April 16, 2024 • 40 mins
Think equal division of chores guarantees happiness in marriage? Think again. The truth is: it’s not the fighting about chores that’s the problem - it’s the lack of communication. In today’s episode we uncover the myth of 50-50 and explore the real ingredients to a successful marriage. John and I are pulling back the curtain on our own 25+ year relationship as we share our own strategies, including understanding each other's priorities and embracing diverse work styles leading to deeper, more meaningful connections. I’ll also share our five-step approach to divide and conquer household responsibilities, making sure everyone plays to their strengths.
In this episode you’ll learn:
How can I improve communication in my marriage?
What are simple ways to divide household chores with your spouse?
What is the best way to delegate household tasks in a marriage?
How can I communicate better with my family?
Topics Covered:
- Division of household labor
- Communication in marriage
- Gender roles and chores
- Effective delegation in relationships
- Keys for stronger marriage
- Family Meetings
- Intentional Relationship Building
Key Moments in the Show:
[02:13] Appreciating the Differences in Your Marriage
[08:37] Turning Frustration into Appreciation
[14:10] Dividing Up Chores and Tasks with Your Spouse
[19:23] Deciding Which Tasks Are Important
[21:41] Who's in Charge?
[25:17] How To Make Sure Tasks Get Done Right
[33:32] How to Build a Strong Supportive Family
Get free resources for this episode at TanyaDalton.com/connect
Connect with Tanya Dalton on LinkedIn
Watch the episode on YouTube
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Google Podcasts
Full Transcript and Show Notes: TanyaDalton.com/podcast
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, hello, everyone.
(00:01):
And welcome to the
Intentional Advantage podcast.
I'm your host, Tanya Dalton.
This is episode 297.
We had such a great conversation
in our last episode talking about
strengths and weaknesses and I wanted
to really continue that conversation.
We touched a lot on communication,
(00:21):
we touched a lot on relationships,
and I wanted to go even
deeper in this episode today.
So, I have John on the show,
again, as we've been doing.
I'm really enjoying having him on the
show, It's so good to get his perspective.
Today we're going to be talking
about marriage, relationships, not
just marriage, but all kinds of
relationships, but also creating
(00:43):
really strong communication.
John and I've been married for over
two decades, 24 years this year.
And truly you'll hear me
say this in the episode.
Communication is the secret sauce
of why we are so ridiculously
happy in our marriage.
It really is.
And so we're going to
talk about communication.
We're going to talk about the division of
(01:03):
chores because that is definitely a point
of contention in a lot of relationships.
Because in every relationship,
we're going to talk about this.
There is one person who loads
the dishwasher like a Swedish
architect, and there is another
person in the relationship who
loads it like a raccoon on meth.
You might be surprised to
find out which one I am.
(01:24):
Let's dive into that.
We're going to talk about that right now.
Let's get started with the show.
Does your life spark joy?
I'm not asking if your life
is good or if life feels okay.
Does it spark joy?
When was the last time you
slipped into bed at night and
thought, today felt amazing?
Because if it's been more than two
or three days, that's too long.
(01:46):
I'm Tanya Dalton, a best selling author,
motivational speaker, seven figure
entrepreneur, and oh yeah, wife and mom.
So I get it.
I understand the stress of daily life.
As a productivity expert, I'm here to
help you choose the extraordinary life.
This season, we will be exploring
how we can create more joy and
intention into every single day.
(02:07):
And it doesn't have to be so hard.
This is The Intentional Advantage.
On our last episode, you and I, John,
we were talking about strengths and
weaknesses and we didn't have time
to get to all the different parts
where we talked about communication.
And it was funny because
just like 2 or 3 days ago.
(02:29):
We were sitting downstairs in the
living room and we were having this
conversation about how I was struggling
with some of my work because I am,
I'm 100 percent a self starter.
I don't need external
forces motivating me.
I'm very internally motivated and
I've always thought of myself as being
a person who just kind of goes off,
does their thing and then moves on.
(02:51):
Except I've been realizing because
you've been very busy with some of
your consulting work that you're doing.
John does some fractional CMO
work for different companies
that we have not been meeting and
strategizing and communicating.
And I realized I don't work well in a
silo and that fits so completely with the
(03:12):
conversation we had on the last podcast.
And I said to you, I said, you know what?
We probably should just be recording
this because it was such a great
conversation where we talked about
how we work, how different we work.
And the way that we communicate
and the way that we lean
on each other's strengths.
and weaknesses is part of,
(03:33):
that's part of our secret sauce.
Wouldn't you agree?
Yeah.
And I think, understanding what
about us is different and that's, I
know we're going to dive into this
more, is really what helps us a lot.
We also understand where
we're the same, right?
Cause we do have some similarities
for sure, in terms of some of our
personality traits and everything else.
But.
A lot of the core ones are different
(03:54):
and understanding that makes a big
difference in how we work together.
We get a lot of emails and questions
about how do you guys make this work?
How does your marriage work?
We've been together a long time.
We are madly in love with each other.
We have a great time together.
We have so much fun.
How do you do it?
And I think it is recognizing
those differences.
So I felt like today on the show, I
(04:15):
wanted to touch a little bit back on
those strengths because that ties in
with everything, how we communicate,
and even how we work together.
Because, you know, I was reading
the other day that someone had
said, I can't remember who it was.
They were talking about the fact
that in every marriage, there's a
how person and there's a wow person.
And the wow person is
a hundred percent me.
(04:36):
They're the person who has these
big, fast ideas and I'm thinking big.
And I come to you and I'm like, okay,
like you'll be sitting, you'll just
be sitting there working on something.
I'll be like, okay, I have this idea.
I can see you bracing yourself.
You're like, all right, I got to
buckle up, put my seatbelt on.
Here she goes.
I'm in the big wow person
because I have all these ideas.
Like anything is possible.
(04:58):
And you.
are the how person.
Like, here I am with this gigantic
idea, and your question will be,
well, how are we going to do that?
How is this going to work?
How are we going to, right?
Like, you're the one who keeps me
tethered to the earth in a lot of
ways, which is Very important because
I'm floating off into space with these
giant ideas and you have a hold of
(05:19):
my ankle and you're like, okay, let's
bring in a little bit of reality, right?
And you're more of the logistical person.
You're the person who's paying attention
to like, I mean, this sounds great, but
who the hell is going to do these things?
And how are we going to do these things?
Yeah.
And I think, you know, looking back
on it, I can understand why you
thought I was just throwing cold
(05:40):
water on your ideas and saying, well,
how are we going to implement that?
Or what's the process for that?
I immediately started
thinking of the steps, right?
How are we going to execute this?
And.
Sometimes if you don't understand
the way my brain works, that comes
across as me poo pooing your idea,
As opposed to, okay, well, let's
talk about how we can make this work.
and now that we understand that it makes
(06:02):
those conversations work so much better.
And really it's a great, it's a
great balance, or I guess I should
say harmony, not balance, right?
In our relationship and how we
work together with those ideas.
I totally agree because you need
the person who's there saying,
how are we going to do this?
And this is actually part of
when we were talking about
strengths in our last episode.
(06:23):
And when you think about who you want
to have at your table and what I mean at
your table, I mean, in conversations you
don't want to have all the same people.
You want to have different
people, different perspective,
different ideas, lots of diversity.
Because the way that we all think really
does create a better end product, whether
that end product is your kids, right?
(06:43):
That's the product you're creating
your kids or you're in a business,
situation and you're creating products
and services or you're managing a team.
We want to have lots of different ideas.
But the thing is, we have to
respect that other people have
other ways of operating and working.
And that did take us a while,
because I would feel like you
(07:04):
were the splash of cold water.
I'd have this, like, fantastic idea,
which probably wasn't even that fantastic,
but I thought it was at the time.
And you would bring me down
to earth and say, Okay, okay.
How are we going to do this?
What about all these other
things that we're working on?
How are we going to make this work?
And now, instead of getting frustrated,
now I see this is the important
(07:25):
part of, of the whole process.
You know, for those of you who
are subscribed to my newsletter,
which is at tanyadalton.
com slash connect, you know, I shared
just this past week, my leadership guide.
And in my leadership guide,
it very clearly says, not
interested in granular details.
I like the big picture.
I like for you to come to me with
(07:46):
these problems that already, you
already have solutions for or ideas
of how you want to solve them.
I don't do granular.
And that's part of what's
great is John is very granular.
He likes to look at
all the little details.
I like to say that a good example of
how we operate and work at home is I
will have this idea for a gallery wall.
I'll have this idea for this gallery
(08:06):
wall and I'll have it all mapped out.
Like I want to do a big picture here
at eight by 10 and 11 by 14 and I'll
have this whole vision of what I want.
And then I better not get the hammer and
nails because I won't take the time to
measure and make it all hang properly.
I'll just start like
putting holes into the wall.
John is the person who then comes in
(08:27):
and he's like, all right, I gotcha.
I see the vision.
Now I'm going to execute it.
And that's how we work
together really well.
But it did take a lot of
communication to get here.
I think in doing a lot of that work
and understanding how we think and how
we work together, we were able to turn
that frustration into appreciation.
(08:47):
So now with that example you gave
with the gallery wall, I understand
that you're better with the vision,
So if we have that project on the
front end, you do that work and
you come up with what we're doing.
