I went and did uh atraining on Sunday called
(25:20):
Transcendental Meditation.
And and and I I've alwaysthought, well, yeah, I meditate,
you know, I listen to somestuff and probably fall asleep.
So not I, you know, I didn'treally know much about
meditation, but that is, youknow, part of the part of the
deal is prayer meditation.
And it's something I haven'tfocused a whole lot on.
(25:40):
And so I decided to go learnfrom a a private teacher on
Sunday.
And it's really wild.
It's wild what's happened justin the last four days.
Now, this is not an overnightfix, this is not a solution to
(26:01):
all your problems, but it's apiece of the puzzle that I was
missing.
And I meditate twice a day for20 minutes each time.
And I'm not gonna go into thespecifics of how it's done and
all that stuff.
You can look into it if youwant to, or or you can just do
it on your own, or whatever youfeel like you need to do.
(26:23):
You know, and I tried doing iton my own, but that didn't
really work.
Like a lot of things in mylife, when I try to do them on
my own, I'm not very successful.
But when I ask for help and I'mwilling to accept that help and
be open-minded and realize Idon't know everything, I don't
(26:49):
know jack shit when it comes toa lot of things.
And I've learned is to behonest and say, you know, I just
don't have the answers, and I'mnot sure there's anything else
that I can really do sometimes,is just open my mind and ask for
(27:12):
help.
Ask for God's guidance.
And here's the crazy part if Iask for God's guidance and I
allow Him to work in my life,that's when things get a bit
easier, that's when thingsbecome a little clearer.
But as soon as I want to takeback that control and try to run
(27:38):
things my way, the show doesn'tcome off very well.
And you know, some days I dothat, some days I take my will
back and I decide I'm gonna doit my way.
I'm gonna stress out about thisthing, I'm gonna control the
outcome of this thing, I'm gonnahave expectations on this human
(28:02):
being that's going to let medown.
And then I can have aresentment, and it's a cycle.
And it's hard to get out ofthat cycle, but I can assure you
once you see the results ofpracticing these things in all
areas of your life, it changes.
(28:23):
And I can't explain it.
I don't know what the secretsauce is.
So I have to do all the piecesthat make up the sauce because
I'm not sure which one today isgoing to be the one that works.
And so I am fairly disciplinedin all areas of my life.
(28:44):
I'm disciplined with my diet,I'm desperate, disciplined with
my exercise, I'm disciplinedwith work, I'm disciplined with
my recovery.
And it's not easy.
It's a lot of balls to juggle.
But man, it's a lot easier thantrying to do it on my own.
(29:04):
And uh I think my message todayto you is if you are struggling
with some sort of addiction,you know, there's a thousand
12-step programs out there thatyou can look into.
Now, I can't I can't speak buton a couple of them, because I
haven't been in all of them.
(29:25):
But I know where I've found asolution, and that's in a
program of recovery.
And you know, the other thingthat I think is really important
is it's very lonely when you'rein addiction.
And I mean when I say lonely,it is a very isolated, dark
(29:47):
place.
And there's one thing that Ilove about being in recovery is
the community aspect of it.
You know, I used to hate goingto meetings because I was always
looking to see what I'd get outof it.
And now I look forward to goingto meetings because I like to
(30:09):
give back.
And sometimes I don't give backby sharing or talking or, you
know, uh, well, yeah, sharing.
Sometimes I'm able to give backby just listening.
And sometimes that's my part inthat particular environment
that day.
And you'll know when the righttime is for you to talk.
(30:37):
And don't for you don't need toforce it.
You don't need to be theshining star of the room, you
don't need to be the leader ofthe crazy bus.
You don't need to be the kingof the castle, you don't need to
be the damn cool kid in a groupof people that are trying to
recover from drugs and alcohol.
You just don't.
But a lot of people think wedo.
And I fell into that trap forsure when I first got in.
(30:58):
You know, I thought I needed tosay the right thing.
So you would hear me and thinkI'm cool and like me and accept
me in.
It just does the opposite ofthat because the people that
have been there for longer thanyou realize you're full of shit,
man.
And you don't realize thatuntil you've been around the
block for a minute.
But uh once you do realize thatyou take somebody under your
(31:24):
wing and you start working withthem, and you can kind of guide
them in a way that nobody maybeguided you, or maybe they tried
to guide you and you didn'tlisten, which is probably what
happened with me, you know,because I knew everything.
