April 16, 2025 • 36 mins
Tracey shares the heartfelt story of her daughter T'Kenya's passing 19 years ago, and how this profound loss transformed her life's purpose and birthed her business, Living My Empowered Life.
• The origin of T'Kenya's name came through a vivid dream.
• 13 cherished memories, including her contagious laugh, homemade cards, and heartfelt hugs.
• The importance of recording memories while loved ones are still here.
• How finding her daughter's prayer in her Bible created her business name.
• The transition from grief to becoming a grief coach.
• Why children are more perceptive than we often realize.
• The understanding that grief has no time limit, but how we grieve should change.
• Lessons about documenting precious moments with family before it's too late.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Come, take a seat on the couch.
Welcome, as we talk abouteverything under the sun.
You only live once, so I leavemy empower line.
Welcome to the Charging Station.
No matter what you're fixing,you can join the conversation me
and the Charging Station.
What's good everybody?
(00:27):
Welcome to the Charging StationPodcast.
It's your girl, tracy Mastia,of Living my Empowered Life.
Hello, hello, hello.
If you are new here, welcome tothe shenanigans.
I hope that you will stay.
We are making room for you onthe couchy couch.
All right, everybody, you knowwhat to do.
Grab your coffee, grab your tea, grab your water, grab your
wine whatever your beverage ofchoice is, go ahead and grab
(00:49):
that thing and have a seat onthe couchy couch.
If you are a returning viewer,listener, subscriber, friend,
welcome.
You know I love me some of you.
I'm so happy, happy, happy, inthe words of Uncle Si Happy,
happy, happy to have you here.
So, yeah, we are here foranother episode and I am kind of
(01:10):
in a somber mood today becauseat the time of the recording of
this podcast, I am rememberingmy daughter.
Today, april 16th 2006, my lifeas I knew it changed forever.
My daughter passed away, andtoday makes 19 years that I have
(01:32):
been without my heartbeat.
That's what I call her, myheartbeat.
So I decided to, this morning,commemorate her life, celebrate
her life in a different way.
Sorry, y'all, I did not plug inmy laptop, so let me go and
plug that in before she goes I'mabout to say goes missing
(01:53):
before we lose battery.
All right, sorry, I just didn'twant the episode to go down in
the middle of the episode.
So this morning I commemoratedmy daughter in a different way
and I posted 13 things I missabout her, and let me put my
phone on silent, but I'm goingto share those 13 things and
(02:17):
just kind of share how I gotinto grief coaching.
She's actually the reason why Igot into grief coaching.
She is also the reason why Igot into grief coaching.
She is also the reason why wehave Living my Empowered Life.
So a lot of people don't knowmy story and how I got here.
So this is just one layer of meand I'm going to share that
with you today, if you don'tmind.
If you don't mind, now, now,now, now, now, now.
(02:40):
Before we do all that, let meget some housekeeping stuff out
of the way here.
We keep it classy over here,but you can also follow me on
all of the socials.
You can find me at Living myEmpowered Life.
I'm on Instagram, facebook,youtube, but of course, if
you're watching YouTube, youknow that Threads TikTok what am
(03:07):
I missing?
And you can also join my emaillist for it.
It's about weekly to bi-weeklymonthly email that I send out
Y'all.
If I don't have anything to say, I don't say anything.
So there's that.
I don't believe in just givingfluff, but follow me on all the
socials.
Make sure you are subscribed tothe charging station podcast on
your preferred listeningplatform or it says follow
whatever it asks you to do.
Make sure you get theseepisodes.
Go ahead, do that.
And also, I would appreciate itif you would go ahead and leave
(03:29):
a review.
Let us know why you listen tothe show, what you like about
the show, leave us five stars orfive mics wherever you're
watching, listening or whatever,and all that jazz.
Okay, now we got that out theway.
Let me tell you about my child.
So how do I start?
Let's just start at thebeginning.
My daughter was the only childthat I had.
(03:51):
She's the only child that I'mgoing to have, because I'm not
having any more children, andshe was basically the light of
my life.
I had her when I was 16.
So I was a young mom and wegrew up together.
You know, we had a really greatrelationship.
(04:11):
I wanted her to have the thingsthat I did not have Later on in
life.
I kind of understand why my momwell, kind of I kind of
understand why my mom did thingsthe way that she did, but I
also felt like I did not want todo those same things with my
child.
So I made sure that I had anopen door, open mic policy with
my daughter where she could cometo talk to me, because I
(04:36):
remember what it's like being akid and having questions and
then just getting shut down by aparent.
I did not want my child to feelthat way.
Okay, so I tried to bebasically the parents that my
mother was not to me, that's noslight.
To my mom, she did the bestthat she can do with what she
had.
And later on in my life, like Isaid, I can kind of understand
(04:57):
some things and why she did somethings, especially finding
siblings and all this stuff.
So, yeah, yeah, I said I'mgonna stop saying my life is
boring, because clearly it's notGo back and listen to other
episodes, especially theBranches series, you'll get an
understanding of what I'mtalking about.
But today's episode is about mybaby girl.
Her name was Takenya.
It's Takenya, and how I got hername was I was actually asleep
(05:23):
taking a nap got her name was Iwas actually asleep taking a nap
.
And that day my mom and I weretalking about baby names and
just kind of mulling thingsaround, and if my mom had any
say-so in the naming of mydaughter, she would have had the
longest name known to man and Iwas just not having it.
One thing my mom said was don'tgive that child again on name.
(05:45):
Like that was my mom.
But I remember dreaming and inmy dream I was driving in a
convertible going down thishighway, which was odd because
at the time I was not old enoughto drive.
Like I said, I was a young mom,I had my daughter, I, I was 16.
I had a kid before I had adriver's license.
(06:05):
Okay, so I was in my dream andI was driving down this highway
and I looked up and I saw thisbillboard and on this billboard
it had all of these lightsaround the billboard.
It just illuminated the highway.
It almost looked like a star inthe sky, and on that billboard
(06:27):
was my daughter's name.
So I woke up, I wrote that namedown, didn't tell anybody what
her name was going to be, andthat's what I named her the
exact spelling, everything.
And that's what I named her.
And I truly believe that thatwas God telling me what to name
my daughter, because the waythat this child blessed my life
(06:56):
I can't even put into words.
I'm really going to try to getthrough this without crying.
I've already cried this morningand even though it's been 19
years you know, I always saygrief has no time limit I
grieved my daughter this morning.
Grief has no time limit, butthe way that I grieve today, 19
years later, is different thanthe way that I grieved the night
that she passed away.
(07:17):
So the tears are mixed withgratitude and sadness and anger,
like it's all the things, butmore so heavily on the gratitude
, because I realized that for 13years God allowed me to be this
child's mother.
He blessed me with such abeautiful gift.
It's one of the best gifts he'sgiven me outside of Jesus,
(07:40):
jesus and Holy Spirit.
So I'm so very thankful to havebeen her mother for 13 years on
this earth and I don't takethat lightly, y'all.
If I cry, I'm sorry, not sorry,sorry, not sorry, sorry.
That's my baby.
So let me share with you the 13things that I actually miss
about her.
And there's so many things thatI miss about this child, but
(08:02):
I'm just going to share 13things that just popped up in my
head this morning.