And then I execute it, I have the
patience to sit there with a level
to make sure things are lined up
perfectly straight, because those
kinds of details make my brain happy.
And now that you understand
(09:09):
that you appreciate it, it
doesn't frustrate you anymore.
It's it's now, how we work together
and it makes things so much better.
And the, the end product of whatever it
is we're working on is much better too.
Absolutely.
I completely agree.
And I think that's the thing.
It's not just that we
have these differences.
It's that we appreciate them.
But that is something that has taken a
(09:30):
lot of communication and understanding
that we need to talk about these things.
And we need to talk about the fact
that I find it frustrating that
you're a splash of cold water.
You're like, well, I'm not
a splash of cold water.
Right?
And so we have this
communication back and forth.
It reminds me of how, not long
after you and I got married.
It was within our first year of marriage.
(09:50):
We were, doing something and I went
out with these other women and one
of the women was saying, Oh, my
husband's coming back from a trip.
And I said, Oh, well, you should,
you should go and meet with him.
And she goes, no, I'm not interested.
I've been married 10 years.
You wait till you're
been married 10 years.
(10:10):
You wait till you've been married
10 years and we'll see how excited
you are to see your husband.
And I thought, Oh, that's so sad.
And I thought, is this just part of
being a newlywed that I am excited
to see him when he comes home or
when he's been gone on a trip?
And I think that interaction really
got me to think about what I did want
(10:30):
when we had been married 10 years.
What did I want that to look like?
I didn't want to think, I don't
care if my husband comes home
from a five day business trip.
I wanted to be excited.
And so it is a lot of times making
these little compromises and talking.
A lot about what you're
interested, what I'm interested in,
So it's this regular communication and
(10:51):
that is truly the secret sauce of our
marriage is the communication, because
here we are 24 years later and I'll
tell you what, that woman was wrong.
When we had been married 10 years,
I was still fired up when you
came home from a business trip.
And now 24 years, I'm still
fired up when he comes home.
When he's gone for two days, I
can't wait for him to come home.
I cannot wait for you to walk in the
(11:12):
door because I'm excited to see you.
Because we've, we've kept that connection
and I think that's a big part of it.
Yeah, it definitely is.
And you know, the, the
communication part is key.
I feel like a lot of people, keep
their lives separate and they don't
talk about the hunting trip or
the girl's night out and it just
creates more distance over time.
(11:33):
And that's why 10 years down the road,
you find a lot of people like that woman
you were talking about who they just.
They kind of lost their way.
They're on different paths and they didn't
stay connected and they don't communicate
and we made a conscious decision that
that's not what we were going to do.
And there's still plenty of things
that I do and that you do that we
don't do together or that I'm not
(11:53):
interested in or that you're not
interested in, which is totally fine.
But we, we ask about it.
You know, we try to stay connected
and understand like you have some
friends that I never even met before.
I wouldn't recognize him if I bumped
into him in the street, but you go
out to have tea with your friend,
Maura, and I ask about it and you
tell me about the conversation.
(12:14):
So I feel like I'm at
least a part of it somehow.
And then you feel like I'm
interested in what you're doing,
even if it doesn't involve me.
So I think a lot of that really helps
us stay connected in such a great way.
I think that really does make a huge
difference for us and how our marriage
works I think that It's really easy to
(12:36):
only have the kids in common to or only
talk about things with your kids So making
sure we were always very conscious when
we go out and we'd have date nights One of
our rules was we couldn't talk about the
kids and we couldn't talk about, because
especially with us working together,
that could turn into a work meeting or it
could turn into a full conversation about,
oh, what do we need to do about this?
(12:56):
Or should we ground this kid or whatever?
It was like, we had to find
other things to talk about.
And I think that's really
been helpful in our marriage.
I think too, and this is really one of
the things I want to dive into for this
next part of the podcast is the division
of labor, because I think that's an area
of contention for a lot of marriages and
(13:16):
a lot of not just marriages, even if it's
a significant other or even a roommate
situation where you're, you know, living
with other people and there's not a happy
division of the chores and the housework.
You and I talk about this a lot
because I think the way that we divide
up our chores and the way that we
(13:37):
divide up household things is very,
very different than a lot of people.
We do not play into a lot
of the gender roles at all.
And for a long time, I was the main
breadwinner and you were the one who was
Running carpool or, you know, doing the
laundry and doing some of those tasks that
are traditionally a woman's job, which
I hate even saying that, but it's the
(13:59):
truth that a lot of those jobs are seen
as women's work And I'm not saying that.
Men are not fantastic allies to us,
but there is this pervasive belief.
I did a lot of research before we dove
into this podcast episode, looking at why
is it that there's this struggle a lot
(14:19):
of times, especially with men and women,
with the household chores and the jobs
and why is it, And this is a true fact.
Why is it that women are still doing
the lion's share of the chores at home?
And it was fascinating.
I know you and I have talked a lot about
it preparing for this episode, but what I
found interesting is it's traditionally in
(14:41):
heterosexual marriages and relationships
that you see this very wide division
of taking care of the house is woman's
work and the other things are the
men's men's work going out and working.
Even though the woman is
working, even though she might
be even the main breadwinner in
a lot of these relationships.
I have women I know who are making three
(15:02):
times what their husbands are making, and
yet they're still in charge of all the
child care and laundry and getting dinner
on the table and all of those things.
So it was really interesting to dive into
this research because you don't see that
same division between same sex couples.
So in this research that I was looking
up, they were saying heterosexual couples,
(15:23):
they tend to follow along gender lines.
Same sex couples relationships,
they don't have that division.
It seems like a more of a 50 50
split, but here's what's interesting.
Once they have children, all
of a sudden that changes.
I thought that was fascinating.
Like it's all of a sudden whoever
is taking care of the children,
(15:44):
they're then deemed into the
household slash women's work.
It's almost like it's not necessarily
a men's role versus a woman's role.
It's more the provider
versus the caretaker, right?
And so I think when we read that
article about the same sex couples,
And when they have children, I was
like, Oh, I mean, it makes sense.
(16:08):
You fall into those traditional roles.
And traditionally the man was
the provider and the woman was
the caretaker and somehow we have
trouble breaking free of that.
but I thought that was interesting
that it happened in the same sex
marriages too, once they introduced
kids into the whole thing.
And it kind of makes sense, but at the
same time, We can do better than that.
(16:28):
We can do so much better.
I mean, in the research that we
found, even as recently as 2010,
women were doing twice the household
chores than the husbands were.
Twice the household chores.
That's crazy.
And these women are going out and doing
amazing things with their own careers.
And yet somehow they're
(16:49):
expected to do this.
And there is this pervasive belief.
And this is not just in the
United States or Western cultures.
It's pervasive around the world
that as women start to go into
certain areas of industry.
And they're seeing this, for
example, in a lot of medical
fields, in the healthcare industry.
(17:09):
When there starts to be more women
in a certain industry, so say, for
example, obstetrics, or like a certain
genre, we'll say, of medicine, when
women start becoming the majority, or
even a larger minority than they, what
they used to be, the pay decreases
(17:30):
dramatically as soon as women
come on as these experts.
And that I think is really interesting.
And that says a lot about how society
still looks at women and our roles.
Our time is not seen as
important as it is for men.
It has much lower value.
And I don't understand why
(17:50):
that is, but I do think
that can be the heart of a
lot of issues with a marriage.
I found this research that we
were diving into so fascinating
because it does explain why there
can be this misunderstanding about
whose work or whose job it is at
home to do these different things,
And one of the things that this study
(18:12):
found was it's not even about a 50
50 division of the labor at home.
That's not what makes couples happy.
It's if you feel each individual feels
like they are sharing and that they like
the household duties that they're doing.
There's always going to be
duties you don't like to do.
I said duties.
hmm.
(18:32):
There's always going to be chores and
tasks that you don't really love to
do, but if there's a division where
someone else is taking on some of those
chores that you don't like as much at
least, the, the satisfaction in that
relationship dramatically increases.
So, I think it's really important
that you're making sure that you're
communicating all of these things.
(18:52):
So, when I was thinking about this
and how, you know, going back through
the decades that you and I have been
together, how we started really dividing
up and figuring out, I came up with five
steps that really can help you with the
division of labor in your relationship.
Whether it's a marriage or a roommate
situation or a significant other,
(19:12):
someone that you're living with.
It really does help to
do these five things.
So I want to go through those with you.
John, you and I have talked about this.
This is definitely
things that we have done.
The first step is setting the priorities.
Now, that seems like a strange
thing, although it doesn't.
Coming for me, come on.
We talk about priorities all the time
(19:33):
on here.
But the truth is, How many
people are doing chores that you
really don't give a shit about?
I mean, quite frankly, sometimes
we're doing things because that's
what we think we are supposed to do.
So for example, making
the bed in the morning.
We make the bed in the morning.
It makes us very happy when we walk
in the room and that feels good.
If you are a person who does not care if
(19:54):
the bed is made, why are you doing it?
If you genuinely don't care,
whether the bet is made.
Don't do it.
Take some of those things
off of your task list.
So really choosing what do we need to do?
What's essential?
What are the tasks that
we absolutely have to do?
There are always tasks that we
absolutely have to do that are essential.
