October 16, 2025 • 35 mins
Co-Host Emily McKay (https://www.deservewhatyouwant.com) Well, here's the first thing you can figure out, just from the title: Emily and I are obviously not disappointed enough in each other to avoid such a touchy topic. BUT...maybe that's a clue why this relational disappointment thing never gets talked about much. So what are we actually covering here? I mean, isn't it unrealistic to get into a relationship thinking everything is always going to be perfect and ideal? That brings up the concept of "macro-disappointments" vs. "micro-disappointments". And what about other couple's Facebook highlight reels that only show the shiny, happy stuff? Is that driving unreasonable disappointment on the part of the rest of us? Is there really such thing as "the seven-year itch", and if so is it more about disappointment or boredom? And hey, wait a minute. Isn't boredom disappointing? Does long-term disappointment usually start right at the beginning of a relationship? Why is that? And what about this business of "spicing up a relationship"? How does that work to ward off potential disappointment? Why is being each other's best friend a magic elixir to cure disappointment? What if what causes disappointment is legitimately beyond the control of the disappointing partner? What if a partner is intentionally disappointing, and expecting to get away with it? Why does being "nice" disappoint WAGs? How do couples put their relationship at blatant risk for disappointment? Why is comfort the enemy of marriage excitement? Finally, what if you're actually IN a deeply disappointing relationship. Now what? And by the way, is it any wonder that Rupert Holmes was a "one hit wonder"? Check out https://mountaintoppodcast.com and get in on the daily newsletter and tons of other goodies.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Alright everybody, how's it going?
This is your main man Scot McKay.
And I'm Emily McKay.
And we're coming at you with another episode of The Big Show.
Today we're going to talk about an uncomfortable topic, but it's one we never coveredbefore.
And I know it's one that a lot of couples face.
Emily, what if you're disappointed?
That would be bad.
(00:22):
That would be a disappointment.
Well, Yeah.
Now the first thing that I want to mention though is
is it really possible to go through an entire long-term relationship without anydisappointment whatsoever?
Should we be that Pollyannaishly optimistic at the front end of a relationship as if thisis going to be the honeymoon period and nobody could do any wrong forever and ever, de los
(00:48):
siglos, a los siglos, and we're all going to just be perfect?
Or is that just setting ourselves up for failure?
I mean, that's probably the first question to ask.
Well, I don't know.
think every girl dreams of that ever...
happy ever after.
And everyone's searching for that and expecting to accomplish that.
And then reality hits.
(01:09):
And what's the reality?
The reality is you can't maintain it.
Reality is underwear on the bathroom floor.
Toothpaste open and yes.
Make me a sandwich.
Dirty dishes.
And speaking of the...
Farts.
Especially the farts.
Although the women aren't immune from the farts.
What are you talking about?
(01:30):
Speak for yourself.
you know, I remember when I was a kid, my friends and I were talking about this.
Like, do women fart?
No.
Like, when you have a girlfriend someday, will she actually fart?
And we were thinking, gosh, that sounds incredibly impossible.
And then certainly, like you just said, reality hits.
And you realize, wow, even if they do fart, it doesn't smell like a powder puff orsomething.
(01:50):
It's still nasty.
Oh, yes.
The little splatters
on the mirror, speaking of toothpaste, from like brushing your teeth and like flinging iteverywhere.
That's a minor disappointment.
I don't know if that would really even count as a disappointment in the grand scheme ofbeing in a relationship though, because everybody's going to be human and everybody's
(02:11):
going to have human frailties and we're all going to make a mistake here and there.
That doesn't count as a disappointment, does it?
Well, if you're disappointed on the bigger scope of things, the little things are going toreally eat at you.
Isn't that something?
talk more about that because it's true.
Well, if you're disappointed maybe that your guy's cheating on you or maybe he's not doingit...
even if he's faithful I mean maybe he's you know missing the mark in some grandiose waythat you wanted him to be you know doing it perfect so that all the little things seems to
(02:41):
bother you maybe he's you know eating a sandwich really loud and noisy Yeah didn'tMichelle Obama just recently say that's just what bothers the bejeebers out of her about
Barack?
I must have missed that one.
Yeah, that's what she said.
It meant like viral because it's like, my gosh, they have something that pisses them offabout each other.
They're normal.
They're human.
(03:01):
Yeah, it's normal.
It's so maybe they left their shoes, you know, in the, in the walkway rather than puttingthem, you know, on the little shelf that they belong on.
It could be anything, but it's all those little things really become magnified.
Right.
I mean, I can ship.
Well, I can ship myself out
if I don't like who I'm married to, I guess.
(03:23):
But I can also trip over the shoes if they're left in the hallway while I'm scrambling tothe bathroom in the middle of the night or something.
Break an arm.
Yeah, well, that would be really bad.
That would be especially disappointing.
The medical bills would be disappointing.
I know, right?
But you know, you're on to something.
When there's a major disappointment, those little minor irritations, thosemicroaggressions, right?
(03:47):
They become macroaggressions.
They become amplified like you did this again, you know, because you're in the mood topile on someone who's disappointing you.
And it's easier to avoid the real problem because if you, I mean, heaven forbid, weactually look at the real problem because then we have to fix it.
it's easier to look at the small problems.
(04:09):
We are human.
you look at the real problem.
Whatever.
See, I knew I was in trouble when we started doing this.
Yes, because I'm funny.
And so she married me and she knew she was in trouble.
That's way it is.
Yeah, this is a fraught conversation.
I wonder how many dating relationship advice couples would dare to do this.
That's a scary topic.
(04:30):
Because imagine this.
Let's say you're a couple and you're doing dating and relationship advice and you'retrying to put up this nice front that everything's fine.
