October 1, 2024 • 48 mins
Approaching 50 doesn't mean slowing down; it means gearing up for transformation!
Ever wondered about the emotional complexities of rekindling old flames? You're in for a treat as I navigate the rollercoaster of reconnecting with an ex-boyfriend. From the heartwarming moments of rediscovery to the frustrating dynamics of long-distance relationships, I lay it all bare. Listen as I discuss setting boundaries, recognizing self-worth, and the lessons learned from my past relationship experiences. This chapter is all about finding joy and resilience amidst adversity and understanding the value of patience, kindness, and emotional intelligence in dating.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
What's good, everybody.
Welcome to the Charging Station.
What's good, everybody, welcometo the Charging Station.
Season eight, hello, hello,hello.
It's your girl, tracy Massey,of Living my Empowered Life.
I am super excited to be backwith you.
We took a little break over thesummer.
We're actually over August, soI can just enjoy the last little
(00:44):
bit of my summer because, yeah,I have been ripping and running
since March of 2024.
Like every weekend in Marchsince March, I've had something
going on.
So we're currently at the timeof the recording of this podcast
.
We are in September, and so inMarch I had made a promise to
(01:07):
myself to sit down in August andSeptember, meaning no traveling
.
The answer was no, there wereno events, there was no
traveling.
You know, I just needed a breakand I'm glad that I did that,
because now I feel refreshed and, with the fall season coming
coming, there's more travel.
October, november is about toget crazy in a good way, and the
(01:33):
holiday season is approaching,so it's going to be a lot going
on.
So I'm glad I took that hiatus.
But anyway, if you are new here,welcome to the Charging Station
.
I hope that you subscribe,follow, share, come back for the
shenanigans.
We have a good time over here.
If you're a returning listener,hey, boo, you know I love me
some.
You welcome back.
Welcome back.
I'm so glad to be back on thecouchy couch with my peeps.
(01:56):
So come on in, tap that handsanitizer, take your shoes off,
because don't be bringing yourdirty shoes in on my floor.
Okay, we're here to have a goodtime.
So I'm kicking off season eightwith a story time, okay, but
first.
But first.
But first couple things, couplehousekeeping things.
We got.
We have a new thing that'sgoing on right now.
(02:16):
If you look at the show notes,at the bottom of the show notes
you see this item line item thatsays text me.
You can leave a text message onthe show now.
So if you leave a message, atext message, I will read your
text out on the next episode andrespond to it.
(02:40):
If you have a question, or ifyou're just shouting me out, if
you're leaving a review, I'mgoing to be reading those all
season.
So make sure you go and send mea text message.
Let me know what you think aboutthe episode, let me know what
you think about the show and, um, everybody, please be sure to
follow me on the socials, onInstagram at living my empowered
(03:01):
life, facebook.
Living my empowered life onTikTok and livingmyempoweredlife
, especially on TikTok.
I'm actually a little bit moreactive on TikTok.
I'm new to TikTok and so I wantto get my peeps up over there.
If you listened to the lastepisode in season seven, I was
talking about how my content ischanging.
It's just been a whole lot ofshifting and if I sound funny,
(03:21):
y'all I'm sorry.
I am wearing my retainer like agood girl, so I probably sound
funny.
My s's are probably going to besuper pronounced, so just bear
with me, okay, if you don't know, I've had braces three times,
so I'm serious about my teeth,okay.
But anyway, now that we got allthat, all that out of the way,
let me tell you about the storytime.
(03:42):
So I am almost 50 at the timeof the recording of this podcast
.
I'm 48 and I am embarking onthis journey called fit, fine
and fabulous by 50, where mygoal is to drop 100 pounds and
be the fittest I've been in myadult life.
(04:02):
So I am on the road to doingthat.
Well, with turning 50, youstart contemplating a lot of
things, and I don't know aboutyou, but with every decade that
I've changed like age wise, I'malways reflecting on what has
occurred and setting new goalsfor myself, and so one of the
(04:25):
things is I'm single.
I'm not upset about beingsingle.
If you are dating in thesestreets then you know that the
dating pool is shallow and got alittle sugar Avery P in it.
Some of these fellas and I canonly speak on the men that I've
(04:46):
encountered because I'm a I'm awoman, I date men.
But I also know you know,talking to some of my single guy
friends, they ran into someshenanigans as well.
And don't go asking why me andmy single guy friends don't get
together.
That's just weird.
We're friends.
I don't even look at them likethat, okay, but anyway, I'm
single At this age.
(05:08):
I've been able to accomplishsome great things, especially in
2024.
2024 has been on and poppingLike 2024 has been that girl,
okay.
This year I found my newfoundsister.
You've heard her on one of mysisters, you've heard on the
podcast.
We've found other siblings.
We're still trying to flesh outmeetings and contact and all of
(05:30):
that stuff.
But my sister Robin, sisternumber one, she's been on the
show.
So we formed a fabulous bondand relationship.
So finding my siblings, findingthe name of my father.
That really wasn't on my bucketlist, that wasn't on my bingo
card for 2024, but boom, thereit is and I'm very, very
(05:50):
grateful for that, because it'sjust amazing having a sister and
that happened.
I've had a great career shiftpromotion.
We also had a little bit ofnews that came out a couple of
weeks that even shifted me alittle bit more news that came
out a couple weeks that evenshifted me a little bit more.
But career-wise, going great,physically amazing, financially
(06:12):
stable, mentally clear.
The only thing that was missingwas a relationship, and so this
thing was not on my 2024 bingocard either.
So I'm going to share that withyou, and when you hear this
story and what I'm going toshare, you will understand why
(06:34):
the title of this episode iscalled Double X.
I'm so creative.
Anyway, back in November, well,let me let me start from the top
.
So 11 years ago I was engaged.
I was dating someone.
We fell in love.
(06:55):
He asked me to be his wife.
My southern came out hard rightthere, I hope.
Did y'all hear that how?
I said wife, wife.
He asked me to be his wife,yeah, well, he asked me to marry
him.
I said yes and um, at the time.
You know, we had some peoplewho were kind of like y'all are
(07:17):
doing this really fast, becausewe met on a blonde date, which
is something that I've neverdone.
We were set up by mutualfriends.
At the time, a friend of minewas dating a friend of his and
they were like you two would begreat.
So I went out on a blind datewith this guy and was like
smitten, clearly, because if Isay yeah, I'm gonna marry you.
(07:38):
So yeah.
So we started dating inFebruary and then we were
engaged in March and so peoplewere like what are you doing?
Do you even know this guy?
Blah, blah, blah, and let's puta pin right there.
I just want to say this rightnow I am not a spontaneous
person per se.
I do tend to go with the flow,with a strategy.
(08:00):
Okay, I don't make knee jerk,emotional decisions.
If anything, you can't say thatI fly by the seat of my pants.
If anything you're going to say, I overthink.
So for me to say yes to thisman, it did not mean that we
were going to get married thenext day or within that year.
(08:21):
Okay, because I knew, becauseI'm a smart cookie, you don't
know people unless you've gonethrough a few seasons with them.
And when I say seasons I'm notmeaning literally winter, spring
, summer and fall.
Sometimes it can be that redlines crystal clear.
But going through some seasons,I need to know how you handle
(08:45):
certain things.
So even though I said yes afterliterally maybe six weeks of
knowing this man, that did notmean I was gonna marry him the
next day.
Okay, and I just want people tolisten to this, even my friends
and family, because I reallythink some of y'all don't know
me like you think you do.
T ain't crazy, ok, but yeah.
(09:10):
So we get engaged and somethings happen.
Life started happening.
And one thing about me I haveendured a lot of things.
About me, y'all, I have endureda lot of things.
(09:31):
I am a trauma survivor and sowhen adversity comes from me, I
look at things differently.
I'm not saying that adversitydoesn't, doesn't affect me or
impact me in some kind of way.
It does, but the way that Ibounce back it's a little
different than the averageperson.
I tend to allow myself to feelwhat I feel and then start
(09:52):
putting into practice the toolsand things that I've learned
over the years through therapy,and putting into practice the
word of God in my prayer lifeand fasting and things like that
.
So when things like that, whentragedy strikes or adversity
happens, I don't react the waythat people think I'm going to.
(10:12):
So remember that.
But in our relationship,adversity happens.
He lost his job.
And one thing about the menthat I tend to date they're all
driven, ambitious men.
They want to be providers,protectors and things like that.
That's the only way I'm goingto have it.
Okay, you can't be a dust bunny, you can't be a bum and try to
(10:37):
get over here.
Okay.
So he lost his job and I'm like, okay, we can get through this,
blah blah, blah blah.
You know being supportive, andeverything like that.
Well, I saw how he handledadversity and I'm going to be
honest, I went through it withthis man.
(11:00):
I went through it.
I stayed longer than I shouldhave stayed.
It took more than what I shouldhave taken Now.
Granted, I was a lot youngerthan what I am now and I wasn't,
you know, a kid.
I was in my, you know, 11 yearsago.
If I'm 48, do the math I wasclearly in my 30s, pushing 40.
(11:20):
But at that time, I was dealingwith some things as well, like
there was a period in my lifewhen I was, I was lonely.
Well, not necessarily lonely, Iwas alone.
I wasn't really lonely becausemy life was fulfilling, but it
was just longing, that's theword.
I was longing for a companion.
(11:41):
I was longing for arelationship because at that
time most of my friends weredating and getting married and
having kids, and that doessomething to you.
