April 22, 2025 • 43 mins
Amy is back for her 3rd session with The Hilarious Hypnotist (see previous episodes 17, 18, & 45). In Episode 45 (April of 2024), she was newly sober and worried about slipping back into drugs and alcohol when it was time for her beloved dog, Sweet Pea, to transition. In January, Sweet Pea passed, and then Amy lost 2 more family members the same week. A few weeks later, she lost her friend Julie at the age of 43. While at Julie's celebration of life, she meets James, and a lovely romance begins. James is polyamorous like Amy, but when he leaves to visit his other partner, Amy has difficulty accepting his absence and is concerned she has an unhealthy attachment to him. She wants to be grounded and centered and find peace within. Traci gets the details of the past several months and realizes Amy has done everything right. Amy reached out to her support system, and they all chipped in to provide support to Amy and helped ensure she stayed sober. Traci also discovers that Amy has made peace with her sister, mother, father,and step-mother (episode 45), that are now also part of her support system.
Amy's Recent Losses and Traumas
Traci Kanaan introduces Amy Ortiz, a repeat guest who has experienced significant losses and traumas.
Amy shares that her dog, Sweet Pea, passed away on January 4, which triggered a series of other losses.
Amy's cousin died of the flu and was taken off a ventilator, followed by her uncle, who also died after being taken off a ventilator.
Amy's friend Jenny, who was only 43, died of a heart attack, and her neighbor Maria died from an accidental overdose.
Impact of Losses on Amy's Mental Health
Amy describes how the losses affected her mental health, leading her to feel devastated and wanting to drink.
She managed to stay sober through her program, meetings, and support from her sponsor.
Amy met someone she believed to be her soulmate at Jenny's celebration of life event.
The relationship with her soulmate became unhealthy, leading to separation anxiety when he left to visit his other partner.
Amy's Coping Mechanisms and Support System
Traci Kanaan suggests writing letters to the people Amy has lost, which Amy finds therapeutic.
Amy writes letters to Sweet Pea, her ex-partner Eli, and her partner James, which helps her process her feelings.
Traci emphasizes the importance of having a support system, including God, her sponsor, friends, and family.
Amy acknowledges the support she received from her new boss, roommate, and other friends and family members.
Amy's Personal Growth and Achievements
Amy reflects on her personal growth, noting that she is better off now than she was five years ago.
She has remained sober for 14 and a half months and has elevated from a vet tech to a groomer.
Amy has lost 13 pounds and has reconnected with her mom, stepmom, and dad.
She appreciates the support from her sponsor, friends, and new boss, which has helped her stay grounded.
Amy's Struggles with Separation Anxiety
Amy discusses her struggles with separation anxiety and the impact of James's absence on her mental health.
She describes the physical symptoms she experienced, including not eating and difficulty sleeping.
Amy's friend Mel advised her to take space from James to reconnect with herself.
She has started to feel better, eating again and sleeping through the night, but still needs to process the losses.
Amy's Journey to Healing
Traci Kanaan guides Amy through a visualization exercise to help her process her losses and find stability.
Amy visualizes a rock in her heart representing the loss and separates it from the true love she feels for her lost ones.
She crumbles the rock, symbolizing the strength and resilience she f
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Traci Kanaan (00:00):
Music, none of what happens on this podcast is
(00:07):
planned in advance. My guests,my clients, are real people with
incredible stories. They aregraciously sharing their
hypnosis session and theirhealing journey with you the
listener, you will experiencefirst hand, their highs, their
lows and their laps. Hello.Welcome to the hilarious
(00:32):
hypnotist. Guess what? We have arepeat offender on the podcast.
She called me up in the panic. Iknow it has to deal with death,
and a lot of things happen inher life all at once. You might
remember her from a couple yearsago on the podcast where she you
wanted a DP, right? Did thatever happen? Nope, still hasn't.
Amy Ortiz (00:55):
No,
Traci Kanaan (00:56):
alright, but it could, yeah.
Amy Ortiz (00:59):
No, it could, yeah.
Traci Kanaan (01:00):
And then the last time she was here, she you were
somewhere in the midst of yoursobriety journey. Which did you
hit a year yet? Yeah, 14 months.14 months, 14 and a half months.
She's sober now, yeah. And I
Amy Ortiz (01:13):
did lose my dog, which is what I came in for,
yeah. And finally lost her.
Traci Kanaan (01:18):
Oh, alright. I got tissues. There. You need them.
Okay, so the last time she washere, her dog was older, 1516,
years old, and since then, herdog has passed away, which is
tragic enough, as you know, ifyou've lost a pet. But what
happens is that other thingshappen. And she gave me a brief
(01:38):
synopsis on the phone, but fromhere, take it away and tell me
what so sweet pea died inJanuary, yeah,
Amy Ortiz (01:46):
January 4. I had to put her to heaven. She her heart
just finally gave out, and shewas filled with fluids. So I
took her in the ER, and they,you know, gave her a good, a
beautiful transition, okay, andthat was hard. I mean, she was,
she was my world, and I came inlast time to be able to get
through that trauma withoutdrinking, and it worked. But
then, like two days later, mycousin, who's like in his 50s,
(02:09):
died of flu, and he had to betaken off of ventilator, and he
passed away once he got takenoff with ventilator. And so that
was he's my step cousin, but Iwas raised with him when I was
with my father, so I did have arelationship with him. And then
two days after that, my unclefrom my mom's side, he died, and
he was at he was an addict, andhe had pneumonia, and so he also
(02:33):
had to be taken off aventilator, and he didn't die
right away. So it was like thisdrawn out, like, how When's he
going to go? When to go? And sothat happened in the course of
the same, like, five days. Andhe's an addict, yeah? Which is,
you know, kind of touches me,because I, you know, I've
recovered, and he did not. Andso he passed away two days
after, so that was, like, in thesame week, Saturday, Tuesday,
(02:56):
Thursday, okay? And I was, like,not doing well, and I really
wanted to drink, but, you know,doing my program, going to
meetings, talking about,meetings, talk to my sponsor, I
picked up some spots easy,working with others, and and I
stayed sober. And then the endof the month, one of my really
good friends, Jenny, who is wasonly 43 died of a heart attack
in her bed. And
Traci Kanaan (03:14):
I remember seeing that on the website, yeah, so
she passed away.
Amy Ortiz (03:19):
But she had passed away. They said, heart attack.
They think heart attack, but noone did an autopsy because it's
expensive, and her parentsdidn't care. Yeah, but she was
in the like, the way they foundher. She was in the posture of,
like, as she had heart attack,and her her roommates found her
Friday like it was a Fridaymorning the end of the month.
She was young, too. I rememberhaving her she's only a year
(03:40):
older than me. So that reallyhit home. And she had stayed
with me recently because she wasin between houses, and she
stepped on my, my pull out couchfor a week and a half because
she needed, you know, a place tostay between places. Okay? So
did she pass away? That was allthat was. That was January 9.
Friday, January 29 okay? Andthen fast forward to the
following Monday, and Maria, oneof our neighbors, who is also a
(04:02):
client of mine, I took care ofher cat, um, little boy, a
little little boy all the time,Kitty boy, like, at least twice
a month. Like sometimes, like,she'd go, they go on trips, and
I'd be taking care of him for amonth at a time, repeatedly. And
she always would, you know, bemy friend. And we were
neighbors, so I had multipleconnections with her, and she
had pneumonia and took too muchpain med to make herself feel
(04:23):
better, and she died in hersleep, accidentally overdose.
She forgot she had taken painmeds. According to her husband,
she'd forgot to take pain medsand overdose in her sleep. So
that was my fifth death in fiveweeks, and I was just I was
already devastated by the firstthree and then the second two
made it even harder, because Ireally love Jenny and and so I
immediately decided to have acelebration of life for her, and
(04:45):
that was the Friday of thatweek, and I I had that
celebration of life, and itreally gave me closure, at
least. I thought it did. Ithought I was good, and I met
who I believe is my soulmate atthat event. And I immediately.
Only attached to him, like,besides being my soulmate, I
made him my joy, because I wasso sad and I just had such an
(05:07):
healthy, unhealthy attachment.We were together. It's been two
months, two months in a week,since we met and and in that two
months that we he was here, Ijust, like, made him my world.
We, like, spent every secondtogether, and it really was me
masking and not like dealingwith the traumas that I had. And
then, you know, he werepolyamorous, and he had another
partner already, so his, youknow, he went to visit her,
(05:28):
April, 4, and so from the secondhe left, I wasn't able to eat, I
wasn't able to sleep, because Ihad put so much of my my
strength on him, like I didn'thave any strength without him,
because I had really justattached to him so toxically,
and because I had not dealt withmy traumas from the five deaths,
it left me feeling like I waslosing another love, you know,
(05:50):
and the love of my life, likehe's my soul mate, yeah, so, and
since that's been that was aweek that's been two weeks since
then, and then finally, thisweekend, I came to I was like
screaming, and I was so horribleto him, and then I talked to a
good friend of mine who's beenpolyamorous for 30 years, and
she's like, Amy, this is notyou. You need to get help like,
this is you are not you've neverattached like, I've never
attached like this to anybody. Ido admit he's my soulmate. So
(06:12):
this is like, and I actuallyfelt comfortable enough with him
that I was sleeping on his chestand I could sleep through the
whole night, which is like, twothings I haven't done since that
got since back, back up to atrauma I had that I realized
recently. When I was 23 I datedthe this guy for the first time,
Eli, and he was my firstboyfriend. Um, between the ages
(06:32):
of 14 when I was raped and 23when I was raped by two guys. I
didn't have anyone that I hadever attached with. I just
fucked everything that movedthat was my MO. And when I after
the two guys raped me, I waslike, I gotta settle down. And
that's when I met Eli. And Ididn't know, because I'd never
had a boyfriend, that like, thiswasn't normal, but like, he
would like me in the middle whenI was sleeping, he would like,
(06:53):
put his dick in me while I wassleeping, and I would just be
woken up, and I would just belike, is this normal? I didn't
know to question it, because I'dnever been someone's girlfriend,
girlfriend. And so when when meand James met, he actually said
to me, I would never have sexwith you unless you were
completely coherent to give yourconsent. And that's when it
dawned on me, oh, wait, thatwasn't normal. Because my whole
(07:14):
life, every relationship betweenthen and now, I always told the
guys, lay as far away from me asyou possibly can. Don't touch
me. Don't Breathe on me, like Idon't want you anywhere near me.