You know, with the fam, you're all good, but really decently enough, you know, like allother people, you're, you're having a little bit of an issue there.
There's a little bit of a disappointment, but then you get on a podcast like this andpeople can just feel that tension.
(04:56):
can cut it with a knife that these two, there's something up with these two and therereally is a major disappointment and it's getting kind of ugly.
As a matter of fact, I spoke at a conference one time and they had a couple up there.
who were a dating advice couple.
And I had never met them before.
They were both very nice.
But I was sitting next to a fellow dating coach and I whispered in her ear while they wereup there doing their thing, something's up with those two.
(05:20):
Somebody cheated on somebody and it's never been really healed.
And she just kind of looked at me and went, oh my gosh, you're absolutely right.
That's exactly it.
Because you could just feel...
Distance.
Tension and distance while they were trying to kind of be a couple doing their thing.
Oh, that's painful.
So Yeah, they weren't even talking about that.
(05:41):
They were talking about, you know, this wonderful, happy relationship you can have.
And yet, you know, here we are, where angels fear to tread once again, like we typicallydo, talking about being disappointed in a relationship.
Well, that would be more disappointing to have to go up there and pretend to be happywhenever you know you're in a disappointing relationship.
Yeah, it's like you're not admitting to the disappointment.
(06:03):
putting on a display of happiness and having to maintain it has to be stressful.
Right, exactly.
And you know, I bet you a lot of couples do this for the sake of the extended family.
We can't let mom and dad or in-laws know that we're suffering.
For the children, have to put on this pretty little bow on it.
(06:24):
Maybe for the co-workers or the friends, you know people put on...
they pretend that they're...
They play fake their life They play with the Facebook reel.
Yeah the Facebook reel.
Everything is amazing.
But not really.
If you got to know us.
Well, actually we're not going to invite you over the house.
You're not gonna come over for dinner Because if we did that ermagerd, you'd seeeverything that's wrong.
(06:47):
Actually, I remember one time I talked to a guy and he went and visited a couple.
You know, he was a part of our organization that was not for profit and we worked withkids and he went and visited the couple, you know, we were working with their kids and
they were donors.
So they were pretty wealthy and everything was fine at dinner.
(07:09):
They were so happy.
Everything was perfectly cooked, you know, all perfectly clean and you know, the tablesettings and everything.
And it was, you know, please pass the Grey Poupon, you know.
Two weeks later, one of them filed for divorce.
Oh my goodness.
Talk about cray cray.
I mean, under the surface, something was really, really broken.
(07:30):
But they had the wherewithal to make sure everything just looked fantastic to the outsideworld.
A lot of couples do that.
That's not very honest.
And it's not going to heal the problem if you don't even acknowledge it.
Well, I think it's embarrassing to admit to the world that maybe it feels like we failed.
Or maybe it's embarrassing to us because we feel if we admit it to ourselves, we feel likewe failed.
(07:53):
We've let down that dream.
Yeah, it's humiliating.
And there's a grieving process too.
If you really wanted that perfect pictured life, which is by the way impossible.
Well, we've already gotten to that.
And then you finally have to admit to it and either you settle into reality and go, OK,you know what?
Let's look at what really is working here.
(08:15):
What's great about what I got?
Maybe it's not as disappointing as I think it is.
Maybe my perspective in it is wrong.
Yeah, maybe we're too idealistic.
We're expecting everything to be perfect.
That sounds like an earmark of immaturity to me.
Like when couples get married really early.
Maybe that's why there's a seven year itch.
(08:35):
A seven year itch?
Is that seven year itch built around disappointment or boredom?
Or all the above?
Or boredom will be disappointing?
Yeah.
All of that.
No, not me.
You asked like, Yeah, really?
No, I'm almost 20 years in.
(08:57):
Yes.
And I'm not itchy yet.
No eczema, no psoriasis, no nothing.
Well, I'm thinking the seven year itch, people get married in their 20s, right?
They're still immature.
They're growing and figuring things out.
And we still haven't really figured out the world for that matter yet that there is nosuch thing as
the perfect happily ever after, we are still fantasizing that it does.
(09:21):
And seven years into it, it's like, okay, where are we now?
You know, where did I want to be?
And where did I land?
And wait, the idealistic picture isn't quite there.
And then all the little things start to bother us.
And I'm thinking maybe that's where the seven year itch starts to happen.
Well, I mean, it's fictional.
As they start to mature.
Yeah, I mean, it's a nice Marilyn Monroe movie.
(09:43):
I don't know if everybody
is going to by nature have a seven year itch.
Maybe it's kind of like six seven eight years it's about it's there i think it really doesexist for most couples.
Yeah, probably to some degree.
Maybe here's why.
Maybe it's because after seven or eight years of life all of us evolve yes we're nevergoing to be who we were seven or eight years ago.
(10:06):
Five years ago maybe.
Seven years ago...
Probably not.
If it gets to the 10 or 12 year, dozen year itch, Yeah, you know what?
You're not who you were 10 or 12 years ago.
You've evolved in some way.
We're different.
Yeah.
I think we've evolved for the better.
Yeah.
And together for that matter.
Sure.
People grow, they can either grow apart or they make the effort to do what they can togrow together.
(10:29):
Yeah.
We were both pretty mature and we'd been kicked around the block some when we met eachother.
So I think we didn't have
idealistic, unrealistic expectations for each other.
We just met each other and got along great and liked each other a lot and we're bestfriends and here we still are.
Maybe that's why we didn't get the seven-year itch because well we didn't have theidealistic ideas there.
(10:54):
Well actually I was divorced after seven years but that was probably not because of anitch that was because of some full-blown
some kind of other illness other than a mere itch.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that was like a seven year, you know, complete total inflammation.