It's like, okay, well, what'swrong with me?
So I did, I went through that,and so I put up with a lot more
than what I should have withthis man.
I'm not ashamed about it,because there's a lot of us
probably you listening, probablythinking yeah, girl, I've been
there too, so I don't mindsharing you know what I want you
(12:08):
to know.
You gonna know it.
So we went through this thingand at the time we were living
in two different states.
We were, we were probably aboutan hour and a half away from
each other, so we're in a longdistance relationship and we
weren't communicating.
And he cheated on me and thatwas devastating.
Devastating to me, because Ifound the woman that he cheated
(12:33):
on me with.
But first of all, let me tellyou how I found out.
So he started moving real funnyand at this time I started I
was sick and I was in and out ofthe hospital.
Like my friends know this story, I was in and out of the
hospital.
Like my friends know this story.
I was in and out of thehospital.
He wasn't there, you know, hewas moving, real funny.
But me being who, I am like, ohhe, you know he's going through
this, making excuses for him,child, just dumb.
So he blocked he.
(12:56):
We have an argument and I'mlike he wished me the best and
I'm like, oh, you know, youwishing me the best Negro.
I ain't going to say what Iwant to say, you know, but I'm
like huh, but then the next dayyou're like I love you.
Well, I'm going to tell you,god always shows me stuff.
(13:19):
Disclaimer Let me just put thisout there Y'all don't be trying
to get over people who who havea relationship with God, who
fast, who pray, who ask Godthese tough questions and who
have a little bit of propheticgift in them, because God going
to always tell them.
So he blocks me on his socialmedia.
He puts his little accounts andstuff on private.
Okay, and I want y'all toremember this too, because
(13:40):
there's a pattern he puts hislittle stuff on private, where
he forgets to put me, to blockme on Instagram.
Now, and during this time, I'mhaving these horrible migraines
that look like strokes.
It looks like I'm having astroke.
I'm having double vision, allof this stuff in and out of the
hospital.
So at this time I was myeyesight was not very good.
(14:03):
I just so happened to open upInstagram this particular day.
I don't know why, but I openedup Instagram and guess what's
the first thing I see?
It's a picture of him and thiswoman and they booed up.
Now, mind you, he doneproclaimed his love for me.
(14:23):
He misses me, he wants me back.
Blah blah, blah, blah.
We need to work this out.
Blah, blah, blah.
I see him booed up with thiswoman.
I'm like, okay, is this an oldpicture?
So she's tagged.
You know what I did?
Yep went right on over to heraccount.
I never reached out to herbecause I don't believe in it.
I'm like the man knows theperson in the relationship knows
(14:46):
that they are in a relationship.
I'm gonna deal with the personthat knows that they're in a
relationship.
Unless a woman stepped to mecross-eyed and talking out the
side of the neck, I don't havean issue with you, sis, I don't
have an issue with you.
I have an issue with the manthat I'm dating because he knows
he's dating.
So I go look at her account andthere they are.
(15:07):
There they are.
And then I'm looking at herlike oh my God, she's beautiful.
Like the chick was bad.
She was so bad.
She used to be a video vixen,mm-hmm.
That tanked my self-esteem.
So I was like devastated.
(15:30):
Fast forward, you know.
Well, I let him know that.
I know I see you, you see me, Isee you.
And then I'm like you know whatI'm done.
I can't do this.
Blah, blah, blah.
Fast forward to another year.
He comes.
He's not even a year, maybeabout six months.
He circles back around here.
You know she done dumped himbecause you know he's playing a
facade.
You know this is a video vixen.
(15:51):
She done been around rappers.
She done been around.
You know that type of thing.
He couldn't provide thatlifestyle for her.
So they break up or whatevershe's married within like three
months.
Do with that information whatyou will.
So we end up like he's asking meyou know, can we be us again?
(16:15):
Blah, blah.
At that time I'm so hurt.
I'm like, no, I can't even dealwith you right now.
And don't talk for a while.
Fast forward.
He reaches out for my birthday,wishing me happy birthday.
I don't know why I didn't blockhis phone number, but we're
having conversations, we'rebeing cordial now.
So now I'm at the point where Ican be cordial with you, but
(16:37):
during this entire time he'sasking me Okay, is there a way
we can be us again?
Now my answer has been no,because my thought process was
there is no us like you killedus.
There is no us Like the woman,they that you knew you killed
(16:59):
her like you just destroyed her.
Because the rebuilding that Ihad to do from that breakup
y'all, I did some serious work.
Now, mind you, I am leaving outsome parts of the story to
protect his identity, becauseI'm not here to bash him.
This is about me.
I'm not here to bash him, soI'm leaving out certain parts.
(17:22):
But I did some serious workbecause, when I tell you, my
heart was broken.
I think this was the worstheartbreak I have ever
experienced and I even told him.
I said losing you, breaking upwith you, losing this
relationship, hurt more than melosing my daughter.
Losing my daughter I couldn'tdo anything about.
But I felt like I should haveseen who this man is and what he
(17:47):
, what he represents.
So I felt betrayed, I feltblindsided, just broken.
Fast forward to November of 2023.
Mind you, we're cordial, we'refriends, we're friendly.
Like he would text every oncein a while I was like, hey, how
you doing, how your kids doingwhatever.
So we would have conversation.
But it was nothing like serious.
Mind you, we're cordial, we'refriends, we're friendly, like he
would text every once in awhile I would say, hey, how you
(18:08):
doing, how your kids doingWhatever.
So we would have conversation.
But it was nothing like serious.
I've been dating, having a goodold time.
I'm pretty sure he was datingor whatever.
But it got to a point where Iwas like I'm tired of dealing
with these nappy head men, likeI'm just, I'm just over it.
So there came a point in mylife where I was focusing on me
(18:29):
so fast forward to November of2023, and how things in my life
are just going very well.
And he tells me he's havingsurgery.
So I'm, like you know,concerned, because I'm not a
mean-spirited person.
If I care about you, I careabout you, like I really just
want people to be well andwhatever.
(18:51):
So if we consider ourselvesfriends, I'm gonna check on you,
make sure you're good, orwhatever, unless God says sever
the tie.
Okay, well, god says sever thetie.
That's a different story.
So fast forward.
We're now living in the samecity.
He lets me know he's havingsurgery, surgery.
He didn't give me the date oranything, because I'm pretty
sure he knows I would have shownup.
But he texted me after hissurgery and was like hey,
(19:13):
surgery went well, I'm homerecovering, blah, blah, blah.
So I'm like okay, is thereanything you need?
Blah blah.
So we're having thisconversation for like a week or
two and I go about my merrylittle day.
He's's good, whatever, aboutsix weeks.
Well, it was December.
He we're on the phone.
(19:34):
I'm calling to check on him.
We're on the phone and as I'mdriving I was saying, okay, well
, do you need some soup?
I'll block and Instacart yousomething or whatever.
And he says to me you're sosweet I could kiss you.
And I say you're not my man, soyou can't be kissing on me,
like kisses are only reservedfor my man.
And he says well, I'm about tochange that because you need to
(20:02):
be my girl again.
And I say what?
And not realizing that he'sserious.
I'm thinking he's joking or,you know, feeling good off his
payments or something.
I'm like, yeah, whatever, no,and I said now you can't be my
man, but you can be my sidepiece if you want to be like I'm
joking.
He's like, yeah, I'll be yourside piece.
Like what does that entail?
I said do you know what a sidepiece is Like?
(20:22):
I don't think you understandwhat that means.
And so I explained to him thatmeans I can go out with whomever
I want to at any given momentin time, and we live in the same
city now.
So that means there's a chancethat you're going to see me out
with somebody else and I don'tthink you can handle that.
Y'all why this man said no, hecan't handle that and we need to
(20:55):
be exclusive.
We're going to be exclusive.
We're exclusive now and hehangs up the phone and I'm like
wait, what?
What is he joking?
He hangs up the phone andwouldn't answer.
So I'm like, huh, okay, andwait a minute.
So I go on about my day, try tofigure out what the heck
happened, and the next day Icalled him.
I was like listen, were youserious?
Like what was that, what wasthat?
Because back up I had beennoticing when we were, when I
would call and check on him, hewould say things like my love,
my sweet.
So you know, he was very likemy woman kind of thing and I'm
(21:19):
like, okay, whatever, you high.
So I called him back the nextday and I'm like, yo, what was
that?
What was that all about?
And so he goes into saying, youknow, he wants us to be back
together, blah, blah, and I'mlike, listen, okay, we can try
it, but we need to have a realtough conversation.
So we had a very long and toughconversation.
(21:40):
When I say long, it was liketwo and a half, almost three
hours because I was like, listen, we did not end on a good note
and there were some things inthis relationship before that
I'm not going to tolerate nowBecause, mind you, it has been
eight years since we had been acouple and I have gone through a
(22:00):
lot of stuff.
I had done a lot of growing, alot of changing.
You've been out of my life, youhave taught me how to live
without you, all of this stuff.
So I'm like I am not the sameTracy that you dated eight years
ago.
Bruh, I'm not the same, and sowe had this conversation.
He said what he wanted.
(22:23):
I said what I wanted, laid outan expectation.
Okay, great, so we're dating,we're having spending time
together because, now, you know,this is the first time we're in
the same city, so we wereliterally living 20 minutes away
from each other and so we werespending time together.
We were going out, we weretalking you know it was great.
(22:43):
You know it was great.
