Episode 12, Season II - "Mastering the Conscious Mind – The Key to Directing Your Life and Relationships" - The Love Doc Podcast

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:11):
Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I am your co host,
Reina Butcher here with our host and my bff, doctor
Sarah Hensley. Hi. Hi, what's up?

Speaker 2 (00:21):
Oh, you know, not much, just working, working, working and
doing the kid thing kid activities. But it doesn't matter
because it just gets worse. Yeah, it's just it's we
have so many kids, and I love my big family.
Like I always wanted to have a big family. But
then after you know, I did not do well with pregnancy.

(00:43):
So I get to have two beautiful kids that I
didn't actually have to be pregnant to have, and so
that is a blessing. And I love our beautiful family.
But I'm not gonna lie. Four kids in like six
different sports. We've got my mom on board, We've got
Miss Hannah, our helper on board, and my husband and
I and we still are running all all the place.

Speaker 1 (01:01):
Never sit still. No, Sarah is the hardest person to
nail down. In fact, you know, I'm.

Speaker 2 (01:07):
Sorry to everybody who's tried to nail me down. I'm
so sorry. I do try to prioritize being a mom,
you know, above everything else, and it's it's so hard.
It's a hard balance being a working mom.

Speaker 1 (01:18):
And me an empty nest, this empty nest time in
my life, and it's like I'm always alone.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
I'm like, I I can't go to the bathroom without
one of the younger kids being like Mom, Sarah, are
you they need something?

Speaker 1 (01:32):
And I'm just like yeah, in fact, when this episode, yeah,
when this episode airs, I will officially be an empty
nester because wow, I moved my son to college this week,
so I'm in. I've had some emotional moments thinking about
it for so many reasons. But sure, it's a it's

(01:52):
a really unique time in appearances life. I've said it once,
I'll say it again. It's it's bittersweet, yes, but I'm
trying my best.

Speaker 2 (02:02):
To be old af when I get to that day, I.

Speaker 1 (02:06):
Know when it sucks because I'm like, gosh, now I
have all this time freedom and like like Josh should
not want to travel, like like we're already planning our
next trip. Yeah, like we're we're already planning our next
trip and we need to plan our next trip with
you guys.

Speaker 2 (02:20):
Yes for sure.

Speaker 1 (02:21):
So but anyway, today's episode, we are going to talk
about the power of the conscious mind. Yes, we have
talked about the subconscious mind.

Speaker 2 (02:30):
We did. We had a whole episode on the subconscious
mind operates completely differently than the conscious mind.

Speaker 1 (02:35):
So break it down for U, s Doc tell us,
you know what what is the conscious mind? And make
it simple. Make it simple for us people that just don't.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
The conscious mind is the part of the mind you
can access. It's your own thoughts. Okay. What's interesting is
that they say about forty percent of the population does
not have a stream of consciousness, which blows my mind. Basically,
that means they can't hear their own voice in their head.
They have their mind as one hundred percent quiet, and

(03:05):
they think abstractly. They think in abstract so they can't
like if you were to walk up to a mirror
and say hello to yourself in your brain, they can't
do it.

Speaker 1 (03:13):
I can't even Like it's like trying to fathom infinity,
Like I can't fathom that, Like I don't even understand it. Like, yeah,
brain just does not rem right.

Speaker 2 (03:20):
And I've had and I'm not gonna lie. They tend
to be dismissive avoidance. Because dismissive avoidance are so dissociated,
I think that maybe that maybe that's what it is.
Maybe I don't know what. I honestly need to dig
into this a little bit further of why some people
don't have a stream of consciousness, if there's certain genetic
predispositions to it, if there's situational like too much dissociation

(03:43):
during development or what happens. But I have noticed at
least in my practice, and there could be selection bias
there of course too, but it tends to be more
of the dismissive avoidance that don't have the stream of consciousness.
Fearful avoidance always have a stream of consciousness, I've learned,
because their mind never shuts up. My mind never shuts up. Same,
It's always always talking to me. And what I want

(04:07):
people to understand is that you can have a great
deal of control over your mind.

Speaker 1 (04:14):
That was gonna be my next question, was, you know,
like the difference really between or how much control does
the conscious mind have compared to like the subconscious mind.

Speaker 2 (04:23):
The subconscious mind. If you go back and listen, it
might have been like episode two or three.

Speaker 1 (04:27):
It was a very early it was a good one.

Speaker 2 (04:30):
So the subconscious mind doesn't have language, so the subconscious
mind its languages and feeling of the body, so the
tight chest, the shaky hands, the adrenaline in the heart.
That's your subconscious mind speaking to you. Is in the
feeling element of emotion. The conscious mind speaks to you
in the thought element of emotion. So emotion is the

(04:50):
feelings in the body like our you know, the ache
in your chest or the pit in your stomach, or
the racing heart, plus your thoughts about what has happened
in the situation. That is all that the construct of
emotion is made up of. Okay. So it has a
cognitive piece in what we call an affective piece or
the feeling piece in the body. Okay, And so you

(05:12):
know that is the subconscious mind speaks in affect. It
speaks in feeling, in sensation, and the conscious mind speaks
in language or for some people language in a more
abstract term. Like it was funny. I was talking to Courtney,
the woman who does our eyelashes, and she doesn't have
a stream of consciousness, which is interesting. So I was talking.

(05:34):
I was trying really hard to talk to her because
I really wanted to deep dive into like what is
it like not to have a stream of consciousness? And
she's like, I don't know, It's just like I think,
but it's not in words. It's more abstract, you know,
like if if I think of an apple, like I
can't just like picture an apple in my brain. Like

(05:54):
she doesn't have a mind's eye either, Like the mind's
eye is your ability to like have imagery, right, right,
And so the conscious mind is supposed to speak in language,
and she's like, well, it does speak in language, I
just can't hear it. So it was really hard for
me to interesting she's AP, she is AP, love you
court your AP, and she knows it. She'll like, yeah,

(06:15):
she'd but you know, so the conscious mind has language.
Some people have a stream of consciousness, meaning they can
actually hear the sound. They can hear an inner voice.
People that don't have a stream of consciousness can't hear
the inner voice, but their thoughts are still language based.
So she, you know, if I say, okay, Courtney, describe

(06:37):
what an apple looks like, she would say, it's red,
it's round, it has a stem, you know, it's white
in the middle. Whatever, right has a court has seeds.
So there's language to her thought because she can verbalize it,
but she doesn't if I said say that to yourself
in your head, she hears no language. She just has
the thought abstractly somehow, And I.

Speaker 1 (06:55):
Said, don't see it? Does she not know?

Speaker 2 (07:00):
So it's one of those things that I think. It's
like the question of like is the color blue that
I see the same as what you see?

Speaker 1 (07:08):
Right?