There you go.
That's a good description.
(11:15):
But enough about me.
ah I think when it comes to people feeling disappointed, it all started when they met eachother and they settled for each other.
I think it would be hard to be disappointed in someone you chose.
If it got to the point where
Hey, my biological clock's ticking, she says.
(11:38):
And he's like, Yeah, they're all pressuring me on my side of the family to get married.
And I guess I better settle down, et cetera.
You know, when you settle down, you settle for someone.
And when people get married out of convenience, or God forbid a green card's in theresomewhere, or because they just don't have a whole lot of options, which we talk about
(11:58):
constantly around here, then you know what?
They're setting themselves up for this disappointment because frankly they're disappointedgoing into this thing and they're just not honest with each other about it yet.
No, that's, that's, that would be devastating.
It is devastating.
Yeah.
But I think besides just that type of disappointment, I think sometimes people go into itand they get into a rut, you know, the daily routines.
(12:26):
Not to be confused with going into heat.
Well, they get to where you, you you wake up, you go to work, you do this, you do that,and nothing changes.
It just becomes, and then you kind of lose the excitement.
And when you lose the excitement, disappointment starts to set in.
Yeah.
You know, you need to keep your marriage spicy.
(12:46):
Don't you?
They always say, say you have to spice up your relationship.
You know, you got to date your wife, keep going on adventures, which is something you andI've been pretty good at with the family, right?
Even as we start having more children.
The adventures keep going.
Um, you hit on something earlier, which was being each other's best friend.
(13:08):
It's hard to be disappointed in your best friend.
You can be disappointed in their actions.
And you know, when we're talking about infidelity or abusive behavior, I don't thinkthat's disappointment.
I think that's that's brokenness and that's trauma and that's gotta be healed.
What I'm talking about here for the purposes of this show, what we're talking about
(13:29):
in this show, is you're in a relationship and it just didn't pan out the way you wanted itto.
No one's hurting each other.
No one's being abusive.
No one's cheating.
It's just, you know what?
I'm starting to press my nose against the glass looking at the greener pastures out there.
Right.
Well, some people experience trauma within the relationship.
(13:50):
Maybe they lost a child.
Maybe they've lost a career or a job or health.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh, health could definitely lead to huge disappointments.
Well, I think you don't have, you don't have all the adventures you could experiencebecause you're limited.
Well, I think you bring up an excellent point because that's another whole angle ondisappointment.
(14:12):
I'm not necessarily disappointed in my partner.
I'm disappointed that we're never going to be able to do the things we had planned ondoing.
And, you know, I hear this a lot when couples, one of them gets sick.
One of them is, uh you know, God forbid, ah got terminal cancer and they have to saygoodbye.
(14:33):
And there was so much of this story that didn't get written.
And I think you have to hide your disappointment if you're the one left behind becauseyou're trying to help this person move on because you're their best friend, in happiness
and peace as much as you can.
Yeah, I hear a lot from widowed people that, man, we had so much more of this story towrite and,
(14:55):
now here I am picking up the pieces instead of writing the story.
That's legitimate disappointment.
And I think grief and that whole process is probably a good topic for maybe our nextpodcast together.
Not a happy one, but a necessary one.
But let's go back to the couples who, you know, we're in this.
(15:16):
We've made a commitment to each other, but I was just, I don't know.
I don't feel like I'm being so
Pollyanna ish or so idealistic or unrealistic.
I just really was hoping for more.
Maybe the partner promised more and they're not delivering.
You you have a guy who said, honey, I'll always provide and protect.
And, he goes out and gets drunk and leaves the family for three days and he's, you know,perpetually unemployed, refusing to go get a job.
(15:45):
You could argue I haven't had a job for 20 years, but that's a little different.
Somehow the bills get paid.
But, um,
You know, that makes a woman feel less secure and less safe and it makes her loseattraction because that's how femininity is wired.
Right.
Or it could be that he's become he or say from a guy's perspective, maybe he's becomevery, you know, non masculine, you know, the world's...
(16:12):
He softened up on us.
Yes.
Where he doesn't speak up, you know, so and, you know, violates the family in some way orsomething.
Maybe they they cheated them out of some monies.
And he's afraid to speak up and say, Hey, you know, you didn't really change thecarburetor in that thing.
Why are you charging me $400?
He's Mr.
Nice Guy.
Exactly.
That's a huge disappointment to women.
(16:32):
Yeah.
Or maybe the woman has lost her femininity and she's acting very, you know, masculine andtrying to take his, for lack of a better word, taking his balls away.
Well, taking his role from him.
Yes.
Like, Hey, you know what?
I got a better job.
You stay at home with the kids, but honey, what about my career?
I have
ambition.
(16:53):
I'm a man.
No, no, no.
This is just a season.
The season turns into a decade and a half.
Yeah, someone's going to be disappointed.
Probably the guy.
And deep down, perhaps, latently, the woman.
The woman, too.
Yeah.
I mean, can the stay at home dad thing work?
I mean, we've seen it work.
Yeah.
But I really think there's a risk there because of how masculinity and femininity dancetogether that there's going to be there's going to be some disappointment.
(17:21):
I like how you put it, that is a risk.
There's a risk there.
It can be successful, but you have to kind of ask yourself that the success rate is solow.
Do we really want to risk that?
Yeah.
I mean, you're risking trouble in your marriage.
It's like, Hey honey, I finally went out and got a job.
I'm managing a strip club.
(17:42):
You know, that would perhaps open us up if that were the case to a disappointing futurebecause
I'm putting myself in harm's way as far as this relationship's going.
Yeah, putting in jeopardy.
Yeah.
So maybe being a stay at home dad is maybe not as visceral an example thereof, but anexample nonetheless.
