October 10, 2025 • 35 mins
The hardest truth we learned in recovery wasn’t about alcohol—it was about control. For years we tried to push, persuade, and rescue our way into peace, only to end up exhausted and resentful. Then two small words flipped everything: let them. Let them choose. Let them stay. Let them go. Let them misunderstand. And let us choose our peace, our boundaries, and our focus.
We explore how the “Let Them” Theory reframes love, leadership, and sobriety without sliding into passivity. Control looks like care, but it’s fear wearing a friendly mask. We share real stories of trying to fix partners, employees, and friends, and how accepting people’s agency made room for real connection—and for those who are actually aligned to step in. You’ll hear why love without boundaries becomes chaos, how rescuing steals growth, and why allowing people to be wrong about you is a fast track to freedom. We also unpack the surprising link between addiction and control, and why quiet consistency becomes more influential than any speech.
If you’ve ever felt responsible for everyone else’s choices—or felt triggered when they ignore your advice—take our practical tool with you: the Five Whys. Keep asking why until you move from blame to root-cause truth. Paired with surrender and spiritual trust, this shift calms your nervous system, clarifies what’s yours to carry, and helps you stop arguing with reality. Let them live their story while you live yours—with integrity, compassion, and clear boundaries.
If this resonated, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs lighter shoulders and clearer lines. What will you finally let go of today?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
CoreyBerrier (00:00):
Welcome to the Successful Life Podcast.
I'm your host, Corey Berrier.
And today we're going to talkabout the myth of making people
change.
You know, I used to think Icould get people to change.
(00:20):
I used to think I could makepeople change.
You know, if I said the rightwords, if I gave the right
advice.
If I pushed hard enough, they'dfinally get it.
They would see what I saw, feelwhat I felt, and fix what I
(00:41):
thought was broken.
That belief drained me.
It made me resentful, angry,and constantly disappointed.
Because no matter how hard Itried, people didn't change on
my timeline.
(01:01):
Or in the way that I wantedthem to change.
And so I'm going to share.
Um I came across something by alady named Mel Robbins, and she
calls it the Let Them Theory.
(01:24):
You may have heard of her book.
It's called The Let ThemTheory.
And those two simple words, letthem, flipped my entire
approach to relationships, anyrelationship.
(01:46):
So let them be who they are,let them act how they want to
act.
Let them choose what they wantto choose.
Because the more you try tocontrol someone, the more you
lose yourself.
And the crazy thing is, onceyou let go of all of that, once
(02:06):
you stop trying to force peopleto change, they sometimes
change.
Because the more you uh well,the but not because you pushed
harder, right?
It's because you stoppedpushing, and uh so that's what
(02:30):
this episode is about learninghow to let people be so you can
be more free.
You know, I used to wear myselfout trying to fix people,
employees, friends, romanticrelationships, health, anybody,
(02:54):
right?
And I thought it was me tryingto show how much I loved that
person.
I thought it was leadership ifwe're talking about employees,
but really what that was wascontrol.
You know, when you try to makepeople change, you're you you
(03:14):
take on a role that's not yours.
You become the director, thescript writer, the judge of
somebody uh of somebody else'smovie.
And they didn't audition forthat role.
You know, the result is youexhaust yourself, they resent
(03:40):
you, and nothing actuallychanges.
So think about when you ifyou're you know, if you're
dating an addict or you'remarried to an addict, and you've
done everything you can thinkof to try to get that person to
change, and it never works.
It doesn't matter how much youlove them, they're not gonna
change until they're ready.
(04:01):
You can't make people want whatthey don't want.
And when I stopped fightingpeople's resistance, I realized
most of my frustration wasn'teven about them, it was about my
(04:21):
own need to control.
You know, I wanted people tobehave in ways that made me more
comfortable.
But the truth is, you know,real leadership, real love isn't
control, it's acceptance, whichis one of the things that we
(04:43):
talk about a lot in recovery isacceptance.
So the let them theory soundssimple, but what it really is is
a masterclass on emotionalintelligence, emotional freedom.
(05:04):
And when you're you know, whenyou say let them, you're saying
I'm done begging people to seemy value.
I'm done trying to convincepeople to respect me, I'm done
chasing people who don't chooseme.
Let them walk away, let themmisunderstand you, let them be
(05:30):
inconsistent.
You don't have to convinceanyone to stay who doesn't want
to.
That could be an employee, thatcould be a relationship, could
be a friend.
And here's what's wild when youstart letting people go their
own way, you make space forthose who actually are in
alignment with you.
So imagine carrying a heavybackpack of other people's
(05:57):
expectations.
So every time you try to fixsomeone, you throw another brick
inside that backpack.
And the moment you take thatbackpack off, you can breathe.
You can and and think about howmuch lighter you will feel if
(06:21):
if you were just life was alittle bit more simpler, right?
The other half of that let themtheory is something most people
miss.
It's not just let them, it'salso let me be me.
Let people choose what theywant and let me choose to be
peaceful, let them talk shitabout me, let me stay focused,
(06:46):
right?
Let them drift, let me detachwith grace.
That's where the real changehappens.
