LTL 139: A Controversy Regarding Forgiveness

Isn’t it awesome when you run into validation for a perspective unexpectedly, especially when it’s from an authority that you respect? As you know, I’m a proponent of not allowing others to control my future due to unforgiveness. Episodes 136 and 137 were dedicated to the issue of resentment and the problems it causes us as leaders when we don’t resolve it. It can sometimes lead to a controversy regarding forgiveness.

So I came across a post from someone who I admire greatly in the LinkedIn community. I always read his comments because he strikes me as well-balanced, genuine, with a high degree of integrity. His name is Mark A. Smith and he’s a speaker, writer, editor, and Sr VP of Sales at Frontpoint. He was commenting on a question that had been posted to Liz Ryan who is the Founder and CEO of Human Workplace, also an author.

So here’s the question posted to Liz:

Q. My ex-boss from two jobs ago sent me a connection invitation on LinkedIn, with a long note gushing about what a great coworker I was. Spare me. He was horrible to me. I quit without having another job. I guess he is job hunting. That’s the only reason he would reach out to me.

What should I do? I’m not going to connect to him. He did not apologize for or even acknowledge the brutal way he treated me.

Before I give you Liz’s response, I want you to put yourself in this person’s shoes. A horrible manager that drove you to quit your job seems to be “making nice” and wants to connect – no apology for the past. What would you do?

It’s easy to be overly simplistic because it didn’t happen to us. Maybe think about something painful that did happen to you. What if it was that person? Could you operate in forgiveness with them?

Frankly, Liz’s response surprised me. Here’s her answer:

A. Ghost him. You are not responsible for checking your LinkedIn inbox on anybody else’s timetable, or at all. Many if not most evil bosses have amnesia when they run into you years later. They remember what a great coworker you were, but forget what a snarling beast they were.

So Mark typically calls a spade a spade and doesn’t hide his feelings. Here’s what he said in comment to Liz’s post:

This is atrocious advice. The strong act. The weak are acted upon. Forgiveness is the supreme act. Forgiving freely shows tremendous mental and emotional fortitude and takes away any power that negativity once had over you. Forgiveness is merciful to the offender and redeeming to the offended. He may not have known how brutal he was. If you are a powerful person, you won’t be afraid to tell him. Doing so maybe his chance to change, and that kind of change can have far-reaching implications in the lives of anyone he impacts. If he’s still a jerk, well, you tried. Your hands will be clean.

Years ago in the mortgage industry I had a truly terrible regional boss (my direct boss was terrific). He was condescending, added stress to my life, and never helped me once. A few years later, after the crash, he reached out to me. He told me he had some forced clarity and could see what a schmuck he was to me, and others – he wanted to apologize. He was sincere and it was plain to see he really was trying to change. I forgave him and now think fondly of him. If I would’ve ghosted him, I would’ve missed that redeeming experience. Forgive. Early and often.

This isn’t popular. Especially with people who feel victimized. As one comment stated:

I’m appalled at the number of people suggesting forgiveness and acceptance of an abuser. I’m deeply struggling to understand what having this high percen