EP 63: Staying Strong and Sober Through Grief and Loss, With Amy - Part 2 - The Hilarious Hypnotist

Episode Transcript
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Traci Kanaan (00:04):
Music, none of what happens on this podcast is
planned in advance. My guests,my clients, are real people with
incredible stories. They aregraciously sharing their
hypnosis session and theirhealing journey with you, the
listener, you will experiencefirsthand, their highs, their

(00:26):
lows and their laps. And sendJames a little extra thanks,
because I know how polyrelation, poly relationships
either last forever or it's ashort time. Whatever this is
with James, he was exactly whatyou needed to get you through

(00:50):
that time.

Amy Ortiz (00:51):
God, God Robin. That

was your happy deposit.

Amy Ortiz (00:55):
And it was so funny, because this band that I had was
a celebration of Jenny and amusic thing. And He came for the
music thing, and he he said,I've always, like, been hesitant
about going to, like, fence thisfar away because I, like, about
an hour from him, but he's like,but I had no hesitation. I was
like, this is where I need to betonight. And we hugged, and it
was electric. And he literallylooked out at me and said, you

(01:15):
feel like home to me after justa hug. And I said, you too. And
then I kissed him in fronteverybody, and I was like, I
don't even care. I'm feelingthis energy, those energies,
James. And it was just so good.And then it's been a whirlwind
ever since, yeah, and we havespent as much like, oh

yeah, there's another selfie

Amy Ortiz (01:39):
I love showing him off.

Yeah, yeah. So that's awesome,

Amy Ortiz (01:43):
really. It really has been like bad

feeling. Now, are you feeling more grounded? Okay,
good, alright, so now we gottalock this in, alright. So what
do we do here? Um, this isdifficult because I don't know
what this was, okay. Go aheadand pick a shape and a color

(02:08):
that feels good for you, becauseI want you to be able to really
connect with a shape orsomething that feels good for
you. Okay, let's say

Amy Ortiz (02:16):
hearts. Purple. Purple Heart.

Alright, so go ahead, think to yourself, Purple
Heart, and go ahead and send inall that love like we did
before, Purple Heart, all thepeople that you have affection
for, okay, you're probably goingto get another dog at some
point. I just have a feeling,

Amy Ortiz (02:39):
not soon,

I get it, yeah, I get it. She's

Amy Ortiz (02:43):
gonna she's irreplaceable. But probably
everybody's been asking me tofoster. I'm like, No, don't

foster. Make it yours. But Purple Heart, go
ahead, put all that love back inthere. Okay, put in all the
times the past three or fourmonths that you did everything
right, everything right. Youreached out when you needed to.

(03:13):
You saw you were in over yourhead. You called in your favors
and you got through it allright? And contrast that to the
Amy of three years ago, whowouldn't have been able to do it
if she didn't have the tools andthe resources that she's got
now, the hot mess, yeah, andthink of all the people that you

(03:36):
made peace with, all right? Andwhen you're ready, go ahead and
put that purple heart in. Put itin where put it in where you're
that hole was just so put yourhands over your heart like this,
and just lock it in. That'sright. Just think Purple Heart,
and let all those feelingsreturn. Purple Heart that I am

(03:59):
grounded, I am peace, I am calm,I am serene. I'm evolving, but
I'm on the right trash. I thinkabout everything that I've
accomplished. I think abouteverything that it took to get

(04:23):
me here, and I think abouteverything that it has taken for
me to stay here. You're gonnashit I actually pulled out a
purple pen. Hello, purple butPurple Heart. Purple Heart.

(04:51):
Okay, now let's test this alittle bit. Okay, James is going
to James is going to visit hisWhat do you call it? Metamorph.
Her his partner. So my metaphor,okay, your metamore, he's going
to visit his partner. Okay, howlong is he going to be gone?
Three Well, this time. Threeweeks. Three weeks. Okay. So
what does Amy do?

Amy Ortiz (05:13):
Hang out with her friends. Okay, get a sponsor
too. Yeah, um, work a program.Go to karaoke and have fun, go
to munches, hang out for Kikipeople, and just connect with my
community. And, oh, I'm actuallystarting a recovering a
lifestyle meeting at the localdungeon. So that's something I'm

(05:33):
also doing, right? Yeah? Sothat's awesome, and
incorporating my two communities

together stay sober.

Amy Ortiz (05:43):
Yeah. So I'm really excited about that. So think

about that, that the time that you could have
been worried about James, you'reinvesting in yourself, you're
investing in your community, andyou're investing in other
people. So how's that feeling?Really good.

Amy Ortiz (06:06):
I was cloudy, but it's come like clear that, yeah,
do you have, I do have a lot ofhappiness on my own, yeah? And a
lot of strength,

yeah? And I think had you not incurred all those
losses, you would have been justfine. But just the timing of it,
right? It was just bad timing.

Amy Ortiz (06:28):
And then my roommate just lost her sister last week,
so it's just like, just like,really? And my roommate says to
me, she says, I kind of think Idon't want to live with you
anymore. Everyone's dying aroundyou. And I was like, Julie, why
do you got to give me a you gotto give me a complex jokingly,
but still, was like

her sister died, really? Julie. Fuck off. Julie.
Fuck off. Julie. Everybody diesbecause they know me. Not
everybody dies because theyknow. Lots of people that die
that don't know me. There's lotsof people that die that don't
know me. They live in otherstates. They live in other
states. 49 other states. 49other states. Fuck off, Julie.
Fuck off. I love you, but I loveyou, but you're rock Good. Take

(07:06):
a nice deep breath in, blow itall away and say peace. Be good.

Amy Ortiz (07:17):
When she said that, I was like, oh my god, Julie, and
I was saying that, and then hersister died. You're

not responsible for that? Not at all. So good.
Thank you. Alright, let's checkour work. Alright, so James is
gone, and how do you feel good?Excited. Get to reconnect with
you, and we can do my friends,it gives you an opportunity to

(07:44):
appreciate what you have withhim too. Yeah, so that when he
comes back to visit you, maybehe'll be so excited to see you
that he'll forget to call

Amy Ortiz (07:57):
the partner. Yeah, he's on that, but it was, you
know, we're in the newrelationship energy, the
honeymoon phase, yeah. So, yeah,like three Yeah, not everybody.
I said those two things becauseeveryone knows what NRE is. So
three things, three ways to callit.