Um, we were making plans fortravel.
Um, we actually traveled for mybirthday, had an amazing trip.
He did some amazing things onmy birthday and I was just like
okay, this, this I like.
Well, remember, I said he hadhad surgery, so he was still
(23:06):
recovering from the surgery.
Life started happening again.
Another adversity comes up, sohe has to move back to Columbia.
Before he moves, I say listen,listen, we're going to be in a
long distance relationship, sowe need to be proactive, like
what's going to happen, how Ineed you to communicate with me,
because that was that's been mybiggest thing.
(23:27):
I don't ask for a lot.
I need you to communicate withme and I need you to spend time
with me.
Those are the two things that Iask in every relationship, be
truthful, communicate and spendtime with me.
So I'm expressing to him thisis what I am going to need
because, mind you, I've alreadylearned how to live without this
(23:50):
man and, even being back in arelationship, the things that I
had going on in my life at thetime they did not stop.
So fast forward to a?
Um.
When he moves right around May,I'm getting frustrated because
we're not spending time witheach other.
Um, the patterns started comingback from what I saw excuse me,
(24:12):
saw in our, our pastrelationship and I was like
listen, this is the same thing,it's the same pattern, I'm not
happy, I need this.
And I was.
I was really about to tap outthen because I was like no, no,
I don't deserve this.
Oh, and I forgot y'all.
I had him on a 90-day probation.
When we got back together, hedidn't know that.
(24:33):
If he's listening to this,which I doubt that he is, but if
he's listening, you were on a90-day probation, sir.
The 90 days ended my birthdayweekend.
I should have put you onsix-month probation, but the
nine days ended and I did thatbecause of our past relationship
(24:54):
.
I was very cautious, I was verystrategic and I also was talking
to my therapist about it, likeam I crazy for even wanting to
allow this man back into my lifein that way?
And I had a couple of friendsget upset with me because I
didn't tell them that we weredating.
But I had my reasons.
(25:15):
I had to figure it out.
I had to be certain that I didwant him back and what that
looked like Like had he reallychanged?
I knew I changed, but had hereally changed?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I had my reasons for it.
It was, it was all.
It was like I was protecting my, my, my space, my peace, my
mind and my heart, because Iremember what not protecting it
(25:35):
did and how devastated I was,and I refused to be devastated
again.
So I was very strategic in it.
But I was telling him in Maylike listen, I'm asking you for
this.
He had made a promise and hehad broken that, broken a.
Like listen, I'm asking you forthis.
He had made a promise, that hehad broken that promise to me
and I'm like, okay, here's thesame mess, here we go.
It's the same mess, and I amnot shy about expressing and
(26:00):
communicating what it is.
I want, need and expect, and Ialso compromise and I ask people
well, what is it that you wantfrom me or need from me?
Like, how can I make thisbetter on my end?
Relationships are reciprocal.
Okay, so we're having this talkand I was like, listen, I need
(26:21):
to talk to you about something.
I'm not happy.
This that X, y and Z.
I'm not happy in this situation.
This that X, y and Z.
I'm not happy in this situation.
And I was like well, what doyou want from me?
And he said I need you to bepatient with me.
And I said, okay, I have noproblem being patient, but I
need you to communicate with me.
I don't want to have to sitback and try to figure out
what's going on in your head,because at this point, our lives
(26:43):
are joined, like we're in arelationship.
So whatever happens with you isit's going to affect me some
kind of way.
Whatever happens with me isgoing to affect you.
I will communicate with you andlet you know like, hey, this is
, this is what it is.
So that was May and we're notspending any time together
because he's in Columbia, I'm inmy city, I'm in Charlotte.
Um, it's a lot of thingsfinancially that's happening
(27:06):
with him, but I'm sitting herewatching him do all of these
things for people in Columbia,but he's not spending time with
me, he's not answering the phone.
It's just the same pattern.
Now, do I think he was cheating?
I don't think he was cheating,but it was just the same pattern
.
Matter of of fact, I don't careif he was cheating or not,
because I already knew I had onefoot out the door and so we had
(27:31):
planned to um, go to um.
We were taking a trip for hisbirthday in November and so I
had made the plans, made thereservation, set it up real nice
, like VIP star treatment allthe way, because I knew he had
had a rough year and I was likeyou deserve this trip.
(27:51):
I really wanted him to have amoment of peace, tranquility or
whatever.
So trip is all set up.
Okay, we um.
We have an instance where he wassupposed to be here in
Charlotte and I was like okay,you're coming, just stop by my
job, come get the keys so youcan get in.
(28:13):
I'm not going to be home whenyou get there.
Blah, blah, blah.
I get off at a certain time.
He knows what time I get off.
So I'm basically kind ofhanging around my desk and in
the office.
So when he comes I will beready to go downstairs and give
(28:34):
him a key, do whatever.
Well, I'm getting off work.
I haven't heard from him.
Well, we have been textingthroughout the day so he was
updating me on what's going on.
The time that I get off work I'mliterally in my had, just
pulled into my garage and I geta text from him that says babe,
change of plans.
I'll.
(28:54):
I'll call you later and explain.
I text back.
I knew you weren't coming.
My gut instinct is never wrong.
That be Holy Spirit, all up inmy business all the time.
So my gut was telling me he'snot coming, he's not coming.
(29:15):
So I texted him.
I said I knew you weren'tcoming.
No response, and so I knew.
Then he got in his feelings.
I wasn't saying I knew youweren't coming in a malicious
way, I just knew.
And so this was on a Monday.
I don't hear from him Mondaynight.
So now, granted, I know he's inCharlotte and he's driving back
(29:36):
to Columbia.
I don't hear from him Mondaynight.
I don't hear from him Tuesdaymorning.
I don't hear from him all dayTuesday.
Tuesday night, I call straightto voicemail.
Text no response, facetimestraight to you know, no
response.
So Wednesday morning I get upand by this time I'm enraged
(29:57):
Because now I'm like okay, theonly way this is going to be
acceptable is if you are in ahospital, bedacitated, and you
can't respond to me.
But my gut was telling me he isignoring you because he is in
his feelings about what you said, that you knew he wasn't coming
.
So I text him and I say, hey,the least you could do is let me
(30:26):
know that you're okay, becausenow I'm worried about you.
I don't know if you're hurt, Idon't know what happened.
The last thing I hear is himsaying something happened.
He explains later.
So I said the least you can dois let me know you're okay.
And then I said and this waspetty, I admit it.
But then I said I give you asecond chance.
And this is what I get.
This is what I get, because atthis time I'm pissed.
(30:50):
I'm pissed and I'm hurt becauseyou're doing this again.
You literally begged me for thelast eight years to take you
back and then you're doing thesame thing again.
You really think I'm gonna sitand take it.
Let me calm down.
So I say you know, the leastyou can do is let me know that
you're okay.
You know, just let me know thatyou're okay.
(31:12):
So I don't hear from this manfor 48 hours.
But the thing that makes himtext me back is me saying I knew
.
No, I give you a second chance.
And this is what I get.
He responds to me braceyourself, sis, sit back and
brace yourself.
He responds to me I knew itwouldn't be long before you
(31:36):
threw it in my face and puts inquotation marks.
I gave you a second chance.
And then he says, for therecord, I I'm okay.
Have a wonderful day, nilko.
He didn't say Nilko, that's me,nilko, y'all.
(31:57):
I kid you not when I tell youmy blood started to boil and my
nose started to flare.
Whenever I am angry, my noseflares.
So I call him Straight tovoicemail, so I text him.
I said oh, so you're doing thison purpose.
So now you're being petty,you're okay, bet.
(32:20):
It was in that moment that Iknew this relationship is over,
because I'm not doing this, I'mnot doing this, I'm not doing
this.
I called my travel agent and Ileave her.
She wasn't in the office yet,because this is early in the
morning.
She wasn't in the office.
Yet I leave her a message and Isay take him off the
reservation.
I let my sister know what wasgoing on.
(32:42):
My sister was like you don'twant to think about it.
You want to change that?
No, for what?
Because, mind you y'all, I wasalready here.
I was already here.
It was.
I was just like trying to givehim the benefit of the doubt.
But this was the thing that didit.
Like I bet remember I'mstrategic I was already here and
I had already been talking tomy therapist about it, like I
(33:04):
well, actually I was telling mytherapist like I just need to
make it to November.
I just need to make it toNovember with him so we can go
on this trip.
Maybe that'll settle things.
The more I started thinkingabout, I'm like no, why would I
reward you for this behavior?
That's dumb.
So my travel agent calls meback and she was like I, you
(33:25):
don't have to tell me whathappened, but are you sure you
want to do this?
Do?
Do you want to wait a day?
No, take him off, take him offthe reservation.
So, took him off thereservation.
I'm still going on a trip, bythe way.
Hello, still going on a trip.
What was once his birthday tripis now my reset trip.
Okay, changed it around alittle bit because I had some
(33:47):
excursions scheduled for him,but now, no, it's spa days
anyway.
My travel agent was like okay,well, you know, I'm going to
send you an email, but once youtake him off, we can't add him
back at the second rate.
I said you ain't got to worryabout adding him, don't worry
about it, take off, baby girlsaved me $1,600.
(34:07):
Okay, anyway, I have not heardfrom him since and there is no
apology, there is no explanationas to what happened.
I feel like he is in hisfeelings and that pride is
getting in the and I'm notdealing with that anymore.