Speaker 2 (07:08):
Like? Do we see color imagery? Nobody knows because you
can't ever be inside someone's head, right, So we can't know.
And that's the thing. And so a stream of consciousness
is just audibly hearing an inner voice. You don't hear
it outside of yourself. We worry about schizophrenia when we
think about audible sounds or audible voices, But it's inside

(07:30):
of your head, right, So the conscious mind has language
attached to it. Therefore we can speak back to it,
which makes us extremely powerful beings. I went through so
much of my life with this idea that I couldn't
help how I felt, and I couldn't help how I thought,

(07:51):
and I truly believed that. I truly believed that. You know,
my brain works the way it works, My emotions are
the way they are. I'm just a sensitive person and
this is just how I am. And my dad as
messed up as he was. God blessed the man he
tried to instill, but he didn't use any of this knowledge.
Maybe it's why it didn't stick because there was no
modeling there. It was just a lecture that you know,

(08:14):
you can have power over your mind. And I was like, no,
you can't, Like I can't control the thoughts that I have,
and the thoughts are hard, they're crazy, Like I can't
get it out of my head if this happens or
that happens, or whatef or whatnot.

Speaker 1 (08:26):
That was so wrong.

Speaker 2 (08:29):
And I saw a Tony Robbins video on TikTok today.
Love Tony Robbin's always a big fan of his. He's
a huge inspiration. And he said, you know, your life
is what you focus on it, and this is not
It is no longer philosophical that you are what you
focus on. It's not philosophical anymore. There's actual science behind it.

(08:53):
And so psychologists a long time ago created the theory
of the self fulfilling prophecy. I think everybody's kind of
heard of it.

Speaker 1 (09:00):
This.

Speaker 2 (09:00):
It's this idea that what we think becomes our actions
and then that brings back to us sort of the
reality of what we were thinking in the first place,
right So if I believe I will always be rejected,
I'm going to one focus on all the ways I
am rejected, and two, I'm probably going to behave in
ways that then cause me to be rejected, which then
reinforces the thought that I will always be rejected. That's

(09:23):
a self fulfilling prophecy. But the science of quantum physics
now is blowing this way open by saying there is
no even in fact behavioral mediator that has to happen.
So for the self fulfilling prophecy, it's I have a
thought and then I act in ways that reinforce the
outcome to come back to the original thought. Right again,

(09:46):
So if I feel like I'll be rejected, maybe I
act awkwardly, which then makes me rejected, which then reinforces
that I'm going to be rejected. Right, Quantum physics is saying, no,
you don't even have to have the behavior, it's just
the thought. And let me break this down, because I deep,
I went to I went down the rabbit hole with this,
okay one night, and I am a rabbit hole person.

(10:07):
I'm just one of those people.

Speaker 1 (10:08):
Well, you're a researcher, you're a scientist.

Speaker 2 (10:10):
I'm a scientist. Right, I'm a researcher. And when you
are trained as a researcher, research doesn't isn't just gathering knowledge,
it is producing knowledge. It is collecting data to produce knowledge, right,
to develop theory and test theory and test hypotheses. And
so I'm a trained researcher. You know, I'm an experimentalist

(10:31):
at heart, and so I like to read actual scientific papers.
I'm a super nerd. That's how it became an attachmentist expert.
I read the actual scientific papers. I wasn't just reading
like websites, right, And so that's where I nerd out
is I can actually go and I can look at
the design of the study, and I can look at
who's funding the study, and I can try to see,

(10:52):
you know, are there limitations to this research? Is their
biases or flaws and the design, et cetera. And so
that allows me the skill of distinguishing good research from
bad research. Right. And there's a lot of really good,
really solid science around what I'm about to break down,
and I'm going to do it to the best of
my ability. Because I am a social psychologist. I am

(11:12):
not a physicist. Okay, specifically, I'm not a quantum physicist. Okay,
so this is.

Speaker 1 (11:17):
We'd have one on we two That would be really
that would be so.

Speaker 2 (11:21):
Cool, because honestly, it's a little above my pay grade.
I'm not going to lie. Okay, so when you're starting
to talk molecular science, my brain's just like, huh, like,
give me the cliff notes, right, give me, give me.
I'll read the discussion section of the paper, but not
gonna lie. Okay.

Speaker 1 (11:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (11:40):
I try to look at methodology and I try to
look at it from an experimentalist standpoint of like, Okay,
there's a sort of criteria that all the scientific method
rests upon, So like, are we using you know, these
these scientific principles? Are we using the scientific principles of experimentation,
like you know, having a placebo or whatever it is.

(12:00):
I know the foundational stuff when it comes to quantum physics,
but in terms of like, you know, how do you
really look at an atom? I don't really understand them,
the microscopes, Like, I don't understand those things. But here's
what I do know. We are all made up of atoms,
and inside of those atoms are smaller bits, right, and

(12:26):
all of those smaller bits are moving in different directions,
and every atom has, from what I understand, infinite possibilities
of how it can behave infinite Again, how do we
conceptualize infinity? I do not know, but it apparently can

(12:48):
behave in infinite ways. And your thoughts will change the
direction in which the atoms that you are made of
and the atoms around you are spinning. So if essentially
every possibility for you and your life exists all at
once based upon how the atoms decide to spin, your

(13:12):
mind controls the direction of that spin. So were our
consciousness therefore then creates our reality at a molecular level.
So we change the way that the atoms spin based
upon our focus and our intent and our emotion attached

(13:33):
to it. And here's what is super interesting. If we
want to talk about quote unquote manifestation, which I do
not believe in, because I believe that it is not
the universe that brings us things. It is the creator
of the universe that set a design in motion, and
that design just plays out like there are rules to
God's design in my opinion, Okay, so I believe that

(13:56):
manifestation in the way that God designed it is real.
I don't believe it's something that we create organically from
in us. I believe that we can tap into the
power of God's laws of the universe and use them
to our advantage. That is my particular opinion because that
is sort of how I reconcile like that the law
of attraction is real, but it's God's law. God designed

(14:18):
the universe for the law of attraction to be real.
It's not something that the universe holds organically on its
own without God's design and power. If that makes sense,
it makes sense. So what is the science of quote
unquote manifestation which I believe is just the law of attraction,
which I think is the way that God designed the universe,
which is gives us so much power essentially, you know,

(14:42):
because one of my favorite verses two Timothy one seven
says for God did not give you a spirit of fear,
but one of power, love and a sound mind. And
so I have a sweatshirt that even says that on
I'm about to get it ted, probably tattooed on me
because it is a verse I've never had one. I'm
like the unicorn, right, it keeps calling me back because
I'm like not to get off on another tangent. But

(15:03):
I'm just like this unicorn that doesn't have any tattoos.
Don't anybody that doesn't have any tattoos. I literally don't
know a single person.

Speaker 1 (15:10):
You and Curnie are the only two I know. And
so it's just one of.

Speaker 2 (15:13):
Those things where I have needle phobia and I've just
never been brave enough to do it. It's really not
that I don't think they're cool. I think they're super cool.
I just I'm a needlephobic and it's it's scary to me. Okay,
speaking of the mind, it's all in my head. My
needle phobia is and I proved that to myself because
last time I got botox, I didn't pass out, and
that was last week. So I know because I was like,

(15:34):
you know what, if this mind, this mind stuff is real,
then it's mind over freaking matter, Sarah, you don't have
to be a needle phobe for the rest of your life.

