Episode 1, Season II | Sex & Intimacy Series: "Attachment in the Sheets" - The Love Doc Podcast

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:11):
Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I am your co
host Raina Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hensley.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
Hey stranger, I know I miss you. I miss you
too so much.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
We don't ever get friend time. We were talking about that.
We didn't even get to ride together today. I know
because I had to come set up the set. Look
at our sets.

Speaker 2 (00:29):
Our studio is so beautiful, our set is amazing. I
am so impressed with us.

Speaker 1 (00:34):
Honestly me too. We're officially official and it feels really good.
It feels I'm really proud of us. I know I
say it a lot, but I'm gonna say this too.
We couldn't do it without you guys. Yes, we could
not do it without you guys.

Speaker 2 (00:46):
We are so thankful for our loyal listeners.

Speaker 1 (00:48):
Yes, but it feels good to like have our logo
and it's really girlly and cozy.

Speaker 2 (00:55):
So pretty and like elegant and feels fresh. Need to
check it out on YouTube?

Speaker 1 (01:00):
Yeah? Yeah, better yet, you want to check it out
our patreons account because now we have one. Yes, yes,
and it's patreons dot com slash the Love Dog Podcasts.
So go check that out because now I'm not going
to be posting the full video episodes on YouTube, you
have to be a Patreon subscriber in order to get
the full visual.

Speaker 2 (01:19):
Sorry, guys, we're moving up in the world. What can
I say?

Speaker 1 (01:22):
Yeah, I mean it is what it is. But we
hope that with season two we're going to have just
so many awesome things to offer you guys.

Speaker 2 (01:31):
And that's amazing guests lined up we do.

Speaker 1 (01:34):
Yeah, I'm really excited. But for this one, we want
to start with just us. Yes, and we're going to
do series. This series is our sex and Intimacy series.
So season two, episode one for Sex and Intimacy, we're
going to talk about how each attachment style deals with
sex and intimacy. Yes, So where do you want to start?

Speaker 2 (01:54):
Which one? Well, let's start with the Anxious Preoccupied and
work our way back. Okay, So, if you watch the
episode on the Anxious Preoccupied or listen to the episode,
we kind of went through the fact that these folks
are very boundaryless people and very codependent people, and they're
very hyper focused on what does my partner need from me?

(02:18):
How can I be more or better or enough of
what my partner wants? Because they deeply fear abandonment, and
so in terms of sex, usually that means that they
are open to whatever because they are so concerned with
making sure that their partner is happy so that they
don't end up abandoned. And I have met some anxious,

(02:40):
preoccupied folks and they've talked to me about how, you know,
I often don't want to have sex with my partner,
but I do it because I know that it's what
makes them happy, and you know, I don't want to
be cheated on, et cetera, et cetera. And I mean,
I remember going through that in my first marriage too,
and I think think that can absolutely be something that

(03:02):
the fearful avoidant who's very anxious also experiences.

Speaker 1 (03:06):
I feel like there's some crossover with it.

Speaker 2 (03:08):
There is, there is, and there's crossover with the DA too, right,
because fas have some wound of the anxious and some
wound of wounds of the avoidant. But they are usually
kind of, like I said, just down for whatever, and
they usually allow their partner to take the lead and
really focus on making sure that their partner is satisfied,

(03:28):
but at their own detriment of their own satisfaction.

Speaker 1 (03:32):
I think it can be really dangerous because I think
what it could potentially lead to is the more anxious
partner may be agreeing to some taboo things that they
don't really want to do. And I know I experienced
this in my relationship, and then it leads to the
whole vicious cycle of shame, internalized shame, and not feeling

(03:56):
emotionally safe sexually with your partner. And so I think
for the more anxious of the attachment styles, it can
just be so detrimental to the relationship, of course, but
also to the relationship to self.

Speaker 2 (04:10):
Absolutely absolutely, it does cause a ton of internalized shame
when you cross your own sexual boundaries, and so I
think it's important for our listeners to understand that you
have to have your own personal physical boundaries and there
should be no shame attached to those things. If someone
wants to push those, that's fundamental incompatibility, right, because I mean,

(04:35):
and then people want to come back with the whole
like biblical you know, be submissive to your husband type
of thing, and I think that that gets taken so
much out of context. Yes, it says we are to
submit our bodies to our spouses, but that is dependent
upon the safe covenant of marriage. That's assuming that everyone
is inside the covenant, that they are abiding by the covenant,

(04:58):
which means you are loving your partner in the way
that they need to be loved, You are creating emotional safety,
you are meeting their needs regularly, and both partners are
doing that. That scripture is predicated on the covenant functioning
as it's supposed to function. And so if someone's outside
of the covenant, maybe they're abusive or actually neglectful, or

(05:21):
they've been unfaithful or whatever, you you should know that
you don't have to then open up your body and
be vulnerable in that way with them and be submissive
because they haven't created the safety of that covenant relationship.

Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yeah, and I think that's where a lot of people
get it wrong. I know that's where I got it wrong.
And I think I got it wrong just leading up to,
you know, the relationship with my ex in general, where
I never really and I think this is a this
is going to be profound for our listeners in terms
of the advice you can give. You know, what's the secret,
what's the what are the like tips and tricks to

(05:58):
really be able before you go into a relationship like marriage,
to learn how to find like sexual emotional safety within
yourself so that you don't make those mistakes, so that
you don't just give it all away.

Speaker 2 (06:13):
Yeah, I think, especially for females, there has been some
societal conditioning around like that are our sexuality is this
like trump card that we can play? And so if
you are not able to get the attention or affection
from the male partner that you are interested in, then

(06:34):
pull out the trump card, right, because that's going to
give you some connection. Because you know, statistically men are
more likely to have more sexual partners and to be
open more sexually to having sex outside of close relationships,
et cetera. But that's a dangerous game to play. You
have to be able to really know what you feel

(06:57):
comfortable doing if there is an uncertain outcome, like if
you're not married to the person. Right. So, you know,
when I was dating my husband, I pretty much told
him we're not doing anything sexual, anything sexual until we
are an official couple, because I just I just did

(07:17):
a lot of healing work. I went through the hardest
time of my life, and I'm just not willing to
test out how resilient I am in that area, right,
I'm willing to go, I'm not willing to go backwards.
And you know, in my walk with God, I even
told him I wanted to wait until marriage and he
was okay with that, and it was something that felt
really beautiful because here's the thing. It's like, and I'm

(07:41):
not trying to dog on the men here, but a
lot of men and there's actual science behind this which
is really incredible. That rapport that they don't know in
the beginning of a dating relationship if they actually like
the girl that they're dating, or if they just want
to sleep with her, like they can't differentiate it interesting, yeah,
because they have their hormones levels in the beginning of

(08:02):
dating relationships are very high, specifically vasappressin, which is a
hormone that is the protector hormone. It makes a man
sort of want to claim a woman, right, and so
they have that like churning, right, and so they have
this like, oh, she's mine, like caveman type reaction going
on in their body. But then all of a sudden,

(08:22):
when they have sex, vasapressin declines and then they get
this like clarity of like, oh, maybe I don't really
feel that way about her, right, And then we have
someone LED's the female whose oxytocin, which is the female
bonding hormone, rises during sexual intimacy. So we have a

(08:43):
real mismatch there, right for men, you know, their vacapressant
is decreasing while a woman's oxytocin is increasing. So there
was actually, in the research a really strong moderating factor
in this relationship between vasa pressing and sexual intimacy, and
that was is there a previously established emotional connection present?

(09:08):
And I think that that actually prevented vasapressin from really declining.
So if the emotional connection was established first, vasapressin didn't plummet.
We just need to listen to this, yes, right, And
so I find that to be really interesting, very interesting
because that just I mean, it really aligns with like weight.

Speaker 1 (09:30):
Weight, Yeah, wait, hold out, hold.

Speaker 2 (09:32):
Out girls, yeah, and yeah guys to hold out. Respect
yourselves too. I'm not saying there's not women out there
that are just out, you know.

Speaker 1 (09:42):
Yeah, absolutely, there definitely are, I definitely believe, right.

Speaker 2 (09:45):
And I think more women tend to be anxious preoccupied,
or I should say more anxious preoccupied folks tend to
be women. So I think there's a correlation there as
well that that attachment style is particularly at risk for
crossing their own sexual boundaries, for having sex too early
than they're comfortable with.

Speaker 1 (10:05):
Putting a high emphasis on sex too. I think, yes,
you know, I can think about my friends that are aps,
and you know, they put a lot of emphasis on
sex because I think they feel like that's what's really
important to their partner.

Speaker 2 (10:24):
Right, It's all about how can I be what they
want me to be?

Speaker 1 (10:28):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (10:28):
And what about you, girl?

Speaker 1 (10:31):
Right? What about you?

Speaker 2 (10:33):
What about you? What feels good to you? What feels
comfortable to you? And then there's also some data that
suggests that this attachment style is less likely to speak
up about their sexual ones and needs in terms of
inside of the sexual relationship, what makes them feel good? Right,
they're more concerned again about I don't want to hurt

(10:53):
my partner's feelings or be honest with them if you know,
it doesn't feel good to me. They just kind of
let whatever happen happen, and.

Speaker 1 (11:00):
They don't even know, they don't even realize it, Like
they don't even realize they're not even meeting their own needs. Yeah,
because they're so consumed with you know, they just think
that they're chameleons.

Speaker 2 (11:10):
You know, they are very much chameleons. You know, I
will step into a relationship as an anxious preoccupied and
I very much all of my attention is on, Okay,
what how can I twist myself into the right shape
of pretzel for this person?

Speaker 1 (11:22):
Yeah? You like this?

Speaker 2 (11:23):
Oh?

Speaker 1 (11:23):
I like that too? Yeah, yeah, even if you've never
done it before, right, No, I like that too. Yeah.
And I mean I have witnessed this specifically with some
friends that are in that dynamic. So what about the Well,
we've kind of covered the fearful avoidant because.