(34:29):
And so I am proud of myself forexiting stage left because,
even though I love him, I lovemyself more.
And one thing I said to him,because I fired off some text
messages.
I let him know, listen.
I said to him it appears thatyou want out of this
(34:53):
relationship and don't know howto say it, so I'm just going to
make this easier for you.
I'm taking you off thereservation for November.
I've taken you off thereservation.
He's supposed to go on thefamily cruise with me.
I've taken you off thereservation.
He was supposed to go on thefamily cruise with me.
I've taken you off thereservation for the family
cruise and I'm done.
(35:16):
And that was the last text Isent him and I meant it.
I meant it with my whole chestBecause I was not.
I promised myself I was notgoing to go play ring around the
Rosie with this.
We are adults.
This man is a grandfather.
If you can't communicate withthe woman that you proclaim that
you love.
And one thing I said to him inone of the text messages this is
(35:39):
not love, this is abuse, and Ideserve to be loved.
Well, and when I tell you, thepsychologist coach training came
up in me.
I was like, oh, I'm dealingwith an avoidant personality,
I'm dealing with an avoidantpersonality and I'm dealing with
somebody that is in arresteddevelopment.
Yes, arrested development was ashow and yes, arrested
(36:01):
development was a band, but it'sa psychological disorder for
real.
Look it up.
And when I realized that thisis what I was dealing with, I
said I'm not going to deal withit because he refuses to get
professional help.
(36:22):
And anytime you deal withsomebody that refuses to get
professional help, you're goingto have a fight on your hands
every single time.
And when a healed person,someone that is actively on a
healing journey and that hasbeen healed through some really,
really hard things, you're notgoing to put up with foolishness
(36:45):
and I am proud of myself forsticking to my guns and saying
no more.
It was seven months.
We had a good four, maybe five,but when I saw the pattern and
(37:08):
I give you an opportunity tocourse correct and you don't,
you're telling me everythingthat I need to know, everything
that I need to know.
You are happy and content inthe state that you're in and I
feel like Chrisette Michelle.
Right now she has a song calledBlame it On Me, say it's my
fault.
If that's what's going to makeyou feel better, blame it on me.
(37:28):
But you and I and the Lordabove know the truth.
And again, I wish him the best.
But he is the first and a highprobability that he will be the
last ex that I will reunite with.
(37:49):
And so now I'm single again.
I'm back on the prowl.
No, not really.
I am dating.
I am enjoying myself, but I amalso reminding myself that I
(38:09):
deserve to be loved well, and soI say this to anyone that is
listening, that is in arelationship or seeking a
relationship.
You deserve to be loved well.
Define what being loved wellmeans to you, and I'm not
talking about material stuff.
Y'all better start looking atthese people's characters and
integrity, like the first thing.
(38:30):
I'm asking people now hey, youlove Jesus, you got a
relationship with Jesus.
You go to therapy?
How long you been in therapy?
Where was your last physicalsir?
So I'm just saying, where wasyour last physical sir?
So I'm just saying you know,it's just certain things that I,
when I was younger, I wanted,like I wanted them to be six
over six feet tall, and it'sfunny that still I'm attracted
(38:52):
to that.
But then guys with some heighton them are attracted to me.
I guess it's because I'm shortand they feel like I need to be
protected.
I don't know, but it's more forme, more now for me, like, what
is your character, like what isyour integrity?
Yes, finances are important,because right now you got to
(39:14):
match my level.
We got to at least match.
I want to be with someone that Ican learn from and also teach
and also learn with and growwith.
I want to be with someone wholoves God and has a relationship
with God, because you got to beable to pray for me.
You got to be able to catch mein the spirit, and what that
(39:36):
means is you know, I don't careif we 100 miles away from each
other.
No, I don't care if we 100miles away from each other.
You know just by the tone of myvoice or you're praying and God
shows you something.
You know that something is off.
You know how I know that that'sa possibility Because I have
girlfriends that are like that.
I have guy friends that arelike hey T, you came across my
(39:59):
mind.
You good, I want that in a mate.
I want somebody that's got apassport.
We're going to travel.
I don't want to have to pullteeth to get you to go on an
international trip with mebecause you hear about travel
advisory and now you, scared,the United States got a travel
(40:21):
advisory.
If you don't get on this plane,come on.
But I feel like love has momentswith ease, because I look at
love through the bible's lens.
Love is patient, loving, loveis kind, love never fails, love
never boasts.
And I need somebody whocommunicates, be emotionally
(40:44):
intelligent.
I don't want to have to sit andlike we can have kiki and laugh
all the time, but when it'stime to have serious
conversations, I don't want tohave to basically hit you over
the head and crack your brainopen to figure out what's going
on with you.
So, anyway, this dating scene isstill a little funny, but I'm
(41:12):
back out there because I trulybelieve that the one that God
has for me will find me, we willfind each other, has for me
will find me, we will find eachother.
And I feel like it will be notas hard as it has been in the
(41:32):
past because I'm not looking atmy own understanding and devices
.
Now, one thing I have prayedlike God when you bring them,
when you bring them, let me bereceptive to them, because my
friends don't call me the lunchlady for no reason.
I'm just saying they don't callme the lunch lady for no reason
, but I just wanted to sharethat.
(41:56):
Um, hopefully it encouragessomeone because, being a woman
in your 40s, you know I've neverbeen married and that's not for
, not for lack of trying.
You know I've been engaged twice.
Yeah, I've been engaged twiceand both times I was like uh-uh,
because I look at marriage as Iam not just making a covenant,
(42:25):
a promise to the one that Imarry, but I'm standing before
God and making a promise to himto spend my life with this
person.
I want my marriage to be notonly a fabulous wedding but a
fabulous marriage, and I knowthat it's possible because I'm
around people who have goodmarriages and I know that they
(42:47):
deal with some things you know,but that one thing that they're
going to do is they're going tosit down at a table and iron it
out.
They're going to talk it out,they're going to work it out.
So I know that it's possibleand I'm just getting to the
point where I'm starting tobelieve that it's possible for
me.
But one thing that I am so proudof myself for is being able to
(43:10):
articulate what it is that Iwant and also saying well, god,
this is the desire of my heart,this is the the desire of my
heart.
But if I'm missing something inthis desire, show it to me,
reveal it to me, help me to seekthat, because, first things
(43:30):
first, I want to please God.
I want him to be pleased withmy relationship.
So, double x, wherever you are,I hope and I pray that you find
what you're looking for andyou're able to receive it.
(43:51):
I pray the best over you.
I pray god's best over you andthat you get some help, bro.
Get some help, because ain'tnothing worse than a broken man
(44:13):
or a broken woman?
Because that brokenness spillsover into every aspect of your
life, into every aspect of yourlife.
Ask me how I know.
I've been there, done that.
So now when I'm evaluating mylife, I'm looking at the piece
that's broken, because that'sthe thing.
It's like having a glass ofwater and the bottom of that
(44:37):
glass cracks.
And now you got a crack andit's not going to hold water at
all.
You keep pouring and pouring,and pouring, and pouring and
pouring, and the more you pour,the more water you lose.
I can't lose any more of my oil.
So that's season eight, thestart of season eight.
(44:59):
Y'all now I'm not saying thatI'm out here single and dating
because I'm, you know, I wanty'all to be like all up in my
DMs and stuff.
It happens enough as it is.
Y'all I get some veryinteresting DMs, I get
approached by some veryinteresting guys.
So, yeah, I'm not asking to beset up or anything like that,
(45:24):
because nine times out of teny'all going to get it wrong,
like my friends have tried toset me up with other guys before
and I'm like now what made youthink that we were going to be
compatible?
Help me understand.
Are you just trying to get memarried off?
Yeah, that ain't going to work.
That ain't going to work.
I need you to be a little bitmore more specific in the area.
(45:45):
But yeah, I'm not asking to beset up.
I'm doing okay.
I'm doing okay.
But I am enjoying dating and Iknow it's cuffing season.
So you know, some of these guysare out here like, yeah, she,
you know she kind of got ittogether.
Let me go on a touch to her.
No, no, no, no, sir, becausewhen I tell you the discernment
is on point, it's on point.
But I will say there's a littletender brony that got the dude
(46:09):
that was old.
But yeah, there's a littletender brony that I've been
looking at.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's nice.
So I'm just, I'm just sayingjust saying, keep it classy,
keep it holy.
But yeah, y'all, if you areover in your 40s, shoot, even in
(46:30):
your 30s child, it's crazy.
But if you are out here dating,be sure that you have done the
work within yourself before youtry to connect with somebody
else.
Be clear on what it is that youwant in a mate and be clear on
what it is, on how you are as amate.
It goes both ways.
You do the work on you and makesure that you can see the work
(46:51):
that has been done in somebodyelse.
We're at a point where you knowall of us have had something
happen in our lives.
It's not what has happened toyou, it's how you react to what
has happened to you.
Trauma is real.
Trauma is real and it can stopyou dead in your tracks and when
(47:11):
you try to get with somebodywho's not going to do the work
within themselves, you areasking for trouble, trouble,
trouble, trouble, trouble.
Don't do that to yourself.
Protect your neck.
Trouble, trouble, trouble,trouble.
Don't do this to yourself.
Protect your neck.
(47:32):
Well, y'all.
That is it for this episode ofthe charging station.
So I hope that you enjoyed thisepisode.
I hope that something was saidthat will bless you, that will
help you in your dating life.
You know what?
I think I'm going to findsomebody who is a dating expert.