And that was me protectingmyself so I didn't get raped
again in my sleep, and I wouldjust and most of the time, I
didn't want people to stay over.I was really hesitant to even
let people stay at my housebecause or stay at theirs
because of that. I had so muchanxiety about it because I was I
(07:35):
didn't realize that I felt soaffected by that because I
didn't know it was I didn't knowit was like, not normal, and it
was just me protecting myselffrom something that I thought
was normal. Like, okay, well,he's gonna think. I'm gonna just
let him, you know, I didn't wantthat to happen. So that's why I
was, like, get away from me. Andso James was the first person
that I actually felt safe andcomfortable with. And that's why
I gotta get over this. I gotta,I wanna keep that going. But I
(07:57):
can't have this, this sickattachment, my separation
anxiety is so intense. Like Isaid, I didn't eat for like, a
week and a half. I lost fivepounds in a week and a half
because I could not look at foodwithout feeling sick. And then
the sleep I was maybe gettingthree to five, four hours a
night. It's been devastating formy physical and that's when we
were, like, this past weekend,when I was screaming, and he's
like, we need, you need to getoutside help because, like, I
(08:17):
can't help you because, youknow, I had asked him to come
back. Yeah, okay. James waslike, go call Mel, like, my
friend Mel, that's been Pollyfor 30 years, like, can you
please go call Mel and, like,talk to her, because I really
need you to get some help. And Iwas like, fuck that. You know, I
was angry, but I did reach outto Mel, and she's the one that
called me on my shit. And waslike, This is not you. You know,
she has known me for four and ahalf years. So she's like, this
is not you. You need to get backin touch with you, and you need
(08:40):
to get help. And so that's whatI called you. Okay, so that
brings us to where we are. Well,I don't know how we're
Traci Kanaan (08:45):
going to fill in the other hour and 15 minutes of
this podcast. That was adownload, alright, so, and then
when we spoke on the phone, Isaid, write a letter, yeah, to
the people that you had lost.Yeah. I wrote one. You said that
was helpful. Yeah?
Amy Ortiz (09:00):
It did really make me feel good. I also wrote a letter
to Eli, the guy who, oh, my expartner that had been doing that
for to me for two years, just totell him, you know, like, I
don't know. It's weird. I kindit kind of came out as, like,
that really upset me, and Ididn't realize it. But, yeah,
you've you damaged me, but Ialso forgive you, because, you
know, like, I don't know. MaybeI don't forgive him. I don't
know it's been and then I wrotea letter to my partner, James.
(09:22):
Okay, so that was just verytherapeutic. Thank you for
suggesting that.
Traci Kanaan (09:25):
Awesome. Yeah, because a lot of people, your
unconscious mind doesn't knowreality, if that makes sense, so
that's why I suggested Write,write all those people a letter,
because your unconscious mindwill feel as though it's
speaking to them, even thoughthey can't hear it, but it helps
you process what it is that youfelt for them and how to make
them feel better. Okay, so if Ican wave my fairy Hypno wand,
(09:48):
how would you like to leave herefeeling today? I want to feel
Amy Ortiz (09:52):
centered like centered that I feel like I'm
strong enough of my own withouthim with I mean, I want to be
with him, but I don't want himto be my only source of.
Happiness. I really need to findmy joy again, okay. And I think
just maybe, just dealing withthe traumas, like, I don't know,
being at peace. Let's say thatbeing at peace with my loss, my,
my five losses in five weeks,would be really nice, yeah,
(10:14):
because that is a really hardand I mean, my, my AA, friends
were like, we weren't justworried you were gonna go out.
We thought you're gonna have amental breakdown, because that's
a lot. And I was like, Yeah, Ijust immediately imposed. I
literally put all my securityand my my enjoyment and James,
because he I met him right atthe tail end. And I was just
like, I don't want to feel theway I've been feeling I needed.
And just I brace, embraced himso hard, and that turned into
(10:36):
separation anxiety when he leftto go with his other partner,
you know,
Traci Kanaan (10:39):
okay, what's his relationship with the other
partner? So I have a whole he'sbeen with this other partner.
Hello.
Amy Ortiz (10:45):
Well, they met online, and that's for a year.
They talked online, and thenthey met in person, 6678,
Unknown (10:52):
months ago. Okay, so the other partner eight months
Amy Ortiz (10:58):
actually, that they've been in person? Yeah,
Traci Kanaan (11:01):
okay. And that person is here, far away in
Amy Ortiz (11:04):
Kansas City. Oh, alright. So he had to drive up
Kansas, and then to make evenmatters worse, here, he lives
here, but he went to visit herthere and make matters worse.
When he got there, he was soexcited to see her, they forgot
to call me to tell me that hearrived. And that really helped
me feel like he didn't he hadabandoned me, that he was
leaving me, and that he made iteven worse, like I literally
would that was the trigger thatset me off to be like, Oh, and
(11:25):
also, I was in a car accident in2004 where I was in a coma for
four days and my family couldn'tfind me for two days. So when
people take long drives, I'mlike, Call me as soon as you get
there, so I know you're safe,because I'm so scared of people
having accidents. I only drove10 hours and got in that car
accident. He drove 2424 hourswith only two naps, one hour
naps, two, one hour naps. Thathe's crazy, but he wanted to get
(11:45):
there so bad, and then heimmediately forgot about me and
jumped right in the sectordriving town. Yes, I know that's
what I'm saying, that thatdefinitely triggered me to go
back to these other traumas thatI had to deal that I didn't deal
with but I hadn't dealt with. SoOh, thank you.
Traci Kanaan (11:59):
All right. So we got all this loss, alright? And
then literally, when he leaves,it was like another death.
That's really what it felt like.Yeah, that's what it felt like,
because it was somebody elsethat you counted on, trusted,
supported, that just vanished,alright, and compounded, not
calling, forgetting to call.Okay? So now, alright, how do
(12:23):
you want to go about this? Wehave a heart attack. Who of all
of these was the hardest? SweetPea. Sweet Pea was that was the
kickoff,
Amy Ortiz (12:36):
yeah, okay. I mean, I've had her for I had her for
16, almost 16 half years, and Iactually made her my world
before James, like she was thesource of my joy. And, you know,
as my last, last time I told youguys, I really thought when I
when she was going to go. I hadplanned to kill myself, but you
gave me that tool with my firstsession with you, and I didn't
want to kill myself anymore. AndI got rid of all the drugs I had
(12:58):
stockpiles. And so I was readyto like, but I wasn't still
ready to say goodbye. I, like, Iwrote my letter that I'd give
anything to have her back. Like,I still, I carry her around in
my login.
Traci Kanaan (13:06):
Oh, awesome. Yeah. So she's with you always, but
Amy Ortiz (13:09):
kinda, but I still miss, you know, the business
when she, you know, when I gethome and she's not there to
visit that and she's in yourhead,
Traci Kanaan (13:15):
yeah, awesome. Alright, so what's going right?
Amy Ortiz (13:19):
Meeting James, I mean me, my soulmate. That was
definitely a positive. Okay,
Traci Kanaan (13:23):
so James has gone, right, yeah. And I
Amy Ortiz (13:27):
got a new job. I'm now a groomer, like I got. I
moved up in the world. I movedup in the world. So that's gone,
right?
Traci Kanaan (13:32):
You've gone from a vet tech to a groomer, yeah? And
I love seeing the your work,
Amy Ortiz (13:38):
the group page, yeah,
Traci Kanaan (13:40):
that tech to a groomer because you were
practicing on everybody's Yeah?
Amy Ortiz (13:43):
I still am. I just did a bath. I was running a
little late because I did abath. Miss now, okay,
Traci Kanaan (13:48):
so groomer, what else has gone right?
Amy Ortiz (13:51):
My program, I'm still sober, 14, you know, like it was
huge to get through that, allthose traumas, sober, it really
was, yeah,
Traci Kanaan (13:58):
so the program 14 and a half months. 14 and a half
months,
Amy Ortiz (14:04):
I'm really, I'm really thankful that God helped
me get through that because Ihad to go to six meetings a day
when sweepy first, like, whenthat first week happened,
because I was so sad and I wasgoing to drink. I wanted to
drink so bad, like, the urgent,
Traci Kanaan (14:16):
so you're clean
Amy Ortiz (14:18):
from drugs. Yeah, yeah. So clean and so
Traci Kanaan (14:21):
liquor and drugs, yeah? Okay, what else?
Amy Ortiz (14:29):
Oh, I lost 13 pounds. Not near so fluid by choice, I
know, but, but I have lost 13pounds. That's not a bad
Traci Kanaan (14:36):
thing. The thyroid, that doesn't give a 13
pounds is amazing. Yeah,
Amy Ortiz (14:40):
that's a positive, but it wasn't, it like, wasn't
gotten there by, I mean, thefirst, like six were because I
was not overeating as much andgetting a lot more exercise with
sex, but, but after that, it wasjust all that. It was also it
was all just like, oh, I can'teat. But, yes, alright. And then
Traci Kanaan (14:56):
you James. So what's amazing about James? You.
He asked for consent. Yeah,
Amy Ortiz (15:02):
he and I are good at going on adventures all the
time. He really loves me like,unconditional, like, he reminds
me of Sweet Pea the way he lovesme. And are you gonna groom him?
He actually, he actually, heasked me to cut his hair. So
that's okay. And I was like, I'mnot sure. I don't I haven't done
humans before only dogs. He'slike, he can cut me like a
(15:22):
snazzy I'm like, Oh, my God,he's funny. He makes me laugh.
Traci Kanaan (15:25):
Uh, yeah. African said he's a good travel buddy.
Yeah? He makes me laugh. Okay,laugh. You're Yeah, you see this
chest. Feel
Amy Ortiz (15:35):
safe and secure with him, with him, and for sure,
secure like I've never felt thisway about anybody, and it's
scary, but I love it. Okay.
Traci Kanaan (15:46):
What else? What
Amy Ortiz (15:53):
else actually dating an age appropriate person, which
is another thing. I used to dateyounger guys, because I never
wanted to be attached toanybody, really. And that was
just my attachment style hasalways been avoidance, but then
I get with him, and now I'manxiety attachment style, like
it just flipped like that.