One thing her laugh.
That my daughter had the mostcontagious laugh.
Whenever she laughed I couldnot help but laugh myself
because it was just.
I can't even describe it.
(08:24):
I wish I had a recording of herlaugh.
She's the reason why I keep acamera in somebody's face now.
She's the reason why I keepvideo going, because those
memories I don't have anymore.
And let's be honest, the morethat time passes, the more the
sound wanes, the memory startsto fade and I hate that.
(08:47):
But I miss her laugh because itwas very contagious.
I miss her smile.
She had a smile that literallycould light up a room.
Even though I can see her smilethrough pictures and things,
it's still different.
It's different because she'snot here, of course, and usually
when she was smiling she wouldhave that laugh, that laugh
(09:09):
would be attached to it.
So I definitely missed thaty'all.
I said I was going to try.
I was going to try.
Sorry, not sorry, and I have notissues in here, so we're just
going to have to wing it.
There's a paper towel, alright,we're going to use that, I
don't know.
Okay, we're just going to usethat.
(09:29):
All right, harder than me, andI just got my lashes done.
Y'all, I practice what I preach.
Y'all, I'm in the grief waveand I'm riding the wave because
God is in control.
I'm allowing myself to feelwhat I feel, I'm allowing these
tears to flow and I'm keeping ontrucking, telling you I
practice what I preach.
I don't sit here and just telly'all this stuff.
I live it.
(09:49):
I live it every single day, allright.
Third thing that I miss about mychild our inside jokes.
We about my child, our insidejokes, we, people that knew us,
people that knew my daughter,people that knew us.
Together.
We would have these insidejokes and we could be around
somebody and just start laughingand nobody would have any idea
(10:10):
what we're laughing about.
But we would know, and it wasjust these things that would
start at home, like she couldsay something or I could say
something and we both would justfall out and it was just an
inside joke.
I miss that.
I definitely miss that.
There was always a funny momentwith her.
I miss the way she would saymother.
She would say mother to make melaugh when she knew she was in
(10:36):
trouble.
Now, no child is perfect.
I'm not saying my child wasperfect.
She was a kid and so she triedit.
She would try some things.
I remember the time she forgedmy signature on a report card
because her grades flipped andshe signed her report card and
I'm going to tell this story.
She would probably like pinchme right now if she was still
(10:58):
here.
But she forged my signature onher report card.
And how I found out was I alwayskept up with the school
schedule so I knew when progressreports were coming out, I knew
when report cards were comingout, things like that, and I
hadn't gotten her report card.
So I was like what's going on?
And so I tripped her up.
(11:21):
I actually she kept saying thatshe didn't get it.
She didn't get it and I youknow, you know your kid, you
know when your child is lying toyou, you know.
So I let her go on with the lie.
What my child did not realizewas that I had made friends at
the school, which wasintentional.
I knew all her teachers.
I knew the front office staff.
I knew the secretary of theschool, ms Truesdale.
(11:43):
Shout out to Ms Truesdalewherever you are.
Dear Ms Truesdale probablyremembers this story.
I called Ms Truesdale directlyand I say Ms Truesdale, I know
y'all got these report cards,can you send it to me?
She said but, ms Master, yousigned it.
You know we bought it, right Meand Ms Truesdale bought it.
I said I did not sign a reportcard.
Ms Truesdale pulled her reportcard.
(12:04):
She said well, somebody did.
And I said Ms Truesdale, canyou fax that to me?
Now?
Keep in mind this is 2006.
We still have fax machines.
Okay, I said work.
She faxed it to me.
This child had my report, mysignature down so well, it
(12:24):
almost looked like mine, exceptat the tail end of my last name.
You could tell she got scaredand she chickened out.
I said this little heiferforged my signature.
So of course I had to go withthe bit.
She was at school.
I waited till she got home andI asked her again.
I said can you raise yourreport card?
(12:45):
And she again, she was ridingwith the life, but I could see
she was cracking, she was ridingwith the life.
I said I'm gonna ask you onemore time and this time I want
you to tell me the truth becauseI know that you're lying to me.
That child broke down and I sawher grades have fallen.
So she was an A B student, shevery, very smart, and I figured
(13:17):
she had gotten, like me, whereshe was getting teased for
making good grades.
So once she did get in troublefor telling me that lie.
But one thing she said was well, mother, I just didn't want you
to be upset.
And when she said mother, I hadto turn my head and kind of
chuckle, because she knewexactly what to say and when to
say it, to make me laugh, tokind of break my defenses down.
(13:40):
But I knew I had to handlebusiness.
So every parent knows this whenyour child does something
that's funny but you can't letthem see you laugh.
I had to do one of those, oneof those offhand laughs, and so
I let her, you know, rob thelies.
I had to, you know.
I let her, you know, rob thelot.
I had to, you know, disciplineher for what she did and had to
(14:01):
explain to her.
You know, forging signatures.
You know, little girl, I canput you in jail for this.
You know I went extreme.
I said I could put you in jailfor this.
Little girl, don't be, don't beforging somebody's signature,
that is illegal.
So I put the fear of God in herand took time off work and went
up to the school and sat in theclassroom.
Actually I talked to.
It was her language arts slashEnglish teacher.
(14:22):
That was the grade that dropped.
It went from an A to a D, likehold on.
So you just stopped doing work.
Why?
Okay?
So I talked to her language artsteacher and he proceeds to tell
me what was happening, what wasgoing on things like that
teacher.
And he proceeds to tell me whatwas happening, what was going
on things like that.
He had been sending notes.
He, finally, he had beensending notes to me and as we
(14:43):
were talking he said he figuredout that something was going on,
that, that, but he couldn't puthis finger on it.
So he was glad that I hadcalled him and so I said do you
mind if I sit in the back of theclassroom, cause I knew again,
I knew her schedule, so I knewwhere she was supposed to be at
what time.
So I was sitting in the back ofthe classroom.
(15:04):
When she walks in, she wascutting up when she walked in
the door until she saw me and Ididn't say a word.
I just sat at the back of theclassroom until the bell rang.
That child had no issues withher since then.
Sometimes you just gotta letyour kids know that you ain't
(15:26):
the one or the two to be playingwith, all right.
So I had no issues from then on.
Her grade came up.
She actually made great gradesfrom then on out until the day
she left this earth.
Let your child know you're alittle off in the head sometimes
.
Don't do that, don't do that,don't listen to me, don't do
that.
But it was just the way thatshe would say, mother.
That would always tickle me.
(15:48):
Another thing that I missed isus speaking in our own language.
So my daughter created alanguage for us to speak that
nobody else could understand,and she made me promise that I
wouldn't teach it to anybodyelse.
And I made her promise that shewouldn't teach it to anybody
else.
I'm like you're going torestrict me.
You got to put this restrictionon you too.
So we would literally have ourown language and people would
look at us like what is wrongwith you two?
(16:09):
But she was very creative, likea mama, very creative.
So we had our own littlelanguage.
I miss her corny jokes.
She will tell the corny jokesexcuse me, why am I sneezing
right in the middle of podcast?
Excuse me, and I'm not editingthat out, all right.
(16:29):
She would tell the corny asjokes and would have me cackling
Some of the things.
It would make no sense, butbecause she thought it was funny
, she would laugh, which in turnwould make me laugh.