Ooh, I just thought of somebody.
I'm going to email her today.
I think I'm going to bring heron to be a guest on the podcast.
I hope she says yes, but untilnext time.
Y'all remember, god loves you,I love you.
(47:54):
It ain't nothing you can doabout it.
Boo Bye.
What's good, everybody.
Welcome to the Charging Station.
What's good, everybody, welcometo the Charging Station.
Season eight, hello, hello,hello.
It's your girl, tracy Massey,of Living my Empowered Life.
I am super excited to be backwith you.
We took a little break over thesummer.
We're actually over August, soI can just enjoy the last little
(00:44):
bit of my summer because, yeah,I have been ripping and running
since March of 2024.
Like every weekend in Marchsince March, I've had something
going on.
So we're currently at the timeof the recording of this podcast
.
We are in September, and so inMarch I had made a promise to
(01:07):
myself to sit down in August andSeptember, meaning no traveling
.
The answer was no, there wereno events, there was no
traveling.
You know, I just needed a breakand I'm glad that I did that,
because now I feel refreshed and, with the fall season coming
coming, there's more travel.
October, november is about toget crazy in a good way, and the
(01:33):
holiday season is approaching,so it's going to be a lot going
on.
So I'm glad I took that hiatus.
But anyway, if you are new here,welcome to the Charging Station
.
I hope that you subscribe,follow, share, come back for the
shenanigans.
We have a good time over here.
If you're a returning listener,hey, boo, you know I love me
some.
You welcome back.
Welcome back.
I'm so glad to be back on thecouchy couch with my peeps.
(01:56):
So come on in, tap that handsanitizer, take your shoes off,
because don't be bringing yourdirty shoes in on my floor.
Okay, we're here to have a goodtime.
So I'm kicking off season eightwith a story time, okay, but
first.
But first.
But first couple things, couplehousekeeping things.
We got.
We have a new thing that'sgoing on right now.
(02:16):
If you look at the show notes,at the bottom of the show notes
you see this item line item thatsays text me.
You can leave a text message onthe show now.
So if you leave a message, atext message, I will read your
text out on the next episode andrespond to it.
(02:40):
If you have a question, or ifyou're just shouting me out, if
you're leaving a review, I'mgoing to be reading those all
season.
So make sure you go and send mea text message.
Let me know what you think aboutthe episode, let me know what
you think about the show and, um, everybody, please be sure to
follow me on the socials, onInstagram at living my empowered
(03:01):
life, facebook.
Living my empowered life onTikTok and livingmyempoweredlife
, especially on TikTok.
I'm actually a little bit moreactive on TikTok.
I'm new to TikTok and so I wantto get my peeps up over there.
If you listened to the lastepisode in season seven, I was
talking about how my content ischanging.
It's just been a whole lot ofshifting and if I sound funny,
(03:21):
y'all I'm sorry.
I am wearing my retainer like agood girl, so I probably sound
funny.
My s's are probably going to besuper pronounced, so just bear
with me, okay, if you don't know, I've had braces three times,
so I'm serious about my teeth,okay.
But anyway, now that we got allthat, all that out of the way,
let me tell you about the storytime.
(03:42):
So I am almost 50 at the timeof the recording of this podcast
.
I'm 48 and I am embarking onthis journey called fit, fine
and fabulous by 50, where mygoal is to drop 100 pounds and
be the fittest I've been in myadult life.
(04:02):
So I am on the road to doingthat.
Well, with turning 50, youstart contemplating a lot of
things, and I don't know aboutyou, but with every decade that
I've changed like age wise, I'malways reflecting on what has
occurred and setting new goalsfor myself, and so one of the
(04:25):
things is I'm single.
I'm not upset about beingsingle.
If you are dating in thesestreets then you know that the
dating pool is shallow and got alittle sugar Avery P in it.
Some of these fellas and I canonly speak on the men that I've
(04:46):
encountered because I'm a I'm awoman, I date men.
But I also know you know,talking to some of my single guy
friends, they ran into someshenanigans as well.
And don't go asking why me andmy single guy friends don't get
together.
That's just weird.
We're friends.
I don't even look at them likethat, okay, but anyway, I'm
single At this age.
(05:08):
I've been able to accomplishsome great things, especially in
2024.
2024 has been on and poppingLike 2024 has been that girl,
okay.
This year I found my newfoundsister.
You've heard her on one of mysisters, you've heard on the
podcast.
We've found other siblings.
We're still trying to flesh outmeetings and contact and all of
(05:30):
that stuff.
But my sister Robin, sisternumber one, she's been on the
show.
So we formed a fabulous bondand relationship.
So finding my siblings, findingthe name of my father.
That really wasn't on my bucketlist, that wasn't on my bingo
card for 2024, but boom, thereit is and I'm very, very
(05:50):
grateful for that, because it'sjust amazing having a sister and
that happened.
I've had a great career shiftpromotion.
We also had a little bit ofnews that came out a couple of
weeks that even shifted me alittle bit more news that came
out a couple weeks that evenshifted me a little bit more.
But career-wise, going great,physically amazing, financially
(06:12):
stable, mentally clear.
The only thing that was missingwas a relationship, and so this
thing was not on my 2024 bingocard either.
So I'm going to share that withyou, and when you hear this
story and what I'm going toshare, you will understand why
(06:34):
the title of this episode iscalled Double X.
I'm so creative.
Anyway, back in November, well,let me let me start from the top
.
So 11 years ago I was engaged.
I was dating someone.
We fell in love.
(06:55):
He asked me to be his wife.
My southern came out hard rightthere, I hope.
Did y'all hear that how?
I said wife, wife.
He asked me to be his wife,yeah, well, he asked me to marry
him.
I said yes and um, at the time.
You know, we had some peoplewho were kind of like y'all are
(07:17):
doing this really fast, becausewe met on a blonde date, which
is something that I've neverdone.
We were set up by mutualfriends.
At the time, a friend of minewas dating a friend of his and
they were like you two would begreat.
So I went out on a blind datewith this guy and was like
smitten, clearly, because if Isay yeah, I'm gonna marry you.
(07:38):
So yeah.
So we started dating inFebruary and then we were
engaged in March and so peoplewere like what are you doing?
Do you even know this guy?
Blah, blah, blah, and let's puta pin right there.
I just want to say this rightnow I am not a spontaneous
person per se.
I do tend to go with the flow,with a strategy.
(08:00):
Okay, I don't make knee jerk,emotional decisions.
If anything, you can't say thatI fly by the seat of my pants.
If anything you're going to say, I overthink.
So for me to say yes to thisman, it did not mean that we
were going to get married thenext day or within that year.
(08:21):
Okay, because I knew, becauseI'm a smart cookie, you don't
know people unless you've gonethrough a few seasons with them.
And when I say seasons I'm notmeaning literally winter, spring
, summer and fall.
Sometimes it can be that redlines crystal clear.
But going through some seasons,I need to know how you handle
(08:45):
certain things.
So even though I said yes afterliterally maybe six weeks of
knowing this man, that did notmean I was gonna marry him the
next day.
Okay, and I just want people tolisten to this, even my friends
and family, because I reallythink some of y'all don't know
me like you think you do.
T ain't crazy, ok, but yeah.
(09:10):
So we get engaged and somethings happen.
Life started happening.
And one thing about me I haveendured a lot of things.
About me, y'all, I have endureda lot of things.
(09:31):
I am a trauma survivor and sowhen adversity comes from me, I
look at things differently.
I'm not saying that adversitydoesn't, doesn't affect me or
impact me in some kind of way.
It does, but the way that Ibounce back it's a little
different than the averageperson.
I tend to allow myself to feelwhat I feel and then start
(09:52):
putting into practice the toolsand things that I've learned
over the years through therapy,and putting into practice the
word of God in my prayer lifeand fasting and things like that
.
So when things like that, whentragedy strikes or adversity
happens, I don't react the waythat people think I'm going to.
(10:12):
So remember that.
But in our relationship,adversity happens.
He lost his job.
And one thing about the menthat I tend to date they're all
driven, ambitious men.
They want to be providers,protectors and things like that.
That's the only way I'm goingto have it.
Okay, you can't be a dust bunny, you can't be a bum and try to
(10:37):
get over here.
Okay.
So he lost his job and I'm like, okay, we can get through this,
blah blah, blah blah.
You know being supportive, andeverything like that.
Well, I saw how he handledadversity and I'm going to be
honest, I went through it withthis man.
(11:00):
I went through it.
I stayed longer than I shouldhave stayed.
It took more than what I shouldhave taken Now.
Granted, I was a lot youngerthan what I am now and I wasn't,
you know, a kid.
I was in my, you know, 11 yearsago.
If I'm 48, do the math I wasclearly in my 30s, pushing 40.
(11:20):
But at that time, I was dealingwith some things as well, like
there was a period in my lifewhen I was, I was lonely.
Well, not necessarily lonely, Iwas alone.
I wasn't really lonely becausemy life was fulfilling, but it
was just longing, that's theword.
I was longing for a companion.
(11:41):
I was longing for arelationship because at that
time most of my friends weredating and getting married and
having kids, and that doessomething to you.
It's like, okay, well, what'swrong with me?
So I did, I went through that,and so I put up with a lot more
than what I should have withthis man.
I'm not ashamed about it,because there's a lot of us
probably you listening, probablythinking yeah, girl, I've been
there too, so I don't mindsharing you know what I want you
(12:08):
to know.