NRE is new relationship energy. And

Amy Ortiz (08:17):
for, for you vanilla people, the honeymoon phase,

yeah, the honeymoon phase. For Yes, I walk
both worlds. Yep, pink world,and it's out. Love it so good,
alright. So are you feeling morecentered? Yeah. Are you feeling
more peace totally? Are youfeeling strong enough on your
own now? Yeah,

Amy Ortiz (08:39):
you will, yeah, but I'm still missing him. Like, is
that gonna stay?

It's okay to miss him. It's definitely okay to
miss him again. You can writehim a note. Yeah, I did. And
then when you chat on the phone,do you get to chat with him?
Well,

Amy Ortiz (08:58):
we were chatting twice. We were video chatting.
You're taking a break just forthe last couple days. I mean, I
don't know, like, how long thatshould last, because I don't
know if I'm going to reattach tohim. Just because I'm talking to
him, what's your heart tell you,I don't know. I'm scared. I'm
scared that I'm going toreattach to him.

It, you know what? It's okay to attach to?

Amy Ortiz (09:19):
Well, I don't want to unhealthy attach. That's, that's
what I'm afraid of. I'm scaredof unhealthily attaching to him
again, because I did it soeasily the first time. How is,
how do you know it's unhealthy?Because I like made him my sole
source of joy there for a hotminute. Did you

or did you just change your focus for a moment?

Amy Ortiz (09:45):
I felt like I did, because, you know, when you
left, it was so hard for me.Yeah,

again, I think it was the timing of everything.
Yeah.
Where is he back now? No, he's

Amy Ortiz (10:05):
back still two weeks. We get him

to go. He's still got a weekend, yeah, okay, what
if you viewed it as a work trip?

Amy Ortiz (10:15):
He's still the it's the distance that hurts me, not
the worry. You know what? He'sthat he's with her, like, I
don't have problem with her.He's just, he's not here, yeah,
he's not here because her, yeah,her and I have talked and
connected, okay? But you stillget to talk to him, yeah, it's
just the distance. I think itwas just like, the not having
him to touch has really beenhard for me, okay? And I'm
worried if I video with himagain, if I see him, I'm going

(10:37):
to just go right back to beinglike, so sad and missing him.
And I don't know if that's agood thing, and I know it's not
bad to miss, but you know, likeI said, I feel like I'm going to
spiral out again, like I've beenYeah,

I trust your instincts, okay? But I don't
think avoiding him is thehealthy brain, okay? I think
having having a little piece ofhim in your life is better than
not at all, yeah? Because hebrings you so much joy. Yeah,
you know, it's like,

Amy Ortiz (11:06):
it was really hard not to text him, like, it's been
really hard. Yeah,

it's like, chocolate, you know? Oh, I love
chocolate. I gotta havechocolate every day. No, you
can't have chocolate anymore. Ireally want chocolate now. It's
the same thing. So I would, um,I would still keep in touch and
then be happy for him.Conversion. I'm gonna

Amy Ortiz (11:29):
tell him we can't say I miss you anymore, because that
really we started the trip withnot saying it, and then he
started saying it, and it justmade me spiral, because I'm
like, saying that just makes itmore real for me. And I don't
want it to be real. I want it tobe like, I want to support him
where he's at. Him where he'sat, you know, and I do have
conversion. It's just thedistance. Like I said, I
couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep,and I was like, what's going on?
My body was reacting in such acrazy

way about it. I'm just imagine yourself talking to
him again. What? What wouldhappen? Would you be okay? I
don't

Amy Ortiz (11:59):
know. I really can't see picture. I'm just like, I
feel like I'm going to cry,because I'm crying a lot. Okay?

I don't know it was okay, though, because you
finally found somebody that yougel with, yeah, finally, who's
someone you know respects you.And, I mean, that's what love
is. It's okay to cry, yeah?

Amy Ortiz (12:25):
So it gives me a little anxiety, yeah,

because you're not, I mean, you're still doing
your other activities, you'restill, you're still doing your
dog grooming, hanging out myfriends, you're still hanging
out with your friends. So it's,it's not like you're scheduling
a flight and tracking him down,and whoever he is following him
around, he did

Amy Ortiz (12:47):
send me the address, and I was like, you're there.
You could die. You could havediagnosed car ride. I didn't
have no idea where you are. So Ihave her number now and his her
address, just a case. But thatdidn't really make me feel
better, because I like, Well, atfirst I was like, How would I
know I know where to find him ifhe was to die? They made me feel
better. But it was just like Iwas just tripping. I was really

(13:09):
tripping.

Try and imagine, okay, try and imagine what it
would be like to talk to him.And how do you feel inside?

Amy Ortiz (13:16):
I feel like, like I said, like, there's still some
anxiety, because I feel like I'mgoing to attach unhealthy, which
means I'm going to get reallysad and be like, I need you
back, which is not the way togo, because it's not fair to me
to ask him to come back when hehad made, you know, like, this
is the whole process of Polly issharing time, but you know,

(13:36):
like, I don't want to do that,see,

and that's what's interesting about Polly, Because
once you have something thatyou're really totally invested
in that's hard

Amy Ortiz (13:44):
to share. Yeah, and I told him that he when he right
before he left, I connected witha guy from my past who was also
poly, and he had a flip shit,and he's like, I don't know if
I'm ready for you to date otherpeople. And I'm like, well,
that's Polly. And he's like, Iknow I'm gonna have to deal.
He's like, I'm dealing with myemotions. So he gave me freedom
to pursue it, but it was stilllike he didn't want me to talk
to you about it, which I get it,you know, like, right away,

(14:05):
yeah, but then he was curious.So then you ask questions, like,
do you want me to talk about, ordo you want me to talk about?
So, like, that was somethingnew. And I'm still talking, I'm
actually talking to the guy, andnot, I'm not trying to attach to
him as quickly as I did toJames, because I don't think
he's a soul mate. But I'm still,like, enjoying our
conversations, and slowly,because that's also like kind of
not. I don't want to say he'sdistraction, but he is giving me

(14:27):
alternatives

so that you're talking with somebody else who's
poly, yeah, and testing thewaters, yeah, tells me that your
attachment to James isn't asunhealthy as you might think,
Oh, Really,

Amy Ortiz (14:44):
wow. And think about it like that. Why do I feel like
I need him? Like, I mean, I amstarting to eat better. Like,
actually, yesterday, my appetitecame back with a vengeance when
I hadn't felt like any appetitesince he left. So it was crazy.
I don't know what clicked. Whyall of a sudden, oh, I've been
listening to. Podcast aboutseparation anxiety. I think
that's happening. Okay, yeah,I've been like, like, analyzing

(15:04):
it, how to stop it, you know,like, so I've been journaling, a
lot of journaling, and so I'mdefinitely like, I feel
improved, but I just don't feelthere yet. You know, maybe I'm
not ready to talk to him justbut I know I get what you're
saying. It's not good to avoid.Maybe I'll just like, do like,
one phone call day instead of nothe video call, and the phone
call and the multiple texts,what

a season ease back into. And

Amy Ortiz (15:26):
then when he gets back, we'll just go back to
she's coming back with him, so Iget to meet her. We're going to
see if she can handle Polly.

