June 25, 2025 • 45 mins
In today’s world, raising confident, faith-rooted daughters can feel overwhelming. Parents often struggle to guide their girls toward a faith that’s truly their own—especially amid the noise of culture, peer pressure, and internal insecurity. How do we parent with purpose and help our daughters build their identity on something unshakeable?
About the Guest:
Nellie Harden is a wife, mother of four daughters, trauma survivor, family life and leadership coach, and passionate advocate for raising girls with a strong foundation of worth, esteem, and confidence. With a background that spans from studying humpback whales to human behavior, Nellie brings a unique and deeply insightful lens to parenting and leadership. She is the author of 40 Scriptures & Conversations to Have When Raising Daughters and No Problem Parenting Book. When she’s not coaching or writing, she’s off adventuring with her husband and four daughters—her #happyharden crew.
Key Takeaways:
- Your daughter’s faith can’t be forced—but it can be formed through how you model your own dependence on Jesus
- The first 6570 days of a child’s life are critical for shaping her identity, values, and confidence
- A parent’s role isn’t to prevent every mistake, but to provide a safe, Christ-centered foundation where daughters can grow and return to truth
- Scripture and guided conversations are powerful tools for navigating modern challenges in parenting girls
- Parents need support too—and building your own foundation of worth and purpose is just as vital
How This Helps You:
If you’ve ever wondered how to lead your daughter toward owning her own faith instead of simply mimicking yours, this conversation is for you. Nellie’s wisdom will challenge, encourage, and equip you to have intentional faith-building conversations, model dependence on Jesus, and steward your daughter's heart during the most formative years of her life.
Our All the Best Devotional will help you connect with Jesus and find peace and restoration. Through guided reflection on the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10, you'll gain insight into how to overcome distractions, worry, comparison, and more.
Connect with Nellie: Website
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:14):
Welcome to the CollidePodcast. This is Willow Weston. I
hope you are having a killerday. I am. And, you know, sometimes
you just need to have a goodday. You need to feel like you're,
you know, you're rocking it.Anyhow, I just got done interviewing
(00:34):
Nellie Harden, and she's amother of four daughters, and she
is a wife, a trauma survivor.She's passionate about family, she's
a leadership coach, and she'swritten a couple parenting books.
So if you are a parent today,if you're a mama, this might be one
you want to listen to. Sheshares about her story of find Jesus
(01:01):
while she already had kiddosand how that sort of changed the
trajectory of their entirefamily. And we talk about the power
of conversation. We talk aboutsome of her advice on what it looks
like to invite kids into theirown faith and all sorts of things
(01:23):
she's learned along the waysince following Jesus and raising
for kiddos. So take a listen,Nellie. I've said your name, like,
ten times before now. Causeit's such a fun name. It's so fun
to have you on the podcast today.
Oh, thank you so much forhaving me. And ironically, I love
your name, too. And I actuallyhave four daughters, and Willow was
(01:47):
always on our list of names tohave for our daughters, but every
time one came out, it justwasn't the one for them.
I just didn't make the cut, man.
Well, you obviously made thecut for a Willow. Just none of mine
made the cut to be named Willow.
You know, it's funny, becausethis family I lived with in college,
(02:11):
when I moved out, they were soexcited to tell me that they named
their new puppy after me. Iwas like, I'm not sure that's a compliment.
Like, you're naming me afteran animal. That's like pooping and
peeing all over in your housewhen that's not supposed to, but.
Cool. Anyways, what's thestory? How did you get your name?
(02:31):
So, you know, I'm older. So itwas back before the days of ultrasounds.
You know, I'm in my mid-40s.And so anyway, my mom.
You're saying that likeyou're, like, 95.
Well. Well, I'm 46. Just soeveryone knows I'm not a person.
(02:51):
Ashamed of myself. Yes. No. Soback in 1970, when I was born. But
anyway, mom didn't know thatshe didn't have an ultrasound. So
they just were convinced thatI was a boy. And so then here I come,
and I came in with a Storm,because labor for three days and
(03:13):
everything. And I was actuallytechnically stillborn. The cord was
wrapped around my face andneck, and they lost a pulse and all
the things that had to betaken by emergency cesarean. So mom
was put out, like, out out bythe time I was born. And here I come
out, and they resuscitated me,and I was a girl. And so my mom comes
(03:35):
out of anesthesia. And my dad.My dad was like, doreen is my mom's
name. He's like, hey, Doreen.So it's a girl, and can we name her
Nelda after my sister? And mymom's like, she has his face like,
what? And Nelda, because hehad a sister that had passed away
when she was young namedNelda. And it's an Irish. And my
(03:59):
mom said, only if we can callher Nellie will I name her Nelda.
And so he's like, okay. SoI've been Nelly my whole life, but
yeah. Or been called Nelly mywhole life, but yeah. So funny story
how I came to be. Mom wasloopy on anesthesia, and I came to
be Nelly.
(04:19):
So you got your name becauseyour mom was on drug.
Yes. Perfect.
I probably did, too. No, I'mjust kidding. I love that. And I
love that I'm talking to amiracle. You are a miracle, and you're
here. And you yourself havehad four daughters. And I'm just
(04:39):
curious before we get intoyour passion on raising daughters,
because I think that's a lotof what we're going to talk about
today. Before you had kids,did you have a, like, life dream?
Like, I want to have a boy anda girl. I want to, you know, like,
I want to have this manychildren, or I don't want to have
kids, or. What was your. Whatwas your mindset on that?
(05:00):
What was the infamous plan?Yeah, well, so I met my husband when
I was 18, actually, secondsemester, freshman year of college.
And I remember one of our veryfirst times that we were talking
on the phone. That's somethingwe did back then. Talk on the phone,
you know, and so we were talking.
(05:20):
You still are. No, there wereno phones when you were born. You're
young lady.
Oh, my gosh. So funny. Youcould tell. I spend my life with
teenagers that are like, youwere born in the 1900s. Oh, my goodness,
you're so old. But anyway, soI was. We were talking, and we said
(05:41):
how great it would be to havethree, adopt two. And that just kind
of became the underlying, youknow, kind of unspoken plan for a
while. But then you know, fouryears later we got married and then
we started trying to have kidsa few years after that. And then
(06:01):
we ended up going throughinfertility issues and it was just
a bunch of pendulum swings,let's just say one after the other
and many others in there aswell. We almost lost my husband in
there and just a lot of thingshappening. And so then I had our
first daughter and then I gotpregnant with twins and then I was
(06:23):
like, well, I think feel likeI'm supposed to have three actual
pregnancies and go through afull pregnancy. I did lose one early
on, and so we just didn't doanything. And then I ended up having
another daughter. So I waslike, well, I guess this is what
it is. And honestly, by thetime we had the sonogram with the
fourth, I was like, it betterbe a girl because I don't even know,
(06:45):
you know, what we're going todo if this is a boy at this point.
I have everything ready. Let's go.
So I was wondering if it justgot to a point of humorous like,
well, of course it's a girl.
Yeah. Definitely make girlspresumptive humor. Yes.
Girl family.
Yeah.
Yeah. So you have fourdaughters. How old are you kids?
(07:06):
I mean, has estrogen takenover your household?
1,000%. Yes. So I have fourdaughters, all between 15 and 20
right now. So the last severalyears have been estrogen drenched
in our home for sure. Myoldest daughter is off in college
and she is living there, has asummer job and everything. And then
(07:29):
my three that are here, two,the twins are 17 and my youngest
is 15. So, yes, to answer yourquestion, yeah.
I'm going to put your husbandon my prayer list.
He would appreciate that. Hereally would.
I'm just kidding. Let's talkabout this. You wrote a book called
40 Scriptures andConversations to have When Raising
(07:52):
Daughters. Tell us how youmoved from I am a mom of four daughters
to I have such a passion aboutraising daughters that I want to
share that with other people.
