February 20, 2025 • 47 mins
What if your brokenness isn’t something to hide—but the very thing God wants to use to bring healing to others?
In this powerful episode, we dive into what it looks like to embrace your imperfections, confront shame, and find beauty and purpose in the very places you thought disqualified you. So many women feel pressure to hold it all together—especially in Christian spaces—but what if the most powerful thing you could do is be honest about your pain? Toni Collier shares how living authentically and vulnerably can lead to deep healing and freedom, reminding us that our brokenness isn’t a liability, but a canvas for God’s grace. Whether you’ve been through heartbreak, trauma, or just feel like a mess—this conversation will speak directly to your soul.
Meet Toni Collier
Toni Collier is the founder of Broken Crayons Still Color, an international women’s ministry that helps women process pain and reclaim hope. She’s a speaker, host, consultant, and author of Brave Enough to Be Broken, known for her raw, honest approach to healing. Toni has worked with organizations like North Point Community Church, TBN, IF Gathering, and Chick-fil-A. She’s passionate about showing others that you can be both broken and worthy, and still live a vibrant, purposeful life.
In This Episode, You’ll Learn:
- Why pretending to be perfect is exhausting—and unnecessary
- The power of confronting shame and how to begin healing
- How Toni’s darkest seasons led to her greatest ministry
- Why being broken doesn’t disqualify you from God’s call
- How to create safe spaces for vulnerability and connection
How This Episode Will Encourage You
This episode will remind you that you’re not alone—and that your story still matters. If you’ve ever felt like your mess disqualifies you, Toni’s words will breathe fresh hope into your spirit. You’ll be encouraged to stop striving for perfection and start trusting that God is already at work in your story.
🎧 Listen & Subscribe Don’t miss any new episodes! Subscribe to The Collide Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music or wherever you listen.
Go Ahead Bible Study – Discover how to encounter the Divine in your everyday life with this empowering Bible study for women.
Collide Women’s Conference – Join us for a one-day event filled with inspiration, connection, and encouragement to help you pursue healing, purpose, and faith.
Connect with Toni Collier: Website | Facebook | Instagram | Books
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:13):
Hey, friends. So glad that youhopped on again this week to hear
another amazing interview withsomeone that God is doing amazing
things in their lives. I amWillow Weston. If you're new to this
podcast, I'm the founder anddirector of Collide, which is a women's
ministry. We're a nonprofitlocated in the Pacific Northwest,
(00:36):
but trying to reach and impactlives all over the nation. And we
have so many ways that we dothat. And one of my favorite ways
is this podcast. I love that Iget to sit down with people who share
stories of God showing up anddoing beautiful things in the brokenness
(01:00):
and doing powerful things inthe mess. And today I got to sit
down with someone who is andhas experienced just that. Tony Collier
is a HOPE coach. He's theauthor of Brave Enough to Be Broken
and the founder of BrokenCrayons Still Color, which is an
international women's ministrythat helps women process their brokenness
(01:22):
and reclaim hope. She's apopular speaker and consultant and
helps organizations and isjust plain fun and passionate. You'll
hear her talking about foodblogging, twerking, her own powerful
story of how Jesus showed upand collided with her in her brokenness.
So take a listen, Toni. I'vealready had so much fun offline with
(01:50):
you that I almost feel badthat people couldn't listen in on
you sharing about just likeyour crazy daily life. You're coming
in hot from Atlanta, right?
That's right, baby. Atlanta.But I'm from Texas though. Don't
get it twisted.
You know, very differentplaces. I feel like you're a big
city girl. I mean, I'm in thislike mid size Pacific northwest town,
(02:13):
like 80 to 100,000 people. Andyou're like, in Atlanta.
That's right.
Come on. Do you do for fun in Atlanta?
I eat. Okay, here's what Isay. Here's what I say all the time.
If ministry doesn't work out,if I get canceled, if I am found
twerking somewhere, you justnever know. Okay, I'm going food
(02:35):
blogger. Okay? I have a wholestrategy, I have a plan, I have a
way out. You know what I'msaying? But I just love great food
experiences and I love toshare it with my friends. I have
good eats lists for like everycity I've ever visited. It's my thing.
So I eat working while foodblogging. That's you can like.
I'm just saying I'll have thefreedom to do it if things go awry
(02:57):
with ministry.
Okay, well, we'll all getcanceled at One point or another,
you were just sharing with mejust this crazy season of life you're
in. You just came off ofhaving a kiddo, and you're kind of
coming back from maternityleave. How does that feel to kind
of come back into the crazyhustle of juggling and all of that?
(03:19):
All the things. It literallyfeels like I'm flying a plane while
building it.
That's what it feels like.It's piece by piece, wing by wing,
like sea by sea. It quitehonestly feels like I'm just doing
all the things at one time.And what's crazy but also exhilarating
about that is that I know thatI can't do it by myself. So it's
(03:43):
got to be the Lord, okay?Like, every day I'm waking up. I'm
dependent on him foreverything, even small things, like
going to get coffee and put mykid in the freaking car seat and
hoping that he strapped incorrectly, you know? And so it's.
It's exhilarating. But I thinkit's a. It's like a selfless, refining
faith building season. And I'mexcited about it because I think
(04:04):
that's kind of where God doeshis best work. I'm like, y' all are
gonna get 20% of Tony rightnow and 80% of him, and so it's just
gonna be better, you know?
I love that so much. I wassharing with you offline. It's such
a crazy season when you justhave a kid. And I remember sort of
looking at other women, andthey look like they are nailing it.
(04:28):
And I was having all of this,like, I don't know what I'm doing.
And that sort of made mespiral into, like, I don't have a
family legacy of anyone I canlook to as a mentor to go, oh, this
is how I should be, Mom.
Momming.
And this is a healthy mom, andthis is what it looks like to invest
(04:51):
in my kids. And I. I was like,I am freaking out. Like, this isn't
easy. And then you see yourfriends, and they're just like. You
know, they've got it allnailed down. Like, they can change
a diaper with one hand. Theycan walk breastfeed. They can work
outside the home and workinside the home. I mean, they're
just, like, nailing it.
It's kind of weird thingsgoing on.
(05:11):
Do you think they're reallynailing it or not opening up about
how they're not nailing it?And. Or do you think some of us just
are, like, failing?
Failing and Failing, failingand failing. No, I. Well, first and
foremost, I always have toguard myself from the comparison
trap. Sandra Stanley, one ofour mentors and pastors, she has
(05:35):
this devotional. She talksabout the comparison trap, and it
is a thing. Like it is. Ourbrains are ruminating around comparison
all the time. And so I thinkit starts with that, with the foundation
of. In the present, of how amI doing compared to someone else.
However, I think when Paulwrote to the church in Corinth and
(05:58):
he said that God's grace issufficient for us, he spoke in this
very intimate way. He said,the Lord said to me, paul, my grace
is sufficient for you. And hecould have really written that in
all the different ways hecould have spoken to the church of
Corinth very generally, like,hey, guys, just a reminder, God's
grace is sufficient. But Ithink that Paul wrote it in that
(06:20):
way, very personal, veryspecific, because I think he needed
us to know that there is agrace, and it is specifically assigned
to us, that we don't have tolook to our left and right and compare
ourselves and to compare ourstories, because God's got a grace,
and it's sufficient for ourratchetness, our inability to change
a diaper with one hand, ourstories. And so when I think when
(06:44):
you start doing that, ithelps, but I don't think it takes
it all away. I think we'restill going to naturally drift to
that. There's a girl on mytimeline. I really want to say, like,
her whole name because she hasthe most beautiful page, but I want
to call her out, but she justhad a baby, literally same time as
me, and she's been on thebeach, and I'm just like, at one
point, I was like, surelyshe's not breastfeeding. Like, surely,
you know, like, she's maybeformula feeding. This is why it's
(07:07):
so much easier for her. Andthen the next day, she's, like, left
my breast pump. I was like,oh, freak, what's going on? And it
just reminded me that, youknow, it's our highlight reels on
social media when you don'tknow someone intimately and deeply,
and I don't know this girl atall intimate, intimately and deeply.
It robs us of the totality ofother stories, and it robs us of
(07:30):
embracing our full story aswell. And so I just think it's just
this weird cycle, thiscomparison trap cycle that we're
in, and we just got to becareful and mindful of, you.
Know, so you're coming out ofyour. Your maternity leave Jumping
back into vocational ministrystuff. You're the founder of Broken
(07:52):
Crayons, still color. Can youkind of invite us into how this ministry
came to be?
Okay, girl, long story short,I'm trying to make it short. Okay,
we got time, Tony. We gottime. Okay? We good? We good? We're
good. Okay, we're at the.We're at the coffee table, girls.
All right? We're on the couchright now talking about all the things.
I got my coffee, you got yourcoffee. I. My little mug over here.
(08:15):
I mean, we're doing our thing,you know? You know, Broken Crayons
came out of brokenness, like.And much like many of our purpose
driven goals and projects,like, it typically comes from a place
that's real intimate and realpersonal to the founder, the owner.
And for me, it was that I wasprocessing through divorce with a
(08:37):
really toxic marriage with aone year old. I was broke, okay?
We were on WIC and food stampsand all kinds of financial assistance.