(18:06):
Well, uh temporarily, things do happen where guys do have to take over the role of takingcare of the kids.
Mom happens to be the one who has the job that's paying the bills.
But to leave it in that status quo,
for decades.
I think that's where, no, there has to be a goal.
There has to be a plan to make things change there.
(18:26):
That's a good question.
Does comfort lead to disappointment in a marriage?
We're just kind of coasting.
In a rut.
In a rut, as opposed to being in heat.
And we're going to have to spice this thing up.
Now, people have stereotypical notions of spicing things up.
(18:47):
We're going to change our sex positions and where we have sex and go on more dates.
You know, you're looking at me with those dreamy eyes.
And yet an adventure is anything that takes you out of that comfort zone.
It could be leaving your zip code and going on a hike or doing something you've never donebefore.
That's just an outing.
may not even be expensive.
(19:08):
I remember one time you and I tried riding a bicycle built for two.
Oh gosh.
That was an adventure.
It was a little scary.
Terrifying.
Yeah.
So for you, it's a lot of trust being on the second seat of a bicycle built for two, isn'tit?
Yes.
People don't realize that.
But that's just an example of something that's just not a huge undertaking, but can save amarriage because you're not going to be disappointed.
(19:36):
You'll come home, you'll laugh together and you'll have fun.
And, you know, to be completely honest with you, it seems to me fun and laughter
are almost like a magical elixir to ward off disappointment.
Yes.
I mean, I don't want to be too naive.
It can also be a band-aid to hide disappointment.
(19:59):
Oh, yeah, it's a way to avoid it.
Let's spice up the relationship in the bed or with adventures, but let's ignore theunderlying problem, such as being able to share.
what problems might be existing in the relationship such as, let's say if the family, thehusband isn't supporting for whatever reason, maybe he lost his job and now he's taking
(20:25):
care of the kids and he's afraid to say anything to her or maybe she's afraid to say, hey,know, whatever feelings might be coming from that.
And so because they're afraid of hurting each other's feelings, they stay quiet and thatgrows to be something bigger and bigger down the road.
Or if I'm going to be quiet about this, I'll be quiet about another issue.
And if I'm quiet on that issue, I'm going to be quiet on a third issue.
(20:46):
Yeah, it kind of builds.
It gets bottled up.
And then before you know it, you don't even know you had those issues.
Or you don't realize you've stopped talking and communicating, and then the disappointmentreally sets in hard.
Yeah, or else those disappointments have grown to such proportion that you can't bringthem up, because it would be like uncorking that warm bottle of Diet Coke that you just
(21:07):
shook up all those years.
Yeah, the best time to talk about disappointments is when they're tiny disappointments.
Hey, know, lately I've been disappointed in the fact that you don't keep the door closedwhen you use the bathroom.
That's little.
We can talk about that.
But if it becomes this mountain of little pebbles that have mounted up over time, andfinally, when a big rock hits it, right.
(21:31):
Everything comes uncorked and it's like, here it is.
I'm sick of your face, you know, and then you're in divorce court and then you say thingsthat
you can't unsay.
That is why if there's little disappointments, we have to get past that Pollyanna-ishidealism, right?
That drives a lot of young marriages or new marriages.
(21:55):
And certainly people 50 years old or older can meet each other and go, my gosh, you're mysoulmate I never had.
Finally, I met you.
And they can start making excuses for these disappointments because they don't want tobring them up.
They want to pretend they're not there.
They want to make everything perfect when it's never going to be.
But meanwhile, if we actually express our disappointments, we actually become closer andmore intimate and become...
(22:17):
we become more like best friends.
Right.
And you know, and if you tell me your disappointments of, you know, don't like it when youput the toothbrush next to the hairbrush, making something up.
When you put the...
put the toothbrush
on the hairbrush or use your hairbrush as a toothbrush.
There you go.
It's going to be some disappointment with that one.
(22:39):
Brush the dog's teeth with your husband's.
Why are we laughing at that?
Why would we laugh?
Why would that example come up?
Let's go with it.
Yes, let's run with that one because it can be you could fill in the XYZ with whatever youwant there.
So I'll just make one up.
OK, we'll make it comedy.
Yes, we'll home a few bars.
(23:00):
So.
Let's say I brush the dog's teeth with your toothbrush.
I know why you're laughing, because you could see it happening.
Yes, I wouldn't, I promise.
Our kids are a little too old to get away with that, but they'd try.
my gosh, Yeah, probably.
Y'all, we're at the gremlins have invaded our house stage with our two youngest.
(23:21):
In other words, something blatant happened.
Like all the lights were left on all night or someone tried to use Discord on my workcomputer,
or didn't flush the bathroom for the fourth time.
And, you know, The Family Circus, Bill Keane...
When he used to write comics about the "Not Me Gremlin".
Yeah, Yeah.
There's a poem that's the Not Me.
(23:43):
Yeah.
Mr.
Nobody.
Yeah.
Mr.
Nobody, the Not Me Gremlin has set up shop.
I think he lives in the walls somewhere in this house because, boy, does he rule theplace.
Not me.
I didn't do it.
I was like, come on.
Someone had to do it.
So to get to my point, so the things that let's say for whatever, whatever that item orwhatever that problem is that's bothering you.
(24:08):
I would much rather you tell me, you know, I appreciate all that you do, but you know,when you do this, it kind of bothers me.
Could we possibly visit the idea of maybe not doing that?
You know, I may get upset or I might whatever my reaction might be to whether big or smallthis thing is.
That's okay.
(24:29):
I'd rather you be brave.
Be brave about how my reaction's gonna be.
Man up and disappoint me.
Yeah.
And let me feel those emotions and then we move forward and we fix it.
Or vice versa, you know?