Well, I think that actuallystarts with a circle of truth that's
even outside of that. So myhusband and I both grew up in secular
(08:15):
homes, did not have anyguidance with faith growing up. And
it wasn't until after all ofour children were born in about 2010
that we went to church for thefirst time. And so my kids were all
born between 05 and 09. Andthen Christmas of 2010, someone invited
(08:37):
us to church. And 2010 was adifficult year. My husband had heart
surgery. We almost lost him inApril and then in July, one of my
twins drown in my in lawspool. And we were able to bring her
back, but it was just thismiracle of miracles, you know, that
she's here today, but that shesurvived that day. And so then, and
(09:03):
unbeknownst to me, my husbandwas, you know, I'm home deep, you
know, drenched in kids and myhusband's at work and he is going
on lunch outings or whateverwith a friend of ours who is a believer
and he was debating againstthe Bible with her and he was just
(09:24):
going back and forth and. Andyou know, Jesus was a cool dude that
lived some time but you know,he wasn't real, whatever. And then
finally he ran out ofammunition because he. It was short
lived, you know, and he said,why don't you just let me read the
Bible and then I'll be able tohave more to talk to you about. And
our friend Angela was like,okay, sounds good. So she gives him
(09:45):
the Bible and then he'sreading that again. Unbeknownst to
me, I have no idea what'sgoing on, I'm just with K. And he
read through Matthew, Mark,and got halfway through Luke and
went over to her desk andsaid, never mind, you're completely
right. And then that night hecame home and said, you know, I think
we need to start saying thisthing called grace before we eat
(10:08):
and seeing if we can find achurch. And I was like, okay. So
that story of my name comingto be, my dad, who named me after
his sister, my dad passed awayjust less than a year after he named
me, after I was born. So hewas in a car accident and he passed
(10:29):
away. And so I've always justkind of had an interest in this unknown
tether to something, but Ididn't quite know what that was.
And so when he said, I thinkwe need to go to church, I was like,
okay, let's try this thingout. And we tried a couple and then
(10:53):
we finally, on Christmas Eveservice landed in one and the lights
went down. Emmanuel startedbeing sang. And I've been all in
ever since, and so has myhusband. And so, you know, I say
all of that to let everyoneknow who's listening in today, that
(11:13):
it wasn't the way I wasraised, it wasn't the. I was not
indoctrinated with things. Itwas truly a move of Christ himself
that got me to the place thatI needed to be in order to open the
door for him. And so forpeople listening, just to.
(11:34):
Kind of narrow this down tocontext, how old Were your kids when
you and your husband gave yourlives to Christ?
I would. So we started goingto church in 2010. Gave my life to
Christ. Would have been 2012.It was a very distinct night in February
of 2012. So then my kids wouldhave been 3, 5, and 7. 3, 5, 5 and
(11:59):
7.
Got it. I mean, I think it'simportant to hear because you are.
You already have kids andyou've already started raising your
kids without a world view andperspective drawn from Jesus, and
all of a sudden your life changes.
Yes.
And so tell us a little bitabout how you experienced this life
(12:22):
change and then you wanted totell your children about this God
that changed you.
Yeah. So, I mean, talk about acollision, right? I love the concept
of what you guys talk about onhere. So, yeah. I remember one time
early on, we were coming intothe church parking lot, so we went
there for Christmas. Great.Awesome. And then we missed a few
(12:44):
weeks because we're still, youknow, oh, well, it's Christmas time.
Why would we go to church? Imean, so funny looking back, right?
But so then we didn't go for afew weeks, and then we came back
and we were just toe, youknow, dipping our toes a little bit.
And then I love to serve. Thathas been a part of my life all my
(13:05):
life is serving others. And soI really got involved pretty quickly
with that. But we were pullingin one day and there's this big circle
drive. We were living inIndiana at the time, and my oldest
daughter, who would have beenthe most impacted by the shift, Right.
She looked at me and said, youknow, it just feels like home whenever
(13:29):
we're here. And I was like,she's right, it does. And so she
was six then, you know, at thetime. And that would have been 2011,
and she was 6. And for her tosay that and feel that and know that,
and we all got in to serve, somy husband and I set up weekend stuff.
(13:49):
And so they would come in too.So all six of us would go in and
serve together. And then wegot started in the Alpha program.
We all served together there.So even when the kids were little,
just in school, instillingthat being a servant heart was really,
really important for ourfamily. But then what happened is
(14:10):
I was not only at the point oflooking forward to, okay, this is
how I want to raise my kids. Ipersonally, as a woman, had to look
backward and say, wow, I lived30 some odd years without Christ.
I didn't know. And look whathappened. The I went to because of
(14:32):
that. And what do I do withthat now that I do have Christ with
me? And so for me, thatfreshman year of college, I met my
husband. Second semester,well, first semester was a wholly
hot mess, we'll just put itthat way. I had no identity when
my parents dropped me off anddrove the seven hours home. And so
(14:55):
I just clung to anything Icould find and chased my worth anywhere
I could find it, which was insome not so great places. And that
led to a lot of hurt anddestruction for myself. And I carried
that for all those years. Whathappened in just eight to 10 weeks
(15:15):
of my freshman year ofcollege, before I completely shut
down and was doing laundry onThursday, Friday, Saturday nights
while everyone else was out,that I carried with me for decades,
at least a decade and a halfby the time this had happened. And
so. And we started going tochurch. So then it was a moment where
(15:38):
Jesus was colliding with mystory, and I had to make some decisions
about who I was going to beand who I could be for my daughters.
And that required me to lay mystory at the feet of Christ, which
was the hardest thing I mighthave ever done up. Well, it was the
(16:01):
hardest thing I had ever doneup until that point. Because when
you live with shame and guiltand resentment for that long, it
just has a way of sewingitself into your DNA, and you don't
know who you are without it.Even though it's not a good thing,
it's a bad thing, but youdon't know who you are without it,
(16:22):
so you cling to it that muchharder. And one night on a discipleship
walk, I was sitting there, itwas late, everyone else had gone
to bed or what have you. And Iwas staring at this flame, and I
was really in this wrestlingwith what I thought was a wrestling
with Christ, but truly, I wasreally wrestling with myself. And
(16:46):
he was just like, I'm here.Let me take it. And I was like, no,
no, no. I need to hold this. Ineed to hold onto this. I don't know
who I am without it. I'mscared to live without it. He's like,
just give it to me. I'm righthere. And so I finally relinquished
it. And that was the momentthat I gave my life over to Christ
and was able to stop lookingbackward and start to be able to
(17:11):
look forward much more than Iwas before.
I love that so much. And Ithink, and I can so resonate with
this in my own story, that mypast wasn't left in the past. It
traveled with me into everyroom I walked into every relationship
I entered into.
(17:34):
Are you feeling overwhelmedand pulled in a hundred different
directions? Do you strugglewith comparison, perfectionism and
managing the constant hustle?Do you feel like you're failing to
hold everything together?Maybe it's time to take a step back
and focus on what's trulyimportant. We have gathered wisdom
(17:55):
and insights from a group ofamazing women to create a seven part
devotional called all the Bestthat will help you connect with Jesus
and find peace andrestoration. Through guided reflection
on the story of Mary andMartha in Luke 10, you'll gain insight
into how to overcomedistractions, worry, comparison and
more. This devotional willhelp you understand what Jesus meant
(18:18):
when he said she has chosenwhat is best. Don't wait any longer
to invest in your relationshipwith Jesus. Order our devotional
today and discover the joy andpeace that comes from choosing what
is best. Click on the link inthe show notes to grab your copy
of our all the Best devotional today.
(18:41):
I love that so much and Ithink, and I can so resonate with
this in my own story, that mypast wasn't left in the past. It
traveled with me into everyroom I walked into, every relationship
I entered into, every dream Iself sabotaged. It literally followed
(19:05):
me until I had these radicalhealing moments with Jesus where
he sent the shame packing. Hereminded me that he forgave me. And
like you said, you'rewrestling with yourself. We have
to forgive ourselves. Anduntil he started healing places in
me. And some of that stuffreally comes out when you're a parent,
(19:29):
like oh wow, my past is withme in this, in this moment with this
kid. You know what I mean? Andso I love that you allowed Jesus
to meet you there, that youhad this crash course collision with
him. The other thing I thinkis really interesting to me and I'd
love to hear what you thinkabout this, but you modeled for your
(19:50):
children without even trying ahumility, you modeled a surrender.
You modeled a willingness tofollow Jesus and be transformed by
him in front of your children.Now you have kids who are young adults.
I mean they're almost. Ifthey're not young adults, they're
(20:11):
going to be young adults in acouple years. But some of them are
young adults. What do youthink them watching this transformation
of their parents, beingwilling to be shaped and refined
and surrendered before Jesusdid for their own faith.
I think it made them see, andthis is something that I talk and
teach on too, is it's soimportant to make your faith your
(20:35):
own before you leave home. Ifyou can and not just be on holding
on to your parents faithbecause that's not going to be strong
enough when you're in thetrenches, right? And so I think it
helped them see how to maketheir faith their own, how to have
their own own understanding ofChrist and go to Christ with what
(20:57):
they need. Because I had to goto Christ with what I need. And it
was different than what myhusband needed or anyone else needed.