Not when you change them, butwhen you change your response.
And I had that space I wastalking about, and the ability
(07:18):
to start asking, what do I want?
What's actually mine to carry,and what's none of my business,
and when you let them, it freesyou from the illusion of
(07:38):
control, it brings you back toyour center.
Now it does this doesn't meanthat you tolerate abuse or
neglect or disrespect.
That's a difference betweenthere's a big difference between
(08:04):
letting people be themselvesand letting them mistreat you.
If someone crosses yourboundaries, you have to let them
go, not keep hurting you.
You know, I had to learn thisthe hard way.
I used to confuse being passivewith being peaceful, but peace
(08:27):
isn't passive.
Peace is power under control,and sometimes letting go of
someone is the most loving thingthat you can do for you and for
them.
So the question becomes, whatare you, you know, where are you
(08:49):
focusing?
What are you focusing on?
Who are you who are you forcingto stay around that they don't
really need to be around?
You know, who are you, youknow, where are you ref, I
guess, refusing to let yourselflive free?
(09:10):
That's a hard question, but Ithink it's one that should be
asked.
You know, and control andaddiction go hand in hand.
It's the illusion of power, iswhat it is.
When I was drinking, I thoughtcontrol was power.
I controlled how I appeared toother people, how much they
(09:35):
knew, what I let them see.
I controlled conversations,deflected questions, managed
every story so I wouldn't haveto face the truth.
But the truth was I wascompletely out of control.
You know, addiction and controlare twins, both born out of
(09:57):
fear.
Fear of being seen, fear ofrejection, fear of being
powerless.
And the drink gave me theillusion that I was in control
of how I felt, just like I triedto control how people acted
around me.
(10:17):
Both were lies.
You know, this let them theorydidn't just free me from trying
to fix people, it freed me fromtrying to fix my pain through
control.
You know, I had to learn thehardest lesson of all.
(10:42):
The more you try to control,the more you lose.
When I first got, you know,when I first got sober, I wanted
everybody around me to changeas well.
I thought if they drank, Iwould drink.
If they didn't understandrecovery, they didn't belong in
my life.
And man, that caused a lot oftension.
(11:03):
You know, I was trying to pulleveryone into my onto my path,
my rules, my lifestyle.
But I was just recreating thesame control I lived in during
addiction.
Same exact thing.
Until I learned this, let themtheory, let them drink, let them
(11:27):
not understand, let them talkbehind my back, let them live
their own life.
Because my my sobriety doesn'tdepend on their choices, it
depends on my choices, and thatwas a turning point for me.
I stopped fighting everybodyelse's behavior and started
focusing on my own, you know.
(11:50):
And the minute I stopped tryingto fix everybody else, I became
more peaceful.
You know, control made me arescuer.
Uh I couldn't stand watchingpeople struggle.
I jump in, overcommit, try tofix everything.
(12:11):
But in recovery, I realizedpeople need to hit their own
their own bottom.
I mean, I had to hit my ownbottom.
And no one could save me untilI was ready to save myself.
(12:32):
So now when I see someone goingdown the path that looks
familiar, I just take a breathand just say, let them go on
their own path, let them fall,let them learn, let them find
their own truth.
Because if you rob someone oftheir pain, you also rob them of
(12:56):
their power.
And when I stopped rescuingeveryone, I started healing
myself.
I stopped bleeding energy intoother people's shit.
And the beautiful thing is someof them did change, but it
wasn't because I pushed them, itwasn't because it was because I
(13:19):
showed up differently andmodeled a more peaceful human
being, truthfully.
And there's a saying inrecovery: when you get better,
not everyone comes with you.
And that's the truth.
And that hit me hard, and itwas true for me.
(13:41):
You know, some people I drankwith couldn't be around, you
know, the sober me.
Others didn't like the newboundaries I had set up.
And then some just kind offaded away.
And the old me would havebegged them to stay.
I'd have, I would haveexplained, justified, convinced,
(14:03):
negotiated.
I mean, I'm a sales guy.
So now just I just say letthem, right?
Let them leave, let them thinkwhat they want, let them live
their own story while I livemine.
Because here's what I'velearned if someone absence
brings you peace, you didn'tlose anything.
(14:24):
And this theory isn't justabout letting people go, it's
about letting go of the versionof yourself that needed their
approval.
Let that sink in.
And that's where the growthbegins.
So one of the hardest one ofthe hardest lessons I had to
(14:48):
learn in recovery was that lovewithout well, love without
boundaries isn't really love.
It's chaos, which I was prettydamn used to.
And when I was drinking, I hadno boundaries.
I said yes when I really wantedto say no.
(15:09):
I forgave people before I evenrealized how much pain it was
causing me.
I'd let people walk all over mejust so I wouldn't feel
rejected.
And when I stopped drinking, Ithought I was finally strong,
(15:29):
but without boundaries, I wasstill exhausted, still
resentful, still angry thatpeople didn't respect the limits
that I never communicated tothem.
You know, when somebody pushesyour boundaries, that's okay.
Let them let them reveal whothey are and then let me decide
(15:54):
what I will and won't allow.