Speaker 2 (11:40):
I yeah, so they have very Again, they have very
high trait variability. So we have fear full avoidance that
lean more anxious. We have ones that lean more avoidant. However,
they tend to act in opposition to their partner, so
and they can flip flop, right, depending upon what's going
on in their relationship. I would say more anxious fas

(12:02):
if they feel like their needs are being met and
they feel like there's a degree of emotional safety, they
are very They're much more comfortable in their own skin
sexually because they have a lot of how do I
want to say this, they're very in touch with their
own internal emotions and they understand their own complexity, right,

(12:24):
and so they can kind of be more honest about
what do I want, what feels good to me. They're
more likely to be able to hold up a sexual
boundary or to just say no, I don't prefer that,
or I want this, or I want that.

Speaker 1 (12:36):
And I feel like I've been able to experience that
now that I have i'm in a secure relationship. Yes, absolutely,
I've been able to speak up and really talk about
what feels good to.

Speaker 2 (12:45):
Me, right, Yes, absolutely, And that's really important.

Speaker 1 (12:49):
Now.

Speaker 2 (12:49):
When a fearful avoidant jumps into their avoidant side, they're
very deactivated. They are then kind of cut off and
suppressed from their own emotional experience. They're often very unwilling
to participate in a sexual relationship because if they have
gone into that deactivation, it's because they have felt emotionally unsafe.

(13:09):
It's because they have felt that betrayal wound really kick
up and things usually are not going well in the
relationship usually.

Speaker 1 (13:18):
Yeah, and I can even relate to this because I
remember just becoming completely like just not physically attracted to
Paul anymore. Yeah, just was not like I would look
at him and it was like discussed yeah, like total ick.

Speaker 2 (13:33):
Yeah, because when someone treats you so poorly your body,
this is especially true for women, your body stops responding sexually.
You can't you know, you can't be physically vulnerable. I mean,
having sex is like the most physically vulnerable thing you
can do, right, and there are a lot of big

(13:54):
things that can come out of that. And so you
want to be able to choose partners that are safe
emotionally so that you can open up your body in
that way. And I'll never forget. Like that was my
first mega, mega viral moment on social media when I
made that first, very first video of why women won't

(14:15):
have sex with their husbands, and I'm you know, I
made an earlier version of that video that went pretty viral,
but the second version I made a year or two later,
got like thirty million reposts on Twitter. It was crazy.

Speaker 1 (14:25):
I was just talking about that video yesterday with my
ma Souse because she was mentioning like it was just ironic.
I said your name. She was like, oh my gosh,
I just listened to our podcast on Bunny's podcast, and
I'm like yeah, and so we were just talking, and
I was talking about the video that went viral, and
I was like, some men got mad.

Speaker 2 (14:43):
They got mad because what they wanted to hear was
but I do the dishes, but I I buy her everything,
but I do this, but I do that. I'm like, yeah,
but what's the emotional climate?

Speaker 1 (14:53):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (14:54):
Are you meeting her attachment needs?

Speaker 1 (14:56):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (14:57):
And they're like, well, if I have to solve this puzzle,
like I don't want to have to put in that work, Okay,
then don't let me help you. Yeah, or you can
just listen and let an expert tell you how to
fix this situation, because for the most part, these things
can be repaired absolutely. If attachment needs start getting met
and people start feeling safer, their attraction comes back. It

(15:20):
can come back.

Speaker 1 (15:21):
You've seen I've seen it.

Speaker 2 (15:23):
So many times, and so it's like, why wouldn't you
want to try? You shouldn't be in that mindset of like, well,
why do I have to be the change? Why can't
they just give me what I need? And it's you know,
there's that whole like vicious cycle where it's like, well,
I can't be emotionally available to you if you're not
having sex with me. But you won't have sex with

(15:45):
me because I'm not emotionally available to you. Yeah, sorry, dude,
But you have to be the one to change first,
because you can't expect a woman to violate her sexual
boundaries not feeling safe. You know, emotional safety has to
come first. So I hate to say it, but if
that's the situation, you need to provide more safety emotionally.
You can't expect them to just like cringe through having

(16:08):
sex and feeling their bodily autonomy being totally violated. It
feels like rape. That's what they report. That's what my
clients report to me when they actually do cross their
own boundaries in that way.

Speaker 1 (16:20):
Absolutely, I can I can attest to that as well.

Speaker 2 (16:22):
Yeah, and so like that's psychologically damaging, and so I
just I don't understand that mentality of no, she needs
to give it first. And again, can this can be
in reverse. I have seen women come and say my
husband won't touch me. I've had plenty of clients that
say that. And so it's not just women that are

(16:43):
shutting down sexually. Men can shut down sexually as well,
and particularly fearful avoid or not fearful avoidant, but dismissive avoidant.
Men often shut down sexually over time.

Speaker 1 (16:53):
Absolutely, I've heard that too.

Speaker 2 (16:55):
And the reason that is is because they kind of
feel like it's sex becomes another expectation, and they're very
triggered by having expectations placed upon them, and they're very
much focused on keeping their own autonomy and their own independence,
and they don't want to feel co worced or forced
or pressured. And so if they have a partner that

(17:17):
they feel like is sort of starts to pressure them sexually,
oftentimes they'll shut down and they'll go cold sexually.