You know, I didn't need to be.
There.
I wasn't one of these guys thatneeded this program.
(31:46):
And uh boy was I wrong aboutthat.
Boy was I wrong about that.
It was, you know, it's veryhumbling to tell somebody that
you're an alcoholic.
It's hard to do.
(32:07):
Because everything inside ofyou says, I'm not that person.
But likely, if you're in a roomof recovering people, you're
that person.
And guess what?
Everybody else in that room,whether they look like you or
they don't, they're just likeyou.
You're all there for the samereason.
(32:28):
And that's to figure out how tostop drinking and live a better
life.
And the benefits that come fromthat are massive.
And so if you if you've enjoyedthis conversation today, I
would encourage you to share itwith somebody that may need to
(32:50):
hear it.
Share it in one of the recoveryFacebook groups because there's
a lot of people in there thatare struggling.
You know, they'll get a day ortwo sober and then they relapse.
Or they'll have 30 days soberand they're on top of the world
and then they relapse.
Or maybe they have six monthsor a year or six years and they
relapse.
(33:11):
Those people need help too.
Everybody needs help in somearea of their life.
You just got to be willing toask for it and accept it.
And that's a hard thing to do.
If you're a man, it's a hardthing to do to ask another man
(33:31):
for help.
But it's the most liberatingthing you've ever you'll ever
do.
Because when you open up andyou allow people in and they can
see your true self, you takethe mask off, people then can
(33:52):
help you.
And people do want to help you.
No matter what you might think.
When I have somebody call witha problem, and I can listen to
that that problem or that issueor that struggle and share my
experience, strength, and hopewith them, in hopes that they
(34:17):
can see themselves inside of meand and that my story maybe
helps them not look so not feelso bad about themselves.
Because that's happened to me amillion times.
And I think to myself, I don'twant to call this person and
tell them I'm heartbroken.
I don't want to call thisperson and tell them I lost my
(34:38):
job.
I don't want to call thisperson and tell them I am on the
struggle bus.
But without a doubt, when I do,I get the in, I get, I get
exactly what I need.
And, you know, at first I dofeel like a burden sometimes.
(35:00):
But at the end of the day, itnever turns out that way.
You know, when you want toreach, if you decide you're
going to reach out to someone,you're going to help them more
than more than they're going tohelp you.
And that's also a hard conceptto grasp.
But take it from a guy that'ssat in the pain and not picked
up the phone and called someone.
(35:21):
And also from the same guy thatdecided I didn't want to feel
this pain anymore.
So I pick up a phone and I callpeople and I share with them
where I'm at and how I'mfeeling.
Because that's the solution forme.
And I'm not saying they alwayssay what I want to hear because
that's not the case.
I call people that are going totell me the truth.
(35:42):
Sometimes that truth is hard tohear.
So please share this withsomebody that you think needs to
hear it.
I appreciate you guys.
Subscribe to the podcast if youhaven't already.
Um, if you enjoyed this, leaveus a review.
(36:04):
And uh check out that TMMeditation.
It's really, really dope.
It's called TranscendentalMeditation.
And there is something about itspecial.
So, guys, I appreciate you.
This drops every Friday morningat 4 a.m.
sharp, and we'll see you nextweek.
Welcome to the Successful Life Podcast.
I'm your host, Corey Berrier.
And today, folks, we're goingto talk about relapse.
What happens when you have arelapse?
What happens when I whathappened when I relapsed?
Because listen, relapse doesnot have to be a part of your
(01:25):
story.
But often it is a part of yourstory.
And you know, the truth of thematter is when I when I
relapsed, I didn't put in thework that I was told to put in.
(01:47):
I had a mask over my face infront of you, in front of the
next person, in front of thenext person, in front of the
next person.
And man, it was prettyexhausting.
And you know, you know, aboutthree months into me getting
(02:11):
sober the first time, which wasearly 2009, you know, I remember
sitting on the couch.
I was uh I was living at I washad a roommate, and you know, I
was supposed to go to a meetingthat night, and I just got up,
(02:34):
went to the store, and boughtsix beers.
Now, if you're not a recoveredor recovering alcoholic, this is
gonna make absolutely no senseto you.
In fact, you are probably gonnaquestion the sanity of what I'm
about to tell you because thetruth of the matter is it is
(02:59):
insane.
