March 27, 2024 • 55 mins
My guest on this episode, Kim Peacock, is a courageous mum who witnessed the horrific accident of her eldest child just after Christmas in 1998. She had to find a way to make sense of this and go on for her remaining children and husband. - so how do you grieve a child and still manage to live fully for the rest of your famiy? Somehow Kim found a way. Amidst the heartbreak she began to find hope - and to realize that grief and joy can co-exist.
Kim will also take us through her book Victorious Heart - Finding Hope and Healing after a Devastating Loss.
Kim is a wife, mom, writer, speaker, grief mentor, author and CFO of the Construction Company they own. Her blog, Wild Victorious Heart, has been a huge encouragement to others during their life-altering loss of a loved one.
Kim's Bio
When tragedy struck our family right after Christmas in 1998, it was a loss so deep I believed I would not survive. We witnessed the accident that took our daughter Nicole's earthly life. That event rocked the very foundation of my beliefs and my world. I had to find a way to grieve and still live life fully. After struggling in grief -feeling isolated and hopeless - I found hope and healing. I came to realize that grief and joy can co-exist. I became determined to find purpose in my pain and help others who were struggling with the deep sorrow of losing a loved one. My book "Victorious Heart: Finding Hope and Healing after a Devastating Loss" provides useful advice, guidance, and support for those in the midst of grieving.
Quote:
"...and that's what happens in our lives, even in grief, spring comes." ~ Kim Peacock
Resources:
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
It was a very dark time.
(00:02):
and at the time, I never imaginedbeing able to experience joy again.
I never imagined that Iwould be able to survive.
And I think all of us as in thenameless club, all of us experience
that to a different level, but I thinkwe all experienced that for a bit.
And I think it's just part ofembracing what has happened.
(00:25):
We have to embrace what's happenedto be able to heal and go on.
And no, we're never restoredto the way we were, but I liken
it in my book to an amputation.
If I lose a limb, Yes, I'm still goingto live, but I have to mourn that limb
and I have to grieve what's happened andthen I have to learn to walk again and
(00:48):
that's how it was during that time atfirst, very dark, but just step after
step, we'd start, we started experiencinglight again as a family and individually.
(01:09):
Thanks for joining us onthe beautiful side of grief.
It's the new year as we record this.
And my guest today Kim Peacock isa courageous mom who witnessed the
horrific accident of her eldestchild just after Christmas in 1998.
She had to find a way to makesense of this and go on for her
remaining children and husband.
(01:31):
how do you grieve a child and still manageto live fully for the rest of your family?
Somehow Kim found a way.
Amidst the heartbreak, she beganto find hope and to realize
that grief and joy can coexist.
She will also take us through herbook, Victorious Heart, finding hope
(01:52):
and healing after a devastating loss.
Kim is a wife, mum, writer, speaker,grief mentor, author and CFO of
the construction company they own.
I hope that's correct.
Is that right?
Correct.
Very well.
Her blog Wild Victoria's Heart has been ahuge encouragement to others during their
(02:12):
own life altering loss of a loved one.
So now let's explore allof this a bit further.
A very warm welcome to you, Kim.
Thank you so much, Helen.
I appreciate you having me.
Yeah, it's a pleasure.
As I mentioned in the intro, this isa tough time of the year I imagine for
(02:32):
you because I believe our body getsimprinted with a, with a natural radar
for when something big has happened to us.
Life altering big.
And it doesn't matterhow much time passes.
It lets us know when thattime is drawing near.
is that your experience, Kim?
Yeah.
I could, couldn't agree with you more.
(02:54):
even as since, Nicole's accident wasjust three days after Christmas, even
as the days get shorter, start gettingshorter in September and October.
And sometimes I don't evenrecognize what's going on.
I start feeling a heaviness in my heartand then, and I attribute it to the.
Toward the weather getting cooler,which I'm not a fan of winter.
(03:16):
but then I start recognizing evenstill after all these years know that
my heart is still experiencing a lotof what I went through so many years
ago and anticipating that day comingand then passing and just the season
of Our lives continuing to pass.
Yeah, it's reallystrange how that happens.
(03:37):
I've experienced exactly the same thing.
And I also think it's like our bodytrying to give us a pre warning and
protect us like, okay, let's hunkerdown, this time's coming up again.
And yeah.
So let's now just go back a bit, preNicole's accident back to the late 1990s.
(03:59):
What did life look like for your family?
We were really the typical blended family.
We had, my husband and I hadbeen married previously before.
So he had a daughter and her name is Lisa.
And then I had Nicole fromour previous marriages.
And when we married, wethought, okay, this is great.
We have this perfectlittle blended family.
(04:21):
And then we had one biological child.
Which is Megan.
And then we ended up adoptingour son from Russia, just a
year prior to Nicole's accident.
So it was busy.
It was crazy.
We homeschooled, the two older girlsshowed horses and we traveled around and
they got to pursue that dream of theirs.
(04:42):
It.
it felt a little chaotic atthe time, but now I really look
back and savor those moments.
My husband is a contractor, sowe could go to his places that he
traveled to work and really explore.
We got to be, have a lot ofadventure in our lives and
explore, the places around us.
(05:03):
And that was a really rich time becauseI don't think, I don't think I even
realized it at the time, but we were justreally experiencing life just as it was.
It wasn't super organized, but I believethe kids really got to experience
life and we got to live in the presentthat I didn't even realize how.
(05:24):
Beautiful and special that time was
Oh, I know.
And it sounds like you had thisblended family thing down pat.
because that can be very difficult
for some families.
And then you bring another adoptedperson into the mix as well.
So congratulations to you.
(05:44):
And I'm glad that is howyou were living life.
So now let's, if you're okay withthis, let's take a look at when You
joined the Nameless Club, and I hadanother guest call it the Nameless
Club because I don't know, how doyou describe when you lose a child?
(06:04):
There is no name for it, but it is
like one of the most lifealtering things, isn't it?
it totally is.
And I know that you, haveexperienced that as well.
And the Nameless Club is a perfectname for the club 'cause it's the
club we all become a part in, but wedon't really wanna join that club.
(06:25):
But we're so grateful.
Like when I see moms like you and I canlook at you, there's a kindredness that
we just are instantly connected and after.
And that day we were on a family vacation.
It was still chaotic and fun and crazy.
We left the house with Christmasdecorations on the floor, some
leftovers in the fridge, and wewent camping, up in the beach in mid
(06:49):
California, and we camped on the beach.
We had some off roading and we went outon the sand dunes and was off roading.
And.
I thought this, you can't getmuch more perfect than this.
The weather was perfect.
The kids were having fun.
Everyone was getting along.
And then in an instant, our lives changed.
(07:10):
We looked up and just in time to seeNicole, she was riding a three wheeler
and she got disoriented, we believe,and she went off us very high sand
dune and she landed on her head.
In that moment, it's likethings became snapshots.
I thought this can't be happening.
(07:30):
And then trying to deal witheven just getting to her.
I felt like I was running through mud andmy husband got to her first and pulled
off her helmet and began doing CPR.
She was unresponsive laterthat day at the hospital.
They told us.
The devastating news that she haddied, the doctor said very bluntly
(07:51):
that Nicole had died at the beach.
And in an instant you have what you thinkis going to be your life continuing and
then everything changes in an instant.
Oh, and I couldn't agree more, and Idon't know how you explain that to others.
It's like the life asyou knew it no longer is.
(08:12):
It's
every facet is just likeripped wide open, and
you have to face it, don't you?
what was that time like for you?
It was a very dark time.
and at the time, I never imaginedbeing able to experience joy again.
I never imagined that Iwould be able to survive.
(08:35):
And I think all of us as in thenameless club, all of us experience
that to a different level, but I thinkwe all experienced that for a bit.
And I think it's just part ofembracing what has happened.
We have to embrace what's happenedto be able to heal and go on.
And no, we're never restoredto the way we were, but I liken
(08:58):
it in my book to an amputation.
If I lose a limb, Yes, I'm still goingto live, but I have to mourn that limb
and I have to grieve what's happened andthen I have to learn to walk again and
that's how it was during that time atfirst, very dark, but just step after
step, we'd start, we started experiencinglight again as a family and individually.
(09:25):
Yeah.
Again, your analogy is so spot on,like losing a limb, yeah, because
it's phantom pain, you
forever feel that limb, don't
you?
So that was
Always.
Such a spot on description, and I'venever heard it described like that.
(09:45):
So thank you for sharing that becauseI think that's going to resonate with
some people hearing that going, Ah,yes, that's exactly what it's like.
So can you share with us how youmanage to keep your self strong and
your family strong during that time,Kim, or did it just take a while for
(10:08):
you just to find that pattern again?
Like it was just completechaos for a while.
I feel like it was complete chaos.
but talking to other people whowalked with us during that time,
they don't describe it that way.
So I think the chaos was inside myself.
(10:28):
I do think having the other kids that Iwas responsible for my other children.
I had to be able to in, in some ways,put my pain on a shelf for a little
bit so I could take care of them.
Each of them had differentrelationships with Nicole.
(10:50):
They had unique, positions inour family, unique personalities.
And so each of themgrieved very differently.
So I think that actuallywas helpful to me.
Sometimes I think whenwe're in ourselves so much.
it's hard to get to take a step, butwhen we can look outside to maybe
the needs of others for a time,you ha it's a definitely a balance.
(11:13):
You have to, you still haveto take care of this grief.
I had to take that griefoff the shelf eventually.
And sometimes it was littlepieces at a time and do that.
However, taking care of the kids andmy family was actually good for me
because it kept me walking forward.
And then.
As I, and that is the thingabout grief, it's not linear.
(11:36):
So sometimes I would have todeal with it in little chunks.
And then sometimes I just have to sinkin and just be swallowed by it for
a little bit, embrace it, recognizewhat I lost and honoring that because.
Losing Nicole, and I know youunderstand, losing our child...
(11:57):
it takes us into another dimension andwe really do have to learn to walk again.
And when we lock walk again, if we'vehad a limb amputated, it's a little
at a time, we can't go run a marathon.
We have to learn how to manage withthe pain, the phantom pain, all of
the things that those dreams thatnicole had, which I had for her.