And one of the most healingfor myself, but also teaching moments
for my daughters was on my45th birthday. I took all of my daughters
upstairs and we have twowraparound porches up and downstairs.
(21:19):
So I took them to the topporch and I just sat them all down.
Funny enough, one of themsaid, are you. I was like, oh, sister,
no, no, no.
With a boy?
Yeah, surprise. I was like,no. But during that time I sat them
down and they had inklings ofmy testimony and things, but I just
(21:42):
sat them down and told themeverything. And the shaping that
happened once I opened thedoor to Christ, right? And how that
happens, right? I stand at thedoor and knock and he who hears gets
and opens the door, right? Wehave to be able to hear him, right?
We need to be able to decideto get up and walk to the door and
(22:03):
we need to decide to open thedoor and all those things. I was
able to show them how you dothat on a personal level for you
and your story and yourexperiences and your testimony. And
so that was a really specialmoment that we were able to have
together, just the five of usgirls, my four daughters and I up
(22:23):
on that porch. And so yeah, Ithink just being able to see life
is hard sometimes. And I amnot perfect, absolutely not. And
I don't expect them to beperfect either. But how you rise
up when you fall and who youseek in order to help you rise up,
(22:44):
those were lessons that I wasable to share with them.
And what made you move from.I've experienced, experienced Jesus
in my life and him helping meparent and raise my daughters to
I want to help coach and helpother people.
That was actually a day I was,I was sitting in church and this
(23:06):
was in 2012, but later on inthe year and at this point, so, you
know, I mentioned some thingswith my husband and his surgery and
everything. He went into ICUfor the first time in 08 and then
we went through all of thistransformative process and he had
surgery in 2010. And we werestill dealing with a couple of things
after. And so we were healingourselves physically, emotionally,
(23:29):
mentally and spiritually forbetween 08 and 2012. And so I was
sitting in church one day andI'm looking at the pastor. It was
a very large church, andthere's a cross on either side of
me on the walls andeverything. And I just plainly heard,
you have helped yourself, nowgo help others. And I walked out
(23:52):
and I was, I told my husband,I was like, I think I'm supposed
to go in and help teach peoplesome of the transformations in family
disciplines, positive familydisciplines we've done. And he's
like, what? I was like, notreally sure yet. I'll get back to
you. But I feel like this issomewhere that I need to go. And
so it really starteddeveloping then. Now my entire background
(24:14):
is in biology and psychology,and so. And I've worked in different
areas with that. And I love toknow what's physically happening
and how that manifests intobehavior and decision making and
things. So I have a lot ofthat background already. But then
applying it toward my personalfamily during some very, very critical
(24:36):
and profound times, but thenturning around and being able to
do that for others, because Ijust see so many young women being
released out into the worldinstead of being launched out into
the world, and they don't havethe foundation that is going to support
them for life. And so that wasreally what ignited me, sitting in
(24:59):
church, being told that andthen just observing and looking around
and saying, okay, we need toget this message out there.
Let's talk to some of the momslistening who are raising daughters.
And it's extremelychallenging. I mean, the things coming
at our kids are so muchdifferent than the things that came
(25:22):
at us when, you know, we wereliving in 1875. And I'm curious,
when you think about thosepeople listening who are just exhausted
and feel unequipped and feellike the game changes every week,
(25:44):
what's your advice for, like,hey, here's a few of my, my go to
advice for women who arefinding this raising daughter thing
really challenging.
Okay, first of all, it isreally challenging. So it's not just
you that's listening to this.It is very challenging and you are
validated in every way, everymoment. And something that has really
(26:11):
helped me is understandingthat we as women, you know, we are
vessels that carry so much.Right. And we need to make sure that
our vessels are well equippedfor that. And many times, because
of our childhood, our first6,570 days thereabouts. Right. There
(26:32):
can be some cracks in therebecause so much of our life is based
off of how we were raised andthe experiences we've had since then.
So I really look at it likethis when, you know, there's a few
references in the Bible abouthow God is the potter and we are
the clay, right? Well, whenwe're raising our children, we are
(26:55):
partnered with God in beingthe partner for that clay. And. And
the clay itself alreadyexists, right? It's already there.
That is our worth. Our worthis already there. And this goes for
you as a parent, as a mom, andit also goes toward what you can
teach your daughter. So it'salready there. And there's five elements
(27:17):
that are in that clay that areabsolutely musts, and that is to
be seen and heard and lovedand belong and have purpose. Those
are the five elements of worththat literally always have been,
are, and will be. And that iswhat that clay is made out of, that
will eventually, after we gothrough the refining process and
(27:40):
the techniques, and then fireit and build resilience in it. But
the clay itself is built outof those five elements. And here's
the thing. Jesus first lovedus, sees us, hears us, we belong
to him, and he gives uspurpose. But in this world, we need
to like, as a parent, we areintroducing our child and making
(28:03):
that connection to Christ. Sowe need to be. They need to see the
Christ in us so that we canintroduce them to that Christ, right?
And so with that, there's alsoshadow sides, like there always is,
right? Because if, if. AndI've done so much research, and I
would love to hear your take.If there's anything that you've ever
(28:24):
heard that lands outside ofthis, please let me know. But every
issue for women up to 105, allthe way down, and especially our
adolescents today come fromthe shadow sides of these elements,
meaning they're not beingseen. They feel invisible, right?
They feel unappreciated. Theshadow side of being heard is to
(28:47):
be silenced or to feel likeyou're being ignored or not to feel
loved, right? Not to feel. Youmaybe even feel loathed. If to someone
that is feeling that way, I'dmocked whatever when they go to school
or somewhere else. And thenthere is belonging. And our kids
(29:07):
aren't feeling like theybelong and there's purpose and they
just think, you know, it's.There's no point, it's meaningless.
But those shadow sides arewhere we are finding all of our problems.
I am yet to find a problemthat lies outside of there. So if
we can then take and make surethat our kids are being seen, heard,
(29:27):
loved, belong, and havepurpose. We are building up that
clay and helping them see thatand building their worth. And so
that is just something that'sso easy to remember, seen, heard,
love, belong, purpose. Andwhen you see things, maybe your kid
comes home and they're makingsome snide remarks to you or what
(29:48):
have you. There's a reason forthat. They didn't come home and be
like, I want to make my mom'sworld really difficult today. Right.
That's not the reason theycame home. And they are upset about,
you know, something Patricksaid to them in second hour today
when they were ignored andthey don't feel very worthy right
now. And they come home to thesafe place that they have, and they
(30:11):
know that they can safely takethat out on you, and you need to
talk to them, hey, it's notokay, but what's going on? What's
going on? I know you didn'tmean that. I'm sorry if, you know,
you're not having a great day,but how can I help you? How can I
serve you right? And that alsogoes vice versa, which is something
that I think so many parentsmiss today is the wisdom that our
(30:35):
kids have and us speaking intoappropriately, of course. You know,
I'm not having a great dayeither today. Someone at, you know,
in the school line orwhatever, you know, said this to
me, and it really stunk. So Idon't know, I'm just feeling kind
of down and I don't reallyfeel like, you know, people appreciate
all the things that I do forthem at the school and just having
(30:56):
those conversations becausethey can learn so much from your
struggles, too.
I'm curious. You talk aboutthese. I think you said five things.
How effective is it to remindyour kids of these sort of truths?
(31:19):
God loves you, you alreadybelong to God. All of these things
if you yourself struggle tobelieve them. Like, how important
is the work to make sure thatyou have a strong foundation, that
you have your confidence inthe Lord, that you believe these
truths? Because I find a lotof people. I mean, I've done it myself
(31:41):
and I've seen it in otherpeople. It's like you can't sit there
and tell your daughter thatshe's fearfully and wonderfully made,
but then sit there and rip onyour body every single day in front
of her. So how important haveyou found is the work of. When you
want to raise a confidentdaughter, you need to work on your
(32:02):
own confidence with the Lordas well. Or. Or have you found it
is possible to be like, I'mdeeply insecure. But I'm going to
try to help you be confident.
Okay? So I've walked thisline. I had to heal myself as I was
teaching these things to mydaughter. Daughters. And so it is
absolutely possible. What itrequires is vulnerability and honesty.
(32:29):
And so it is very possible toknow a truth without submitting to
it. Okay. And so, I mean, wesee this with the fallen angels.
I mean, they, you know, theywere with God, and they still felt.