Speaker 1 (15:43):
Right.

Speaker 2 (15:43):
It is a vaguel tone response to the fear. It's
a fear response, right. So I was like, Nope, mind
over matter. So what I what did I do? I
used my freaking tools out to teach other people. I
was like, duh, apply it here, Sarah, you don't have
to pass out from your botox and I didn't. You
can ask my inject.

Speaker 1 (16:00):
I'm sure, Sarah. Our injector was like, thank god.

Speaker 2 (16:03):
I'm getting the smelly salts out for this one again
because I'll have to take break. I'll be like, I'm
about pass out, Sarah and be like, okay, we'll take
a break. Stop stop stop, you know. And where I
used to go before I met Sarah, they would get
the smelly salts out every single time.

Speaker 1 (16:17):
Immediately the media and alcohol.

Speaker 2 (16:20):
Pads to like to get, you know, to wake me up.
I've passed out in front of you book.

Speaker 1 (16:25):
Oh my gosh, terrifying.

Speaker 2 (16:27):
I think we've told that story on the pot before. Anyway,
That's just that's part of my nature. I a I
will go down. I am a pastor outer AnyWho. So basically,
this law of attraction is this idea that our thoughts
change the molecular spinning. And we are all made of atoms,

(16:48):
and everything around us is made of atoms, and those
atoms are made of smaller things. And so when we
we can direct the spin of the atoms which create
a certain reality at any given point in time.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
So Essentially, it blows my mind.

Speaker 2 (17:03):
Our life is made up of infinite possibilities at every
given second.

Speaker 1 (17:07):
Infinite power.

Speaker 2 (17:08):
And yeah, think about that infinite power, right, which is like,
how did this disciples have the power to heal when
they weren't Jesus. Well, they tapped into the power that
Jesus has granted upon us through our belief and our faith.
And this is where I was going. I'm glad I
went back to that because I probably would have lost
my train of thought. I do that a lot lately.
I think it's perimn of pest, yeah, or just being

(17:30):
really busy. But they they have found that the way
that the reality is actually created is directly correlated to
the depth of the belief in the outcome. So that
is why foe belief doesn't work. Like if you believe
I'm going to win the lottery, but in the back

(17:51):
of your mind you're like, yeah, probably not, You're not
gonna win lottery. They actually have done studies that show
that the people that have people that have won the
lottery like truly believe that someday they're going to win
the lottery. Like the depth of their belief is wholehearted.
At the cellular level, like the atomic level, which is
like the smallest form of matter inside the atoms, right,
the smallest form of matter. And so essentially, when I

(18:14):
look at my life, and we did some episodes on
my life story, which is sort of like a you know,
I've just had a ton of trauma. I don't know
how else to describe it if you haven't listened to
those episodes, I've just had a lot of life trauma.
And my life changed extremely quickly and within a year,
within a year, my life was top to bottom different

(18:39):
in terms of my personality, in terms of how my
nervous system functioned, in terms of my love life, in
terms of my finances, one hundred percent different. And I
really have to think about what was the biggest shift,
And the biggest shift was learning through Ashley and being
health and science all combined of the power of being

(19:00):
able to observe the mind. So we aren't sort of
born and naturally developed with the power to observe our
stream of consciousness. Science shows it's actually kind of a
skill that can be learned, kind of like we're not
born knowing how to ride a bike. We get on
the bike and we try and we practice and then
all of a sudden, it's muscle memory. Observing your mind

(19:23):
works the same way, and this is one of the
fundamental skills that I teach in my hybrid group. So
you know, I'm kind of revealing, not gatekeeping here. I
have a lot of specific strategies to teach to observe
your mind. But the power of observation is a skill
that you can learn. So you can learn to sort
of have a thought, and then there's another part of

(19:46):
your consciousness that comes in and observes it and has
some evaluation of that thought. Most people just go through
their lives and like they have all of these thoughts.
Every thought you have speaks to your nervous system. Every
single thought you have tells your nervous system. Am I
safe in this moment? Or am I not safe in
this moment? And so most people are just passive victims
of their thoughts. That's why I always believed that I

(20:09):
had no control.

Speaker 1 (20:10):
Believing that all your thoughts are true is really dangerous,
so dangerous.

Speaker 2 (20:15):
Listen, I have thoughts all the time that I'm like, dang,
that's not nice, that's not good, not today, Satan, You're
not getting in my head.

Speaker 1 (20:23):
You know. I think it's important to emphasize here because
a lot of people will say, well, these this is
just how I feel, and my feelings are valid, and.

Speaker 2 (20:32):
I want to like nothing makes me more mad.

Speaker 1 (20:34):
Than that one thing that you talk a lot about
in your content. Oh.

Speaker 2 (20:38):
Not all feelings are valid. They're not. They're not.

Speaker 1 (20:42):
You can't believe every feeling and every thought.

Speaker 2 (20:44):
Follow follow your life, just following your feelings and see
where you get. Yeah, let me tell you take the
road from now on. You use no logic and you
just follow your feelings and see where you end up.
You're gonna end up like a drug addict, yeah, okay,
or you're gonna end up in victimhood and victimhood not
I will. Here's what I will say. It's nuanced. Not

(21:06):
all feelings are valid, but all feelings must be felt
without judgment, yes, and then critically evaluated, Okay, Like the
thought piece of emotion needs to be critically evaluated, the
feelings piece of emotion we need to just feel, confront
and move on from. And when we actually do feel

(21:28):
and confront them, especially if we're using strategies to garner
safety that are both telling the brain that yes, we
are feeling and this feels uncomfortable, But guess what, we're
still safe. That's what I teach, right, And we have
some science behind how to teach that, and I do
teach that in my hybrid group. And it's a game
changer because we have to feel our emotions too completion.

(21:51):
But emotions are one half your thoughts and one half
your feelings. So when I say all feelings are valid,
I mean all emotions aren't valid, right, the feelings aspect
of emotion that is happening from your nervous system, and
it is happening so quickly that you're never going to
be able to completely stop having feelings or having negative feelings, right.

Speaker 1 (22:15):
You can't deny that it's not happening.