Speaker 1 (17:24):
I mean, it doesn't that's just I think that just
shows that, you know, the male can have very similar
experiences in terms of not feeling emotionally safe.

Speaker 2 (17:34):
Want to yeah, but they're the least able to describe
why they feel emotionally unsafe, Like if their partner's like, well,
what's the deal, they can't really put words to it.
They're like, I don't know, I just I don't need
it as much as you do, or you know, they
they will almost blame shift back to their partner like well,
you just want it too much, or you just you know,
you know, we're getting older and we don't you know,

(17:56):
that's just not how it is anymore. But actually, actually
the research shows that, and of course correlation doesn't equal causation,
but the happiest couples, even up into their seventies and
early eighties, are having sex two to three times a week. Dang, Grandpa,

(18:20):
get you some, Yeah, Granny. And my husband and I
joke about that too, that we're gonna pre book our
retirement home experience somehow. We're gonna try to find a
way to prepay for like a nice Florida retirement home
and just put us in the same room, and we're
gonna be doing it like rabbits.

Speaker 1 (18:38):
Make sure you have privacy. Yeah, you know, I hope
I experienced that too, you know, And I think that
that's really the way that it should be. As you
grow older and you grow closer and you grow more intimate,
sex should become more often and more enjoyable, I.

Speaker 2 (18:54):
Think, because yeah, I mean, of course, we face physical limitations.
Both men and women face physical limitations. Women struggle with,
you know, thinner vaginal skin and vaginal dryness as a
result of dropping estrogen, and that can make sexually painful,
and also during perimenopause and menopause, women's sexual desire tends

(19:19):
to drop some. But again, there's lots of natural remedies
for that. There's prescription and medical remedies for that. If
you seek knowledgeable providers and you kind of keep working
at it, those things usually can be turned around. And
so the physical limitations of aging shouldn't hold us back.
We should be able to use what's available to us

(19:39):
to you know, assist with those issues. Of course, men
are more likely to face things like edy with higher
blood pressure and taking blood pressure medication that can have
edy as a side effect, or you know, just growing older.

Speaker 1 (19:56):
I think there's so much more though with you know,
sex and to missy then obviously just the physical aspect
of it. So you know, even for people I think
maybe experiencing some of those physical ailments, I'm not, by
no means a sex expert, but you know, there's just
so many other ways that you can physically connect. Yeah,
without the actual penetration.

Speaker 2 (20:19):
Yeah. I've had several couples that just do naked time together,
like naked cuttle time together.

Speaker 1 (20:26):
God, hold on, I have to tell a side story
because this makes me think of something that just makes
me laugh. Because you have to know, my dad which Sarah,
Oh god, I have to know my dad who has
absolutely zero filters, but he rick. Yeah. We were talking
one day. It was him and his wife Suzanne, and
Josh and me and they were at the house, you know,

(20:49):
just having a lovely conversation, and my dad randomly chimes
in and was like, yeah, so we've been doing something new.
He's like, we've been doing naked Sundays. And I was like,
oh my gosh, Eddie, it's that's t M I. You know, like,
you know, no matter how old you get, you're like
t M I, t M I. He's like, no, it's
been real great, real invigorating. And I was like, well,

(21:10):
just remind me not to stop by on says. And
so it was really funny because Josh, after you left,
after my dad left, Orsh was like, yeah, those naked Sundays,
that sounds like a pretty good deal, Like can we
can we maybe do that? And I was like, absolutely not,
because my dad has ruined it for me. So no,
naked Sundays are never going to happen because I cannot.

(21:33):
Like so when you said naked time, I'm sorry, I
just naugh naked Sundays. And I was just reminded of
my dad's you know.

Speaker 2 (21:40):
Oh gosh, get it out of your head, back of the.

Speaker 1 (21:43):
Elser at all. So but anyway, yeah, naked Sundays, naked time.
I mean that's beautiful.

Speaker 2 (21:48):
Yes, And just the art of kissing yea is lost too.

Speaker 1 (21:53):
I feel like it is.

Speaker 2 (21:54):
You know, I'm big on that. I'm a big I
want to make out me too, you know, and like
let me, let me warm up a little bit.

Speaker 1 (22:04):
Skinned to skin is such a beautiful thing. Yes, And
there's crave Josh's skin on my skin.

Speaker 2 (22:09):
Well, there's a lot of hormonal reactions that happen when
we have skinned skin contact. I mean, that's why newborns
are supposed to have skin to skin contact with their mothers,
because we do have more oxytocin dumps when we have
skin to skin contact, and we have you know, physical coregulation.
And I know I've mentioned this before on a previous episode,

(22:29):
but gosh, we've done so many now it's hard to remember,
so sorry if I repeat myself. But when we have
prolonged contact like hugs and you know, skin to skin contact,
our body can start to coregulate with our partners, so
our heart beats can kind of start to sync up,

(22:51):
our blood pressure starts to regulate more. You know, we
feel a real deep relaxation of the nervous system. A
hug is like a way blanket. I mean, that's why
we have weighted blankets, because we first studied the effects
of prolonged hugging, and we know that it increases serotonin,
it increases gabba, which is the breaks of your nervous system,