And that's not saying that youdon't love that person.
It's saying that I've I'm gonnaput a fence around me.
I'm gonna put a fence aroundthe love that I show other
people, and it's not control.
It's for me, it's clarity.
And when you're, you know, whenyou're new in recovery,
(16:17):
everybody has opinions.
Family tells you what to do,friends tell you what to do,
test your boundaries, peoplewant to tempt you.
Not because they're trying tobe um malicious, but they're
just ignorant.
You know, I used to waste somuch energy trying to make
people understand my sobriety.
(16:38):
You know, I just can't really,I you know, I just can't have
one.
They'd push back.
I'd over-explain, argue,justify.
Until I learned this, and Ijust said to myself, let them
think whatever they want.
Let them think I'm boring, letthem think I'm too serious, let
them not understand because myrecovery isn't a group project,
(17:02):
it's mine.
And the moment I stoppeddefending my choices, I stopped
feeling triggered.
You know, I realized thatprotecting myself, myself,
mattered more than convincinganyone of anything, including
you.
You know, letting go of controldoesn't apply to others.
(17:26):
It it also applies to emotionsas well.
So when I was drinking, Iavoided feelings like the
plague.
I felt anger, I drank.
I felt guilt, I drank.
If I felt sadness, guess what?
I drink.
And recovery has taught me thatfeelings aren't fatal.
(17:49):
Feelings are for me, they areteachers.
So now when somebody's angry atme, let them be angry.
I don't jump in to try to provemy point or fix it.
When someone's disappointed,that's okay.
Let them be disappointed.
It's not my job to manage theiremotions.
(18:12):
When I let them feel what theyfeel, I get to feel what I feel.
I stop reacting and startresponding.
You know, there's a saying thatI love you can't teach people
by lecturing them, you teachthem by living differently.
(18:35):
And when I was drinking, Itried to control how people saw
me.
Now I try to hopefully inspirepeople by how I live.
You know, I think this theory,I don't think, this theory has
reshaped how I lead at work, athome, even in my recovery
(18:56):
circles.
I stopped trying to changepeople through pressure.
Instead, I started living mymessage quietly and
consistently.
Now it's not that quiet here onthe podcast, but that's a
different story, I suppose.
You know, when you when youchange your mindset, people
notice.
They see that you're calmer,they you have boundaries, they
(19:21):
see that you're happier, andthey start to think maybe, maybe
this sobriety thing works.
Maybe I should try the samething.
And that's really how peoplechange.
Not when you tell them to, thatnever works, but when they
watch you transform and realizethey can do it too.
(19:43):
If a guy like me can do it,dude, anybody can do it.
And that's the that's the God'shonest truth.
You know, one of the one of thehardest lessons for me in
recovery was learning to letpeople be wrong about me.
When I got sober, not everybodyunderstood.
(20:06):
Some people thought it was aphase, others said, Corey,
you've changed too much or youhaven't changed enough.
And at first, I tried toexplain myself to everyone.
I'd over-clarify, I'dover-apologize, over-compensate.
I wanted people to see myheart, but but here's what I
(20:30):
learned when someone'sdetermined to misunderstand you,
there's nothing you can saythat'll change their mind.
So let them, right?
Let them talk shit, let themmisunderstand you, let them have
their own version of yourstory.
Because the truth doesn't needdefending, it just needs some
(20:52):
time for you to keep showing upyour authentic self, you know.
In addiction, dude, I collectedresentments like trophies.
Every wrong, every betrayal,every time somebody didn't show
up for me, I held on to it.
You know, and I realized slowlyafter I got sober, resentment
(21:20):
was just a poison that I keptdrinking hoping it would hurt
somebody else.
And how crazy is that?
You know, this let them theoryhas taught me to forgive people,
not as a gift to others, but afreedom for myself.
Let them go.
Like let them off the hook, letthem live their own story
(21:42):
because I need to live mine.
And forgiveness doesn't meanyou invite them back into your
life, it just means that you nolonger control, they no longer
control your peace.
You don't need an apology toheal.
You just need to stop waitingfor an apology.
(22:05):
You know, let yourself behuman.
One of the biggest challenges Ifaced in recovery is forgiving
myself.
You know, I used to thinkrecovery meant perfection, no
mistakes, no slip-ups, no baddays.
But that's just not how myrecovery worked.
(22:29):
You know, that's just a lot ofpressure disguised as progress,
if you will.
So now I have to remind myselfI need to let myself be human
and let them be human.
Some days I'm centered, somedays I'm short-tempered, some
(22:49):
days I feel grateful.
I do feel grateful everymorning.
And then there's days I feelrestless, and that's just
freaking life, dude.
That's life, that's growth.
The goal isn't to never fall,is to get up faster and softer
and wiser each time.
(23:09):
And here's the spiritual sideof of let them let them become
let go and let God.
When I stopped, when I tried tocontrol people, I was playing
God, deciding what other peopleneed to do and how they should
(23:33):
act and who they should become.
Recovery taught me tosurrender, like real surrender.
Not giving up.
That's not what I'm talkingabout, but giving it over.
