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December 7, 2024 15 mins

Jealousy—it’s a word that often carries shame, especially for first-generation women of color navigating the entrepreneurial world. But what if this “taboo” emotion could actually become one of your greatest tools for growth?

In this episode, I’m diving deep into how jealousy shows up in business, why it’s entirely normal to feel it, and—most importantly—how to use it as a catalyst for self-awareness and transformation. Together, we’ll explore:

  • How cultural conditioning fuels the shame around jealousy.
  • Why comparing yourself to others often triggers self-doubt and inaction.
  • A powerful framework to process jealousy without judgment and use it to your advantage.

Whether it’s social media comparisons or imposter syndrome creeping in, I’ll help you shift your perspective and build a more open, honest relationship with yourself—one that supports your heart-led business journey. 

If you’re ready to move from triggered to empowered, this episode is for you. 

Let's connect, book your free consultation to uncover the cycles holding you back and start building the business you’ve always dreamed of: Work With Me |

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:09):
Welcome
Hey, I'm Suki Kaur, your host and fellow
cycle breaker. I'm here to help first
generation women of color grow their
business that's been on their heart by
breaking free from limiting cultural
expectations and navigating self-doubt.
Together, we'll cultivate self-trust,

(00:30):
explore how to step into your full
potential, and create success on your
terms. Let's break those much
needed cycles and build an impactdriven
life you've been dreaming of right here
in community.
Hey, welcome back. Today I want to talk
about something that comes up a lot in my

(00:51):
coaching sessions and I've seen
that first Gens women of color,
we struggle with this especially when it
comes to business in general as well, but
especially when it comes to business. So
something that like you know when we
think oh jealousy is something that we
shouldn't feel and. It's
bad and it's a sin and, you know, we need

(01:14):
to suppress it and there's something
wrong. There's some
context that's necessary to really
understand what's actually going on.
And I have, like, a lot of people have
resonated with the same message of like,
you know, growing up and for good reason,
right?Our parents have told
us, like, you know, look to. Get you

(01:35):
know, if it's a ninety-five like that,
you know, definitely always aim for that
100. Always look to people that are doing
better than you instead of people that
are doing less so that you're not, you
know, just to stay humble and also just
to stay motivated. And it's coming.
That message is coming from a good place.

(01:55):
But in my recent coaching session, I was
talking to my client about this cause it
comes up a lot as far as like, you
know, looking to people.
Especially when you're doing a business
and doing something similar and that you
know and then you know they may be in the
same type of niche as you and trying to
do the same thing. And maybe especially

(02:16):
nowadays using social media, maybe they
have a ton more followers or they're
successful in terms of how much income
they make in in in the shorter time
period than you are. And so there is
this, you know, this push
for us to look to someone that's doing
more. And then at the same time, our
natural reaction may be, oh, but let's

(02:39):
compare and despair, compare ourselves
to someone else because that's what we've
been pushed to do and it's supposed to be
helpful. And in some ways it has
helped, right?And makes sense of why
the the reasoning, why that
was used to motivate us. But then at
times we have to just, you know.

(03:00):
Look and see, like, is this still helpful
for me?Because a lot of times when we're
doing business and we're looking to
others, sometimes it's inspiring and
sometimes it can feel kind of triggering
to be like, why do I feel so bothered?And
then I start comparing myself and go into
this internal spiral that just keeps me
from showing up at all because then I'm
not good enough and then I'm not doing

(03:21):
enough. But I think what I want to
introduce in this episode is that. You
know, feeling jealous, feeling triggered
by others that are maybe doing
similar or doing more, whatever it is.
When we're comparing ourselves, it's
actually very normal to have that
reaction. And I said this to my

(03:43):
client during a coaching session and we
kind of laughed and it was weird because,
you know, her reaction was like, well,
like, I don't think I should. Like that's
not good to. And I think a lot of times
we we think. Some
emotions are good and others are not. But
let's face it, we have a wide range of
emotions that come up, whether we like it
or not. And I think feeling jealous or

(04:05):
feeling triggered, we make it meet like
the reason that we don't create this open
relationship with us and only like
create space when we're, you know,
feeling inspired and you want to share
that with other people. But not always do
we want to admit to even ourselves that,
hey, I'm feeling this way because then it
means so many things about you, right?