I was transitioning from areally spiritually manipulative church
or a church leader. And it wasjust one of those seasons where it
was just dumb. Like everythingwas broken. Like it just was ratchet
all the way around. And Ifound myself cleaning up all these
(09:02):
crowns that my daughter hadrobbed of their dignity. She just
ripped them apart, taking alltheir little clothes off. They were
naked. It was crazy. I'msitting in the middle of my living
room floor and I'm just like,this is my life. Like, this is what
it feels like. Everything isbroken. I've been stripped of all
my dignity. I don't feel likeI can ever do ministry again. At
(09:23):
that point, I was working at achurch as a youth pastor and it just
really sucked. I was like,dang, everything has just fallen
apart from the top to thebottom. And I remember I was speaking
at a middle school every week.And I had my last time speaking there
before I went on a break andessentially said, I don't even think
(09:43):
ministries for me anymore. AndI was like, what am I about to tell
these 200 middle schoolers?Like, I. Everything's falling apart.
Like, what am I about topreach to these babies? And I go
upstairs, put my daughter tobed, and I'm scrolling on instagraasy
and I just roll across thisquote, broken crown, still color.
And I was like, I'm gonnapreach about that. And it was all
(10:03):
God. And honestly, I criedthrough half the message. And these
13 year olds were probablylike, ma' am, you need to go home.
Okay? But it was one of The.It was one most powerful messages
I'd ever preached because Ijust talked about how you can be
broken but still standing on astage and not broken in like an unhealthy,
toxic way, which is a wholeanother conversation. Hello, somebody.
Because we've seen all thesepastors fall, but we will just save
(10:26):
that for another conversation,but in a way that says your weaknesses,
don't discount you from thepower of God and what he actually
genuinely wants to do in yourlife if you can surrender to him.
And so I just started doingthis message. I. I ended up bouncing
back in ministry and gettingsome healing, going to counseling,
(10:47):
and. And that was the messageI did. And then someone said, you
need to start, like, a thing.And I started a thing and I started
a blog because that's. I feellike that's how we always start,
because we don't know whatelse to do. Started this blog.
Things to say, everybody.
I got something to say. Iwon't say it. And so I started this
blog, recruited these teammembers, and then we started creating
resources for women to processthrough brokenness, to find healing
(11:10):
courses, devotionals. And soit's been cool. It's been cool watching
women heal and helping them dothat through this organization.
I'm tracking with you so much.It sounds so similar to the story
of collide, and I won't gointo it too much, but to give you
a sense, a little bit of whyI'm tracking so much. I was at my
(11:33):
house one day, my mom showedup. I just had my baby, and I hadn't
lived with my mom since I was15 years old. And here she was, like,
in my late 20s, showing up inmy town, moved to town to be a grandma
and knocked on my door, and Iwent to go answer the door, didn't
know who's at the door. And I,like, reverted back to a child who
was wounded by her, and I wentand hid in the closet with my baby.
(11:57):
I end up in counseling becausethe Lord was like, you need to step
out of this closet and gethealing. I show up at this counseling
office and have this crazyspiritual epiphany that had very
little to do with thecounselor. That ended up being the
concept wounded collision,which birthed collide this ministry.
(12:17):
But the next week after I washiding in that closet, this one girl
asked me to mentor her. And Iwas just like, how can I help you?
Like, in the same way thatyou're like, what can I say to middle
school students? Like, how canI be someone who could help this
College age girl when I am,like, literally hiding in closets
with my baby because mychildhood wounds still need to be
(12:39):
healed. And God took that girland my investment in her turned into
25 girls meeting in my livingroom, which turned into what is now
collide. Right. And so why I'mbringing that up is because I think
there's women listening toyour story and they're listening
to my story, and they're inthat situation space. They're in
(13:00):
that space where everything'sfalling apart and they feel brokenhearted
and broke and their. Theirlife's a mess and they're going through
a divorce like you. Or theyfeel like they need so much healing
and they're hiding and runningfrom the person who wounded them,
whatever their story is. Andthey're thinking, not me. Like, God's
not going to use me to doanything because I'm a mess.
(13:23):
Yeah.
What is it that you feel likeis so striking about the idea that
that's exactly who God uses?
Oh, man, I, It. It honestlygives me the chills. I don't know.
Like, I know this is my life'scalling to remind people that their
brokenness doesn't discountthem. Because every time I talk about
it, every time I get askedthat type of question, it. I, like,
(13:44):
I don't know, I just startgetting all tangly inside. That's
the holy tingle comes in, youknow. Holy tingle. It's the holy
tingle is what I call it. Ijust, I go back to Paul when he says,
you know, that God is sayingto us, his power is made perfect
in his weakness in 2ndCorinthians 12, 9. It's like quite
(14:05):
literally the opposite of whatour world has taught us. You know,
our world has taught us thatit is perfection that gets us to
success when really it'ssurrender. And we've, We've strived,
man, we have tried so hard todo it all ourselves when we started
serve and have access to a Godwho does his best work in the valleys,
(14:26):
his best work in the brokenplaces. And he literally says that,
like, boast all the moregladly about your weaknesses so that
my power will rest on you.It's like he's the player in our
lives on the sidelines of thefield saying, put me in, put me in.
Tag me. I've got some powerfor your weakness. I want to help,
to restore and redeem. He justsays his best work. There's. And
(14:49):
I think, like, I think whathas happened over time is that either
we've grown up, so there maybe Someone listening. That's like,
I grew up in this church thattold me about this big mean God and
I think he's the God at theend of the tunnel saying, get your
stuff together and then I'llbe there when you're ready. Either.
It's either that and we justdon't trust that there's a good God
(15:11):
that wants to use us andactually see us in our, in our mess.
And a Jesus that comes for usor our wounds won't allow us to access
his power because we've gotdeeply rooted insecurity that says,
well, I gotta fend for myself.We've got some childhood wounds as
you were talking about, thatsays, well, I'm unsafe and unprotected
(15:32):
because my earthly parents andcommunity didn't care for me, didn't
tend to me. And so no waythere's a God, an unseen God that
will do that for me. It couldeven be our idols. There's some people
listening right now that youjust got idols in the way that it
feels better to numb with anaddiction, it feels better to numb
with alcohol and drugs and menand all the other things than it
(15:53):
is to be still and wait on theLord. And I think that the enemy
has put those barriers inplace from shame to wounds, to pride,
to insecurity, to idols tokeep us from the access of the real
power of God right in themiddle of our message. And that just
gets me fired up.
(16:14):
We talk so much around hereabout collisions with Jesus and as
you're talking, I'm thinkingabout the collision where Jesus runs
into the woman at the well. Hegoes out of his way to meet her.
They have this amazing banterwhich I don't have time to talk about
right now, but at the end ofthis life changing collision for
her, she changed so much so bythe presence of Jesus. Come on, she
(16:39):
runs, right? She runs to hervillage and she says, come and see
a man who told me everything Iever did. Her village comes and they
collide with Jesus and theirlives are changed. I'm bringing up
that question that, thatcollision to you because it wasn't
like a 10 year period. She hada transformative collision with Jesus
(16:59):
and then she went and changedher village. And I think there's
this sort of like, oh, mylife. I have to sweep this all up.
It has to get all cleaned up.I have to be like 10 years out of
having a divorce. I have to,you know, have new crayons. Not broken.
No, I gotta have it alltogether before God's Gonna use me
(17:20):
to do something amazing in theworld. And yet we see quite the opposite
when we look at scripture. Imean, look at you. You're living
proof of God. Met you in themess, and he's using you there, too.
I mean, you hopped on todayand told me offline, like, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Like, just comingback from maternity, things are crazy,
(17:41):
you know, and using you there.
Yeah.
What is your advice for womenwho are in that place that you were
in that day that you foundyour daughter's, and they're just
feeling like, is there achapter that's good that comes after
this chapter?
Mm. That's so good. I think myfirst piece of advice is awareness.
(18:10):
And that's not the sexiest,you know, answer, but it is the first
step, I think, in what I wouldcall our healing journey. Because
I think our healing journeycollides. Hello, somebody. With our
holiness journey. I really dobelieve that. I believe that when
we are pursuing Jesus and weare trying our best to become more
(18:34):
like him, which is more holy,I think that the best way to go about
it is when we allow it tocollide with our healing. And I think
healing starts with ourawareness. When I look back over
my life in that moment, I hadto become aware that there were barriers
that kept me from a life ofwholeness and a beautiful life with
(18:56):
God. And not barriers that Icould just sweep up, but barriers
that I needed to bring to him,that he just wanted me to lay at
his feet, not, oh, go get itall cleaned up, girl. Like, go take
the time. Go do counseling.No, he really just simply wanted
me to just bring it to him.And I just didn't trust him. I didn't
(19:17):
trust him because I wasn'taware of the barriers. I wasn't aware
that when I was sexuallymanipulated and abused when I was
young, when I. When my mom hada massive stroke and I started taking
care of my mom at 8 years oldand driving her to doctor's appointments
at 12 years old and lost myvirginity at 13, I wasn't aware that
all of that was keeping mefrom surrendering to God. And when
(19:42):
I became aware, like, oh,goodness. Like, the reason why I
probably got in an abusiverelationship was because my dad used
to curse me out. Okay. And mydad was really verbally abusive.
And then I had family membersthat was sexually abusive. And I
had a man that entered into mylife that was sexually abusive. And
I just. I wasn't aware that Ihad all of that baggage that kept
(20:03):
me from the promises of God.And it was in that moment, in the
moment of awareness that Isaid, man, I've got some wounds and
they need to turn into adultscars because they're never going
to leave my story. It was inthat moment when I was like, oh,
all I need to do is surrenderthis at the feet of Jesus and he
(20:25):
is going to take me on ajourney of healing and wholeness
and holiness. And that journeyisn't just going to be, oh, let me
hide you, but actually hewants to, like, flaunt me. He wants
to say, look at my daughterand who I'm well pleased with, her
divorce, with her abusivepast, with her addictions. Look at
(20:46):
her, look at what I'm doingthrough her. And so awareness is
just key for me. I think thatwhen we look at our women's course,
Step two, the Module two, it'sthe hardest for women because it's
story mapping. When they goback and look at their story and
become aware of everythingthat's been holding them back from
wholeness and holiness, itunlocks something unimaginable. And
(21:09):
I just, I think we gotta startthere. That's what I think.