Let people live, let them learntheir own lessons, let them
walk their own path, and trustthat whatever is meant for you
(23:56):
won't pass you by.
You know, that surrender, thatspiritual trust is what finally
gave me peace of mind.
It's what allowed me to stopforcing, stop clinging, stop
well, and start flowing.
You've heard people talk aboutbeing in flow.
You know when you're in flowand when you're not, and you
(24:21):
can't force being in flow, frommy experience.
You know, there's a lot offreedom in acceptance in
acceptance.
I spent most of my life tryingto change people who didn't want
to change.
And in the process, I becamethe one who needed changing.
(24:43):
Now, you know, freedom to memeans I don't need people to act
a certain way for me to beokay.
When I just let them, likereally let them be who they are.
I stopped arguing, I stoppedarguing with reality, I stopped
(25:05):
fighting life.
Freedom isn't found in control,it's found in acceptance.
And when you get to that place,your nervous system finally
relaxes, you can breathe.
Your energy isn't scattered ina hundred different directions,
(25:27):
and you realize I'm free becauseI'm no longer trying to force
the thing I've been trying toforce.
You know, I used to thinkinfluence meant persuading
people, and sometimes it doesmean that.
But in this context, it doesn'tmean persuading people,
(25:48):
convincing people, inspiringthem, dragging them toward a
better version of themselvesdoesn't work.
You know, real influence isquiet, how you carry yourself,
consistency, discipline, it'sintegrity when nobody else is
watching.
You know, when I stoppedpreaching recovery and just did
(26:12):
recovery, people started askingquestions.
When I stopped telling peoplehow to live and just showed up
like the person you see today,they people start to lean in,
they start asking you questions.
You know, when you stop tryingto change people, your peace
(26:34):
becomes magnetic.
You start influencing withoutany effort.
You know, this theory of letthem turn into a lifestyle.
It's no longer aboutrelationships, it's about
identity.
You know, let people bejudgmental, I'll be
(26:56):
compassionate.
Let people rush, I'll move withpurpose, let them gossip, I'll
guard myself with peace, letthem doubt me, I'll keep showing
up.
Because the most liberatingtruth I've learned in recovery
is that my life is mine to live,not theirs to approve.
(27:18):
And when I live that truthevery day, one decision at a
time, one day at a time, I don'tneed permission anymore.
I just need alignment.
The let them theory isn't aboutindifference, it's about deep
(27:40):
respect, respect for others, andrespect for yourself.
You know, today I trust life, Itrust growth, I trust timing.
You know, I stopped trying tobe the sculptor of everyone
(28:01):
else's destiny and finallybecame the artist of my own.
You know, picture yourselfstanding in a field at sunrise,
and around you are all thepeople, the situations, the
outcomes you've tried to controlone by one.
(28:24):
You unclench your fist, youopen your hands, and just say to
yourself, let them.
And in that moment, everythingyou've been chasing starts to
move towards you naturally.
It's the laws of the universebecause peace is magnetic.
You can't make people change,but you can make yourself free,
(28:53):
you can be more grounded,steady.
And the people that are meantto grow with you can't help but
to rise with you, grow with you,and that's the miracle of
letting them do their own thing,and that's the power I'm
talking about.
That's the freedom.
(29:14):
And so before we wrap up, Iwant to leave you with a quick
tool that's helped me turnawareness into actual change,
and it's called the five wisemethod.
Wise is uh W-H-Y-S.
It sometimes sounds like I sayW-I-S-E, but it's wise.
(29:35):
Like, why am I doing this?
It's simple, but it you know,it changed how I saw everything.
And the idea is whenever you'reupset or feeling controlling or
triggered or trying to fixsomeone else, don't ask what's
wrong with them.
Ask why it's bothering you.
And keep asking that questionuntil you get to the root of it.
(29:58):
And here's How it works, youknow.
Why am I pissed off?
Because they didn't listen.
Why does that bother me?
Because I wanted to help them.
Why do I need or why do I needthem to take my help?
Because if they do, I feeluseful.
Why do I need to feel useful?
Because I'm scared of beingirrelevant.
(30:20):
Why do I fear being irrelevant?
Because deep down I still tiemy worth to being needed.
And right there, boom, that'sthe truth.
It was never about them, it wasabout me.
You know, every why takes youfrom control to clarity.
(30:45):
And by that fifth why, youstopped blaming others and
started understanding yourself.
And in recovery, this toolbecame a mirror.
Every resentment, every relapsethought, every urge to manage
someone else's shit.
It all had a deeper root.
(31:06):
You know, and these this fivewhys helped me figure all that
out, face it, and let it go.
So the next time you feeltriggered, don't react.
Get curious.
Sit still, take a deep breath,and ask, why is this really
bothering me?
(31:27):
Ask again and again and againuntil you reach the answer, and
it's always going to come backto you.
You know, that's where changehappens.
Not when others do what youwant them to do, but when you
finally see why you wanted themto do it in the first place, let
(31:51):
them be who they are.
Let yourself understand why youcare.
And then you can choose tohandle things differently.
So this has been a verypowerful thing in my life.
Go check out Mel Robbins' book,The Let Them Theory.