Traci Kanaan (16:11):
So age appropriate, yeah, what else
trying
Amy Ortiz (16:14):
to think? What other good things have happened? I
mean, that's I think I can'tthink of
Traci Kanaan (16:21):
anything. Else, okay, so just Just to recap,
yeah, in the six weeks of hell,you found somebody who gets
Polly, gets you, yeah, who'sasked for consent. Great travel
buddy makes you laugh. You feelsafe and secure with them. He's
actually age appropriate. Youlost 13 pounds. You remained
(16:45):
sober from liquor and drugsthrough this whole thing with a
total of 14 and a half months,even though you had to go to six
meetings a day right after SweetPea died. And you've elevated
from vet tech to groomer. I sosee why you're here, you know,
(17:08):
like, this is all good stuff,yeah. So now think about where
were you five years ago? I
Amy Ortiz (17:16):
was still living in Virginia. I was a vet tech. I
was making more money than I'mmaking than I was making than I
was making as a vet tech here,but that's just because the
state of Virginia pays more.Yeah, had a, let's see. I had a
place with a couple roommates. Iwas running a dungeon in my
basement. That was really fun. Ihad, I had sweet pea. She was
(17:37):
still young, chicken, youngish.I had, I didn't really, I don't
think I was dating anybody atthat time, because I was just
planning, I was about to move toFlorida, so I didn't have any
relationships.
Traci Kanaan (17:49):
Okay, not dating, yeah, would you say you're
better now than you were fiveyears ago?
Amy Ortiz (17:57):
I would, yeah.
Traci Kanaan (17:58):
I mean, apart from all the trauma I'm not dealing
with, yeah, were you drugs anddrinking five years ago? Yeah?
So you're heavily drugs anddrinking five years ago,
Amy Ortiz (18:08):
but I still maintain a job and just pissed off my
friends a lot. Yeah,
Traci Kanaan (18:12):
all right, so pissed off friends. So bring
that in for a moment, thatyou're so much better off now
than you were five years ago. Isthat amazing to you? Yeah,
Amy Ortiz (18:32):
but it's also scary, because I'm like, what like,
what else I'm kind of, I mean,yeah, it's scary, but good. But
Traci Kanaan (18:38):
now think about all the strength that it took
for you to not drink and dodrugs when you were getting
death after death after deathafter death. It
Amy Ortiz (18:48):
wasn't my strength, it was God, because I could not
have, if it would have been onme, I would not have stayed
sober like I did not want tostay sober. I wanted to drink so
hard, you know. But I did itbecause I I've told so many
people I'm sober, how horriblewould that look if I came in?
Right?
Traci Kanaan (19:04):
Yeah, that's what I love, peer pressure and the
best way. Yeah. And
Amy Ortiz (19:07):
that's why I tell people, because I want them to
keep me accountable, and itmakes me feel bad if I and even
if I think about drinking, I'mlike, everyone's going to be
Traci Kanaan (19:15):
mad at me. Don't do it. So I love that. You say
it wasn't you, it was God, yeah,okay, I don't care, yeah, who my
higher power? Yeah, I don't carewho helped you, honestly, that
you have God higher power onyour team, yeah? Who all got you
through this? Who else was onyour team? So, your sponsor? So
(19:38):
you have God, first of all,sponsor, yeah, my
Amy Ortiz (19:41):
sponsor is that a
Traci Kanaan (19:45):
no? Is your first initial? S, no, l, l, okay. She
Amy Ortiz (19:52):
was my she was my first sponsor. Now I switched
sponsors. All
Traci Kanaan (19:58):
right, so your sponsor helped you not? All
right, eventually, James,
Amy Ortiz (20:02):
my friends in and out of the program. Your friends in
and out? Yeah, I still,thankfully, still have a lot of
friends from before. Even thoughthey said we're so glad you
stopped drinking, you were suchan asshole, they still stayed my
friends, right? I'm surprised,but they have been supporting me
through it. Okay?
Traci Kanaan (20:21):
Friends in and out. Who else? Who else is on
your team? My sister, yoursister.
Amy Ortiz (20:26):
Um, I've reconnected with my mom since her last
podcast. I did actually call herafter five years and make my
amends and and it it was good.We don't have the same
relationship. But when my grandwhen my uncle, died, I told her
I would go and support her thissummer, because they waited till
the summer because she didn'twant to go home to New York in
the winter, so she lives inArizona in the summer in the
winter. So we're I'm going totry me and James are going to go
(20:47):
up and to the funeral thissummer. So I guess my mom is on
my team, and my dad is on myteam. Okay, that's awesome. And
my stepmom, who I now have abetter relationship with,
because I made my mends, andwe've been
Traci Kanaan (20:59):
talking about stepmom too. Yeah. Okay. Who
else is on your team? My
Amy Ortiz (21:04):
roommate, Julie. She's great. I love about her.
Traci Kanaan (21:08):
Me. Julie, Okay, who else is on your team?
Amy Ortiz (21:14):
My new boss, I mean, he's taken a chance on me. He's
training me fully to become thebest groomer I can be. Because
he loves my energy. He hired meon the phone. He found me. I
didn't even apply to the job.This is the second time that
happened. God is like when Ibecame when I went to become a
bather from being a Vet Tech, Ididn't apply to the job. They
found me, and it was literallywithin 12 hours of getting fired
(21:35):
from being a Vet Tech, I got thenew job. Yeah, God, totally.
God. I was across the streetfrom the place getting blood
drawn. When they emailed me, waslike, Oh, we would love to have
you come in. And I was like,I'll be right over. And they
hired me that day, within 12hours of me being fired, right?
So, God, and then this job, ittook a little longer, I think it
was like a week and two daysbefore Avi, the new owner, he
reached out, was like, I wouldlove to have you come in. And
(21:56):
he's like, you've got such goodenergy. And they hired me on.
And so I was only without a jobthis time after also getting
fired. So I got burned twice,but I got jobs without that with
I've been applying for them. SoGod has really been working in
my pro Why am I so sad? But I'mlike, I just, I haven't been
processing, I haven't touchingon what the I'm doing. I'm like,
(22:17):
I just haven't been processingthe laws of the thing. And it
just like, comes back, and Idon't know why. Like, I think
what's really happening is Ijust made that really
unhealthiest, like, attachmentto him. And yes, I really should
be trusting God, like I reallyshould be, because he's been
doing so much for me, but at thesame time, like, my heart is
just, like, so attached to Jamesthat I need it to, like, relax,
you know, come back to me,because it's not attached to me
(22:39):
right now. It really isn't likeI'm even though we said Sunday,
which was two days ago, wehaven't talked because I told
him I need space. Like, that'swhat Mel recommended. Who told
James this? Yeah, I told James Ineed space. So said Sunday, I
haven't talked to him, andthat's really been good for me.
I'm eating again, and I sleptthrough the night, one night,
not all nights, but one night.And so, like, that's really
helping. But I that's not a longterm solution, because I do want
(23:02):
to be with him. So Mel was justsaying, Just give yourself time
to I have my heart. I have toget my heart back in my chest,
like I don't have it with meright now, like it just feels
like it's not in me right now.
Traci Kanaan (23:10):
Okay? Because there, there's, yeah, there's a
time when you can do stuff onyour own, but having a team like
this is huge, and honestly, youneeded this scene to get you
through that, because that wassuch a heavy load. Yeah, you
know what I'm saying? Like,there's no way you could have
(23:30):
done that all yourself. So therewas a time in my life where the
same week I left my marriage of17 ish, 17 and a half years, and
then I was also to go on acomedy trip. Called my mom to
say goodbye. She didn't answer.I turned around, came back,
(23:52):
found her unconscious, and soliterally, the same week I
became I went from happilymarried with no kids to the
single mother of a 74 year old,72 year old, and it was a heavy
load. And like you, I'm like,Oh, I gotta find strength. And I
felt like I was so dependent.But I found, I put together my
(24:16):
own team, and I actually found aguy that, Dr Ken, I'll give him
a shout out. I think he'sretired now, but doctor Ken
pulled me through. And one ofthe things, the best advice that
I ever got, I think I actuallydid a blog on this, was
sometimes you gotta make adeposit in your happy account,
(24:37):
because your happy account whowas in the negative, right? All
those withdrawals, right? You'reout, just cash out, cash out,
cash out, cash out. And so Jamesbecame a big deposit. And then
when James became a withdrawal,fuck, I'm back to nothing again.
So it's making sure that you putstuff into your happy account.
(24:59):
You. I have tissues here. Thankyou. Yeah, makeup is expensive.
Don't make me cry. Alright,okay, so, so having this team, I
think, is amazing. That was justtoo heavy alone for you to lift.
So I'm okay with you leaning oneverything you had to get you
(25:25):
through that. I hope you areokay. So now, yeah, James, at
this point, was a flash point,okay, because you had lost so
much, and then all of a suddenJames is gone too, and your body
got like another loss, anotherloss, another loss, and now it
(25:50):
tried to protect you from losinghim again. Yeah. So how do we
find stability in that? Okay,what was the thing that got you
through when Sweet Pea passedaway? Went to meetings, lots of
meetings,
Amy Ortiz (26:08):
talked to my sponsor like almost every hour. Okay,
Traci Kanaan (26:11):
did that help? Yeah, okay. I
Amy Ortiz (26:14):
went out and see I went and I did step work and met
some new sponsors. I worked withalcoholics. That really helped.
I actually just pick a newpicked up a new sponsor
yesterday. So, oh, rookie, onthe steps to read that you're
helping, yeah, somebody I'mhelping, because that's that's
such a big part of the programis you have to give it away, to
keep it and it really gets meout of my head, which is good,
but, you know, there's only somany people that are biting as a
bit to be a sponsor like, youknow, you have to get a willing
(26:36):
person. And so. And this girl,she approached me at a meeting
and and I, but I did tell herthat I'd have to reset her so
Friday day because she's stilldoing weed. Still doing weed.
But I said, I'll start thestatue, but when you stop weed,
I'm going to make you set yourreason. She said, okay, so okay,
but yeah, i Because, you know, Ibelieve no substances should be,
you know, it should be allsubstances, but that's just my
belief and my sponsor's belief.You know what? She passed down
(26:56):
to me, perfect. So anyways, allthat to say, yes, that's
something else I did was get outof myself and help others be of
service.