(23:15):
and so you know, we get this real calming effect. However,
there are folks that like the dismissive avoidance who might
struggle more with that because and this is really sad,
but I read a study where it is so sad,
But I read a study where dismissive avoidance have decreased

(23:35):
oxytocin receptors because they were not given as much physical
affection as children. And so whatever. The brain is always
trying to seek homeostasis, okay, And so it's like when
you are supposed to be getting this physical affection as
a kid, you have all these oxytocin receptors which catch
and you use the oxytocin, right, and then when you

(23:58):
aren't pumping out as much oxtin because you're not getting
physical affection, your brain just reduces the number of receptors
and so then if you start trying to get it
as adults, you don't get the benefit of it. And
it almost feels bad to you because you don't have
the receptors that are actually using oxytocin that is being
pumped out.

Speaker 1 (24:19):
That's not say, it's sad and it's just crazy. How
the humans your.

Speaker 2 (24:22):
Kids, ma'am, Hug your kids, kiss your kids, hug your kids.

Speaker 1 (24:26):
Go sleep with your kids. Anybody tell you that bad?

Speaker 2 (24:31):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (24:31):
I did too, Yeah, and I don't have any regrets there.

Speaker 2 (24:33):
No, absolutely not. So, yes, we are actually meant to
go sleep with our kids. We are one of the
only societies, the one of the only societies that do
not sleep.

Speaker 1 (24:46):
Now, it might affect your sex, sex and intimacy with
your host.

Speaker 2 (24:50):
And you'll have to get more creative.

Speaker 1 (24:53):
There's a double edged sword there, all right.

Speaker 2 (24:55):
But I think there's been this whole medical scare of
you can't put your babies in the bed with you,
And yes, of course there might be some risks, but
there are safe yeah ways to co sleep. I mean
they have the side little beds now and I think
it even a bassinet next to your bed and then
when they're when they're past that stage, stick them right
in there with you.

Speaker 1 (25:15):
And you know, it's just whatever works for you. You know,
if it works for you and it works for your family,
and it makes sense for you and it makes sense
for your family, then that's the right answer. Like, don't
let society, society or anybody else tell you that it's wrong,
because I do think that it could probably affect sex
and intimacy with you know, your partnership, your partner when

(25:36):
you do have you know, children climbing in your bed.
But like you said, you just kind of got to
get creative.

Speaker 2 (25:42):
Yeah, so give them a bed and then they'll never
use it and then sneak into their room while they're
asleep in your bed and have sex in their way
because they're not sleeping in that bed anyway.

Speaker 1 (25:52):
Yeah, that's what you gotta do. You gotta get creative
or I don't know, take a drive, I don't get
a babysit or whatever, you know, and.

Speaker 2 (25:58):
Way ever it takes, there are ways.

Speaker 1 (26:00):
There are ways, because I know that you know, I
mean that kind of brings up another subject because I
think that you know, couples, younger couples who are, you know,
new parents, and maybe they had this really exciting relationship
beforehand sexually, and then all of a sudden there's this
child or children, and sex kind of plummets. Yeah, and

(26:22):
that's a that's a hard that's hard too.

Speaker 2 (26:24):
Yes, I mean, postpartum is extremely difficult, and obviously being
a new mother can be extremely difficult. Nobody can prepare
you for what it's like to have a kid. Nobody.
So for those childless people out there that are like
planning to have children, nobody can prepare you for it. Sorry,
your dog doesn't count. I hate to tell you that
it does not count.

Speaker 1 (26:44):
It doesn't nobody My pets but rights the same, right.

Speaker 2 (26:50):
I remember I was with my brother one time, and
I don't know what we were doing. We were visiting
each other, and he was telling me this story about
his neighbor and how they were like a really young,
you know, yuppie couple, like in their early twenties, and
my brother had just had his first baby, my niece,
and of course they were in the thick of the
like the newborn baby stage, and they were like, oh, yeah,

(27:12):
like we're thinking about having kids, but you know, we've
had a dog for like two years and you know,
so we feel like fully prepared. And my brother was like, yeah,
but if your dog gets hit by a car, like,
you're gonna get over it, and we're okay, if your
kid gets hit by a car, like, you're never gonna
be the same.

Speaker 1 (27:26):
Yeah, you're never.

Speaker 2 (27:27):
It's not the same. It's not the same.

Speaker 1 (27:30):
Just like again, the body for the female you know
who gives birth, like the body goes through something. I
think that's just it's a whole different level. I mean, listen, parenting,
which we've done episodes on, and that's not what this
episode is about. But nobody prepares you for any of
the stage.

Speaker 2 (27:46):
Now, no you can't. You have to just go through
it yourself and be like, dang, it's brutal, man, it's brutal.

Speaker 1 (27:51):
Sun graduates in a week, guys, And I just this again,
this episode is not about parenting, but I just want
to give a shout out to all the parents that
have graduates this time of year and are in this
season of life where you're having to let go. And
I'm just giving you a virtual hug because I just
you just don't know who you know.

Speaker 2 (28:12):
But you know what, now you and Josh can just
do it whenever you're not going to be anytime. That's
exactly naked.