You gonna know it.
So we went through this thingand at the time we were living
in two different states.
We were, we were probably aboutan hour and a half away from
each other, so we're in a longdistance relationship and we
weren't communicating.
And he cheated on me and thatwas devastating.
Devastating to me, because Ifound the woman that he cheated
(12:33):
on me with.
But first of all, let me tellyou how I found out.
So he started moving real funnyand at this time I started I
was sick and I was in and out ofthe hospital.
Like my friends know this story, I was in and out of the
hospital.
Like my friends know this story.
I was in and out of thehospital.
He wasn't there, you know, hewas moving, real funny.
But me being who, I am like, ohhe, you know he's going through
this, making excuses for him,child, just dumb.
So he blocked he.
(12:56):
We have an argument and I'mlike he wished me the best and
I'm like, oh, you know, youwishing me the best Negro.
I ain't going to say what Iwant to say, you know, but I'm
like huh, but then the next dayyou're like I love you.
Well, I'm going to tell you,god always shows me stuff.
(13:19):
Disclaimer Let me just put thisout there Y'all don't be trying
to get over people who who havea relationship with God, who
fast, who pray, who ask Godthese tough questions and who
have a little bit of propheticgift in them, because God going
to always tell them.
So he blocks me on his socialmedia.
He puts his little accounts andstuff on private.
Okay, and I want y'all toremember this too, because
(13:40):
there's a pattern he puts hislittle stuff on private, where
he forgets to put me, to blockme on Instagram.
Now, and during this time, I'mhaving these horrible migraines
that look like strokes.
It looks like I'm having astroke.
I'm having double vision, allof this stuff in and out of the
hospital.
So at this time I was myeyesight was not very good.
(14:03):
I just so happened to open upInstagram this particular day.
I don't know why, but I openedup Instagram and guess what's
the first thing I see?
It's a picture of him and thiswoman and they booed up.
Now, mind you, he doneproclaimed his love for me.
(14:23):
He misses me, he wants me back.
Blah blah, blah, blah.
We need to work this out.
Blah, blah, blah.
I see him booed up with thiswoman.
I'm like, okay, is this an oldpicture?
So she's tagged.
You know what I did?
Yep went right on over to heraccount.
I never reached out to herbecause I don't believe in it.
I'm like the man knows theperson in the relationship knows
(14:46):
that they are in a relationship.
I'm gonna deal with the personthat knows that they're in a
relationship.
Unless a woman stepped to mecross-eyed and talking out the
side of the neck, I don't havean issue with you, sis, I don't
have an issue with you.
I have an issue with the manthat I'm dating because he knows
he's dating.
So I go look at her account andthere they are.
(15:07):
There they are.
And then I'm looking at herlike oh my God, she's beautiful.
Like the chick was bad.
She was so bad.
She used to be a video vixen,mm-hmm.
That tanked my self-esteem.
So I was like devastated.
(15:30):
Fast forward, you know.
Well, I let him know that.
I know I see you, you see me, Isee you.
And then I'm like you know whatI'm done.
I can't do this.
Blah, blah, blah.
Fast forward to another year.
He comes.
He's not even a year, maybeabout six months.
He circles back around here.
You know she done dumped himbecause you know he's playing a
facade.
You know this is a video vixen.
(15:51):
She done been around rappers.
She done been around.
You know that type of thing.
He couldn't provide thatlifestyle for her.
So they break up or whatevershe's married within like three
months.
Do with that information whatyou will.
So we end up like he's asking meyou know, can we be us again?
(16:15):
Blah, blah.
At that time I'm so hurt.
I'm like, no, I can't even dealwith you right now.
And don't talk for a while.
Fast forward.
He reaches out for my birthday,wishing me happy birthday.
I don't know why I didn't blockhis phone number, but we're
having conversations, we'rebeing cordial now.
So now I'm at the point where Ican be cordial with you, but
(16:37):
during this entire time he'sasking me Okay, is there a way
we can be us again?
Now my answer has been no,because my thought process was
there is no us like you killedus.
There is no us Like the woman,they that you knew you killed
(16:59):
her like you just destroyed her.
Because the rebuilding that Ihad to do from that breakup
y'all, I did some serious work.
Now, mind you, I am leaving outsome parts of the story to
protect his identity, becauseI'm not here to bash him.
This is about me.
I'm not here to bash him, soI'm leaving out certain parts.
(17:22):
But I did some serious workbecause, when I tell you, my
heart was broken.
I think this was the worstheartbreak I have ever
experienced and I even told him.
I said losing you, breaking upwith you, losing this
relationship, hurt more than melosing my daughter.
Losing my daughter I couldn'tdo anything about.
But I felt like I should haveseen who this man is and what he
(17:47):
, what he represents.
So I felt betrayed, I feltblindsided, just broken.
Fast forward to November of 2023.
Mind you, we're cordial, we'refriends, we're friendly.
Like he would text every oncein a while I was like, hey, how
you doing, how your kids doingwhatever.
So we would have conversation.
But it was nothing like serious.
Mind you, we're cordial, we'refriends, we're friendly, like he
would text every once in awhile I would say, hey, how you
(18:08):
doing, how your kids doingWhatever.
So we would have conversation.
But it was nothing like serious.
I've been dating, having a goodold time.
I'm pretty sure he was datingor whatever.
But it got to a point where Iwas like I'm tired of dealing
with these nappy head men, likeI'm just, I'm just over it.
So there came a point in mylife where I was focusing on me
(18:29):
so fast forward to November of2023, and how things in my life
are just going very well.
And he tells me he's havingsurgery.
So I'm, like you know,concerned, because I'm not a
mean-spirited person.
If I care about you, I careabout you, like I really just
want people to be well andwhatever.
(18:51):
So if we consider ourselvesfriends, I'm gonna check on you,
make sure you're good, orwhatever, unless God says sever
the tie.
Okay, well, god says sever thetie.
That's a different story.
So fast forward.
We're now living in the samecity.
He lets me know he's havingsurgery, surgery.
He didn't give me the date oranything, because I'm pretty
sure he knows I would have shownup.
But he texted me after hissurgery and was like hey,
(19:13):
surgery went well, I'm homerecovering, blah, blah, blah.
So I'm like okay, is thereanything you need?
Blah blah.
So we're having thisconversation for like a week or
two and I go about my merrylittle day.
He's's good, whatever, aboutsix weeks.
Well, it was December.
He we're on the phone.
(19:34):
I'm calling to check on him.
We're on the phone and as I'mdriving I was saying, okay, well
, do you need some soup?
I'll block and Instacart yousomething or whatever.
And he says to me you're sosweet I could kiss you.
And I say you're not my man, soyou can't be kissing on me,
like kisses are only reservedfor my man.
And he says well, I'm about tochange that because you need to
(20:02):
be my girl again.
And I say what?
And not realizing that he'sserious.
I'm thinking he's joking or,you know, feeling good off his
payments or something.
I'm like, yeah, whatever, no,and I said now you can't be my
man, but you can be my sidepiece if you want to be like I'm
joking.
He's like, yeah, I'll be yourside piece.
Like what does that entail?
I said do you know what a sidepiece is Like?
(20:22):
I don't think you understandwhat that means.
And so I explained to him thatmeans I can go out with whomever
I want to at any given momentin time, and we live in the same
city now.
So that means there's a chancethat you're going to see me out
with somebody else and I don'tthink you can handle that.
Y'all why this man said no, hecan't handle that and we need to
(20:55):
be exclusive.
We're going to be exclusive.
We're exclusive now and hehangs up the phone and I'm like
wait, what?
What is he joking?
He hangs up the phone andwouldn't answer.
So I'm like, huh, okay, andwait a minute.
So I go on about my day, try tofigure out what the heck
happened, and the next day Icalled him.
I was like listen, were youserious?
Like what was that, what wasthat?
Because back up I had beennoticing when we were, when I
would call and check on him, hewould say things like my love,
my sweet.
So you know, he was very likemy woman kind of thing and I'm
(21:19):
like, okay, whatever, you high.
So I called him back the nextday and I'm like, yo, what was
that?
What was that all about?
And so he goes into saying, youknow, he wants us to be back
together, blah, blah, and I'mlike, listen, okay, we can try
it, but we need to have a realtough conversation.
So we had a very long and toughconversation.
(21:40):
When I say long, it was liketwo and a half, almost three
hours because I was like, listen, we did not end on a good note
and there were some things inthis relationship before that
I'm not going to tolerate nowBecause, mind you, it has been
eight years since we had been acouple and I have gone through a
(22:00):
lot of stuff.
I had done a lot of growing, alot of changing.
You've been out of my life, youhave taught me how to live
without you, all of this stuff.
So I'm like I am not the sameTracy that you dated eight years
ago.
Bruh, I'm not the same, and sowe had this conversation.
He said what he wanted.
(22:23):
I said what I wanted, laid outan expectation.
Okay, great, so we're dating,we're having spending time
together because, now, you know,this is the first time we're in
the same city, so we wereliterally living 20 minutes away
from each other and so we werespending time together.
We were going out, we weretalking you know it was great.
(22:43):
You know it was great.
Um, we were making plans fortravel.
Um, we actually traveled for mybirthday, had an amazing trip.
He did some amazing things onmy birthday and I was just like
okay, this, this I like.
Well, remember, I said he hadhad surgery, so he was still
(23:06):
recovering from the surgery.
Life started happening again.