Traci Kanaan (27:03):
All right, awesome. So that's all good
stuff. You went to the support,and then you flipped it and you
helped somebody else, somebodywho needed was probably in worse
shape than you, yeah, at thispoint, because they didn't have
a year of sobriety behind that.So how awesome Are you? Okay, so
(27:25):
now let's get you groundedagain.
Amy Ortiz (27:29):
Like I just feel so lost and like I'm floating and
and, you know, I'm better sincethen I won Sunday, because once
I realized the problem, my bodywas like, What the hell are you
doing? But like, you know, I'mstill, like, mentally, like, Oh,
Traci Kanaan (27:42):
yeah. So in Chinese medicine, there's five
elements, and I'm probably goingto butcher this in some way,
shape or form. But you have fiveelements, you have wood, you
have Earth, you have metal, youhave fire, you have water. Right
(28:10):
when you get too much heat, youbecome fire, and you start to
raise. This happens to me. I getreal pissed, and he rises. Yeah,
right. And so not that you werepissed, but you were upset that
something you would relied onwasn't there anymore. So it was
(28:31):
a form of pissed, but then therewas also loss. So what the thing
is, we need to do is bring yourfire back down to earth. We can
do that with water. Okay, wateris probably your default. What's
Water? Water? More fluid. Kindof the caretaker, okay, just
(28:53):
more of a down to earth. Fire.People are always the hot headed
ones that
Amy Ortiz (28:59):
I used to be before I became sober, I was fired. I was
so detached, like someone lookedat me wrong. I'd like, get out,
like I was so fire, yeah, beforeI became, you know, sober, and
now I've been more so more waterbrought you, brought you back
down. Yeah, to care for othersand
Traci Kanaan (29:15):
yeah. So what you want to do
Amy Ortiz (29:17):
banish them the second they wronged me, they
made a mistake, because that'sall he did. He made a mistake.
He made a mistake. He didn'tcall me. But in my head, it's
like a total portrayal and andlike, I've made it way bigger
than it could be because of mypast traumas.
Traci Kanaan (29:28):
Alright, so let's go into this. Go ahead and close
your eyes for a moment, and Iwant you to think about where,
where do you feel that loss?Somewhere between your head and
your toes, there's loss in yourheart. Okay, that's what heart
means, love, you know. So focuson that loss in your heart. What
(29:54):
color is it?
Amy Ortiz (29:58):
Orange came up first.
Traci Kanaan (29:59):
Well. Orange, yeah, why? I don't read into the
whole color thing. So just thatwas just the first thing that's
popped my head all right, soorange, is it hard or is it
soft? Is hard? Art, bigger,little, it feels really big,
big. Okay. Is it moving or is itstill still, still okay? Are
(30:26):
there any people in that orange,hard, big, still shape in your
heart? No, it's just just afeeling. Just a feeling okay.
Any reason why you would want tokeep this.
Amy Ortiz (30:42):
I This is love, right? Why would I want to keep
love?
Traci Kanaan (30:46):
Um, that's why I asked. Is there any part of it
that you want to keep? I know.Let's try this. Could you
separate the orange, hard bakedstill from the true love that
you feel for sweet pea and thepeople that you lost. Yeah,
(31:11):
okay, go ahead and do that, anddo it by the most lovely, gentle
way possible. Think of it asyou're going to keep the best of
sweet pea and the best of yourcousin and uncle, and it's time
to let go of the loss.
(31:39):
And if for whatever reason, thismay or may not work, let me
know. I got other ways to dothis.
Amy Ortiz (31:47):
It feels a little the rock feels a little lighter,
okay, I feel I picture it like arock. I don't know why, okay,
just looks like a rock sittingthere. Let's go ahead and take
Traci Kanaan (31:55):
the rock out. All right. So that means play along,
reaching in there and pullingout that rock. Go ahead, reach
in your heart and say thank you,rock for trying to keep me safe,
but I can't keep you becausethis is keeping me ungrounded.
(32:19):
Let me say that or whateverwords work for you.
Amy Ortiz (32:23):
Thank you, rock. But I can't keep Okay, go ahead
Traci Kanaan (32:27):
and take that. Rock out. Okay, what's left? How
does it feel inside?
Amy Ortiz (32:34):
Feels lighter later, okay, um,
Traci Kanaan (32:38):
did what's in there fill in, or is there still
a hole, still a hole. Okay, sotake a look at that rock in your
hands, alright? And thisrepresents love that's lost. All
right. So what I want you to dobreathe, and if you need to let
some tears go, now's a greattime to do that. You
(33:05):
Is there more? Let it
go? Oh, I'm not going to let youdo that. We're going to put it
back, but in A happy phone. Ipromise
Amy Ortiz (33:30):
you that so much.
Traci Kanaan (33:54):
You ready to move on? Okay, so that rock that
you're holding in your hands,this is the love that's lost.
Okay, I want you to go ahead andthank this rock, because this
rock showed you how strong youreally are. This rock also
showed you how resourceful youwere. You knew that you couldn't
(34:18):
do this alone. You reached out.Guess what old Amy would have
done? She would have reached infor liquor and some weed. Called
it a day, right? Yeah. So thisrock is strength. Okay, so now
what I want you to do is in thatrock, right? It's still. I want
you to go ahead and move it inyour hands so like a twisting
(34:40):
motion, and let it just going tosee if I gave you a real object,
but I want you to imagineputting in all that strength
that it took to not drink andnot do drugs, okay, all the
strength it took to reach. Outso physical. Just broke.
Amy Ortiz (35:04):
What's broke? I feel like the rock just broke. Oh, I
feel like it fell apart in myhands.
Traci Kanaan (35:09):
Is that good? I don't know. Tell me, does it
feel good? Yeah, all right, then
Amy Ortiz (35:16):
I like crumpled it. Awesome, awesome. I don't know
that's weird. Is that weird? I
Traci Kanaan (35:26):
had that with another client too. We were
doing a similar process, andshe's like, it broke. I was
like, say good or bad.
Amy Ortiz (35:35):
I like, started putting strength and it like,
frackled it.
Traci Kanaan (35:38):
Okay, so now what I want to do is put good stuff
back in, okay, so in this,whatever's left of it, put in
that strength that you found toreach out to people who you knew
could help you, okay, put inthere all the goodness that you
(35:58):
found James and how real, howrewarding that relationship has
been, because that showed youwhat a real relationship is like
somebody who actually asked forconsent to touch you, what
right, what right? Okay, so goahead and put in there that God
(36:18):
helped you. Even though he gotyou fired a couple of times, he
still found you a great job,right?
Amy Ortiz (36:25):
Yes, I don't think he'd pause the pairing, but I
know you mean
Traci Kanaan (36:29):
whatever. You just smile. It got you to now
grooming pets. So you're stillworking with animals which you
love, okay? And you're actuallya pet mom to more pets than you
ever were with Sweet Pea thisway. Okay, so what other left?
You've reconnected with yourmom, your sister, your step mom
(36:53):
and your dad, right? You have agreat support system with your
sponsor, with your roommate,your friends, both in and out of
the program. So now, what'swhat's happening there? Whatever
the rock that was splintered,what's there? Now
Amy Ortiz (37:13):
it's the same, but I'm putting stuff like making
making the pieces bigger Good.
Traci Kanaan (37:18):
Go ahead and keep adding to it. Make those pieces
bigger. Okay, now you're asupport for someone in the
program. You're somebody'sstrength, yeah, okay. That means
somebody's going to call youwhen they have deaths in their
family and they're tempted,right? So now you gotta be
responsible. You can't go backto everybody and say that you
(37:40):
quit? No way you got peoplerelying on you now. So go ahead
and keep adding goodness tothat. Keep adding love to that.
Keep adding all that creativityand energy that you poured into
learning how to be a doggroomer. Mm, hmm. Do they have
cat groomers? Yes, but I am. Oh,wow. Okay, alright, we'll stick
(38:01):
with dog grooming for now. Okay,so now has that grown? The
pieces are big. Okay, what Iwant you to do now, go ahead and
turn it. Go ahead spin it in away that feels great for you,
okay, and keep adding love toit. Because I want this to get,
like, super big and huge. Okay,so put all that fun, all that
poly. Okay, your poly, thatmeans you have, like, twice the
(38:24):
love is everybody else on thisplanet to give to other people
that give to you. Okay, alright,fun times with James. He's cute.
You make good selfies, right?Put all that in there. I pay
attention. Go ahead, put that inthere. Keep turning it, keep
turning it. Keep spinning it.Keep spinning it. Look at this.
(38:46):
This is grounding Amy. Go aheadand put that love in. And when
it gets to be like twice thesize, keep spinning it even
faster. I wanted to get it likeat least three, four times the
size. Okay, alright, keep addinglove to it. Think of how you are
sweet pea around your neck. Allthat love, okay, that dog meant
(39:07):
so much to you. That dog knewalright. And when you're ready,
take whatever that is you'reholding and put it in your heart
where that orange rock was. Letthat reverberate through your
whole body, notice how itgrounds you, and notice how
(39:35):
whole and complete you feel.Guess what? James isn't here.
You did all that yourself.
You did everything right throughthis whole shit show, you did
(39:57):
everything right. You. How doesthat feel, knowing you did
everything right?
Amy Ortiz (40:06):
Amazing. Because I didn't think I would. Yeah, my
sponsor, the first night, when Icalled her, when sweetie died,
was like, I know you're notgoing to drink. And I was like,
but I really want to drink. Andshe's like, but you're not going
to how awesome is that? And I'mlike, okay, but I well, I get so
much for like, it would have we,yeah, oh, man, but yeah, she had
such faith in me.
Traci Kanaan (40:27):
You did everything, right? It wasn't
even in my life then, yeah, I
I'm whole without him, we are
Amy Ortiz (40:51):
even though the part the Brock broke into pieces. I
don't know why that was. Thepieces got bigger, and now
they're
Traci Kanaan (40:57):
in my heart. Yeah, and that's okay. What needed to
break. Had to break. Obviouslyyou couldn't keep carrying that
around. But as I like to say,keep the best of those people
that you lost.