So she was hilarious.
I miss her telling me fun facts.
(16:50):
Now, this child, remember Isaid she was smart, she would
keep her head in a book and shewould always be researching.
She would always be Googlingsomething or looking something
up.
She would be in encyclopediasand newspapers, like things like
that, and just finding theserandom facts.
And then we like mother, let metell you about this, did you
(17:12):
know?
And whenever I would hearmother, did you know?
And that's how she would do itshe would tilt her little head
like that, like, did you know?
I knew it was about to besomething.
So I would have to sit andlisten to her fun facts and I
actually I feel bad about it nowbecause sometimes those fun
facts got on my nerves, becauseof course she would try to tell
(17:33):
me a fun fact when I'm busy andtry to do something.
But now I would give my leftarm just to hear her give me a
fun fact.
Yeah, I miss that.
I miss having the mundane ofthe day interrupted to hear a
fun fact.
Did you know?
I miss her hugs.
Oh my gosh, my baby girl couldgive some of the best hugs and
(17:59):
she really enjoyed it when shegot taller than me, because she
would have to bend down.
She would pat me on the top ofmy forehead, which I hated, but
she enjoyed it so much I justallowed her to do it.
She would pat me on my foreheadlike my little mommy and she
would give me the best hug.
I would have to remind her justbecause I'm shorter than you
(18:22):
doesn't mean I won't whoop youAgain.
Let your child know you're alittle off in the head.
I'm sorry, don't listen to me.
Don't listen to me, but Idefinitely miss her hug.
She gave the best hugs.
I miss her homemade cards.
It was like clockwork Birthdays, mother's Day, christmas,
(18:42):
easter, whatever the holiday,just because that baby made me a
card.
She would make me a card.
She would write poetry in it.
She would say you know, mymommy is this dad of the third,
like it was just affirmations inthe cards.
I have a box of her cards inhere somewhere and every once in
(19:03):
a while when I'm having a griefwave, I'll pull out a card just
to read it and just rememberher.
But I miss her handmade cardsand I feel like she would still
be doing those even in her 30s.
Definitely miss her handmadecards.
I miss us singing in the car.
So y'all, we would have carkaraoke.
Before car karaoke was a thingwe would be singing at the top
(19:23):
of our lungs, off, key, on key.
Whatever Funny thing about itwas, my child would always make
me sing, try to make me sing allthree parts of a song because
she wanted to learn all threeparts.
To make me sing all three partsof a song because she wanted to
learn all three parts.
But she would forget that I'man alto, so yeah, or she would
forget that I'm one person andme trying to sing all three
(19:46):
parts at the same time.
She always found a got a kickout of that.
I have no idea why, but wewould sing at the top of our
lungs in the car and I stillkind of carry on that tradition
today.
I sing at the top of my lungsin the car.
I'll have a whole concert andevery time I do it I think about
her.
Not a day goes by when I don'tthink about her.
(20:06):
I miss our conversations whiledoing hair.
So either I'm doing her hair orbefore I chopped all mine off,
I had the long hair, long-ishhair, and sometimes she would
just grease my scalp or I wouldsit and be doing her hair for
the day or the week or whatever,and we would just have these
(20:29):
great conversations.
Like I said, I would have thisthing called open mic with her
where she could ask me anything.
She could tell me anything, andmy reasoning for that is
because I did not want her tofeel like she couldn't come talk
to me.
But we had an understandingthat I'm her mom.
You know I'm her mother and Iwill try to not get upset.
(20:52):
I couldn't guarantee it, but Ione thing that I guaranteed her
was that I would always love her.
So no matter what she said,whatever she told me, if it did
not harm her, put her in dangeror someone else in danger.
You know it would stay betweenus.
So I love those conversationsbecause I got to know her as a
(21:15):
human being, outside of being mydaughter.
She got to know me as a womanand outside of her mother.
So it gave us a littlehumanality, to us Humanality a
word.
It's going to be a word today.
Another thing I missed abouther is hearing her say I love
you, mommy.
That's one thing I wish I hadon tape.
(21:37):
I wish I had that recorded.
Hearing her say I love you,mommy All right, moving on,
moving on, and finally I said Imiss hearing her voice.
(21:59):
I miss hearing her voice.
'm going to leave it at thatbecause again, I guess I'm not
leaving it at that, but again,as time passes, as time moves
forward, that leaves me, thatmemory leaves me, and it's just
(22:19):
the nature of the game.
So I would say this y'all, asuncomfortable as it may be, keep
a camera, keep a camera around,keep a recording around, pick
up those moments.
I'm a firm believer in being inthe moment, but I'm also a firm
believer in capturing moments.
(22:40):
It's a fine balance betweenthose two If you have your
parents.
Sit down with them, ask themquestions, get it on recording,
get it on video, especially ifyou still have your grandparents
around.
Get those recipes.
Sit down with Nana.
Sit down with auntie, sit downwith the family member that's
always gathering and cooking anddoing all that we're losing
(23:02):
recipes.
Sit down and get those recipesrecorded.
Sit down and ask.
Ask your parents what you werelike as a child.
Ask your parents what they werelike as children.
Ask them about you know the waythat the world is going right
now, especially over here in theunited states of america.
They're trying to wipe out ourhistory.
Sit down with those parentsthat, those relatives that were
(23:22):
in the civil rights movement,those relatives that were around
.
You know.
I, um, I remember my momtelling me that she remembers
her grandmother who was enslaved, who had to pick cotton, and I
wish that we had those things onrecord, because those are the
(23:46):
things that are being wiped out.
That's just, it is what it is.
But I would highly, highly,highly suggest and recommend,
with their permission, of courseand you don't have to post
everything, y'all, everything isnot meant for social media.
There are some things that Ihave, like experiences with my
friends and family that y'allwill never see.
They're just memories for me,and I'm glad that I have those
(24:08):
things, because, again, thoseare some things that I wish that
I had done with my daughter.
And tell your people that youlove them.
Make them feel if they feeluncomfortable, that's all right.
Make them feel uncomfortable.
Tell them that you love them,because one thing, one thing
(24:29):
that I wish I could go back andchange, the day that my daughter
passed was the last thing thatI said to her.
I still struggle with that.
I don't struggle with it asmuch as I used to, but I still
struggle with that, because thelast thing I said to my daughter
was no, she wanted to playgames on my phone and I told her
(24:49):
no, I actually told her to gooutside and play.
And I struggle with thatbecause there's a part of me
that's like if I hadn't told herto go outside and play, would
she still be with me?
And I know that that's notsomething that I could have
(25:10):
predicted or anyone could havepredicted or anyone could have
changed, because I truly believethat everything was
orchestrated the way that it was, because that's how it was
supposed to be, but I'm humanand so, like I said, I don't
struggle with it as much as Iused to, but it still lingers.
You know, I think about that.
(25:30):
I think about the last word tomy child was no, when I wished
the last words to my daughter,what she could hear audibly and
I could see, you know, see thatexchange was her saying her
hearing me say to her I love her.
Now I did get moments after shepassed.
(25:52):
I had a long time with herwhere I did say I love you,
where I did say I love you.
But I would give anything rightnow to be able to say that
again.
So, yeah, this is a somberepisode.