(20:14):
What are the tasks that are important?
And this is a great conversation
to have with the person you're
living with or with your team.
what are the tasks that
are really important?
What are the ones that we're
doing that we can just stop?
What are the things that we don't
really care about that we're doing just
because we're supposed to be doing?
So it is first really
setting those priorities.
We need to do these things.
These things are important.
These things are essential.
(20:35):
These things, oh, let's stop doing those.
Let's just quit.
And that's okay.
Yeah, and I think it's important to
understand, too, the differences in your
priorities versus my priorities, right?
And that's the same in any relationship.
Like there's things that in the house
are important for you that aren't
important for me and vice versa, but
you need to have that communication.
(20:57):
Like I know for you, you like to walk
in the door and not see a bunch of
crap, either on the stairs from the
garage or in the laundry room, which
is the first room that you walk into.
Not that important to me, but because I
know it's important to you, I will stop
and make sure that I'm going to pick those
towels up off the floor in the laundry
room, because that's going to drive Tanya
crazy, even though it doesn't bother me.
(21:18):
So it's some of those little tiny things.
Understanding each other's
priorities makes a big difference.
Absolutely.
For me, the garage, I like
the garage to be very neat.
That to me is my welcome home.
This is the first thing I see
when I'm coming back home.
That's my greeting is the garage.
So that's a sticking point for me,
which I love that you pointed that out
because that gets me to the second step.
(21:39):
So the first step was
setting the priorities.
And then the second step
is setting the assignments.
Listen, if this is important
to you, then maybe you should
be the one in charge of it.
So for example, the garage, as I just
mentioned, That's important to me.
I feel like I pull the car in.
I don't want to see a bunch
of stuff in the garage.
I don't want to see a bunch of junk there.
I don't want to see the laundry room,
which is the room we essentially
(22:00):
see right when we walk in the door.
I don't want to see that looking messy.
So when we painted the
house, I painted the garage.
The garage is painted a color.
It makes me happy.
The garage is neat.
That's my domain that I
make sure is nice and neat.
That's my assignment.
And so, you know, Last week on Not Rocket
Science, that's my sub stack, my resource
(22:23):
hub of information, I had a four minute
video where I walk through a process
you can do with your employees to make
sure that they're doing things that they
really like and get them ignited and
fired up and excited about their jobs.
You can do that same process,
What I think is important is
it's not you assigning people.
It's having a meeting as a
(22:43):
team, whether it's you and your
significant other or you, your
significant other and your children.
Or whoever it is on that team at
home and having a conversation
about what is it you like to do?
What is it you want to do more of?
And as I said in that video that
I posted, there's always going
to be tasks you don't like.
We want to make sure that someone is
not overloaded with, they're always
(23:04):
doing the tasks that nobody likes.
Like nobody likes picking up the dog poop.
I mean, I'll be honest, I'm not sure who
in the world enjoy speaking of dog poop,
but so we make sure that that's rotated.
Right?
And we like speaking of the dog poop.
So, if you haven't seen that
video, definitely go check
that out on my Substack.
I'll put a link in the show notes.
(23:25):
But check that out because
here's the thing that happens.
A lot of times you feel like I'm doing
all this work and you're doing nothing,
but we don't say anything about it.
We don't say, Hey, I'm noticing
that I'm doing all these things.
I don't like them.
What can you help me with?
It's like, we're afraid to have that.
difficult conversation with
someone to say, I'm not happy
with how things are running.
(23:46):
I like to say that the first five
minutes of those conversations
are the most difficult.
Once you get past the first five
minutes, so much easier, right?
But you have the conversation and
talk about who's going to do what.
Take that list that you just talked
about when you set your priorities and
say, okay, who's in charge of this?
Who's in charge of that?
Who wants to do this?
Because there's going to
be some tasks people love.
(24:07):
I love cleaning windows.
It's kind of a random task,
but it makes me feel so happy.
I feel like when I clean the
windows, the house looks clean.
So I'm very happy to take on that chore.
So there's certain things that
might surprise you that people like.
A lot of people like mowing the grass.
I also enjoy mowing the grass.
I know you do as well.
It's very satisfying to me seeing those
(24:29):
lines of grass getting mowed down.
So talk about what do you like?
What do you not like?
And start figuring out
who's in charge of what.
Those conversations
about giving assignments.
It's not giving people orders, right?
You're having a conversation so
you can come to an agreement.
it's a team thing.
It's not a drill sergeant kind of
you're going to do this we can make
(24:49):
this a conversation and make it work
a lot better And for me vacuuming is
kind of like washing the windows like
I enjoy that It makes me feel good
to walk around the house barefoot and
not step on dog food or, flour that we
dropped on the floor in the kitchen.
I really like the clean floor.
So I do that because it's important to
me, but you can't, you don't know that
(25:10):
if you don't have the conversations
Yeah, absolutely.
And I like that you like to vacuum.
That makes me very happy.
Let's talk about step three.
So we've talked about the first two steps.
The third step is setting expectations.
And I'll be honest, this is probably
the step that most people miss.
They say, I want the floor to be cleaned.
I want your room to be clean.
(25:31):
Right?
And then there's no parameters.
There's no idea of what
success looks like.
And the truth is
How can we achieve success if we
don't know what success looks like?
Making sure from the front end,
you are setting the expectation
of this is what I define.
This is what I define as organized.
(25:51):
that's really important.
Back, you know, years ago, with the
kids, instead of saying, clean your
room, and then we'd come upstairs and
we'd be like, your room's not clean.
And they'd say, yeah, it is.
I came up with a room inspection
where it was like, here's a little
checklist of what my expectations are.
You're not gonna have things shoved
underneath your dresser, right?
The closet floor is cleaned.
It was just a short little
(26:12):
checklist so they understood, oh,
this is what mom's looking for.
Because the word clean means a lot of
things to a lot of people, and if you
have children, you know their definition
of clean is not the same as yours.
Right.
So I think that's really important
is making sure that you're
setting those expectations.
And this is exactly like
(26:32):
delegation, quite frankly.
And that's 1 of the big mistakes,
a lot of people make in delegation
is they delegate some something.
They delegate a task to someone and they
don't take the time to define success.
This is what the expectations are.
And then we're disappointed and we're
irritated and we end up taking it
back because they haven't done it the
way that we think it should be done.
(26:54):
But if you don't set those expectations on
the front end, they don't know what to do.
So essentially what we're doing
in step three is delegating.
So we talk a lot about delegation.
Delegation happens at home and actually
now that I think about it, I think that
the sub stack, the email I'm going to send
out today is going to be about delegation.
I have a whole delegation blueprint
(27:15):
that you can walk through that shows
you how you set the expectations,
what that meeting looks like.
So I will send that out today
and I'll put a link to that.
But if you'll go to Tanya
Dalton dot com slash connect.
You'll make sure that you get
that email and you'll make sure
that you get that delegation.
Even if you don't get it this
week, I'll, I'll send the link
as well in the following week.
(27:35):
So make sure you're signed
up for my sub stack.
I'm going to go ahead and send you that
delegation blueprint just because I
think it really does change the game.
We all have different expectations.
You know, I've seen, this meme out
there that says in every marriage,
there's a person who loads the
dishwasher like a Swedish architect.
And there's a person who loads the
(27:55):
dishwasher like a raccoon on meth.
And I think that's true.
I think that's true.
And you know what?
I know who that person is in my marriage.
That person in my marriage who loads the
dishwasher like a raccoon on meth is me.
I, I don't have the patience.
for loading the dishwasher in
the way that John wants it.
So now we know I take the dishes after
(28:18):
they're clean, if I'm cleaning up
the dishes, I stack them right where
the dishwasher is, and he loads them.
Or he's trained the kids how to load them.
Quite frankly, I have purposely not
trained myself how to load it because I
can, I can excuse myself from that task.
But.
I am the raccoon on meth
loading the dishwasher.
John is the Swedish architect and
other and other areas of our world.
(28:39):
The junk drawer.
I'm the Swedish architect.
You are the raccoon on meth.
But that that's why too, when we're having
that conversation about the assignments,
it's really important to understand
who is going to be better at this job.
And then.
This third step, which is
setting the expectations, right?
Because what happens is John
has a very specific way.
(29:00):
He wants the dishwasher loaded.
All right, whatever.
I don't care.
As long as the dishes get clean.
But what happens is if you have
something very specific that you
want to do, then you end up, you
know, I'm just unloading the whole
dishwasher and I'm reloading it myself.
So what happens is eventually
that person's like, all
right, I'm not going to do it.
Right?
And then we get frustrated because
we're like, they never do this job.
(29:20):
Well, if you have a very specific
way of doing it, you have to set
that expectation and let them know.
So John has told me how he
likes the dishwasher to be
loaded and we have an agreement.
I'll, I will clean the dishes,
I'll stack them right above it
and he loads it and that works.
That might not work for
you, but that works for us.
Those are the expectations.
it's all about the conversation, And if
(29:41):
you're thinking about this from a work
standpoint, it's, it's training, right?
so for example, if you want your
son to mow the yard, And you
say, you need to mow the yard.
Well, you don't know what
that means to him, right?
But if, if that means to you that you
mow the yard, you edge with the weed
eater, and then you use the blower to
clean off the patio, the driveway and the
back deck, well, you need to tell them
(30:02):
that's what you mean by mow the yard.