They knew he was God. Theyknew everything, and they still felt
right. They weren't submittingto him. And you see it many times
(32:51):
throughout Scripture. But I'mreading through Exodus right now,
and there's, you know, Pharaohthat was like, you know, Moses is
like, let my people go. AndPharaoh's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, just kidding. I'm notgonna do that. But by the way, can
you pray for me? And I waslike, what? Pharaoh's sitting there
asking for prayer, you know,so it is very possible to know truth
(33:12):
but not submit to it. But youneed to be vulnerable to that, especially
when raising your daughter. Sowhat that looks like is you are beautifully
and wonderfully made. And Iknow that that is absolute truth
for you and for me. I'mstruggling with that, but I don't
want you to struggle withthat. Like, I struggle with that.
So we know this is truth. Canyou help me? If you hear me saying
(33:37):
something, call me out onthat, because I don't want that to
be what you're hearing, and Idon't want that to be what I'm hearing
from myself either. Go throughit together. That is so powerful
to do as a family. Because afamily is a team, right? Parents
are team leaders. Absolutely.But a family is a team. And when
you can say, you, my daughter,are worthy enough to step up and
(34:02):
help me through this, that issuch a powerful move. And you are
telling them that they areworthy, that they matter. Right?
Their words, their opinions,their. Their guidance matters. And
so you can really build themup through your insecurities and
through your struggles thatyou have, too, by doing it together.
(34:24):
You mentioned a while back theimportance of inviting a kid into
their own faith. I so agreewith that. And I think maybe, and
it sounds weird to say, butone of the gifts of not knowing Christ
growing up is that my faithvery much became my own. So when
I became a parent, I so wantedmy kids to know Jesus, but I. I was
(34:49):
very aware that that had to betheir own decision. And so there
were some probably differentvalues or ways I went about talking
about my faith with them thanmaybe I would have had. I had a different
experience. I'm curious foryou. What do you think you did that
you would do again that helpedinvite your kids into their own faith?
(35:13):
Hmm. Well, so. And I'm notsaying that you need to have this,
but we homeschooled for sevenyears, and so something that we were
able to do just because we hadthat freedom. And now I don't homeschool.
All my kids are in school. Andwe still have found a way to shape
that freedom. But during thoseyears when we were just having those
(35:35):
conversations, going throughand having family Bible studies and
open discussions of. So whatdo you think about that? It wasn't
just firehose teaching. Itwasn't, let me tell you what's going
on here. And you learn thisand then repeat it back to me in
a memorization style. It wasan open, hearty discussion. And when
(35:57):
they had questions, especiallythe hard questions, we would just
look into it together. Right.And it's okay. It's definitely okay.
And you want to be able tosay, I don't know. I don't know the
answer to that. That's areally good question. And I often
have things that I call throneroom questions. I'm like, I just
really don't know. That's athrone room question I'm gonna have
(36:19):
to ask later on, you know, andmaking sure that your kids know that
you don't have all theanswers, but you are willing to look
it up and you are willing tohave faith that even when you don't
have the answer, God does, andthat's okay. And so that would be
something that I would justreally recommend is having open dialogue
(36:41):
about these things, having.There's so many wonderful books out
there. The Bible, of course,being number one. But even more,
there's one called the Story.It's the Bible in a novel form that
you can go through or you candeep dive into some of the women
of the Bible and just havethose discussions. Why do you think
(37:01):
she did that? What do youthink God was doing here to prepare
the way for her? What do youthink? What was her decision process
here? Just asking thequestions and seeing what they come
up with and having that backand forth, it helps them own it for
themselves and know it for themselves.
(37:24):
When you think back onparenting for girls, do you have
any regrets that you. If youcould go back, you're like, oh, I
learned my lesson on this one.And this is what I like to, like,
share with other moms.
So Many. So many, so many. Andyou know what? I am not a person.
(37:48):
And that's like, oh, noregrets, you know? No, I have regrets.
And I think it's important tohave regrets because that means that
I am a different person todaythan I was then, even yesterday.
And I learned from what I didand the mistakes I made in order
to become a better version ofmyself. And I think that's important
(38:09):
for our kids to see, too. So Iwould say some, especially me not
growing up in a Christianenvironment and growing up in a very,
very secular environment. Iwould say one of the biggest things
I regret was the entertainmentthat we let our kids watch and be
a part of even early on, andsome of the content that was in those
(38:32):
things. And it's not somethingI would have thought twice about
growing up seeing. Right. Iremember going and seeing Freddy
Krueger when I was 6 years oldat the movie theater. Right. And
so. But. And, oh, so many, somany thoughts. Traffic jam. So. So.
But there was some shows, eventheir, you know, funny shows or what
(38:56):
have you, that some of thecontent, I was like, oh, I really
wish we wouldn't have, youknow, done that, especially during
this very impressionable ageand not had the discussions about
it. Just chalking it up. As anadult, you can chalk it up to, oh,
that's a funny show. Butthat's not necessarily what they
are seeing. They're seeingsome of the storylines, and when
you laugh at something on thetv because as an adult, you're just
(39:19):
laughing at the surface joke,they think your laughter is acceptance
of the storyline that ishappening. And so that is a distinction.
I really wish I would haveknown, you know, earlier on, but
I didn't know what I didn'tknow, and now I know better. So all
I can do now is talk to themabout those regrets, Right? And not
(39:42):
sweep them under the rug, buttalk to them. You know, I do regret,
you know, having us watch thisbecause I think that you guys saw
some storylines that youthought I was condoning or I was
okay with that. I reallywasn't. It was just a funny part
as someone made a, you know, afunny quip in the show. So that would
be one of the biggest thingsthat come to mind right.
(40:03):
Away when you think about someof the best advice you yourself have
been given when it comes toraising daughters. What comes to
mind?
Oh, gosh, I don't know. Thissounds terrible, but I don't know
if I've gotten a lot of greatadvice about raising daughters, because
(40:26):
when I say I have fourdaughters. The 90% reaction is, oh,
my goodness, I'm so sorry.That is what I get all the time,
is, oh, I'm so sorry. But, youknow, there is occasionally someone
that will come by, and it'ssuch a breath of fresh air when they're
like, wow, what a beautifulgift that you have to see the beginning
(40:51):
of four young women's lives.Right. And that just helps me stop
and cherish. And it's so true.It is so true. You know, no one knows
a daughter quite like aparent, and honestly, especially
as a mom, to see her from hervery beginning to where she is and
(41:12):
where she's going. And it is atrue gift to be able to experience
that whole process, even inthe valleys. And there is always
going to be valleys, but youget to see the hills, too. So, yeah,
it's a beautiful process. AndI love that reminder when I get that.
Yeah, you wrote this book, 40Scriptures and Conversations. It
(41:36):
seems like you're elevatingthe power of conversation with daughters
as we kind of come to a closeon this podcast. I'm just curious
if you have any. Here's mybest advice for having conversations
with your daughters and whythey're important.
(41:58):
Yeah, well, here's the thing.If you don't, someone else will.
And today, that someone couldbe a tangible person next to them,
or it could be someone thatyou or they will never even meet.
And so it's really importantthat you have these conversations
with them. From the surfacethings to the really deep things,
(42:19):
to the controversial things,to the hard things and all the things
in between. If you're nothaving these conversations, someone
else is. I promise you,they're not not being had. So if
you want to be, I have a signin the other room that says if you
want to be a part of yourchildren's memories, you need to
(42:41):
be in their lives today. And Iwould say that goes with the wisdom
that they're building, too.Right. If you want, you know, the
wisdom of your child toinclude good guidance, then you need
to be in there giving the goodguidance. And it's not easy, and
it's hard and it'suncomfortable sometimes, but if you
don't, who will? That alwaysjust comes back to me. If you don't,
(43:03):
who will? So, yeah, get inthere. Be calm. Remember that their.
I told you, my background's inbiology, too. Their brain is not
fully formed yet, and it willnot be until their mid-20s. And so.
So real quickly, if you thinkabout how you feel on your stressed
(43:25):
day and your brain is a littlesporadic and what you're doing is
your frontal lobe is shut offand you're relying on your amygdala,
your emotional center at theback, which is more primitive. That
is how they live every momentright now because their frontal lobe
is under construction. Theyare relying on that. So how you feel
when you're stressed is howthey live every day. And when you
(43:46):
understand that, you can havemore empathy towards why are they
making that crazy choice? Whydid they think that way? What are
they doing? They are not anadult yet and they have a ways to
go, but you can be a part ofthe shaping to get them there.
Such a good reminder, Nellie.I know there's lots of mamas who
are going to want to spendtime with you. How can they do that?
(44:09):
Absolutely. Well, my websiteis where you will find everything.