Speaker 2 (22:17):
But there's there's an interpretation of those feelings, right, What
is this feeling and what does it mean about me
in my life? That is what can be invalid, right,
our interpretation of what we are experiencing and what it
means for us in our life. Right. So for example,

(22:37):
my husband might be having a bad day and maybe
he says something and I think it's a little rude, Right,
it should happens, right, and so I can experience a
negative emotion like rejection, right right, rejection is going to
come with tightness in my chest, a pit in my stomach,

(22:58):
and then it's going to come in with thoughts of well,
what in the hell did I do to you? Why
are you doing this to me? I didn't do anything,
Why are you being rude? You're such a jerk. Let's
break that down. What does that tell my nervous system?
If I hang on to that thought, what does it
tell my nervous system? It tells my nervous system, well,

(23:18):
you have two options here. You either can stay married
to this jerk who's rude, or you can get a divorce.
You're stuck between the rock of the pain of detachment
and the hard place of suffering. My nervous system says,
there's no escape from that. It's suffering any direction I go. So,
of course, then you're going to get anxiety. Of course
you're going to become more dysregulated, and then you're more

(23:40):
likely to operate in your trauma response. Then I would
be more likely to blurt out, what in the hell
is your problem? Why are you being so rude? Which
might start a fight, right, But when you have the
power of observation, It gives you a pause because again
there's the me that thinks, sure, that comes through my head, God,
what a jerk, What in the hell's your problem? But
then there's the second meat that comes in and says,
hold on, Sarah, he's not a jerk. You love this man. Yes,

(24:02):
he said something that you didn't like. No, that didn't
feel good. You didn't like it. I'm not gaslighting myself.
I'm not saying that it's all okay when it's not.
I'm being honest with myself when I said, ooh, that
didn't feel good. But it gives me the pause to
not go down the rabbit hole of you're such a
jerk and that was so unwarranted. Getupsive, We get defensive,
because that's just dysregulating my nervous system. It is speaking

(24:25):
to my nervous system, telling my nervous system you're under threat.
So how do I combat that? Well? With the power
of observation, I can be like, ah, that's not true,
he's not a jerk, but I didn't love what he
just said. Let me get curious about what could be
going on. H right, So then I can come in with, hey, babe,
your energy feels a little off, Is everything okay with you?

(24:46):
Are you upset about anything? And then I can trust again.
This is part of having a secure relationship. I am
not responsible for his emotions. I'm only responsible for the
environment that I create. So me coming in with curiosity
is creating an environment of peace and of loving observation
and of vulnerability and an opportunity for connection and an

(25:08):
opportunity for him to share his feelings. What the hell
is your problem? Does not really invite someone into be vulnerable.
It invites someone's defensiveness, and it feels like an attack.
And so when I can get curious, you know, then
I can get that it probably didn't have anything to
do with me. Maybe he just he's hot. He just

(25:28):
walked in from outside and he's just hot, and he's
just like, I'm sorry, I was just a little snappy.
I'm just burning up and exhausted over here. Okay, You're
allowed to be human there, you had a human moment.
Had nothing to do with me. But when we are
when we do not have the power of observation and
we are a victim to our thoughts, our thoughts will
speak this regulation into our nervous system. It will speak

(25:48):
a certain story into our nervous system that we hold
on to, and that story can be so painful. People
break their own hearts every day unnecessarily, like, for example,
when you have a dismissive avoidant partner and they're withdrawing.
You can tell yourselves two very different stories about that.
One is, I'm not loved. They don't care about me.

(26:09):
They if they loved me, they would come back and
repair this. Another thought is, wow, this doesn't feel good
to me. I need to have repair. But I know
that this is their trauma response and I can't control it.
All I can do is have conversations about my needs
and then hold boundaries around them. Right, that's all the
power that you have. And so which one is going

(26:31):
to break your heart? I'm not loved, I'm rejected. They
don't want they don't care about me, they don't want
this relationship or the other conversations. They lack capacity. Can
I set boundaries around them trying to gain capacity? And
then if they can't, my boundaries will have to step
up until I'm out the door, because I won't be

(26:52):
in a relationship with someone who can't repair conflict. But
when you tell yourself you're not loved. What do you
try to do prove that you're worthy of love? You
try harder. Instead of accepting someone's lack of capacity and
deciding if it's a deal breaker for you and using
your boundaries as a way to protect yourself from their
lack of capacity, you make it about you and what

(27:17):
your worth is. And then of course, of course you're disregulated.
And then when you're just regulated, you will operate in
a trauma response. And so that is the hallmark of
insecure attachment. So that's why healing attachment. You have to
have power over your mindset. You have to and that

(27:38):
power of observation is a muscle it takes a while
to develop.

Speaker 1 (27:42):
So we got to talk about Cozy Earth because we
love it so much.

Speaker 2 (27:45):
We love Cozy Earth.

Speaker 1 (27:47):
You're all about the sleep here at the Love Doc.

Speaker 2 (27:49):
Yes, because sleep is such a foundational point to your health.
And I don't know what it is about growing older
that your sleep just starts to suck. And I want
to a period of my life where my sleep was
awful and now my sleep is buck And Cozy Earth
is a big part of that because their sheets are
viscous from bamboo, and when you want to talk about

(28:11):
soft and silky and luxurious, and they do not pill
when you wash them, they stay soft. I cannot brag
on their sheets enough.

Speaker 1 (28:20):
How are they different from other sheets? Would you say?

Speaker 2 (28:22):
I would say one is just the softness and like
the silkiness. It's like softness and silkiness combined. I don't
know how to describe it. You just have to feel
it and the feeling and it's yes, it's a cooling effect.
And so you move around on them, well, you slide
around on them. Well, right, it's not like you have
like satin sheets. We're like slipping off your bed and.

Speaker 1 (28:41):
They don't fall up. H I do not like those
little balls.

Speaker 2 (28:44):
That's the pills, right, So they call it's called pilling,
and they don't do that, which makes the sheet rough.
And so you always have the smooth sheet, which is
really great. They hold up so great in the laundry,
they get better, they get washes. Fantastic.

Speaker 1 (28:59):
Yeah. Now they actually also have one hundred days sleep guarantee,
so you can sleep on them for one hundred days
and if you're not one hundred percent satisfied, you can
send them back and get all your money back.

Speaker 2 (29:10):
That's amazing that's a company that absolutely believes in the product.
And here at the Love Doc, we only endorse what
we truly believe in, what we use, what we swear by.
That was our agreement when we started this podcast that
we weren't going to sell out, even though you know,
maybe we'd be richer if we sold out, but we're
not going to weird requests. We've had some extremely weird requests,

(29:32):
but Cozy Earth is not one of them. And they
actually just sent us their cuddle Bubble blanket, which to
me is fantastic. It is a little bit of a
heavier blanket which gives you that nervous system calming effect.
It's not a true weighted blanket. It won't suffocate you,
but it's just enough to really feel relaxed. And it
is so soft and it's big, and it's one of

(29:53):
my new favorite blankets. My special place to retreat is
we have two recliners in our room. We have a
pretty big master and then in front of the bed.
We actually stole this from the people that owned the
house before. This is how they had it laid out.
We have two very small, sort of like recliners, and
then we have like a coffee table in front. So
we have like a little living room in our bedroom.
And my new favorite blanket to be in my chair

(30:16):
is my cuddle bubble blanket from Cozy Earth. So thank
you so much, Cozy Earth. You can receive a fantastic
discount rain and tell us about the discount.

Speaker 1 (30:23):
Forty person off with promo code love doc at checkout,
which is I've that's our most generous. It's our most
so generous. And you know, Cozy Earth their sheets were
named one of Oprah's favorite things.

Speaker 2 (30:36):
Yes, and I know the Kardashians use them too, so
if they're good enough for the Kardashians, they will absolutely
good enough for us peons, right, Yes, and I just
they're my favorite. I just what I ordered last time
was a set for the camper because again I was like,
these regular sheets suck. Now that you've used Cozy Earth,

(30:56):
you can't go back. It's one of those things like
once you have nice things like that, you just can't
go back. But Cozy Year its pricing I think is
pretty reasonable, especially with the off.