(04:26):
But I think this opens up the space and
the opportunity to, like, have an honest
relationship with yourself. Like, imagine
you're like with someone else in a in a
relationship, right?Say if you're dating
someone or you're in a in a serious
relationship and there were only certain
emotions you can share with that person,
you can never share. Oh, I'm feeling
triggered or I'm feeling jealous. It

(04:47):
would kind of feel like you can't,
you know, bring your whole self into,
like you have to put up this front, right?
And I think forget about being in a
relationship with other people, but I
think even for ourselves, not even
knowing with setting up that foundation
of like only certain emotions will we
give, give air time

(05:09):
to and give space to and and process,
which is really not fair because I think
having that relationship with ourselves
opens ourselves up to being really honest
with ourselves and doesn't mean you have
to do anything about it, but. Or I'm
saying like, you know, you should act on
the jealousy and try to sabotage or
whatever it is. But I think a default
wise we'd look at, you know, don't look

(05:31):
at people that are doing less than you
because then you don't want to, you want
to stay humble, you don't want to become
overconfident and not stay motivated. But
then you're looking to other people. It's
almost like we expect the reaction to
be always to feel inspired by others. And
that's not the case because we're all
human and it's just a
default thing and. I think as you

(05:53):
become more self-aware, it helps, right?
Just to see like, oh, this is what my
default is. But it doesn't mean that, you
know, one of the thoughtners is like, oh,
that means something about you as a
person. Like you should not. You're a bad
person for feeling jealous or you're so
insecure or you're not good enough to do
it. There's a lot of stories that we tell
ourselves and I think one of the things

(06:15):
to reflect on is, you know, looking for a
specific example that. You may have gone
online or you may have spoken to someone
that you're like, oh, wow, like, you
know, they're doing so well and
I'm not even there. I'm not disciplined.
I'm not showing up the way I need to be.
And I'm not doing this and this, whatever
we do, our internal, you know, dialogue

(06:36):
is to the way
that we kind of start evaluating
ourselves and comparing ourselves with
others and judging ourselves, right. So I
think like it's good to understand what
stories we tell ourselves because. Those
stories usually don't feel good, right?We
don't. We feel less than we feel
like high. Then it get it causes

(06:57):
you to go in hiding mode and then not
show up for your business and not do
anything really. So it keeps you farther.
So you know, initially the reasoning
behind looking at someone doing more is
just be motivated by. But this does the
opposite. So then sometimes what we do is
try to just not to look at others at all
and not feel like. You can give

(07:18):
yourself, you entrust yourself to not
beat yourself up if you go into looking
at someone doing better. And that's you
don't have to avoid looking at others
or looking to for inspiration or just,
you know, doing market research in your
field. I think that's really important
and it's essential to do it
to understand the market you're working

(07:39):
in. But I think what is really
helpful is understanding the stories that
you tell yourself about you like
basically. If you're feeling triggered,
like it's something like somebody
can have a million followers and then not
affect us. But if somebody has a million
followers and we know them and we we're
comparing ourselves to them, making it

(07:59):
mean something about ourselves, it itDoes
something to us, and it only has that
power if we make it mean something about
us. That person could be
having one follower, could have a
million, 2 million. It doesn't really
matter until we make it mean something
about ourselves. And it's usually
something negative. So it's not so much
that, you know, jealousy is a bad thing

(08:21):
or bad emotion or feeling triggered is
bad. It's just what we do with it, right?
A lot of times we think, oh, jealousy is
bad because you met like usually it's
like if you feel jealous, you meet
sabotage and likely you're not gonna. Do
that, but instead you're going to self
sabotage and stay in this spiral.
So I think it's really good to have that
awareness of

(08:42):
like what am I making it mean?Because
then that allows you to give yourself
that open space and that safe space with
yourself and have that honest
relationship of OK, when I look at these
things, I feel this way and that feeling
could be anything you open the door to
allowing. Your all your
emotions to have space and

(09:04):
it doesn't mean that you let them drive,
right?But it's just having that space and
not having to suppress them and not
having to like shame yourself for feeling
that way because then you just go into
this judgment spiral. So one thing is
like creating that safe space for
yourself, for your emotions, regardless
of what they are. And then the second
thing is understanding what you're making
it mean about yourself, because then you

(09:25):
can start. Taking away a little bit of
that judgment and that spiraling and
understand like, oh, this is what I'm
making it mean. And then you can decide
what you wanna do with that, right?Like
it could actually be very informing
to be like, oh, you know, I'm
comparing myself to someone that started
a year after me and maybe, you

(09:47):
know, they didn't come with as much
privilege as me and they, you know,
technically I should have. Had to, and
this is an example of like very recently
out of from a coaching session of like,
you know, I'm comparing myself to someone
that didn't come from that many
resources, but you know, they're doing
way better and I'm just not. Now I'm
gonna beat myself up for thinking that