Uh we call this cunning,baffling, and powerful.
And uh I was sitting on thatcouch, I was supposed to go to a
meeting that night, and I justgot up, went to the store as if
it was three months prior tothat before I had stopped
drinking.
And I just I went and I boughtsix beers, I came back home,
(03:23):
continued watching the footballgame, and about three beers in,
I realized what had happened.
If you've ever tried to besober for 90 days, it is not an
easy path.
(03:43):
It's not an easy 90 daysbecause the the pull, the pull
that you feel inside of yourbody when you're trying to put
down alcohol is the worst pullI've ever had in my life.
(04:05):
It's the biggest struggle I'veever had in my life.
I drank for 20, I don't know,15 years.
I can't remember how long itwas at the time.
But I drank for a very, a verylong time, pretty consistently,
and lots of times uh sun up tosundown.
(04:26):
And that wasn't the case atthis moment in time in my life.
I wasn't drinking sunup tosundown, but I was drinking
every day.
And that alcohol becomes afriend.
Uh becomes a friend when you dosomething cool and fun, you
drink.
Becomes your friend when youget bad news or someone passes,
(04:48):
you drink.
Hell, if you're me, I justdrank because I was bored.
But along, you know, along myjourney, alcohol was always
there.
And it didn't matter how manytimes I got arrested, didn't
matter how many DUIs I had.
(05:09):
Yeah, was I remorseful, youknow, after those things
happened, of course.
And did I want to get out oftrouble by saying I'm gonna quit
drinking?
Absolutely.
Did I mean it?
Unequivocally, without a doubt,not.
I mean, I probably did mean itat the time.
And I think every time you sayto yourself, I'm gonna start,
(05:33):
I'm gonna stop drinking, or I'mgonna stop smoking cigarettes,
or I'm gonna put this vape down,or I'm gonna stop eating sugar,
or I'm gonna start exercising,or I'm gonna change my habits
because I know I'm not I'm goingdown a dark road.
And that dark road could befood, it could be alcohol, it
could be pornography, it couldbe fill in the blank, it could
(05:57):
be anything.
And maybe ask yourself how manytimes you've quit a thing, and
then the next day you went rightback to that thing because it
was just too hard to put down.
Or it was too easy to startagain the next day.
(06:19):
I know for me, I've had severalof these battles in my life,
whether it be women, or whetherit be uh cigarettes, or whether
it be alcohol, or whether it beweed, or whether it be whatever,
fill in the blank.
And um, you know, for me, everytime I break a promise to
(06:43):
myself, I disappoint myself.
I let myself down.
And what happens is breakingthose small promises to myself
compound over time.
And they become those smallthings, become bigger things.
Those small actions that Idecide not to take because
(07:07):
today's not going to be the dayI'm gonna do it tomorrow.
That tomorrow turns into nextweek, next month, and next year.
And then what's the point?
Because I've already let myselfdown so many times, I don't
even trust myself.
I don't even trust myself whenI take when I make promises to
myself that I can't keep, I loseall trust in me.
(07:28):
And uh that's really that's ahard pill to swallow.
And so I went through that, youknow, for years.
You know, there were years thatI didn't want to stop drinking,
that alcohol was my friend, butI want to tell you, and I want
to be so clear about thisalcoholics don't want to drink.
(07:53):
I think a lot of peoplebelieve, or a lot of people have
the opinion that that, well, ifyou're you know, you're losing
your house and your wife andyour kids hate your guts, you're
on the verge of losing yourjob.
Why don't you just quit, dude?
Well, you could just quit todayand and all those things would
(08:13):
probably fix themselves, butit's not that easy.
Unfortunately, if you're not anaddict, and if you don't have
addictive qualities in your lifeor addictive personality like I
do, sometimes you can't quit.
Sometimes you literally cannotread the label on the bottle
(08:36):
because you're inside the bottleand you're stuck in a place
that's impossible to get out.
And normal people will say, Whycan't you just put it down?
Dude, if if an alcoholic couldjust put it down, they would.
They don't want to keepdrinking, they don't want to
(08:58):
keep having the consequencesthey're having, they don't want
to keep breaking promises tothemselves.
But that's where the addictioncomes in.
The addiction to the thing thatyou can't put down is powerful.
