Episode 41 | Friendship in Your Forties

Hosted by Dr. Sarah Hensley, Specialized Social Psychologist, Attachment Theory Expert, and Founder & CEO of The Dating Decoder with Co-host Raina Butcher, Owner/CEO of Joyful Consulting, LLC. 

Welcome to "The Love Doc Podcast" where Host Dr. Sarah Hensley and her co-host Raina Butcher dive deep into the intricacies of love, attraction, attachment, relationships, and self-awareness. Dr. Hensley brings a wealth of knowledge and experience to help listeners navigate the complexities of modern romance. In each episode, Dr. Hensley tackles burning questions about love, relationships, and the mind’s complexities, drawing from her psychological research, real-life experiences, and her own individual expertise, to provide insightful perspectives and practical advice.

Episode 41: Friendship in Your Forties 

Friendship, like any other relationship, can be complex to navigate—especially as you grow, heal, and move toward attachment security. In this episode of The Love Doc Podcast, Dr. Sarah Hensley and co-host Raina Butcher take a deep dive into how friendships evolve once you’ve reached emotional security, why some friendships don’t survive, and what true friendship really looks like.

While the title suggests a focus on friendships in your 40s, this episode is relevant for anyone, regardless of age, because friendship dynamics shift as we mature, heal, and redefine our boundaries.

How Friendships Change with Attachment Security

Dr. Hensley explains that once you achieve attachment security, your standards for friendship change. You become more intentional about the relationships you maintain, prioritizing mutual respect, peace, and personal growth. She breaks down what you will and won’t stand for in friendships once you’ve reached this level of emotional health, including:
• Setting Boundaries – You no longer tolerate one-sided friendships, lack of reciprocity, or emotional drain.
• A No-Drama Policy – You disengage from gossip, toxicity, and unnecessary conflict.
• Caring Less About What Others Think – You prioritize your inner peace over external validation.
• Protecting Your Peace at All Costs – You release friendships that feel heavy, draining, or unsupportive.

Personal Experiences & People-Pleasing in Friendships

Both Dr. Hensley and Raina open up about friendships they’ve lost after achieving attachment security. Raina shares that she’s still struggling with people-pleasing tendencies in her friendships, and Dr. Hensley helps her unpack the root cause—attachment wounds that make it hard to say no or risk losing connection.

Dr. Hensley emphasizes that true friendship isn’t about sacrificing your well-being to keep others happy. Instead, secure friendships allow for honesty, mutual respect, and space for each person to grow.

The Evolution of Their Own Friendship

Dr. Hensley and Raina reflect on how their own friendship has deepened as they’ve both grown in emotional security. What started as a friendship built on common interests has transformed into something much deeper—rooted in trust, honesty, and emotional safety.

Dr. Hensley shares how, before reaching attachment security, she relied on a “Rolodex” of friends to vent to or help soothe her emotions. Now, using the self-regulation tools she teaches in her coaching practice, she no longer seeks friendships as a form of emotional outsourcing. Instead, she views friendship as a space for mutual support and respect, rather than an emotional dumping ground.

Why Friendships End When One Person Becomes Secure

One of the most eye-opening parts of the conversation is how friendships can mirror romantic relationships. Dr. Hensley explains that just like in romantic relationships, friendships often break down when one person becomes attachment secure and the other remains stuck in insecurity.

She and Raina discuss a hard truth:
• Some friendships don’t end because of conflict; they end because one person grows and the other doesn’t.
• Not all friends want to see you succeed. True friendship isn’t just about supporting someone in hard times; it’s also about celebrating their wins without jealousy or resentment.

Friendship Among Men & Friendships Lost in Divorce

Dr. Hensley also touches on the unique struggles men face in maintaining friendships later in life. She explains that:
• Men often struggle with emotional depth in friendships compared to women.
• Many male friendships are activity-based, making it harder to find deep, emotionally secure friendships.
• Divorce often leads to friendship losses, as mutual friends take sides or the shifting dynamic makes maintaining friendships more complicated.

God’s Role in Friendship & Letting Go

As always, Dr. Hen