(32:13):
It's amazing.
It is probably going toresonate with you.
If you listen to this podcast,you need to go check out her
book.
It's a it's it's phenomenal.
So look, I appreciate youhanging with me on this Friday.
I appreciate if it is Friday,whatever day it is for you.
This comes out every Friday at4 a.m.
(32:35):
And so if you could subscribeto the podcast, leave us a
review, share it with somebodythat maybe needs to hear this.
And I know this was a deepconversation today, but I think
it was important.
Obviously, I thought it wasimportant enough to have a
conversation about it with you.
So go back and re listen to itand go listen to her book or
(32:58):
read her book, whichever you sochoose.
And we'll see you next Friday.
Welcome to the Successful Life Podcast.
I'm your host, Corey Berrier.
And today we're going to talkabout the myth of making people
change.
You know, I used to think Icould get people to change.
(00:20):
I used to think I could makepeople change.
You know, if I said the rightwords, if I gave the right
advice.
If I pushed hard enough, they'dfinally get it.
They would see what I saw, feelwhat I felt, and fix what I
(00:41):
thought was broken.
That belief drained me.
It made me resentful, angry,and constantly disappointed.
Because no matter how hard Itried, people didn't change on
my timeline.
(01:01):
Or in the way that I wantedthem to change.
And so I'm going to share.
Um I came across something by alady named Mel Robbins, and she
calls it the Let Them Theory.
(01:24):
You may have heard of her book.
It's called The Let ThemTheory.
And those two simple words, letthem, flipped my entire
approach to relationships, anyrelationship.
(01:46):
So let them be who they are,let them act how they want to
act.
Let them choose what they wantto choose.
Because the more you try tocontrol someone, the more you
lose yourself.
And the crazy thing is, onceyou let go of all of that, once
(02:06):
you stop trying to force peopleto change, they sometimes
change.
Because the more you uh well,the but not because you pushed
harder, right?
It's because you stoppedpushing, and uh so that's what
(02:30):
this episode is about learninghow to let people be so you can
be more free.
You know, I used to wear myselfout trying to fix people,
employees, friends, romanticrelationships, health, anybody,
(02:54):
right?
And I thought it was me tryingto show how much I loved that
person.
I thought it was leadership ifwe're talking about employees,
but really what that was wascontrol.
You know, when you try to makepeople change, you're you you
(03:14):
take on a role that's not yours.
You become the director, thescript writer, the judge of
somebody uh of somebody else'smovie.
And they didn't audition forthat role.
You know, the result is youexhaust yourself, they resent
(03:40):
you, and nothing actuallychanges.
So think about when you ifyou're you know, if you're
dating an addict or you'remarried to an addict, and you've
done everything you can thinkof to try to get that person to
change, and it never works.
It doesn't matter how much youlove them, they're not gonna
change until they're ready.
(04:01):
You can't make people want whatthey don't want.
And when I stopped fightingpeople's resistance, I realized
most of my frustration wasn'teven about them, it was about my
(04:21):
own need to control.
You know, I wanted people tobehave in ways that made me more
comfortable.
But the truth is, you know,real leadership, real love isn't
control, it's acceptance, whichis one of the things that we
(04:43):
talk about a lot in recovery isacceptance.
So the let them theory soundssimple, but what it really is is
a masterclass on emotionalintelligence, emotional freedom.
(05:04):
And when you're you know, whenyou say let them, you're saying
I'm done begging people to seemy value.
I'm done trying to convincepeople to respect me, I'm done
chasing people who don't chooseme.
Let them walk away, let themmisunderstand you, let them be
(05:30):
inconsistent.
You don't have to convinceanyone to stay who doesn't want
to.
That could be an employee, thatcould be a relationship, could
be a friend.
And here's what's wild when youstart letting people go their
own way, you make space forthose who actually are in
alignment with you.
So imagine carrying a heavybackpack of other people's
(05:57):
expectations.
So every time you try to fixsomeone, you throw another brick
inside that backpack.
And the moment you take thatbackpack off, you can breathe.
You can and and think about howmuch lighter you will feel if
(06:21):
if you were just life was alittle bit more simpler, right?
The other half of that let themtheory is something most people
miss.
It's not just let them, it'salso let me be me.
Let people choose what theywant and let me choose to be
peaceful, let them talk shitabout me, let me stay focused,
(06:46):
right?
Let them drift, let me detachwith grace.
That's where the real changehappens.
Not when you change them, butwhen you change your response.
And I had that space I wastalking about, and the ability
(07:18):
to start asking, what do I want?
What's actually mine to carry,and what's none of my business,
and when you let them, it freesyou from the illusion of
(07:38):
control, it brings you back toyour center.
Now it does this doesn't meanthat you tolerate abuse or
neglect or disrespect.
That's a difference betweenthere's a big difference between
(08:04):
letting people be themselvesand letting them mistreat you.
If someone crosses yourboundaries, you have to let them
go, not keep hurting you.
You know, I had to learn thisthe hard way.
I used to confuse being passivewith being peaceful, but peace
(08:27):
isn't passive.