I like to make it a one stopshop. You can find our online communities
on Instagram and Facebook onthere as well as the books and resources.
Everything is available to youthere and I would love to interact
with all of you throughInstagram or through my weekly articles
(44:31):
that come out.
So I love it so much. Thankyou for being on.
Oh thank you so much forhaving me.
Hey friend. I hope it'sencouraging to hear not only how
the Lord can get ahold of alife and change it, but also just
to be encouraged that mommingis hard, but God is right there with
(44:54):
you as you do it. And I knowI've experienced in my own hard mom
days and hard mom seasons justhow the Lord has come in and healed
me and shaved me and refinedme and pointed me towards my own
need to believe in truth as Iwas trying to pass those on to my
(45:14):
kiddos and and he's just init. He's in the mix and I hope you
can be encouraged by that. Ifyou need more mom resources, we have
those on our website. Makesure you go hop on there. wecollide.net,
I thin we have some free momdevos, we have a ton of other momming
(45:35):
podcasts and freebies, etcetera. So check it out and I will
catch you next week. Keepcolliding, friend.
Welcome to the CollidePodcast. This is Willow Weston. I
hope you are having a killerday. I am. And, you know, sometimes
you just need to have a goodday. You need to feel like you're,
you know, you're rocking it.Anyhow, I just got done interviewing
(00:34):
Nellie Harden, and she's amother of four daughters, and she
is a wife, a trauma survivor.She's passionate about family, she's
a leadership coach, and she'swritten a couple parenting books.
So if you are a parent today,if you're a mama, this might be one
you want to listen to. Sheshares about her story of find Jesus
(01:01):
while she already had kiddosand how that sort of changed the
trajectory of their entirefamily. And we talk about the power
of conversation. We talk aboutsome of her advice on what it looks
like to invite kids into theirown faith and all sorts of things
(01:23):
she's learned along the waysince following Jesus and raising
for kiddos. So take a listen,Nellie. I've said your name, like,
ten times before now. Causeit's such a fun name. It's so fun
to have you on the podcast today.
Oh, thank you so much forhaving me. And ironically, I love
your name, too. And I actuallyhave four daughters, and Willow was
(01:47):
always on our list of names tohave for our daughters, but every
time one came out, it justwasn't the one for them.
I just didn't make the cut, man.
Well, you obviously made thecut for a Willow. Just none of mine
made the cut to be named Willow.
You know, it's funny, becausethis family I lived with in college,
(02:11):
when I moved out, they were soexcited to tell me that they named
their new puppy after me. Iwas like, I'm not sure that's a compliment.
Like, you're naming me afteran animal. That's like pooping and
peeing all over in your housewhen that's not supposed to, but.
Cool. Anyways, what's thestory? How did you get your name?
(02:31):
So, you know, I'm older. So itwas back before the days of ultrasounds.
You know, I'm in my mid-40s.And so anyway, my mom.
You're saying that likeyou're, like, 95.
Well. Well, I'm 46. Just soeveryone knows I'm not a person.
(02:51):
Ashamed of myself. Yes. No. Soback in 1970, when I was born. But
anyway, mom didn't know thatshe didn't have an ultrasound. So
they just were convinced thatI was a boy. And so then here I come,
and I came in with a Storm,because labor for three days and
(03:13):
everything. And I was actuallytechnically stillborn. The cord was
wrapped around my face andneck, and they lost a pulse and all
the things that had to betaken by emergency cesarean. So mom
was put out, like, out out bythe time I was born. And here I come
out, and they resuscitated me,and I was a girl. And so my mom comes
(03:35):
out of anesthesia. And my dad.My dad was like, doreen is my mom's
name. He's like, hey, Doreen.So it's a girl, and can we name her
Nelda after my sister? And mymom's like, she has his face like,
what? And Nelda, because hehad a sister that had passed away
when she was young namedNelda. And it's an Irish. And my
(03:59):
mom said, only if we can callher Nellie will I name her Nelda.
And so he's like, okay. SoI've been Nelly my whole life, but
yeah. Or been called Nelly mywhole life, but yeah. So funny story
how I came to be. Mom wasloopy on anesthesia, and I came to
be Nelly.
(04:19):
So you got your name becauseyour mom was on drug.
Yes. Perfect.
I probably did, too. No, I'mjust kidding. I love that. And I
love that I'm talking to amiracle. You are a miracle, and you're
here. And you yourself havehad four daughters. And I'm just
(04:39):
curious before we get intoyour passion on raising daughters,
because I think that's a lotof what we're going to talk about
today. Before you had kids,did you have a, like, life dream?
Like, I want to have a boy anda girl. I want to, you know, like,
I want to have this manychildren, or I don't want to have
kids, or. What was your. Whatwas your mindset on that?
(05:00):
What was the infamous plan?Yeah, well, so I met my husband when
I was 18, actually, secondsemester, freshman year of college.
And I remember one of our veryfirst times that we were talking
on the phone. That's somethingwe did back then. Talk on the phone,
you know, and so we were talking.
(05:20):
You still are. No, there wereno phones when you were born. You're
young lady.
Oh, my gosh. So funny. Youcould tell. I spend my life with
teenagers that are like, youwere born in the 1900s. Oh, my goodness,
you're so old. But anyway, soI was. We were talking, and we said
(05:41):
how great it would be to havethree, adopt two. And that just kind
of became the underlying, youknow, kind of unspoken plan for a
while. But then you know, fouryears later we got married and then
we started trying to have kidsa few years after that. And then
(06:01):
we ended up going throughinfertility issues and it was just
a bunch of pendulum swings,let's just say one after the other
and many others in there aswell. We almost lost my husband in
there and just a lot of thingshappening. And so then I had our
first daughter and then I gotpregnant with twins and then I was
(06:23):
like, well, I think feel likeI'm supposed to have three actual
pregnancies and go through afull pregnancy. I did lose one early
on, and so we just didn't doanything. And then I ended up having
another daughter. So I waslike, well, I guess this is what
it is. And honestly, by thetime we had the sonogram with the
fourth, I was like, it betterbe a girl because I don't even know,
(06:45):
you know, what we're going todo if this is a boy at this point.
I have everything ready. Let's go.
So I was wondering if it justgot to a point of humorous like,
well, of course it's a girl.
Yeah. Definitely make girlspresumptive humor. Yes.
Girl family.
Yeah.
Yeah. So you have fourdaughters. How old are you kids?
(07:06):
I mean, has estrogen takenover your household?
1,000%. Yes. So I have fourdaughters, all between 15 and 20
right now. So the last severalyears have been estrogen drenched
in our home for sure. Myoldest daughter is off in college
and she is living there, has asummer job and everything. And then
(07:29):
my three that are here, two,the twins are 17 and my youngest
is 15. So, yes, to answer yourquestion, yeah.
I'm going to put your husbandon my prayer list.
He would appreciate that. Hereally would.
I'm just kidding. Let's talkabout this. You wrote a book called
40 Scriptures andConversations to have When Raising
(07:52):
Daughters. Tell us how youmoved from I am a mom of four daughters
to I have such a passion aboutraising daughters that I want to
share that with other people.
Well, I think that actuallystarts with a circle of truth that's
even outside of that. So myhusband and I both grew up in secular
(08:15):
homes, did not have anyguidance with faith growing up. And
it wasn't until after all ofour children were born in about 2010
that we went to church for thefirst time. And so my kids were all
born between 05 and 09. Andthen Christmas of 2010, someone invited
(08:37):
us to church. And 2010 was adifficult year. My husband had heart
surgery. We almost lost him inApril and then in July, one of my
twins drown in my in lawspool. And we were able to bring her
back, but it was just thismiracle of miracles, you know, that
she's here today, but that shesurvived that day. And so then, and
(09:03):
unbeknownst to me, my husbandwas, you know, I'm home deep, you
know, drenched in kids and myhusband's at work and he is going
on lunch outings or whateverwith a friend of ours who is a believer
and he was debating againstthe Bible with her and he was just
(09:24):
going back and forth and. Andyou know, Jesus was a cool dude that
lived some time but you know,he wasn't real, whatever. And then
finally he ran out ofammunition because he. It was short
lived, you know, and he said,why don't you just let me read the
Bible and then I'll be able tohave more to talk to you about. And
our friend Angela was like,okay, sounds good. So she gives him
(09:45):
the Bible and then he'sreading that again. Unbeknownst to
me, I have no idea what'sgoing on, I'm just with K. And he
read through Matthew, Mark,and got halfway through Luke and
went over to her desk andsaid, never mind, you're completely
right. And then that night hecame home and said, you know, I think
we need to start saying thisthing called grace before we eat
(10:08):
and seeing if we can find achurch. And I was like, okay. So
that story of my name comingto be, my dad, who named me after
his sister, my dad passed awayjust less than a year after he named
me, after I was born. So hewas in a car accident and he passed
(10:29):
away. And so I've always justkind of had an interest in this unknown
tether to something, but Ididn't quite know what that was.