(12:21):
All of those things are calendars.
Everything was adjusted.
So we had to learn how to change thosethings and then channel our family, maybe
into a little bit different direction.
Yeah.
So it's not a simple answer, butit's just one step at a time, one
breath at a time, one moment at a
congratulations to you because, yeah, itsounds like, you've navigated this well.
(12:48):
and when I say I think you navigatedit as best you could in the situations
that were arising at the time.
And I think that's all we can do, behonest and true to the whole process,
as you've discussed, like sometimes,I know I helped my daughter's teen
friends because some of them hadnever experienced death before.
(13:10):
And so that was distracting for me.
But like you say, it then comes hometo roost and then you have to face it.
Did you sit down with your familyand discuss how you were going to
try to navigate this time so thateverybody kind of knew that even
though you grieved differently,you were all in this together?
(13:35):
I think individually we did.
and I didn't do it great at first.
it was hard because I didn't understandthat each one of the kids and each
one of Nicole's friends, my husband,everyone grieves differently.
And at the, that's thebiggest thing I've learned.
In this, everybody grieves differently.
(13:55):
I expected grief to be this step.
Okay.
We're in the stages of grief.
And while I believe those stagesof grief are valid, I think we all
experience them in different forms.
And We didn't have an officialfamily meeting, but I would
talk to them individually.
how are you feeling about, like ourdaughter, Megan saw the accident,
(14:17):
let's talk about that, and go through,different what they felt they needed.
and it's hard for them.
It was hard for them to talk about.
And so we would take littlechunks at a time and.
I had to learn to let them grieve in theirindividual ways and my husband as well.
Yes.
Yeah.
(14:38):
And that's the thing.
We just assume everyone's going tobe like ourselves, And, you know,
deal with it in the same way, butyou were actually dealing with the
grief on a number of different frontsand a number of different ways.
So you have a very strong faith base, Kim.
How did you deal with not gettingangry at God for what happened?
(15:00):
Or did you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I did.
I, because before the accident, Ireally felt like if I did, this is
not a sound theological biblicalbelief, what I'm going to say.
So I just had this, I callit my comfort theology.
I thought if I did everything right,Then God would, perform the way I
(15:23):
felt like he was going to perform.
No, that is not correct.
And that's not even, I run my, I tryto run my faith through the Bible
and through the grid of the Bible.
And that's nowhere written in there.
And.
We all experience hardship on this earth.
It's not, if you're good things happen.
And there's the age old question.
(15:43):
Why do bad things happen to good people?
I still don't know that answer.
This is, but I'm not a good person.
None of us are really good.
You know what I'm saying?
it's not these.
Yeah, it's not this kid.
We can't put everything in these clearcut categories, but what I came to
realize is yes I was angry at God becauseI'm like, I believe that you could have
(16:06):
prevented this God Why didn't you preventthis and I never got the answer to that?
But what I got the answer to is thingsbad things happen in this world, and I
still don't understand I don't understandwhy, daughters are killed in accidents.
I don't understand why people, commitsuicide and we lose people to cancer.
(16:28):
I don't understand that.
But when I came away walking, whenI walked away from that experience
of being angry at God is number one,
he didn't turn away frommy anger, I believe.
And he carried me like thosedays that I couldn't get up.
I believe that I could feel Godpick me up and literally put me on
my feet, walk with me, sometimeseven just carrying me through,
(16:51):
ministering to my heart in that pain.
And also giving me thehope that I believe.
That their Nicole is in heaven.
I believe I'm going to see her again.
I, and I really believe she'smore alive than I am, which I
know sounds contradictory, butthat's really what I believe.
(17:12):
I believe that I will experience that.
And to remember that all wesee here is not all there is.
There's so much more to thislife than what we can see.
That's so beautiful, the way you'vedescribed that, so real, so honest, and I
love that, your description of God, just,just nurturing you through this time.
(17:35):
And I, like thatyou , believe that they are.
in a realm where there is no hurt, thereis no pain, it's just pure love and a
little bit envious to tell you the truth.
I know sometimes it'sokay, I completely agree.
Yeah.
(17:56):
So your darling Nicole would havebeen 42 this year, is that correct?
Yes.
so 24 years since the tragic accident,and you don't ever forget, do you?
What were some of the mostdifficult things for you personally
to manage, to understand and tocompletely get your head around?
(18:16):
You've just mentioned a few nowwith, were there any others that
were particularly difficult?
I think watching the passing of timewhere Nicole's friends were graduating
high school, Nicole was a senior.
So.
I went to the graduation ceremony,the school was wonderful and they
(18:37):
invited us and they had a chairwith Nicole's cap and gown there.
It was very beautiful,but it was very painful.
those beautiful people that were sokind to us, they had kids that were
graduating and our family went andwe sat with them and we cried with
them and they cried with us, but wecongratulated them, but that was hard.
And then when her best friend gotmarried and then later on when, They,
(19:01):
her friends had children and I feltlike time stopped for me at that moment.
but everyone else's lives continuedand that was a really difficult
adjustment to learn how to love themand congratulate them also grieve in my
own heart, that on this earth, I'm notgoing to experience that with Nicole.
(19:27):
And that was a difficultthing for me, for sure.
And then her loss of dreams.
We had her, we had her show horse.
We had things that, we had tohandle real logistical things.
That horse was not going to languishin a barn that, and he was purchase
for her to show and she was.
(19:48):
Showing at a high level, but whenwe had to sell him, that was hard.
It was like selling her dream.
Just a side note.
I was able to get in contact with thegirl who bought him, the horse, and
he's still living and he's amazing.
and she's kept him all theseyears and she sends me pictures.
So those kinds of thingsare the blessings.
(20:09):
it's a blessing raw pain in sellinghim, but getting to see her throughout
all of these years, show him.
yeah.
last year going through what you'vejust described profoundly, like
recognizing that, I'm never going tosee my child walk down an aisle or find
(20:32):
the love of her life or have children.
We used to joke about me, you know, melooking after the children all the time.
She'd go, no, you'll belooking after my kids.
My mom go, don't you be too sure.
But it was always this banter betweenus and then having the reality
that's never going to be the case.
And making peace with that.
(20:53):
Making peace with that inside.
But it's like you say, and Ilove this about you and what
you're doing is that you can seethe positives on the flip side.
So let's talk about how we sit with griefand yet we sit with all the other good
things and those amazing memories as well.
(21:15):
Yes.
Do you
I think the more time thatpasses, the easier it becomes.
At first just memories are just harsh,but I think that as I was able to embrace
those beautiful memories that, theexperiences we had with Nicole were real.
Just because she passed away,doesn't mean those memories.
(21:38):
It doesn't erase what wegot to experience together.
And I think that's partof the joy and sorrow.
that I could grieve that I wasn't gettingto experience more time with her, but then
cherish and savor those relations, thosememories that we had when she was here.
And I think that's part of it.
(21:59):
And then another part of it is, and Iknow you've talked about this a little
bit is what we've learned from them.
I learned so much and I don't even knowthat I realized it until even now, as I go
through life, I'm like, Oh, you know what?
Nicole handled that situation sonicely, one thing Nicole did, she
loved people so unconditionally.
(22:22):
And it will remind me sometimes whenI'm wrestling with that, I'm like, okay,
how would Nicole have handled this?
And I do believe Godreminds me of those things.
okay, how do you think thatNicole would have handled that?
Would she have put judgment onthat person or would she have given
that person grace or, also thefact that Nicole never gave up.
(22:44):
She worked super hard on herwith her horse and she had some
real trials with that horse.
But then she conquered and she onlyconquered because she kept trying.
So on those days that I feel, like givingup, I can draw from those memories and
that's where the joy, part of it comes in.
So we, in every kind of situation,in the hard and the sweet, we have to
(23:10):
realize there's two sides and that'swhere balance starts and it doesn't.
And that wasn't thatwasn't right overnight.
I think we can really acknowledge thatyou have to go through the dark night
of your soul and walk through that,but then you can start bringing in the
light and bringing in the beauty andrecognizing and then understanding that
(23:32):
we're, that everything we see here.
Is there so much more and then thatagain ushers in more beauty and
more joy and hope and all of thosethings and that helps bring that
balance that you were talking about.
do you think and this is something I'veoften thought about, is that when I hear
(23:54):
about children who have passed or readabout them and that they always seem
to be these exceptional individuals,like they're not your average child.
And so I actually often think, theyare ascended souls that, they come
here and teach us and show us the way.
(24:16):
And yeah,
yeah, I like to think of that too.
we think about exactly like yousaid, so many of the people that
the moms that I've met whosechildren have gone on before them.
Yeah.
It's like that.
And I think, God, did you justlet me have her for those 17 years
just to teach me how to live?
I don't know.
(24:36):
I think it's a beautiful thought.
And I think that, there are some peoplein this world that it's just, their
impact is so powerful for those yearsthat they could have lived 80 years,
but they lived Nicole 17 years, yourdaughter, just a teenager, just those few
(24:57):
short years made an impact of a lifetime.
So yeah, I completely, andI like to think about that.
yes, that fills my heart as well, becauseI remember a time, and I've spoken
about this on other episodes, where,I had the funeral home come to me and
say, how many people are we expecting?
(25:18):
and I thought to .Myself, how couldyou possibly answer that question?
How could you
possibly know?
But you know what?
I reflected on that afterwardand that child drew people
from every corner of life.
I had no idea the length and breadth thatshe had impacted people across, from her
(25:41):
own peers, right through to older peopleI worked with, through to, Oh, she was
in so many different groups and that,and it truly filled my heart to know
that in 18 short years, here was somebodywho had impacted so, so many lives.
And that is somethingI will always treasure.
(26:03):
Yes.
I completely agree.
We experienced much the same thing.
I would, I was so surprised how manypeople told me, Oh, I was Nicole's
or Nicole was my best friend.
Nicole was my best friend.
And I'm thinking how many best friendscan one person have, but just the,
and those stories, I know that.
Those stories are so good for us tothink about how they touched other
(26:27):
people's lives and then bring usoutside of ourselves and go, okay,
what's my mission now while I'm here.