Speaker 1 (28:21):
That's right. There's no like random gage door opening. And
my son, you know, because our room is right off
you know, the front door, right, and so we have
to always be very careful.

Speaker 2 (28:29):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 (28:32):
We got four kids.

Speaker 2 (28:33):
Oh my gosh. We have to turn up the TV
so loud and then just be really quiet, yeah, to
not traumatize our children, and obviously lock the door and
we wait till they go to bed. But still, I mean,
you never know the walls they talk, yeah, I mean,
and of course we have little ones. But we have
a rule, like you have to knock and be invited in.

(28:55):
That's everybody's rule. That's we have a major privacy rule
in our house for all the kids. And that it
means it's the same for us with them and then
with us. You know, everybody knocks and has to be
invited in because everybody deserves their privacy. And so if
you do have kids and you're struggling with your sex life,
once they get old enough to know a boundary of no,
you have to be invited into somebody's room. Everybody's bedroom

(29:18):
is their private space right and everybody is has the
right to their privacy.

Speaker 1 (29:23):
I think that's a great rule. I think that is
a beautiful boundary. It is because a consequence if they
barge in to their to be traumatized. No either way,
And I mean because interesting enough. I have stories for both. No. No, oh, yeah,
I walked in on my son. Yeah, that's I mean,

(29:46):
it was and it was just like I can't explain it.
The only thing I wanted to do afterwards, and I know.

Speaker 2 (29:51):
You know, I gouge your eyeballs out.

Speaker 1 (29:52):
I wanted to punch a wall. I don't know, I
wanted to like run my fist through a wall. That
was just and Josh was like, what's wrong with cause
I like just came upstairs really abruptly and it was
late like and you know, and it was like their
prom night, and so I just had randomly like gone
down there to make sure that he was getting leaving

(30:13):
to take her home, you know, like it's time, like buddy,
it's time, you need y'all need to go. And so
I went down there. Anyway, I don't want to rethink
it too much, so but I just wanted to like
punch a pillow. It was like not this angry, like
punch a pillow just like I wanted to, like I
don't know, like you know, the men in black tool
where I was one of those men in black holes
where I just like you did this and like it

(30:35):
erased my memory. So I mean that happened probably just
like you know, a couple of months ago. But then
I had an experience again with my dad, Levey Daddy,
which is just another funny story where I was probably
nineteen or twenty. My parents had been divorced for a
couple of years and my dad, you know, was dating
someone seriously but I had never met her. And I

(30:56):
was coming home to pick up a vehicle to go
on spring break college spring break. Had no idea that
his girlfriend, his new girlfriend, was there. So of course
I just barge in my dad's house, you know, I'm
like daddy, you know, and they don't hear me, and
I go to the back bedroom and open it up
and there lays my dad And.

Speaker 2 (31:19):
That's like the episode of the Righteous Jim.

Speaker 1 (31:21):
It was awful, and like I just like dart out
the front door, like just take off running, you know,
because the image is just ah. And then I run
out the front door, and here's my dad like running
out after me, like tying up his robe. And this
is the best part, guys, This is the funniest part.
I'm like standing on his front porch, you know, face
and hands, just like totally mortified. And he walks up

(31:44):
behind me and he puts his arm around me and
he says, baby, daddies have sex too. I was just sorry.
It's twenty years old, guys, and so I'm just saying
it trumps as your children.

Speaker 2 (31:58):
My dad was, and so more all of the story.
Be careful around your children.

Speaker 1 (32:04):
Yes, but still make time for sex.

Speaker 2 (32:06):
Still make time for sex. Sex is so important. I
get a question probably once a week in my groups
that is sex and need. Yes it is. It is
a human need, equivalent to sleeping and needing.

Speaker 1 (32:20):
Yeah, I was gonna say air, Yeah it is.

Speaker 2 (32:22):
And a lot of people are surprised by that because
when you lose your sex drive, because yeah, I was
in a relationship where I totally lost my sex drive
because of the lack of safety, right, And then they
want to fight their partners like, well, it's not really
a need. You can live without it. It's like, well, yeah,
you can live without it, but you're enough. You might
not feel good, and you feel a whole lot better

(32:43):
when sex.

Speaker 1 (32:43):
Makes everything better. It does, like afterwards, I'm like la daa,
like the birds are churving that you like. I mean,
if you don't have that experience, I hope that everyone
does get.

Speaker 2 (32:53):
That hall I know, but so many people don't. So
many people I talk to so many people that are
just like I just do it to do it. I
do it to make them happy. I don't enjoy it.
I don't feel anything with it. Which listen, folks, we're
going to get some people on here that are gonna
help you out.

Speaker 1 (33:09):
That's okay, that's right. We're gonna get some specialists.

Speaker 2 (33:11):
But I think if it doesn't feel good to you,
you need to be vulnerable and honest and don't be like,
well what you do doesn't feel good, because that absolutely
will crush your partner. But what you can say is, hey,
you know, I think I want to try this, Yeah,
and just put it out there.