We believe that God hassomething special in store for your
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or wishing that God could dosomething big with your life but
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(21:31):
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(22:39):
Yeah, go backward to goforward, right? You need to invite
God to go back to thosehurtful spaces and places so that
you can move forward. I thinkwhat's so incredible about this story
is that you not only becameaware of the barriers and started
inviting and surrenderingthose to Jesus so he could heal you,
(23:02):
knock them out of the way. Butnow you're helping other women do
that. You just mentioned thatyou have. You also wrote brave enough
to be broken, and I'd love foryou to share why you believe and
define bravery as being realabout our brokenness.
Man, here's the truth. Itdon't take a lot of courage to be
perfect, right? Like, when Ithink about, like, some of my friends,
(23:24):
and we all kind of have thatone friend that's like, I mean, she's
not perfect because we're.None of us are perfect. But. But,
dang it, she's just soamazing, you know? Like the. Just
one of the kindest, happiestgirls. It's like Susan that always
brings the best charcuterie tothe party. It's like, why are you
so freaking nice? Why are youa Teletubby mommy?
Looks like roses.
And I'm like, oh, really?Okay, so you're. You're. Yeah. Okay.
(23:46):
She's got, like, pomegranatethat she's, like, divided up. I mean,
all the things. You know, itis pretty easy to love that type
of person, right? Like, tolove that person that just shows
up. That's so kind all thetime. It is what it is. But when
you can bring some of themessiest, craziest, raw, foul parts
(24:07):
of you and someone looks youin the eye and says, you're still
worthy of love and belongingto, like, man, that's when it counts.
Like, that's when it reallycounts. And the truth is, it's hard
to bring that stuff. It iseasy for us to use our filters because
Lord knows I be using themfilters on Instagram. It's easy for
us to want to draw oureyebrows on so they look like sisters,
(24:29):
not cousins. You know what I'msaying? Just to get them real nice
and even. But it's hard to say1. As a woman, I have an addiction,
and I've stepped out of mymarriage or I yelled at my kids.
It's so difficult to do thatthat it requires bravery to say,
(24:54):
these are the things thatbreak me. But when we do that in
the presence of God and safecommunity and someone looks back
at us and says, okay, and Ilove you the same. The healing starts
there. And so that's what thisbook is about that I've just written.
(25:14):
Like, brave enough to bebroken. Like, how to embrace your
pain so you can find hope andhealing. Because I actually believe
that in order to find hope andhealing, you gotta go through some
stuff. You have to embrace thepain. And we don't want to do that.
That's the awareness piece. Wedon't want to go back. We don't want
(25:36):
to look at what's been done tous. We want to push that thing right
under the rug and we want tokeep it moving. But when we embrace
it, man, what a refining buthope filled process. And that's it,
that's the message.
Yeah, I feel like we fastforward brokenness to try to get
to wholeness, but that stuffdoesn't go anywhere. It's like we're
(25:57):
sweeping it under the rug.We're trying to pretend it's, it's
gone, it's in the past, it'sin a rearview mirror. But yeah, if
we don't stand in the presenceof Jesus and really have him go backwards
with us and deal with ourstuff, like it doesn't go anywhere.
I'm kind of curious where youthink we're getting it wrong in Christian
community, because I think ina lot of ways we are. I mean, you're
(26:18):
talking about the importanceof being brave enough to be broken
with other people. And there'ssomething powerful when you can be.
How can we create spaces wherewomen can be brave enough to be broken?
And how are we ruining those spaces?
Listen, first and foremost,I'm trying not to bring the church
(26:42):
into this. Okay, the littlesea church. But I do think there's
something to be said aboutchurch history and the way that we
fashion church. I think therewas a church that was for the saints.
It was like, bring all thenice Christian people inside, keep
all the ratchet other peopleoutside. We're going to protect the
(27:03):
saints. And we just got to beperfect. And for many of us who grew
up in that. I grew upCatholic, then my mom was Baptist,
and then, I mean, I got allthe denominations. I kind of went
to a charismatic church. ThenI went to North Point, which is not
charismatic. Okay. Under AndyStanley. And now we have a church
of our own that's kind of amelting pot of all of it. But the
(27:24):
consistent thing I hear from alot of people is I grew up in a church
that said I had to be perfect.And if I, if I didn't, I would probably
go to hell. God would probablybe so mad at me if I did this. The
purity culture, I mean, allthe things then. So I think that
was our first mistake. I thinkour second mistake was we kind of
swung the pendulum back alittle too hard and we said, come
(27:46):
as you are, come on, we'lljust take you. Because we were just
so mad that we had to beperfect that then we said, it don't
even matter. You can go to theclub, you can twerk, can do all.
You can have an addiction. Youcan drink a lot of it. It's like,
okay, well, no, we need tojust be calm about the drinking.
But we swung the pendulum somuch, and I think it robbed us of
(28:06):
our ability to live in thegray, to live in the area that says,
yes, we're imperfect and thatis where our humility comes from.
But also, we have access to somany resources to help us to be healed
and whole people that we canhave confidence in that we can have
confidence in Jesus to helpget us. But we have to do our work,
(28:30):
though. And I look at mygeneration, I'm like a young millennial,
I guess she was. I'm 31, and Ilook at all these, you know, Gen
Z, and it's like, we gotta doour work. Like, this is not easy.
The healing process is notlinear, and it's extremely painful.
But it's worth it because Ibelieve that God has not called us
(28:51):
just to be Bible thumping. Iknow every scripture because we got
Bible thumping. I know everyscripture. People, that's just mean.
They just mean it's okay. Now.You know every bit of the Bible,
but you don't know how totreat people. And you probably don't
know how to treat peoplebecause you got some wounds that
you need to heal. I think thatcomes from us being able to just
ride the messy middle, toswing in the pendulum right in the
(29:14):
middle and to find a spacethat says, and I think it's what
we can do as Christian leadersthat says, come with your mess. We
will be with you in thevalleys, but we're not going to leave
you there. You're not about tostay in the valleys. There is going
to come a moment where you'regoing to say, oh, man. Anxiety has
not held me back as much as itused to. I'm not having as many suicidal
(29:36):
thoughts and ideation as Iused to. Depression has not gripped
me for days. I got my appetiteback. I'm not addicted to this anymore.
I can claw my way out becauseI have accountability and people
and I put the things that Ineed to put in place. And there may
be another valley in thefuture, but I won't get caught there
(29:57):
either. And we just got tostart just. It's. It's like the pendulum.
It's like it's not one thing,you know, it's just like the gray.
It's the gray area we got toget better at the gray.
Yeah. It's. We have a veryhard time sitting in people's pain.
We. We want to fast forwardtheir brokenness and get them to
wholeness. Right. So we'relike, let me just dose out some prescriptions
(30:19):
for you, some answers, some bscriptures, and pray over you, and
then we want you to be better.And by creating safe spaces for people
to be honest, that they're ona journey, they're in a process,
and they're not.
Yeah.
In a great place.
Yep. 100.
I feel like we're not passingout permission slips for people to
(30:41):
be honest about theirbrokenness because we just want them
to be whole so we don't haveto deal with them.
Dang. I. Okay. Yes. All right.I do think that that is.
That.
That is one part. We don'thave to deal with it, but it's. But
I think it's hard, man. Like,it's difficult for us to sit with
(31:02):
people in. In Valleys. And thetruth is, we also have to be mindful
that we're not trying to bepeople's holy spirit. Right? Like,
that we're not trying to playGod's role, but also that we're tethered
enough to people to be, as AnnVoskamp says, Jesus with skin onto
them and walk with themthrough the process and the journey.
(31:26):
But that starts with us doingour own work, right? Like, doing
our own work and then beingable to help people through theirs.
And then boundaries. I mean,good Lord, we could go so many ways
with this conversation andhave our own boundaries, boundaries
that are strong enough to keepthe bad stuff out and permeable enough
to let the good stuff in. It'sjust. It's always this kind of give
and take.
(31:46):
You know, let's talk about youbeing called a hope coach. Hey, you
are passionate about, like,sending shame packing and instilling
hope in women. How are youseeing women losing hope? And what
do you want to instill backinto them?
(32:06):
Yeah, I can't. One of my. Sowhen we. When we first did our women's
course, which is called theHopeful woman course, there was a
woman that was like, you'relike, my own personal hope coach.
And I was like, ooh, I likethat. And I was like, I'm adopting
that thing. And she said,because. And she said, it's not Tony
because you are ignorant oryou don't embrace the darkness, and
(32:33):
you're not in the brokennesswith us, but it's because the way
that God has fashioned you,you Always see a way out. And I love
it. Made me feel so good forher to say that. Because I never
want to be the person that'sdismissive. I never want to be the
Teletubby girl that's justlike, yay, everything's so good.
Because I was her. I was herthat said, oh, I'm not going to tell
(32:57):
anybody about our brokenmarriage and the doors ripped off
the hinges and the holespunched in the walls and the stack
of plates that's been punchedthrough. I'm just going to get on
stage, act like everything'sjust fine, and post on social media
and keep it moving. I was thatgirl that was like, that had fake
hope and fake peace. And thenI said, no, this doesn't work. Like,
(33:20):
I want authentic, real hope.And I believe that authentic, real
hope comes from doing yourwork, comes from digging deep into
the places that wounded you.When we think about trauma on. I
mean, when we think abouttrauma, it has layers to it. Some
of us have healed our traumasspiritually. And that's amazing.