And if you don't, you can't get
frustrated if they do it wrong because
you never taught them how to do it
to what your expectation levels are.
So if they're not doing it the way you
want that's your fault because you haven't
told them what those expectations are.
So don't get frustrated with
them if they're not meeting your
expectations, if you never told
(30:23):
them what your expectations were.
that's a huge part of it is
setting those expectations.
It's so important to understand
the assignment and the expectation.
We do that at work.
We do that at home.
I like to say that your
home is a business.
It's a nonprofit.
The product you're creating are
well adjusted children or morals
and values for you and your family.
(30:46):
All of that is important,
whether you have kids or not.
Your home is run a lot, a lot
of times in very similar ways to
what you're doing at the office.
This is just delegation.
and again, I will talk about delegation
on the sub stack on not rocket science,
because I think it is so important
that we understand how to do this.
All right, let's move to step
number four, because step
(31:07):
number four is meet regularly.
So it is having this communication, you
know, as I mentioned earlier with the dog
poop example, I like that I said dog poop
now multiple times on the podcast, but
nobody wants that job on a regular basis.
Nobody wants that job.
So we make sure that we meet regularly
(31:27):
so that we can rotate some of those Not
so fun jobs, those dirty jobs or those
ones that nobody really wants to do.
So we do a family meeting.
We always call it a team planning
and I actually have a YouTube video.
So i'll i'll include that as well when i'm
sending out emails and all those things.
We have a video where we walk through
how we do our team planning on Sundays
(31:49):
and that's part of that meeting.
Hey, what's going on?
All right, Jack, you've been in
charge of, you know, this chore that
nobody wants to do for, for 3 weeks.
All right, it's K's turn to take the
chore for the next 3 weeks or for the next
month or however you want to rotate it.
That allows everyone to feel like,
okay, at least I'm only doing
it for a short amount of time.
Right?
(32:09):
And that's very similar actually
to how you and I split up feeding
babies when we had babies.
When we had infants, right, we would do
at night, we would bottle feed at night,
we'd go three days on, three days off.
So I would be on for three days.
And then I would, and then John would
be on for three days and then I would
be on for three days and then John would
(32:29):
be on for three days and that really
worked because you never got to a point
where you were so exhausted and angry
and cranky and all of those things where
you're snapping at each other because that
first night that you're off, it's kind
of like how oil rig workers do it, where
they do these six weeks on and then six
weeks off you go, you get in that mode
and you're like, all right, I'm going
(32:50):
to get up for the next three nights.
That's doable, right?
Totally doable to get up
for the next three nights.
Well, after you've done your three nights,
your three day tour or three night tour,
those first three days where you're
off, you're like the first day you're
not sleeping great, but you're okay.
Second night, get a
little bit better sleep.
Third night you sleep solid.
And then you're back up and running
(33:10):
for being back on for baby feeding.
And that worked well for us.
So it's really important.
You want to have this, this almost
like a pattern or a rhythm where
it's like, okay, I can do this.
This is short term.
It's not forever.
Some chores are really either dirty
or they're just chores nobody likes
or they're chores that are really big.
So making sure that you're rotating that.
(33:32):
The other thing that's great
about meeting regularly is that it
allows us to support each other.
That's one of the things in our team
meetings that we have on Sundays is,
hey, what's everybody have going on?
So let's say that Kay has a lot
going on for, she has her ACT.
Okay.
That she's preparing for this week.
She's taking your ACT this week.
Okay, Kay's got her ACT.
(33:52):
What do you need us to
take off your plate?
Because we're here to support you.
So we're doing more of her chores
while she's preparing for the ACT.
And then the following week, maybe
Jack has something and we're all kind
of shoring up and working together
so that no one's feeling overwhelmed.
And there are times where I'm the one
who has too much on my plate going on.
Like, as I was preparing for launching
the sub stack, it was like, okay,
(34:13):
I can't do all the other things.
So the kids came in and did more
of the chores and you came in and
took care of some of my chores.
We work together and that
creates that team mentality.
I think that's why.
We do have such a close knit family
is we have this regular communication,
this regular opportunity to, to
connect and talk about what's going on.
and I think also it gives you the
opportunity when you have those
(34:34):
meetings to make adjustments, right?
like you mentioned, Tanya, with
you're having a heavy week.
We can pick up some of the slack.
That's part of the adjustment.
Sometimes it's like, maybe the
expectations we set weren't realistic.
To begin with, and we need to change
them, you know, with the yard,
maybe we can't edge it anymore
because the weed eaters broken.
So we need to adjust those, but
(34:54):
it allows you with those regular
conversations to make sure that
we can make those adjustments.
Everybody's concerns or
whatever being heard.
and everyone feels supported and
like they're a part of the team.
So it's, it's extremely important to
make sure that you're meeting regularly.
Well, essentially what you just did
was said step number five, which
is reassess, make adjustments,
(35:17):
which do they happen together.
So it is this idea of,
hey, what's working.
I like what you said there.
Like maybe the weed eater's not working.
What can we let go of?
What do we have to get fixed?
Are these things really important?
Sometimes we take on a task and
then we go, we're going with it.
And then also we're like,
why are we doing this again?
This really isn't that important to me.
So having the opportunity to reassess,
(35:39):
and it also gives you a chance to check
in with each other because what we don't
want is anyone keeping a scorecard.
Hey, I'm doing all these things
and you're doing nothing.
Or I feel like I'm doing all this
work and you're just sitting there.
But we can let go of that.
Feeling like we need to blame letting
go of the blame game and letting
go of the scorecard when we're
stopping and regularly reassessing.
(36:00):
I actually have that on the calendar
where it's like, let's reassess
our chores like twice a year.
We just do a quick check in.
How are we feeling about this?
What do we need to do?
You and I are gearing up
to do our summer task list.
We were just talking
about that this morning.
Like, what do we want to accomplish
the summer while the weather is nice?
What are the outdoor
things we want to tackle?
And what are the projects
we're going to enjoy?
So those are the five steps.
(36:22):
So just to review them with
you again, it's first of all
Setting Your Priorities
what are the things that are important?
What do you need to let go of?
What's essential?
Setting the assignment.
Who wants these different jobs?
What do you like?
What do you not like?
Use that activity that I shared, you know,
on the sub stack, on Not Rocket Science.
Use that activity to write
out the chores and pop them in
those four different categories.
(36:43):
Then we have our third step, setting
expectations, making sure everyone
knows what success looks like.
Fourth step, meeting regularly.
And fifth step, reassess and
make adjustments as needed.
When we do that, do you see how
the communication is just built in?
It's baked into the entire process because
you're continually talking about it.
And talking about it, that's
(37:04):
the first step of anything.
Building bridges happens
when we're talking and we're
going a little bit deeper.
Instead of being angry, it's taking
a step back, taking a deep breath and
saying, okay, what do we want to do?
And it is also, let's be honest, letting
go of other people's expectations.
The schools, teachers, a lot
of people expect mom to be in
(37:25):
charge of everything, right?
A lot of times, even though John would
drop off the kids at school, they would
still email me asking me questions.
And I would, and I would very gently say,
well, John can talk to you about that when
he's picking up this afternoon, right?
That John's in charge of this.
There's that whole mentality.
I'm really happy because I see it changing
on TV, but of the dumb dad who doesn't do
(37:48):
anything that drives me crazy because when
we treat dads that way, of course they're
just like playing into the persona.
Like I guess I'm not
supposed to do these things.
So if we really want to change
the way that we https (38:01):
otter.
ai
if I would encourage anything, I would
say Don't look at TV and social media
and those kinds of things to figure
out, you know What should our roles in
our relationship be just talk to each
(38:23):
other figure out what works for you?
That's what's most important and you know
if you see resentment coming in, you
know to yourself or if your partners has
a scorecard like when we were talking
about step number four, that's a huge
red flag If someone is keeping score or
somebody's harboring some resentment,
have more conversations it's never too
(38:44):
late to try to fix, whatever is happening.
It really is shifting a lot of
those perceptions and choosing
to do the things that feel good.
And that's why that first step
is really setting your priorities
and having the conversations.
It is sometimes hard.
Especially if you are feeling some
resentment to take a deep breath set
aside your anger and then go and
say, okay, we're going to stop.
(39:05):
And we're going to take
a look at all of this.
We're going to lay it all out.
So, I really want to encourage you, if
you are feeling frustrated or irritated.
This is a great place to start.
So I want to encourage you to make
sure that you look at that delegation
blueprint that I'll be sharing.
You can go to tanyadalton.
com slash connect to check out my
not rocket science resource hub is
filled with lots of extras from the
(39:27):
podcast to help you dive even deeper.
And this week we'll have that
delegation blueprint that'll help you
not just at work, but also at home.
And to be honest with you, one of the
things you could do right now is you
could send this podcast episode to
that person who you're maybe feeling
a little bit of frustration with.
Or if you know someone who is struggling
with this, take a screenshot of the
(39:48):
podcast, send them a text message and say,
Hey, you got to listen to this episode.
All right.
As we wrap up today's show.
What I want you to remember
is relationships really
are the key to happiness.
