How can you have a conversation with someone who has differing views than you do? How can you allow for the conflict that might ensue? Can you be understanding and compassionate? Or do you walk away? According to our guest today, author, therapist, and relationship expert Carolyn Sharp, there are ways to handle being triggered. This is a normal and natural response when we feel fear. If we can soften, it will ease the trigger, and we can begin to feel calmer.
Carolyn explains that if we learn to be curious, rather than judgmental, we can get through these intense moments. When we stay focused on just the facts, we disconnect from the curiosity. We can feel misunderstood and not heard. We can feel that people are not respecting us. This is prevalent in our country and especially missing culturally now. We all want to be understood and recognized.
For example, many people may disagree about how the government wants to enforce judgements and control the narrative. We must create space to talk about things in a safe way. Make it safe for both sides. It’s a matter of acknowledging and not judging. If someone feels wrong, it erodes compassion. This can lead to violence and lack of safety.
Carolyn also discusses her recent book, “Fire It Up: Reigniting Intimacy and Joy in Your Relationship” and how she wrote it for couples and people in relationships. It’s about compassionate communication. She addresses various aspects of couples including what to do when one lies or even is unfaithful. She talks about how lying is extraordinarily common in relationships, especially during the courtship phase. As an example, someone may ask, “How do you like the dinner I cooked?” and the other person may feel the need to be overly complimentary, even if they dislike it. She talks about a culture where people feel safe enough to be completely honest. If we continue with “white lies” we eventually stop recognizing that we are lying.
In this Age of Social Media, we are experiencing general people, who are not trained journalists, reporting what they believe is fact. People are stating opinions and claiming it as fact. This becomes very hard for us to decipher and can lead to major disagreements.
Carolyn also talks about the importance of investing in your relationships, and specifically with your partner. She addresses if someone in the partnership cheats and how traumatic it can be. If the other person is not hearing you, it’s important to decide if it’s healthy to stay in the relationship. If it’s in a situation with co-workers or with your boss, you may need to just “agree to disagree.” We are not able to change others. We can only change ourselves. Fighting doesn’t allow for this opportunity.
In politics and such a divided nation, it’s challenging to acknowledge one another. It is impacting many aspects of our lives. Many people feel betrayed and hurt. We are living in an intense time, and Carolyn suggests getting support around your feelings. These are complicated times, but there are ways to de-escalate and disengage. Everyone has to decide what they need in their relationships. You can value the other person’s support yet not agree with them. It’s better to be honest and respectful and see if you can come to a place of radical acceptance.
Info: CarolynSharp.com and SecureConnectionsRetreats.com.