(33:41):
We've said, oh, man, no, I'mnot alone. I am actually protected.
Psalm 91 says that God sendsangel armies to be around us and
he'll fend off all harm. He'llgive us a long drink of salvation.
It's like, boom. That's thespiritual level of trauma. But then
there's also the psychologicallevel of trauma for you to start
actually thinking differentlyand feeling differently. But then
(34:01):
there's also a cellular levelof trauma where trauma has gotten
in your body that only comeswith trauma treatment. Emdr. There's
work to be done, especiallyfor those of us that have experienced,
you know, lots of traumathroughout their entire life. There's
work to be done. And as aquote, unquote, hope coach, I'm not
(34:25):
here to make it look cute. I'mhere to get you to the other side
so that you can experience thefullness of life, so that you can
stop leaking on your kids, allyour toxicity and your spouse and
your friends, so that you canactually have, like, real, authentic
peace. Like, and there's just.I don't know, it's just something
(34:47):
better. I'm telling you, onthe other side of doing hard work,
hard healing work.
What do you think? Becauseright now, in some ways, people could
look at your life and, and seeyou kind of got your happily ever
after in the sense thatyouhavetwo kidsand you'redoing greatand
(35:07):
God'susingyoutodoamazingthings.
Yeah.
In this world. What that inbetween period, between now and the
broken crayon experience, thebroken doors and, you know, your
divorce. What. What helped youmove to get to the other side? What
(35:28):
were the things that God usedto help get you to this other side
that you now live?
Yeah. Well, first andforemost, let me say I have not arrived.
It's one of the things I kindof like about social media because
it's like, real time. Like, Ilike the Insta Story game a little
bit because it's real time.This is what's happening today. And
one of the things that I'mreally doing to leverage my social
(35:50):
media is to get people tounderstand that I have not arrived.
That. Actually, I made a postjust yesterday about how difficult
it was for me to leave myhouse and go and get coffee. I used
to go to this coffee shopevery single day, but it took everything
in me and a little bit oftossing and turning at night and
(36:12):
some anxiety and gripping thesteering wheel with both my hands
to simply go and get coffee.And I felt really embarrassed by
that. And then I said, no, I'mgoing to choose kindness. Kindness
to myself over shame, becauseshame's trying to come in right now.
I see you, sis. Okay. Thereason why that's important is because
(36:36):
you need to know that whensomeone like me, who has been through
so much trauma, it doesn'tjust evaporate and leave. It sticks
with my body. I had acounseling session three days ago
where I just cried because Irealized that I had done the first
two layers of healing fromsomething that happened to me traumatically.
(36:57):
But my body still has kept thecount. And so now I got to go back
into emdr, and I'm like, dang,this sucks. But I want and crave
and will fight for healing. Solet me just say that I would say
the things that help me washealthier community. I believe that
you cannot heal in the placeand with the people that broke you
(37:20):
in the first place. I thinkthe cliche saying, you know, you
are. You become who you hangaround, like, that's so cute and
sexy or whatever, but no,really, if you. You want to live
a healthy life, you betterlook at your community and the people
around you. I had totransition some people out, and it
sucked. And it's not liketransitioning out of my life, but
(37:40):
I transitioned them intoanother space in my circle. And I
talk about that in the book alot. And even Jesus has circles.
And I have this diagram in thebook that kind of talks about how
to transition People intodifferent spaces so that they don't
have so much access to your.The most intimate parts of you when
you're trying to heal. I wouldalso say tangibly, if, you know,
(38:00):
for the book readers, there'sa book called Captivating by John
Eldredge changed my freakinglife. It was amazing. It just. I
mean, it's just great. I wouldsay just read it. Like, I ain't got
to explain all the things.Read it if you're looking to hear
from God, understand yourfemininity, and really access the
spiritual level of healing.Captivating. John Eldredge, Priscilla
(38:23):
Shire's war room. That washuge for me because. And the book
is called Fervent. The reasonwhy it was huge for me is because
it taught me how to pray. Iwas a fan of God, not a follower.
And that book taught me how togo from, like, the, you know, like
the stands where it's like,oh, yeah, Jesus is so cool. Like,
(38:46):
this is amazing, too. No,Jesus, I will follow you anywhere
to the depths, up, down, allaround. Wherever you got for me and
my purpose in my life, I willfollow you there. That was another
real good, tangible thing. Andthen counseling, like, it is what
it is. I mean, good Lord. I. Ican't even. I'm. I can't even exist
(39:08):
at this point withoutcounseling. I don't want to. I want
to go and process my emotions.I want to go and understand how my
brain and my neurons areconnecting to the way that I feel.
That's connecting to the waythat I act and treat my family and
the people around me and how Ilead. I want that. I crave it. And
so counseling, like, go andget. Just go. Just go.
(39:32):
Just go on. That's why we havethe counseling program here to help
when we get counseling. I'm soabout that. I love that you just
sort of laid out some of thethings that helped you, because I
think it gives women even anext step of how can I begin to engage
some things that will help memove from today to tomorrow. Right.
(39:53):
Oh, one of the things that'sinteresting about you, you have a
podcast you host, and you'reinviting people to share how their
lives were rebuilt. And yousay rebuilt with grit and hope. We
talked a little bit about youbeing a Hope coach, but I want to
hear from you before we closeout today. Why is grit so crucial
(40:13):
to rebuilding?
That's really, really good.Because it's hard. Okay? Like Romans
5, I'm like, I'm spitting offall the scripture, and I'm just Praying
that I. I actually amremembering it all correctly. You
know what I'm saying? I'mlike, don't. Don't quote me.
Yeah, there's definitelypeople in their cars right now. They're
like, cross referencing.
They are. They're on thefreaking Bible app and they're calling
(40:36):
me out. They're calling mewrong. Just kidding.
You're gonna get canceled andbe that food blogging twerker soon.
That's right. It's about to beover. Okay, I think that is Romans
5, I'm not mistaken, wherePaul's writing to the church, or
hopefully the church in Rome,the people in Rome. And he's talking
(40:57):
about this idea of God's gloryand how his glory, if we really want
access to it, it's gonna bethrough suffering. Because suffering
produces this endurance, thisperseverance, this ability to endure
hard things. And we're talkingabout a guy who's like, in jail,
(41:18):
in prison all the time. Paul'slike, on boats, starving for days.
I mean, it's just crazy. We'retalking about someone who suffered,
who knows what it is like tosuffer for the gospel. And again,
we don't want to fall into thecomparison trap. Like, we not all
missionaries out here. We'renot all disciples, okay? Starving
and going to prison. But thereis something about suffering so that
(41:42):
we can be the best versions ofourselves, so that we can be more
like Jesus. Because, I mean,that's what we're getting to here.
When you are toxic, when youhave things that tear down the fabric
of your emotions and the waythat you process things and the way
that you treat people, it robsyou of the ability to be more like
(42:07):
Jesus. The very thing thatwe've been put on the earth to be.
I mean, I used to curse out,pop off, be all kinds of stuff. Not
because I was a bad person,but because I had bad experiences.
And cursing people out was theway that I was taught how to treat
people, how to handleconflict. And I didn't know what
love was. And that's why Iended up in a relationship where
(42:28):
I thought love was fightingand screaming all the time. We have
to do our work. And in orderto actually do our work, we have
to have some grit to getthrough it, because it sucks. I just
want to say that again. I wantpeople to know that I am not saying
the healing process is somelittle dainty, beautiful, Care Bear
(42:49):
type situation. It is very,very difficult. It's difficult to
face what you've been through.And sometimes it gets worse. Before
it gets better because whenyou're in trauma, you numb and you
actually don't even have thetime. Right. Because you're just
surviving. You don't even havethe time to sit down and ask yourself,
how did that make me feel?What emotions do I have right now?
(43:12):
But when you do get the timeand you start to feel everything,
you better have some grit. Youbetter. You better. Because it's
hard.
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, Ilove so much that you are allowing
God to show up in your painand your mess and use you there and
(43:35):
invite other people to knowthat he can do the same with their
lives. And your grit isinviting other people to know that
it's possible. It's possible.And so I'm so grateful for you and
your story and that you hoppedon here today. And I know people
are going to want to check outyour book. Book and your courses
(43:55):
and your ministry. How canthey do that?
All the things so.Tonyjcallier.com T O N I J C O L
l I e r.com I just updated mywebsite. It's so cute.
Hook, line and sinker.
I saw your cutie girl firstday pictures. I saw it. Okay. I did.
(44:18):
Thank you. It's cheerleadingout that okay. Yes. On all the things.
Tony J. Collier. On all thethings. And everything's on my site
from the book. You can preorder the book. I still can't believe
I have a book. And I'm talkingabout a book. You can listen to the
podcast. We just did seasonone. That's crazy. It's such a beautiful
podcast. So many justmeaningful stories of grit and hope
(44:38):
and.
Yeah.
And I'd love for you to comeand check it out. Come and check
it out. Get yourself some resources.
That's awesome. Thank you forhanging out, Toni.
Yay. Thank you for having me.
Friend. I'm so glad that youjoined me today to listen to Toni's
(45:00):
story. I hope it inspired youin some way. One of the things that
stood out to me, she keptsaying this phrase, we want to keep
it moving. And I thought itisn't that true. We kind of just
want to keep it moving. Wewant to move on from yesterday's
pain and dream abouttomorrow's future. We want to sweep
(45:21):
it under the rug. We want tohope the pain and the hardship goes
away. And yet it starts tostack up. Right? And all our issues
and insecurities and barriersand obstacles and shame start to
layer upon, layer upon. Andbefore you know it, that rug that
(45:41):
we've been sweeping everythingunder doesn't look like a rug anymore.