And if you're having frustration in
your relationship, because there's
not a lot of communication, or you're
feeling a lot of resentment, because
maybe the job sharing doesn't feel like
it's even and equal, I want to encourage
(40:10):
you to start having the conversations.
Yes, the first five minutes are
the most difficult part, but I can
promise you it's absolutely worth it.
And truly, that's how you get
the Intentional Advantage.
Ready to take action on what we
talked about on today's episode?
The easiest way to get started is
my 5 Minute Miracle Mini Course.
(40:31):
It's normally 97, but you get it for
free when you join my free sub stack.
It'll boost your productivity and
it will double your happiness.
Plus, you'll get access to all
kinds of extras from the podcast.
Just go to tanyadalton.
com slash connect.
And don't forget to follow The
Intentional Advantage on your podcast
(40:52):
player so you never miss an episode.
Hello, hello, everyone.
(00:01):
And welcome to the
Intentional Advantage podcast.
I'm your host, Tanya Dalton.
This is episode 297.
We had such a great conversation
in our last episode talking about
strengths and weaknesses and I wanted
to really continue that conversation.
We touched a lot on communication,
(00:21):
we touched a lot on relationships,
and I wanted to go even
deeper in this episode today.
So, I have John on the show,
again, as we've been doing.
I'm really enjoying having him on the
show, It's so good to get his perspective.
Today we're going to be talking
about marriage, relationships, not
just marriage, but all kinds of
relationships, but also creating
(00:43):
really strong communication.
John and I've been married for over
two decades, 24 years this year.
And truly you'll hear me
say this in the episode.
Communication is the secret sauce
of why we are so ridiculously
happy in our marriage.
It really is.
And so we're going to
talk about communication.
We're going to talk about the division of
(01:03):
chores because that is definitely a point
of contention in a lot of relationships.
Because in every relationship,
we're going to talk about this.
There is one person who loads
the dishwasher like a Swedish
architect, and there is another
person in the relationship who
loads it like a raccoon on meth.
You might be surprised to
find out which one I am.
(01:24):
Let's dive into that.
We're going to talk about that right now.
Let's get started with the show.
Does your life spark joy?
I'm not asking if your life
is good or if life feels okay.
Does it spark joy?
When was the last time you
slipped into bed at night and
thought, today felt amazing?
Because if it's been more than two
or three days, that's too long.
(01:46):
I'm Tanya Dalton, a best selling author,
motivational speaker, seven figure
entrepreneur, and oh yeah, wife and mom.
So I get it.
I understand the stress of daily life.
As a productivity expert, I'm here to
help you choose the extraordinary life.
This season, we will be exploring
how we can create more joy and
intention into every single day.
(02:07):
And it doesn't have to be so hard.
This is The Intentional Advantage.
On our last episode, you and I, John,
we were talking about strengths and
weaknesses and we didn't have time
to get to all the different parts
where we talked about communication.
And it was funny because
just like 2 or 3 days ago.
(02:29):
We were sitting downstairs in the
living room and we were having this
conversation about how I was struggling
with some of my work because I am,
I'm 100 percent a self starter.
I don't need external
forces motivating me.
I'm very internally motivated and
I've always thought of myself as being
a person who just kind of goes off,
does their thing and then moves on.
(02:51):
Except I've been realizing because
you've been very busy with some of
your consulting work that you're doing.
John does some fractional CMO
work for different companies
that we have not been meeting and
strategizing and communicating.
And I realized I don't work well in a
silo and that fits so completely with the
(03:12):
conversation we had on the last podcast.
And I said to you, I said, you know what?
We probably should just be recording
this because it was such a great
conversation where we talked about
how we work, how different we work.
And the way that we communicate
and the way that we lean
on each other's strengths.
and weaknesses is part of,
(03:33):
that's part of our secret sauce.
Wouldn't you agree?
Yeah.
And I think, understanding what
about us is different and that's, I
know we're going to dive into this
more, is really what helps us a lot.
We also understand where
we're the same, right?
Cause we do have some similarities
for sure, in terms of some of our
personality traits and everything else.
But.
A lot of the core ones are different
(03:54):
and understanding that makes a big
difference in how we work together.
We get a lot of emails and questions
about how do you guys make this work?
How does your marriage work?
We've been together a long time.
We are madly in love with each other.
We have a great time together.
We have so much fun.
How do you do it?
And I think it is recognizing
those differences.
So I felt like today on the show, I
(04:15):
wanted to touch a little bit back on
those strengths because that ties in
with everything, how we communicate,
and even how we work together.
Because, you know, I was reading
the other day that someone had
said, I can't remember who it was.
They were talking about the fact
that in every marriage, there's a
how person and there's a wow person.
And the wow person is
a hundred percent me.
(04:36):
They're the person who has these
big, fast ideas and I'm thinking big.
And I come to you and I'm like, okay,
like you'll be sitting, you'll just
be sitting there working on something.
I'll be like, okay, I have this idea.
I can see you bracing yourself.
You're like, all right, I got to
buckle up, put my seatbelt on.
Here she goes.
I'm in the big wow person
because I have all these ideas.
Like anything is possible.
(04:58):
And you.
are the how person.
Like, here I am with this gigantic
idea, and your question will be,
well, how are we going to do that?
How is this going to work?
How are we going to, right?
Like, you're the one who keeps me
tethered to the earth in a lot of
ways, which is Very important because
I'm floating off into space with these
giant ideas and you have a hold of
(05:19):
my ankle and you're like, okay, let's
bring in a little bit of reality, right?
And you're more of the logistical person.
You're the person who's paying attention
to like, I mean, this sounds great, but
who the hell is going to do these things?
And how are we going to do these things?
Yeah.
And I think, you know, looking back
on it, I can understand why you
thought I was just throwing cold
(05:40):
water on your ideas and saying, well,
how are we going to implement that?
Or what's the process for that?
I immediately started
thinking of the steps, right?
How are we going to execute this?
And.
Sometimes if you don't understand
the way my brain works, that comes
across as me poo pooing your idea,
As opposed to, okay, well, let's
talk about how we can make this work.
and now that we understand that it makes
(06:02):
those conversations work so much better.
And really it's a great, it's a
great balance, or I guess I should
say harmony, not balance, right?
In our relationship and how we
work together with those ideas.
I totally agree because you need
the person who's there saying,
how are we going to do this?
And this is actually part of
when we were talking about
strengths in our last episode.
(06:23):
And when you think about who you want
to have at your table and what I mean at
your table, I mean, in conversations you
don't want to have all the same people.
You want to have different
people, different perspective,
different ideas, lots of diversity.
Because the way that we all think really
does create a better end product, whether
that end product is your kids, right?
(06:43):
That's the product you're creating
your kids or you're in a business,
situation and you're creating products
and services or you're managing a team.
We want to have lots of different ideas.
But the thing is, we have to
respect that other people have
other ways of operating and working.
And that did take us a while,
because I would feel like you
(07:04):
were the splash of cold water.
I'd have this, like, fantastic idea,
which probably wasn't even that fantastic,
but I thought it was at the time.
And you would bring me down
to earth and say, Okay, okay.
How are we going to do this?
What about all these other
things that we're working on?
How are we going to make this work?
And now, instead of getting frustrated,
now I see this is the important
(07:25):
part of, of the whole process.
You know, for those of you who
are subscribed to my newsletter,
which is at tanyadalton.
com slash connect, you know, I shared
just this past week, my leadership guide.
And in my leadership guide,
it very clearly says, not
interested in granular details.
I like the big picture.
I like for you to come to me with
(07:46):
these problems that already, you
already have solutions for or ideas
of how you want to solve them.
I don't do granular.
And that's part of what's
great is John is very granular.
He likes to look at
all the little details.
I like to say that a good example of
how we operate and work at home is I
will have this idea for a gallery wall.
I'll have this idea for this gallery
(08:06):
wall and I'll have it all mapped out.
Like I want to do a big picture here
at eight by 10 and 11 by 14 and I'll
have this whole vision of what I want.
And then I better not get the hammer and
nails because I won't take the time to
measure and make it all hang properly.
I'll just start like
putting holes into the wall.
John is the person who then comes in
(08:27):
and he's like, all right, I gotcha.
I see the vision.
Now I'm going to execute it.
And that's how we work
together really well.
But it did take a lot of
communication to get here.
I think in doing a lot of that work
and understanding how we think and how
we work together, we were able to turn
that frustration into appreciation.
(08:47):
So now with that example you gave
with the gallery wall, I understand
that you're better with the vision,
So if we have that project on the
front end, you do that work and
you come up with what we're doing.
And then I execute it, I have the
patience to sit there with a level
to make sure things are lined up
perfectly straight, because those
kinds of details make my brain happy.
And now that you understand
(09:09):
that you appreciate it, it
doesn't frustrate you anymore.
It's it's now, how we work together
and it makes things so much better.
And the, the end product of whatever it
is we're working on is much better too.
Absolutely.
I completely agree.
And I think that's the thing.
It's not just that we
have these differences.
It's that we appreciate them.
But that is something that has taken a
(09:30):
lot of communication and understanding
that we need to talk about these things.
And we need to talk about the fact
that I find it frustrating that
you're a splash of cold water.
You're like, well, I'm not
a splash of cold water.
Right?
And so we have this
communication back and forth.