And I think healthy couples can do that.
Well, I agree.
And I think healthy couples start off building that habit and they keep that habitfine-tuned over the course of their time together.
(24:54):
Over the course of a long-term relationship.
and they teach that to their kids.
So I shouldn't be hiding those Amazon boxes?
Hiding the Amazon boxes?
This is the first I've heard of that.
Tell me more.
Well, if I tell you about it, you'll be upset.
I'd be disappointed.
Why would I be disappointed in you hiding?
(25:16):
I mean you do collect egg cartons right?
I don't know what I mean like deliveries, you know when the Amazon people or the UPS truckkeeps
bringing box after box.
Oh, you mean you bring in things I've been waiting on for like three days off the frontporch and throw them in the closet and forget to tell me they came?
That would be majorly disappointing.
Like I go on a shopping spree and to hide my shopping spree, I hide the boxes.
(25:37):
Well, all of the above that we've been talking about for about the past minute or soclassifies as cruel and unusual abuse.
That's not just mere disappointment.
That means we need to go see a therapist.
You can't be doing that.
There's jokes like that.
I know.
They're not funny.
Alright.
They are because I don't do it!
So we talked about how to, Yeah, that's true.
(25:58):
You don't do that.
Everybody's pretty transparently waiting for the door and see what the mailman or theAmazon guy or the UPS guy brings today.
Lots of fun.
And, um, and about third of it gets sent back anyway, especially your doggy stuff.
You buy doggy stuff and it's like, nah, that isn't going to work.
I keep waiting for Amazon to just pull our account and go, you people return too much.
(26:21):
You're not allowed.
You're not allowed to, they're disappointed.
See our relationship has disappointed Amazon, ladies and gentlemen, which is probably agood thing.
You know, we're, sticking it to the man around here.
Alright.
So, so far we've talked about what to do, how to be transparent, how to avoid turningminor disappointments into big dustups later on.
(26:44):
And we've also talked about how to avoid a relationship where you're setting yourselves upto be disappointed.
Settling.
Yeah, right.
Not settling.
We talk about never ever settling around here.
But what if someone's listening to this and they're there?
They're in a relationship.
You know, the title of this caught their eye and it's like, alright McKays, now what?
Here I am.
How do you dig out of a disappointment ditch?
(27:07):
Well, that's that's a big one.
So I would start first with remembering where it all started.
The honeymoon stage.
And I think that's the reason why we have honeymoon stages.
So that when the rough times come, and I'm not saying if, they all do, everyone has arough time at some point in their marriage or relationship.
But when those rough times comes, you need to go back and revisit mentally the happy dayswhen you first met, the sparks, the butterflies that you had in your stomach.
(27:37):
The pictures, the videos.
Yeah, uh the wonderful moments you shared, what brought you together, what bonded youtogether.
And start from there.
The clothes you used to wear if you can still fit in them.
I'm laughing because...
That's another whole level of disappointment there, you know.
But I would start there and move forward.
(27:57):
OK, so what...
Where are we now and how can we get back to that place?
Because if you were happy, wonderful couple together, Yeah, there's no reason why youcan't get there if you both decide together as a couple that you're still dedicated to
making this work.
I really think that's excellent advice and.
here's what's going on in my head relative to that.
(28:20):
I think a lot of times life kind of grabs us and lulls us into an attitude change thatisn't good for us.
And we start to think the other person's the enemy.
Right.
Well, that would be a major disappointment.
But somehow before we get there, if we can go revisit what it is that caused us to fall inlove with each other.
And I mean, you know, again, that sounds really idealistic and naive, but I also really,really hope
(28:45):
nobody's listening to this who didn't even like each other when they got married.
And I know those couples exist.
I think there's a different podcast for you.
I think that's beyond disappointment.
I think that's a marriage made in hell.
It should never have happened.
But if you're someone who is married to someone else and the two of you really...
Had sparks.
Yeah, you had sparks and things went really well, but now the seven year itch happened.
(29:11):
Maybe it came and went.
You're kind of just going through the motions.
You feel more like roommates than lovers.
It might be really, really a special event to get out those pictures, to start goingthrough those memories and fall in love again.
It's almost like a second honeymoon without leaving the house.
And find out, you know, okay, so all these wonderful things have been working great for usin the beginning.
(29:34):
So where did it start to fall apart?
And you know what, if you feel better about each other because you've kind of stoked youremotions positively, you know, even with nostalgia over the trips you've taken and the fun
you've had, then I think it would soften both of you in the best way possible to bevulnerable in the good way to talk about where you are right now, how you got there and
(29:56):
how you want to get out of it.
I'm reminded of that awful song by Rupert Holmes called Escape that everybody else callsthe Pina Colada song.
Oh, yes.
Because it's a song about him going out to cheat on his woman.
And then when he meets the woman he's going to cheat with, it ends up being his own wifewho was also similarly on the cheating trail.
(30:19):
Yeah, right.
And then they like collapse into each other's arms and go, it's you.
My goodness, that would be a major blowout if it happened in real life.
It's like you cheater!
No, YOU cheater!
Like, you're gonna leave me?
Right.
But you know, the song...
We're left to believe it's a happy ending, but I always couldn't stand that song.
I think you need to deal with whatever is going on between the two people in that song andtheir relationship before it gets to the point where you're both, you know, on Ashley
(30:48):
Madison together.
Well, I think the reason why the song seems or feels uh like a warm, happy ending isbecause they got together and realized, hey, we're broken.
But we do still have...
We still have that kindled relationship.
We still have the sparks for each other.
We still have some common ground.
(31:09):
I never knew you liked pina coladas.
Right.
And getting caught in the rain.
Right.
And that you're into champagne.