And another treasure when you starttalking to those people is that you
find out all those hidden gems thatyou never knew about that Nicole
probably never spoke about, theamazing little acts of kindness and
(26:47):
what have you that she probably did.
And you went, Oh my gosh,
It's, and it's like getting to spend alittle more time with her because it's
just another dimension of her life.
It's like actually getting to justhang out with her a little bit more.
And now that you've mentionedthat, that is so true.
(27:08):
I, and every time, and sometimes I'llstill hear a story, not as many now that
life has passed so far, but I, then I'llhear these stories and I'm like, I just
got to spend another moment with Nicole.
absolutely.
Because I didn't get toexperience that part of her.
so beautiful.
Are you feeling lost, anxious,unsure of how to navigate the
(27:28):
loss of your beautiful loved one.
I don't know where to head next.
Yeah, I get that.
Then you may be interested in thenew new offering I've developed
A Letter of Hope and Aroha.
To help you find out whoyou are right here and now.
And how you can navigate that withoutbeing on that emotional roller
(27:49):
coaster feeling out of control.
That's a feeling I really dislikedafter Tahl and then Adrian died.
So I've developed an eight weeksupport program where each week you
get an email of what worked for me.
As well as other tried and true toolsto help with grief, it's a beautiful
calming, mean healing resource thatI think you're really going to like.
(28:13):
And that you can use in youreveryday life to find out what
works for you and what doesn't.
And the great thing is you findyourself feeling stronger and more in
control, so you can work out what youwant life to look like going forward.
So with this sounds like somethingyou would like to check out, head
over to my website, or check outthe link in the episode notes, you're
(28:37):
looking for A Letter of Hope & Aroha.
So I know you went through a tough time,going through those stages What helped you
move forward to having hope and healing?
it was a whole body thing for me.
(28:58):
first of all, with my physical body,I needed to, and it sounds very
simplistic, but for me getting outside,walking in nature, it helped me to
get out of my pain because there'ssomething about nature that just
widens our heart, if that makes sense.
and I had to, and I didn't want to,I didn't want to get out of bed,
(29:20):
but I would force myself, especiallycause she passed away in winter.
So I felt I'm going to be in winterforever, but then spring came and
that's what happens in our lives,even in grief, spring comes.
And then these little bursts of.
just light would come into my heart and I,okay, I'm going to make myself go outside.
(29:40):
I'm going to go outside for 10 minutes.
And it actually ended up that my husbandwould have to go, okay, Kim, it's time to
come in because I would just be outsidein my garden and it was so therapeutic
for my body just to get outside.
So for me just walking outside, youdon't have to do a big workout, but just
walking outside and experiencing God'screation, I think is a huge thing because
(30:05):
that just got me outside of my pain.
And then I had to be really careful aboutwhat I took into my mind because when
someone is sick or someone has experienceda trauma, I think our brains are so
sensitive to any negativity, anything thatis harsh, whether it's in music or the
(30:26):
news or even course talk, all of thosethings, they seem to assault my brain.
Brain, if that makes sense.
And I had to really be careful tofeed my brain positive things for me.
That was like scriptureor a beautiful song.
I just had to be carefulwhat I fed my brain.
And I also had to becareful what I fed my body.
(30:48):
I know that seems very practical, but Ihad to be careful to take care of my body.
Cause when you're ingrief, you don't care.
And the more I didn't take care ofmy body, the worse I physically felt,
which then transferred to my spirit.
And so I had to just walk through inthose kinds of things and understand
that I had to watch what I ingested,whether it's in my mind, in my
(31:10):
heart, and in my body physically.
And those kinds of things helped meto start walking through to, to gain
healing in a way it's training, trainingmyself to, okay, what am I going to,
What am I going to focus my eyes on?
And I think that's important becausewhen you're grieving hope does not feel
(31:32):
it, it feels like there is no hope.
So you have to train yourself and remindyourself there is hope when a lie of.
of just ugliness would come into my mind.
I had to combat it with thetruth and it's a battle.
We all have the battlewith any kind of thing.
But when our hearts are immersedand our minds are immersed in grief,
(31:52):
it's a fierce battle and you have to.
You have to, fight that with truth.
For instance, like blaming.
Some of us might blame ourselves.
I should have prevented that.
I didn't do enough.
I was a bad mom.
All those are lies because I don'tbelieve there's anything that, I
wasn't a perfect mom, but I loved her.
(32:12):
We did the best I could.
And the lie would be.
Okay.
You caused this.
You should have fixed it.
You should have helped her.
The truth is no, there was nothing thatI could have done to change that moment.
I believe that was hermoment to leave this earth.
I really believe that.
And so that's how we haveto really protect our minds.
(32:34):
Battle that with, the liesand the truth constantly.
what you've just said there is gold,because I think it is the battle with our
mind, which determines whether we're goingto step through this and embrace it all
as it is, or whether we get stuck in it.
And I know for me, I was very definiteabout never asking why, because there
(33:01):
was never going to be an answer for me.
And I couldn't do that.
I couldn't go down those, rabbitholes and, because the reality
was it doesn't, didn't even matterif I got an answer because it
wasn't going to change anything.
It wouldn't be big enough.
Your answer would not have made it better.
no, no change anything.
(33:21):
So let's talk about your book now.
You wrote a book, VictoriousHeart, Finding Hope and Healing
After a Devastating Loss.
Now, this has been written to helppeople who are suffering a loss manage
those first like birthdays and allthose anniversaries that seem to come
(33:42):
all too regularly and how to protecttheir mind exactly from what we've
just been talking about the blame game.
So why did you feel theneed to write this book?
book and what was the process foryou of putting pen to paper and
having to get all of that out?
(34:03):
at first I thought I was just goingto, be there for other parents
who had lost their children.
And so when someone we knew, Ifthey knew somebody that had lost
a child, they would call me.
I would go and spend time with them,verbally walk through what helped
me and everybody is different.
(34:24):
So I'm very clear in the book.
Everybody experiences things different.
Here's some of the things that helped me,and here's some of the things that were
maybe not so helpful, but I would do that.
But I really felt like.
I needed to, be able to offer that in away that would be helpful to more people.
And also I really felt like if when I lostNicole, I felt isolated and I felt alone.
(34:49):
And I think if grieving parents couldunderstand they're not alone and that
other people understand, back to thenameless club, when I would see a mom
that had lost someone maybe, and shewas like seven years down the line.
I would just marvel ather when I'd look at her.
Okay.
She's doing it.
She's walking.
(35:09):
She's moving.
She's functioning.
She's working.
She has purpose.
Oh, look, there's a smile.
I see joy.
That was so encouraging.
So I really wanted to bethat for other people.
I really wanted to be able toshow, no, you are not alone.
Here are some things that helped me.
Here are some things.
I also have sections at the end ofeach chapter that, are for your friend,
(35:33):
for the friends of a grieving one.
These, and it's loving themwell is what it's called.
And okay, these are somethings that people did for
me that were really helpful.
And here's some things that you cando to help your grieving loved one.
And those things.
were, it weighed heavy on my heart, butI was in the, midst of raising the kids.
(35:55):
We ended up adopting two more boys.
So writing a book felt likethere is no way that I can do it.
So it just felt, I had to raise these kidsand I can't put pen to paper, writing a
book is take so much time and dedication.
So when our youngest son left home,I thought, okay, now's the time.
(36:16):
And I was able to just spend,hours in front of the computer
writing down just my journey.
And.
Maybe going a little bit deeper and alittle bit deeper until I was able to
put on paper what I felt were some ofthe most important things and stages
that we went through as a family.
And so it just, it was definitelya while in the process.
(36:40):
Kim, can I just ask, do you feellike Nicole was guiding you on
that process as you were writing?
in some ways I do, in some ways,and I don't know how heaven works,
but in, in some ways I could feelher going and I think you probably
understand what I'm saying.
(37:00):
why I asked.
Yes.
Go mom.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm just, I just, I don't knowhow it works and I don't know if.
I don't know, but that's how I feel.
And it's a beautiful thing.
When I finished, when I turned thatinto the publisher and got my final
(37:21):
draft back, it was just like, I feltlike she was saying, good job, mom.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
and you've written it from such abeautiful angle as well, because I
believe that's what it's all about.
It's just finding love again, in whateverform you can, and just gently at first,
(37:42):
and oh gosh, that's been a big deal.
big thing for me.
And I, again, I'm just going to sharewith you cause I know you so get it.
Yes.
and so there was a time whereI got so busy with life, I
nearly gave away my podcast.
It was getting harder and harder to findthe time to do the interviews and then to
(38:02):
edit everything and release the episodes.
And it dropped off a bit and then itwas like a life hit me in the smack in
the face with a health ailment that Ihad no option but to take time out for.
and I just kept thinking,what's this all about?
because I've been takingreally good care of my health.
(38:24):
And I thought I was doing fine.
The reality of it and themessage was that you need to
go back to what you love to do.
this is what
you need to be doing.
This is what you love to do.
And when I realized that, it waslike a ding, ding moment for me.
And I thought, ah, so I guess you probablyfelt that about your book as well.
(38:47):
Like it was almost likeyou couldn't ignore it.
You had to give birth to it.
Yes.
Yes.
It was a almost like a divine directive.
Like you, I have to do this and victoriousheart is, a few days after Nicole went to
heaven, we got a bookmark from our friendand it had Nicole's name and her, the
(39:08):
meaning of her name is victorious heart.
And so when I was thinking aboutthe book and thinking about my
life, that's one of the things Ilearned about her is she lived with
a victorious heart every single day.
Every moment she just squeezed out,beauty and victory in every day.
And victorious means you'revictorious over something, you,
(39:32):
there has to be a battle, right?
So I really felt That'swhat I wanted my life to be.
I didn't want to be defined by grief, butI wanted to be, have a victorious heart
in grief and show that we do grieve,but we grieve with hope and beauty.
And there's so much more to our lives.
And I think that's so important.
(39:53):
And then I got the coolest opportunitylast year, to record the book on audio.
Well done.
And at first I wasn't goingto, I said, I cannot read this.
This is, I cannot do that.
This is going to be too painful, but letme tell you, the producer said, no, you
have to, it needs to be in your voicebecause it will be more meaningful.