In fact, there's so much messunderneath it, and we can feel overwhelmed.
And if that's you, if you'vebeen just trying to keep on moving
forward, but you're carryingall this stuff from your past in
with you into today, myinvitation for you is to just pause
(46:08):
and stop and hand all of thatto Jesus and ask him to meet you
in the mess. Ask him to meetyou in the brokenness. Surrender
all the things that you wishyou weren't carrying. This idea that
you can just keep movingforward and none of your past will
(46:29):
travel with you. That's amyth. It's not true. But there's
hope. Because God can handleall of it. He can handle all the
mess. He can handle all theshame. He can handle all the things
that you wish weren't a partof your story. So my hope this week
is that you would continue tocollide with Jesus and allow him
(46:51):
to enter into those brokenplaces and that you would experience
his beauty. So, friend, if youlisten to this podcast and you think
that there's a friend of yoursthat you care about that needs to
hear this message, just goahead and share it. Just the simple
act of sharing can blesssomeone else's day. And I will catch
(47:12):
you next week. Keep colliding.
Hey, friends. So glad that youhopped on again this week to hear
another amazing interview withsomeone that God is doing amazing
things in their lives. I amWillow Weston. If you're new to this
podcast, I'm the founder anddirector of Collide, which is a women's
ministry. We're a nonprofitlocated in the Pacific Northwest,
(00:36):
but trying to reach and impactlives all over the nation. And we
have so many ways that we dothat. And one of my favorite ways
is this podcast. I love that Iget to sit down with people who share
stories of God showing up anddoing beautiful things in the brokenness
(01:00):
and doing powerful things inthe mess. And today I got to sit
down with someone who is andhas experienced just that. Tony Collier
is a HOPE coach. He's theauthor of Brave Enough to Be Broken
and the founder of BrokenCrayons Still Color, which is an
international women's ministrythat helps women process their brokenness
(01:22):
and reclaim hope. She's apopular speaker and consultant and
helps organizations and isjust plain fun and passionate. You'll
hear her talking about foodblogging, twerking, her own powerful
story of how Jesus showed upand collided with her in her brokenness.
So take a listen, Toni. I'vealready had so much fun offline with
(01:50):
you that I almost feel badthat people couldn't listen in on
you sharing about just likeyour crazy daily life. You're coming
in hot from Atlanta, right?
That's right, baby. Atlanta.But I'm from Texas though. Don't
get it twisted.
You know, very differentplaces. I feel like you're a big
city girl. I mean, I'm in thislike mid size Pacific northwest town,
(02:13):
like 80 to 100,000 people. Andyou're like, in Atlanta.
That's right.
Come on. Do you do for fun in Atlanta?
I eat. Okay, here's what Isay. Here's what I say all the time.
If ministry doesn't work out,if I get canceled, if I am found
twerking somewhere, you justnever know. Okay, I'm going food
(02:35):
blogger. Okay? I have a wholestrategy, I have a plan, I have a
way out. You know what I'msaying? But I just love great food
experiences and I love toshare it with my friends. I have
good eats lists for like everycity I've ever visited. It's my thing.
So I eat working while foodblogging. That's you can like.
I'm just saying I'll have thefreedom to do it if things go awry
(02:57):
with ministry.
Okay, well, we'll all getcanceled at One point or another,
you were just sharing with mejust this crazy season of life you're
in. You just came off ofhaving a kiddo, and you're kind of
coming back from maternityleave. How does that feel to kind
of come back into the crazyhustle of juggling and all of that?
(03:19):
All the things. It literallyfeels like I'm flying a plane while
building it.
That's what it feels like.It's piece by piece, wing by wing,
like sea by sea. It quitehonestly feels like I'm just doing
all the things at one time.And what's crazy but also exhilarating
about that is that I know thatI can't do it by myself. So it's
(03:43):
got to be the Lord, okay?Like, every day I'm waking up. I'm
dependent on him foreverything, even small things, like
going to get coffee and put mykid in the freaking car seat and
hoping that he strapped incorrectly, you know? And so it's.
It's exhilarating. But I thinkit's a. It's like a selfless, refining
faith building season. And I'mexcited about it because I think
(04:04):
that's kind of where God doeshis best work. I'm like, y' all are
gonna get 20% of Tony rightnow and 80% of him, and so it's just
gonna be better, you know?
I love that so much. I wassharing with you offline. It's such
a crazy season when you justhave a kid. And I remember sort of
looking at other women, andthey look like they are nailing it.
(04:28):
And I was having all of this,like, I don't know what I'm doing.
And that sort of made mespiral into, like, I don't have a
family legacy of anyone I canlook to as a mentor to go, oh, this
is how I should be, Mom.
Momming.
And this is a healthy mom, andthis is what it looks like to invest
(04:51):
in my kids. And I. I was like,I am freaking out. Like, this isn't
easy. And then you see yourfriends, and they're just like. You
know, they've got it allnailed down. Like, they can change
a diaper with one hand. Theycan walk breastfeed. They can work
outside the home and workinside the home. I mean, they're
just, like, nailing it.
It's kind of weird thingsgoing on.
(05:11):
Do you think they're reallynailing it or not opening up about
how they're not nailing it?And. Or do you think some of us just
are, like, failing?
Failing and Failing, failingand failing. No, I. Well, first and
foremost, I always have toguard myself from the comparison
trap. Sandra Stanley, one ofour mentors and pastors, she has
(05:35):
this devotional. She talksabout the comparison trap, and it
is a thing. Like it is. Ourbrains are ruminating around comparison
all the time. And so I thinkit starts with that, with the foundation
of. In the present, of how amI doing compared to someone else.
However, I think when Paulwrote to the church in Corinth and
(05:58):
he said that God's grace issufficient for us, he spoke in this
very intimate way. He said,the Lord said to me, paul, my grace
is sufficient for you. And hecould have really written that in
all the different ways hecould have spoken to the church of
Corinth very generally, like,hey, guys, just a reminder, God's
grace is sufficient. But Ithink that Paul wrote it in that
(06:20):
way, very personal, veryspecific, because I think he needed
us to know that there is agrace, and it is specifically assigned
to us, that we don't have tolook to our left and right and compare
ourselves and to compare ourstories, because God's got a grace,
and it's sufficient for ourratchetness, our inability to change
a diaper with one hand, ourstories. And so when I think when
(06:44):
you start doing that, ithelps, but I don't think it takes
it all away. I think we'restill going to naturally drift to
that. There's a girl on mytimeline. I really want to say, like,
her whole name because she hasthe most beautiful page, but I want
to call her out, but she justhad a baby, literally same time as
me, and she's been on thebeach, and I'm just like, at one
point, I was like, surelyshe's not breastfeeding. Like, surely,
you know, like, she's maybeformula feeding. This is why it's
(07:07):
so much easier for her. Andthen the next day, she's, like, left
my breast pump. I was like,oh, freak, what's going on? And it
just reminded me that, youknow, it's our highlight reels on
social media when you don'tknow someone intimately and deeply,
and I don't know this girl atall intimate, intimately and deeply.
It robs us of the totality ofother stories, and it robs us of
(07:30):
embracing our full story aswell. And so I just think it's just
this weird cycle, thiscomparison trap cycle that we're
in, and we just got to becareful and mindful of, you.
Know, so you're coming out ofyour. Your maternity leave Jumping
back into vocational ministrystuff. You're the founder of Broken
(07:52):
Crayons, still color. Can youkind of invite us into how this ministry
came to be?
Okay, girl, long story short,I'm trying to make it short. Okay,
we got time, Tony. We gottime. Okay? We good? We good? We're
good. Okay, we're at the.We're at the coffee table, girls.
All right? We're on the couchright now talking about all the things.
I got my coffee, you got yourcoffee. I. My little mug over here.
(08:15):
I mean, we're doing our thing,you know? You know, Broken Crayons
came out of brokenness, like.And much like many of our purpose
driven goals and projects,like, it typically comes from a place
that's real intimate and realpersonal to the founder, the owner.
And for me, it was that I wasprocessing through divorce with a
(08:37):
really toxic marriage with aone year old. I was broke, okay?
We were on WIC and food stampsand all kinds of financial assistance.
I was transitioning from areally spiritually manipulative church
or a church leader. And it wasjust one of those seasons where it
was just dumb. Like everythingwas broken. Like it just was ratchet
all the way around. And Ifound myself cleaning up all these
(09:02):
crowns that my daughter hadrobbed of their dignity. She just
ripped them apart, taking alltheir little clothes off. They were
naked. It was crazy. I'msitting in the middle of my living
room floor and I'm just like,this is my life. Like, this is what
it feels like. Everything isbroken. I've been stripped of all
my dignity. I don't feel likeI can ever do ministry again. At
(09:23):
that point, I was working at achurch as a youth pastor and it just
really sucked. I was like,dang, everything has just fallen
apart from the top to thebottom. And I remember I was speaking
at a middle school every week.And I had my last time speaking there
before I went on a break andessentially said, I don't even think
(09:43):
ministries for me anymore. AndI was like, what am I about to tell
these 200 middle schoolers?Like, I. Everything's falling apart.
Like, what am I about topreach to these babies? And I go
upstairs, put my daughter tobed, and I'm scrolling on instagraasy
and I just roll across thisquote, broken crown, still color.
And I was like, I'm gonnapreach about that. And it was all
(10:03):
God. And honestly, I criedthrough half the message. And these
13 year olds were probablylike, ma' am, you need to go home.
Okay? But it was one of The.It was one most powerful messages
I'd ever preached because Ijust talked about how you can be
broken but still standing on astage and not broken in like an unhealthy,
toxic way, which is a wholeanother conversation. Hello, somebody.