They're discovering that they both have a lot in common, that they still love each other,and that their relationship hasn't ended.
Yeah, nice try.
The song still sucks.
The song sucks.
It's the most evil song of all time.
There's nothing good about that song.
Take that without them leaving each other, and then you got a great...
(31:32):
Well, it shouldn't have gotten to that point to begin with.
First of all, they never became best friends if they don't know anything about each other,right?
And they're looking for someone they already have.
Imagine the tragedy of that.
I'm disappointed because I think the person I'm with is someone who they actually are, butI thought they weren't the whole time.
(31:53):
I mean, how shallow is that?
You know, we've met couples who don't know anything about each other.
They've been dating six months, two years.
Yeah.
One couple, 18 months, they didn't know each other's last name.
True.
Yeah.
That's avoidance.
That's two people hoping they don't find a red flag that would kill this blessedrelationship that they need to have happen.
(32:13):
If he knows I want children, he'll leave.
Or if he knows, or she knows that I'm not going to move to her city, she'll stop seeingme.
Right, exactly.
But if we're honest with each other and we are vulnerable in the good way,
have a little courage there to get to know each other.
And it takes a lot of courage because when you speak up, you're running the risk of theperson going, you know what?
(32:38):
I give, I quit.
Yes.
No, there's real danger there.
But the thing is, you're not setting yourself up for those big disappointments lateranymore.
Matter of fact, you're setting yourselves up to have a resilient relationship when thosemicro disappointments come up
because you are building that friendship.
(32:59):
You are building that intimacy.
And I think that's full circle.
I think that brings this conversation to a good positive end.
Well, I'd like that song to end differently.
So the couple are disappointed with each other.
Instead of writing an article in the newspaper that she wants to run off, she goes up toher lover and says, hey, we need to talk.
(33:21):
I would like to run away and get my feet wet in the sand and have pina coladas.
You want that?
I do too.
Yeah, but no yoga.
I ain't doing no yoga.
Well, I'm not into yoga either.
Really?
And then we have a happy ever after.
Exactly.
Alright.
With that, we want to invite all of you watching or listening to join us atmountaintoppodcast.com.
(33:44):
If you're one of the guys, get on my mailing list.
You'll get a fluff free newsletter just about every day on how to be a better man and getbetter with women.
And if you're one of the ladies listening to this show, guess what?
Just go to scotandemily.com
and it will take you directly to the podcast now.
And that's the X & Y On The Fly feed.
If you're listening to that, Emily and I would love to talk to you, get on our calendar.
(34:04):
25 minutes is free.
We can talk about whatever's going on in your life.
You can give us feedback on the show.
And if it makes sense to put a coaching program together, so be it.
We want to hear from you.
We do.
Yeah.
And until next time, my name is Scot McKay and I'm Emily McKay.
Be good out there and have fun.
Alright everybody, how's it going?
This is your main man Scot McKay.
And I'm Emily McKay.
And we're coming at you with another episode of The Big Show.
Today we're going to talk about an uncomfortable topic, but it's one we never coveredbefore.
And I know it's one that a lot of couples face.
Emily, what if you're disappointed?
That would be bad.
(00:22):
That would be a disappointment.
Well, Yeah.
Now the first thing that I want to mention though is
is it really possible to go through an entire long-term relationship without anydisappointment whatsoever?
Should we be that Pollyannaishly optimistic at the front end of a relationship as if thisis going to be the honeymoon period and nobody could do any wrong forever and ever, de los
(00:48):
siglos, a los siglos, and we're all going to just be perfect?
Or is that just setting ourselves up for failure?
I mean, that's probably the first question to ask.
Well, I don't know.
think every girl dreams of that ever...
happy ever after.
And everyone's searching for that and expecting to accomplish that.
And then reality hits.
(01:09):
And what's the reality?
The reality is you can't maintain it.
Reality is underwear on the bathroom floor.
Toothpaste open and yes.
Make me a sandwich.
Dirty dishes.
And speaking of the...
Farts.
Especially the farts.
Although the women aren't immune from the farts.
What are you talking about?
(01:30):
Speak for yourself.
you know, I remember when I was a kid, my friends and I were talking about this.
Like, do women fart?
No.
Like, when you have a girlfriend someday, will she actually fart?
And we were thinking, gosh, that sounds incredibly impossible.
And then certainly, like you just said, reality hits.
And you realize, wow, even if they do fart, it doesn't smell like a powder puff orsomething.
(01:50):
It's still nasty.
Oh, yes.
The little splatters
on the mirror, speaking of toothpaste, from like brushing your teeth and like flinging iteverywhere.
That's a minor disappointment.
I don't know if that would really even count as a disappointment in the grand scheme ofbeing in a relationship though, because everybody's going to be human and everybody's
(02:11):
going to have human frailties and we're all going to make a mistake here and there.
That doesn't count as a disappointment, does it?
Well, if you're disappointed on the bigger scope of things, the little things are going toreally eat at you.
Isn't that something?
talk more about that because it's true.
Well, if you're disappointed maybe that your guy's cheating on you or maybe he's not doingit...
even if he's faithful I mean maybe he's you know missing the mark in some grandiose waythat you wanted him to be you know doing it perfect so that all the little things seems to
(02:41):
bother you maybe he's you know eating a sandwich really loud and noisy Yeah didn'tMichelle Obama just recently say that's just what bothers the bejeebers out of her about
Barack?
I must have missed that one.
Yeah, that's what she said.
It meant like viral because it's like, my gosh, they have something that pisses them offabout each other.
They're normal.
They're human.
(03:01):
Yeah, it's normal.
It's so maybe they left their shoes, you know, in the, in the walkway rather than puttingthem, you know, on the little shelf that they belong on.