It reminds me of how, not long
after you and I got married.
It was within our first year of marriage.
(09:50):
We were, doing something and I went
out with these other women and one
of the women was saying, Oh, my
husband's coming back from a trip.
And I said, Oh, well, you should,
you should go and meet with him.
And she goes, no, I'm not interested.
I've been married 10 years.
You wait till you're
been married 10 years.
(10:10):
You wait till you've been married
10 years and we'll see how excited
you are to see your husband.
And I thought, Oh, that's so sad.
And I thought, is this just part of
being a newlywed that I am excited
to see him when he comes home or
when he's been gone on a trip?
And I think that interaction really
got me to think about what I did want
(10:30):
when we had been married 10 years.
What did I want that to look like?
I didn't want to think, I don't
care if my husband comes home
from a five day business trip.
I wanted to be excited.
And so it is a lot of times making
these little compromises and talking.
A lot about what you're
interested, what I'm interested in,
So it's this regular communication and
(10:51):
that is truly the secret sauce of our
marriage is the communication, because
here we are 24 years later and I'll
tell you what, that woman was wrong.
When we had been married 10 years,
I was still fired up when you
came home from a business trip.
And now 24 years, I'm still
fired up when he comes home.
When he's gone for two days, I
can't wait for him to come home.
I cannot wait for you to walk in the
(11:12):
door because I'm excited to see you.
Because we've, we've kept that connection
and I think that's a big part of it.
Yeah, it definitely is.
And you know, the, the
communication part is key.
I feel like a lot of people, keep
their lives separate and they don't
talk about the hunting trip or
the girl's night out and it just
creates more distance over time.
(11:33):
And that's why 10 years down the road,
you find a lot of people like that woman
you were talking about who they just.
They kind of lost their way.
They're on different paths and they didn't
stay connected and they don't communicate
and we made a conscious decision that
that's not what we were going to do.
And there's still plenty of things
that I do and that you do that we
don't do together or that I'm not
(11:53):
interested in or that you're not
interested in, which is totally fine.
But we, we ask about it.
You know, we try to stay connected
and understand like you have some
friends that I never even met before.
I wouldn't recognize him if I bumped
into him in the street, but you go
out to have tea with your friend,
Maura, and I ask about it and you
tell me about the conversation.
(12:14):
So I feel like I'm at
least a part of it somehow.
And then you feel like I'm
interested in what you're doing,
even if it doesn't involve me.
So I think a lot of that really helps
us stay connected in such a great way.
I think that really does make a huge
difference for us and how our marriage
works I think that It's really easy to
(12:36):
only have the kids in common to or only
talk about things with your kids So making
sure we were always very conscious when
we go out and we'd have date nights One of
our rules was we couldn't talk about the
kids and we couldn't talk about, because
especially with us working together,
that could turn into a work meeting or it
could turn into a full conversation about,
oh, what do we need to do about this?
(12:56):
Or should we ground this kid or whatever?
It was like, we had to find
other things to talk about.
And I think that's really
been helpful in our marriage.
I think too, and this is really one of
the things I want to dive into for this
next part of the podcast is the division
of labor, because I think that's an area
of contention for a lot of marriages and
(13:16):
a lot of not just marriages, even if it's
a significant other or even a roommate
situation where you're, you know, living
with other people and there's not a happy
division of the chores and the housework.
You and I talk about this a lot
because I think the way that we divide
up our chores and the way that we
(13:37):
divide up household things is very,
very different than a lot of people.
We do not play into a lot
of the gender roles at all.
And for a long time, I was the main
breadwinner and you were the one who was
Running carpool or, you know, doing the
laundry and doing some of those tasks that
are traditionally a woman's job, which
I hate even saying that, but it's the
(13:59):
truth that a lot of those jobs are seen
as women's work And I'm not saying that.
Men are not fantastic allies to us,
but there is this pervasive belief.
I did a lot of research before we dove
into this podcast episode, looking at why
is it that there's this struggle a lot
(14:19):
of times, especially with men and women,
with the household chores and the jobs
and why is it, And this is a true fact.
Why is it that women are still doing
the lion's share of the chores at home?
And it was fascinating.
I know you and I have talked a lot about
it preparing for this episode, but what I
found interesting is it's traditionally in
(14:41):
heterosexual marriages and relationships
that you see this very wide division
of taking care of the house is woman's
work and the other things are the
men's men's work going out and working.
Even though the woman is
working, even though she might
be even the main breadwinner in
a lot of these relationships.
I have women I know who are making three
(15:02):
times what their husbands are making, and
yet they're still in charge of all the
child care and laundry and getting dinner
on the table and all of those things.
So it was really interesting to dive into
this research because you don't see that
same division between same sex couples.
So in this research that I was looking
up, they were saying heterosexual couples,
(15:23):
they tend to follow along gender lines.
Same sex couples relationships,
they don't have that division.
It seems like a more of a 50 50
split, but here's what's interesting.
Once they have children, all
of a sudden that changes.
I thought that was fascinating.
Like it's all of a sudden whoever
is taking care of the children,
(15:44):
they're then deemed into the
household slash women's work.
It's almost like it's not necessarily
a men's role versus a woman's role.
It's more the provider
versus the caretaker, right?
And so I think when we read that
article about the same sex couples,
And when they have children, I was
like, Oh, I mean, it makes sense.
(16:08):
You fall into those traditional roles.
And traditionally the man was
the provider and the woman was
the caretaker and somehow we have
trouble breaking free of that.
but I thought that was interesting
that it happened in the same sex
marriages too, once they introduced
kids into the whole thing.
And it kind of makes sense, but at the
same time, We can do better than that.
(16:28):
We can do so much better.
I mean, in the research that we
found, even as recently as 2010,
women were doing twice the household
chores than the husbands were.
Twice the household chores.
That's crazy.
And these women are going out and doing
amazing things with their own careers.
And yet somehow they're
(16:49):
expected to do this.
And there is this pervasive belief.
And this is not just in the
United States or Western cultures.
It's pervasive around the world
that as women start to go into
certain areas of industry.
And they're seeing this, for
example, in a lot of medical
fields, in the healthcare industry.
(17:09):
When there starts to be more women
in a certain industry, so say, for
example, obstetrics, or like a certain
genre, we'll say, of medicine, when
women start becoming the majority, or
even a larger minority than they, what
they used to be, the pay decreases
(17:30):
dramatically as soon as women
come on as these experts.
And that I think is really interesting.
And that says a lot about how society
still looks at women and our roles.
Our time is not seen as
important as it is for men.
It has much lower value.
And I don't understand why
(17:50):
that is, but I do think
that can be the heart of a
lot of issues with a marriage.
I found this research that we
were diving into so fascinating
because it does explain why there
can be this misunderstanding about
whose work or whose job it is at
home to do these different things,
And one of the things that this study
(18:12):
found was it's not even about a 50
50 division of the labor at home.
That's not what makes couples happy.
It's if you feel each individual feels
like they are sharing and that they like
the household duties that they're doing.
There's always going to be
duties you don't like to do.
I said duties.
hmm.
(18:32):
There's always going to be chores and
tasks that you don't really love to
do, but if there's a division where
someone else is taking on some of those
chores that you don't like as much at
least, the, the satisfaction in that
relationship dramatically increases.
So, I think it's really important
that you're making sure that you're
communicating all of these things.
(18:52):
So, when I was thinking about this
and how, you know, going back through
the decades that you and I have been
together, how we started really dividing
up and figuring out, I came up with five
steps that really can help you with the
division of labor in your relationship.
Whether it's a marriage or a roommate
situation or a significant other,
(19:12):
someone that you're living with.
It really does help to
do these five things.
So I want to go through those with you.
John, you and I have talked about this.
This is definitely
things that we have done.
The first step is setting the priorities.
Now, that seems like a strange
thing, although it doesn't.
Coming for me, come on.
We talk about priorities all the time
(19:33):
on here.
But the truth is, How many
people are doing chores that you
really don't give a shit about?
I mean, quite frankly, sometimes
we're doing things because that's
what we think we are supposed to do.
So for example, making
the bed in the morning.
We make the bed in the morning.
It makes us very happy when we walk
in the room and that feels good.
If you are a person who does not care if
(19:54):
the bed is made, why are you doing it?
If you genuinely don't care,
whether the bet is made.
Don't do it.
Take some of those things
off of your task list.
So really choosing what do we need to do?
What's essential?
What are the tasks that
we absolutely have to do?
There are always tasks that we
absolutely have to do that are essential.
(20:14):
What are the tasks that are important?
And this is a great conversation
to have with the person you're
living with or with your team.
what are the tasks that
are really important?
What are the ones that we're
doing that we can just stop?
What are the things that we don't
really care about that we're doing just
because we're supposed to be doing?
So it is first really
setting those priorities.
We need to do these things.
These things are important.
These things are essential.
(20:35):
These things, oh, let's stop doing those.
Let's just quit.
And that's okay.
Yeah, and I think it's important to
understand, too, the differences in your
priorities versus my priorities, right?
And that's the same in any relationship.
Like there's things that in the house
are important for you that aren't
important for me and vice versa, but
you need to have that communication.
(20:57):
Like I know for you, you like to walk
in the door and not see a bunch of
crap, either on the stairs from the
garage or in the laundry room, which
is the first room that you walk into.