We wrote them all letters towhat they meant to you and hold
(41:23):
on to those letters and review.But yeah, you were whole and
complete the whole time. You dideverything right? You
(41:43):
alright. So what you do, youhave your 10 categories cool.
And what you do is you gothrough and you do a scale of
one to 10 on everything. So analcoholic would be a one.
Somebody who's sober is 10, is10. Gotcha, alright? Somebody
who doesn't have kids is a 10.Somebody with little babies is a
(42:04):
zero for you. Someone who's dogfriendly, all right, maybe they
like cats. Give them a five,alright, so I got to know what
you do. You go through on ascale of one to 10, yeah, add
them all up, and you know that90% is an A, okay? 80% is a b
and so on. So if you getsomebody who's like a 79 or
(42:25):
below,
Amy Ortiz (42:26):
if you're not, if it's not how, yeah, it's a no,
Traci Kanaan (42:30):
probably move on. Okay, but that's how, that's how
I did it. Can I switch thecategories? Yeah? Okay, yeah.
No, you're not locked into anyof these. I give you a blank
sheet. You fill in your owncategories because so what I
did, I had my 10 categories, andthen I went out with a guy who
was a 91 and I was like, Iscored myself. I was like, an 86
oh, better than me. I was like,guy. And then we went on a date.
(42:53):
We spent the whole time lookingfor places for him to get high.
Oh, no, 91
Amy Ortiz (42:58):
became a zero. You didn't know that he was a no
clue, yeah, that's a thing. Theydon't always tell you all that
shit so, but that was a time togo on paper. On paper, he was
good, but not in real life,yeah? But.
Music, none of what happens on this podcast is
(00:07):
planned in advance. My guests,my clients, are real people with
incredible stories. They aregraciously sharing their
hypnosis session and theirhealing journey with you the
listener, you will experiencefirst hand, their highs, their
lows and their laps. Hello.Welcome to the hilarious
(00:32):
hypnotist. Guess what? We have arepeat offender on the podcast.
She called me up in the panic. Iknow it has to deal with death,
and a lot of things happen inher life all at once. You might
remember her from a couple yearsago on the podcast where she you
wanted a DP, right? Did thatever happen? Nope, still hasn't.
Amy Ortiz (00:55):
No,
Traci Kanaan (00:56):
alright, but it could, yeah.
Amy Ortiz (00:59):
No, it could, yeah.
Traci Kanaan (01:00):
And then the last time she was here, she you were
somewhere in the midst of yoursobriety journey. Which did you
hit a year yet? Yeah, 14 months.14 months, 14 and a half months.
She's sober now, yeah. And I
Amy Ortiz (01:13):
did lose my dog, which is what I came in for,
yeah. And finally lost her.
Traci Kanaan (01:18):
Oh, alright. I got tissues. There. You need them.
Okay, so the last time she washere, her dog was older, 1516,
years old, and since then, herdog has passed away, which is
tragic enough, as you know, ifyou've lost a pet. But what
happens is that other thingshappen. And she gave me a brief
(01:38):
synopsis on the phone, but fromhere, take it away and tell me
what so sweet pea died inJanuary, yeah,
Amy Ortiz (01:46):
January 4. I had to put her to heaven. She her heart
just finally gave out, and shewas filled with fluids. So I
took her in the ER, and they,you know, gave her a good, a
beautiful transition, okay, andthat was hard. I mean, she was,
she was my world, and I came inlast time to be able to get
through that trauma withoutdrinking, and it worked. But
then, like two days later, mycousin, who's like in his 50s,
(02:09):
died of flu, and he had to betaken off of ventilator, and he
passed away once he got takenoff with ventilator. And so that
was he's my step cousin, but Iwas raised with him when I was
with my father, so I did have arelationship with him. And then
two days after that, my unclefrom my mom's side, he died, and
he was at he was an addict, andhe had pneumonia, and so he also
(02:33):
had to be taken off aventilator, and he didn't die
right away. So it was like thisdrawn out, like, how When's he
going to go? When to go? And sothat happened in the course of
the same, like, five days. Andhe's an addict, yeah? Which is,
you know, kind of touches me,because I, you know, I've
recovered, and he did not. Andso he passed away two days
after, so that was, like, in thesame week, Saturday, Tuesday,
(02:56):
Thursday, okay? And I was, like,not doing well, and I really
wanted to drink, but, you know,doing my program, going to
meetings, talking about,meetings, talk to my sponsor, I
picked up some spots easy,working with others, and and I
stayed sober. And then the endof the month, one of my really
good friends, Jenny, who is wasonly 43 died of a heart attack
in her bed. And
Traci Kanaan (03:14):
I remember seeing that on the website, yeah, so
she passed away.
Amy Ortiz (03:19):
But she had passed away. They said, heart attack.
They think heart attack, but noone did an autopsy because it's
expensive, and her parentsdidn't care. Yeah, but she was
in the like, the way they foundher. She was in the posture of,
like, as she had heart attack,and her her roommates found her
Friday like it was a Fridaymorning the end of the month.
She was young, too. I rememberhaving her she's only a year
(03:40):
older than me. So that reallyhit home. And she had stayed
with me recently because she wasin between houses, and she
stepped on my, my pull out couchfor a week and a half because
she needed, you know, a place tostay between places. Okay? So
did she pass away? That was allthat was. That was January 9.
Friday, January 29 okay? Andthen fast forward to the
following Monday, and Maria, oneof our neighbors, who is also a
(04:02):
client of mine, I took care ofher cat, um, little boy, a
little little boy all the time,Kitty boy, like, at least twice
a month. Like sometimes, like,she'd go, they go on trips, and
I'd be taking care of him for amonth at a time, repeatedly. And
she always would, you know, bemy friend. And we were
neighbors, so I had multipleconnections with her, and she
had pneumonia and took too muchpain med to make herself feel
(04:23):
better, and she died in hersleep, accidentally overdose.
She forgot she had taken painmeds. According to her husband,
she'd forgot to take pain medsand overdose in her sleep. So
that was my fifth death in fiveweeks, and I was just I was
already devastated by the firstthree and then the second two
made it even harder, because Ireally love Jenny and and so I
immediately decided to have acelebration of life for her, and
(04:45):
that was the Friday of thatweek, and I I had that
celebration of life, and itreally gave me closure, at
least. I thought it did. Ithought I was good, and I met
who I believe is my soulmate atthat event. And I immediately.
Only attached to him, like,besides being my soulmate, I
made him my joy, because I wasso sad and I just had such an
(05:07):
healthy, unhealthy attachment.We were together. It's been two
months, two months in a week,since we met and and in that two
months that we he was here, Ijust, like, made him my world.
We, like, spent every secondtogether, and it really was me
masking and not like dealingwith the traumas that I had. And
then, you know, he werepolyamorous, and he had another
partner already, so his, youknow, he went to visit her,
(05:28):
April, 4, and so from the secondhe left, I wasn't able to eat, I
wasn't able to sleep, because Ihad put so much of my my
strength on him, like I didn'thave any strength without him,
because I had really justattached to him so toxically,
and because I had not dealt withmy traumas from the five deaths,
it left me feeling like I waslosing another love, you know,
(05:50):
and the love of my life, likehe's my soul mate, yeah, so, and
since that's been that was aweek that's been two weeks since
then, and then finally, thisweekend, I came to I was like
screaming, and I was so horribleto him, and then I talked to a
good friend of mine who's beenpolyamorous for 30 years, and
she's like, Amy, this is notyou. You need to get help like,
this is you are not you've neverattached like, I've never
attached like this to anybody. Ido admit he's my soulmate. So
(06:12):
this is like, and I actuallyfelt comfortable enough with him
that I was sleeping on his chestand I could sleep through the
whole night, which is like, twothings I haven't done since that
got since back, back up to atrauma I had that I realized
recently. When I was 23 I datedthe this guy for the first time,
Eli, and he was my firstboyfriend. Um, between the ages
(06:32):
of 14 when I was raped and 23when I was raped by two guys. I
didn't have anyone that I hadever attached with. I just
fucked everything that movedthat was my MO. And when I after
the two guys raped me, I waslike, I gotta settle down. And
that's when I met Eli. And Ididn't know, because I'd never
had a boyfriend, that like, thiswasn't normal, but like, he
would like me in the middle whenI was sleeping, he would like,
(06:53):
put his dick in me while I wassleeping, and I would just be
woken up, and I would just belike, is this normal? I didn't
know to question it, because I'dnever been someone's girlfriend,
girlfriend. And so when when meand James met, he actually said
to me, I would never have sexwith you unless you were
completely coherent to give yourconsent. And that's when it
dawned on me, oh, wait, thatwasn't normal. Because my whole
(07:14):
life, every relationship betweenthen and now, I always told the
guys, lay as far away from me asyou possibly can. Don't touch
me. Don't Breathe on me, like Idon't want you anywhere near me.
And that was me protectingmyself so I didn't get raped
again in my sleep, and I wouldjust and most of the time, I
didn't want people to stay over.I was really hesitant to even
let people stay at my housebecause or stay at theirs
because of that. I had so muchanxiety about it because I was I
(07:35):
didn't realize that I felt soaffected by that because I
didn't know it was I didn't knowit was like, not normal, and it
was just me protecting myselffrom something that I thought
was normal. Like, okay, well,he's gonna think. I'm gonna just
let him, you know, I didn't wantthat to happen. So that's why I
was, like, get away from me. Andso James was the first person
that I actually felt safe andcomfortable with. And that's why
I gotta get over this. I gotta,I wanna keep that going. But I
(07:57):
can't have this, this sickattachment, my separation
anxiety is so intense. Like Isaid, I didn't eat for like, a
week and a half. I lost fivepounds in a week and a half
because I could not look at foodwithout feeling sick. And then
the sleep I was maybe gettingthree to five, four hours a
night. It's been devastating formy physical and that's when we
were, like, this past weekend,when I was screaming, and he's
like, we need, you need to getoutside help because, like, I
(08:17):
can't help you because, youknow, I had asked him to come
back. Yeah, okay. James waslike, go call Mel, like, my
friend Mel, that's been Pollyfor 30 years, like, can you
please go call Mel and, like,talk to her, because I really
need you to get some help. And Iwas like, fuck that. You know, I
was angry, but I did reach outto Mel, and she's the one that
called me on my shit. And waslike, This is not you. You know,
she has known me for four and ahalf years. So she's like, this
is not you. You need to get backin touch with you, and you need
(08:40):
to get help. And so that's whatI called you. Okay, so that
brings us to where we are. Well,I don't know how we're
Traci Kanaan (08:45):
going to fill in the other hour and 15 minutes of
this podcast. That was adownload, alright, so, and then
when we spoke on the phone, Isaid, write a letter, yeah, to
the people that you had lost.Yeah. I wrote one. You said that
was helpful. Yeah?