It could be anything, but it's all those little things really become magnified.
Right.
I mean, I can ship.
Well, I can ship myself out
if I don't like who I'm married to, I guess.
(03:23):
But I can also trip over the shoes if they're left in the hallway while I'm scrambling tothe bathroom in the middle of the night or something.
Break an arm.
Yeah, well, that would be really bad.
That would be especially disappointing.
The medical bills would be disappointing.
I know, right?
But you know, you're on to something.
When there's a major disappointment, those little minor irritations, thosemicroaggressions, right?
(03:47):
They become macroaggressions.
They become amplified like you did this again, you know, because you're in the mood topile on someone who's disappointing you.
And it's easier to avoid the real problem because if you, I mean, heaven forbid, weactually look at the real problem because then we have to fix it.
it's easier to look at the small problems.
(04:09):
We are human.
you look at the real problem.
Whatever.
See, I knew I was in trouble when we started doing this.
Yes, because I'm funny.
And so she married me and she knew she was in trouble.
That's way it is.
Yeah, this is a fraught conversation.
I wonder how many dating relationship advice couples would dare to do this.
That's a scary topic.
(04:30):
Because imagine this.
Let's say you're a couple and you're doing dating and relationship advice and you'retrying to put up this nice front that everything's fine.
You know, with the fam, you're all good, but really decently enough, you know, like allother people, you're, you're having a little bit of an issue there.
There's a little bit of a disappointment, but then you get on a podcast like this andpeople can just feel that tension.
(04:56):
can cut it with a knife that these two, there's something up with these two and therereally is a major disappointment and it's getting kind of ugly.
As a matter of fact, I spoke at a conference one time and they had a couple up there.
who were a dating advice couple.
And I had never met them before.
They were both very nice.
But I was sitting next to a fellow dating coach and I whispered in her ear while they wereup there doing their thing, something's up with those two.
(05:20):
Somebody cheated on somebody and it's never been really healed.
And she just kind of looked at me and went, oh my gosh, you're absolutely right.
That's exactly it.
Because you could just feel...
Distance.
Tension and distance while they were trying to kind of be a couple doing their thing.
Oh, that's painful.
So Yeah, they weren't even talking about that.
(05:41):
They were talking about, you know, this wonderful, happy relationship you can have.
And yet, you know, here we are, where angels fear to tread once again, like we typicallydo, talking about being disappointed in a relationship.
Well, that would be more disappointing to have to go up there and pretend to be happywhenever you know you're in a disappointing relationship.
Yeah, it's like you're not admitting to the disappointment.
(06:03):
putting on a display of happiness and having to maintain it has to be stressful.
Right, exactly.
And you know, I bet you a lot of couples do this for the sake of the extended family.
We can't let mom and dad or in-laws know that we're suffering.
For the children, have to put on this pretty little bow on it.
(06:24):
Maybe for the co-workers or the friends, you know people put on...
they pretend that they're...
They play fake their life They play with the Facebook reel.
Yeah the Facebook reel.
Everything is amazing.
But not really.
If you got to know us.
Well, actually we're not going to invite you over the house.
You're not gonna come over for dinner Because if we did that ermagerd, you'd seeeverything that's wrong.
(06:47):
Actually, I remember one time I talked to a guy and he went and visited a couple.
You know, he was a part of our organization that was not for profit and we worked withkids and he went and visited the couple, you know, we were working with their kids and
they were donors.
So they were pretty wealthy and everything was fine at dinner.
(07:09):
They were so happy.
Everything was perfectly cooked, you know, all perfectly clean and you know, the tablesettings and everything.
And it was, you know, please pass the Grey Poupon, you know.
Two weeks later, one of them filed for divorce.
Oh my goodness.
Talk about cray cray.
I mean, under the surface, something was really, really broken.
(07:30):
But they had the wherewithal to make sure everything just looked fantastic to the outsideworld.
A lot of couples do that.
That's not very honest.
And it's not going to heal the problem if you don't even acknowledge it.
Well, I think it's embarrassing to admit to the world that maybe it feels like we failed.
Or maybe it's embarrassing to us because we feel if we admit it to ourselves, we feel likewe failed.
(07:53):
We've let down that dream.
Yeah, it's humiliating.
And there's a grieving process too.
If you really wanted that perfect pictured life, which is by the way impossible.
Well, we've already gotten to that.
And then you finally have to admit to it and either you settle into reality and go, OK,you know what?
Let's look at what really is working here.
(08:15):
What's great about what I got?
Maybe it's not as disappointing as I think it is.
Maybe my perspective in it is wrong.
Yeah, maybe we're too idealistic.
We're expecting everything to be perfect.
That sounds like an earmark of immaturity to me.
Like when couples get married really early.
Maybe that's why there's a seven year itch.
(08:35):
A seven year itch?
Is that seven year itch built around disappointment or boredom?
Or all the above?
Or boredom will be disappointing?
Yeah.
All of that.
No, not me.
You asked like, Yeah, really?
No, I'm almost 20 years in.
(08:57):
Yes.
And I'm not itchy yet.
No eczema, no psoriasis, no nothing.
Well, I'm thinking the seven year itch, people get married in their 20s, right?
They're still immature.
They're growing and figuring things out.
And we still haven't really figured out the world for that matter yet that there is nosuch thing as
the perfect happily ever after, we are still fantasizing that it does.
(09:21):
And seven years into it, it's like, okay, where are we now?
You know, where did I want to be?
And where did I land?
And wait, the idealistic picture isn't quite there.
And then all the little things start to bother us.
And I'm thinking maybe that's where the seven year itch starts to happen.
Well, I mean, it's fictional.
As they start to mature.
Yeah, I mean, it's a nice Marilyn Monroe movie.