And so when he said, I thinkwe need to go to church, I was like,
okay, let's try this thingout. And we tried a couple and then
(10:53):
we finally, on Christmas Eveservice landed in one and the lights
went down. Emmanuel startedbeing sang. And I've been all in
ever since, and so has myhusband. And so, you know, I say
all of that to let everyoneknow who's listening in today, that
(11:13):
it wasn't the way I wasraised, it wasn't the. I was not
indoctrinated with things. Itwas truly a move of Christ himself
that got me to the place thatI needed to be in order to open the
door for him. And so forpeople listening, just to.
(11:34):
Kind of narrow this down tocontext, how old Were your kids when
you and your husband gave yourlives to Christ?
I would. So we started goingto church in 2010. Gave my life to
Christ. Would have been 2012.It was a very distinct night in February
of 2012. So then my kids wouldhave been 3, 5, and 7. 3, 5, 5 and
(11:59):
7.
Got it. I mean, I think it'simportant to hear because you are.
You already have kids andyou've already started raising your
kids without a world view andperspective drawn from Jesus, and
all of a sudden your life changes.
Yes.
And so tell us a little bitabout how you experienced this life
(12:22):
change and then you wanted totell your children about this God
that changed you.
Yeah. So, I mean, talk about acollision, right? I love the concept
of what you guys talk about onhere. So, yeah. I remember one time
early on, we were coming intothe church parking lot, so we went
there for Christmas. Great.Awesome. And then we missed a few
(12:44):
weeks because we're still, youknow, oh, well, it's Christmas time.
Why would we go to church? Imean, so funny looking back, right?
But so then we didn't go for afew weeks, and then we came back
and we were just toe, youknow, dipping our toes a little bit.
And then I love to serve. Thathas been a part of my life all my
(13:05):
life is serving others. And soI really got involved pretty quickly
with that. But we were pullingin one day and there's this big circle
drive. We were living inIndiana at the time, and my oldest
daughter, who would have beenthe most impacted by the shift, Right.
She looked at me and said, youknow, it just feels like home whenever
(13:29):
we're here. And I was like,she's right, it does. And so she
was six then, you know, at thetime. And that would have been 2011,
and she was 6. And for her tosay that and feel that and know that,
and we all got in to serve, somy husband and I set up weekend stuff.
(13:49):
And so they would come in too.So all six of us would go in and
serve together. And then wegot started in the Alpha program.
We all served together there.So even when the kids were little,
just in school, instillingthat being a servant heart was really,
really important for ourfamily. But then what happened is
(14:10):
I was not only at the point oflooking forward to, okay, this is
how I want to raise my kids. Ipersonally, as a woman, had to look
backward and say, wow, I lived30 some odd years without Christ.
I didn't know. And look whathappened. The I went to because of
(14:32):
that. And what do I do withthat now that I do have Christ with
me? And so for me, thatfreshman year of college, I met my
husband. Second semester,well, first semester was a wholly
hot mess, we'll just put itthat way. I had no identity when
my parents dropped me off anddrove the seven hours home. And so
(14:55):
I just clung to anything Icould find and chased my worth anywhere
I could find it, which was insome not so great places. And that
led to a lot of hurt anddestruction for myself. And I carried
that for all those years. Whathappened in just eight to 10 weeks
(15:15):
of my freshman year ofcollege, before I completely shut
down and was doing laundry onThursday, Friday, Saturday nights
while everyone else was out,that I carried with me for decades,
at least a decade and a halfby the time this had happened. And
so. And we started going tochurch. So then it was a moment where
(15:38):
Jesus was colliding with mystory, and I had to make some decisions
about who I was going to beand who I could be for my daughters.
And that required me to lay mystory at the feet of Christ, which
was the hardest thing I mighthave ever done up. Well, it was the
(16:01):
hardest thing I had ever doneup until that point. Because when
you live with shame and guiltand resentment for that long, it
just has a way of sewingitself into your DNA, and you don't
know who you are without it.Even though it's not a good thing,
it's a bad thing, but youdon't know who you are without it,
(16:22):
so you cling to it that muchharder. And one night on a discipleship
walk, I was sitting there, itwas late, everyone else had gone
to bed or what have you. And Iwas staring at this flame, and I
was really in this wrestlingwith what I thought was a wrestling
with Christ, but truly, I wasreally wrestling with myself. And
(16:46):
he was just like, I'm here.Let me take it. And I was like, no,
no, no. I need to hold this. Ineed to hold onto this. I don't know
who I am without it. I'mscared to live without it. He's like,
just give it to me. I'm righthere. And so I finally relinquished
it. And that was the momentthat I gave my life over to Christ
and was able to stop lookingbackward and start to be able to
(17:11):
look forward much more than Iwas before.
I love that so much. And Ithink, and I can so resonate with
this in my own story, that mypast wasn't left in the past. It
traveled with me into everyroom I walked into every relationship
I entered into.
(17:34):
Are you feeling overwhelmedand pulled in a hundred different
directions? Do you strugglewith comparison, perfectionism and
managing the constant hustle?Do you feel like you're failing to
hold everything together?Maybe it's time to take a step back
and focus on what's trulyimportant. We have gathered wisdom
(17:55):
and insights from a group ofamazing women to create a seven part
devotional called all the Bestthat will help you connect with Jesus
and find peace andrestoration. Through guided reflection
on the story of Mary andMartha in Luke 10, you'll gain insight
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(18:18):
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(18:41):
I love that so much and Ithink, and I can so resonate with
this in my own story, that mypast wasn't left in the past. It
traveled with me into everyroom I walked into, every relationship
I entered into, every dream Iself sabotaged. It literally followed
(19:05):
me until I had these radicalhealing moments with Jesus where
he sent the shame packing. Hereminded me that he forgave me. And
like you said, you'rewrestling with yourself. We have
to forgive ourselves. Anduntil he started healing places in
me. And some of that stuffreally comes out when you're a parent,
(19:29):
like oh wow, my past is withme in this, in this moment with this
kid. You know what I mean? Andso I love that you allowed Jesus
to meet you there, that youhad this crash course collision with
him. The other thing I thinkis really interesting to me and I'd
love to hear what you thinkabout this, but you modeled for your
(19:50):
children without even trying ahumility, you modeled a surrender.
You modeled a willingness tofollow Jesus and be transformed by
him in front of your children.Now you have kids who are young adults.
I mean they're almost. Ifthey're not young adults, they're
(20:11):
going to be young adults in acouple years. But some of them are
young adults. What do youthink them watching this transformation
of their parents, beingwilling to be shaped and refined
and surrendered before Jesusdid for their own faith.
I think it made them see, andthis is something that I talk and
teach on too, is it's soimportant to make your faith your
(20:35):
own before you leave home. Ifyou can and not just be on holding
on to your parents faithbecause that's not going to be strong
enough when you're in thetrenches, right? And so I think it
helped them see how to maketheir faith their own, how to have
their own own understanding ofChrist and go to Christ with what
(20:57):
they need. Because I had to goto Christ with what I need. And it
was different than what myhusband needed or anyone else needed.
And one of the most healingfor myself, but also teaching moments
for my daughters was on my45th birthday. I took all of my daughters
upstairs and we have twowraparound porches up and downstairs.
(21:19):
So I took them to the topporch and I just sat them all down.
Funny enough, one of themsaid, are you. I was like, oh, sister,
no, no, no.
With a boy?
Yeah, surprise. I was like,no. But during that time I sat them
down and they had inklings ofmy testimony and things, but I just
(21:42):
sat them down and told themeverything. And the shaping that
happened once I opened thedoor to Christ, right? And how that
happens, right? I stand at thedoor and knock and he who hears gets
and opens the door, right? Wehave to be able to hear him, right?
We need to be able to decideto get up and walk to the door and
(22:03):
we need to decide to open thedoor and all those things. I was
able to show them how you dothat on a personal level for you
and your story and yourexperiences and your testimony. And
so that was a really specialmoment that we were able to have
together, just the five of usgirls, my four daughters and I up
(22:23):
on that porch. And so yeah, Ithink just being able to see life
is hard sometimes. And I amnot perfect, absolutely not. And
I don't expect them to beperfect either. But how you rise
up when you fall and who youseek in order to help you rise up,
(22:44):
those were lessons that I wasable to share with them.