Because we've seen all thesepastors fall, but we will just save
(10:26):
that for another conversation,but in a way that says your weaknesses,
don't discount you from thepower of God and what he actually
genuinely wants to do in yourlife if you can surrender to him.
And so I just started doingthis message. I. I ended up bouncing
back in ministry and gettingsome healing, going to counseling,
(10:47):
and. And that was the messageI did. And then someone said, you
need to start, like, a thing.And I started a thing and I started
a blog because that's. I feellike that's how we always start,
because we don't know whatelse to do. Started this blog.
Things to say, everybody.
I got something to say. Iwon't say it. And so I started this
blog, recruited these teammembers, and then we started creating
resources for women to processthrough brokenness, to find healing
(11:10):
courses, devotionals. And soit's been cool. It's been cool watching
women heal and helping them dothat through this organization.
I'm tracking with you so much.It sounds so similar to the story
of collide, and I won't gointo it too much, but to give you
a sense, a little bit of whyI'm tracking so much. I was at my
(11:33):
house one day, my mom showedup. I just had my baby, and I hadn't
lived with my mom since I was15 years old. And here she was, like,
in my late 20s, showing up inmy town, moved to town to be a grandma
and knocked on my door, and Iwent to go answer the door, didn't
know who's at the door. And I,like, reverted back to a child who
was wounded by her, and I wentand hid in the closet with my baby.
(11:57):
I end up in counseling becausethe Lord was like, you need to step
out of this closet and gethealing. I show up at this counseling
office and have this crazyspiritual epiphany that had very
little to do with thecounselor. That ended up being the
concept wounded collision,which birthed collide this ministry.
(12:17):
But the next week after I washiding in that closet, this one girl
asked me to mentor her. And Iwas just like, how can I help you?
Like, in the same way thatyou're like, what can I say to middle
school students? Like, how canI be someone who could help this
College age girl when I am,like, literally hiding in closets
with my baby because mychildhood wounds still need to be
(12:39):
healed. And God took that girland my investment in her turned into
25 girls meeting in my livingroom, which turned into what is now
collide. Right. And so why I'mbringing that up is because I think
there's women listening toyour story and they're listening
to my story, and they're inthat situation space. They're in
(13:00):
that space where everything'sfalling apart and they feel brokenhearted
and broke and their. Theirlife's a mess and they're going through
a divorce like you. Or theyfeel like they need so much healing
and they're hiding and runningfrom the person who wounded them,
whatever their story is. Andthey're thinking, not me. Like, God's
not going to use me to doanything because I'm a mess.
(13:23):
Yeah.
What is it that you feel likeis so striking about the idea that
that's exactly who God uses?
Oh, man, I, It. It honestlygives me the chills. I don't know.
Like, I know this is my life'scalling to remind people that their
brokenness doesn't discountthem. Because every time I talk about
it, every time I get askedthat type of question, it. I, like,
(13:44):
I don't know, I just startgetting all tangly inside. That's
the holy tingle comes in, youknow. Holy tingle. It's the holy
tingle is what I call it. Ijust, I go back to Paul when he says,
you know, that God is sayingto us, his power is made perfect
in his weakness in 2ndCorinthians 12, 9. It's like quite
(14:05):
literally the opposite of whatour world has taught us. You know,
our world has taught us thatit is perfection that gets us to
success when really it'ssurrender. And we've, We've strived,
man, we have tried so hard todo it all ourselves when we started
serve and have access to a Godwho does his best work in the valleys,
(14:26):
his best work in the brokenplaces. And he literally says that,
like, boast all the moregladly about your weaknesses so that
my power will rest on you.It's like he's the player in our
lives on the sidelines of thefield saying, put me in, put me in.
Tag me. I've got some powerfor your weakness. I want to help,
to restore and redeem. He justsays his best work. There's. And
(14:49):
I think, like, I think whathas happened over time is that either
we've grown up, so there maybe Someone listening. That's like,
I grew up in this church thattold me about this big mean God and
I think he's the God at theend of the tunnel saying, get your
stuff together and then I'llbe there when you're ready. Either.
It's either that and we justdon't trust that there's a good God
(15:11):
that wants to use us andactually see us in our, in our mess.
And a Jesus that comes for usor our wounds won't allow us to access
his power because we've gotdeeply rooted insecurity that says,
well, I gotta fend for myself.We've got some childhood wounds as
you were talking about, thatsays, well, I'm unsafe and unprotected
(15:32):
because my earthly parents andcommunity didn't care for me, didn't
tend to me. And so no waythere's a God, an unseen God that
will do that for me. It couldeven be our idols. There's some people
listening right now that youjust got idols in the way that it
feels better to numb with anaddiction, it feels better to numb
with alcohol and drugs and menand all the other things than it
(15:53):
is to be still and wait on theLord. And I think that the enemy
has put those barriers inplace from shame to wounds, to pride,
to insecurity, to idols tokeep us from the access of the real
power of God right in themiddle of our message. And that just
gets me fired up.
(16:14):
We talk so much around hereabout collisions with Jesus and as
you're talking, I'm thinkingabout the collision where Jesus runs
into the woman at the well. Hegoes out of his way to meet her.
They have this amazing banterwhich I don't have time to talk about
right now, but at the end ofthis life changing collision for
her, she changed so much so bythe presence of Jesus. Come on, she
(16:39):
runs, right? She runs to hervillage and she says, come and see
a man who told me everything Iever did. Her village comes and they
collide with Jesus and theirlives are changed. I'm bringing up
that question that, thatcollision to you because it wasn't
like a 10 year period. She hada transformative collision with Jesus
(16:59):
and then she went and changedher village. And I think there's
this sort of like, oh, mylife. I have to sweep this all up.
It has to get all cleaned up.I have to be like 10 years out of
having a divorce. I have to,you know, have new crayons. Not broken.
No, I gotta have it alltogether before God's Gonna use me
(17:20):
to do something amazing in theworld. And yet we see quite the opposite
when we look at scripture. Imean, look at you. You're living
proof of God. Met you in themess, and he's using you there, too.
I mean, you hopped on todayand told me offline, like, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Like, just comingback from maternity, things are crazy,
(17:41):
you know, and using you there.
Yeah.
What is your advice for womenwho are in that place that you were
in that day that you foundyour daughter's, and they're just
feeling like, is there achapter that's good that comes after
this chapter?
Mm. That's so good. I think myfirst piece of advice is awareness.
(18:10):
And that's not the sexiest,you know, answer, but it is the first
step, I think, in what I wouldcall our healing journey. Because
I think our healing journeycollides. Hello, somebody. With our
holiness journey. I really dobelieve that. I believe that when
we are pursuing Jesus and weare trying our best to become more
(18:34):
like him, which is more holy,I think that the best way to go about
it is when we allow it tocollide with our healing. And I think
healing starts with ourawareness. When I look back over
my life in that moment, I hadto become aware that there were barriers
that kept me from a life ofwholeness and a beautiful life with
(18:56):
God. And not barriers that Icould just sweep up, but barriers
that I needed to bring to him,that he just wanted me to lay at
his feet, not, oh, go get itall cleaned up, girl. Like, go take
the time. Go do counseling.No, he really just simply wanted
me to just bring it to him.And I just didn't trust him. I didn't
(19:17):
trust him because I wasn'taware of the barriers. I wasn't aware
that when I was sexuallymanipulated and abused when I was
young, when I. When my mom hada massive stroke and I started taking
care of my mom at 8 years oldand driving her to doctor's appointments
at 12 years old and lost myvirginity at 13, I wasn't aware that
all of that was keeping mefrom surrendering to God. And when
(19:42):
I became aware, like, oh,goodness. Like, the reason why I
probably got in an abusiverelationship was because my dad used
to curse me out. Okay. And mydad was really verbally abusive.
And then I had family membersthat was sexually abusive. And I
had a man that entered into mylife that was sexually abusive. And
I just. I wasn't aware that Ihad all of that baggage that kept
(20:03):
me from the promises of God.And it was in that moment, in the
moment of awareness that Isaid, man, I've got some wounds and
they need to turn into adultscars because they're never going
to leave my story. It was inthat moment when I was like, oh,
all I need to do is surrenderthis at the feet of Jesus and he
(20:25):
is going to take me on ajourney of healing and wholeness
and holiness. And that journeyisn't just going to be, oh, let me
hide you, but actually hewants to, like, flaunt me. He wants
to say, look at my daughterand who I'm well pleased with, her
divorce, with her abusivepast, with her addictions. Look at
(20:46):
her, look at what I'm doingthrough her. And so awareness is
just key for me. I think thatwhen we look at our women's course,
Step two, the Module two, it'sthe hardest for women because it's
story mapping. When they goback and look at their story and
become aware of everythingthat's been holding them back from
wholeness and holiness, itunlocks something unimaginable. And
(21:09):
I just, I think we gotta startthere. That's what I think.
We believe that God hassomething special in store for your
life. Do you need some helpdiscerning next steps in your calling
or wishing that God could dosomething big with your life but
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(21:31):
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(22:39):
Yeah, go backward to goforward, right? You need to invite
God to go back to thosehurtful spaces and places so that
you can move forward. I thinkwhat's so incredible about this story
is that you not only becameaware of the barriers and started
inviting and surrenderingthose to Jesus so he could heal you,
(23:02):
knock them out of the way. Butnow you're helping other women do
that. You just mentioned thatyou have. You also wrote brave enough
to be broken, and I'd love foryou to share why you believe and
define bravery as being realabout our brokenness.