(26:13):
Y'all I tried to tell you, andyou only got to do it once a
year, you only got to hear itonce a year.
I'm not coming back on here onher birthday to do the same
thing, not coming back on hereEaster to do the same thing.
I'm not coming back on hereMother's Day to do the same
thing.
But I just wanted to share somethings about my child that made
(26:34):
her special, very special, andI truly believe she had an
impact on this world because theway that her homegoing service
was filled with standing roomonly, and I remember the stories
that her classmates told abouther.
(26:57):
I still have the letters andthe cards and the notes that
these young people well, they'regrownups, now they're adults.
A lot of my babies are marriedand have their own kids.
I remember the stories thatthey told and I was taken aback
because I was like my baby Justthe impact that she had on
(27:19):
people's lives.
One of my sons mentioned todaythat he missed her competitive
spirit.
And one thing about my childshe was an athlete.
I don't know where she got thatfrom because it wasn't from me,
but she was a track star.
She played basketball.
I have one of her trophiessitting over here now her
(27:40):
basketball trophies.
I have one of her trophiessitting over here now her
basketball trophies.
But she very competitive.
My child would play with theboys Like she would be playing
basketball with the boys and tanthem up.
She will be tearing them up andso she was fierce on the
(28:14):
highway that said Chapel Hill.
This way, she knew that we weregoing to the campus and at the
time, um, the Lady Tar Heelswere in the NCAA.
(28:36):
Well, both the guys and theladies were in the NCAA
tournament, and so the Lady TarHeels were not on campus.
I had wished that she had hadan opportunity to meet Ivory
Latta.
Ivory Latta was her favoriteplayer, dawn Staley, coach
(28:58):
Staley of the Gamecocks herfavorite player but they were
busy so she didn't get to meetthem.
But we did get to go throughthe.
We did get to go on thebasketball court, we did get to
walk through the campus.
I have pictures of her oncampus that I cherish and that
was the last gift that I wasable to give to her, and to see
(29:20):
her smile was special, stillspecial to me.
I carry that picture with meand, ironically, she still ended
up on Chapel Hill's campusbecause we had to do an autopsy.
I'm not going to go into thedetails of that, but her blood
(29:42):
and tissue samples were sent toChapel Hill because we had to do
an autopsy and the autopsy wasinconclusive.
So when the autopsy wasinconclusive and the medical
examiner said to me, there is nomedical reason why this young
lady is not alive, I knew it wasGod.
I knew it was God and at thatmoment I was just like okay, god
(30:03):
, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
But I'll share that story for alater time.
Everybody keeps telling me Ineed to write a book about that
day and it's just been hard todo.
But I do have journal entries,so I don't have to begrudgingly
go through all these memoriesand things like that.
But I'll write the book one daybecause it truly does show
(30:29):
God's hand moving in all of thisand I don't know why he picked
me, but he did and I'm thankful.
I'm thankful even though I wentthrough a period where I was
like hey, yo, yo, yo, this ain'tcool, this ain't cool, I don't
like this.
Yeah, and I've shared manytimes.
(30:50):
You know I was angry with God,I wouldn't pray, I wouldn't do
none of that.
So, ironically, here we are.
Um, how did I get to living myempowered life?
Actually, my daughter named mycompany, my get to living my
empowered life.
Actually, my daughter named mycompany, my daughter named
living my empowered life when wewere preparing for her
homegoing service.
One thing that I wanted Iwanted her life to be celebrated
(31:13):
and I wanted God to be edified.
I wanted a celebration for real, and so I stated there was to
be no black.
You know, nobody wearing black.
Everybody wear Carolina blue inhonor of her, in honor of the
Tar Heels, her favorite team,her favorite school and I wanted
a joyous occasion.
So I had her Bible.
(31:34):
It was one thing my daughterdid.
I couldn't give my daughter alot of material things, but I
gave her Jesus.
Okay, I gave her Jesus.
My baby got baptized on her own.
She read her words, sheworshiped she.
You know, hey, I want inparenting, okay, so, um, I had
her Bible and she would read herBible every day.
(31:56):
Um, she would pray One of herprayers God, thank you for the
birds that sing.
And so whenever I hear thebirds sing, I say that prayer in
honor of her.
But in her Bible I was flippingthrough the pages and she was
just like me.
She had notes all through herBible in the margins, like I
could.
Now, I'm not going to show youher Bible, that's private, I'm
(32:18):
going to keep that close to mebut there are notes in the
margins, in the scene of theBible, like notes everywhere,
sticky notes.
That child was studying, but Icame across a prayer that she
had written for me.
In that prayer, what was thescripture?
(32:39):
Oh, it was 2 Timothy God hasnot given you a spirit of fear,
but a power, love and a soundmind.
My daughter, as much as I triedto shield her from a lot of
things.
She was very intuitive, so shepicked up on some things and so
she knew that in that season Iwas going through a lot and
(33:01):
doing my best, my absolute best,but she could see that there
was fear holding me.
So that scripture she wrote inthe margins dear God, I want my
mom please help my mom live anempowered life, the empowered
life that she deserves.
(33:22):
I read that and I broke becausefor me that was powerful, that
my daughter thought enough of meto pray and ask God to show me
how to live empowered.
She was special.
(33:42):
She was special.
So I say that to say this toyou parents out there your kids
ain't dumb.
Okay, we can try to hide andshield as much as we want to
from these kids.
They're very smart, especiallynow.
They have more access to thingsthat my daughter even had.
They have more access.
They have more access to thingsthat my daughter even had.
They have more access.
They have more freedoms.
(34:05):
Protect them, but also be realwith them.
Be real to the point where, ina in a sense, where they can
understand it.
Like you don't have to haveadult conversations with kids.
You know.
You know your child's maturitylevel, have a conversation on
their level and allow them toask questions.
(34:26):
Now I'm not trying to giveparenting advice, I'm just
giving you some Tracy-isms.
I'm glad that I took thatapproach because of how I got to
see my daughter's life impactothers, and for that I'm
(34:47):
thankful.
So, yeah, she's the reason whywe have living my empowered life
.
Losing her is the reason why Ibecame a grief coach and,
honestly, she's still the reasonwhy I keep pressing forward,
(35:07):
because I think about howimpactful her life was and I
want to continue that legacy.
So, as long as I have breath inmy body, I'm going to be
impacting people.
So, yeah, that's that, allright, I don't cry enough, y'all
.
Like I said, I just got mylashes done.
I am not trying to lose thesebad boys, okay.
(35:31):
And then, looking at thisbackwards mirror, honey, I don't
know.
Oh Jesus, okay, let me get offhere, let me get to getting.
But thank you for allowing meto share some memories of my
baby girl.
And to those of you who willwatch this, hear this and decide
(35:52):
to leave a comment or reach outto me, thank you in advance.
I appreciate all theencouraging words To those of
you who saw my socials andreached out to me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Like I said, grief has no timelimit, but how you grieve should
change.
So I'm going to be all right,y'all.
I'm having a moment, I'm havinga grief wave and I'm allowed to
(36:14):
, and you are too, so I hopethat this has blessed you,
helped you in some kind of way.
Like I said, sorry, not sorryfor crying, it is what it is,
but next episode will be alittle bit more lighter, y'all,
I think I'm going to tell y'allabout this family cruise that's
just going on, so stay tuned.