It's so strong that it feelslike it's got it feels like it's
(09:25):
got the like someone's gottheir their hands around your
neck and they won't let go, andyou can't breathe, and there's
nothing you can do.
The only thing that willrelease that pressure and that
pain and that struggle isanother drink or another donut,
and or another relationship, oranother drug.
(09:49):
You see, when people areaddicted to drugs and alcohol,
they are really looking forrelief from themselves.
They're looking for a solutionout of what they're feeling.
And alcohol and drugs are agood solution to not feel what
(10:12):
you're feeling.
And you may not realize thatyou're trying to cover up some
sort of pain.
Maybe you're air quote stressedout at work, so you drink at
night.
Maybe your wife is uh a bitchand you drink at night.
The truth of the matter is yourjob doesn't have anything to do
(10:33):
with you drinking at night.
Your wife doesn't have anythingto do with you drinking at
night.
It's the person looking in themirror that has everything to do
with why you drink at night.
And you talk about a hard truthto have to admit that it's my
(10:56):
fault to admit that it's myfault that I do the things that
I do.
Absolutely not.
It's not my fault, it'ssomebody else's fault.
I'm gonna blame somebody elseall day long when I'm in
addiction.
Relationship ends, it's herfault.
(11:17):
I drink, it's their fault.
If you would have had if yourwife was like mine, you drink
too.
I'm sure there's peoplelistening to this show right now
that have said that very thing.
If you were in the situationthat I'm in right now, you you
would drink too.
And life situations are hard.
(11:44):
They're hard to deal with, butthey're much easier to deal with
when you could pour a littleliquor on top of it or smoke a
little dope in the afternoonjust to you know take the edge
off until it stops working.
And so the alcohol in my lifestopped working, it became all I
(12:07):
thought about every single day.
How I was gonna what I wasgonna drink when I got home.
Do I have enough at home?
Do I need to stop at the store?
You know, those things consumemy mind.
If I'm going to a restaurant,do they have the alcohol I want?
Because if they don't havealcohol, you can forget it.
(12:27):
I'm not going.
Right?
I'm not interested in havingdinner with anybody when I'm in
active addiction if there's noalcohol there.
Because, you know, that's theprimary, that's the primary
focus.
And um look, alcohol's prettysociably acceptable.
(12:51):
And uh, but it it is cunning,baffling, and powerful.
And so I did decide to, and andthis was in 2009 when I quit
drinking for good.
Um, you know, I had uh I hadthis, I had a had had a couple
of DUIs and talked my way intogetting my license back here in
(13:15):
North Carolina, and uh I had tohave this thing in my car that I
had to blow into in order forthe car to start.
Pretty damn unmanageable.
But I was just grateful.
I felt like I was grateful justto have a North Carolina
driver's license again.
But the alcohol was so powerfulthat I drank again after
(13:40):
knowing the consequences of thatwere catastrophic.
Catastrophic in a way that Imay lose my license for the rest
of my life and go to jail forGod knows how long.
Like I my whole, my ass, mylife, my future was on the line,
(14:03):
and I drank anyway.
Because I could drink justenough to not blow into that
thing the next morning and setit off.
Well, that's not how it turnedout, and so one morning I knew
in the pit of my stomach thingswere about to go sideways, but I
(14:25):
would manipulate myself, lie tomyself, and say, hey, it's
gonna be fine.
You're gonna dude, you're gonnabe fine.
Like it's not gonna happen thistime.
And then next and then tonightyou won't drink, and you won't
have to worry about thistomorrow.
But today you're gonna getyou're gonna get old, you're
gonna be okay.
But in the pit of my stomach,when you know something that
bad's about to happen, wasthere.
(14:47):
But I pushed it down because Ididn't want to listen to that
voice.
And I had to be at work, so Iblew into it and it set it off.
And um that sends a directmessage to the North Carolina
DMV.
(15:08):
It says, Hey, you got one, andso the car gets locked out, you
can't start it.
And then you've got to havesomebody take you down to the
DMV and explain what happened.
And that was the scariest daythat I've had in a long, long
(15:29):
time.
And so I explained to thislady, and I lied, of course,
because if I told her I drankafter I just told her, you know,
two weeks ago or three weeksago that I had quit drinking for
good, and I was basically thePope.
You know, I lied and said I hadeaten some Caribbean food, and
it was not a proud moment, butI, you know, I was caught.