And what made you move from.I've experienced, experienced Jesus
in my life and him helping meparent and raise my daughters to
I want to help coach and helpother people.
That was actually a day I was,I was sitting in church and this
(23:06):
was in 2012, but later on inthe year and at this point, so, you
know, I mentioned some thingswith my husband and his surgery and
everything. He went into ICUfor the first time in 08 and then
we went through all of thistransformative process and he had
surgery in 2010. And we werestill dealing with a couple of things
after. And so we were healingourselves physically, emotionally,
(23:29):
mentally and spiritually forbetween 08 and 2012. And so I was
sitting in church one day andI'm looking at the pastor. It was
a very large church, andthere's a cross on either side of
me on the walls andeverything. And I just plainly heard,
you have helped yourself, nowgo help others. And I walked out
(23:52):
and I was, I told my husband,I was like, I think I'm supposed
to go in and help teach peoplesome of the transformations in family
disciplines, positive familydisciplines we've done. And he's
like, what? I was like, notreally sure yet. I'll get back to
you. But I feel like this issomewhere that I need to go. And
so it really starteddeveloping then. Now my entire background
(24:14):
is in biology and psychology,and so. And I've worked in different
areas with that. And I love toknow what's physically happening
and how that manifests intobehavior and decision making and
things. So I have a lot ofthat background already. But then
applying it toward my personalfamily during some very, very critical
(24:36):
and profound times, but thenturning around and being able to
do that for others, because Ijust see so many young women being
released out into the worldinstead of being launched out into
the world, and they don't havethe foundation that is going to support
them for life. And so that wasreally what ignited me, sitting in
(24:59):
church, being told that andthen just observing and looking around
and saying, okay, we need toget this message out there.
Let's talk to some of the momslistening who are raising daughters.
And it's extremelychallenging. I mean, the things coming
at our kids are so muchdifferent than the things that came
(25:22):
at us when, you know, we wereliving in 1875. And I'm curious,
when you think about thosepeople listening who are just exhausted
and feel unequipped and feellike the game changes every week,
(25:44):
what's your advice for, like,hey, here's a few of my, my go to
advice for women who arefinding this raising daughter thing
really challenging.
Okay, first of all, it isreally challenging. So it's not just
you that's listening to this.It is very challenging and you are
validated in every way, everymoment. And something that has really
(26:11):
helped me is understandingthat we as women, you know, we are
vessels that carry so much.Right. And we need to make sure that
our vessels are well equippedfor that. And many times, because
of our childhood, our first6,570 days thereabouts. Right. There
(26:32):
can be some cracks in therebecause so much of our life is based
off of how we were raised andthe experiences we've had since then.
So I really look at it likethis when, you know, there's a few
references in the Bible abouthow God is the potter and we are
the clay, right? Well, whenwe're raising our children, we are
(26:55):
partnered with God in beingthe partner for that clay. And. And
the clay itself alreadyexists, right? It's already there.
That is our worth. Our worthis already there. And this goes for
you as a parent, as a mom, andit also goes toward what you can
teach your daughter. So it'salready there. And there's five elements
(27:17):
that are in that clay that areabsolutely musts, and that is to
be seen and heard and lovedand belong and have purpose. Those
are the five elements of worththat literally always have been,
are, and will be. And that iswhat that clay is made out of, that
will eventually, after we gothrough the refining process and
(27:40):
the techniques, and then fireit and build resilience in it. But
the clay itself is built outof those five elements. And here's
the thing. Jesus first lovedus, sees us, hears us, we belong
to him, and he gives uspurpose. But in this world, we need
to like, as a parent, we areintroducing our child and making
(28:03):
that connection to Christ. Sowe need to be. They need to see the
Christ in us so that we canintroduce them to that Christ, right?
And so with that, there's alsoshadow sides, like there always is,
right? Because if, if. AndI've done so much research, and I
would love to hear your take.If there's anything that you've ever
(28:24):
heard that lands outside ofthis, please let me know. But every
issue for women up to 105, allthe way down, and especially our
adolescents today come fromthe shadow sides of these elements,
meaning they're not beingseen. They feel invisible, right?
They feel unappreciated. Theshadow side of being heard is to
(28:47):
be silenced or to feel likeyou're being ignored or not to feel
loved, right? Not to feel. Youmaybe even feel loathed. If to someone
that is feeling that way, I'dmocked whatever when they go to school
or somewhere else. And thenthere is belonging. And our kids
(29:07):
aren't feeling like theybelong and there's purpose and they
just think, you know, it's.There's no point, it's meaningless.
But those shadow sides arewhere we are finding all of our problems.
I am yet to find a problemthat lies outside of there. So if
we can then take and make surethat our kids are being seen, heard,
(29:27):
loved, belong, and havepurpose. We are building up that
clay and helping them see thatand building their worth. And so
that is just something that'sso easy to remember, seen, heard,
love, belong, purpose. Andwhen you see things, maybe your kid
comes home and they're makingsome snide remarks to you or what
(29:48):
have you. There's a reason forthat. They didn't come home and be
like, I want to make my mom'sworld really difficult today. Right.
That's not the reason theycame home. And they are upset about,
you know, something Patricksaid to them in second hour today
when they were ignored andthey don't feel very worthy right
now. And they come home to thesafe place that they have, and they
(30:11):
know that they can safely takethat out on you, and you need to
talk to them, hey, it's notokay, but what's going on? What's
going on? I know you didn'tmean that. I'm sorry if, you know,
you're not having a great day,but how can I help you? How can I
serve you right? And that alsogoes vice versa, which is something
that I think so many parentsmiss today is the wisdom that our
(30:35):
kids have and us speaking intoappropriately, of course. You know,
I'm not having a great dayeither today. Someone at, you know,
in the school line orwhatever, you know, said this to
me, and it really stunk. So Idon't know, I'm just feeling kind
of down and I don't reallyfeel like, you know, people appreciate
all the things that I do forthem at the school and just having
(30:56):
those conversations becausethey can learn so much from your
struggles, too.
I'm curious. You talk aboutthese. I think you said five things.
How effective is it to remindyour kids of these sort of truths?
(31:19):
God loves you, you alreadybelong to God. All of these things
if you yourself struggle tobelieve them. Like, how important
is the work to make sure thatyou have a strong foundation, that
you have your confidence inthe Lord, that you believe these
truths? Because I find a lotof people. I mean, I've done it myself
(31:41):
and I've seen it in otherpeople. It's like you can't sit there
and tell your daughter thatshe's fearfully and wonderfully made,
but then sit there and rip onyour body every single day in front
of her. So how important haveyou found is the work of. When you
want to raise a confidentdaughter, you need to work on your
(32:02):
own confidence with the Lordas well. Or. Or have you found it
is possible to be like, I'mdeeply insecure. But I'm going to
try to help you be confident.
Okay? So I've walked thisline. I had to heal myself as I was
teaching these things to mydaughter. Daughters. And so it is
absolutely possible. What itrequires is vulnerability and honesty.
(32:29):
And so it is very possible toknow a truth without submitting to
it. Okay. And so, I mean, wesee this with the fallen angels.
I mean, they, you know, theywere with God, and they still felt.
They knew he was God. Theyknew everything, and they still felt
right. They weren't submittingto him. And you see it many times
(32:51):
throughout Scripture. But I'mreading through Exodus right now,
and there's, you know, Pharaohthat was like, you know, Moses is
like, let my people go. AndPharaoh's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, just kidding. I'm notgonna do that. But by the way, can
you pray for me? And I waslike, what? Pharaoh's sitting there
asking for prayer, you know,so it is very possible to know truth
(33:12):
but not submit to it. But youneed to be vulnerable to that, especially
when raising your daughter. Sowhat that looks like is you are beautifully
and wonderfully made. And Iknow that that is absolute truth
for you and for me. I'mstruggling with that, but I don't
want you to struggle withthat. Like, I struggle with that.
So we know this is truth. Canyou help me? If you hear me saying
(33:37):
something, call me out onthat, because I don't want that to
be what you're hearing, and Idon't want that to be what I'm hearing
from myself either. Go throughit together. That is so powerful
to do as a family. Because afamily is a team, right? Parents
are team leaders. Absolutely.But a family is a team. And when
you can say, you, my daughter,are worthy enough to step up and
(34:02):
help me through this, that issuch a powerful move. And you are
telling them that they areworthy, that they matter. Right?