(36:35):
Anyway, y'all, thank you forjoining me and I hope that you
join us again for the nextepisode of Charge Station
Podcast.
I love you, I love you, I loveyou.
Remember, god loves you, I loveyou.
There ain't nothing you can doabout it.
Boo Bye.
Come, take a seat on the couch.
Welcome, as we talk abouteverything under the sun.
You only live once, so I leavemy empower line.
Welcome to the Charging Station.
No matter what you're fixing,you can join the conversation me
and the Charging Station.
What's good everybody?
(00:27):
Welcome to the Charging StationPodcast.
It's your girl, tracy Mastia,of Living my Empowered Life.
Hello, hello, hello.
If you are new here, welcome tothe shenanigans.
I hope that you will stay.
We are making room for you onthe couchy couch.
All right, everybody, you knowwhat to do.
Grab your coffee, grab your tea, grab your water, grab your
wine whatever your beverage ofchoice is, go ahead and grab
(00:49):
that thing and have a seat onthe couchy couch.
If you are a returning viewer,listener, subscriber, friend,
welcome.
You know I love me some of you.
I'm so happy, happy, happy, inthe words of Uncle Si Happy,
happy, happy to have you here.
So, yeah, we are here foranother episode and I am kind of
(01:10):
in a somber mood today becauseat the time of the recording of
this podcast, I am rememberingmy daughter.
Today, april 16th 2006, my lifeas I knew it changed forever.
My daughter passed away, andtoday makes 19 years that I have
(01:32):
been without my heartbeat.
That's what I call her, myheartbeat.
So I decided to, this morning,commemorate her life, celebrate
her life in a different way.
Sorry, y'all, I did not plug inmy laptop, so let me go and
plug that in before she goes I'mabout to say goes missing
(01:53):
before we lose battery.
All right, sorry, I just didn'twant the episode to go down in
the middle of the episode.
So this morning I commemoratedmy daughter in a different way
and I posted 13 things I missabout her, and let me put my
phone on silent, but I'm goingto share those 13 things and
(02:17):
just kind of share how I gotinto grief coaching.
She's actually the reason why Igot into grief coaching.
She is also the reason why Igot into grief coaching.
She is also the reason why wehave Living my Empowered Life.
So a lot of people don't knowmy story and how I got here.
So this is just one layer of meand I'm going to share that
with you today, if you don'tmind.
If you don't mind, now, now,now, now, now, now.
(02:40):
Before we do all that, let meget some housekeeping stuff out
of the way here.
We keep it classy over here,but you can also follow me on
all of the socials.
You can find me at Living myEmpowered Life.
I'm on Instagram, facebook,youtube, but of course, if
you're watching YouTube, youknow that Threads TikTok what am
(03:07):
I missing?
And you can also join my emaillist for it.
It's about weekly to bi-weeklymonthly email that I send out
Y'all.
If I don't have anything to say, I don't say anything.
So there's that.
I don't believe in just givingfluff, but follow me on all the
socials.
Make sure you are subscribed tothe charging station podcast on
your preferred listeningplatform or it says follow
whatever it asks you to do.
Make sure you get theseepisodes.
Go ahead, do that.
And also, I would appreciate itif you would go ahead and leave
(03:29):
a review.
Let us know why you listen tothe show, what you like about
the show, leave us five stars orfive mics wherever you're
watching, listening or whatever,and all that jazz.
Okay, now we got that out theway.
Let me tell you about my child.
So how do I start?
Let's just start at thebeginning.
My daughter was the only childthat I had.
(03:51):
She's the only child that I'mgoing to have, because I'm not
having any more children, andshe was basically the light of
my life.
I had her when I was 16.
So I was a young mom and wegrew up together.
You know, we had a really greatrelationship.
(04:11):
I wanted her to have the thingsthat I did not have Later on in
life.
I kind of understand why my momwell, kind of I kind of
understand why my mom did thingsthe way that she did, but I
also felt like I did not want todo those same things with my
child.
So I made sure that I had anopen door, open mic policy with
my daughter where she could cometo talk to me, because I
(04:36):
remember what it's like being akid and having questions and
then just getting shut down by aparent.
I did not want my child to feelthat way.
Okay, so I tried to bebasically the parents that my
mother was not to me, that's noslight.
To my mom, she did the bestthat she can do with what she
had.
And later on in my life, like Isaid, I can kind of understand
(04:57):
some things and why she did somethings, especially finding
siblings and all this stuff.
So, yeah, yeah, I said I'mgonna stop saying my life is
boring, because clearly it's notGo back and listen to other
episodes, especially theBranches series, you'll get an
understanding of what I'mtalking about.
But today's episode is about mybaby girl.
Her name was Takenya.
It's Takenya, and how I got hername was I was actually asleep
(05:23):
taking a nap got her name was Iwas actually asleep taking a nap
.
And that day my mom and I weretalking about baby names and
just kind of mulling thingsaround, and if my mom had any
say-so in the naming of mydaughter, she would have had the
longest name known to man and Iwas just not having it.
One thing my mom said was don'tgive that child again on name.
(05:45):
Like that was my mom.
But I remember dreaming and inmy dream I was driving in a
convertible going down thishighway, which was odd because
at the time I was not old enoughto drive.
Like I said, I was a young mom,I had my daughter, I, I was 16.
I had a kid before I had adriver's license.
(06:05):
Okay, so I was in my dream andI was driving down this highway
and I looked up and I saw thisbillboard and on this billboard
it had all of these lightsaround the billboard.
It just illuminated the highway.
It almost looked like a star inthe sky, and on that billboard
(06:27):
was my daughter's name.
So I woke up, I wrote that namedown, didn't tell anybody what
her name was going to be, andthat's what I named her the
exact spelling, everything.
And that's what I named her.
And I truly believe that thatwas God telling me what to name
my daughter, because the waythat this child blessed my life
(06:56):
I can't even put into words.
I'm really going to try to getthrough this without crying.
I've already cried this morningand even though it's been 19
years you know, I always saygrief has no time limit I
grieved my daughter this morning.
Grief has no time limit, butthe way that I grieve today, 19
years later, is different thanthe way that I grieved the night
that she passed away.
(07:17):
So the tears are mixed withgratitude and sadness and anger,
like it's all the things, butmore so heavily on the gratitude
, because I realized that for 13years God allowed me to be this
child's mother.
He blessed me with such abeautiful gift.
It's one of the best gifts he'sgiven me outside of Jesus,
(07:40):
jesus and Holy Spirit.
So I'm so very thankful to havebeen her mother for 13 years on
this earth and I don't takethat lightly, y'all.
If I cry, I'm sorry, not sorry,sorry, not sorry, sorry.
That's my baby.
So let me share with you the 13things that I actually miss
about her.
And there's so many things thatI miss about this child, but
(08:02):
I'm just going to share 13things that just popped up in my
head this morning.
One thing her laugh.
That my daughter had the mostcontagious laugh.
Whenever she laughed I couldnot help but laugh myself
because it was just.
I can't even describe it.
(08:24):
I wish I had a recording of herlaugh.
She's the reason why I keep acamera in somebody's face now.
She's the reason why I keepvideo going, because those
memories I don't have anymore.