(15:52):
I didn't know what else to do.
And at the time, lying was asmart thing for me to, you know,
it was like second nature.
Um, it was kind of the onlychoice.
Thankfully, I I don't do thatanymore.
Thankfully, I don't lieanymore.
Uh, not intentionally, forsure.
And so this lady said to me,hey, like I'm gonna let you go.
(16:17):
But if I ever see you in hereagain, you will you'll never
drive on the streets of NorthCarolina ever again in your
life.
Do you understand me?
This lady was a big old blacklady.
I mean, she was a scary, scary,scary woman.
She was probably 6'2.
I mean, she was enormous.
And when I walked out of therethat day, I decided I was never
(16:43):
going to put another drop ofalcohol in my body, and I
didn't, and I haven't.
But you know, the story doesn'tend there.
You know, I went to therecovery program, and and you
know, I felt like I was doingthe steps, and I felt like I was
doing the right thing, and Ifelt like I was involved.
(17:04):
And the truth of the matter wasI only showed people what I
wanted them to see.
And uh that kept me dishonest.
You know, I would lie byomission.
I mean, I may have just liedanyway.
I don't know.
(17:25):
Who knows at the time?
It's been a long time ago.
But the point is, is like Iwore that mask for the next
seven years.
I mean, I was fairly heavilyinvolved, I felt like, started a
uh, you know, a recoverymeeting, and of course, you
(17:46):
know, I was the star of the showwith that meeting.
And so, you know, it fed myego, and and I had arrived, and
and quickly it got to the point,I say quickly after about seven
years, that that's when Idecided that I didn't need to go
to recovery anymore.
And I slowly started smokingweed every now and then, and
(18:09):
then it got a little bit moreoften, and it got a little more
often until eventually I didn'tneed recovery anymore.
This program that had given mea life beyond imagination.
I had just bought a brand newhouse, I was newly married, I
(18:29):
had sold a business and startedanother business, and I was
happy.
And uh, you know, we had twobrand new cars in the driveway.
I mean, life was really, reallydope.
It was really good.
And I decided that you knowwhat, I I got this.
(18:51):
I don't I don't need to keepgoing to these stupid meetings.
I don't need to keep going tothese stupid meetings.
I just don't.
I don't need it.
I'm busy at work, I'm runningthis business, it's taking all
my time, and I just don't havetime for it.
And so I stopped going.
(19:12):
And uh to the point where, youknow, I had to hit my knees and
(19:38):
beg for God to show me what todo because I was out of options.
I had tried everything.
My wife and I were fightinglike crazy.
Um, this was uh I guess thiswas uh going into uh tail end of
2021, going into 2022.
(20:00):
Um maybe that's the opposite.
Maybe it's tail end of 2022going into 2023, and life just
wasn't good, dude.
I was very unhappy with myself.
I was very unhappy with themarriage, and it had nothing to
do with her.
She tried her best.
(20:58):
But you know, I was a totaltrain wreck.
And for all those years, Ididn't even consider getting
back into the recovery programthat had given me all those
things back and more until, youknow, some things happened that
(21:20):
I'm not going to get into herewithin our family.
And and I tried to doeverything I could do to get an
answer as to what happened.
And the truth is I never gotthat answer, but it was driving
me absolutely insane.
And the the sheerunmanageability and lack of
(21:47):
control in my life was the worstit's ever been.
And I hadn't even drank.
I was so spun out.
You know, I was I was me withuntreated alcoholism.
And listen, it's calledalcoholism, not alcohol wasm.
(22:10):
Everything that I I have to dothings on a daily basis, every
day, to keep what I've got, tostay sober, to be a recovered
alcoholic.
And um and finally I had thecrap scared out of me.
(22:32):
You know, I had already beengoing back into the recovery
program at at this time, whichwas March March of March 26,
2023 is my my sobriety date.
But I was still smoking weedand you know, trying to do my
thing and um, you know, living atotal lie.
(22:55):
And I knew that.
I knew I was living a lie.
But I was just my, you know, Iwas just not willing yet to put
it down.
I wasn't willing to admit thatI was powerless over this
substance and that my life wascompletely unmanageable.
Until one night I was leaving ameeting and I I'd hit my my
(23:23):
weed pin and almost ran throughtwo red lights almost back to
back, going 70 miles an hour,and it it scared the day the
daylights out of me.