(40:14):
And let me tell you, it was so therapeuticand to even go through it again.
And to be reminded, yes, there werehard, there were very hard times
of reading, but also just how far.
That God has broughtus in just our journey.
and again, it's not because I'mstrong because I am a wimp, but
it's because that we can't, we canbe victorious in all of this stuff.
(40:39):
So I really think that's a beautifulpart of anybody's story that yes,
there's going to be hard things.
There's going to be devastatingthings and not to make light of
it, but to know that we can bevictorious in all of those things.
do you think this experience haschanged your life for the better?
(41:02):
What do you think you'vedeveloped now out of this?
Out of this tragic loss of Nicole,
I think I see through the fragilityof life, the beauty of life.
I think I see how important it is tobe intentional and be present and to
(41:26):
savor every moment that we have thatthere really are no ordinary moments.
There's moments that we go towork and they feel everything
feels ordinary, but really it'snot, there's no ordinary moments.
And I think that is the biggest thing.
This has taught me it's importantthat we love very fiercely those
(41:46):
people that are put into ourlives and sometimes it's friends.
Sometimes it's friends of Nicole's or likefriends of yours daughters that you just.
You draw from, you will draw from, butalso you're putting back into their lives.
And I think living in with thatintentionality has been a big part of it.
That my life, I don't always do it.
(42:09):
I will get in the doldrums and the routineand, but I have to remind myself, no, this
is, there are no ordinary moments and Ihave to savor every single second because
we don't know how long we're going to havewith the person sitting across from us
or even our own lives to make an impact.
We, we don't,
yeah, so you have to see for eachand every moment just as it is and
(42:31):
enjoy it and truly that's what'sgiven me so much heart, um, and
I think it's about others too.
Do you speak about Nicole all the time?
Is that something you do?
yes, all the time.
And at first I felt a little bit.
I didn't want to make people feeluncomfortable, but what I realized
(42:54):
is other people need to hear her nameas much as I need to hear her name.
Absolutely.
yeah,
Oh, I'm so pleased you saidthat because I talk about Tahl
she was a big part of my life.
I'm not going to relegatethat to a shelf to be dusted
every once in a while.
no,
she's front and center.
yes.
(43:14):
And she's still influencing, yourpodcast, your life, how you live,
she's still influencing you and notonly you, but the people that all
those people that were at her service.
They're still beinginfluenced by her life.
and I feel the same way about Nicole.
And I think that's important to beable to recognize and hold on to.
(43:36):
I recall speaking to somebodywho had gone his whole life, his
brother died and he was quite young.
And then the family nevermentioned him again.
And it was like the photos were putsomewhere and of course, when I lost
Tahl that brought everything up for him.
(43:57):
It was like this huge loss andgrief that welled up inside of him,
all those suppressed emotions havenever been able to talk about his
brother and honor him and, just love.
the impact that he made, evenif just for such a short while.
I think it's important that wedo honor our loved ones that
(44:20):
have, passed over way too soon.
Yes, I agree.
And, have you heard of that Japanese artform called, Kintsugi, I think it is?
Kenzuki.
Yes, I have.
do you have that?
Yes.
see where, there we go.
I love Kenzuki.
I know your listeners will not beable to see, but yes, completely.
(44:45):
It's a beautiful art.
yes.
And I think that, symbolizes our lives.
We get broken, we get shattered, butwe can put them back together again.
And it's beautiful the way wecan put them back together again.
They may not look perfect,but there is a beauty in that.
And that's what that artform represents, isn't it?
(45:06):
Yes.
Yeah.
The beauty is in the flaws of thepiece and the brokenness of the
piece, all the gold and I thinkthat's such a great example.
I'm so glad
Oh, gosh.
Now, this really does become amission in our life, doesn't it?
Honoring, our beautiful girls.
so how are you still helpingothers now, 24 years down the line?
(45:33):
through my book, and my blog, Itried to post about any kind of
loss and just struggles and howto walk through and maybe navigate
struggles that we all have in life.
And then I still meet, I still speakand meet with grieving moms, as It's
whenever the opportunity arises.
Sometimes I won't talk to someonefor a while and then somebody else
(45:56):
will be coming to my path that Ifeel like it's, that I, it's my,
I hate to say job, but it's mydirective to just walk and hold them.
No, even better.
It's my privilege.
It's my privilege.
That's a better word to be able to walkwith that mama when she's hurting, or
sometimes it's a wife that's lost herhusband, whatever that is, grief yeah
(46:20):
is grief and they need to, everyoneneeds to know they don't walk alone.
And I love that, there are so many peoplewho may never ever say anything to us,
but they're watching from a distance.
They're watching and they're admiring.
And you say you're not strong,but there is a beautiful inner
strength that does get called
(46:40):
upon.
to help us navigate this journey.
And I think you epitomize that so well.
I just want to talk also about thefabulous idea, of the quilt you received,
tell us a bit more about that, Kim.
about the quote.
the quilt,
Oh, the quilt.
Thank you.
(47:01):
Sorry about
English, a
Oh, the beautiful quilt.
So my, neighbor, I had a really difficulttime, parting with Nicole's clothes and
I just kept saving them and saving them.
And I ended up giving them to my neighborwho is a seamstress and just thinking,
(47:21):
okay, just when you get a chance, canyou just do something with these clothes?
And on her birthday, she presentedthis amazing, beautiful quilt and
she had hand stitched every littlepart of it, of all Nicole's clothes.
shirts, especially from horse shows,her church type t shirts that she wore.
(47:44):
All of her funny, she wasa very free spirited girl.
So her style was a little bit wild.
And so all of that is.
Is hand stitched into this beautifulquilt that has, has just brought me
so much comfort and it's gigantic.
And this woman, bless her heart.
She had spent so much timeon this and so much love.
(48:06):
And it was definitely a labor oflove and just that, that act of hers.
And it took her months, but I hadforgot that she had the clothes, but
labor of love.
That was
exactly just what poppedinto my mind as you said, a
labor of love and how beautiful and whata fabulous way to deal with, those clothes
(48:27):
and things, because that is a tricky thing
to have to deal with, thoseare the tougher moments that
people forget about, yeah.
are when you have to, cause those arereal things that you have to manage.
Those are real things that you haveto deal with and you want to cling on
to every part of them that you can.
yes, I know.
(48:48):
Wow.
What a fabulous conversation I've had theprivilege of having with you today, Kim.
And I'd just love to finish off witha few questions I ask all my guests.
And the first is, what is the best thingthat has happened to you so far today?
That question I knew youwere going to ask me.
(49:09):
So I thought, and it's been what Isaid, there are no ordinary days, but
the best thing that happened to metoday is I got to go out and just spend
a little bit of time with my horse.
I know that seems very simplistic,but she's, it helps me to
feel close to Nicole because.
She was into horses and nowin my older age, I'm able to
(49:33):
have a horse and ride her.
And so I got to just spend time andI know that it seems weird, but she
seemed extra sweet and kind to me today.
Just like one of those thingsthat it's almost as if she knew
I needed a little extra love.
So that as some people might findthat silly, but for me, it was just
a really beautiful moment in my
(49:53):
no, that just warmed my heart.
Oh, good.
And what is something thatyou are most grateful for?
Oh, there's so many things, but I thinkthat even I'm most grateful in general
for that even on my darkest days andeven on my hardest days I have purpose
(50:16):
and there is a plan for my life.
And, I'm not going to bedefined by my darkest days.
I'm going to have joy in those days.
I'm going to find beautyin each of those days.
And just the fact that I'mable to do that, that I, what
I see is not all there is.
And so that is an important thing forme to always go back to when I'm, when I
(50:40):
need to find something to be grateful for,
Oh, that's beautiful.
And when you have those dark moments inyour day, how do you pivot out of those?
What's your go to?
it actually goes back to gratitudebecause even when I'm having those
days, I really believe there's somethingthat we can always be grateful for.
(51:02):
And that might be as simple as the sunon our face or the sound of the birds
singing, or the laughter of a child.
If I am able to look outside of thatdarkness and find something to be grateful
for, even if it's just one thing, if I tryto find a handful of things, but if I can
do that, that helps me pull out of thosedark days and take another step forward.
(51:26):
yes.
So 100 percent agree.
Every day, gratitude is my cornerstone.
yes.
Yeah,
I used to always think itwas such a trite thing.
Oh yeah, let's be grateful.
yeah.
but now I think it's the mostlife changing thing that you could
(51:46):
possibly have as part of your life.
Yes.
Yes.
Is there anything else that you wouldlike our listeners to know that perhaps
we haven't had the opportunity to cover?
I just would like people to know thatit, even if you're in that dark place and
there's no way you feel like you can findbeauty on that side of grief, you feel
(52:11):
like there's no way you can experiencejoy or hope, that I just encourage.
I, we have felt that way, but I justencourage them to keep walking, that you
will experience beauty again in your life.
And I have a feeling that it'sgoing to be more beautiful than
you anticipated it would ever be.
That you will find beauty,you will find hope, you will
(52:32):
find joy, and it will happen.
But you just have to keep walkingthrough each of these steps.
I know I feel a bit guilty sayingthat my life is better now since Tahl
left us, when I was going throughall of that and that's just because
she's just gifted me so many beautifullearnings and moments since then.
(52:54):
So yes, I understand that, but still feela little bit guilty sometimes saying that.
yes, I know what you mean.
for anybody who is listening whowould like to get hold of you and all
the hold of get hold of your book.
How can they do that?
Can I'll have it in the
episode notes, but sorry.
okay.
(53:14):
No, that's okay.
the book Victorious Heart, it's, youcan get it wherever books are sold.
Easiest is usually Amazon and nowit's in paperback, Kindle and audible,
which I'm super excited about theaudible, because it's just, I feel
like, such a special offering.
and then my blog is Wild Victorious Heart
(53:36):
and so you can contact me, on thatthrough my blog, my emails on there.
There's, you can track medown through that easy.
I also have some of my, and blogsand different kinds of things that
might be encouragement to people.
And then I'm on Instagram, just my name,Kim Peacock and Facebook, Kim Peacock.
And and I try to answer anyonethat reaches out, pretty quickly.