And let's be honest, the morethat time passes, the more the
sound wanes, the memory startsto fade and I hate that.
(08:47):
But I miss her laugh because itwas very contagious.
I miss her smile.
She had a smile that literallycould light up a room.
Even though I can see her smilethrough pictures and things,
it's still different.
It's different because she'snot here, of course, and usually
when she was smiling she wouldhave that laugh, that laugh
(09:09):
would be attached to it.
So I definitely missed thaty'all.
I said I was going to try.
I was going to try.
Sorry, not sorry, and I have notissues in here, so we're just
going to have to wing it.
There's a paper towel, alright,we're going to use that, I
don't know.
Okay, we're just going to usethat.
(09:29):
All right, harder than me, andI just got my lashes done.
Y'all, I practice what I preach.
Y'all, I'm in the grief waveand I'm riding the wave because
God is in control.
I'm allowing myself to feelwhat I feel, I'm allowing these
tears to flow and I'm keeping ontrucking, telling you I
practice what I preach.
I don't sit here and just telly'all this stuff.
I live it.
(09:49):
I live it every single day, allright.
Third thing that I miss about mychild our inside jokes.
We about my child, our insidejokes, we, people that knew us,
people that knew my daughter,people that knew us.
Together.
We would have these insidejokes and we could be around
somebody and just start laughingand nobody would have any idea
(10:10):
what we're laughing about.
But we would know, and it wasjust these things that would
start at home, like she couldsay something or I could say
something and we both would justfall out and it was just an
inside joke.
I miss that.
I definitely miss that.
There was always a funny momentwith her.
I miss the way she would saymother.
She would say mother to make melaugh when she knew she was in
(10:36):
trouble.
Now, no child is perfect.
I'm not saying my child wasperfect.
She was a kid and so she triedit.
She would try some things.
I remember the time she forgedmy signature on a report card
because her grades flipped andshe signed her report card and
I'm going to tell this story.
She would probably like pinchme right now if she was still
(10:58):
here.
But she forged my signature onher report card.
And how I found out was I alwayskept up with the school
schedule so I knew when progressreports were coming out, I knew
when report cards were comingout, things like that, and I
hadn't gotten her report card.
So I was like what's going on?
And so I tripped her up.
(11:21):
I actually she kept saying thatshe didn't get it.
She didn't get it and I youknow, you know your kid, you
know when your child is lying toyou, you know.
So I let her go on with the lie.
What my child did not realizewas that I had made friends at
the school, which wasintentional.
I knew all her teachers.
I knew the front office staff.
I knew the secretary of theschool, ms Truesdale.
(11:43):
Shout out to Ms Truesdalewherever you are.
Dear Ms Truesdale probablyremembers this story.
I called Ms Truesdale directlyand I say Ms Truesdale, I know
y'all got these report cards,can you send it to me?
She said but, ms Master, yousigned it.
You know we bought it, right Meand Ms Truesdale bought it.
I said I did not sign a reportcard.
Ms Truesdale pulled her reportcard.
(12:04):
She said well, somebody did.
And I said Ms Truesdale, canyou fax that to me?
Now?
Keep in mind this is 2006.
We still have fax machines.
Okay, I said work.
She faxed it to me.
This child had my report, mysignature down so well, it
(12:24):
almost looked like mine, exceptat the tail end of my last name.
You could tell she got scaredand she chickened out.
I said this little heiferforged my signature.
So of course I had to go withthe bit.
She was at school.
I waited till she got home andI asked her again.
I said can you raise yourreport card?
(12:45):
And she again, she was ridingwith the life, but I could see
she was cracking, she was ridingwith the life.
I said I'm gonna ask you onemore time and this time I want
you to tell me the truth becauseI know that you're lying to me.
That child broke down and I sawher grades have fallen.
So she was an A B student, shevery, very smart, and I figured
(13:17):
she had gotten, like me, whereshe was getting teased for
making good grades.
So once she did get in troublefor telling me that lie.
But one thing she said was well, mother, I just didn't want you
to be upset.
And when she said mother, I hadto turn my head and kind of
chuckle, because she knewexactly what to say and when to
say it, to make me laugh, tokind of break my defenses down.
(13:40):
But I knew I had to handlebusiness.
So every parent knows this whenyour child does something
that's funny but you can't letthem see you laugh.
I had to do one of those, oneof those offhand laughs, and so
I let her, you know, rob thelies.
I had to, you know.
I let her, you know, rob thelot.
I had to, you know, disciplineher for what she did and had to
(14:01):
explain to her.
You know, forging signatures.
You know, little girl, I canput you in jail for this.
You know I went extreme.
I said I could put you in jailfor this.
Little girl, don't be, don't beforging somebody's signature,
that is illegal.
So I put the fear of God in herand took time off work and went
up to the school and sat in theclassroom.
Actually I talked to.
It was her language arts slashEnglish teacher.
(14:22):
That was the grade that dropped.
It went from an A to a D, likehold on.
So you just stopped doing work.
Why?
Okay?
So I talked to her language artsteacher and he proceeds to tell
me what was happening, what wasgoing on things like that
teacher.
And he proceeds to tell me whatwas happening, what was going
on things like that.
He had been sending notes.
He, finally, he had beensending notes to me and as we
(14:43):
were talking he said he figuredout that something was going on,
that, that, but he couldn't puthis finger on it.
So he was glad that I hadcalled him and so I said do you
mind if I sit in the back of theclassroom, cause I knew again,
I knew her schedule, so I knewwhere she was supposed to be at
what time.
So I was sitting in the back ofthe classroom.
(15:04):
When she walks in, she wascutting up when she walked in
the door until she saw me and Ididn't say a word.
I just sat at the back of theclassroom until the bell rang.
That child had no issues withher since then.
Sometimes you just gotta letyour kids know that you ain't
(15:26):
the one or the two to be playingwith, all right.
So I had no issues from then on.
Her grade came up.
She actually made great gradesfrom then on out until the day
she left this earth.
Let your child know you're alittle off in the head sometimes
.
Don't do that, don't do that,don't listen to me, don't do
that.
But it was just the way thatshe would say, mother.
That would always tickle me.
(15:48):
Another thing that I missed isus speaking in our own language.
So my daughter created alanguage for us to speak that
nobody else could understand,and she made me promise that I
wouldn't teach it to anybodyelse.
And I made her promise that shewouldn't teach it to anybody
else.
I'm like you're going torestrict me.
You got to put this restrictionon you too.
So we would literally have ourown language and people would
look at us like what is wrongwith you two?
(16:09):
But she was very creative, likea mama, very creative.
So we had our own littlelanguage.
I miss her corny jokes.
She will tell the corny jokesexcuse me, why am I sneezing
right in the middle of podcast?
Excuse me, and I'm not editingthat out, all right.
(16:29):
She would tell the corny asjokes and would have me cackling
Some of the things.
It would make no sense, butbecause she thought it was funny
, she would laugh, which in turnwould make me laugh.
So she was hilarious.
I miss her telling me fun facts.
(16:50):
Now, this child, remember Isaid she was smart, she would
keep her head in a book and shewould always be researching.
She would always be Googlingsomething or looking something
up.
She would be in encyclopediasand newspapers, like things like
that, and just finding theserandom facts.