Oh, because she's not Polly.

Amy Ortiz (15:38):
Technically, no, she's. She's accepting of me
now, but in the for the firsttwo months, she was like, can't
you just like, move away fromAmy and be mono with me again?
Can't you just like, stop whatyou're doing with her and be for
two months? And she's like, I'mnot going to reach out to her.
What would I have to talk aboutwith her? She was very combatant
for the first two months, andthen when he got there, she
realized I wasn't goinganywhere. And she's like, okay,

(16:00):
I guess I gotta accept thisbitch. And now she's messaging
me, but we're still, like,whatever. I'm not like, making a
big deal of it, because, yeah,she doesn't have to be my friend
for us to share a partner. Itdoesn't. He wants us to live
together, all three of us, but Idon't see that happening even if
she does move here, becausethat's another thing he's asking
her to do is move here fromKansas City. Okay, so it's a lot
of changes. It's a lot of it's alot of variables, because it's

(16:21):
all and it's all on her, becauseshe's got to make the decisions.
And I'm like, well, Hmm, now I'mwondering if that's another
thing that's given me anxiety,because he's waiting on her.
She's She doesn't want to sayshe's going to move to Tampa
until she comes down to

Tampa. Here's what I feel is the best way to do.
Polly, what's good for you? Whatdo you want? I

Amy Ortiz (16:44):
want to be with James. What do you want? I don't
know if I Okay. I'm sorry.Continue. So do we

ever do the rated date? No,

Amy Ortiz (16:52):
thanks. Oh, alright. So do that. Probably done this
with us. Should I take a note?Um,

actually, I'll send you a copy of the rated
date sheet. Okay. Okay. Sobasically, I developed the
system when I was dating. Thissounds great, because I would
all head over heels forsomebody, and then it was a shit
show. I was like, why is it ashit show? And it's because I

(17:17):
didn't have a clear idea of whatI wanted. Okay, good. When
you're operating from, I justdon't want to be alone to, I
need a partner to have thisdish, this and this. It's a
different mindset shift. Okay,yeah, that makes sense. So what
I do is I come up with 10things. Alright, so for you,

(17:37):
number one, the other person hasto be sober, yeah?

Amy Ortiz (17:41):
Well, he's not sober. He just doesn't drink in front
of me, okay? So that's, I'm okaywith that. So he drinks in front
of me. Sobriety, that works foryou, yeah? Yeah. He is, he is,
he is adjacent. He had to go toa lot of meetings with his big
brother when he was kid becausehe never dad. So his big brother
took him to meetings because hismom was in alcohol. So he's, he
comes to meetings with me. Sothat's support, yeah? So

(18:02):
sobriety, sobriety ish,

sober ish, yeah, so rich, um, what about kids? I
don't want kids. No, no, kids.Okay, uh, dog friendly, yeah?

Amy Ortiz (18:16):
Eventually,

um, Holly,

Amy Ortiz (18:22):
that's, I'm even negotiable on that, like, right
now, but, you know, right nowit's working for me. But you
know, who knows? Like, Holly.King, okay, yes. King, for sure,
he rewoke In the kink in me. Itook a year off, and James
rewoke it. I'm going to

do balance of relationship. Okay, okay. What
do I mean by that balance? Um,so I would go on dates with guys
one day. Well, you're going towear this, and you're going to
wear this, and we're going to gohere. And I went, where could I
go one day? And then going tokill you? Are you going to dig

(18:59):
someone else?

Amy Ortiz (18:59):
Yeah, I don't want to date too

they were too gum heavy, controlling it,
controlling So, but then I wouldget the other extreme where I
don't know, what do you want todo? So finding that balance of
power. Yeah, so balance in therelationship for fun, I'll put
in politics,

Amy Ortiz (19:22):
no, we don't see it on that, so take that out. I
don't care. Oh,

you don't care, yeah, all right. Politics, um,
proximity, yes, how close arethey? I do

Amy Ortiz (19:31):
definitely like that. I mean, yeah, he lives like, 45
minutes away. But it's betterthan, okay, city,

fun, yeah? Finances, looks body and

Amy Ortiz (19:47):
really want to get married, but I've talked about
him already doing collaring withme. Like to show so I can show
my commitment, but it's onlybeen two months, so I'm going to
put a goodbye. I'm going to puta pause on that. Yeah, so at
least we hit six months.

You're. You go fun finances. Looks fine. Amen. Um,

Amy Ortiz (20:04):
is that under I put it

in. How do they fit into your world? So, yeah,
how do they fit? Yeah, he fits.

Amy Ortiz (20:14):
Well. I mean, like I said, he goes to meetings with
me. He's met all my friends,most of my friends. We actually
share a lot of friends, which weI didn't meet him until that
night, but all my friends do itbefore I did

alright. So what you do, you have your 10
categories cool, and what you dois you go through and you do a
scale of one to 10 oneverything. So an alcoholic
would be a one. Somebody who'ssober is 10. Is 10? Gotcha?
Alright? Somebody who doesn'thave kids is a 10. Somebody with

(20:46):
little babies is a zero for you.Somebody who's dog friendly,
alright, maybe they like cats.Give them a five, alright. So I
gotcha. What you do? Okay, yougo through on a scale of one to
10, yeah, add them all up, andyou know that 90% is an A, okay?