Speaker 1 (33:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (33:27):
And I know it's hard because there's always the opportunity
for judgment or for rejection. But hopefully I pray that
you guys find your secure attachment and you end up
in secure relationships. Well, you're not going to be judged.

Speaker 1 (33:42):
And that's the kicker, right, Like, that's the point of
it all, is like, because when you really talk about
past the physical part of sex, the intimate part of sex,
like it really takes safety, it does, and security, yes,
and it takes usecure partner coming together with another secure partner.

(34:03):
And that's why achieving your attachment security is so important.

Speaker 2 (34:07):
Right because you when you're secure, you do crave sex
with your partner. You gave that intimate connection that only
sex can bring. And yes, I mean, oh my gosh,
my husband and I are extremely emotionally vulnerable. Like I've
told him my deepest, darkest secrets and I know his
deepest darkest secrets, and you know, we've we've really had

(34:27):
a lot of deep, deep emotional intimacy. But the sexual
intimacy brings something else to the table that emotional intimacy
just can't bring. It's like what separates you from a
being a friend, right, Right, It's like it separates So
if you're in a relationship and you're not having sex
or any kind of sexual contact, then you're friends, right,

(34:48):
You're just your friends, your buddies.

Speaker 1 (34:50):
Yeah, yeah, very true, and.

Speaker 2 (34:51):
So that confuses me when people are like, well, is
it necessary, yes, otherwise you're in a roommate situation that
you just might really like.

Speaker 1 (35:00):
I just I've always felt like the physical part with
Josh is really there are many things that make us one,
but it's like the ultimate thing that makes us worse.

Speaker 2 (35:11):
And that's the way Go'm designed it.

Speaker 1 (35:13):
Yeah, and like that's when I feel just like where
it all comes together is in the bedroom, yeah, you know,
oh yeah, and where it all feels like home and
it feels good.

Speaker 2 (35:25):
And isn't your husband so happy afterwards? They're so freaking
happy after they have sex, they like literally will pick Yeah.

Speaker 1 (35:34):
I mean it changes my way of course. It's just
it's even in the times where I might be too tired,
you know, or like afterwards, I'm like, I'm so glad.

Speaker 2 (35:42):
I never regret it. No, Like I might not be
like at first, like yeah, like I'm tired, or you know,
I've been working out really hard, I'm really sore or whatever,
but then it's like once the ball gets rolling, then I'm.

Speaker 1 (35:55):
Just like, oh, yeah, we're doing this. We do this
more often exactly. We always ask each other that question.
We're like after it's over, we're like, why don't we
do this more often? It's like, well, we don't see
each other that much.

Speaker 2 (36:07):
Maybe that's why here, guys, is scheduling issue.

Speaker 1 (36:09):
We're like, yeah, we're just you know, I mean, sometimes
it just works out that way. It's better now that
he's on days, of course, but because you know, I mean,
that's a really important thing, like actually going to bed
with your partner.

Speaker 2 (36:20):
It's huge, and I actually that's one of the things
that I often tell my clients to do in terms
of intervention, is get up together and go to bed together,
have a routine in the morning together, and have a
routine in the evening together. And I know that you
may have a different sleep schedule than your partner, but
you can still make it work. Like my husband and I,

(36:41):
we get ready for bed together, you know, we get
in bed together, we have some time talking or you know,
sexy time or whatever it is.

Speaker 1 (36:48):
It usually leads to sexy time.

Speaker 2 (36:50):
Yeah, he's asleep in like five minutes, and I will
stay up and watch TV because I never ever, you
know me, I never get alone time ever. The only
time I I'm ever alone ever.

Speaker 1 (37:01):
Really sick of it because it's in my part, I'm
gonna start being selfish with you. I know you're going
to be like Donald, leave her alone. I just went
one hour of shopping.

Speaker 2 (37:11):
What hour of Oh my gosh, should we try to
go shopping on Mother's Day? My oldest was.

Speaker 1 (37:15):
Calling thirty two minutes later, thirty two.

Speaker 2 (37:18):
Minutes of alone time?

Speaker 1 (37:19):
Yeah is what I got, Collin Sarah Donald's Colin Sarah.
And I'm just like, no, I would never get mad
at that, but.

Speaker 2 (37:27):
Now ever, Yeah, no, I love I understand of my family,
understand it. But sometimes it is nice to have friend time.

Speaker 1 (37:34):
And you need friends.

Speaker 2 (37:35):
You need a balance in your marriage, you need a
balance in your life. And my life is just I'm
in a season with all these kids, so it's good,
it's all good.

Speaker 1 (37:44):
But I'm in a season of letting my kid go. Yeah,
I can't wait till her in the same season.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
I know, Well, you got a long wait, baby girl,
even more years.

Speaker 1 (37:53):
No, what am I gonna do for eleven years?

Speaker 2 (37:56):
Yes, travel whatever, have a lot of Yeah, literally what.

Speaker 1 (38:02):
You want, I'm not gonna don't worry. Josh, and I
did think about the bet. I finally let that go.
I'm good, Okay, I'm good.

Speaker 2 (38:10):
Yeah, you changed your hair color for a while. That
got you through it.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
I think, yeah, I change my hair color and get
some extensions, you know anything.