(54:01):
So if someone needs to getahold of me, usually through
those avenues, I can be found.
You can be found.
That sounds
good.
And if anybody forgets any of this, theyjust need to go and have a look at the
episode notes because I'll have thoselinks or all of those links there as well.
Kim, what an absolute privilegeit has been to be able to connect
(54:24):
with such a like minded soul.
Like I felt this instantconnection with you.
Me too.
Me too.
Gosh, and I've just loved having thisconversation with you and sharing,
the wisdom that you've garnered,through your own loss and how you've
come through that so magnificently.
(54:44):
And, it's been a privilege for me tospeak to you, and I'm so very grateful.
So thank you.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
And thank you as well, Helen.
I feel like I have a sisterall those miles away.
You do indeed.
It was a very dark time.
(00:02):
and at the time, I never imaginedbeing able to experience joy again.
I never imagined that Iwould be able to survive.
And I think all of us as in thenameless club, all of us experience
that to a different level, but I thinkwe all experienced that for a bit.
And I think it's just part ofembracing what has happened.
(00:25):
We have to embrace what's happenedto be able to heal and go on.
And no, we're never restoredto the way we were, but I liken
it in my book to an amputation.
If I lose a limb, Yes, I'm still goingto live, but I have to mourn that limb
and I have to grieve what's happened andthen I have to learn to walk again and
(00:48):
that's how it was during that time atfirst, very dark, but just step after
step, we'd start, we started experiencinglight again as a family and individually.
(01:09):
Thanks for joining us onthe beautiful side of grief.
It's the new year as we record this.
And my guest today Kim Peacock isa courageous mom who witnessed the
horrific accident of her eldestchild just after Christmas in 1998.
She had to find a way to makesense of this and go on for her
remaining children and husband.
(01:31):
how do you grieve a child and still manageto live fully for the rest of your family?
Somehow Kim found a way.
Amidst the heartbreak, she beganto find hope and to realize
that grief and joy can coexist.
She will also take us through herbook, Victorious Heart, finding hope
(01:52):
and healing after a devastating loss.
Kim is a wife, mum, writer, speaker,grief mentor, author and CFO of
the construction company they own.
I hope that's correct.
Is that right?
Correct.
Very well.
Her blog Wild Victoria's Heart has been ahuge encouragement to others during their
(02:12):
own life altering loss of a loved one.
So now let's explore allof this a bit further.
A very warm welcome to you, Kim.
Thank you so much, Helen.
I appreciate you having me.
Yeah, it's a pleasure.
As I mentioned in the intro, this isa tough time of the year I imagine for
(02:32):
you because I believe our body getsimprinted with a, with a natural radar
for when something big has happened to us.
Life altering big.
And it doesn't matterhow much time passes.
It lets us know when thattime is drawing near.
is that your experience, Kim?
Yeah.
I could, couldn't agree with you more.
(02:54):
even as since, Nicole's accident wasjust three days after Christmas, even
as the days get shorter, start gettingshorter in September and October.
And sometimes I don't evenrecognize what's going on.
I start feeling a heaviness in my heartand then, and I attribute it to the.
Toward the weather getting cooler,which I'm not a fan of winter.
(03:16):
but then I start recognizing evenstill after all these years know that
my heart is still experiencing a lotof what I went through so many years
ago and anticipating that day comingand then passing and just the season
of Our lives continuing to pass.
Yeah, it's reallystrange how that happens.
(03:37):
I've experienced exactly the same thing.
And I also think it's like our bodytrying to give us a pre warning and
protect us like, okay, let's hunkerdown, this time's coming up again.
And yeah.
So let's now just go back a bit, preNicole's accident back to the late 1990s.
(03:59):
What did life look like for your family?
We were really the typical blended family.
We had, my husband and I hadbeen married previously before.
So he had a daughter and her name is Lisa.
And then I had Nicole fromour previous marriages.
And when we married, wethought, okay, this is great.
We have this perfectlittle blended family.
(04:21):
And then we had one biological child.
Which is Megan.
And then we ended up adoptingour son from Russia, just a
year prior to Nicole's accident.
So it was busy.
It was crazy.
We homeschooled, the two older girlsshowed horses and we traveled around and
they got to pursue that dream of theirs.
(04:42):
It.
it felt a little chaotic atthe time, but now I really look
back and savor those moments.
My husband is a contractor, sowe could go to his places that he
traveled to work and really explore.
We got to be, have a lot ofadventure in our lives and
explore, the places around us.
(05:03):
And that was a really rich time becauseI don't think, I don't think I even
realized it at the time, but we were justreally experiencing life just as it was.
It wasn't super organized, but I believethe kids really got to experience
life and we got to live in the presentthat I didn't even realize how.
(05:24):
Beautiful and special that time was
Oh, I know.
And it sounds like you had thisblended family thing down pat.
because that can be very difficult
for some families.
And then you bring another adoptedperson into the mix as well.
So congratulations to you.
(05:44):
And I'm glad that is howyou were living life.
So now let's, if you're okay withthis, let's take a look at when You
joined the Nameless Club, and I hadanother guest call it the Nameless
Club because I don't know, how doyou describe when you lose a child?
(06:04):
There is no name for it, but it is
like one of the most lifealtering things, isn't it?
it totally is.
And I know that you, haveexperienced that as well.
And the Nameless Club is a perfectname for the club 'cause it's the
club we all become a part in, but wedon't really wanna join that club.
(06:25):
But we're so grateful.
Like when I see moms like you and I canlook at you, there's a kindredness that
we just are instantly connected and after.
And that day we were on a family vacation.
It was still chaotic and fun and crazy.
We left the house with Christmasdecorations on the floor, some
leftovers in the fridge, and wewent camping, up in the beach in mid
(06:49):
California, and we camped on the beach.
We had some off roading and we went outon the sand dunes and was off roading.
And.
I thought this, you can't getmuch more perfect than this.
The weather was perfect.
The kids were having fun.
Everyone was getting along.
And then in an instant, our lives changed.
(07:10):
We looked up and just in time to seeNicole, she was riding a three wheeler
and she got disoriented, we believe,and she went off us very high sand
dune and she landed on her head.
In that moment, it's likethings became snapshots.
I thought this can't be happening.
(07:30):
And then trying to deal witheven just getting to her.
I felt like I was running through mud andmy husband got to her first and pulled
off her helmet and began doing CPR.
She was unresponsive laterthat day at the hospital.
They told us.
The devastating news that she haddied, the doctor said very bluntly
(07:51):
that Nicole had died at the beach.
And in an instant you have what you thinkis going to be your life continuing and
then everything changes in an instant.
Oh, and I couldn't agree more, and Idon't know how you explain that to others.
It's like the life asyou knew it no longer is.
(08:12):
It's
every facet is just likeripped wide open, and
you have to face it, don't you?
what was that time like for you?
It was a very dark time.
and at the time, I never imaginedbeing able to experience joy again.
I never imagined that Iwould be able to survive.
(08:35):
And I think all of us as in thenameless club, all of us experience
that to a different level, but I thinkwe all experienced that for a bit.
And I think it's just part ofembracing what has happened.
We have to embrace what's happenedto be able to heal and go on.
And no, we're never restoredto the way we were, but I liken
(08:58):
it in my book to an amputation.
If I lose a limb, Yes, I'm still goingto live, but I have to mourn that limb
and I have to grieve what's happened andthen I have to learn to walk again and
that's how it was during that time atfirst, very dark, but just step after
step, we'd start, we started experiencinglight again as a family and individually.
(09:25):
Yeah.
Again, your analogy is so spot on,like losing a limb, yeah, because
it's phantom pain, you
forever feel that limb, don't
you?
So that was
Always.
Such a spot on description, and I'venever heard it described like that.
(09:45):
So thank you for sharing that becauseI think that's going to resonate with
some people hearing that going, Ah,yes, that's exactly what it's like.
So can you share with us how youmanage to keep your self strong and
your family strong during that time,Kim, or did it just take a while for
(10:08):
you just to find that pattern again?
Like it was just completechaos for a while.
I feel like it was complete chaos.
but talking to other people whowalked with us during that time,
they don't describe it that way.
So I think the chaos was inside myself.
(10:28):
I do think having the other kids that Iwas responsible for my other children.
I had to be able to in, in some ways,put my pain on a shelf for a little
bit so I could take care of them.
Each of them had differentrelationships with Nicole.
(10:50):
They had unique, positions inour family, unique personalities.
And so each of themgrieved very differently.
So I think that actuallywas helpful to me.
Sometimes I think whenwe're in ourselves so much.
it's hard to get to take a step, butwhen we can look outside to maybe
the needs of others for a time,you ha it's a definitely a balance.
(11:13):
You have to, you still haveto take care of this grief.
I had to take that griefoff the shelf eventually.
And sometimes it was littlepieces at a time and do that.
However, taking care of the kids andmy family was actually good for me
because it kept me walking forward.
And then.
As I, and that is the thingabout grief, it's not linear.
(11:36):
So sometimes I would have todeal with it in little chunks.
And then sometimes I just have to sinkin and just be swallowed by it for
a little bit, embrace it, recognizewhat I lost and honoring that because.
Losing Nicole, and I know youunderstand, losing our child...
(11:57):
it takes us into another dimension andwe really do have to learn to walk again.
And when we lock walk again, if we'vehad a limb amputated, it's a little
at a time, we can't go run a marathon.
We have to learn how to manage withthe pain, the phantom pain, all of
the things that those dreams thatnicole had, which I had for her.
(12:21):
All of those things are calendars.
Everything was adjusted.
So we had to learn how to change thosethings and then channel our family, maybe
into a little bit different direction.
Yeah.
So it's not a simple answer, butit's just one step at a time, one
breath at a time, one moment at a
congratulations to you because, yeah, itsounds like, you've navigated this well.
(12:48):
and when I say I think you navigatedit as best you could in the situations
that were arising at the time.
And I think that's all we can do, behonest and true to the whole process,
as you've discussed, like sometimes,I know I helped my daughter's teen
friends because some of them hadnever experienced death before.
(13:10):
And so that was distracting for me.
But like you say, it then comes hometo roost and then you have to face it.