It scared me to death.
And uh I knew at that moment Ireally didn't want that third
strike, and I knew it was comingif I didn't make a change, and
so I tossed that pen out thewindow, and I haven't picked it
(23:45):
back up since.
You know, and this has been atough little over two and a half
years for various reasons.
I've gone through divorce, I'vesold a house, I've changed jobs
a couple of times, and and uhand through all of that, I
(24:06):
haven't felt the need to pick upa drink or a drug.
You know, I rely on people thatare sober around me to help me
when I need help.
Um, and there's nothing like itin the world, and I wish
(24:31):
everybody had the same thing orthe same opportunities that I've
had to look inward at myself,look at my childhood traumas,
fix some of those things,realize why I make the decisions
that I make, and it takes awhole lot of work to do that.
And I'm not here to brag by anystretch because I have not
(24:55):
arrived.
But I'm a little bit betterthan I was yesterday.
And God willing, I'm gonna getthrough today sober.
And God willing, I'm gonnacontinue this journey.
You know, I'll share a quickstory with you.
Um, I went and did uh atraining on Sunday called
(25:20):
Transcendental Meditation.
And and and I I've alwaysthought, well, yeah, I meditate,
you know, I listen to somestuff and probably fall asleep.
So not I, you know, I didn'treally know much about
meditation, but that is, youknow, part of the part of the
deal is prayer meditation.
And it's something I haven'tfocused a whole lot on.
(25:40):
And so I decided to go learnfrom a a private teacher on
Sunday.
And it's really wild.
It's wild what's happened justin the last four days.
Now, this is not an overnightfix, this is not a solution to
(26:01):
all your problems, but it's apiece of the puzzle that I was
missing.
And I meditate twice a day for20 minutes each time.
And I'm not gonna go into thespecifics of how it's done and
all that stuff.
You can look into it if youwant to, or or you can just do
it on your own, or whatever youfeel like you need to do.
(26:23):
You know, and I tried doing iton my own, but that didn't
really work.
Like a lot of things in mylife, when I try to do them on
my own, I'm not very successful.
But when I ask for help and I'mwilling to accept that help and
be open-minded and realize Idon't know everything, I don't
(26:49):
know jack shit when it comes toa lot of things.
And I've learned is to behonest and say, you know, I just
don't have the answers, and I'mnot sure there's anything else
that I can really do sometimes,is just open my mind and ask for
(27:12):
help.
Ask for God's guidance.
And here's the crazy part if Iask for God's guidance and I
allow Him to work in my life,that's when things get a bit
easier, that's when thingsbecome a little clearer.
But as soon as I want to takeback that control and try to run
(27:38):
things my way, the show doesn'tcome off very well.
And you know, some days I dothat, some days I take my will
back and I decide I'm gonna doit my way.
I'm gonna stress out about thisthing, I'm gonna control the
outcome of this thing, I'm gonnahave expectations on this human
(28:02):
being that's going to let medown.
And then I can have aresentment, and it's a cycle.
And it's hard to get out ofthat cycle, but I can assure you
once you see the results ofpracticing these things in all
areas of your life, it changes.
(28:23):
And I can't explain it.
I don't know what the secretsauce is.
So I have to do all the piecesthat make up the sauce because
I'm not sure which one today isgoing to be the one that works.
And so I am fairly disciplinedin all areas of my life.
(28:44):
I'm disciplined with my diet,I'm desperate, disciplined with
my exercise, I'm disciplinedwith work, I'm disciplined with
my recovery.
And it's not easy.
It's a lot of balls to juggle.
But man, it's a lot easier thantrying to do it on my own.
(29:04):
And uh I think my message todayto you is if you are struggling
with some sort of addiction,you know, there's a thousand
12-step programs out there thatyou can look into.
Now, I can't I can't speak buton a couple of them, because I
haven't been in all of them.
(29:25):
But I know where I've found asolution, and that's in a
program of recovery.
And you know, the other thingthat I think is really important
is it's very lonely when you'rein addiction.
And I mean when I say lonely,it is a very isolated, dark
(29:47):
place.
And there's one thing that Ilove about being in recovery is
the community aspect of it.
You know, I used to hate goingto meetings because I was always
looking to see what I'd get outof it.
And now I look forward to goingto meetings because I like to
(30:09):
give back.