Man, here's the truth. Itdon't take a lot of courage to be
perfect, right? Like, when Ithink about, like, some of my friends,
(23:24):
and we all kind of have thatone friend that's like, I mean, she's
not perfect because we're.None of us are perfect. But. But,
dang it, she's just soamazing, you know? Like the. Just
one of the kindest, happiestgirls. It's like Susan that always
brings the best charcuterie tothe party. It's like, why are you
so freaking nice? Why are youa Teletubby mommy?
Looks like roses.
And I'm like, oh, really?Okay, so you're. You're. Yeah. Okay.
(23:46):
She's got, like, pomegranatethat she's, like, divided up. I mean,
all the things. You know, itis pretty easy to love that type
of person, right? Like, tolove that person that just shows
up. That's so kind all thetime. It is what it is. But when
you can bring some of themessiest, craziest, raw, foul parts
(24:07):
of you and someone looks youin the eye and says, you're still
worthy of love and belongingto, like, man, that's when it counts.
Like, that's when it reallycounts. And the truth is, it's hard
to bring that stuff. It iseasy for us to use our filters because
Lord knows I be using themfilters on Instagram. It's easy for
us to want to draw oureyebrows on so they look like sisters,
(24:29):
not cousins. You know what I'msaying? Just to get them real nice
and even. But it's hard to say1. As a woman, I have an addiction,
and I've stepped out of mymarriage or I yelled at my kids.
It's so difficult to do thatthat it requires bravery to say,
(24:54):
these are the things thatbreak me. But when we do that in
the presence of God and safecommunity and someone looks back
at us and says, okay, and Ilove you the same. The healing starts
there. And so that's what thisbook is about that I've just written.
(25:14):
Like, brave enough to bebroken. Like, how to embrace your
pain so you can find hope andhealing. Because I actually believe
that in order to find hope andhealing, you gotta go through some
stuff. You have to embrace thepain. And we don't want to do that.
That's the awareness piece. Wedon't want to go back. We don't want
(25:36):
to look at what's been done tous. We want to push that thing right
under the rug and we want tokeep it moving. But when we embrace
it, man, what a refining buthope filled process. And that's it,
that's the message.
Yeah, I feel like we fastforward brokenness to try to get
to wholeness, but that stuffdoesn't go anywhere. It's like we're
(25:57):
sweeping it under the rug.We're trying to pretend it's, it's
gone, it's in the past, it'sin a rearview mirror. But yeah, if
we don't stand in the presenceof Jesus and really have him go backwards
with us and deal with ourstuff, like it doesn't go anywhere.
I'm kind of curious where youthink we're getting it wrong in Christian
community, because I think ina lot of ways we are. I mean, you're
(26:18):
talking about the importanceof being brave enough to be broken
with other people. And there'ssomething powerful when you can be.
How can we create spaces wherewomen can be brave enough to be broken?
And how are we ruining those spaces?
Listen, first and foremost,I'm trying not to bring the church
(26:42):
into this. Okay, the littlesea church. But I do think there's
something to be said aboutchurch history and the way that we
fashion church. I think therewas a church that was for the saints.
It was like, bring all thenice Christian people inside, keep
all the ratchet other peopleoutside. We're going to protect the
(27:03):
saints. And we just got to beperfect. And for many of us who grew
up in that. I grew upCatholic, then my mom was Baptist,
and then, I mean, I got allthe denominations. I kind of went
to a charismatic church. ThenI went to North Point, which is not
charismatic. Okay. Under AndyStanley. And now we have a church
of our own that's kind of amelting pot of all of it. But the
(27:24):
consistent thing I hear from alot of people is I grew up in a church
that said I had to be perfect.And if I, if I didn't, I would probably
go to hell. God would probablybe so mad at me if I did this. The
purity culture, I mean, allthe things then. So I think that
was our first mistake. I thinkour second mistake was we kind of
swung the pendulum back alittle too hard and we said, come
(27:46):
as you are, come on, we'lljust take you. Because we were just
so mad that we had to beperfect that then we said, it don't
even matter. You can go to theclub, you can twerk, can do all.
You can have an addiction. Youcan drink a lot of it. It's like,
okay, well, no, we need tojust be calm about the drinking.
But we swung the pendulum somuch, and I think it robbed us of
(28:06):
our ability to live in thegray, to live in the area that says,
yes, we're imperfect and thatis where our humility comes from.
But also, we have access to somany resources to help us to be healed
and whole people that we canhave confidence in that we can have
confidence in Jesus to helpget us. But we have to do our work,
(28:30):
though. And I look at mygeneration, I'm like a young millennial,
I guess she was. I'm 31, and Ilook at all these, you know, Gen
Z, and it's like, we gotta doour work. Like, this is not easy.
The healing process is notlinear, and it's extremely painful.
But it's worth it because Ibelieve that God has not called us
(28:51):
just to be Bible thumping. Iknow every scripture because we got
Bible thumping. I know everyscripture. People, that's just mean.
They just mean it's okay. Now.You know every bit of the Bible,
but you don't know how totreat people. And you probably don't
know how to treat peoplebecause you got some wounds that
you need to heal. I think thatcomes from us being able to just
ride the messy middle, toswing in the pendulum right in the
(29:14):
middle and to find a spacethat says, and I think it's what
we can do as Christian leadersthat says, come with your mess. We
will be with you in thevalleys, but we're not going to leave
you there. You're not about tostay in the valleys. There is going
to come a moment where you'regoing to say, oh, man. Anxiety has
not held me back as much as itused to. I'm not having as many suicidal
(29:36):
thoughts and ideation as Iused to. Depression has not gripped
me for days. I got my appetiteback. I'm not addicted to this anymore.
I can claw my way out becauseI have accountability and people
and I put the things that Ineed to put in place. And there may
be another valley in thefuture, but I won't get caught there
(29:57):
either. And we just got tostart just. It's. It's like the pendulum.
It's like it's not one thing,you know, it's just like the gray.
It's the gray area we got toget better at the gray.
Yeah. It's. We have a veryhard time sitting in people's pain.
We. We want to fast forwardtheir brokenness and get them to
wholeness. Right. So we'relike, let me just dose out some prescriptions
(30:19):
for you, some answers, some bscriptures, and pray over you, and
then we want you to be better.And by creating safe spaces for people
to be honest, that they're ona journey, they're in a process,
and they're not.
Yeah.
In a great place.
Yep. 100.
I feel like we're not passingout permission slips for people to
(30:41):
be honest about theirbrokenness because we just want them
to be whole so we don't haveto deal with them.
Dang. I. Okay. Yes. All right.I do think that that is.
That.
That is one part. We don'thave to deal with it, but it's. But
I think it's hard, man. Like,it's difficult for us to sit with
(31:02):
people in. In Valleys. And thetruth is, we also have to be mindful
that we're not trying to bepeople's holy spirit. Right? Like,
that we're not trying to playGod's role, but also that we're tethered
enough to people to be, as AnnVoskamp says, Jesus with skin onto
them and walk with themthrough the process and the journey.
(31:26):
But that starts with us doingour own work, right? Like, doing
our own work and then beingable to help people through theirs.
And then boundaries. I mean,good Lord, we could go so many ways
with this conversation andhave our own boundaries, boundaries
that are strong enough to keepthe bad stuff out and permeable enough
to let the good stuff in. It'sjust. It's always this kind of give
and take.
(31:46):
You know, let's talk about youbeing called a hope coach. Hey, you
are passionate about, like,sending shame packing and instilling
hope in women. How are youseeing women losing hope? And what
do you want to instill backinto them?
(32:06):
Yeah, I can't. One of my. Sowhen we. When we first did our women's
course, which is called theHopeful woman course, there was a
woman that was like, you'relike, my own personal hope coach.
And I was like, ooh, I likethat. And I was like, I'm adopting
that thing. And she said,because. And she said, it's not Tony
because you are ignorant oryou don't embrace the darkness, and
(32:33):
you're not in the brokennesswith us, but it's because the way
that God has fashioned you,you Always see a way out. And I love
it. Made me feel so good forher to say that. Because I never
want to be the person that'sdismissive. I never want to be the
Teletubby girl that's justlike, yay, everything's so good.
Because I was her. I was herthat said, oh, I'm not going to tell
(32:57):
anybody about our brokenmarriage and the doors ripped off
the hinges and the holespunched in the walls and the stack
of plates that's been punchedthrough. I'm just going to get on
stage, act like everything'sjust fine, and post on social media
and keep it moving. I was thatgirl that was like, that had fake
hope and fake peace. And thenI said, no, this doesn't work. Like,
(33:20):
I want authentic, real hope.And I believe that authentic, real
hope comes from doing yourwork, comes from digging deep into
the places that wounded you.When we think about trauma on. I
mean, when we think abouttrauma, it has layers to it. Some
of us have healed our traumasspiritually. And that's amazing.
(33:41):
We've said, oh, man, no, I'mnot alone. I am actually protected.
Psalm 91 says that God sendsangel armies to be around us and
he'll fend off all harm. He'llgive us a long drink of salvation.
It's like, boom. That's thespiritual level of trauma. But then
there's also the psychologicallevel of trauma for you to start
actually thinking differentlyand feeling differently. But then
(34:01):
there's also a cellular levelof trauma where trauma has gotten
in your body that only comeswith trauma treatment. Emdr. There's
work to be done, especiallyfor those of us that have experienced,
you know, lots of traumathroughout their entire life. There's
work to be done. And as aquote, unquote, hope coach, I'm not
(34:25):
here to make it look cute. I'mhere to get you to the other side
so that you can experience thefullness of life, so that you can
stop leaking on your kids, allyour toxicity and your spouse and
your friends, so that you canactually have, like, real, authentic
peace. Like, and there's just.I don't know, it's just something
(34:47):
better. I'm telling you, onthe other side of doing hard work,
hard healing work.