Did you sit down with your familyand discuss how you were going to
try to navigate this time so thateverybody kind of knew that even
though you grieved differently,you were all in this together?
(13:35):
I think individually we did.
and I didn't do it great at first.
it was hard because I didn't understandthat each one of the kids and each
one of Nicole's friends, my husband,everyone grieves differently.
And at the, that's thebiggest thing I've learned.
In this, everybody grieves differently.
(13:55):
I expected grief to be this step.
Okay.
We're in the stages of grief.
And while I believe those stagesof grief are valid, I think we all
experience them in different forms.
And We didn't have an officialfamily meeting, but I would
talk to them individually.
how are you feeling about, like ourdaughter, Megan saw the accident,
(14:17):
let's talk about that, and go through,different what they felt they needed.
and it's hard for them.
It was hard for them to talk about.
And so we would take littlechunks at a time and.
I had to learn to let them grieve in theirindividual ways and my husband as well.
Yes.
Yeah.
(14:38):
And that's the thing.
We just assume everyone's going tobe like ourselves, And, you know,
deal with it in the same way, butyou were actually dealing with the
grief on a number of different frontsand a number of different ways.
So you have a very strong faith base, Kim.
How did you deal with not gettingangry at God for what happened?
(15:00):
Or did you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I did.
I, because before the accident, Ireally felt like if I did, this is
not a sound theological biblicalbelief, what I'm going to say.
So I just had this, I callit my comfort theology.
I thought if I did everything right,Then God would, perform the way I
(15:23):
felt like he was going to perform.
No, that is not correct.
And that's not even, I run my, I tryto run my faith through the Bible
and through the grid of the Bible.
And that's nowhere written in there.
And.
We all experience hardship on this earth.
It's not, if you're good things happen.
And there's the age old question.
(15:43):
Why do bad things happen to good people?
I still don't know that answer.
This is, but I'm not a good person.
None of us are really good.
You know what I'm saying?
it's not these.
Yeah, it's not this kid.
We can't put everything in these clearcut categories, but what I came to
realize is yes I was angry at God becauseI'm like, I believe that you could have
(16:06):
prevented this God Why didn't you preventthis and I never got the answer to that?
But what I got the answer to is thingsbad things happen in this world, and I
still don't understand I don't understandwhy, daughters are killed in accidents.
I don't understand why people, commitsuicide and we lose people to cancer.
(16:28):
I don't understand that.
But when I came away walking, whenI walked away from that experience
of being angry at God is number one,
he didn't turn away frommy anger, I believe.
And he carried me like thosedays that I couldn't get up.
I believe that I could feel Godpick me up and literally put me on
my feet, walk with me, sometimeseven just carrying me through,
(16:51):
ministering to my heart in that pain.
And also giving me thehope that I believe.
That their Nicole is in heaven.
I believe I'm going to see her again.
I, and I really believe she'smore alive than I am, which I
know sounds contradictory, butthat's really what I believe.
(17:12):
I believe that I will experience that.
And to remember that all wesee here is not all there is.
There's so much more to thislife than what we can see.
That's so beautiful, the way you'vedescribed that, so real, so honest, and I
love that, your description of God, just,just nurturing you through this time.
(17:35):
And I, like thatyou , believe that they are.
in a realm where there is no hurt, thereis no pain, it's just pure love and a
little bit envious to tell you the truth.
I know sometimes it'sokay, I completely agree.
Yeah.
(17:56):
So your darling Nicole would havebeen 42 this year, is that correct?
Yes.
so 24 years since the tragic accident,and you don't ever forget, do you?
What were some of the mostdifficult things for you personally
to manage, to understand and tocompletely get your head around?
(18:16):
You've just mentioned a few nowwith, were there any others that
were particularly difficult?
I think watching the passing of timewhere Nicole's friends were graduating
high school, Nicole was a senior.
So.
I went to the graduation ceremony,the school was wonderful and they
(18:37):
invited us and they had a chairwith Nicole's cap and gown there.
It was very beautiful,but it was very painful.
those beautiful people that were sokind to us, they had kids that were
graduating and our family went andwe sat with them and we cried with
them and they cried with us, but wecongratulated them, but that was hard.
And then when her best friend gotmarried and then later on when, They,
(19:01):
her friends had children and I feltlike time stopped for me at that moment.
but everyone else's lives continuedand that was a really difficult
adjustment to learn how to love themand congratulate them also grieve in my
own heart, that on this earth, I'm notgoing to experience that with Nicole.
(19:27):
And that was a difficultthing for me, for sure.
And then her loss of dreams.
We had her, we had her show horse.
We had things that, we had tohandle real logistical things.
That horse was not going to languishin a barn that, and he was purchase
for her to show and she was.
(19:48):
Showing at a high level, but whenwe had to sell him, that was hard.
It was like selling her dream.
Just a side note.
I was able to get in contact with thegirl who bought him, the horse, and
he's still living and he's amazing.
and she's kept him all theseyears and she sends me pictures.
So those kinds of thingsare the blessings.
(20:09):
it's a blessing raw pain in sellinghim, but getting to see her throughout
all of these years, show him.
yeah.
last year going through what you'vejust described profoundly, like
recognizing that, I'm never going tosee my child walk down an aisle or find
(20:32):
the love of her life or have children.
We used to joke about me, you know, melooking after the children all the time.
She'd go, no, you'll belooking after my kids.
My mom go, don't you be too sure.
But it was always this banter betweenus and then having the reality
that's never going to be the case.
And making peace with that.
(20:53):
Making peace with that inside.
But it's like you say, and Ilove this about you and what
you're doing is that you can seethe positives on the flip side.
So let's talk about how we sit with griefand yet we sit with all the other good
things and those amazing memories as well.
(21:15):
Yes.
Do you
I think the more time thatpasses, the easier it becomes.
At first just memories are just harsh,but I think that as I was able to embrace
those beautiful memories that, theexperiences we had with Nicole were real.
Just because she passed away,doesn't mean those memories.
(21:38):
It doesn't erase what wegot to experience together.
And I think that's partof the joy and sorrow.
that I could grieve that I wasn't gettingto experience more time with her, but then
cherish and savor those relations, thosememories that we had when she was here.
And I think that's part of it.
(21:59):
And then another part of it is, and Iknow you've talked about this a little
bit is what we've learned from them.
I learned so much and I don't even knowthat I realized it until even now, as I go
through life, I'm like, Oh, you know what?
Nicole handled that situation sonicely, one thing Nicole did, she
loved people so unconditionally.
(22:22):
And it will remind me sometimes whenI'm wrestling with that, I'm like, okay,
how would Nicole have handled this?
And I do believe Godreminds me of those things.
okay, how do you think thatNicole would have handled that?
Would she have put judgment onthat person or would she have given
that person grace or, also thefact that Nicole never gave up.
(22:44):
She worked super hard on herwith her horse and she had some
real trials with that horse.
But then she conquered and she onlyconquered because she kept trying.
So on those days that I feel, like givingup, I can draw from those memories and
that's where the joy, part of it comes in.
So we, in every kind of situation,in the hard and the sweet, we have to
(23:10):
realize there's two sides and that'swhere balance starts and it doesn't.
And that wasn't thatwasn't right overnight.
I think we can really acknowledge thatyou have to go through the dark night
of your soul and walk through that,but then you can start bringing in the
light and bringing in the beauty andrecognizing and then understanding that
(23:32):
we're, that everything we see here.
Is there so much more and then thatagain ushers in more beauty and
more joy and hope and all of thosethings and that helps bring that
balance that you were talking about.
do you think and this is something I'veoften thought about, is that when I hear
(23:54):
about children who have passed or readabout them and that they always seem
to be these exceptional individuals,like they're not your average child.
And so I actually often think, theyare ascended souls that, they come
here and teach us and show us the way.
(24:16):
And yeah,
yeah, I like to think of that too.
we think about exactly like yousaid, so many of the people that
the moms that I've met whosechildren have gone on before them.
Yeah.
It's like that.
And I think, God, did you justlet me have her for those 17 years
just to teach me how to live?
I don't know.
(24:36):
I think it's a beautiful thought.
And I think that, there are some peoplein this world that it's just, their
impact is so powerful for those yearsthat they could have lived 80 years,
but they lived Nicole 17 years, yourdaughter, just a teenager, just those few
(24:57):
short years made an impact of a lifetime.
So yeah, I completely, andI like to think about that.
yes, that fills my heart as well, becauseI remember a time, and I've spoken
about this on other episodes, where,I had the funeral home come to me and
say, how many people are we expecting?
(25:18):
and I thought to .Myself, how couldyou possibly answer that question?
How could you
possibly know?
But you know what?
I reflected on that afterwardand that child drew people
from every corner of life.
I had no idea the length and breadth thatshe had impacted people across, from her
(25:41):
own peers, right through to older peopleI worked with, through to, Oh, she was
in so many different groups and that,and it truly filled my heart to know
that in 18 short years, here was somebodywho had impacted so, so many lives.
And that is somethingI will always treasure.
(26:03):
Yes.
I completely agree.
We experienced much the same thing.
I would, I was so surprised how manypeople told me, Oh, I was Nicole's
or Nicole was my best friend.
Nicole was my best friend.
And I'm thinking how many best friendscan one person have, but just the,
and those stories, I know that.
Those stories are so good for us tothink about how they touched other
(26:27):
people's lives and then bring usoutside of ourselves and go, okay,
what's my mission now while I'm here.
And another treasure when you starttalking to those people is that you
find out all those hidden gems thatyou never knew about that Nicole
probably never spoke about, theamazing little acts of kindness and
(26:47):
what have you that she probably did.
And you went, Oh my gosh,
It's, and it's like getting to spend alittle more time with her because it's
just another dimension of her life.
It's like actually getting to justhang out with her a little bit more.
And now that you've mentionedthat, that is so true.
(27:08):
I, and every time, and sometimes I'llstill hear a story, not as many now that
life has passed so far, but I, then I'llhear these stories and I'm like, I just
got to spend another moment with Nicole.
absolutely.
Because I didn't get toexperience that part of her.
so beautiful.
Are you feeling lost, anxious,unsure of how to navigate the
(27:28):
loss of your beautiful loved one.