And then we like mother, let metell you about this, did you
(17:12):
know?
And whenever I would hearmother, did you know?
And that's how she would do itshe would tilt her little head
like that, like, did you know?
I knew it was about to besomething.
So I would have to sit andlisten to her fun facts and I
actually I feel bad about it nowbecause sometimes those fun
facts got on my nerves, becauseof course she would try to tell
(17:33):
me a fun fact when I'm busy andtry to do something.
But now I would give my leftarm just to hear her give me a
fun fact.
Yeah, I miss that.
I miss having the mundane ofthe day interrupted to hear a
fun fact.
Did you know?
I miss her hugs.
Oh my gosh, my baby girl couldgive some of the best hugs and
(17:59):
she really enjoyed it when shegot taller than me, because she
would have to bend down.
She would pat me on the top ofmy forehead, which I hated, but
she enjoyed it so much I justallowed her to do it.
She would pat me on my foreheadlike my little mommy and she
would give me the best hug.
I would have to remind her justbecause I'm shorter than you
(18:22):
doesn't mean I won't whoop youAgain.
Let your child know you're alittle off in the head.
I'm sorry, don't listen to me.
Don't listen to me, but Idefinitely miss her hug.
She gave the best hugs.
I miss her homemade cards.
It was like clockwork Birthdays, mother's Day, christmas,
(18:42):
easter, whatever the holiday,just because that baby made me a
card.
She would make me a card.
She would write poetry in it.
She would say you know, mymommy is this dad of the third,
like it was just affirmations inthe cards.
I have a box of her cards inhere somewhere and every once in
(19:03):
a while when I'm having a griefwave, I'll pull out a card just
to read it and just rememberher.
But I miss her handmade cardsand I feel like she would still
be doing those even in her 30s.
Definitely miss her handmadecards.
I miss us singing in the car.
So y'all, we would have carkaraoke.
Before car karaoke was a thingwe would be singing at the top
(19:23):
of our lungs, off, key, on key.
Whatever Funny thing about itwas, my child would always make
me sing, try to make me sing allthree parts of a song because
she wanted to learn all threeparts.
To make me sing all three partsof a song because she wanted to
learn all three parts.
But she would forget that I'man alto, so yeah, or she would
forget that I'm one person andme trying to sing all three
(19:46):
parts at the same time.
She always found a got a kickout of that.
I have no idea why, but wewould sing at the top of our
lungs in the car and I stillkind of carry on that tradition
today.
I sing at the top of my lungsin the car.
I'll have a whole concert andevery time I do it I think about
her.
Not a day goes by when I don'tthink about her.
(20:06):
I miss our conversations whiledoing hair.
So either I'm doing her hair orbefore I chopped all mine off,
I had the long hair, long-ishhair, and sometimes she would
just grease my scalp or I wouldsit and be doing her hair for
the day or the week or whatever,and we would just have these
(20:29):
great conversations.
Like I said, I would have thisthing called open mic with her
where she could ask me anything.
She could tell me anything, andmy reasoning for that is
because I did not want her tofeel like she couldn't come talk
to me.
But we had an understandingthat I'm her mom.
You know I'm her mother and Iwill try to not get upset.
(20:52):
I couldn't guarantee it, but Ione thing that I guaranteed her
was that I would always love her.
So no matter what she said,whatever she told me, if it did
not harm her, put her in dangeror someone else in danger.
You know it would stay betweenus.
So I love those conversationsbecause I got to know her as a
(21:15):
human being, outside of being mydaughter.
She got to know me as a womanand outside of her mother.
So it gave us a littlehumanality, to us Humanality a
word.
It's going to be a word today.
Another thing I missed abouther is hearing her say I love
you, mommy.
That's one thing I wish I hadon tape.
(21:37):
I wish I had that recorded.
Hearing her say I love you,mommy All right, moving on,
moving on, and finally I said Imiss hearing her voice.
(21:59):
I miss hearing her voice.
'm going to leave it at thatbecause again, I guess I'm not
leaving it at that, but again,as time passes, as time moves
forward, that leaves me, thatmemory leaves me, and it's just
(22:19):
the nature of the game.
So I would say this y'all, asuncomfortable as it may be, keep
a camera, keep a camera around,keep a recording around, pick
up those moments.
I'm a firm believer in being inthe moment, but I'm also a firm
believer in capturing moments.
(22:40):
It's a fine balance betweenthose two If you have your
parents.
Sit down with them, ask themquestions, get it on recording,
get it on video, especially ifyou still have your grandparents
around.
Get those recipes.
Sit down with Nana.
Sit down with auntie, sit downwith the family member that's
always gathering and cooking anddoing all that we're losing
(23:02):
recipes.
Sit down and get those recipesrecorded.
Sit down and ask.
Ask your parents what you werelike as a child.
Ask your parents what they werelike as children.
Ask them about you know the waythat the world is going right
now, especially over here in theunited states of america.
They're trying to wipe out ourhistory.
Sit down with those parentsthat, those relatives that were
(23:22):
in the civil rights movement,those relatives that were around
.
You know.
I, um, I remember my momtelling me that she remembers
her grandmother who was enslaved, who had to pick cotton, and I
wish that we had those things onrecord, because those are the
(23:46):
things that are being wiped out.
That's just, it is what it is.
But I would highly, highly,highly suggest and recommend,
with their permission, of courseand you don't have to post
everything, y'all, everything isnot meant for social media.
There are some things that Ihave, like experiences with my
friends and family that y'allwill never see.
They're just memories for me,and I'm glad that I have those
(24:08):
things, because, again, thoseare some things that I wish that
I had done with my daughter.
And tell your people that youlove them.
Make them feel if they feeluncomfortable, that's all right.
Make them feel uncomfortable.
Tell them that you love them,because one thing, one thing
(24:29):
that I wish I could go back andchange, the day that my daughter
passed was the last thing thatI said to her.
I still struggle with that.
I don't struggle with it asmuch as I used to, but I still
struggle with that, because thelast thing I said to my daughter
was no, she wanted to playgames on my phone and I told her
(24:49):
no, I actually told her to gooutside and play.
And I struggle with thatbecause there's a part of me
that's like if I hadn't told herto go outside and play, would
she still be with me?
And I know that that's notsomething that I could have
(25:10):
predicted or anyone could havepredicted or anyone could have
changed, because I truly believethat everything was
orchestrated the way that it was, because that's how it was
supposed to be, but I'm humanand so, like I said, I don't
struggle with it as much as Iused to, but it still lingers.
You know, I think about that.
(25:30):
I think about the last word tomy child was no, when I wished
the last words to my daughter,what she could hear audibly and
I could see, you know, see thatexchange was her saying her
hearing me say to her I love her.
Now I did get moments after shepassed.
(25:52):
I had a long time with herwhere I did say I love you,
where I did say I love you.
But I would give anything rightnow to be able to say that
again.
So, yeah, this is a somberepisode.
(26:13):
Y'all I tried to tell you, andyou only got to do it once a
year, you only got to hear itonce a year.
I'm not coming back on here onher birthday to do the same
thing, not coming back on hereEaster to do the same thing.
I'm not coming back on hereMother's Day to do the same
thing.