Speaker 2 (38:18):
Yeah, I know. I have a lot of couples who
are very much One person wants to have another child
and the other person definitely does not, And it is
a huge point of contention, and a lot of times
the other person doesn't want to have a child because
the marriage isn't good. Yeah, right, And I think there
is a drive for the person wanting the child kind

(38:42):
of thinking it's going to make things better. When it doesn't,
it makes things worse because any outside stressors pull from
your self regulatory gas tank, and self regulation is at
the heart of secure attachment. Regulating your own nervous system
allows you to present as a secure person instead of
someone who launches into a trauma response when they're triggered.

(39:03):
And so when you add external stressors, it does become
harder to show up secure. So if you're already struggling
in your relationship, having another child is definitely not a
good idea, And.

Speaker 1 (39:16):
If you're struggling with sex and intimacy, it's definitely not either.

Speaker 2 (39:19):
It's not no, you need to make that really solid
because yeah, babies put a din in it a little bit.

Speaker 1 (39:25):
Yeah, for sure, for sure. So if you are looking
for your secure attachment, and honestly if you're just looking
for more sex and intimacy in your relationship, stay tuned.
First off, because we are going to have some fantastic
guests on for this series. And go check out doctor
Hansley Si.

Speaker 2 (39:43):
Yes, I would be happy to save your sex life
by helping you guys fix your attachment issues because if
you can meet your partner's attachment needs, you'll be so
surprised at how their sex tried. Is the trues It
is the foundation absolutely.

Speaker 1 (39:57):
I mean we can bring in some specialists and some
sex you know, some sex specialists through therapists, but I
think ultimately attachment is like the foundation of so much.

Speaker 2 (40:07):
So much. It affects so much in our lives.

Speaker 1 (40:11):
I don't know, I mean specifically our.

Speaker 2 (40:13):
Specifically in our romantic relationships, but in our parenting journey
and in our journey with our a family of origin,
and you know how we view the world.

Speaker 1 (40:22):
That's right, So go check out Doctor Hensley Services. And
also while you're edit, go check out our affiliate to Armor.
We have a special promo code Love Doc right for
new people who want to try out Armor for fifteen
percent off With that code, Armor, like we've talked about
multiple times before, has drastically changed our guts.

Speaker 2 (40:44):
Absolutely, it is a fantastic all around supplement, but definitely
if you have the tummy issues, because let's face it,
those of us with trauma, we're gonna have tummy issues.
It is a game changer. I have a issue much improved.

Speaker 1 (40:56):
I'll be honest, tummy issues have affected my sex life.
Like at times I've been like, my stomach hurts, baby,
you know. So, I mean armor can can help that
as well.

Speaker 2 (41:07):
That's right, So go check them out. Have some delicious
new flavors.

Speaker 1 (41:11):
Peach, peach my listening, Yes, and I've got the Apricot
in my water right now, which is also delicious, but
I'm gonna do the peach next. So Love Doc for
fifteen percent off. And then, of course, for all of
our listeners, we have a special promo code Love Doc
twenty seven for twenty seven percent off any of doctor
Hinsley's services, her hybrid group coaching, her courses, and yeah,

(41:33):
it's very generous, so of course, and then bump bump bom.
We finally, I'm not gonna lie, guys. I'm still figuring
it out, but we do have our Patreon's account and
so go check that out as well at patreons dot com.
Flash the Love Dog Podcast.

Speaker 2 (41:47):
Yes, right, And it's like texting me at like ten
at night, did you get a code? Yeah? And I'm
setting up our Patreons.

Speaker 1 (41:52):
This is lot because this is this is my life.
Like I usually start working, like I run all my errands,
you know, in the morning, like I go work out,
I like run my errands, and then I come home
and sometimes it's like not till one, you.

Speaker 2 (42:03):
Know when I first that started the blessing of having
your life.

Speaker 1 (42:07):
It's beautiful. I mean, I was just I mean, Josh
and I talked pillow Talk last night. We were talking
about just how grateful it is to be able to
live this life where I get to make my own
schedule and work when I can and work when I want,
and you know, ultimately get to change people's lives while
I do it. It's just such a beautiful gift and

(42:28):
I never want to take it for granted. And I'm
just so grateful. I even told Josh was like if
I ever have to go back to like the life
I lived before I die, I might physically die. I know.

Speaker 2 (42:38):
I was thinking God on the way here, just like,
thank you God, you gave me such an amazing life,
and I feel so unworthy of this opportunity and this platform.
But all I want to do is make sure that
I serve God to the best of my ability and
teach others what He wants them to know about how
to love.

Speaker 1 (42:57):
Yeah, that's all I want, and that is the ultimate mission.
And that's the mission that we and our wish and
our prayer for every single one of you is to
have healthy, secure love. So you need help get in there.
Go check out doctor Hensley services at the lovedoc to
help you the lovedoc dot com and please, guys, continue
to tune in and until next time, peace, love and perspective. M.

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Episode 1, Season II | Sex & Intimacy Series: "Attachment in the Sheets"

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode 1, Season II | Sex & Intimacy Series: "Attachment in the Sheets"