Episode 35 | The Fearful Avoidant

Hosted by Dr. Sarah Hensley, Specialized Social Psychologist, Attachment Theory Expert, and Founder & CEO of The Dating Decoder with Co-host Raina Butcher, Owner/CEO of Joyful Consulting, LLC. 

Welcome to "The Love Doc Podcast" where Host Dr. Sarah Hensley and her co-host Raina Butcher dive deep into the intricacies of love, attraction, attachment, relationships, and self-awareness. Dr. Hensley brings a wealth of knowledge and experience to help listeners navigate the complexities of modern romance. In each episode, Dr. Hensley tackles burning questions about love, relationships, and the mind’s complexities, drawing from her psychological research, real-life experiences, and her own individual expertise, to provide insightful perspectives and practical advice.

Episode 35: The Fearful Avoidant

In episode 35 of The Love Doc Podcast, Dr. Hensley dives deep into the world of the Fearful Avoidant (FA) attachment style, the most complex and variable of all attachment types. Known in earlier psychological frameworks as disorganized attachment, FAs oscillate between seeking closeness and pulling away, leaving both themselves and their partners in a cycle of confusion and pain.

What Makes the Fearful Avoidant Unique?

Dr. Hensley explains that FAs are the hardest attachment style to pinpoint because they embody traits from both anxious and avoidant types. Their deep inner conflict is rooted in a profound trust and betrayal wound, which makes it challenging for them to feel secure in relationships.
• The Push-Pull Dynamic: FAs often seek connection, craving closeness, but then feel misunderstood or betrayed and instinctively push their partner away. This paradox creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows in their romantic relationships.

Where Attachment Begins: The Childhood of an FA

Dr. Hensley traces the origins of FA attachment back to childhood, often shaped by the most trauma-filled environments. These traumas can include:
• Big T traumas (e.g., abuse, neglect, abandonment).
• Little T traumas (e.g., invalidation, inconsistency, emotional neglect).

She also emphasizes that FAs typically grow up with at least one emotionally dysfunctional caregiver, further complicating their ability to trust and feel safe.

The Role of Parents:
• Same-gender parent: Science suggests this parent leaves the deepest imprint on the child’s attachment patterns.
• Both parents: Combined, their behaviors create the template that teaches the FA that love is not safe, leading to deep-seated trust and betrayal wounds.

The Negative Traits of an FA

Dr. Hensley breaks down the challenging traits of FAs, especially how they manifest in adult romantic relationships:
1. Hypervigilance:
• FAs are highly attuned to subtle cues but often catastrophize them.
• This makes them extremely sensitive and easily triggered, as their deep wounds leave them vulnerable to perceived rejection or betrayal.
2. Trauma Responses:
• Anxious-leaning FAs tend to react with anger and heightened emotional reactivity.
• Avoidant-leaning FAs often dissociate, emotionally shutting down after feeling they’ve tried too hard for too long.
3. Negative Bias in Relationships:
• FAs often approach their romantic relationships with a belief that betrayal is inevitable, leading to high levels of criticism and difficulty repairing conflicts.
4. Poor Partner Choices:
• Subconscious patterns often lead FAs to pick emotionally unavailable or harmful partners, such as other FAs, dismissive avoidants, narcissists, or individuals struggling with substance abuse.

The Positive Traits of an FA

Despite their challenges, FAs possess incredible strengths, especially once they begin healing:
1. High Empathy:
• Their ability to deeply understand and feel for others allows them to create