Speaker 1 (31:06):
Yeah, and they have a ten year warranty. Yeah, so
that's huge, it's huge.

Speaker 2 (31:10):
They stand by their products. I love people that stand
by their products.

Speaker 1 (31:13):
Well, it just goes to say that the investment is
worth it.

Speaker 2 (31:15):
It's worth it.

Speaker 1 (31:17):
Good stuff ain't what's hold on?

Speaker 2 (31:19):
What is?

Speaker 1 (31:19):
Josh? They all the time I got to get right,
Cheap stuff ain't good, and good stuff ain't cheap.

Speaker 2 (31:26):
Yeah, but with the discount it does make it price friendly.

Speaker 1 (31:29):
Yes it does. So go check them out use promo
code love Dog for forty percent off. So what's the
difference in terms of gaining that control of the conscious
mind versus the subconscious mind.

Speaker 2 (31:42):
The subconscious mind only learns through experience, and it's feeling
to experience, and the.

Speaker 1 (31:50):
Experience conscious is observation.

Speaker 2 (31:52):
Conscious is observation. Okay, so subconscious is experience. So what
do I mean by that? What I mean by that
is the subconscious learns and creates its own imprints or
its own quote memories from experience, from feeling, because felt
experiences is how we essentially create the database for our subconscious.

Speaker 1 (32:18):
Our own connections. Right, Yeah, it's the imprints, and.

Speaker 2 (32:20):
The subconscious mind is like this database of all of
your past experiences and how it felt in your body. Okay.
So that's why, like when we were kids and we
were dismissed. We felt that in our body, right, Or
when we were kids and we were yelled at or spanked,
or you know, there were things that happened to us,
we felt it in our body. So those imprints then

(32:42):
wire into the subconscious, which then the subconscious's job is
to keep you safe and make sure that you are surviving.
And the intimate connections we have are so much of
a part of our survival. The human survival strategy is
built upon connection. Right, Okay, that's why the safety space
of our nervous system, which is called ventral vagel, is

(33:04):
nicknamed the state of social engagement. It's nicknamed that because
when we feel safe, we desire to connect. And so
having the power of your mind to tell yourself the
most objective truths and to recognize when there are stories

(33:24):
there that aren't based in truth, they're not valid. Right,
It's not valid to tell yourself, well, I'm not loved,
because you know, every couple I've ever worked with with
the DA partner has said, I always ask them, do
you love your wife? Do you love your husband? I
love them so much, of course I love them, But
yet the spouse is over here saying I'm not loved,

(33:47):
and it's like, well, yes, because their trauma responses are
creating a story in you that you're not loved. And yes,
let's be honest, it's not meeting your needs sure, right,
and it's doesn't feel like love to you, and we
can be honest about that. But it doesn't mean that
their subjective experience is not.

Speaker 1 (34:08):
Love, right.

Speaker 2 (34:10):
They do love you, and the way that they have
the capacity to the problem is their low capacity to
love in a healthy way. So that doesn't mean I'm
telling you to stay with them. You don't have to
accept low capacity, but you also don't have to break
your own heart and tell yourself it's because you are
somehow not enough or unworthy or defective or whatever.

Speaker 1 (34:31):
This is why it's so important, like, especially in your
practice and coaching from the lens of attachment, because I
get a lot of messages where people kind of want
to skip over that part.

Speaker 2 (34:42):
Yeah, that luck, good luck come into security.

Speaker 1 (34:44):
Yeah, Like, and you really can't, because in order to
understand yourself on a deep level and understand others, specifically
your partner, you have to have that strongoud, foundational understanding
of all the different attachments, what they mean and what
it looks like, so that you don't break your own heart.

Speaker 2 (35:04):
Right. So awareness helps with that, right when people become
aware that their partner isn't just trying to be mean
by shutting down. They're not trying to stonewall you because
they're mean. They're stonewalling you because their nervous system is
so frozen they don't know what to say, they don't
know what to do. And frozen is a state freeze
or a dorsal veagel shutdown is a state of immobility.

(35:25):
It's a state of I can't right. It's a state
of dissociation. I don't know, I can't I don't know right.
That's why DA say I don't know when you ask
them how they feel. They're frozen, they don't know. They
can't access their emotions, they're associated from them. So yes,
they don't know.

Speaker 1 (35:39):
They've already they don't know.

Speaker 2 (35:40):
They really it doesn't meant to accept.

Speaker 1 (35:42):
It if they continue to choose to not know.

Speaker 2 (35:45):
Right, Because this is the thing. That's why I think
my very first mega mega viral social media post was
debunking if they wanted to, they would because it's not
a want issue, it's a issue. Yeah, and I know,
we've had a whole episode on that, right, So I
don't want to you did.

Speaker 1 (36:05):
I mean there was a whole movie on it, like
he's just not that into you. You could debunk that
whole movie.

Speaker 2 (36:11):
Yeah, And so while I will say, is like in
the dating phases of relationships, Okay, maybe somebody's not that
into you, maybe they're not that physically attracted to you
after a date, and then yeah, they don't want to.
But we're talking about long term relationships. We're talking about
there's already been lots of intimacy. There's already been a
life built with this person, or a relationship with significant

(36:32):
attachment built with this person. They don't all of a
sudden one day be like, you know what, I never
really loved you. I've just been here for shits and giggles. No, yeah, please, no,
absolutely not. They don't just stop wanting to It's it's
not how it works. It's their nervous system becomes so
dysregulated into their unique attachment trauma responses over time that

(36:54):
they don't know how to get out of it.

Speaker 1 (36:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (36:56):
Right, So it's sort of like running for the dismissive avoidance,
like running a marathon, like how do your niece feel
in mile one versus like mile ten or mile whatever.
You know, they wear out over time, Their nervous system
wears out over time, So first they don't have capacity.

Speaker 1 (37:15):
For those partners who maybe are getting that response from
their significant other, like, because I think that happens a lot.
I know that I've spoken to people who've come into
your practice. One in particular that's coming to mind, where
you know, her husband had come to her and just said,
I don't love you, I never did love you. And

(37:35):
you're you know, you're talking about people who had been
married for over ten years, shared three children together, and
he was just kind of checking out. And and I
want to be careful how I say this, because of
course I don't in her experience. I think she was
using maybe some of your practices and the knowledge and
your content to kind of excuse that behavior. And and

(38:00):
so I ask this because I think it's something that
probably a lot of people deal with. And so when
is it okay to excuse it and not excuse it?

Speaker 2 (38:10):
Yeah, so it's never okay to excuse it. It's okay
to understand it and have empathy around it, but never
excusing it. So I would say that that is not
the most common situation that I see. The most common situation,
by far is the DA saying of course I love
my wife or of course I love my husband. Have
I seen cases where people come in and say I

(38:31):
don't love my partner. Yeah, but I've seen it from
all different attachment styles. So people can fall out of love.
But if they fall out of love, they get a divorce.
The people that stay when they still love their partner,
that's why they stay. Right. So when somebody comes up
and says I don't love you, I never loved you,
I want a divorce, okay, maybe that person's a sociopath, yeah,

(38:54):
because it would take, honestly, some sociopathic like dissociation to
have built a life and had children with somebody that
you never ever ever.