(21:08):
80% is a b and so on. So if youget somebody who's like a 79 or
below,

Amy Ortiz (21:16):
if you're not, if it's not, how, yeah, it's a no,

probably move on, okay, but that's how, that's how
I did it. Can I switch thecategories? Yeah, okay, yeah,
no, you're not locked into anyof these. I give you a blank
sheet. You fill in your owncategories because so what I
did, I had my 10 categories, andthen I went out with a guy who
was a 91 and I was, like

Amy Ortiz (21:39):
the last

I scored myself. I was like, an 86 oh, scored
better than me. I was like,That's a funny guy. And then we
went on a date, and we spent thewhole time looking for places
for him to get high. Oh, no, my91 became a zero.

Amy Ortiz (21:55):
Do you didn't know that he was a I had no clue.
Yeah, that's a thing. They don'tthey don't always tell you all
that shit

so, but that was a non negotiable

Amy Ortiz (22:03):
on paper. On paper, he was good, but not in real
life, yeah. But then

so I had another guy who I really adored, but he
was like a 53 and it was like, Igotta let it go. You know, he's,
he's in Canada, oh, with twoteenage daughters. It's probably
not going to work out. Let itgo, Yeah, you know, even though
other things lined up. So thisreally helped me, as I was

(22:30):
meeting people,

Amy Ortiz (22:31):
just I'm going to ask, how did Doug start?

Doug was a 90. Oh, that's good, yeah, Doug was a
90. And then Doug actually had adifferent and for listeners who
may not know, Doug is myhusband. Doug is now my husband.

Amy Ortiz (22:47):
Sorry, I should have said, how did your husband do
good?

I'm sure I brought him up at some point. So Doug
had, before we met, made a listof 35 items that he was looking

Amy Ortiz (23:02):
for. Wow, that's a lot of items. 35

and he was like, someone make me laugh, someone
that would help me quit smoking.That's not a hypnotist. And how
we found out about this, I wentto a law of attraction meeting,
and they were talking about howyou get a clear picture of what
you want, and all this thingslike, son of a bitch, I
manifested you.

Amy Ortiz (23:24):
That is so funny. And I said, What do

you mean? And he pulls out his phone and shows me
this list of 35 items. Wow. AndI read through him, like, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, to get to item35 and its he wanted a boat. I'm
like, I'm not getting a boat.I'm not i I'm too busy for a
boat. Yeah, he is. Well,alright. Well, 34 out of 35
that's awesome. So for our thirdanniversary of when we met, I

(23:48):
bought him a boat that it'slike, this thing, oh, she said,
remote controlled. I'm like, No,I hit 35 bucker boat. Yep.
Loophole, yeah. Manifesting workagainst you because you didn't
manifest with God boat. That'sso cute. So we got, like, a foot
in that two foot boat. I loveit, but that's, yeah, that's how

(24:11):
we realized that's so cool. Butsomewhere I have the list, and
it was someone to make themlaugh. I know I had someone to
help them quit smoking, someonewho was open to new
alternatives, lifestyle,lifestyle type stuff. Gotcha.
I'm trying to think what elsewas on there. Um, cook.

Amy Ortiz (24:30):
Did you cook? Do you cook? No, he cooks. Oh, good,
yeah.

I hate cooking. He loves cooking. Um, he was like
somebody who would hold my hand.Oh, touch is important. That's
James's love language. Touch.Yeah, that's what

Amy Ortiz (24:45):
he loves. When I lay on his chest, he's like, This
connects us so much. I'm like, Iknow, and I love it, because I
actually sleep through the nightand not I don't wake up once,
which is like, so different forme. Yeah, so weird. But yeah, I
think that's why I was like, Ican't sleep at night without
you. And I'm like, That's notreal. I can still sleep. I just
don't. It to the night, but

touch was huge, okay, for Doug. So anyway, so
that was our Okay, that was ourstory. And then I started
teaching this to people. Is that35 is too

Amy Ortiz (25:11):
many? Yeah, seriously, that's a lot 10,

but yeah, I could tell whenever I did this test, I
consistently was hit in like,60s, oh, until Doug. Wow. And
then one of the other ones,okay, Cupid, I like because you
can all those questions. There'sa lot of questions there. And
Doug in his letter to me, whatwould happen I was doing comedy
at the time, and I wouldn't haveanything lined up a date or

(25:38):
anything lined up in my city, soI would just sit in the hotel
room and answer questions. Soover time, I answered like 1500
questions. Doug found my profileand went through he goes, How
did she answer this question?And then he answered like 500
questions, and he's like, and Istill want to meet you. Wow. So
that was how that

Amy Ortiz (25:58):
Okay, keep it. That's cute. But

anyhow, so I'll send you the rate of date sheet,
okay? And you know, I should putit in the podcast notes too.

Amy Ortiz (26:09):
Yeah, yeah. Everyone will probably benefit from the
rate of date. Yeah. That soundslike now I gotta rate James to
see if we're compatible,

yeah. And then you can add to this. But, like, I
try to keep it to 10 items,because the 90% Yeah, it's easy
math, yeah. You know, once youget into 11, you're like, fuck,
what's 90% of 121, or whateverit is. So, so good. How are you
feeling now?

Amy Ortiz (26:34):
Good. And, you know, having that, the vibe that we
like talked about that I amtalking to somebody else, and,
you know, like, and it's funny,because him and his wife were,
when I met them, just like twoweeks ago, were hierarchical,
and now they've gone to anarchy,because I expressed, I explained
to him what that meant, and hetalked to his wife, and they
decided to switch. And I'm like,well, who's this? Um, so the guy

(26:54):
I'm talking to, Sean, oh, shehas a wife and their poly, and
she has a another partner. Andso when he when we connected, he
said they were hierarchical, andshe had veto power. And I was
like, I don't really agree withthat, because I don't want
someone to just throw myrelationship away. And he's
like, then he talked to her, andhe was like, listen, so me and
my wife talked, and we're nowanarchists, which is like,
where, you know, everyone'sequal, because apparently her
boyfriend was kind ofdistracting her, and she's like,

(27:16):
I want to be more with him. Andso they switched, and I'm like,
Oh, cool. This makes it red forus. So that was kind of cool,
okay, and so, you know, makes itmore like I was. I was scared,
because I don't, like,hierarchical, like, if someone's
like, above me, it feels likeI'm, like, throw away able, you
know. So when he said this, Iwas like, Oh, well, that
definitely earns points in mylife. You know, that, you know,
more likely to be into this niceso, yeah, that really was, but

(27:37):
you're right, because I I'vebeen attaching, but like, I'm
already doing the steps I need.Like, I just have to feel it.
I'm just, I gotta get to thatplace where I'm feeling the the
feeling strong on my own. Yeah,I'm gonna get there.