Another adversity comes up, sohe has to move back to Columbia.
Before he moves, I say listen,listen, we're going to be in a
long distance relationship, sowe need to be proactive, like
what's going to happen, how Ineed you to communicate with me,
because that was that's been mybiggest thing.
(23:27):
I don't ask for a lot.
I need you to communicate withme and I need you to spend time
with me.
Those are the two things that Iask in every relationship, be
truthful, communicate and spendtime with me.
So I'm expressing to him thisis what I am going to need
because, mind you, I've alreadylearned how to live without this
(23:50):
man and, even being back in arelationship, the things that I
had going on in my life at thetime they did not stop.
So fast forward to a?
Um.
When he moves right around May,I'm getting frustrated because
we're not spending time witheach other.
Um, the patterns started comingback from what I saw excuse me,
(24:12):
saw in our, our pastrelationship and I was like
listen, this is the same thing,it's the same pattern, I'm not
happy, I need this.
And I was.
I was really about to tap outthen because I was like no, no,
I don't deserve this.
Oh, and I forgot y'all.
I had him on a 90-day probation.
When we got back together, hedidn't know that.
(24:33):
If he's listening to this,which I doubt that he is, but if
he's listening, you were on a90-day probation, sir.
The 90 days ended my birthdayweekend.
I should have put you onsix-month probation, but the
nine days ended and I did thatbecause of our past relationship
(24:54):
.
I was very cautious, I was verystrategic and I also was talking
to my therapist about it, likeam I crazy for even wanting to
allow this man back into my lifein that way?
And I had a couple of friendsget upset with me because I
didn't tell them that we weredating.
But I had my reasons.
(25:15):
I had to figure it out.
I had to be certain that I didwant him back and what that
looked like Like had he reallychanged?
I knew I changed, but had hereally changed?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I had my reasons for it.
It was, it was all.
It was like I was protecting my, my, my space, my peace, my
mind and my heart, because Iremember what not protecting it
(25:35):
did and how devastated I was,and I refused to be devastated
again.
So I was very strategic in it.
But I was telling him in Maylike listen, I'm asking you for
this.
He had made a promise and hehad broken that, broken a.
Like listen, I'm asking you forthis.
He had made a promise, that hehad broken that promise to me
and I'm like, okay, here's thesame mess, here we go.
It's the same mess, and I amnot shy about expressing and
(26:00):
communicating what it is.
I want, need and expect, and Ialso compromise and I ask people
well, what is it that you wantfrom me or need from me?
Like, how can I make thisbetter on my end?
Relationships are reciprocal.
Okay, so we're having this talkand I was like, listen, I need
(26:21):
to talk to you about something.
I'm not happy.
This that X, y and Z.
I'm not happy in this situation.
This that X, y and Z.
I'm not happy in this situation.
And I was like well, what doyou want from me?
And he said I need you to bepatient with me.
And I said, okay, I have noproblem being patient, but I
need you to communicate with me.
I don't want to have to sitback and try to figure out
what's going on in your head,because at this point, our lives
(26:43):
are joined, like we're in arelationship.
So whatever happens with you isit's going to affect me some
kind of way.
Whatever happens with me isgoing to affect you.
I will communicate with you andlet you know like, hey, this is
, this is what it is.
So that was May and we're notspending any time together
because he's in Columbia, I'm inmy city, I'm in Charlotte.
Um, it's a lot of thingsfinancially that's happening
(27:06):
with him, but I'm sitting herewatching him do all of these
things for people in Columbia,but he's not spending time with
me, he's not answering the phone.
It's just the same pattern.
Now, do I think he was cheating?
I don't think he was cheating,but it was just the same pattern
.
Matter of of fact, I don't careif he was cheating or not,
because I already knew I had onefoot out the door and so we had
(27:31):
planned to um, go to um.
We were taking a trip for hisbirthday in November and so I
had made the plans, made thereservation, set it up real nice
, like VIP star treatment allthe way, because I knew he had
had a rough year and I was likeyou deserve this trip.
(27:51):
I really wanted him to have amoment of peace, tranquility or
whatever.
So trip is all set up.
Okay, we um.
We have an instance where he wassupposed to be here in
Charlotte and I was like okay,you're coming, just stop by my
job, come get the keys so youcan get in.
(28:13):
I'm not going to be home whenyou get there.
Blah, blah, blah.
I get off at a certain time.
He knows what time I get off.
So I'm basically kind ofhanging around my desk and in
the office.
So when he comes I will beready to go downstairs and give
(28:34):
him a key, do whatever.
Well, I'm getting off work.
I haven't heard from him.
Well, we have been textingthroughout the day so he was
updating me on what's going on.
The time that I get off work I'mliterally in my had, just
pulled into my garage and I geta text from him that says babe,
change of plans.
I'll.
(28:54):
I'll call you later and explain.
I text back.
I knew you weren't coming.
My gut instinct is never wrong.
That be Holy Spirit, all up inmy business all the time.
So my gut was telling me he'snot coming, he's not coming.
(29:15):
So I texted him.
I said I knew you weren'tcoming.
No response, and so I knew.
Then he got in his feelings.
I wasn't saying I knew youweren't coming in a malicious
way, I just knew.
And so this was on a Monday.
I don't hear from him Mondaynight.
So now, granted, I know he's inCharlotte and he's driving back
(29:36):
to Columbia.
I don't hear from him Mondaynight.
I don't hear from him Tuesdaymorning.
I don't hear from him all dayTuesday.
Tuesday night, I call straightto voicemail.
Text no response, facetimestraight to you know, no
response.
So Wednesday morning I get upand by this time I'm enraged
(29:57):
Because now I'm like okay, theonly way this is going to be
acceptable is if you are in ahospital, bedacitated, and you
can't respond to me.
But my gut was telling me he isignoring you because he is in
his feelings about what you said, that you knew he wasn't coming
.
So I text him and I say, hey,the least you could do is let me
(30:26):
know that you're okay, becausenow I'm worried about you.
I don't know if you're hurt, Idon't know what happened.
The last thing I hear is himsaying something happened.
He explains later.
So I said the least you can dois let me know you're okay.
And then I said and this waspetty, I admit it.
But then I said I give you asecond chance.
And this is what I get.
This is what I get, because atthis time I'm pissed.
(30:50):
I'm pissed and I'm hurt becauseyou're doing this again.
You literally begged me for thelast eight years to take you
back and then you're doing thesame thing again.
You really think I'm gonna sitand take it.
Let me calm down.
So I say you know, the leastyou can do is let me know that
you're okay.
You know, just let me know thatyou're okay.
(31:12):
So I don't hear from this manfor 48 hours.
But the thing that makes himtext me back is me saying I knew
.
No, I give you a second chance.
And this is what I get.
He responds to me braceyourself, sis, sit back and
brace yourself.
He responds to me I knew itwouldn't be long before you
(31:36):
threw it in my face and puts inquotation marks.
I gave you a second chance.
And then he says, for therecord, I I'm okay.
Have a wonderful day, nilko.
He didn't say Nilko, that's me,nilko, y'all.
(31:57):
I kid you not when I tell youmy blood started to boil and my
nose started to flare.
Whenever I am angry, my noseflares.
So I call him Straight tovoicemail, so I text him.
I said oh, so you're doing thison purpose.
So now you're being petty,you're okay, bet.
(32:20):
It was in that moment that Iknew this relationship is over,
because I'm not doing this, I'mnot doing this, I'm not doing
this.
I called my travel agent and Ileave her.
She wasn't in the office yet,because this is early in the
morning.
She wasn't in the office.
Yet I leave her a message and Isay take him off the
reservation.
I let my sister know what wasgoing on.
(32:42):
My sister was like you don'twant to think about it.
You want to change that?
No, for what?
Because, mind you y'all, I wasalready here.
I was already here.
It was.
I was just like trying to givehim the benefit of the doubt.
But this was the thing that didit.
Like I bet remember I'mstrategic I was already here and
I had already been talking tomy therapist about it, like I
(33:04):
well, actually I was telling mytherapist like I just need to
make it to November.
I just need to make it toNovember with him so we can go
on this trip.
Maybe that'll settle things.
The more I started thinkingabout, I'm like no, why would I
reward you for this behavior?
That's dumb.
So my travel agent calls meback and she was like I, you
(33:25):
don't have to tell me whathappened, but are you sure you
want to do this?
Do?
Do you want to wait a day?
No, take him off, take him offthe reservation.
So, took him off thereservation.
I'm still going on a trip, bythe way.
Hello, still going on a trip.
What was once his birthday tripis now my reset trip.
Okay, changed it around alittle bit because I had some
(33:47):
excursions scheduled for him,but now, no, it's spa days
anyway.
My travel agent was like okay,well, you know, I'm going to
send you an email, but once youtake him off, we can't add him
back at the second rate.
I said you ain't got to worryabout adding him, don't worry
about it, take off, baby girlsaved me $1,600.
(34:07):
Okay, anyway, I have not heardfrom him since and there is no
apology, there is no explanationas to what happened.
I feel like he is in hisfeelings and that pride is
getting in the and I'm notdealing with that anymore.
(34:29):
And so I am proud of myself forexiting stage left because,
even though I love him, I lovemyself more.
And one thing I said to him,because I fired off some text
messages.
I let him know, listen.
I said to him it appears thatyou want out of this
(34:53):
relationship and don't know howto say it, so I'm just going to
make this easier for you.
I'm taking you off thereservation for November.