Peace is power under control,and sometimes letting go of
someone is the most loving thingthat you can do for you and for
them.
So the question becomes, whatare you, you know, where are you
(08:49):
focusing?
What are you focusing on?
Who are you who are you forcingto stay around that they don't
really need to be around?
You know, who are you, youknow, where are you ref, I
guess, refusing to let yourselflive free?
(09:10):
That's a hard question, but Ithink it's one that should be
asked.
You know, and control andaddiction go hand in hand.
It's the illusion of power, iswhat it is.
When I was drinking, I thoughtcontrol was power.
I controlled how I appeared toother people, how much they
(09:35):
knew, what I let them see.
I controlled conversations,deflected questions, managed
every story so I wouldn't haveto face the truth.
But the truth was I wascompletely out of control.
You know, addiction and controlare twins, both born out of
(09:57):
fear.
Fear of being seen, fear ofrejection, fear of being
powerless.
And the drink gave me theillusion that I was in control
of how I felt, just like I triedto control how people acted
around me.
(10:17):
Both were lies.
You know, this let them theorydidn't just free me from trying
to fix people, it freed me fromtrying to fix my pain through
control.
You know, I had to learn thehardest lesson of all.
(10:42):
The more you try to control,the more you lose.
When I first got, you know,when I first got sober, I wanted
everybody around me to changeas well.
I thought if they drank, Iwould drink.
If they didn't understandrecovery, they didn't belong in
my life.
And man, that caused a lot oftension.
(11:03):
You know, I was trying to pulleveryone into my onto my path,
my rules, my lifestyle.
But I was just recreating thesame control I lived in during
addiction.
Same exact thing.
Until I learned this, let themtheory, let them drink, let them
(11:27):
not understand, let them talkbehind my back, let them live
their own life.
Because my my sobriety doesn'tdepend on their choices, it
depends on my choices, and thatwas a turning point for me.
I stopped fighting everybodyelse's behavior and started
focusing on my own, you know.
(11:50):
And the minute I stopped tryingto fix everybody else, I became
more peaceful.
You know, control made me arescuer.
Uh I couldn't stand watchingpeople struggle.
I jump in, overcommit, try tofix everything.
(12:11):
But in recovery, I realizedpeople need to hit their own
their own bottom.
I mean, I had to hit my ownbottom.
And no one could save me untilI was ready to save myself.
(12:32):
So now when I see someone goingdown the path that looks
familiar, I just take a breathand just say, let them go on
their own path, let them fall,let them learn, let them find
their own truth.
Because if you rob someone oftheir pain, you also rob them of
(12:56):
their power.
And when I stopped rescuingeveryone, I started healing
myself.
I stopped bleeding energy intoother people's shit.
And the beautiful thing is someof them did change, but it
wasn't because I pushed them, itwasn't because it was because I
(13:19):
showed up differently andmodeled a more peaceful human
being, truthfully.
And there's a saying inrecovery: when you get better,
not everyone comes with you.
And that's the truth.
And that hit me hard, and itwas true for me.
(13:41):
You know, some people I drankwith couldn't be around, you
know, the sober me.
Others didn't like the newboundaries I had set up.
And then some just kind offaded away.
And the old me would havebegged them to stay.
I'd have, I would haveexplained, justified, convinced,
(14:03):
negotiated.
I mean, I'm a sales guy.
So now just I just say letthem, right?
Let them leave, let them thinkwhat they want, let them live
their own story while I livemine.
Because here's what I'velearned if someone absence
brings you peace, you didn'tlose anything.
(14:24):
And this theory isn't justabout letting people go, it's
about letting go of the versionof yourself that needed their
approval.
Let that sink in.
And that's where the growthbegins.
So one of the hardest one ofthe hardest lessons I had to
(14:48):
learn in recovery was that lovewithout well, love without
boundaries isn't really love.
It's chaos, which I was prettydamn used to.
And when I was drinking, I hadno boundaries.
I said yes when I really wantedto say no.
(15:09):
I forgave people before I evenrealized how much pain it was
causing me.
I'd let people walk all over mejust so I wouldn't feel
rejected.
And when I stopped drinking, Ithought I was finally strong,
(15:29):
but without boundaries, I wasstill exhausted, still
resentful, still angry thatpeople didn't respect the limits
that I never communicated tothem.
You know, when somebody pushesyour boundaries, that's okay.
Let them let them reveal whothey are and then let me decide
(15:54):
what I will and won't allow.
And that's not saying that youdon't love that person.
It's saying that I've I'm gonnaput a fence around me.
I'm gonna put a fence aroundthe love that I show other
people, and it's not control.
It's for me, it's clarity.
And when you're, you know, whenyou're new in recovery,
(16:17):
everybody has opinions.
Family tells you what to do,friends tell you what to do,
test your boundaries, peoplewant to tempt you.
Not because they're trying tobe um malicious, but they're
just ignorant.
You know, I used to waste somuch energy trying to make
people understand my sobriety.
(16:38):
You know, I just can't really,I you know, I just can't have
one.
They'd push back.
I'd over-explain, argue,justify.
Until I learned this, and Ijust said to myself, let them
think whatever they want.