Speaker 1 (39:03):
Loved and to be able to buy it out loud.

Speaker 2 (39:05):
I'm not buying it, you know what I am buying
that person deactivated and their deactivating thoughts are so strong,
and we know dismissive.

Speaker 1 (39:13):
Avoidance an affair for okay, there you right?

Speaker 2 (39:16):
Okay, So again, feelings are so transient. That's why you
can't follow them, right, That's why we feel them. And
then decide, we don't just follow the feeling we feel,
and then we use discernment, And so I think this
person probably wasn't feeling. Probably a dismissive avoidant who was

(39:38):
deactivated in their relationship, totally numb to partner, totally feels
like partner was the root of all of their pain
and woes and problems, and they makes them feel like
a brand new person.

Speaker 1 (39:53):
So predictable.

Speaker 2 (39:54):
And then they, you know, say, oh, I never loved
you because you don't make me feel like the affair
partner they did in the beginning. I know they did. Yeah,
that's why the DA fantasizes about their exes. They literally
the phantom X syndrome is so real for the DA.
They fantasize about their ex I'm sitting here like, oh, no,
my DA partners are fantasy and husband math my exes.

Speaker 1 (40:17):
No.

Speaker 2 (40:18):
I do not care if they are or they aren't,
because I love my husband and I couldn't care less honestly.
But it's true. They fantasize about their exes. And I
even know when I was dating a dismissive avoidant, I
know he was still had it for his X, but
he didn't during the divorce. He didn't during the relationship.
It was only and why is it? It's only because

(40:39):
when they truly become unavailable that it feels safe to
have those feelings for them. That's how their nervous system works,
right when someone is unavailable, that's when they start feeling
for them.

Speaker 1 (40:50):
My people are so perplexed and enthralled with the DA,
and I mean it, it actually enthralls me because it
for so many reasons, like that's a painful place to be.

Speaker 2 (41:01):
So painful, like DA has a ton of pain. They
just have this brilliant ability to dissociate from it, which
most of us don't have. Most people walking around with
any other attachment style, secure or fearful or anxious, preoccupied,
they may have some dissociative ability. I'd say the AP
has the least amount, But they can't stay there for

(41:24):
as long as the DA can live like their whole
life there, which is very very interesting to me, because
when you're cut off from negative pain, you're cut off
from joy. Joy is a state of safety, and safe
safety is a state of joy. It's they're intertwined, and
so the DA's deactivating thoughts are what is taken over
here that I don't love you and I never loved

(41:46):
you is a deactivating thought. It's a thought coming from
the wounds around intimacy that are trying to push someone
who learned that intimacy ultimately leads to dismissal or rejection
away from intimacy. Right because I'm sorry. Six months with
an a fair partner is an intimacy. I don't care

(42:07):
how much you've talked about things. I don't care how
much you've had sex with them. You don't know them.

Speaker 1 (42:11):
It's not real.

Speaker 2 (42:12):
You don't know them yet.

Speaker 1 (42:13):
You're living in a fake kind of world anyway.

Speaker 2 (42:16):
The pressures aren't there yet in the first six months.

Speaker 1 (42:19):
I mean not to bring it up because it's been
so viral, but I mean think about you know, the
CEO the Coldplay concert, like in.

Speaker 2 (42:26):
That that guy is the whole shoot.

Speaker 1 (42:28):
I mean that whole situation, I think, and even.

Speaker 2 (42:33):
The wife's letter. The wife's letter showed insecurity, it showed
I'm sorry, but she she was coming across as like
so I don't care, So you're a clown. And that
was fueled by complete and utter.

Speaker 1 (42:49):
I didn't read it.

Speaker 2 (42:49):
Bitterness. Oh girl, you got to google it.

Speaker 1 (42:51):
Hold on his hit. The CEO's wife her statement.

Speaker 2 (42:56):
She should read her statement, read it, google it. They
do this song like Joe Rogan, They pull stuff up.
We need we need we need somebody that can pull
stuff up real quick. We need a little helper. Yeahita,
Andy Byron B.

Speaker 1 (43:10):
Is that his name be y r o N? I
think might be wiker on chat gbt Andy Byron B.

Speaker 2 (43:17):
I b y r o N. I believe, I believe.
I'm sorry if I miss spell that state. Read his
wife's statement. Let's read it, yep, and you tell me
what you think of it. This is my opinion. It's
not defamation. It's my opinion.

Speaker 1 (43:32):
Yes, she's thinking.

Speaker 2 (43:36):
Chatty's thinking, chatty, chatty, Come on, chatty.

Speaker 1 (43:40):
Why she's thinking? I was just gonna say, like, see
if I can pull it up too, Hold on, I'm
just gonna google. Oh yeah, those who expect tears, I
don't crown cry for clowns. I schedule.

Speaker 2 (43:57):
Let's see. Let's read the whole statement.

Speaker 1 (44:00):
Well, this is just a piece, all right. Let's see
a document I rebuild she sounds.

Speaker 2 (44:05):
Formal statement from Megan Byron. Let's see, and of course
it won't is it thinking? It's blurry why okay, here
we go, Come on Instagram, don't family? Now okay, it
has come to my attention, and apparently to the attention
of half the Internet, that my husband, Andrew Byron, has
made certain dot dot dot choices public ones under stadium

(44:27):
lights during a Coldplay concert, a venue not typically associated
with infidelity. But here we are. Let me be perfectly clear.
I am not issuing this statement in defense nor in heartbreak.
I am issuing it in power, in precision, in silk
gloves and sharpened wit. I will not be engaging in
performative forgiveness, nor am I interested in the optics of

(44:49):
quote grace. What Andy has done is not just humiliating.
It's banal. It's common, a man of a man of
ambition brought down by his own astonishing lack of imagination.
I have retained counsel, I have reviewed holdings. I have
reallocated was what was once quote hours into what is
now very cleanly mine. I am not spiraling, I am ascending.

(45:10):
And while Andy may have quoted cold Plate in his statement,
I will simply say when the lights went out, I
saw everything clearly. To those who expect tears, I don't
cry for clowns, I schedule, I document, I rebuild. This
is not revenge, its refinement, and he will feel it
in the silence that follows.

Speaker 1 (45:27):
I actually think that's really powerful.

Speaker 2 (45:30):
I disagree.

Speaker 1 (45:31):
Yeah, I disagree, Why.

Speaker 2 (45:34):
Because I think it's not authentic.

Speaker 1 (45:36):
You think deep down she's really hurt, She's in a
ton of pain.