What do you think? Becauseright now, in some ways, people could
look at your life and, and seeyou kind of got your happily ever
after in the sense thatyouhavetwo kidsand you'redoing greatand
(35:07):
God'susingyoutodoamazingthings.
Yeah.
In this world. What that inbetween period, between now and the
broken crayon experience, thebroken doors and, you know, your
divorce. What. What helped youmove to get to the other side? What
(35:28):
were the things that God usedto help get you to this other side
that you now live?
Yeah. Well, first andforemost, let me say I have not arrived.
It's one of the things I kindof like about social media because
it's like, real time. Like, Ilike the Insta Story game a little
bit because it's real time.This is what's happening today. And
one of the things that I'mreally doing to leverage my social
(35:50):
media is to get people tounderstand that I have not arrived.
That. Actually, I made a postjust yesterday about how difficult
it was for me to leave myhouse and go and get coffee. I used
to go to this coffee shopevery single day, but it took everything
in me and a little bit oftossing and turning at night and
(36:12):
some anxiety and gripping thesteering wheel with both my hands
to simply go and get coffee.And I felt really embarrassed by
that. And then I said, no, I'mgoing to choose kindness. Kindness
to myself over shame, becauseshame's trying to come in right now.
I see you, sis. Okay. Thereason why that's important is because
(36:36):
you need to know that whensomeone like me, who has been through
so much trauma, it doesn'tjust evaporate and leave. It sticks
with my body. I had acounseling session three days ago
where I just cried because Irealized that I had done the first
two layers of healing fromsomething that happened to me traumatically.
(36:57):
But my body still has kept thecount. And so now I got to go back
into emdr, and I'm like, dang,this sucks. But I want and crave
and will fight for healing. Solet me just say that I would say
the things that help me washealthier community. I believe that
you cannot heal in the placeand with the people that broke you
(37:20):
in the first place. I thinkthe cliche saying, you know, you
are. You become who you hangaround, like, that's so cute and
sexy or whatever, but no,really, if you. You want to live
a healthy life, you betterlook at your community and the people
around you. I had totransition some people out, and it
sucked. And it's not liketransitioning out of my life, but
(37:40):
I transitioned them intoanother space in my circle. And I
talk about that in the book alot. And even Jesus has circles.
And I have this diagram in thebook that kind of talks about how
to transition People intodifferent spaces so that they don't
have so much access to your.The most intimate parts of you when
you're trying to heal. I wouldalso say tangibly, if, you know,
(38:00):
for the book readers, there'sa book called Captivating by John
Eldredge changed my freakinglife. It was amazing. It just. I
mean, it's just great. I wouldsay just read it. Like, I ain't got
to explain all the things.Read it if you're looking to hear
from God, understand yourfemininity, and really access the
spiritual level of healing.Captivating. John Eldredge, Priscilla
(38:23):
Shire's war room. That washuge for me because. And the book
is called Fervent. The reasonwhy it was huge for me is because
it taught me how to pray. Iwas a fan of God, not a follower.
And that book taught me how togo from, like, the, you know, like
the stands where it's like,oh, yeah, Jesus is so cool. Like,
(38:46):
this is amazing, too. No,Jesus, I will follow you anywhere
to the depths, up, down, allaround. Wherever you got for me and
my purpose in my life, I willfollow you there. That was another
real good, tangible thing. Andthen counseling, like, it is what
it is. I mean, good Lord. I. Ican't even. I'm. I can't even exist
(39:08):
at this point withoutcounseling. I don't want to. I want
to go and process my emotions.I want to go and understand how my
brain and my neurons areconnecting to the way that I feel.
That's connecting to the waythat I act and treat my family and
the people around me and how Ilead. I want that. I crave it. And
so counseling, like, go andget. Just go. Just go.
(39:32):
Just go on. That's why we havethe counseling program here to help
when we get counseling. I'm soabout that. I love that you just
sort of laid out some of thethings that helped you, because I
think it gives women even anext step of how can I begin to engage
some things that will help memove from today to tomorrow. Right.
(39:53):
Oh, one of the things that'sinteresting about you, you have a
podcast you host, and you'reinviting people to share how their
lives were rebuilt. And yousay rebuilt with grit and hope. We
talked a little bit about youbeing a Hope coach, but I want to
hear from you before we closeout today. Why is grit so crucial
(40:13):
to rebuilding?
That's really, really good.Because it's hard. Okay? Like Romans
5, I'm like, I'm spitting offall the scripture, and I'm just Praying
that I. I actually amremembering it all correctly. You
know what I'm saying? I'mlike, don't. Don't quote me.
Yeah, there's definitelypeople in their cars right now. They're
like, cross referencing.
They are. They're on thefreaking Bible app and they're calling
(40:36):
me out. They're calling mewrong. Just kidding.
You're gonna get canceled andbe that food blogging twerker soon.
That's right. It's about to beover. Okay, I think that is Romans
5, I'm not mistaken, wherePaul's writing to the church, or
hopefully the church in Rome,the people in Rome. And he's talking
(40:57):
about this idea of God's gloryand how his glory, if we really want
access to it, it's gonna bethrough suffering. Because suffering
produces this endurance, thisperseverance, this ability to endure
hard things. And we're talkingabout a guy who's like, in jail,
(41:18):
in prison all the time. Paul'slike, on boats, starving for days.
I mean, it's just crazy. We'retalking about someone who suffered,
who knows what it is like tosuffer for the gospel. And again,
we don't want to fall into thecomparison trap. Like, we not all
missionaries out here. We'renot all disciples, okay? Starving
and going to prison. But thereis something about suffering so that
(41:42):
we can be the best versions ofourselves, so that we can be more
like Jesus. Because, I mean,that's what we're getting to here.
When you are toxic, when youhave things that tear down the fabric
of your emotions and the waythat you process things and the way
that you treat people, it robsyou of the ability to be more like
(42:07):
Jesus. The very thing thatwe've been put on the earth to be.
I mean, I used to curse out,pop off, be all kinds of stuff. Not
because I was a bad person,but because I had bad experiences.
And cursing people out was theway that I was taught how to treat
people, how to handleconflict. And I didn't know what
love was. And that's why Iended up in a relationship where
(42:28):
I thought love was fightingand screaming all the time. We have
to do our work. And in orderto actually do our work, we have
to have some grit to getthrough it, because it sucks. I just
want to say that again. I wantpeople to know that I am not saying
the healing process is somelittle dainty, beautiful, Care Bear
(42:49):
type situation. It is very,very difficult. It's difficult to
face what you've been through.And sometimes it gets worse. Before
it gets better because whenyou're in trauma, you numb and you
actually don't even have thetime. Right. Because you're just
surviving. You don't even havethe time to sit down and ask yourself,
how did that make me feel?What emotions do I have right now?
(43:12):
But when you do get the timeand you start to feel everything,
you better have some grit. Youbetter. You better. Because it's
hard.
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, Ilove so much that you are allowing
God to show up in your painand your mess and use you there and
(43:35):
invite other people to knowthat he can do the same with their
lives. And your grit isinviting other people to know that
it's possible. It's possible.And so I'm so grateful for you and
your story and that you hoppedon here today. And I know people
are going to want to check outyour book. Book and your courses
(43:55):
and your ministry. How canthey do that?
All the things so.Tonyjcallier.com T O N I J C O L
l I e r.com I just updated mywebsite. It's so cute.
Hook, line and sinker.
I saw your cutie girl firstday pictures. I saw it. Okay. I did.
(44:18):
Thank you. It's cheerleadingout that okay. Yes. On all the things.
Tony J. Collier. On all thethings. And everything's on my site
from the book. You can preorder the book. I still can't believe
I have a book. And I'm talkingabout a book. You can listen to the
podcast. We just did seasonone. That's crazy. It's such a beautiful
podcast. So many justmeaningful stories of grit and hope
(44:38):
and.
Yeah.
And I'd love for you to comeand check it out. Come and check
it out. Get yourself some resources.
That's awesome. Thank you forhanging out, Toni.
Yay. Thank you for having me.
Friend. I'm so glad that youjoined me today to listen to Toni's
(45:00):
story. I hope it inspired youin some way. One of the things that
stood out to me, she keptsaying this phrase, we want to keep
it moving. And I thought itisn't that true. We kind of just
want to keep it moving. Wewant to move on from yesterday's
pain and dream abouttomorrow's future. We want to sweep
(45:21):
it under the rug. We want tohope the pain and the hardship goes
away. And yet it starts tostack up. Right? And all our issues
and insecurities and barriersand obstacles and shame start to
layer upon, layer upon. Andbefore you know it, that rug that
(45:41):
we've been sweeping everythingunder doesn't look like a rug anymore.
In fact, there's so much messunderneath it, and we can feel overwhelmed.
And if that's you, if you'vebeen just trying to keep on moving
forward, but you're carryingall this stuff from your past in
with you into today, myinvitation for you is to just pause
(46:08):
and stop and hand all of thatto Jesus and ask him to meet you
in the mess. Ask him to meetyou in the brokenness. Surrender
all the things that you wishyou weren't carrying. This idea that
you can just keep movingforward and none of your past will
(46:29):
travel with you. That's amyth. It's not true. But there's
hope. Because God can handleall of it. He can handle all the
mess. He can handle all theshame. He can handle all the things
that you wish weren't a partof your story. So my hope this week
is that you would continue tocollide with Jesus and allow him
(46:51):
to enter into those brokenplaces and that you would experience
his beauty. So, friend, if youlisten to this podcast and you think
that there's a friend of yoursthat you care about that needs to
hear this message, just goahead and share it. Just the simple
act of sharing can blesssomeone else's day. And I will catch
(47:12):
you next week. Keep colliding.
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