Let them think I'm boring, letthem think I'm too serious, let
them not understand because myrecovery isn't a group project,
(17:02):
it's mine.
And the moment I stoppeddefending my choices, I stopped
feeling triggered.
You know, I realized thatprotecting myself, myself,
mattered more than convincinganyone of anything, including
you.
You know, letting go of controldoesn't apply to others.
(17:26):
It it also applies to emotionsas well.
So when I was drinking, Iavoided feelings like the
plague.
I felt anger, I drank.
I felt guilt, I drank.
If I felt sadness, guess what?
I drink.
And recovery has taught me thatfeelings aren't fatal.
(17:49):
Feelings are for me, they areteachers.
So now when somebody's angry atme, let them be angry.
I don't jump in to try to provemy point or fix it.
When someone's disappointed,that's okay.
Let them be disappointed.
It's not my job to manage theiremotions.
(18:12):
When I let them feel what theyfeel, I get to feel what I feel.
I stop reacting and startresponding.
You know, there's a saying thatI love you can't teach people
by lecturing them, you teachthem by living differently.
(18:35):
And when I was drinking, Itried to control how people saw
me.
Now I try to hopefully inspirepeople by how I live.
You know, I think this theory,I don't think, this theory has
reshaped how I lead at work, athome, even in my recovery
(18:56):
circles.
I stopped trying to changepeople through pressure.
Instead, I started living mymessage quietly and
consistently.
Now it's not that quiet here onthe podcast, but that's a
different story, I suppose.
You know, when you when youchange your mindset, people
notice.
They see that you're calmer,they you have boundaries, they
(19:21):
see that you're happier, andthey start to think maybe, maybe
this sobriety thing works.
Maybe I should try the samething.
And that's really how peoplechange.
Not when you tell them to, thatnever works, but when they
watch you transform and realizethey can do it too.
(19:43):
If a guy like me can do it,dude, anybody can do it.
And that's the that's the God'shonest truth.
You know, one of the one of thehardest lessons for me in
recovery was learning to letpeople be wrong about me.
When I got sober, not everybodyunderstood.
(20:06):
Some people thought it was aphase, others said, Corey,
you've changed too much or youhaven't changed enough.
And at first, I tried toexplain myself to everyone.
I'd over-clarify, I'dover-apologize, over-compensate.
I wanted people to see myheart, but but here's what I
(20:30):
learned when someone'sdetermined to misunderstand you,
there's nothing you can saythat'll change their mind.
So let them, right?
Let them talk shit, let themmisunderstand you, let them have
their own version of yourstory.
Because the truth doesn't needdefending, it just needs some
(20:52):
time for you to keep showing upyour authentic self, you know.
In addiction, dude, I collectedresentments like trophies.
Every wrong, every betrayal,every time somebody didn't show
up for me, I held on to it.
You know, and I realized slowlyafter I got sober, resentment
(21:20):
was just a poison that I keptdrinking hoping it would hurt
somebody else.
And how crazy is that?
You know, this let them theoryhas taught me to forgive people,
not as a gift to others, but afreedom for myself.
Let them go.
Like let them off the hook, letthem live their own story
(21:42):
because I need to live mine.
And forgiveness doesn't meanyou invite them back into your
life, it just means that you nolonger control, they no longer
control your peace.
You don't need an apology toheal.
You just need to stop waitingfor an apology.
(22:05):
You know, let yourself behuman.
One of the biggest challenges Ifaced in recovery is forgiving
myself.
You know, I used to thinkrecovery meant perfection, no
mistakes, no slip-ups, no baddays.
But that's just not how myrecovery worked.
(22:29):
You know, that's just a lot ofpressure disguised as progress,
if you will.
So now I have to remind myselfI need to let myself be human
and let them be human.
Some days I'm centered, somedays I'm short-tempered, some
(22:49):
days I feel grateful.
I do feel grateful everymorning.
And then there's days I feelrestless, and that's just
freaking life, dude.
That's life, that's growth.
The goal isn't to never fall,is to get up faster and softer
and wiser each time.
(23:09):
And here's the spiritual sideof of let them let them become
let go and let God.
When I stopped, when I tried tocontrol people, I was playing
God, deciding what other peopleneed to do and how they should
(23:33):
act and who they should become.
Recovery taught me tosurrender, like real surrender.
Not giving up.
That's not what I'm talkingabout, but giving it over.
Let people live, let them learntheir own lessons, let them
walk their own path, and trustthat whatever is meant for you
(23:56):
won't pass you by.
You know, that surrender, thatspiritual trust is what finally
gave me peace of mind.
It's what allowed me to stopforcing, stop clinging, stop
well, and start flowing.
You've heard people talk aboutbeing in flow.
You know when you're in flowand when you're not, and you
(24:21):
can't force being in flow, frommy experience.
You know, there's a lot offreedom in acceptance in
acceptance.
I spent most of my life tryingto change people who didn't want
to change.
And in the process, I becamethe one who needed changing.
(24:43):
Now, you know, freedom to memeans I don't need people to act
a certain way for me to beokay.
When I just let them, likereally let them be who they are.