You are, you're, you're light years ahead. Yeah,

Amy Ortiz (27:55):
I know you're light years ahead. I mean, the trauma
has just happened. It's onlybeen like, what, a month, two
months, little over two months,it's like crazy. I don't know
why I thought I'd get over itsooner than this, but that I'm
thankful. Yeah, that's a

lot, definitely a lot, but you're on the right
track. You got everything linedup for you. I think most of all,
you just needed a reality checkthat it, you know, it's okay to
feel a little weak when you'relooking at that much trauma in
such a short time.

Amy Ortiz (28:24):
And you know, now I'm in a place where I can, you made
me feel a lot of centerednessand peace that, you know, I
canvas on my own. I don't needhim to make me centered. Yeah,
like, I felt like I was reallyattaching, like, super anxiety.
I've always been avoidance,attachment style, like, because
that's my parents, like, yeah.And the way my parents

raised me, I think it's one of those where you
leaned on him so heavily, youknow, that, like, when the when
they pulled it away, that youjust, you fell a little bit,
yeah, but you're very strong onyour own, and you enjoyed his
company so much that it wasgone, it was like, Oh, really,

(29:04):
yeah. But I think you're very,very strong, and you got all
your resources lined up. I mean,you're in great shape. I think
you could just, if anything, youjust, you had a weak moment, and
totally understandable with allthat loss. It's, it's been a
lot, so

Amy Ortiz (29:22):
I'm going to help others, because, you know, God
didn't take me through it so Icould just peace out, you know,
like, I Yeah, and I've hadfriends that like, before
sweetie died, and one of mysponsees lost her dog, and I was
able to speak wisdom into herbecause I was facing it. And
then when sweetie died, Iremembered, oh, say this,
except, you know, I gave thething, same advice to myself
that I gave to her, and it wasgreat. And then, you know, it

(29:44):
was like, Oh, wait, oh, now mycousin's at, oh, my God. Now my
uncle that. And it was justlike, bam, bam, bam. I was like,
and then bam, bam. And I waslike, Oh, my heart. And that's
like, James, so I'm, I'm superthankful that I reached out
though for help, because you.Was getting hard, and I was
lashing out a lot and, and evenJames said, like, like, Saturday

(30:05):
night we had really bad blowout.And he's like, I was actually
thinking this might not be worthfighting for anymore, because
you were getting reallydifficult. Like, I know, like, I
was asking for horrible things,like, my, me, me, me. And I was
like, No, that's not what I wantto do. I just want to not be
that person. So, yeah, takingthe steps I need to do to get
back to my secure attachments,

awesome. So you got the Purple Heart, and you
can use to to ground. Andactually some grounding things
would be good for you. And sothere's something called the
heart coherence technique.

Amy Ortiz (30:37):
Yeah, I've been reading poly secure. Have you
heard of that that book, polysecure? They talk all about the
heart like, you know, feedingyourself and and, like, how you
have to do you have to work onyou first before you can attach
to your partners to be polysecure,

so the heart coherence technique, yeah,
there's a couple of videos on iton YouTube, okay, heart
coherence, and I actually haveto review it, but basically it's
really quick, putting your handsover your heart, oh, this is
what I was thinking. It wasn't,and remembering a time in your

(31:14):
life when you felt love orhappiness, and going back to
that time and reconnecting withthat,
and just finding that it slowsyour heart, it grabs you right
down that time when you feltlove, whether you gave love to

(31:36):
somebody or you received lovefrom somebody.

Amy Ortiz (31:41):
Okay, sweet,

yeah, just give me kisses. So that's a heart
coherence technique. There'sother things you can do. This is
very calming as well. I don'tknow if I showed you this last

(32:03):
time, but this, doing this justbrings me right down. Okay,
there's other ways you can doit, especially if you're kinky,
if you like the whole Slappyslap, Slappy slap. So what we're
doing here is that we'recrossing nerve impulses across

(32:26):
your brain. So left brain, rightbrain, because your arms are
crossed, it's gotta go leftbrain, right brain, left brain
to do this. And then if youdon't have carpal tunnel, like I
have, can snap your fingers. Ileft his my left hand was just

(32:46):
like, not today, but this is theone that I That's my default. It
just brings you. It just bringsyou, yeah, peace. What you do,
yep, just kind of calms you downand brings you peace. And notice
that you're doing all that inyour own head. Okay, I guided
you, but you still had to do allthe work. Guess who wasn't

(33:06):
there, right? Right now he couldbe. And that brings, you, know,
kicks it up a notch, but eventhen, you could still borrow
from that feeling. You rememberwhat it feels like, yeah? So
just going back to that spot andreconnecting with that spot, and
it's all right there.

Amy Ortiz (33:32):
That's a really cool technique.

Yeah, during COVID, I actually did feeling
the hugs of your loved onesthrough quarantines or
something, because people coulddo that for themselves, and
isn't 100% as rewarding ashaving the person right there.
No, I'm not gonna lie aboutthat, but you can get pretty

(33:54):
darn close with yourimagination. Yes, and depending
on the relationship with yourfamily, you could make it even
better. That's so depending on,you know, family members
involved. But there was a lot oftimes when we're just sit there
and just go back to my family.

Amy Ortiz (34:10):
Yeah, supposed to see my James, supposed to we're
supposed to go to Vegas inSeptember for my dad's renewal
vows against that mom. Oh, yeah.So he's gonna meet both my
parents this summer. Okay? Andthat's the thing, right?

Very cool. Pretty cool. All right. Oh, we got
plenty in time. Is thereanything else I can help you
with, or are we in a good spot?