Not that important to me, but because I
know it's important to you, I will stop
and make sure that I'm going to pick those
towels up off the floor in the laundry
room, because that's going to drive Tanya
crazy, even though it doesn't bother me.
(21:18):
So it's some of those little tiny things.
Understanding each other's
priorities makes a big difference.
Absolutely.
For me, the garage, I like
the garage to be very neat.
That to me is my welcome home.
This is the first thing I see
when I'm coming back home.
That's my greeting is the garage.
So that's a sticking point for me,
which I love that you pointed that out
because that gets me to the second step.
(21:39):
So the first step was
setting the priorities.
And then the second step
is setting the assignments.
Listen, if this is important
to you, then maybe you should
be the one in charge of it.
So for example, the garage, as I just
mentioned, That's important to me.
I feel like I pull the car in.
I don't want to see a bunch
of stuff in the garage.
I don't want to see a bunch of junk there.
I don't want to see the laundry room,
which is the room we essentially
(22:00):
see right when we walk in the door.
I don't want to see that looking messy.
So when we painted the
house, I painted the garage.
The garage is painted a color.
It makes me happy.
The garage is neat.
That's my domain that I
make sure is nice and neat.
That's my assignment.
And so, you know, Last week on Not Rocket
Science, that's my sub stack, my resource
(22:23):
hub of information, I had a four minute
video where I walk through a process
you can do with your employees to make
sure that they're doing things that they
really like and get them ignited and
fired up and excited about their jobs.
You can do that same process,
What I think is important is
it's not you assigning people.
It's having a meeting as a
(22:43):
team, whether it's you and your
significant other or you, your
significant other and your children.
Or whoever it is on that team at
home and having a conversation
about what is it you like to do?
What is it you want to do more of?
And as I said in that video that
I posted, there's always going
to be tasks you don't like.
We want to make sure that someone is
not overloaded with, they're always
(23:04):
doing the tasks that nobody likes.
Like nobody likes picking up the dog poop.
I mean, I'll be honest, I'm not sure who
in the world enjoy speaking of dog poop,
but so we make sure that that's rotated.
Right?
And we like speaking of the dog poop.
So, if you haven't seen that
video, definitely go check
that out on my Substack.
I'll put a link in the show notes.
(23:25):
But check that out because
here's the thing that happens.
A lot of times you feel like I'm doing
all this work and you're doing nothing,
but we don't say anything about it.
We don't say, Hey, I'm noticing
that I'm doing all these things.
I don't like them.
What can you help me with?
It's like, we're afraid to have that.
difficult conversation with
someone to say, I'm not happy
with how things are running.
(23:46):
I like to say that the first five
minutes of those conversations
are the most difficult.
Once you get past the first five
minutes, so much easier, right?
But you have the conversation and
talk about who's going to do what.
Take that list that you just talked
about when you set your priorities and
say, okay, who's in charge of this?
Who's in charge of that?
Who wants to do this?
Because there's going to
be some tasks people love.
(24:07):
I love cleaning windows.
It's kind of a random task,
but it makes me feel so happy.
I feel like when I clean the
windows, the house looks clean.
So I'm very happy to take on that chore.
So there's certain things that
might surprise you that people like.
A lot of people like mowing the grass.
I also enjoy mowing the grass.
I know you do as well.
It's very satisfying to me seeing those
(24:29):
lines of grass getting mowed down.
So talk about what do you like?
What do you not like?
And start figuring out
who's in charge of what.
Those conversations
about giving assignments.
It's not giving people orders, right?
You're having a conversation so
you can come to an agreement.
it's a team thing.
It's not a drill sergeant kind of
you're going to do this we can make
(24:49):
this a conversation and make it work
a lot better And for me vacuuming is
kind of like washing the windows like
I enjoy that It makes me feel good
to walk around the house barefoot and
not step on dog food or, flour that we
dropped on the floor in the kitchen.
I really like the clean floor.
So I do that because it's important to
me, but you can't, you don't know that
(25:10):
if you don't have the conversations
Yeah, absolutely.
And I like that you like to vacuum.
That makes me very happy.
Let's talk about step three.
So we've talked about the first two steps.
The third step is setting expectations.
And I'll be honest, this is probably
the step that most people miss.
They say, I want the floor to be cleaned.
I want your room to be clean.
(25:31):
Right?
And then there's no parameters.
There's no idea of what
success looks like.
And the truth is
How can we achieve success if we
don't know what success looks like?
Making sure from the front end,
you are setting the expectation
of this is what I define.
This is what I define as organized.
(25:51):
that's really important.
Back, you know, years ago, with the
kids, instead of saying, clean your
room, and then we'd come upstairs and
we'd be like, your room's not clean.
And they'd say, yeah, it is.
I came up with a room inspection
where it was like, here's a little
checklist of what my expectations are.
You're not gonna have things shoved
underneath your dresser, right?
The closet floor is cleaned.
It was just a short little
(26:12):
checklist so they understood, oh,
this is what mom's looking for.
Because the word clean means a lot of
things to a lot of people, and if you
have children, you know their definition
of clean is not the same as yours.
Right.
So I think that's really important
is making sure that you're
setting those expectations.
And this is exactly like
(26:32):
delegation, quite frankly.
And that's 1 of the big mistakes,
a lot of people make in delegation
is they delegate some something.
They delegate a task to someone and they
don't take the time to define success.
This is what the expectations are.
And then we're disappointed and we're
irritated and we end up taking it
back because they haven't done it the
way that we think it should be done.
(26:54):
But if you don't set those expectations on
the front end, they don't know what to do.
So essentially what we're doing
in step three is delegating.
So we talk a lot about delegation.
Delegation happens at home and actually
now that I think about it, I think that
the sub stack, the email I'm going to send
out today is going to be about delegation.
I have a whole delegation blueprint
(27:15):
that you can walk through that shows
you how you set the expectations,
what that meeting looks like.
So I will send that out today
and I'll put a link to that.
But if you'll go to Tanya
Dalton dot com slash connect.
You'll make sure that you get
that email and you'll make sure
that you get that delegation.
Even if you don't get it this
week, I'll, I'll send the link
as well in the following week.
(27:35):
So make sure you're signed
up for my sub stack.
I'm going to go ahead and send you that
delegation blueprint just because I
think it really does change the game.
We all have different expectations.
You know, I've seen, this meme out
there that says in every marriage,
there's a person who loads the
dishwasher like a Swedish architect.
And there's a person who loads the
(27:55):
dishwasher like a raccoon on meth.
And I think that's true.
I think that's true.
And you know what?
I know who that person is in my marriage.
That person in my marriage who loads the
dishwasher like a raccoon on meth is me.
I, I don't have the patience.
for loading the dishwasher in
the way that John wants it.
So now we know I take the dishes after
(28:18):
they're clean, if I'm cleaning up
the dishes, I stack them right where
the dishwasher is, and he loads them.
Or he's trained the kids how to load them.
Quite frankly, I have purposely not
trained myself how to load it because I
can, I can excuse myself from that task.
But.
I am the raccoon on meth
loading the dishwasher.
John is the Swedish architect and
other and other areas of our world.
(28:39):
The junk drawer.
I'm the Swedish architect.
You are the raccoon on meth.
But that that's why too, when we're having
that conversation about the assignments,
it's really important to understand
who is going to be better at this job.
And then.
This third step, which is
setting the expectations, right?
Because what happens is John
has a very specific way.
(29:00):
He wants the dishwasher loaded.
All right, whatever.
I don't care.
As long as the dishes get clean.
But what happens is if you have
something very specific that you
want to do, then you end up, you
know, I'm just unloading the whole
dishwasher and I'm reloading it myself.
So what happens is eventually
that person's like, all
right, I'm not going to do it.
Right?
And then we get frustrated because
we're like, they never do this job.
(29:20):
Well, if you have a very specific
way of doing it, you have to set
that expectation and let them know.
So John has told me how he
likes the dishwasher to be
loaded and we have an agreement.
I'll, I will clean the dishes,
I'll stack them right above it
and he loads it and that works.
That might not work for
you, but that works for us.
Those are the expectations.
it's all about the conversation, And if
(29:41):
you're thinking about this from a work
standpoint, it's, it's training, right?
so for example, if you want your
son to mow the yard, And you
say, you need to mow the yard.
Well, you don't know what
that means to him, right?
But if, if that means to you that you
mow the yard, you edge with the weed
eater, and then you use the blower to
clean off the patio, the driveway and the
back deck, well, you need to tell them
(30:02):
that's what you mean by mow the yard.
And if you don't, you can't get
frustrated if they do it wrong because
you never taught them how to do it
to what your expectation levels are.
So if they're not doing it the way you
want that's your fault because you haven't
told them what those expectations are.
So don't get frustrated with
them if they're not meeting your
expectations, if you never told
(30:23):
them what your expectations were.
that's a huge part of it is
setting those expectations.
It's so important to understand
the assignment and the expectation.
We do that at work.
We do that at home.
I like to say that your
home is a business.
It's a nonprofit.
The product you're creating are
well adjusted children or morals
and values for you and your family.
(30:46):
All of that is important,
whether you have kids or not.
Your home is run a lot, a lot
of times in very similar ways to
what you're doing at the office.