And sometimes I don't give backby sharing or talking or, you
know, uh, well, yeah, sharing.
Sometimes I'm able to give backby just listening.
And sometimes that's my part inthat particular environment
that day.
And you'll know when the righttime is for you to talk.
(30:37):
And don't for you don't need toforce it.
You don't need to be theshining star of the room, you
don't need to be the leader ofthe crazy bus.
You don't need to be the kingof the castle, you don't need to
be the damn cool kid in a groupof people that are trying to
recover from drugs and alcohol.
You just don't.
But a lot of people think wedo.
And I fell into that trap forsure when I first got in.
(30:58):
You know, I thought I needed tosay the right thing.
So you would hear me and thinkI'm cool and like me and accept
me in.
It just does the opposite ofthat because the people that
have been there for longer thanyou realize you're full of shit,
man.
And you don't realize thatuntil you've been around the
block for a minute.
But uh once you do realize thatyou take somebody under your
(31:24):
wing and you start working withthem, and you can kind of guide
them in a way that nobody maybeguided you, or maybe they tried
to guide you and you didn'tlisten, which is probably what
happened with me, you know,because I knew everything.
You know, I didn't need to be.
There.
I wasn't one of these guys thatneeded this program.
(31:46):
And uh boy was I wrong aboutthat.
Boy was I wrong about that.
It was, you know, it's veryhumbling to tell somebody that
you're an alcoholic.
It's hard to do.
(32:07):
Because everything inside ofyou says, I'm not that person.
But likely, if you're in a roomof recovering people, you're
that person.
And guess what?
Everybody else in that room,whether they look like you or
they don't, they're just likeyou.
You're all there for the samereason.
(32:28):
And that's to figure out how tostop drinking and live a better
life.
And the benefits that come fromthat are massive.
And so if you if you've enjoyedthis conversation today, I
would encourage you to share itwith somebody that may need to
(32:50):
hear it.
Share it in one of the recoveryFacebook groups because there's
a lot of people in there thatare struggling.
You know, they'll get a day ortwo sober and then they relapse.
Or they'll have 30 days soberand they're on top of the world
and then they relapse.
Or maybe they have six monthsor a year or six years and they
relapse.
(33:11):
Those people need help too.
Everybody needs help in somearea of their life.
You just got to be willing toask for it and accept it.
And that's a hard thing to do.
If you're a man, it's a hardthing to do to ask another man
(33:31):
for help.
But it's the most liberatingthing you've ever you'll ever
do.
Because when you open up andyou allow people in and they can
see your true self, you takethe mask off, people then can
(33:52):
help you.
And people do want to help you.
No matter what you might think.
When I have somebody call witha problem, and I can listen to
that that problem or that issueor that struggle and share my
experience, strength, and hopewith them, in hopes that they
(34:17):
can see themselves inside of meand and that my story maybe
helps them not look so not feelso bad about themselves.
Because that's happened to me amillion times.
And I think to myself, I don'twant to call this person and
tell them I'm heartbroken.
I don't want to call thisperson and tell them I lost my
(34:38):
job.
I don't want to call thisperson and tell them I am on the
struggle bus.
But without a doubt, when I do,I get the in, I get, I get
exactly what I need.
And, you know, at first I dofeel like a burden sometimes.
(35:00):
But at the end of the day, itnever turns out that way.
You know, when you want toreach, if you decide you're
going to reach out to someone,you're going to help them more
than more than they're going tohelp you.
And that's also a hard conceptto grasp.
But take it from a guy that'ssat in the pain and not picked
up the phone and called someone.
(35:21):
And also from the same guy thatdecided I didn't want to feel
this pain anymore.
So I pick up a phone and I callpeople and I share with them
where I'm at and how I'mfeeling.
Because that's the solution forme.
And I'm not saying they alwayssay what I want to hear because
that's not the case.
I call people that are going totell me the truth.
(35:42):
Sometimes that truth is hard tohear.
So please share this withsomebody that you think needs to
hear it.
I appreciate you guys.
Subscribe to the podcast if youhaven't already.
Um, if you enjoyed this, leaveus a review.
(36:04):
And uh check out that TMMeditation.
It's really, really dope.
It's called TranscendentalMeditation.
And there is something about itspecial.
So, guys, I appreciate you.
This drops every Friday morningat 4 a.m.
sharp, and we'll see you nextweek.
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