But I just wanted to share somethings about my child that made
(26:34):
her special, very special, andI truly believe she had an
impact on this world because theway that her homegoing service
was filled with standing roomonly, and I remember the stories
that her classmates told abouther.
(26:57):
I still have the letters andthe cards and the notes that
these young people well, they'regrownups, now they're adults.
A lot of my babies are marriedand have their own kids.
I remember the stories thatthey told and I was taken aback
because I was like my baby Justthe impact that she had on
(27:19):
people's lives.
One of my sons mentioned todaythat he missed her competitive
spirit.
And one thing about my childshe was an athlete.
I don't know where she got thatfrom because it wasn't from me,
but she was a track star.
She played basketball.
I have one of her trophiessitting over here now her
(27:40):
basketball trophies.
I have one of her trophiessitting over here now her
basketball trophies.
But she very competitive.
My child would play with theboys Like she would be playing
basketball with the boys and tanthem up.
She will be tearing them up andso she was fierce on the
(28:14):
highway that said Chapel Hill.
This way, she knew that we weregoing to the campus and at the
time, um, the Lady Tar Heelswere in the NCAA.
(28:36):
Well, both the guys and theladies were in the NCAA
tournament, and so the Lady TarHeels were not on campus.
I had wished that she had hadan opportunity to meet Ivory
Latta.
Ivory Latta was her favoriteplayer, dawn Staley, coach
(28:58):
Staley of the Gamecocks herfavorite player but they were
busy so she didn't get to meetthem.
But we did get to go throughthe.
We did get to go on thebasketball court, we did get to
walk through the campus.
I have pictures of her oncampus that I cherish and that
was the last gift that I wasable to give to her, and to see
(29:20):
her smile was special, stillspecial to me.
I carry that picture with meand, ironically, she still ended
up on Chapel Hill's campusbecause we had to do an autopsy.
I'm not going to go into thedetails of that, but her blood
(29:42):
and tissue samples were sent toChapel Hill because we had to do
an autopsy and the autopsy wasinconclusive.
So when the autopsy wasinconclusive and the medical
examiner said to me, there is nomedical reason why this young
lady is not alive, I knew it wasGod.
I knew it was God and at thatmoment I was just like okay, god
(30:03):
, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
But I'll share that story for alater time.
Everybody keeps telling me Ineed to write a book about that
day and it's just been hard todo.
But I do have journal entries,so I don't have to begrudgingly
go through all these memoriesand things like that.
But I'll write the book one daybecause it truly does show
(30:29):
God's hand moving in all of thisand I don't know why he picked
me, but he did and I'm thankful.
I'm thankful even though I wentthrough a period where I was
like hey, yo, yo, yo, this ain'tcool, this ain't cool, I don't
like this.
Yeah, and I've shared manytimes.
(30:50):
You know I was angry with God,I wouldn't pray, I wouldn't do
none of that.
So, ironically, here we are.
Um, how did I get to living myempowered life?
Actually, my daughter named mycompany, my get to living my
empowered life.
Actually, my daughter named mycompany, my daughter named
living my empowered life when wewere preparing for her
homegoing service.
One thing that I wanted Iwanted her life to be celebrated
(31:13):
and I wanted God to be edified.
I wanted a celebration for real, and so I stated there was to
be no black.
You know, nobody wearing black.
Everybody wear Carolina blue inhonor of her, in honor of the
Tar Heels, her favorite team,her favorite school and I wanted
a joyous occasion.
So I had her Bible.
(31:34):
It was one thing my daughterdid.
I couldn't give my daughter alot of material things, but I
gave her Jesus.
Okay, I gave her Jesus.
My baby got baptized on her own.
She read her words, sheworshiped she.
You know, hey, I want inparenting, okay, so, um, I had
her Bible and she would read herBible every day.
(31:56):
Um, she would pray One of herprayers God, thank you for the
birds that sing.
And so whenever I hear thebirds sing, I say that prayer in
honor of her.
But in her Bible I was flippingthrough the pages and she was
just like me.
She had notes all through herBible in the margins, like I
could.
Now, I'm not going to show youher Bible, that's private, I'm
(32:18):
going to keep that close to mebut there are notes in the
margins, in the scene of theBible, like notes everywhere,
sticky notes.
That child was studying, but Icame across a prayer that she
had written for me.
In that prayer, what was thescripture?
(32:39):
Oh, it was 2 Timothy God hasnot given you a spirit of fear,
but a power, love and a soundmind.
My daughter, as much as I triedto shield her from a lot of
things.
She was very intuitive, so shepicked up on some things and so
she knew that in that season Iwas going through a lot and
(33:01):
doing my best, my absolute best,but she could see that there
was fear holding me.
So that scripture she wrote inthe margins dear God, I want my
mom please help my mom live anempowered life, the empowered
life that she deserves.
(33:22):
I read that and I broke becausefor me that was powerful, that
my daughter thought enough of meto pray and ask God to show me
how to live empowered.
She was special.
(33:42):
She was special.
So I say that to say this toyou parents out there your kids
ain't dumb.
Okay, we can try to hide andshield as much as we want to
from these kids.
They're very smart, especiallynow.
They have more access to thingsthat my daughter even had.
They have more access.
They have more access to thingsthat my daughter even had.
They have more access.
They have more freedoms.
(34:05):
Protect them, but also be realwith them.
Be real to the point where, ina in a sense, where they can
understand it.
Like you don't have to haveadult conversations with kids.
You know.
You know your child's maturitylevel, have a conversation on
their level and allow them toask questions.
(34:26):
Now I'm not trying to giveparenting advice, I'm just
giving you some Tracy-isms.
I'm glad that I took thatapproach because of how I got to
see my daughter's life impactothers, and for that I'm
(34:47):
thankful.
So, yeah, she's the reason whywe have living my empowered life
.
Losing her is the reason why Ibecame a grief coach and,
honestly, she's still the reasonwhy I keep pressing forward,
(35:07):
because I think about howimpactful her life was and I
want to continue that legacy.
So, as long as I have breath inmy body, I'm going to be
impacting people.
So, yeah, that's that, allright, I don't cry enough, y'all
.
Like I said, I just got mylashes done.
I am not trying to lose thesebad boys, okay.
(35:31):
And then, looking at thisbackwards mirror, honey, I don't
know.
Oh Jesus, okay, let me get offhere, let me get to getting.
But thank you for allowing meto share some memories of my
baby girl.
And to those of you who willwatch this, hear this and decide
(35:52):
to leave a comment or reach outto me, thank you in advance.
I appreciate all theencouraging words To those of
you who saw my socials andreached out to me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Like I said, grief has no timelimit, but how you grieve should
change.
So I'm going to be all right,y'all.
I'm having a moment, I'm havinga grief wave and I'm allowed to
(36:14):
, and you are too, so I hopethat this has blessed you,
helped you in some kind of way.
Like I said, sorry, not sorryfor crying, it is what it is,
but next episode will be alittle bit more lighter, y'all,
I think I'm going to tell y'allabout this family cruise that's
just going on, so stay tuned.
(36:35):
Anyway, y'all, thank you forjoining me and I hope that you
join us again for the nextepisode of Charge Station
Podcast.
I love you, I love you, I loveyou.
Remember, god loves you, I loveyou.
There ain't nothing you can doabout it.
Boo Bye.
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