Their words, their opinions,their. Their guidance matters. And
so you can really build themup through your insecurities and
through your struggles thatyou have, too, by doing it together.
(34:24):
You mentioned a while back theimportance of inviting a kid into
their own faith. I so agreewith that. And I think maybe, and
it sounds weird to say, butone of the gifts of not knowing Christ
growing up is that my faithvery much became my own. So when
I became a parent, I so wantedmy kids to know Jesus, but I. I was
(34:49):
very aware that that had to betheir own decision. And so there
were some probably differentvalues or ways I went about talking
about my faith with them thanmaybe I would have had. I had a different
experience. I'm curious foryou. What do you think you did that
you would do again that helpedinvite your kids into their own faith?
(35:13):
Hmm. Well, so. And I'm notsaying that you need to have this,
but we homeschooled for sevenyears, and so something that we were
able to do just because we hadthat freedom. And now I don't homeschool.
All my kids are in school. Andwe still have found a way to shape
that freedom. But during thoseyears when we were just having those
(35:35):
conversations, going throughand having family Bible studies and
open discussions of. So whatdo you think about that? It wasn't
just firehose teaching. Itwasn't, let me tell you what's going
on here. And you learn thisand then repeat it back to me in
a memorization style. It wasan open, hearty discussion. And when
(35:57):
they had questions, especiallythe hard questions, we would just
look into it together. Right.And it's okay. It's definitely okay.
And you want to be able tosay, I don't know. I don't know the
answer to that. That's areally good question. And I often
have things that I call throneroom questions. I'm like, I just
really don't know. That's athrone room question I'm gonna have
(36:19):
to ask later on, you know, andmaking sure that your kids know that
you don't have all theanswers, but you are willing to look
it up and you are willing tohave faith that even when you don't
have the answer, God does, andthat's okay. And so that would be
something that I would justreally recommend is having open dialogue
(36:41):
about these things, having.There's so many wonderful books out
there. The Bible, of course,being number one. But even more,
there's one called the Story.It's the Bible in a novel form that
you can go through or you candeep dive into some of the women
of the Bible and just havethose discussions. Why do you think
(37:01):
she did that? What do youthink God was doing here to prepare
the way for her? What do youthink? What was her decision process
here? Just asking thequestions and seeing what they come
up with and having that backand forth, it helps them own it for
themselves and know it for themselves.
(37:24):
When you think back onparenting for girls, do you have
any regrets that you. If youcould go back, you're like, oh, I
learned my lesson on this one.And this is what I like to, like,
share with other moms.
So Many. So many, so many. Andyou know what? I am not a person.
(37:48):
And that's like, oh, noregrets, you know? No, I have regrets.
And I think it's important tohave regrets because that means that
I am a different person todaythan I was then, even yesterday.
And I learned from what I didand the mistakes I made in order
to become a better version ofmyself. And I think that's important
(38:09):
for our kids to see, too. So Iwould say some, especially me not
growing up in a Christianenvironment and growing up in a very,
very secular environment. Iwould say one of the biggest things
I regret was the entertainmentthat we let our kids watch and be
a part of even early on, andsome of the content that was in those
(38:32):
things. And it's not somethingI would have thought twice about
growing up seeing. Right. Iremember going and seeing Freddy
Krueger when I was 6 years oldat the movie theater. Right. And
so. But. And, oh, so many, somany thoughts. Traffic jam. So. So.
But there was some shows, eventheir, you know, funny shows or what
(38:56):
have you, that some of thecontent, I was like, oh, I really
wish we wouldn't have, youknow, done that, especially during
this very impressionable ageand not had the discussions about
it. Just chalking it up. As anadult, you can chalk it up to, oh,
that's a funny show. Butthat's not necessarily what they
are seeing. They're seeingsome of the storylines, and when
you laugh at something on thetv because as an adult, you're just
(39:19):
laughing at the surface joke,they think your laughter is acceptance
of the storyline that ishappening. And so that is a distinction.
I really wish I would haveknown, you know, earlier on, but
I didn't know what I didn'tknow, and now I know better. So all
I can do now is talk to themabout those regrets, Right? And not
(39:42):
sweep them under the rug, buttalk to them. You know, I do regret,
you know, having us watch thisbecause I think that you guys saw
some storylines that youthought I was condoning or I was
okay with that. I reallywasn't. It was just a funny part
as someone made a, you know, afunny quip in the show. So that would
be one of the biggest thingsthat come to mind right.
(40:03):
Away when you think about someof the best advice you yourself have
been given when it comes toraising daughters. What comes to
mind?
Oh, gosh, I don't know. Thissounds terrible, but I don't know
if I've gotten a lot of greatadvice about raising daughters, because
(40:26):
when I say I have fourdaughters. The 90% reaction is, oh,
my goodness, I'm so sorry.That is what I get all the time,
is, oh, I'm so sorry. But, youknow, there is occasionally someone
that will come by, and it'ssuch a breath of fresh air when they're
like, wow, what a beautifulgift that you have to see the beginning
(40:51):
of four young women's lives.Right. And that just helps me stop
and cherish. And it's so true.It is so true. You know, no one knows
a daughter quite like aparent, and honestly, especially
as a mom, to see her from hervery beginning to where she is and
(41:12):
where she's going. And it is atrue gift to be able to experience
that whole process, even inthe valleys. And there is always
going to be valleys, but youget to see the hills, too. So, yeah,
it's a beautiful process. AndI love that reminder when I get that.
Yeah, you wrote this book, 40Scriptures and Conversations. It
(41:36):
seems like you're elevatingthe power of conversation with daughters
as we kind of come to a closeon this podcast. I'm just curious
if you have any. Here's mybest advice for having conversations
with your daughters and whythey're important.
(41:58):
Yeah, well, here's the thing.If you don't, someone else will.
And today, that someone couldbe a tangible person next to them,
or it could be someone thatyou or they will never even meet.
And so it's really importantthat you have these conversations
with them. From the surfacethings to the really deep things,
(42:19):
to the controversial things,to the hard things and all the things
in between. If you're nothaving these conversations, someone
else is. I promise you,they're not not being had. So if
you want to be, I have a signin the other room that says if you
want to be a part of yourchildren's memories, you need to
(42:41):
be in their lives today. And Iwould say that goes with the wisdom
that they're building, too.Right. If you want, you know, the
wisdom of your child toinclude good guidance, then you need
to be in there giving the goodguidance. And it's not easy, and
it's hard and it'suncomfortable sometimes, but if you
don't, who will? That alwaysjust comes back to me. If you don't,
(43:03):
who will? So, yeah, get inthere. Be calm. Remember that their.
I told you, my background's inbiology, too. Their brain is not
fully formed yet, and it willnot be until their mid-20s. And so.
So real quickly, if you thinkabout how you feel on your stressed
(43:25):
day and your brain is a littlesporadic and what you're doing is
your frontal lobe is shut offand you're relying on your amygdala,
your emotional center at theback, which is more primitive. That
is how they live every momentright now because their frontal lobe
is under construction. Theyare relying on that. So how you feel
when you're stressed is howthey live every day. And when you
(43:46):
understand that, you can havemore empathy towards why are they
making that crazy choice? Whydid they think that way? What are
they doing? They are not anadult yet and they have a ways to
go, but you can be a part ofthe shaping to get them there.
Such a good reminder, Nellie.I know there's lots of mamas who
are going to want to spendtime with you. How can they do that?
(44:09):
Absolutely. Well, my websiteis where you will find everything.
I like to make it a one stopshop. You can find our online communities
on Instagram and Facebook onthere as well as the books and resources.
Everything is available to youthere and I would love to interact
with all of you throughInstagram or through my weekly articles
(44:31):
that come out.
So I love it so much. Thankyou for being on.
Oh thank you so much forhaving me.
Hey friend. I hope it'sencouraging to hear not only how
the Lord can get ahold of alife and change it, but also just
to be encouraged that mommingis hard, but God is right there with
(44:54):
you as you do it. And I knowI've experienced in my own hard mom
days and hard mom seasons justhow the Lord has come in and healed
me and shaved me and refinedme and pointed me towards my own
need to believe in truth as Iwas trying to pass those on to my
(45:14):
kiddos and and he's just init. He's in the mix and I hope you
can be encouraged by that. Ifyou need more mom resources, we have
those on our website. Makesure you go hop on there. wecollide.net,
I thin we have some free momdevos, we have a ton of other momming
(45:35):
podcasts and freebies, etcetera. So check it out and I will
catch you next week. Keepcolliding, friend.
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