I don't know where to head next.
Yeah, I get that.
Then you may be interested in thenew new offering I've developed
A Letter of Hope and Aroha.
To help you find out whoyou are right here and now.
And how you can navigate that withoutbeing on that emotional roller
(27:49):
coaster feeling out of control.
That's a feeling I really dislikedafter Tahl and then Adrian died.
So I've developed an eight weeksupport program where each week you
get an email of what worked for me.
As well as other tried and true toolsto help with grief, it's a beautiful
calming, mean healing resource thatI think you're really going to like.
(28:13):
And that you can use in youreveryday life to find out what
works for you and what doesn't.
And the great thing is you findyourself feeling stronger and more in
control, so you can work out what youwant life to look like going forward.
So with this sounds like somethingyou would like to check out, head
over to my website, or check outthe link in the episode notes, you're
(28:37):
looking for A Letter of Hope & Aroha.
So I know you went through a tough time,going through those stages What helped you
move forward to having hope and healing?
it was a whole body thing for me.
(28:58):
first of all, with my physical body,I needed to, and it sounds very
simplistic, but for me getting outside,walking in nature, it helped me to
get out of my pain because there'ssomething about nature that just
widens our heart, if that makes sense.
and I had to, and I didn't want to,I didn't want to get out of bed,
(29:20):
but I would force myself, especiallycause she passed away in winter.
So I felt I'm going to be in winterforever, but then spring came and
that's what happens in our lives,even in grief, spring comes.
And then these little bursts of.
just light would come into my heart and I,okay, I'm going to make myself go outside.
(29:40):
I'm going to go outside for 10 minutes.
And it actually ended up that my husbandwould have to go, okay, Kim, it's time to
come in because I would just be outsidein my garden and it was so therapeutic
for my body just to get outside.
So for me just walking outside, youdon't have to do a big workout, but just
walking outside and experiencing God'screation, I think is a huge thing because
(30:05):
that just got me outside of my pain.
And then I had to be really careful aboutwhat I took into my mind because when
someone is sick or someone has experienceda trauma, I think our brains are so
sensitive to any negativity, anything thatis harsh, whether it's in music or the
(30:26):
news or even course talk, all of thosethings, they seem to assault my brain.
Brain, if that makes sense.
And I had to really be careful tofeed my brain positive things for me.
That was like scriptureor a beautiful song.
I just had to be carefulwhat I fed my brain.
And I also had to becareful what I fed my body.
(30:48):
I know that seems very practical, but Ihad to be careful to take care of my body.
Cause when you're ingrief, you don't care.
And the more I didn't take care ofmy body, the worse I physically felt,
which then transferred to my spirit.
And so I had to just walk through inthose kinds of things and understand
that I had to watch what I ingested,whether it's in my mind, in my
(31:10):
heart, and in my body physically.
And those kinds of things helped meto start walking through to, to gain
healing in a way it's training, trainingmyself to, okay, what am I going to,
What am I going to focus my eyes on?
And I think that's important becausewhen you're grieving hope does not feel
(31:32):
it, it feels like there is no hope.
So you have to train yourself and remindyourself there is hope when a lie of.
of just ugliness would come into my mind.
I had to combat it with thetruth and it's a battle.
We all have the battlewith any kind of thing.
But when our hearts are immersedand our minds are immersed in grief,
(31:52):
it's a fierce battle and you have to.
You have to, fight that with truth.
For instance, like blaming.
Some of us might blame ourselves.
I should have prevented that.
I didn't do enough.
I was a bad mom.
All those are lies because I don'tbelieve there's anything that, I
wasn't a perfect mom, but I loved her.
(32:12):
We did the best I could.
And the lie would be.
Okay.
You caused this.
You should have fixed it.
You should have helped her.
The truth is no, there was nothing thatI could have done to change that moment.
I believe that was hermoment to leave this earth.
I really believe that.
And so that's how we haveto really protect our minds.
(32:34):
Battle that with, the liesand the truth constantly.
what you've just said there is gold,because I think it is the battle with our
mind, which determines whether we're goingto step through this and embrace it all
as it is, or whether we get stuck in it.
And I know for me, I was very definiteabout never asking why, because there
(33:01):
was never going to be an answer for me.
And I couldn't do that.
I couldn't go down those, rabbitholes and, because the reality
was it doesn't, didn't even matterif I got an answer because it
wasn't going to change anything.
It wouldn't be big enough.
Your answer would not have made it better.
no, no change anything.
(33:21):
So let's talk about your book now.
You wrote a book, VictoriousHeart, Finding Hope and Healing
After a Devastating Loss.
Now, this has been written to helppeople who are suffering a loss manage
those first like birthdays and allthose anniversaries that seem to come
(33:42):
all too regularly and how to protecttheir mind exactly from what we've
just been talking about the blame game.
So why did you feel theneed to write this book?
book and what was the process foryou of putting pen to paper and
having to get all of that out?
(34:03):
at first I thought I was just goingto, be there for other parents
who had lost their children.
And so when someone we knew, Ifthey knew somebody that had lost
a child, they would call me.
I would go and spend time with them,verbally walk through what helped
me and everybody is different.
(34:24):
So I'm very clear in the book.
Everybody experiences things different.
Here's some of the things that helped me,and here's some of the things that were
maybe not so helpful, but I would do that.
But I really felt like.
I needed to, be able to offer that in away that would be helpful to more people.
And also I really felt like if when I lostNicole, I felt isolated and I felt alone.
(34:49):
And I think if grieving parents couldunderstand they're not alone and that
other people understand, back to thenameless club, when I would see a mom
that had lost someone maybe, and shewas like seven years down the line.
I would just marvel ather when I'd look at her.
Okay.
She's doing it.
She's walking.
(35:09):
She's moving.
She's functioning.
She's working.
She has purpose.
Oh, look, there's a smile.
I see joy.
That was so encouraging.
So I really wanted to bethat for other people.
I really wanted to be able toshow, no, you are not alone.
Here are some things that helped me.
Here are some things.
I also have sections at the end ofeach chapter that, are for your friend,
(35:33):
for the friends of a grieving one.
These, and it's loving themwell is what it's called.
And okay, these are somethings that people did for
me that were really helpful.
And here's some things that you cando to help your grieving loved one.
And those things.
were, it weighed heavy on my heart, butI was in the, midst of raising the kids.
(35:55):
We ended up adopting two more boys.
So writing a book felt likethere is no way that I can do it.
So it just felt, I had to raise these kidsand I can't put pen to paper, writing a
book is take so much time and dedication.
So when our youngest son left home,I thought, okay, now's the time.
(36:16):
And I was able to just spend,hours in front of the computer
writing down just my journey.
And.
Maybe going a little bit deeper and alittle bit deeper until I was able to
put on paper what I felt were some ofthe most important things and stages
that we went through as a family.
And so it just, it was definitelya while in the process.
(36:40):
Kim, can I just ask, do you feellike Nicole was guiding you on
that process as you were writing?
in some ways I do, in some ways,and I don't know how heaven works,
but in, in some ways I could feelher going and I think you probably
understand what I'm saying.
(37:00):
why I asked.
Yes.
Go mom.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm just, I just, I don't knowhow it works and I don't know if.
I don't know, but that's how I feel.
And it's a beautiful thing.
When I finished, when I turned thatinto the publisher and got my final
(37:21):
draft back, it was just like, I feltlike she was saying, good job, mom.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
and you've written it from such abeautiful angle as well, because I
believe that's what it's all about.
It's just finding love again, in whateverform you can, and just gently at first,
(37:42):
and oh gosh, that's been a big deal.
big thing for me.
And I, again, I'm just going to sharewith you cause I know you so get it.
Yes.
and so there was a time whereI got so busy with life, I
nearly gave away my podcast.
It was getting harder and harder to findthe time to do the interviews and then to
(38:02):
edit everything and release the episodes.
And it dropped off a bit and then itwas like a life hit me in the smack in
the face with a health ailment that Ihad no option but to take time out for.
and I just kept thinking,what's this all about?
because I've been takingreally good care of my health.
(38:24):
And I thought I was doing fine.
The reality of it and themessage was that you need to
go back to what you love to do.
this is what
you need to be doing.
This is what you love to do.
And when I realized that, it waslike a ding, ding moment for me.
And I thought, ah, so I guess you probablyfelt that about your book as well.
(38:47):
Like it was almost likeyou couldn't ignore it.
You had to give birth to it.
Yes.
Yes.
It was a almost like a divine directive.
Like you, I have to do this and victoriousheart is, a few days after Nicole went to
heaven, we got a bookmark from our friendand it had Nicole's name and her, the
(39:08):
meaning of her name is victorious heart.
And so when I was thinking aboutthe book and thinking about my
life, that's one of the things Ilearned about her is she lived with
a victorious heart every single day.
Every moment she just squeezed out,beauty and victory in every day.
And victorious means you'revictorious over something, you,
(39:32):
there has to be a battle, right?
So I really felt That'swhat I wanted my life to be.
I didn't want to be defined by grief, butI wanted to be, have a victorious heart
in grief and show that we do grieve,but we grieve with hope and beauty.
And there's so much more to our lives.
And I think that's so important.
(39:53):
And then I got the coolest opportunitylast year, to record the book on audio.
Well done.
And at first I wasn't goingto, I said, I cannot read this.
This is, I cannot do that.
This is going to be too painful, but letme tell you, the producer said, no, you
have to, it needs to be in your voicebecause it will be more meaningful.
(40:14):
And let me tell you, it was so therapeuticand to even go through it again.
And to be reminded, yes, there werehard, there were very hard times
of reading, but also just how far.
That God has broughtus in just our journey.
and again, it's not because I'mstrong because I am a wimp, but
it's because that we can't, we canbe victorious in all of this stuff.
(40:39):
So I really think that's a beautifulpart of anybody's story that yes,
there's going to be hard things.
There's going to be devastatingthings and not to make light of
it, but to know that we can bevictorious in all of those things.
do you think this experience haschanged your life for the better?
(41:02):
What do you think you'vedeveloped now out of this?
Out of this tragic loss of Nicole,
I think I see through the fragilityof life, the beauty of life.