I stopped arguing, I stoppedarguing with reality, I stopped
(25:05):
fighting life.
Freedom isn't found in control,it's found in acceptance.
And when you get to that place,your nervous system finally
relaxes, you can breathe.
Your energy isn't scattered ina hundred different directions,
(25:27):
and you realize I'm free becauseI'm no longer trying to force
the thing I've been trying toforce.
You know, I used to thinkinfluence meant persuading
people, and sometimes it doesmean that.
But in this context, it doesn'tmean persuading people,
(25:48):
convincing people, inspiringthem, dragging them toward a
better version of themselvesdoesn't work.
You know, real influence isquiet, how you carry yourself,
consistency, discipline, it'sintegrity when nobody else is
watching.
You know, when I stoppedpreaching recovery and just did
(26:12):
recovery, people started askingquestions.
When I stopped telling peoplehow to live and just showed up
like the person you see today,they people start to lean in,
they start asking you questions.
You know, when you stop tryingto change people, your peace
(26:34):
becomes magnetic.
You start influencing withoutany effort.
You know, this theory of letthem turn into a lifestyle.
It's no longer aboutrelationships, it's about
identity.
You know, let people bejudgmental, I'll be
(26:56):
compassionate.
Let people rush, I'll move withpurpose, let them gossip, I'll
guard myself with peace, letthem doubt me, I'll keep showing
up.
Because the most liberatingtruth I've learned in recovery
is that my life is mine to live,not theirs to approve.
(27:18):
And when I live that truthevery day, one decision at a
time, one day at a time, I don'tneed permission anymore.
I just need alignment.
The let them theory isn't aboutindifference, it's about deep
(27:40):
respect, respect for others, andrespect for yourself.
You know, today I trust life, Itrust growth, I trust timing.
You know, I stopped trying tobe the sculptor of everyone
(28:01):
else's destiny and finallybecame the artist of my own.
You know, picture yourselfstanding in a field at sunrise,
and around you are all thepeople, the situations, the
outcomes you've tried to controlone by one.
(28:24):
You unclench your fist, youopen your hands, and just say to
yourself, let them.
And in that moment, everythingyou've been chasing starts to
move towards you naturally.
It's the laws of the universebecause peace is magnetic.
You can't make people change,but you can make yourself free,
(28:53):
you can be more grounded,steady.
And the people that are meantto grow with you can't help but
to rise with you, grow with you,and that's the miracle of
letting them do their own thing,and that's the power I'm
talking about.
That's the freedom.
(29:14):
And so before we wrap up, Iwant to leave you with a quick
tool that's helped me turnawareness into actual change,
and it's called the five wisemethod.
Wise is uh W-H-Y-S.
It sometimes sounds like I sayW-I-S-E, but it's wise.
(29:35):
Like, why am I doing this?
It's simple, but it you know,it changed how I saw everything.
And the idea is whenever you'reupset or feeling controlling or
triggered or trying to fixsomeone else, don't ask what's
wrong with them.
Ask why it's bothering you.
And keep asking that questionuntil you get to the root of it.
(29:58):
And here's How it works, youknow.
Why am I pissed off?
Because they didn't listen.
Why does that bother me?
Because I wanted to help them.
Why do I need or why do I needthem to take my help?
Because if they do, I feeluseful.
Why do I need to feel useful?
Because I'm scared of beingirrelevant.
(30:20):
Why do I fear being irrelevant?
Because deep down I still tiemy worth to being needed.
And right there, boom, that'sthe truth.
It was never about them, it wasabout me.
You know, every why takes youfrom control to clarity.
(30:45):
And by that fifth why, youstopped blaming others and
started understanding yourself.
And in recovery, this toolbecame a mirror.
Every resentment, every relapsethought, every urge to manage
someone else's shit.
It all had a deeper root.
(31:06):
You know, and these this fivewhys helped me figure all that
out, face it, and let it go.
So the next time you feeltriggered, don't react.
Get curious.
Sit still, take a deep breath,and ask, why is this really
bothering me?
(31:27):
Ask again and again and againuntil you reach the answer, and
it's always going to come backto you.
You know, that's where changehappens.
Not when others do what youwant them to do, but when you
finally see why you wanted themto do it in the first place, let
(31:51):
them be who they are.
Let yourself understand why youcare.
And then you can choose tohandle things differently.
So this has been a verypowerful thing in my life.
Go check out Mel Robbins' book,The Let Them Theory.
(32:13):
It's amazing.
It is probably going toresonate with you.
If you listen to this podcast,you need to go check out her
book.
It's a it's it's phenomenal.
So look, I appreciate youhanging with me on this Friday.
I appreciate if it is Friday,whatever day it is for you.
This comes out every Friday at4 a.m.
(32:35):
And so if you could subscribeto the podcast, leave us a
review, share it with somebodythat maybe needs to hear this.
And I know this was a deepconversation today, but I think
it was important.
Obviously, I thought it wasimportant enough to have a
conversation about it with you.
So go back and re listen to itand go listen to her book or
(32:58):
read her book, whichever you sochoose.
And we'll see you next Friday.
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