Amy Ortiz (34:31):
Um, so I feel like I've did, I've worked, I've got
the ELI stuff, um, you know thetrauma with him, but I really
liked how the first time we met,you helped me get over those
other sexual traumas, and I waswondering if we could do that a
little bit of work with that.Because, you know, like, James
has broken through my barrier,but I feel like I'm going to be
that same shelf, like putting upa wall with other partners, just

(34:52):
because with Eli, yeah, the onethat was raping me when I was
sleeping. Okay, I didn't know itwasn't the right, like, I didn't
know it wasn't, wasn't, it's.What girlfriends do with
freshmen, you did the touchthing with when last time the
first session I had, I talkedabout the other Yeah, oh, okay.
I talked about the other threemen who were molested me, raped

(35:13):
me, raped me or two again. AndI, like, really had a
breakthrough with those becauseof the touch thing. And and I
slept like a baby that night. Inever slept so hard my life. And
so I was like, and I'm justlike, feeling like, even though
I have identified what Eli did,I'm still not okay with it. Like
I'm not I still need to cross sothere be any way we can do that
technique with him. It's, youknow, like I said, he just, I

(35:34):
just realized it recently thatit was actually not okay.

What do you remember? Give me the list of
for

Amy Ortiz (35:39):
Eli when we were together in two years, and he
had asked me, Do you mind if Ijust, like, wake you up and have
sex with you? And I was like,Sure, but then he wouldn't wake
me up. He would just have sexwith me. And, like, I'd be woken
up while he was penetrating meand it and at the time, I was
like, Well, this is whatgirlfriends do, right? Like, and
then, you know, like, we drug,we were, I was very much into my
drug and alcohol use with him.He and I were big partiers, and

(36:02):
so like that did not help thesituation, but it really put me
on guard. And then on top ofthat, he had HPV, and he kept
giving it to me, so I had tokeep doing procedures too. Um,
it's a human papillo, the humanHPV, yeah. HPV, so he had it,
and he kept giving it to me, andI had to keep doing surgeries.
And he refused to wear a condom,even though I told him, You keep
giving it to me. And he had, hegave me five of the, or no,

(36:23):
eight of the nine types that getcaused cancer. So I had to,
like, have a colon biopsy. I hadto have my cervix frozen, like I
did a lot of procedures, just tostop it from causing, you know,
leading to cancer. And he justkept saying, I'm not going to
wear a condom. And I let ithappen. I just, like, said,
okay, and didn't. Two years Iwas with him. I don't know why I
stayed with him for two yearswith all that, but of course, it
was my first boyfriend. Soboyfriend, so I didn't know what

(36:44):
was acceptable. I had neverdated anyone. I just fucked
around and found out, okay, sothat was a lot like, he was my
first, like, seriousrelationship, right after I got
raped by those two guys. And Iwas like, I need to change my
life. And I met him on plenty offish and and he so he was like,
my first tour out there, but,and then after that, I just kept

(37:06):
protecting myself by tellingguys, move away. Don't touch me.
Don't get near me when I'msleeping. And that's how I and I
kept up. I put those walls up toprotect me from the same thing
he was doing because I thoughtit's normal, but I don't want
it, so I gotta make sure theystay over there so they can't
rate me in my sleep. Okay,that's why I feel like I did.
And I just wanted to break thatdown so I don't feel so agitated
with other partners.

Okay, anymore. Alright. Um, what else about ELI
that you remember he couldn'tsay I love you. Couldn't say I
love you,

Amy Ortiz (37:37):
yeah, that's why I ended up end of ending the
relationship after two years,because he's like, I don't know
if I can love, and he justcouldn't say the words. But he
buy me like the biggest, mostexpensive gifts. And I'm not a
that's not my love language. Ididn't need that. I wanted love
like I needed I needed time. Mymy love language is quality
time. And what'd he buy yourprinter, fax or copier, five and

(37:59):
one, like a microwave, and thenreally expensive microwave, a
really expensive toaster oven,lots of roses, even though I
told him I don't like flowers,because they die in three days,
right? Every holiday, he boughtme roses, and I just kept
telling him I don't like roses.Okay? So he didn't listen very
well.

You didn't listen. Oh, what else?

Amy Ortiz (38:25):
I mean, he had a speed boat. He taught me how to
rock, to drive that. That waskind of cool. So he could, you
know, ride. He could do it, beout in the be it out on the what
is it called ski, water skiing.Water Ski, yeah, he would
wakeboard. He'd wake forwardbehind the boat. So he taught me
how to drive it. So he had verynice, expensive things, but he
added to my alcohol, becausehe'd always bring me, like,

(38:46):
expensive stuff from because hewas in the army. So he'd go
over, you know, to visit Germanyand bring back absence, absent
than, like drugs and, you know,so we he definitely fed my
addictions. Okay? At that timemy life, I was 23 to when I was
25

All right, yeah. And what do you think is funny?
What do

Amy Ortiz (39:12):
I think is funny? Mike riff, Matt riff, sorry.
Matt Right, red, right, sorry. Ikeep saying his last name. I
said his first name, wrong. ThenI said last then I said his last
name wrong. That not right. I'vebeen watching a lot of him. He's
hilarious. He's so cute. He'shilarious. And you see, like,
life, life is funny. What's your

favorite bit of his

Amy Ortiz (39:35):
many Yeah, I usually just see, I've only been
watching his like cutouts fromthe audience, and like, he like,
talks to, like, the gays. And hemay, he talks to the gays a lot.
I've seen a couple of those. Itwas pretty funny. I'm trying to
think, like, he just does a lotof crowd work. And I watch those
because he won't, he won'tpublish his skit because he
says, like, you're going to seethat when you pay your way, you

(39:57):
go to see him. So he doesn't dohis, his actual work. He just
doesn't. Out of work, yeah, onFacebook, YouTube, but I'm
sorry, Facebook, yeah, I didsee, I think I watched his
special on Netflix, but I don'tremember it. Okay, but no, he's
he definitely like, I love whenhe talks to the gays. Alright,

and what else do you enjoy? No dogs, karaoke.

Amy Ortiz (40:22):
And oh, girl on fire, that's one of my go tos a
million reasons by Lady Gaga.See, that's pretty those are my
two that I've actually repeated.I usually don't repeat the same
song twice, okay, but those twoI have repeated because I love
them a lot. Girl

on Fire, a million reasons. What else do you say?

Amy Ortiz (40:43):
Anything I can get my hands on. I love Taylor Swift. I
love Fiona Apple. She's one ofmy favorites. Criminal, yeah,
yeah, okay. And then I did thissong the other day. Paula Cole,
you make me feel love. And it'slike, so sexy. You make me feel
like a sticky piston leaninginto a sting. And it's really

(41:05):
sexual. I say I sang it to Jamesat a at a karaoke that we went
to. He was like, everyone.Everyone was like, that's hot
and spicy. It's really sexual.That's one of my one of the that
was the first No, that wassecond time I'd seen that

song. Alright. Um, grow on fire. A million reasons
criminal. You make me. It'scalled

Amy Ortiz (41:27):
feeling. Feel in love. Is the name of the song.
Feel in love, yeah, no G at theend, feeling, feeling love,
love. You make it. Feel Love.