I think I see how important it is tobe intentional and be present and to
(41:26):
savor every moment that we have thatthere really are no ordinary moments.
There's moments that we go towork and they feel everything
feels ordinary, but really it'snot, there's no ordinary moments.
And I think that is the biggest thing.
This has taught me it's importantthat we love very fiercely those
(41:46):
people that are put into ourlives and sometimes it's friends.
Sometimes it's friends of Nicole's or likefriends of yours daughters that you just.
You draw from, you will draw from, butalso you're putting back into their lives.
And I think living in with thatintentionality has been a big part of it.
That my life, I don't always do it.
(42:09):
I will get in the doldrums and the routineand, but I have to remind myself, no, this
is, there are no ordinary moments and Ihave to savor every single second because
we don't know how long we're going to havewith the person sitting across from us
or even our own lives to make an impact.
We, we don't,
yeah, so you have to see for eachand every moment just as it is and
(42:31):
enjoy it and truly that's what'sgiven me so much heart, um, and
I think it's about others too.
Do you speak about Nicole all the time?
Is that something you do?
yes, all the time.
And at first I felt a little bit.
I didn't want to make people feeluncomfortable, but what I realized
(42:54):
is other people need to hear her nameas much as I need to hear her name.
Absolutely.
yeah,
Oh, I'm so pleased you saidthat because I talk about Tahl
she was a big part of my life.
I'm not going to relegatethat to a shelf to be dusted
every once in a while.
no,
she's front and center.
yes.
(43:14):
And she's still influencing, yourpodcast, your life, how you live,
she's still influencing you and notonly you, but the people that all
those people that were at her service.
They're still beinginfluenced by her life.
and I feel the same way about Nicole.
And I think that's important to beable to recognize and hold on to.
(43:36):
I recall speaking to somebodywho had gone his whole life, his
brother died and he was quite young.
And then the family nevermentioned him again.
And it was like the photos were putsomewhere and of course, when I lost
Tahl that brought everything up for him.
(43:57):
It was like this huge loss andgrief that welled up inside of him,
all those suppressed emotions havenever been able to talk about his
brother and honor him and, just love.
the impact that he made, evenif just for such a short while.
I think it's important that wedo honor our loved ones that
(44:20):
have, passed over way too soon.
Yes, I agree.
And, have you heard of that Japanese artform called, Kintsugi, I think it is?
Kenzuki.
Yes, I have.
do you have that?
Yes.
see where, there we go.
I love Kenzuki.
I know your listeners will not beable to see, but yes, completely.
(44:45):
It's a beautiful art.
yes.
And I think that, symbolizes our lives.
We get broken, we get shattered, butwe can put them back together again.
And it's beautiful the way wecan put them back together again.
They may not look perfect,but there is a beauty in that.
And that's what that artform represents, isn't it?
(45:06):
Yes.
Yeah.
The beauty is in the flaws of thepiece and the brokenness of the
piece, all the gold and I thinkthat's such a great example.
I'm so glad
Oh, gosh.
Now, this really does become amission in our life, doesn't it?
Honoring, our beautiful girls.
so how are you still helpingothers now, 24 years down the line?
(45:33):
through my book, and my blog, Itried to post about any kind of
loss and just struggles and howto walk through and maybe navigate
struggles that we all have in life.
And then I still meet, I still speakand meet with grieving moms, as It's
whenever the opportunity arises.
Sometimes I won't talk to someonefor a while and then somebody else
(45:56):
will be coming to my path that Ifeel like it's, that I, it's my,
I hate to say job, but it's mydirective to just walk and hold them.
No, even better.
It's my privilege.
It's my privilege.
That's a better word to be able to walkwith that mama when she's hurting, or
sometimes it's a wife that's lost herhusband, whatever that is, grief yeah
(46:20):
is grief and they need to, everyoneneeds to know they don't walk alone.
And I love that, there are so many peoplewho may never ever say anything to us,
but they're watching from a distance.
They're watching and they're admiring.
And you say you're not strong,but there is a beautiful inner
strength that does get called
(46:40):
upon.
to help us navigate this journey.
And I think you epitomize that so well.
I just want to talk also about thefabulous idea, of the quilt you received,
tell us a bit more about that, Kim.
about the quote.
the quilt,
Oh, the quilt.
Thank you.
(47:01):
Sorry about
English, a
Oh, the beautiful quilt.
So my, neighbor, I had a really difficulttime, parting with Nicole's clothes and
I just kept saving them and saving them.
And I ended up giving them to my neighborwho is a seamstress and just thinking,
(47:21):
okay, just when you get a chance, canyou just do something with these clothes?
And on her birthday, she presentedthis amazing, beautiful quilt and
she had hand stitched every littlepart of it, of all Nicole's clothes.
shirts, especially from horse shows,her church type t shirts that she wore.
(47:44):
All of her funny, she wasa very free spirited girl.
So her style was a little bit wild.
And so all of that is.
Is hand stitched into this beautifulquilt that has, has just brought me
so much comfort and it's gigantic.
And this woman, bless her heart.
She had spent so much timeon this and so much love.
(48:06):
And it was definitely a labor oflove and just that, that act of hers.
And it took her months, but I hadforgot that she had the clothes, but
labor of love.
That was
exactly just what poppedinto my mind as you said, a
labor of love and how beautiful and whata fabulous way to deal with, those clothes
(48:27):
and things, because that is a tricky thing
to have to deal with, thoseare the tougher moments that
people forget about, yeah.
are when you have to, cause those arereal things that you have to manage.
Those are real things that you haveto deal with and you want to cling on
to every part of them that you can.
yes, I know.
(48:48):
Wow.
What a fabulous conversation I've had theprivilege of having with you today, Kim.
And I'd just love to finish off witha few questions I ask all my guests.
And the first is, what is the best thingthat has happened to you so far today?
That question I knew youwere going to ask me.
(49:09):
So I thought, and it's been what Isaid, there are no ordinary days, but
the best thing that happened to metoday is I got to go out and just spend
a little bit of time with my horse.
I know that seems very simplistic,but she's, it helps me to
feel close to Nicole because.
She was into horses and nowin my older age, I'm able to
(49:33):
have a horse and ride her.
And so I got to just spend time andI know that it seems weird, but she
seemed extra sweet and kind to me today.
Just like one of those thingsthat it's almost as if she knew
I needed a little extra love.
So that as some people might findthat silly, but for me, it was just
a really beautiful moment in my
(49:53):
no, that just warmed my heart.
Oh, good.
And what is something thatyou are most grateful for?
Oh, there's so many things, but I thinkthat even I'm most grateful in general
for that even on my darkest days andeven on my hardest days I have purpose
(50:16):
and there is a plan for my life.
And, I'm not going to bedefined by my darkest days.
I'm going to have joy in those days.
I'm going to find beautyin each of those days.
And just the fact that I'mable to do that, that I, what
I see is not all there is.
And so that is an important thing forme to always go back to when I'm, when I
(50:40):
need to find something to be grateful for,
Oh, that's beautiful.
And when you have those dark moments inyour day, how do you pivot out of those?
What's your go to?
it actually goes back to gratitudebecause even when I'm having those
days, I really believe there's somethingthat we can always be grateful for.
(51:02):
And that might be as simple as the sunon our face or the sound of the birds
singing, or the laughter of a child.
If I am able to look outside of thatdarkness and find something to be grateful
for, even if it's just one thing, if I tryto find a handful of things, but if I can
do that, that helps me pull out of thosedark days and take another step forward.
(51:26):
yes.
So 100 percent agree.
Every day, gratitude is my cornerstone.
yes.
Yeah,
I used to always think itwas such a trite thing.
Oh yeah, let's be grateful.
yeah.
but now I think it's the mostlife changing thing that you could
(51:46):
possibly have as part of your life.
Yes.
Yes.
Is there anything else that you wouldlike our listeners to know that perhaps
we haven't had the opportunity to cover?
I just would like people to know thatit, even if you're in that dark place and
there's no way you feel like you can findbeauty on that side of grief, you feel
(52:11):
like there's no way you can experiencejoy or hope, that I just encourage.
I, we have felt that way, but I justencourage them to keep walking, that you
will experience beauty again in your life.
And I have a feeling that it'sgoing to be more beautiful than
you anticipated it would ever be.
That you will find beauty,you will find hope, you will
(52:32):
find joy, and it will happen.
But you just have to keep walkingthrough each of these steps.
I know I feel a bit guilty sayingthat my life is better now since Tahl
left us, when I was going throughall of that and that's just because
she's just gifted me so many beautifullearnings and moments since then.
(52:54):
So yes, I understand that, but still feela little bit guilty sometimes saying that.
yes, I know what you mean.
for anybody who is listening whowould like to get hold of you and all
the hold of get hold of your book.
How can they do that?
Can I'll have it in the
episode notes, but sorry.
okay.
(53:14):
No, that's okay.
the book Victorious Heart, it's, youcan get it wherever books are sold.
Easiest is usually Amazon and nowit's in paperback, Kindle and audible,
which I'm super excited about theaudible, because it's just, I feel
like, such a special offering.
and then my blog is Wild Victorious Heart
(53:36):
and so you can contact me, on thatthrough my blog, my emails on there.
There's, you can track medown through that easy.
I also have some of my, and blogsand different kinds of things that
might be encouragement to people.
And then I'm on Instagram, just my name,Kim Peacock and Facebook, Kim Peacock.
And and I try to answer anyonethat reaches out, pretty quickly.
(54:01):
So if someone needs to getahold of me, usually through
those avenues, I can be found.
You can be found.
That sounds
good.
And if anybody forgets any of this, theyjust need to go and have a look at the
episode notes because I'll have thoselinks or all of those links there as well.
Kim, what an absolute privilegeit has been to be able to connect
(54:24):
with such a like minded soul.
Like I felt this instantconnection with you.
Me too.
Me too.
Gosh, and I've just loved having thisconversation with you and sharing,
the wisdom that you've garnered,through your own loss and how you've
come through that so magnificently.
(54:44):
And, it's been a privilege for me tospeak to you, and I'm so very grateful.
So thank you.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
And thank you as well, Helen.
I feel like I have a sisterall those miles away.
You do indeed.
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