Amy Ortiz (09:00):
It did really make me feel good. I also wrote a letter
to Eli, the guy who, oh, my expartner that had been doing that
for to me for two years, just totell him, you know, like, I
don't know. It's weird. I kindit kind of came out as, like,
that really upset me, and Ididn't realize it. But, yeah,
you've you damaged me, but Ialso forgive you, because, you
know, like, I don't know. MaybeI don't forgive him. I don't
know it's been and then I wrotea letter to my partner, James.
(09:22):
Okay, so that was just verytherapeutic. Thank you for
suggesting that.
Traci Kanaan (09:25):
Awesome. Yeah, because a lot of people, your
unconscious mind doesn't knowreality, if that makes sense, so
that's why I suggested Write,write all those people a letter,
because your unconscious mindwill feel as though it's
speaking to them, even thoughthey can't hear it, but it helps
you process what it is that youfelt for them and how to make
them feel better. Okay, so if Ican wave my fairy Hypno wand,
(09:48):
how would you like to leave herefeeling today? I want to feel
Amy Ortiz (09:52):
centered like centered that I feel like I'm
strong enough of my own withouthim with I mean, I want to be
with him, but I don't want himto be my only source of.
Happiness. I really need to findmy joy again, okay. And I think
just maybe, just dealing withthe traumas, like, I don't know,
being at peace. Let's say thatbeing at peace with my loss, my,
my five losses in five weeks,would be really nice, yeah,
(10:14):
because that is a really hardand I mean, my, my AA, friends
were like, we weren't justworried you were gonna go out.
We thought you're gonna have amental breakdown, because that's
a lot. And I was like, Yeah, Ijust immediately imposed. I
literally put all my securityand my my enjoyment and James,
because he I met him right atthe tail end. And I was just
like, I don't want to feel theway I've been feeling I needed.
And just I brace, embraced himso hard, and that turned into
(10:36):
separation anxiety when he leftto go with his other partner,
you know,
Traci Kanaan (10:39):
okay, what's his relationship with the other
partner? So I have a whole he'sbeen with this other partner.
Hello.
Amy Ortiz (10:45):
Well, they met online, and that's for a year.
They talked online, and thenthey met in person, 6678,
Unknown (10:52):
months ago. Okay, so the other partner eight months
Amy Ortiz (10:58):
actually, that they've been in person? Yeah,
Traci Kanaan (11:01):
okay. And that person is here, far away in
Amy Ortiz (11:04):
Kansas City. Oh, alright. So he had to drive up
Kansas, and then to make evenmatters worse, here, he lives
here, but he went to visit herthere and make matters worse.
When he got there, he was soexcited to see her, they forgot
to call me to tell me that hearrived. And that really helped
me feel like he didn't he hadabandoned me, that he was
leaving me, and that he made iteven worse, like I literally
would that was the trigger thatset me off to be like, Oh, and
(11:25):
also, I was in a car accident in2004 where I was in a coma for
four days and my family couldn'tfind me for two days. So when
people take long drives, I'mlike, Call me as soon as you get
there, so I know you're safe,because I'm so scared of people
having accidents. I only drove10 hours and got in that car
accident. He drove 2424 hourswith only two naps, one hour
naps, two, one hour naps. Thathe's crazy, but he wanted to get
(11:45):
there so bad, and then heimmediately forgot about me and
jumped right in the sectordriving town. Yes, I know that's
what I'm saying, that thatdefinitely triggered me to go
back to these other traumas thatI had to deal that I didn't deal
with but I hadn't dealt with. SoOh, thank you.
Traci Kanaan (11:59):
All right. So we got all this loss, alright? And
then literally, when he leaves,it was like another death.
That's really what it felt like.Yeah, that's what it felt like,
because it was somebody elsethat you counted on, trusted,
supported, that just vanished,alright, and compounded, not
calling, forgetting to call.Okay? So now, alright, how do
(12:23):
you want to go about this? Wehave a heart attack. Who of all
of these was the hardest? SweetPea. Sweet Pea was that was the
kickoff,
Amy Ortiz (12:36):
yeah, okay. I mean, I've had her for I had her for
16, almost 16 half years, and Iactually made her my world
before James, like she was thesource of my joy. And, you know,
as my last, last time I told youguys, I really thought when I
when she was going to go. I hadplanned to kill myself, but you
gave me that tool with my firstsession with you, and I didn't
want to kill myself anymore. AndI got rid of all the drugs I had
(12:58):
stockpiles. And so I was readyto like, but I wasn't still
ready to say goodbye. I, like, Iwrote my letter that I'd give
anything to have her back. Like,I still, I carry her around in
my login.
Traci Kanaan (13:06):
Oh, awesome. Yeah. So she's with you always, but
Amy Ortiz (13:09):
kinda, but I still miss, you know, the business
when she, you know, when I gethome and she's not there to
visit that and she's in yourhead,
Traci Kanaan (13:15):
yeah, awesome. Alright, so what's going right?
Amy Ortiz (13:19):
Meeting James, I mean me, my soulmate. That was
definitely a positive. Okay,
Traci Kanaan (13:23):
so James has gone, right, yeah. And I
Amy Ortiz (13:27):
got a new job. I'm now a groomer, like I got. I
moved up in the world. I movedup in the world. So that's gone,
right?
Traci Kanaan (13:32):
You've gone from a vet tech to a groomer, yeah? And
I love seeing the your work,
Amy Ortiz (13:38):
the group page, yeah,
Traci Kanaan (13:40):
that tech to a groomer because you were
practicing on everybody's Yeah?
Amy Ortiz (13:43):
I still am. I just did a bath. I was running a
little late because I did abath. Miss now, okay,
Traci Kanaan (13:48):
so groomer, what else has gone right?
Amy Ortiz (13:51):
My program, I'm still sober, 14, you know, like it was
huge to get through that, allthose traumas, sober, it really
was, yeah,
Traci Kanaan (13:58):
so the program 14 and a half months. 14 and a half
months,
Amy Ortiz (14:04):
I'm really, I'm really thankful that God helped
me get through that because Ihad to go to six meetings a day
when sweepy first, like, whenthat first week happened,
because I was so sad and I wasgoing to drink. I wanted to
drink so bad, like, the urgent,
Traci Kanaan (14:16):
so you're clean
Amy Ortiz (14:18):
from drugs. Yeah, yeah. So clean and so
Traci Kanaan (14:21):
liquor and drugs, yeah? Okay, what else?
Amy Ortiz (14:29):
Oh, I lost 13 pounds. Not near so fluid by choice, I
know, but, but I have lost 13pounds. That's not a bad
Traci Kanaan (14:36):
thing. The thyroid, that doesn't give a 13
pounds is amazing. Yeah,
Amy Ortiz (14:40):
that's a positive, but it wasn't, it like, wasn't
gotten there by, I mean, thefirst, like six were because I
was not overeating as much andgetting a lot more exercise with
sex, but, but after that, it wasjust all that. It was also it
was all just like, oh, I can'teat. But, yes, alright. And then
Traci Kanaan (14:56):
you James. So what's amazing about James? You.
He asked for consent. Yeah,
Amy Ortiz (15:02):
he and I are good at going on adventures all the
time. He really loves me like,unconditional, like, he reminds
me of Sweet Pea the way he lovesme. And are you gonna groom him?
He actually, he actually, heasked me to cut his hair. So
that's okay. And I was like, I'mnot sure. I don't I haven't done
humans before only dogs. He'slike, he can cut me like a
(15:22):
snazzy I'm like, Oh, my God,he's funny. He makes me laugh.
Traci Kanaan (15:25):
Uh, yeah. African said he's a good travel buddy.
Yeah? He makes me laugh. Okay,laugh. You're Yeah, you see this
chest. Feel
Amy Ortiz (15:35):
safe and secure with him, with him, and for sure,
secure like I've never felt thisway about anybody, and it's
scary, but I love it. Okay.
Traci Kanaan (15:46):
What else? What
Amy Ortiz (15:53):
else actually dating an age appropriate person, which
is another thing. I used to dateyounger guys, because I never
wanted to be attached toanybody, really. And that was
just my attachment style hasalways been avoidance, but then
I get with him, and now I'manxiety attachment style, like
it just flipped like that.
Traci Kanaan (16:11):
So age appropriate, yeah, what else
trying
Amy Ortiz (16:14):
to think? What other good things have happened? I
mean, that's I think I can'tthink of
Traci Kanaan (16:21):
anything. Else, okay, so just Just to recap,
yeah, in the six weeks of hell,you found somebody who gets
Polly, gets you, yeah, who'sasked for consent. Great travel
buddy makes you laugh. You feelsafe and secure with them. He's
actually age appropriate. Youlost 13 pounds. You remained
(16:45):
sober from liquor and drugsthrough this whole thing with a
total of 14 and a half months,even though you had to go to six
meetings a day right after SweetPea died. And you've elevated
from vet tech to groomer. I sosee why you're here, you know,
(17:08):
like, this is all good stuff,yeah. So now think about where
were you five years ago? I
Amy Ortiz (17:16):
was still living in Virginia. I was a vet tech. I
was making more money than I'mmaking than I was making than I
was making as a vet tech here,but that's just because the
state of Virginia pays more.Yeah, had a, let's see. I had a
place with a couple roommates. Iwas running a dungeon in my
basement. That was really fun. Ihad, I had sweet pea. She was
(17:37):
still young, chicken, youngish.I had, I didn't really, I don't
think I was dating anybody atthat time, because I was just
planning, I was about to move toFlorida, so I didn't have any
relationships.
Traci Kanaan (17:49):
Okay, not dating, yeah, would you say you're
better now than you were fiveyears ago?