This is just delegation.
and again, I will talk about delegation
on the sub stack on not rocket science,
because I think it is so important
that we understand how to do this.
All right, let's move to step
number four, because step
(31:07):
number four is meet regularly.
So it is having this communication, you
know, as I mentioned earlier with the dog
poop example, I like that I said dog poop
now multiple times on the podcast, but
nobody wants that job on a regular basis.
Nobody wants that job.
So we make sure that we meet regularly
(31:27):
so that we can rotate some of those Not
so fun jobs, those dirty jobs or those
ones that nobody really wants to do.
So we do a family meeting.
We always call it a team planning
and I actually have a YouTube video.
So i'll i'll include that as well when i'm
sending out emails and all those things.
We have a video where we walk through
how we do our team planning on Sundays
(31:49):
and that's part of that meeting.
Hey, what's going on?
All right, Jack, you've been in
charge of, you know, this chore that
nobody wants to do for, for 3 weeks.
All right, it's K's turn to take the
chore for the next 3 weeks or for the next
month or however you want to rotate it.
That allows everyone to feel like,
okay, at least I'm only doing
it for a short amount of time.
Right?
(32:09):
And that's very similar actually
to how you and I split up feeding
babies when we had babies.
When we had infants, right, we would do
at night, we would bottle feed at night,
we'd go three days on, three days off.
So I would be on for three days.
And then I would, and then John would
be on for three days and then I would
be on for three days and then John would
(32:29):
be on for three days and that really
worked because you never got to a point
where you were so exhausted and angry
and cranky and all of those things where
you're snapping at each other because that
first night that you're off, it's kind
of like how oil rig workers do it, where
they do these six weeks on and then six
weeks off you go, you get in that mode
and you're like, all right, I'm going
(32:50):
to get up for the next three nights.
That's doable, right?
Totally doable to get up
for the next three nights.
Well, after you've done your three nights,
your three day tour or three night tour,
those first three days where you're
off, you're like the first day you're
not sleeping great, but you're okay.
Second night, get a
little bit better sleep.
Third night you sleep solid.
And then you're back up and running
(33:10):
for being back on for baby feeding.
And that worked well for us.
So it's really important.
You want to have this, this almost
like a pattern or a rhythm where
it's like, okay, I can do this.
This is short term.
It's not forever.
Some chores are really either dirty
or they're just chores nobody likes
or they're chores that are really big.
So making sure that you're rotating that.
(33:32):
The other thing that's great
about meeting regularly is that it
allows us to support each other.
That's one of the things in our team
meetings that we have on Sundays is,
hey, what's everybody have going on?
So let's say that Kay has a lot
going on for, she has her ACT.
Okay.
That she's preparing for this week.
She's taking your ACT this week.
Okay, Kay's got her ACT.
(33:52):
What do you need us to
take off your plate?
Because we're here to support you.
So we're doing more of her chores
while she's preparing for the ACT.
And then the following week, maybe
Jack has something and we're all kind
of shoring up and working together
so that no one's feeling overwhelmed.
And there are times where I'm the one
who has too much on my plate going on.
Like, as I was preparing for launching
the sub stack, it was like, okay,
(34:13):
I can't do all the other things.
So the kids came in and did more
of the chores and you came in and
took care of some of my chores.
We work together and that
creates that team mentality.
I think that's why.
We do have such a close knit family
is we have this regular communication,
this regular opportunity to, to
connect and talk about what's going on.
and I think also it gives you the
opportunity when you have those
(34:34):
meetings to make adjustments, right?
like you mentioned, Tanya, with
you're having a heavy week.
We can pick up some of the slack.
That's part of the adjustment.
Sometimes it's like, maybe the
expectations we set weren't realistic.
To begin with, and we need to change
them, you know, with the yard,
maybe we can't edge it anymore
because the weed eaters broken.
So we need to adjust those, but
(34:54):
it allows you with those regular
conversations to make sure that
we can make those adjustments.
Everybody's concerns or
whatever being heard.
and everyone feels supported and
like they're a part of the team.
So it's, it's extremely important to
make sure that you're meeting regularly.
Well, essentially what you just did
was said step number five, which
is reassess, make adjustments,
(35:17):
which do they happen together.
So it is this idea of,
hey, what's working.
I like what you said there.
Like maybe the weed eater's not working.
What can we let go of?
What do we have to get fixed?
Are these things really important?
Sometimes we take on a task and
then we go, we're going with it.
And then also we're like,
why are we doing this again?
This really isn't that important to me.
So having the opportunity to reassess,
(35:39):
and it also gives you a chance to check
in with each other because what we don't
want is anyone keeping a scorecard.
Hey, I'm doing all these things
and you're doing nothing.
Or I feel like I'm doing all this
work and you're just sitting there.
But we can let go of that.
Feeling like we need to blame letting
go of the blame game and letting
go of the scorecard when we're
stopping and regularly reassessing.
(36:00):
I actually have that on the calendar
where it's like, let's reassess
our chores like twice a year.
We just do a quick check in.
How are we feeling about this?
What do we need to do?
You and I are gearing up
to do our summer task list.
We were just talking
about that this morning.
Like, what do we want to accomplish
the summer while the weather is nice?
What are the outdoor
things we want to tackle?
And what are the projects
we're going to enjoy?
So those are the five steps.
(36:22):
So just to review them with
you again, it's first of all
Setting Your Priorities
what are the things that are important?
What do you need to let go of?
What's essential?
Setting the assignment.
Who wants these different jobs?
What do you like?
What do you not like?
Use that activity that I shared, you know,
on the sub stack, on Not Rocket Science.
Use that activity to write
out the chores and pop them in
those four different categories.
(36:43):
Then we have our third step, setting
expectations, making sure everyone
knows what success looks like.
Fourth step, meeting regularly.
And fifth step, reassess and
make adjustments as needed.
When we do that, do you see how
the communication is just built in?
It's baked into the entire process because
you're continually talking about it.
And talking about it, that's
(37:04):
the first step of anything.
Building bridges happens
when we're talking and we're
going a little bit deeper.
Instead of being angry, it's taking
a step back, taking a deep breath and
saying, okay, what do we want to do?
And it is also, let's be honest, letting
go of other people's expectations.
The schools, teachers, a lot
of people expect mom to be in
(37:25):
charge of everything, right?
A lot of times, even though John would
drop off the kids at school, they would
still email me asking me questions.
And I would, and I would very gently say,
well, John can talk to you about that when
he's picking up this afternoon, right?
That John's in charge of this.
There's that whole mentality.
I'm really happy because I see it changing
on TV, but of the dumb dad who doesn't do
(37:48):
anything that drives me crazy because when
we treat dads that way, of course they're
just like playing into the persona.
Like I guess I'm not
supposed to do these things.
So if we really want to change
the way that we https (38:01):
otter.
ai
if I would encourage anything, I would
say Don't look at TV and social media
and those kinds of things to figure
out, you know What should our roles in
our relationship be just talk to each
(38:23):
other figure out what works for you?
That's what's most important and you know
if you see resentment coming in, you
know to yourself or if your partners has
a scorecard like when we were talking
about step number four, that's a huge
red flag If someone is keeping score or
somebody's harboring some resentment,
have more conversations it's never too
(38:44):
late to try to fix, whatever is happening.
It really is shifting a lot of
those perceptions and choosing
to do the things that feel good.
And that's why that first step
is really setting your priorities
and having the conversations.
It is sometimes hard.
Especially if you are feeling some
resentment to take a deep breath set
aside your anger and then go and
say, okay, we're going to stop.
(39:05):
And we're going to take
a look at all of this.
We're going to lay it all out.
So, I really want to encourage you, if
you are feeling frustrated or irritated.
This is a great place to start.
So I want to encourage you to make
sure that you look at that delegation
blueprint that I'll be sharing.
You can go to tanyadalton.
com slash connect to check out my
not rocket science resource hub is
filled with lots of extras from the
(39:27):
podcast to help you dive even deeper.
And this week we'll have that
delegation blueprint that'll help you
not just at work, but also at home.
And to be honest with you, one of the
things you could do right now is you
could send this podcast episode to
that person who you're maybe feeling
a little bit of frustration with.
Or if you know someone who is struggling
with this, take a screenshot of the
(39:48):
podcast, send them a text message and say,
Hey, you got to listen to this episode.
All right.
As we wrap up today's show.
What I want you to remember
is relationships really
are the key to happiness.
And if you're having frustration in
your relationship, because there's
not a lot of communication, or you're
feeling a lot of resentment, because
maybe the job sharing doesn't feel like
it's even and equal, I want to encourage
(40:10):
you to start having the conversations.
Yes, the first five minutes are
the most difficult part, but I can
promise you it's absolutely worth it.
And truly, that's how you get
the Intentional Advantage.
Ready to take action on what we
talked about on today's episode?
The easiest way to get started is
my 5 Minute Miracle Mini Course.
(40:31):
It's normally 97, but you get it for
free when you join my free sub stack.
It'll boost your productivity and
it will double your happiness.
Plus, you'll get access to all
kinds of extras from the podcast.
Just go to tanyadalton.
com slash connect.
And don't forget to follow The
Intentional Advantage on your podcast
(40:52):
player so you never miss an episode.
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