Speaker 2 (45:40):
Of course, she said she contradicted herself in the entire statement,
this was humiliating, But I don't care. You're telling me
you felt humiliated, but then you don't care. That is
a complete and utter contradiction in and of itself. I
think that is a woman who is very, very angry,
and who wants to portray herself as someone who isn't angry,

(46:01):
who is unbothered by the fact that she was publicly
humiliated all over the internet by her husband. You just
mentioned the word humiliating, but then you also say, but
it's common. So what, I don't cry for clowns. I'm
not buying that you didn't shed a tear, my dear,
And I'm not about to knock her down because look,

(46:21):
in my opinion, her husband is kind of a scumbag. Yeah, okay,
And I don't I don't like cheaters, Okay, because his
and why do I think he's a scumbag? Not just
for cheating people cheat Okay, but his statement in response
lacked accountability, And that's why I think he's kind of
a skuy.

Speaker 1 (46:42):
He could have fallen on the sword.

Speaker 2 (46:43):
He could have fallen on the sword. He just said
what I did.

Speaker 1 (46:45):
He absolutely should he should have.

Speaker 2 (46:46):
He could have said what I did was unacceptable. I
realize now that I've hurt so many people, and I'm
so deeply sorry for everybody. Her marriage sucked, maybe it did.

Speaker 1 (46:54):
Maybe maybe maybe she's like, thank God, I mean, maybe.

Speaker 2 (46:59):
You know what I'm I'm willing to play Devil's advocate here. Yeah,
but I think that I see. I think I read
pain disguised as power.

Speaker 1 (47:09):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (47:10):
Yeah, And I think I think there's enough. Like if
it were me, if this were me, and I was
Megan Byron right and I had to put out a
statement because listen, my husband cheated all over the place
and everybody knew but me, okay, I would say, wow,
this is really really painful, and it does feel humiliating.
And right now I'm really sad, and right now I

(47:31):
feel kind of like I don't know what's coming for
me and how this is going to feel in two
weeks and two months and two years. But ultimately I
believe in myself enough to know that I'm going to
make it through. I think that's more authentic. Then I'm
going to put on my silk gloves and review our
holdings and not cry for clowns.

Speaker 1 (47:49):
Yeah. I wonder if the clowns though, refer to maybe
it's twofold, like refers to her husband and all the
internet trolls.

Speaker 2 (48:00):
Yeah, I mean that could definitely be it for sure.
But here's what I'm saying, right, I don't know how
we got on this tangent.

Speaker 1 (48:08):
Yeah, we were just I don't know either, but but
we can pull it back to the conscious mind.

Speaker 2 (48:12):
The conscious mind, I think that was her conscious mind
trying to override her subconscious mind, which was probably saying, wow,
this is a huge humiliating rejection and it hurts right.
And again, the story, it's the story that we tell ourselves.

(48:33):
And I don't think her story was authentic. I'm just
not getting that vibe. But again, I know Jack nothing
about the intricacies of their marriage, So maybe she's over it.
Maybe she detached from the marriage long ago.

Speaker 1 (48:45):
I mean, we said in an earlier episode were maybe
there was an infidel, I know what, we wanted our
exes to cheat on us so that we could get out.

Speaker 2 (48:53):
Maybe that's how she you know, maybe, And in that case,
I will walk, I will completely retract.

Speaker 1 (49:00):
But I think you make a very valid point because
it does seem a little over the top. And what's
gonna sort of bite her in the butt possibly about
a statement like that is you don't really know what's
coming for you in terms of the emotional pain that
you'll feel through the process of a huge divorce that
I can only imagine what that will look like for

(49:21):
them publicly and financially. You don't know what's to come,
and so she may feel things that she's never felt
before after the fact that she made this really powerful
statement to me.

Speaker 2 (49:33):
That reads emotional suppression. It just reads suppression. It just
reads I don't care, I'm gonna move on, I'm powerful
and whatever it's behind me now. And you know what, girl,
I don't know if you've gone through a divorce before,
but there are many layers and stages of what you
will feel when you go through a divorce, even far
beyond when it's final. And so to me, you know what,

(49:57):
But maybe that's what she needed to do to feel
like she could say face to feel like she did
have something. Just get to the next step, right, But
I think I think that was a curated, conscious story.
I don't think it was an objective truth. And what
I'm trying to teach people to do is to come
to an objective truth. If something vulnerable, no matter how vulnerable,

(50:18):
if something hurts, you admit that it.

Speaker 1 (50:20):
Hurts with no shame.

Speaker 2 (50:22):
With no shame. This hurts, And what am I going
to do about it?

Speaker 1 (50:26):
Yeah, because until you admit that you can't move on,
you can't.

Speaker 2 (50:30):
You're suppressing.

Speaker 1 (50:31):
Yeah, you're suppressing. She needs you.

Speaker 2 (50:35):
Oh mag mag color. I'm here, and I'm not here
to knock you. My god, I can't imagine what I
know what I went through and the humiliation that I
felt just knowing that, like my husband's hometown all knew
that he was cheating on me and I didn't know.
So I can't even imagine what you're going through. So
let me let me backstep and provide some empathy here.

(50:57):
I know she has to be hurting on some level.
I mean, even if she wants out.

Speaker 1 (51:01):
Of the marriage. She's just hurting for her children.

Speaker 2 (51:03):
It out of my marriage and it was still painful.
So it's not always that black and white. And I
just saw a couple the other day where one person
and the couple got into the relationship that they were in.
It was a couple session immediately post divorce, and her

(51:25):
story was I grieved the marriage being over for years
before it was over. But then I saw the level
of attachment dysfunction in the current relationship and it made
me think, but I guess you probably just didn't process.
You probably were suppressing. Right of fearful avoidance and dismissive

(51:48):
avoidance can be guilty of suppressing and then moving on
without having coped and grieved a past relationship properly at all.
I've done it and it ended up disastrous, always does,
and people disagree with me.

Speaker 1 (52:04):
I think.

Speaker 2 (52:04):
One of the most hated videos I had on the
internet was like, give yourself time to grieve a relationship
before you jump into a new relationship. So many people
came at me. I met my husband while I was
still getting a divorce and we're great, Okay, Well you're
probably the exception then, because most of the time people
jump into new relationships as a band aid to their
pain or to a distraction or suppression tool for their pain,

(52:26):
depending upon how it's used.

Speaker 1 (52:27):
I've never seen somebody who I mean, the people that
I know that have gone from one relationship to another
long term relationship are still suffering in their current relationship.

Speaker 2 (52:36):
My year of healing and grieving and fixing myself is
the best decision I've ever made in my entire life,
besides accepting Jesus into my heart and having my kids
and my husband, you know. But in terms of like,
I wouldn't have what I have now if I didn't
do that. And so again this is where the conscious

(52:59):
mind and coming to your an objective truth and my
truth is God's word. Yeah, and that's big for me.

Speaker 1 (53:05):
Because it's going to be my next question. So you
just answered my next question. Like in your experience as
a coach, like what's the one like the one conscious
mindset shift you can make like small, Okay, that can
transform you.