I've taken you off thereservation.
He's supposed to go on thefamily cruise with me.
I've taken you off thereservation.
He was supposed to go on thefamily cruise with me.
I've taken you off thereservation for the family
cruise and I'm done.
(35:16):
And that was the last text Isent him and I meant it.
I meant it with my whole chestBecause I was not.
I promised myself I was notgoing to go play ring around the
Rosie with this.
We are adults.
This man is a grandfather.
If you can't communicate withthe woman that you proclaim that
you love.
And one thing I said to him inone of the text messages this is
(35:39):
not love, this is abuse, and Ideserve to be loved.
Well, and when I tell you, thepsychologist coach training came
up in me.
I was like, oh, I'm dealingwith an avoidant personality,
I'm dealing with an avoidantpersonality and I'm dealing with
somebody that is in arresteddevelopment.
Yes, arrested development was ashow and yes, arrested
(36:01):
development was a band, but it'sa psychological disorder for
real.
Look it up.
And when I realized that thisis what I was dealing with, I
said I'm not going to deal withit because he refuses to get
professional help.
(36:22):
And anytime you deal withsomebody that refuses to get
professional help, you're goingto have a fight on your hands
every single time.
And when a healed person,someone that is actively on a
healing journey and that hasbeen healed through some really,
really hard things, you're notgoing to put up with foolishness
(36:45):
and I am proud of myself forsticking to my guns and saying
no more.
It was seven months.
We had a good four, maybe five,but when I saw the pattern and
(37:08):
I give you an opportunity tocourse correct and you don't,
you're telling me everythingthat I need to know, everything
that I need to know.
You are happy and content inthe state that you're in and I
feel like Chrisette Michelle.
Right now she has a song calledBlame it On Me, say it's my
fault.
If that's what's going to makeyou feel better, blame it on me.
(37:28):
But you and I and the Lordabove know the truth.
And again, I wish him the best.
But he is the first and a highprobability that he will be the
last ex that I will reunite with.
(37:49):
And so now I'm single again.
I'm back on the prowl.
No, not really.
I am dating.
I am enjoying myself, but I amalso reminding myself that I
(38:09):
deserve to be loved well, and soI say this to anyone that is
listening, that is in arelationship or seeking a
relationship.
You deserve to be loved well.
Define what being loved wellmeans to you, and I'm not
talking about material stuff.
Y'all better start looking atthese people's characters and
integrity, like the first thing.
(38:30):
I'm asking people now hey, youlove Jesus, you got a
relationship with Jesus.
You go to therapy?
How long you been in therapy?
Where was your last physicalsir?
So I'm just saying, where wasyour last physical sir?
So I'm just saying you know,it's just certain things that I,
when I was younger, I wanted,like I wanted them to be six
over six feet tall, and it'sfunny that still I'm attracted
(38:52):
to that.
But then guys with some heighton them are attracted to me.
I guess it's because I'm shortand they feel like I need to be
protected.
I don't know, but it's more forme, more now for me, like, what
is your character, like what isyour integrity?
Yes, finances are important,because right now you got to
(39:14):
match my level.
We got to at least match.
I want to be with someone that Ican learn from and also teach
and also learn with and growwith.
I want to be with someone wholoves God and has a relationship
with God, because you got to beable to pray for me.
You got to be able to catch mein the spirit, and what that
(39:36):
means is you know, I don't careif we 100 miles away from each
other.
No, I don't care if we 100miles away from each other.
You know just by the tone of myvoice or you're praying and God
shows you something.
You know that something is off.
You know how I know that that'sa possibility Because I have
girlfriends that are like that.
I have guy friends that arelike hey T, you came across my
(39:59):
mind.
You good, I want that in a mate.
I want somebody that's got apassport.
We're going to travel.
I don't want to have to pullteeth to get you to go on an
international trip with mebecause you hear about travel
advisory and now you, scared,the United States got a travel
(40:21):
advisory.
If you don't get on this plane,come on.
But I feel like love has momentswith ease, because I look at
love through the bible's lens.
Love is patient, loving, loveis kind, love never fails, love
never boasts.
And I need somebody whocommunicates, be emotionally
(40:44):
intelligent.
I don't want to have to sit andlike we can have kiki and laugh
all the time, but when it'stime to have serious
conversations, I don't want tohave to basically hit you over
the head and crack your brainopen to figure out what's going
on with you.
So, anyway, this dating scene isstill a little funny, but I'm
(41:12):
back out there because I trulybelieve that the one that God
has for me will find me, we willfind each other, has for me
will find me, we will find eachother.
And I feel like it will be notas hard as it has been in the
(41:32):
past because I'm not looking atmy own understanding and devices
.
Now, one thing I have prayedlike God when you bring them,
when you bring them, let me bereceptive to them, because my
friends don't call me the lunchlady for no reason.
I'm just saying they don't callme the lunch lady for no reason
, but I just wanted to sharethat.
(41:56):
Um, hopefully it encouragessomeone because, being a woman
in your 40s, you know I've neverbeen married and that's not for
, not for lack of trying.
You know I've been engaged twice.
Yeah, I've been engaged twiceand both times I was like uh-uh,
because I look at marriage as Iam not just making a covenant,
(42:25):
a promise to the one that Imarry, but I'm standing before
God and making a promise to himto spend my life with this
person.
I want my marriage to be notonly a fabulous wedding but a
fabulous marriage, and I knowthat it's possible because I'm
around people who have goodmarriages and I know that they
(42:47):
deal with some things you know,but that one thing that they're
going to do is they're going tosit down at a table and iron it
out.
They're going to talk it out,they're going to work it out.
So I know that it's possibleand I'm just getting to the
point where I'm starting tobelieve that it's possible for
me.
But one thing that I am so proudof myself for is being able to
(43:10):
articulate what it is that Iwant and also saying well, god,
this is the desire of my heart,this is the the desire of my
heart.
But if I'm missing something inthis desire, show it to me,
reveal it to me, help me to seekthat, because, first things
(43:30):
first, I want to please God.
I want him to be pleased withmy relationship.
So, double x, wherever you are,I hope and I pray that you find
what you're looking for andyou're able to receive it.
(43:51):
I pray the best over you.
I pray god's best over you andthat you get some help, bro.
Get some help, because ain'tnothing worse than a broken man
(44:13):
or a broken woman?
Because that brokenness spillsover into every aspect of your
life, into every aspect of yourlife.
Ask me how I know.
I've been there, done that.
So now when I'm evaluating mylife, I'm looking at the piece
that's broken, because that'sthe thing.
It's like having a glass ofwater and the bottom of that
(44:37):
glass cracks.
And now you got a crack andit's not going to hold water at
all.
You keep pouring and pouring,and pouring, and pouring and
pouring, and the more you pour,the more water you lose.
I can't lose any more of my oil.
So that's season eight, thestart of season eight.
(44:59):
Y'all now I'm not saying thatI'm out here single and dating
because I'm, you know, I wanty'all to be like all up in my
DMs and stuff.
It happens enough as it is.
Y'all I get some veryinteresting DMs, I get
approached by some veryinteresting guys.
So, yeah, I'm not asking to beset up or anything like that,
(45:24):
because nine times out of teny'all going to get it wrong,
like my friends have tried toset me up with other guys before
and I'm like now what made youthink that we were going to be
compatible?
Help me understand.
Are you just trying to get memarried off?
Yeah, that ain't going to work.
That ain't going to work.
I need you to be a little bitmore more specific in the area.
(45:45):
But yeah, I'm not asking to beset up.
I'm doing okay.
I'm doing okay.
But I am enjoying dating and Iknow it's cuffing season.
So you know, some of these guysare out here like, yeah, she,
you know she kind of got ittogether.
Let me go on a touch to her.
No, no, no, no, sir, becausewhen I tell you the discernment
is on point, it's on point.
But I will say there's a littletender brony that got the dude
(46:09):
that was old.
But yeah, there's a littletender brony that I've been
looking at.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's nice.
So I'm just, I'm just sayingjust saying, keep it classy,
keep it holy.
But yeah, y'all, if you areover in your 40s, shoot, even in
(46:30):
your 30s child, it's crazy.
But if you are out here dating,be sure that you have done the
work within yourself before youtry to connect with somebody
else.
Be clear on what it is that youwant in a mate and be clear on
what it is, on how you are as amate.
It goes both ways.
You do the work on you and makesure that you can see the work
(46:51):
that has been done in somebodyelse.
We're at a point where you knowall of us have had something
happen in our lives.
It's not what has happened toyou, it's how you react to what
has happened to you.
Trauma is real.
Trauma is real and it can stopyou dead in your tracks and when
(47:11):
you try to get with somebodywho's not going to do the work
within themselves, you areasking for trouble, trouble,
trouble, trouble, trouble.
Don't do that to yourself.
Protect your neck.
Trouble, trouble, trouble,trouble.
Don't do this to yourself.
Protect your neck.
(47:32):
Well, y'all.
That is it for this episode ofthe charging station.
So I hope that you enjoyed thisepisode.
I hope that something was saidthat will bless you, that will
help you in your dating life.
You know what?
I think I'm going to findsomebody who is a dating expert.
Ooh, I just thought of somebody.
I'm going to email her today.
I think I'm going to bring heron to be a guest on the podcast.
I hope she says yes, but untilnext time.
Y'all remember, god loves you,I love you.
(47:54):
It ain't nothing you can doabout it.
Boo Bye.
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