Amy Ortiz (17:57):
I would, yeah.
Traci Kanaan (17:58):
I mean, apart from all the trauma I'm not dealing
with, yeah, were you drugs anddrinking five years ago? Yeah?
So you're heavily drugs anddrinking five years ago,
Amy Ortiz (18:08):
but I still maintain a job and just pissed off my
friends a lot. Yeah,
Traci Kanaan (18:12):
all right, so pissed off friends. So bring
that in for a moment, thatyou're so much better off now
than you were five years ago. Isthat amazing to you? Yeah,
Amy Ortiz (18:32):
but it's also scary, because I'm like, what like,
what else I'm kind of, I mean,yeah, it's scary, but good. But
Traci Kanaan (18:38):
now think about all the strength that it took
for you to not drink and dodrugs when you were getting
death after death after deathafter death. It
Amy Ortiz (18:48):
wasn't my strength, it was God, because I could not
have, if it would have been onme, I would not have stayed
sober like I did not want tostay sober. I wanted to drink so
hard, you know. But I did itbecause I I've told so many
people I'm sober, how horriblewould that look if I came in?
Right?
Traci Kanaan (19:04):
Yeah, that's what I love, peer pressure and the
best way. Yeah. And
Amy Ortiz (19:07):
that's why I tell people, because I want them to
keep me accountable, and itmakes me feel bad if I and even
if I think about drinking, I'mlike, everyone's going to be
Traci Kanaan (19:15):
mad at me. Don't do it. So I love that. You say
it wasn't you, it was God, yeah,okay, I don't care, yeah, who my
higher power? Yeah, I don't carewho helped you, honestly, that
you have God higher power onyour team, yeah? Who all got you
through this? Who else was onyour team? So, your sponsor? So
(19:38):
you have God, first of all,sponsor, yeah, my
Amy Ortiz (19:41):
sponsor is that a
Traci Kanaan (19:45):
no? Is your first initial? S, no, l, l, okay. She
Amy Ortiz (19:52):
was my she was my first sponsor. Now I switched
sponsors. All
Traci Kanaan (19:58):
right, so your sponsor helped you not? All
right, eventually, James,
Amy Ortiz (20:02):
my friends in and out of the program. Your friends in
and out? Yeah, I still,thankfully, still have a lot of
friends from before. Even thoughthey said we're so glad you
stopped drinking, you were suchan asshole, they still stayed my
friends, right? I'm surprised,but they have been supporting me
through it. Okay?
Traci Kanaan (20:21):
Friends in and out. Who else? Who else is on
your team? My sister, yoursister.
Amy Ortiz (20:26):
Um, I've reconnected with my mom since her last
podcast. I did actually call herafter five years and make my
amends and and it it was good.We don't have the same
relationship. But when my grandwhen my uncle, died, I told her
I would go and support her thissummer, because they waited till
the summer because she didn'twant to go home to New York in
the winter, so she lives inArizona in the summer in the
winter. So we're I'm going totry me and James are going to go
(20:47):
up and to the funeral thissummer. So I guess my mom is on
my team, and my dad is on myteam. Okay, that's awesome. And
my stepmom, who I now have abetter relationship with,
because I made my mends, andwe've been
Traci Kanaan (20:59):
talking about stepmom too. Yeah. Okay. Who
else is on your team? My
Amy Ortiz (21:04):
roommate, Julie. She's great. I love about her.
Traci Kanaan (21:08):
Me. Julie, Okay, who else is on your team?
Amy Ortiz (21:14):
My new boss, I mean, he's taken a chance on me. He's
training me fully to become thebest groomer I can be. Because
he loves my energy. He hired meon the phone. He found me. I
didn't even apply to the job.This is the second time that
happened. God is like when Ibecame when I went to become a
bather from being a Vet Tech, Ididn't apply to the job. They
found me, and it was literallywithin 12 hours of getting fired
(21:35):
from being a Vet Tech, I got thenew job. Yeah, God, totally.
God. I was across the streetfrom the place getting blood
drawn. When they emailed me, waslike, Oh, we would love to have
you come in. And I was like,I'll be right over. And they
hired me that day, within 12hours of me being fired, right?
So, God, and then this job, ittook a little longer, I think it
was like a week and two daysbefore Avi, the new owner, he
reached out, was like, I wouldlove to have you come in. And
(21:56):
he's like, you've got such goodenergy. And they hired me on.
And so I was only without a jobthis time after also getting
fired. So I got burned twice,but I got jobs without that with
I've been applying for them. SoGod has really been working in
my pro Why am I so sad? But I'mlike, I just, I haven't been
processing, I haven't touchingon what the I'm doing. I'm like,
(22:17):
I just haven't been processingthe laws of the thing. And it
just like, comes back, and Idon't know why. Like, I think
what's really happening is Ijust made that really
unhealthiest, like, attachmentto him. And yes, I really should
be trusting God, like I reallyshould be, because he's been
doing so much for me, but at thesame time, like, my heart is
just, like, so attached to Jamesthat I need it to, like, relax,
you know, come back to me,because it's not attached to me
(22:39):
right now. It really isn't likeI'm even though we said Sunday,
which was two days ago, wehaven't talked because I told
him I need space. Like, that'swhat Mel recommended. Who told
James this? Yeah, I told James Ineed space. So said Sunday, I
haven't talked to him, andthat's really been good for me.
I'm eating again, and I sleptthrough the night, one night,
not all nights, but one night.And so, like, that's really
helping. But I that's not a longterm solution, because I do want
(23:02):
to be with him. So Mel was justsaying, Just give yourself time
to I have my heart. I have toget my heart back in my chest,
like I don't have it with meright now, like it just feels
like it's not in me right now.
Traci Kanaan (23:10):
Okay? Because there, there's, yeah, there's a
time when you can do stuff onyour own, but having a team like
this is huge, and honestly, youneeded this scene to get you
through that, because that wassuch a heavy load. Yeah, you
know what I'm saying? Like,there's no way you could have
(23:30):
done that all yourself. So therewas a time in my life where the
same week I left my marriage of17 ish, 17 and a half years, and
then I was also to go on acomedy trip. Called my mom to
say goodbye. She didn't answer.I turned around, came back,
(23:52):
found her unconscious, and soliterally, the same week I
became I went from happilymarried with no kids to the
single mother of a 74 year old,72 year old, and it was a heavy
load. And like you, I'm like,Oh, I gotta find strength. And I
felt like I was so dependent.But I found, I put together my
(24:16):
own team, and I actually found aguy that, Dr Ken, I'll give him
a shout out. I think he'sretired now, but doctor Ken
pulled me through. And one ofthe things, the best advice that
I ever got, I think I actuallydid a blog on this, was
sometimes you gotta make adeposit in your happy account,
(24:37):
because your happy account whowas in the negative, right? All
those withdrawals, right? You'reout, just cash out, cash out,
cash out, cash out. And so Jamesbecame a big deposit. And then
when James became a withdrawal,fuck, I'm back to nothing again.
So it's making sure that you putstuff into your happy account.
(24:59):
You. I have tissues here. Thankyou. Yeah, makeup is expensive.
Don't make me cry. Alright,okay, so, so having this team, I
think, is amazing. That was justtoo heavy alone for you to lift.
So I'm okay with you leaning oneverything you had to get you
(25:25):
through that. I hope you areokay. So now, yeah, James, at
this point, was a flash point,okay, because you had lost so
much, and then all of a suddenJames is gone too, and your body
got like another loss, anotherloss, another loss, and now it
(25:50):
tried to protect you from losinghim again. Yeah. So how do we
find stability in that? Okay,what was the thing that got you
through when Sweet Pea passedaway? Went to meetings, lots of
meetings,
Amy Ortiz (26:08):
talked to my sponsor like almost every hour. Okay,
Traci Kanaan (26:11):
did that help? Yeah, okay. I
Amy Ortiz (26:14):
went out and see I went and I did step work and met
some new sponsors. I worked withalcoholics. That really helped.
I actually just pick a newpicked up a new sponsor
yesterday. So, oh, rookie, onthe steps to read that you're
helping, yeah, somebody I'mhelping, because that's that's
such a big part of the programis you have to give it away, to
keep it and it really gets meout of my head, which is good,
but, you know, there's only somany people that are biting as a
bit to be a sponsor like, youknow, you have to get a willing
(26:36):
person. And so. And this girl,she approached me at a meeting
and and I, but I did tell herthat I'd have to reset her so
Friday day because she's stilldoing weed. Still doing weed.
But I said, I'll start thestatue, but when you stop weed,
I'm going to make you set yourreason. She said, okay, so okay,
but yeah, i Because, you know, Ibelieve no substances should be,
you know, it should be allsubstances, but that's just my
belief and my sponsor's belief.You know what? She passed down
(26:56):
to me, perfect. So anyways, allthat to say, yes, that's
something else I did was get outof myself and help others be of
service.
Traci Kanaan (27:03):
All right, awesome. So that's all good
stuff. You went to the support,and then you flipped it and you
helped somebody else, somebodywho needed was probably in worse
shape than you, yeah, at thispoint, because they didn't have
a year of sobriety behind that.So how awesome Are you? Okay, so
(27:25):
now let's get you groundedagain.
Amy Ortiz (27:29):
Like I just feel so lost and like I'm floating and
and, you know, I'm better sincethen I won Sunday, because once
I realized the problem, my bodywas like, What the hell are you
doing? But like, you know, I'mstill, like, mentally, like, Oh,
Traci Kanaan (27:42):
yeah. So in Chinese medicine, there's five
elements, and I'm probably goingto butcher this in some way,
shape or form. But you have fiveelements, you have wood, you
have Earth, you have metal, youhave fire, you have water. Right
(28:10):
when you get too much heat, youbecome fire, and you start to
raise. This happens to me. I getreal pissed, and he rises. Yeah,
right. And so not that you werepissed, but you were upset that
something you would relied onwasn't there anymore. So it was
(28:31):
a form of pissed, but then therewas also loss. So what the thing
is, we need to do is bring yourfire back down to earth. We can
do that with water. Okay, wateris probably your default. What's
Water? Water? More fluid. Kindof the caretaker, okay, just
(28:53):
more of a down to earth. Fire.People are always the hot headed
ones that
Amy Ortiz (28:59):
I used to be before I became sober, I was fired. I was
so detached, like someone lookedat me wrong. I'd like, get out,
like I was so fire, yeah, beforeI became, you know, sober, and
now I've been more so more waterbrought you, brought you back
down. Yeah, to care for othersand
Traci Kanaan (29:15):
yeah. So what you want to do
Amy Ortiz (29:17):
banish them the second they wronged me, they
made a mistake, because that'sall he did. He made a mistake.