Any others,

Amy Ortiz (41:42):
if I What's that one? If I could walk us, if I could
fall into this guy, I sang thatone recently. I'm not
remembering, oh, 1000 miles. IfI could walk 1000 miles just to
be with you, I'd say that onerecently. I don't do much
comedy. I just do a lot ofemotional right? Oh, I like X's
and O's. I sing that for Jennyall the time, whenever we do the
music much by saying X's and O'sfirst,

okay, yeah, yeah.

Amy Ortiz (42:08):
But Jenny, I actually have video of Jenny singing at
karaoke and shared it. Oh, wow.So now every time we have a
music lunch, we save her

All right.

Amy Ortiz (42:18):
Oh, I said that about Jenny and I didn't get sad.

That was really cool. I

Amy Ortiz (42:25):
talked about sweetie earlier, and I didn't get sad
either. That's really fuckingcool.

All right, let's get Eli out of your system. Yes,
please. Okay, um, did anythinggood come from Eli. I had

Amy Ortiz (42:47):
that microwave and toaster for a while, but I left
them in Bridge in Jersey when Ileft, let's see. Oh, I did keep
the printer that the five andone for like, four or five
years, but it eventually died.So that probably was the only
thing that I can say came outgood out of that weird of
possession I just don't value.Like, I used it for a long time

(43:08):
until I couldn't, like, find inkfor it anymore, and it was like,
Oh, that's too old, okay, but,yeah, that's probably the only
thing I can honestly say. Like,I mean, I don't even remember if
I would be able to drive a boatagain, because that was a pretty
cool skill, but I haven't doneit so long. I don't know if

I'd be able to do it. Okay? Alright, here we go.
Change these suggestions any wayyou need to. Hey, Eli. Hey, Eli.
Two years, two years. I had noidea what a real relationship
was supposed to be like.

Amy Ortiz (43:40):
I had no idea what a relationship was supposed to be.

Do you mind if I wake up and have sex with you?
You mind if I wake up and havesex with you? This girl is on
five years.
Yes. Eli, I do fucking mind ifyou wake me up?

Amy Ortiz (44:01):
Yes, Eli, I do fucking mind if you wake me up.

I'm done, done. Thanks to you, thanks to you.
Nobody could sleep near me foryears.

Amy Ortiz (44:13):
No one could sleep near me for years.

And now I can let this go. Now I can let this go.
It's safe to let it go, safe tolet it go. And so I let it go.
So I let it go. I'm going toput, I'm going to all my
emotions about Eli. I'm

Amy Ortiz (44:35):
going to put all my emotions about ELI in that
microwave, in that microwave,

because I got a million reasons to let it go.

Amy Ortiz (44:50):
I got a million reasons to let it go. I don't

need a microwave because I'm a home. I

Amy Ortiz (44:56):
don't need a microwave because I. I believe I

got a toaster that needs to go. I got a toaster
that needs to go. It's the rosesi need to throw, and

Amy Ortiz (45:19):
some roses i need to throw. I

love. Let you go. Eli, I let you go. Eli, you are
who I needed for those twoyears. You are who I needed for
those two years. And I don'tneed you anymore, but I don't
need you anymore. We're breakingup. We're breaking up for real,
for real. Forever, forever, Ilet you go. I let you go. It's

(45:43):
safe to let you go. It's safe tolet you go. Go ahead and take a
nice deep breath in, grab yourwrist, set that timer on the
microwave to one hour. Pushstart. How's that feel? Good.

Amy Ortiz (46:02):
That's so funny. No, it's okay. James says, who's
your who? Who's four? Are you?He always says that too. They
asked me, who's whore I am sothat's like, he said, Oh, yeah.
He always says, who's who areyou? Are you eight? Are you your
SIRs? Good little whore I'mlike, Yeah, you Eli. Hey, Eli.

I report to a new horror master. Now

Amy Ortiz (46:27):
I report to a new horror master. Now it's

time to let you go. It's time to let you go. Of
course, you probably don't knowthat.
Of course, you probably don'tknow that you didn't listen to
me when I was there, because youdidn't
worsen. It's hard to hear metalk when I'm on the wakeboard.

Amy Ortiz (46:46):
Of course, it's really hard to hear me talk when
I'm on the board

and you're driving the boat, and you're driving the
boat, you fed my addictions. Youfed my addictions. And I have
new addictions now. And I havenew addictions now, being
healthy, being healthy, beingclean, being clean, being happy,
being happy, and having a goodtime, having a good time.

Amy Ortiz (47:08):
Carry on. Let's see here.

Oh, all those surgeries, all those surgeries.
Yeah, you kept getting me sick.You kept getting me sick. I had
to keep removing you. I had tokeep removing you. And I'm
removing you from my mind. AndI'm removing you from my mind.
You can't reinfect me in any wayshape or form possible. So you
can't

Amy Ortiz (47:31):
reinfect me in any way shape or form possible.

It's safe to let you go. It's safe to let you go.
It's time to let you go. It'stime

Amy Ortiz (47:39):
to let you go. I let you go. I let you go.

I got a million reasons to let you go. I

Amy Ortiz (47:45):
got a million reasons to let you go because you're a
criminal, because you're acriminal.

If I could put you 1000 miles away, if I could put
you 1000 miles away, I would doit. Guess what you're my exes?

Amy Ortiz (47:58):
You're my ex. Guess what you're my rises, I'm
someone else's Oh, and I'msomeone else's

house. Take a nice deep breath in, grab your wrist,
blow it away, and say, Peace.Good. How's that feeling? Really
good, right? So when we think ofEli, what comes up now, um,
peace

Amy Ortiz (48:21):
when I'm like, yeah, like, I don't have to be afraid
anymore. I don't have to beworried. Like, I could set
boundaries. Yeah, I can sethealthy boundaries. Like,
listen, this is not somethingwe're doing anymore. I didn't, I
didn't know before it was, itwasn't okay, but now I know,
yeah, that's huge. And I canstand in my peace and, you know,
share intimacy with otherswithout being afraid. Awesome.
Yeah, it feels really good,good,

good, good, yeah, and if anything ever with him
comes up again, okay, um, yeah,Eli is my ex,

Amy Ortiz (48:55):
whatever. Yes, he's my Yeah,

let's see. Thank you, criminal. A million
reasons, you incorporated

Amy Ortiz (49:04):
all of it. That was really good.