(10:09):
I'm not actually making use. I'm not as
disciplined and I'm I should be
doing. There's a lot of shoulds that come
up of like, oh, I think this about
myself and I think. If we step away
from the judging and and believing all
those things when we feel that way about
ourselves, it's really good to understand
of like, oh, in my mind, I

(10:30):
have this perception of myself that
I need to make better use of
my time or better use of my resources and
I'm not. And that's a that's a good to
know, right?You don't have to change
anything, but it's good to know. And then
you can question of like, OK, well, if
this was just data and I'm just
collecting it. And this is just like, say

(10:51):
I spoke to someone and they're just
giving me an analysis or giving me
suggestions. And it was just like,
you know, it wasn't looked at
as criticism, but just like something
that's helpful and like
something that we can take and like move
on with. I think it would be really

(11:13):
different. I'm looking for the word and I
totally forgot, but it's like it's
something that's helpful and then we're
just. Accepting that like, OK,
if objectively I were to look at it, if
do I wanna change something, do I wanna
do something different?But that, you
know, is still moving forward in some
ways with your own self development,
which will help you move forward in some

(11:34):
way or another, whether it's changing the
way you do things or figuring out how to
do things better. But it's not like it's
very different from. You know,
spiraling and stopping and shaming
yourself and being in a judgment cycle.
This is more like approaching it from
curiosity and not thinking of it
as criticism. And instead

(11:55):
accepting what emotions come up for you,
getting curious about them, understanding
what you're making it mean and
you know, just using it as like a data
point versus and it's a lot to do, like
all these emotional regulation, it's a
lot to do, but I think. Jealousy gets a
really bad name and I think we can use it

(12:16):
to our advantage, especially in business,
because we learn a lot. We learn a lot
about ourselves of when it comes up of
like, oh, first of all, I think it's a
terrible thing to do. Usually we have a
lot of judgment around it. Second off,
I'm making it mean something about myself
that I feel this way. And third, like,
usually you don't learn something, but
you canYou have the opportunity to learn

(12:38):
where you are with yourself and how does
this whole, like, you know, process
impact you?Like, what are you,
what do you want to do next?Like, you can
really use jealousy as a
positive thing if you wanted to, to your
advantage. And it's not even positive or
negative, but it's just more so something
that's helpful to you. Rather than

(12:59):
something that you're going to use to
kick yourself. Because let's be honest,
like we do that enough. Someone who
is first Gen. for women of color that
resonates with, you know, imposter
syndrome and all that. We have enough
internal struggles and it's so
debilitating and I think. When we don't
allow ourselves to feel how we're feeling

(13:20):
and accepting it, especially when it
comes to jealousy, because I think it is
so natural, I think first step is just to
normalize it to like this is OK
to come up and there's nothing wrong with
that. And in fact, it could be
possible for me to use this to my
advantage so that it's helpful and it's
actually gonna help me. Move toward my

(13:42):
business in the way that I need versus
like this is something that's a stop sign
and I should not move forward. So for the
next week, I would love for you to
reflect on an incense, maybe in the
next week or the week before, whenever,
right?Write down an example when this
came up for you, when you like looked at
something or you saw something externally

(14:02):
and you felt a bit triggered and you felt
jealous and like try to do that exercise
of like even.
Understanding of like, where are you with
accepting the emotion first hand?Like all
these steps are great, right?But first
hand, like how where are we on that
spectrum of acceptance of this emotion?
And then that will help you really get to

(14:24):
know yourself. Because I think sometimes
we're like, oh, like I would love to tell
people I was inspired by listening to
their thing like, but sometimes it's
like, let's be honest, right?I think the
first step is just. Understanding where
are you with that?And then maybe next
step can be, you know, taking it
a step further of like, OK, what are we

(14:44):
making it mean?Because then we're really
opening ourselves up. And it's really
just to create that honest relationship
with ourself, which I think there is no
other relationship, especially as a
business owner, that will help you grow,
especially help you grow a heart-led
business. Than
that honest, open relationship with

(15:06):
yourself. So reflect on that in the next
week. And if you have any questions that
come up, feel free to message me.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to hearing from
you.

(15:27):
Hey, if today's episode resonated with
you and you're ready to break free from
the cycles holding you back in your
business, it's time to book a
consultation with me. By the end of the
call, you'll know what's been holding you
back and you'll have a clear plan for
growing the business that's been on your
heart. So go ahead and head to the link
in the show notes to book your free call.
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