He made a mistake. He didn'tcall me. But in my head, it's
like a total portrayal and andlike, I've made it way bigger
than it could be because of mypast traumas.
Traci Kanaan (29:28):
Alright, so let's go into this. Go ahead and close
your eyes for a moment, and Iwant you to think about where,
where do you feel that loss?Somewhere between your head and
your toes, there's loss in yourheart. Okay, that's what heart
means, love, you know. So focuson that loss in your heart. What
(29:54):
color is it?
Amy Ortiz (29:58):
Orange came up first.
Traci Kanaan (29:59):
Well. Orange, yeah, why? I don't read into the
whole color thing. So just thatwas just the first thing that's
popped my head all right, soorange, is it hard or is it
soft? Is hard? Art, bigger,little, it feels really big,
big. Okay. Is it moving or is itstill still, still okay? Are
(30:26):
there any people in that orange,hard, big, still shape in your
heart? No, it's just just afeeling. Just a feeling okay.
Any reason why you would want tokeep this.
Amy Ortiz (30:42):
I This is love, right? Why would I want to keep
love?
Traci Kanaan (30:46):
Um, that's why I asked. Is there any part of it
that you want to keep? I know.Let's try this. Could you
separate the orange, hard bakedstill from the true love that
you feel for sweet pea and thepeople that you lost. Yeah,
(31:11):
okay, go ahead and do that, anddo it by the most lovely, gentle
way possible. Think of it asyou're going to keep the best of
sweet pea and the best of yourcousin and uncle, and it's time
to let go of the loss.
(31:39):
And if for whatever reason, thismay or may not work, let me
know. I got other ways to dothis.
Amy Ortiz (31:47):
It feels a little the rock feels a little lighter,
okay, I feel I picture it like arock. I don't know why, okay,
just looks like a rock sittingthere. Let's go ahead and take
Traci Kanaan (31:55):
the rock out. All right. So that means play along,
reaching in there and pullingout that rock. Go ahead, reach
in your heart and say thank you,rock for trying to keep me safe,
but I can't keep you becausethis is keeping me ungrounded.
(32:19):
Let me say that or whateverwords work for you.
Amy Ortiz (32:23):
Thank you, rock. But I can't keep Okay, go ahead
Traci Kanaan (32:27):
and take that. Rock out. Okay, what's left? How
does it feel inside?
Amy Ortiz (32:34):
Feels lighter later, okay, um,
Traci Kanaan (32:38):
did what's in there fill in, or is there still
a hole, still a hole. Okay, sotake a look at that rock in your
hands, alright? And thisrepresents love that's lost. All
right. So what I want you to dobreathe, and if you need to let
some tears go, now's a greattime to do that. You
(33:05):
Is there more? Let it
go? Oh, I'm not going to let youdo that. We're going to put it
back, but in A happy phone. Ipromise
Amy Ortiz (33:30):
you that so much.
Traci Kanaan (33:54):
You ready to move on? Okay, so that rock that
you're holding in your hands,this is the love that's lost.
Okay, I want you to go ahead andthank this rock, because this
rock showed you how strong youreally are. This rock also
showed you how resourceful youwere. You knew that you couldn't
(34:18):
do this alone. You reached out.Guess what old Amy would have
done? She would have reached infor liquor and some weed. Called
it a day, right? Yeah. So thisrock is strength. Okay, so now
what I want you to do is in thatrock, right? It's still. I want
you to go ahead and move it inyour hands so like a twisting
(34:40):
motion, and let it just going tosee if I gave you a real object,
but I want you to imagineputting in all that strength
that it took to not drink andnot do drugs, okay, all the
strength it took to reach. Outso physical. Just broke.
Amy Ortiz (35:04):
What's broke? I feel like the rock just broke. Oh, I
feel like it fell apart in myhands.
Traci Kanaan (35:09):
Is that good? I don't know. Tell me, does it
feel good? Yeah, all right, then
Amy Ortiz (35:16):
I like crumpled it. Awesome, awesome. I don't know
that's weird. Is that weird? I
Traci Kanaan (35:26):
had that with another client too. We were
doing a similar process, andshe's like, it broke. I was
like, say good or bad.
Amy Ortiz (35:35):
I like, started putting strength and it like,
frackled it.
Traci Kanaan (35:38):
Okay, so now what I want to do is put good stuff
back in, okay, so in this,whatever's left of it, put in
that strength that you found toreach out to people who you knew
could help you, okay, put inthere all the goodness that you
(35:58):
found James and how real, howrewarding that relationship has
been, because that showed youwhat a real relationship is like
somebody who actually asked forconsent to touch you, what
right, what right? Okay, so goahead and put in there that God
(36:18):
helped you. Even though he gotyou fired a couple of times, he
still found you a great job,right?
Amy Ortiz (36:25):
Yes, I don't think he'd pause the pairing, but I
know you mean
Traci Kanaan (36:29):
whatever. You just smile. It got you to now
grooming pets. So you're stillworking with animals which you
love, okay? And you're actuallya pet mom to more pets than you
ever were with Sweet Pea thisway. Okay, so what other left?
You've reconnected with yourmom, your sister, your step mom
(36:53):
and your dad, right? You have agreat support system with your
sponsor, with your roommate,your friends, both in and out of
the program. So now, what'swhat's happening there? Whatever
the rock that was splintered,what's there? Now
Amy Ortiz (37:13):
it's the same, but I'm putting stuff like making
making the pieces bigger Good.
Traci Kanaan (37:18):
Go ahead and keep adding to it. Make those pieces
bigger. Okay, now you're asupport for someone in the
program. You're somebody'sstrength, yeah, okay. That means
somebody's going to call youwhen they have deaths in their
family and they're tempted,right? So now you gotta be
responsible. You can't go backto everybody and say that you
(37:40):
quit? No way you got peoplerelying on you now. So go ahead
and keep adding goodness tothat. Keep adding love to that.
Keep adding all that creativityand energy that you poured into
learning how to be a doggroomer. Mm, hmm. Do they have
cat groomers? Yes, but I am. Oh,wow. Okay, alright, we'll stick
(38:01):
with dog grooming for now. Okay,so now has that grown? The
pieces are big. Okay, what Iwant you to do now, go ahead and
turn it. Go ahead spin it in away that feels great for you,
okay, and keep adding love toit. Because I want this to get,
like, super big and huge. Okay,so put all that fun, all that
poly. Okay, your poly, thatmeans you have, like, twice the
(38:24):
love is everybody else on thisplanet to give to other people
that give to you. Okay, alright,fun times with James. He's cute.
You make good selfies, right?Put all that in there. I pay
attention. Go ahead, put that inthere. Keep turning it, keep
turning it. Keep spinning it.Keep spinning it. Look at this.
(38:46):
This is grounding Amy. Go aheadand put that love in. And when
it gets to be like twice thesize, keep spinning it even
faster. I wanted to get it likeat least three, four times the
size. Okay, alright, keep addinglove to it. Think of how you are
sweet pea around your neck. Allthat love, okay, that dog meant
(39:07):
so much to you. That dog knewalright. And when you're ready,
take whatever that is you'reholding and put it in your heart
where that orange rock was. Letthat reverberate through your
whole body, notice how itgrounds you, and notice how
(39:35):
whole and complete you feel.Guess what? James isn't here.
You did all that yourself.
You did everything right throughthis whole shit show, you did
(39:57):
everything right. You. How doesthat feel, knowing you did
everything right?
Amy Ortiz (40:06):
Amazing. Because I didn't think I would. Yeah, my
sponsor, the first night, when Icalled her, when sweetie died,
was like, I know you're notgoing to drink. And I was like,
but I really want to drink. Andshe's like, but you're not going
to how awesome is that? And I'mlike, okay, but I well, I get so
much for like, it would have we,yeah, oh, man, but yeah, she had
such faith in me.
Traci Kanaan (40:27):
You did everything, right? It wasn't
even in my life then, yeah, I
I'm whole without him, we are
Amy Ortiz (40:51):
even though the part the Brock broke into pieces. I
don't know why that was. Thepieces got bigger, and now
they're
Traci Kanaan (40:57):
in my heart. Yeah, and that's okay. What needed to
break. Had to break. Obviouslyyou couldn't keep carrying that
around. But as I like to say,keep the best of those people
that you lost.
We wrote them all letters towhat they meant to you and hold
(41:23):
on to those letters and review.But yeah, you were whole and
complete the whole time. You dideverything right? You
(41:43):
alright. So what you do, youhave your 10 categories cool.
And what you do is you gothrough and you do a scale of
one to 10 on everything. So analcoholic would be a one.
Somebody who's sober is 10, is10. Gotcha, alright? Somebody
who doesn't have kids is a 10.Somebody with little babies is a
(42:04):
zero for you. Someone who's dogfriendly, all right, maybe they
like cats. Give them a five,alright, so I got to know what
you do. You go through on ascale of one to 10, yeah, add
them all up, and you know that90% is an A, okay? 80% is a b
and so on. So if you getsomebody who's like a 79 or
(42:25):
below,
Amy Ortiz (42:26):
if you're not, if it's not how, yeah, it's a no,
Traci Kanaan (42:30):
probably move on. Okay, but that's how, that's how
I did it. Can I switch thecategories? Yeah? Okay, yeah.
No, you're not locked into anyof these. I give you a blank
sheet. You fill in your owncategories because so what I
did, I had my 10 categories, andthen I went out with a guy who
was a 91 and I was like, Iscored myself. I was like, an 86
oh, better than me. I was like,guy. And then we went on a date.
(42:53):
We spent the whole time lookingfor places for him to get high.
Oh, no, 91
Amy Ortiz (42:58):
became a zero. You didn't know that he was a no
clue, yeah, that's a thing. Theydon't always tell you all that
shit so, but that was a time togo on paper. On paper, he was
good, but not in real life,yeah? But.
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