Yeah, well, I was like, please pick song. I didn't
incorporate Pollock, pollbecause I'm not familiar. Yeah,
no worries with that therestaurant again. But I knew
criminal and million reasons Iused to sing. A million reasons
at a gay bar in St Pete for

Amy Ortiz (49:19):
Brandon switch paper the garage. Oh, I've been there.
I've seen Gary there. Love it.It's good. That Pj is really
good. Yeah, I love the girl. Andthey finally stopped blowing
smoking inside, so I canactually go, oh, yeah, yeah,
that was recent, and so I'vebeen a couple times, but yeah,
before they didn't. And I waslike, I'm allergic nicotine.
Can't walk in the place, but nowit's nicotine free.

Awesome. Yeah, I used to love the garage. What a
good, good time. Good people. So

Amy Ortiz (49:46):
very cool, awesome. Thank you. Is

there anything else?

Amy Ortiz (49:50):
No, I feel really good. I feel really centered. I
feel really at peace and and I'mgoing to reach out to James and
and feel how that goes and seeif that triggers. I mean, I
don't know, you know. Know,until you try, right? But maybe
it'll just bring me joy, likeit's been this whole time.

Yeah, don't deny yourself joy. It took you so
hard, took you so long to findhim. I know I wasn't even

Amy Ortiz (50:09):
looking for him, and neither was he wasn't good for
me either. Like all purposes hethey were totally mono, but he
had the like they when he mether, he said, so, you know, I'm
Polly, and she's like, okay, butthey, he wasn't looking
actually, right before he metme, he told my roommate, Julie,
who he met at the event. Youknow, I have the ability to meet
other people, but I'm just notgoing to. And then he hugged me,
and was like, bam, he wasn'tlooking for me. I wasn't looking

(50:31):
for him. God brought ustogether. It really is, like,
amazing, awesome, yeah, and it'sgood that he was like, had
already said that President withher though, you know, she's
still adjusting and trying to, Idon't know what it's gonna look
like when she gets here, butwe'll see. I mean, so far, she's
been accepting, but whensomeone's in your face, it might
not be the same, yeah, yeah. Butwe'll cross that bridge. We get
to it. Yeah. I don't have tofuture trip about it. I don't

(50:52):
have the future trip, which issomething I always that's my
biggest defect, is futuretripping. I'm always which in a
it's like, where you're like,projecting and like wondering,
what's what if? What if? What ifI stopped doing that? Yeah, I'm
working hard on it. Justsurrender to the moment. Yeah,
live in the moment. And I reallythink thank you so

much for this. Oh, you're so welcome, man. Thank
you because I would do for anepisode. Yeah? You know, I'm at
the mercy of when somebody yeah,we're just willing to share
their story. Oh, yeah, yeah,we've always been so willing.
And actually, you're going tosee some testimonials. I did put
your face in there with some ofthe things that you said that I

(51:28):
was able to sleep like a baby.

Amy Ortiz (51:29):
No, and I'm not kidding you that first session,
I haven't thought about suicidesince Tracy. That's awesome.
That's huge. Like you gave mylife back. Yeah?
Like, I didn't realize it was,like, a couple days before I
realized, Oh, my God, I haven'teven thought about this, like,

(51:50):
and I could see a life afterSweet Pea, where before, you
know, she was my whole reasonfor living. And I literally had,
like, set up. I had literallystopped out meds, like, drugs
just to take when she died. Iwas like, I'm in a overdose. And
that was my plan. So glad youdid and I got rid of them. I
actually brought my two, my twopartners at the time, and I
didn't in front of them so theycould see me do it. I'm like,
I'm getting rid of all thesedrugs. I'm not doing this, yeah,

(52:10):
and that's because you broke methrough that. And I didn't even
realize my sexual traumas werecausing me so much anxiety. Just
like I didn't realize Eli wasuntil just now, you know, like,
how long did that take? I'm 42that happened when I was 23 so
I'm so thankful for you.Sometimes

it takes, takes a while for that stuff to
resurface, yeah? And

Amy Ortiz (52:27):
just like, you know, I've known my attachment style
has been avoidance, because mylife, my parents were not
present, yeah? And I just, Idetach from everything, you
know. And so I'm really gladthat I'm getting to a stable or
attachment style. And I justwent the other direction with,
with James for a little bitthere, because of the fact, of
all the the timing, you said,and I just have to get back to
the secure, which I've, youknow, I can feel, I can feel it.

(52:48):
I can feel secure. I know

you got it. She's there, there. So awesome,
awesome.

Amy Ortiz (52:54):
And, yeah, pursuers, I mean, the pictures, and I'm
excited to do the the, what isit, the dating? Oh, the rate

of day, rate of day. Yeah, I'll send you that
this evening. I'll make sure youget a copy of it. Thank you.
Thank you. But you can check andsee if you're a new guy. Yeah,
there's Sean and yeah, sometimesyou can, like, fudge by if you
got nothing going, yeah,alright, a c plus is better than
both,

Amy Ortiz (53:20):
right? Like, I'll hang out once every two weeks,
you know? It doesn't have to bea lifelong commitment, yeah, you
know, yeah, just a fun thing todo on the weekend. Yeah? And
that's, that's the great thingabout Polly. Like, every
relationship doesn't have to bea deep, emotional relationship.
It can just be a little bun onthe side, you know. So that's
really cool. I love, that's whatI love about polyamory.

Such a pleasure to have you back. Thank you, Jason,
always, always, always, so thankyou. Love you, and we'll ever
meet something to see, we'llbring this up. Oh, and then
everybody can capture thispowerful hug. You're so welcome.
Love you, thank you. And thankyou for watching this episode of

(54:07):
the hilarious hypnotist of TracyCaden. Thank you again Amy,
who's going to stick around awhile she

Amy Ortiz (54:14):
got rid of her drugs. Yeah. All right. Thank you.

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EP 63: Staying Strong and Sober Through Grief and Loss, With Amy - Part 2

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}EP 63: Staying Strong and Sober Through Grief and Loss, With Amy - Part 2