Speaker 2 (53:18):
So if you first you have to learn the power
of observation, and I teach the tools to get there,
because it's not easy. Yeah, go through a whole day
trying to challenge your thoughts and tell me how many
times you actually notice your own thoughts. At first, it's
going to be like zero, and you have to build
upon that skill, just like riding a bike. And there's
some hacks and there's some tricks that I teach, but

(53:38):
you know, ultimately the power of observation has to come first,
and then the power of truth telling has to be there.
So you have to have some standard as to what
to hold your conscious mind against, right if people don't
want to go there. For me personally, it's Christ's commandment's
loving God, loving others, and loving yourself, right like loving

(54:00):
others as yourself, which implies you has to love yourself
because you can't love other people if you hate yourself.
So maybe I should repent saying scumbag because that's kind
of a spirit of accusation. Okay, Satan in Jesus name,
I just rebuke that, and I repent for that because
I don't know the man, and I do what he
did was scumbag ish in his statement. His lack of

(54:21):
accountability was not cool with me. So we'll stick with
the behavior instead of the accusation against the person. Okay,
So my truth is that right, And so I tried
to catch those things, just like I did in this moment,
just right in this moment, I said, wait a second,
I just called somebody I don't know. It's comebag, that's
not loving to my neighbor. I'm going to evaluate the
behavior instead of the person.

Speaker 1 (54:43):
Right.

Speaker 2 (54:43):
I don't like his behavior, right, but I don't know him, right,
And it's not my job to be in an accusation again,
And you.

Speaker 1 (54:49):
Can hold empathy for him while also not agreeing with
what he does. So two things can be true.

Speaker 2 (54:54):
Once, absolutely, he's a flawed human obviously, But of accountability
bothers me quite a bit because I'm all about accountability, right,
and so so I'm gonna hold myself accountable here. But
if you aren't faith based and you know that's not
your jam, you have to have some objective truth. So
I tell people like, look at your values. Do you

(55:15):
consider yourself a kind person? Is that a kind thought?
Is that a kind statement? Is that a kind action? Right?
It starts with a thought if you're a patient person, right,
are these thoughts being patient? Or if you know you
have to have some line in the sand, or else
you can convince yourself that literally anything is true. And
I think That's the hardest thing for my non Christian
clients is like, if they, for example, struggle with jealousy,

(55:39):
then they might always be focusing on like, well, what
if my partner as cheating? What if this means they're cheating?
What if that means they're cheating? And they're like, well,
I don't know if he's cheating. How do I know
for sure? I'm like, You're never going to know for sure.
But what you can do is say what evidence do
I have right now? And I have to live with
whatever evidence I have right now, right And and of

(56:01):
course I think really becoming strong in the relation to
yourself gives you a very good intuition, and so that's
all you can use, right. You can't go back and
forth with the what if. It has to be even if, okay,
even if he's cheating, So then what does that mean
for you? Right? And if you don't have any evidence
that he's cheating, then what does that mean for you?

(56:23):
Why are you? Why are you? I think you need
to creating evidence.

Speaker 1 (56:27):
I think you need to patent the what if to
even if if.

Speaker 2 (56:31):
That's what I well, is that a word patentable?

Speaker 1 (56:34):
If what's her name? Can like do a whole movement
on let them. I feel like you can do a
whole movement on changing what if to even if.

Speaker 2 (56:45):
I mean honestly, that's that's the resilience that secure people
have that insecure people don't. Yeah, secure people are like, Okay,
well even if I guess I'm gonna have to figure.

Speaker 1 (56:56):
It out, Yeah, I'll cope, I'll cope, I.

Speaker 2 (56:58):
Will face it again. It's about being able to face
pain at the end of the day. Secure attachment is
like secure people face their pain. Insecure people don't know how.
They run from it, They band aid it, they suppress it,
They do everything under the sun except face it. And
you will only heal if you freaking open the door
and look at the monster in the closet, which is

(57:19):
your pain, which is your past, which is your shame,
which is everything.

Speaker 1 (57:23):
And is your conscious mind, which.

Speaker 2 (57:25):
Yeah, yeah, it starts with your thoughts. And then the
only way to change the subconsciousness through experience. So if
you change your conscious mind, you will bring about new
experiences that will then rewire the subconscious mind. Right, So
it starts with the cost, starts with the conscious mind.

Speaker 1 (57:40):
That's right.

Speaker 2 (57:41):
If that is exactly right, that's exactly why I'm doing
this episode because you can't directly go in and change
the subconscious. The subconscious only learns through your fault experiences.
So if you can change your conscious mind to create
different fault experiences, that's going to rewire the subconscious. And
that ultimately is how attachment healing works over time and
strengthens over time.

Speaker 1 (58:00):
And this is exactly what Doctorhinsley teaches in her hybrid
group program.

Speaker 2 (58:03):
So much more and so so much more and many
actual real tools and strategies to get you there quickly.

Speaker 1 (58:09):
I mean, I'd listened to you talk on these episodes
that are really scientifically based, and I'm always so enthralled
and always feel like I walk away learning something from them.
So I can only imagine hopefully our listeners feel the
same way. Because I've been friends with her for like
eight years or seven years. We had our Facebook friendship
anniversary yesterday.

Speaker 2 (58:30):
I don't think I was even on Facebook history.

Speaker 1 (58:32):
I wasn't really either, but I saw it. It was
like the first thing that popped up when I got
them last night. Yeah, and it was actually seven years
friends of versary. But I mean, even after seven years,
I feel like I gained so much. I need to
go back through your hybrid group again, because it's it's
imperative and the things that you teach and the things
that you can learn.

Speaker 2 (58:53):
It's you can change your life.

Speaker 1 (58:55):
You can you can changange life in so many ways,
in so many ways. And so if you are looking
to learn the skills that doctor Hinsley just went over,
I won't even try to replicate all the things she said.
She's got that big brain energy over here and I'm
just over here like, oh my gosh, like just so
mind blowing. Please go see her at the lovedoc dot com.

(59:19):
For all of our listeners, we offer a special promo
code love Doc twenty seven for twenty seven percent off
any of her courses, any of her groups, and also
any of Coach Elizabeth's groups. So please go check that out.
And please, while you're at it, go check out our
patreons account. Please. We love you guys, and we love
those of you that listen every week. We are so thankful,

(59:42):
We're so grateful. Like this, We've said it all that,
we say it all the time, but this is absolutely
our favorite thing.

Speaker 2 (59:47):
Today, favorite thing about what I do, favorite.

Speaker 1 (59:50):
And I want to grow it. We want to grow
it and like, just share it with your friends.

Speaker 2 (59:54):
Yes, share it please, if you find something valuable you know,
send the link to your friends. We would be honored
if you shared us with your friends because we want
to ultimately help people. Ultimately help people feel better in
their own skin and in their own lives, and in
their own relationships and with their relationship to theirselves.

Speaker 1 (01:00:10):
And feel, you know, feel relatable. Like we always want
to be very relatable. Obviously we're best friends, but we
want to be best friends with all of you too,
So please go check us out and go see doctor
Hinsley at the loovedoc dot com. And until next time, peace,
love and perspective

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Episode 12, Season II - "Mastering the Conscious Mind – The Key to Directing Your Life and Relationships"

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode 12, Season II - "Mastering the Conscious Mind – The Key to Directing Your Life and Relationships"