(09:43):
I don't know if everybody
is going to by nature have a seven year itch.
Maybe it's kind of like six seven eight years it's about it's there i think it really doesexist for most couples.
Yeah, probably to some degree.
Maybe here's why.
Maybe it's because after seven or eight years of life all of us evolve yes we're nevergoing to be who we were seven or eight years ago.
(10:06):
Five years ago maybe.
Seven years ago...
Probably not.
If it gets to the 10 or 12 year, dozen year itch, Yeah, you know what?
You're not who you were 10 or 12 years ago.
You've evolved in some way.
We're different.
Yeah.
I think we've evolved for the better.
Yeah.
And together for that matter.
Sure.
People grow, they can either grow apart or they make the effort to do what they can togrow together.
(10:29):
Yeah.
We were both pretty mature and we'd been kicked around the block some when we met eachother.
So I think we didn't have
idealistic, unrealistic expectations for each other.
We just met each other and got along great and liked each other a lot and we're bestfriends and here we still are.
Maybe that's why we didn't get the seven-year itch because well we didn't have theidealistic ideas there.
(10:54):
Well actually I was divorced after seven years but that was probably not because of anitch that was because of some full-blown
some kind of other illness other than a mere itch.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that was like a seven year, you know, complete total inflammation.
There you go.
That's a good description.
(11:15):
But enough about me.
ah I think when it comes to people feeling disappointed, it all started when they met eachother and they settled for each other.
I think it would be hard to be disappointed in someone you chose.
If it got to the point where
Hey, my biological clock's ticking, she says.
(11:38):
And he's like, Yeah, they're all pressuring me on my side of the family to get married.
And I guess I better settle down, et cetera.
You know, when you settle down, you settle for someone.
And when people get married out of convenience, or God forbid a green card's in theresomewhere, or because they just don't have a whole lot of options, which we talk about
(11:58):
constantly around here, then you know what?
They're setting themselves up for this disappointment because frankly they're disappointedgoing into this thing and they're just not honest with each other about it yet.
No, that's, that's, that would be devastating.
It is devastating.
Yeah.
But I think besides just that type of disappointment, I think sometimes people go into itand they get into a rut, you know, the daily routines.
(12:26):
Not to be confused with going into heat.
Well, they get to where you, you you wake up, you go to work, you do this, you do that,and nothing changes.
It just becomes, and then you kind of lose the excitement.
And when you lose the excitement, disappointment starts to set in.
Yeah.
You know, you need to keep your marriage spicy.
(12:46):
Don't you?
They always say, say you have to spice up your relationship.
You know, you got to date your wife, keep going on adventures, which is something you andI've been pretty good at with the family, right?
Even as we start having more children.
The adventures keep going.
Um, you hit on something earlier, which was being each other's best friend.
(13:08):
It's hard to be disappointed in your best friend.
You can be disappointed in their actions.
And you know, when we're talking about infidelity or abusive behavior, I don't thinkthat's disappointment.
I think that's that's brokenness and that's trauma and that's gotta be healed.
What I'm talking about here for the purposes of this show, what we're talking about
(13:29):
in this show, is you're in a relationship and it just didn't pan out the way you wanted itto.
No one's hurting each other.
No one's being abusive.
No one's cheating.
It's just, you know what?
I'm starting to press my nose against the glass looking at the greener pastures out there.
Right.
Well, some people experience trauma within the relationship.
(13:50):
Maybe they lost a child.
Maybe they've lost a career or a job or health.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh, health could definitely lead to huge disappointments.
Well, I think you don't have, you don't have all the adventures you could experiencebecause you're limited.
Well, I think you bring up an excellent point because that's another whole angle ondisappointment.
(14:12):
I'm not necessarily disappointed in my partner.
I'm disappointed that we're never going to be able to do the things we had planned ondoing.
And, you know, I hear this a lot when couples, one of them gets sick.
One of them is, uh you know, God forbid, ah got terminal cancer and they have to saygoodbye.
(14:33):
And there was so much of this story that didn't get written.
And I think you have to hide your disappointment if you're the one left behind becauseyou're trying to help this person move on because you're their best friend, in happiness
and peace as much as you can.
Yeah, I hear a lot from widowed people that, man, we had so much more of this story towrite and,
(14:55):
now here I am picking up the pieces instead of writing the story.
That's legitimate disappointment.
And I think grief and that whole process is probably a good topic for maybe our nextpodcast together.
Not a happy one, but a necessary one.
But let's go back to the couples who, you know, we're in this.
(15:16):
We've made a commitment to each other, but I was just, I don't know.
I don't feel like I'm being so
Pollyanna ish or so idealistic or unrealistic.
I just really was hoping for more.
Maybe the partner promised more and they're not delivering.
You you have a guy who said, honey, I'll always provide and protect.
And, he goes out and gets drunk and leaves the family for three days and he's, you know,perpetually unemployed, refusing to go get a job.
(15:45):
You could argue I haven't had a job for 20 years, but that's a little different.
Somehow the bills get paid.
But, um,
You know, that makes a woman feel less secure and less safe and it makes her loseattraction because that's how femininity is wired.
Right.
Or it could be that he's become he or say from a guy's perspective, maybe he's becomevery, you know, non masculine, you know, the world's...
(16:12):
He softened up on us.
Yes.
Where he doesn't speak up, you know, so and, you know, violates the family in some way orsomething.
Maybe they they cheated them out of some monies.
And he's afraid to speak up and say, Hey, you know, you didn't really change thecarburetor in that thing.
Why are you charging me $400?
He's Mr.
Nice Guy.
Exactly.
That's a huge disappointment to women.
(16:32):
Yeah.
Or maybe the woman has lost her femininity and she's acting very, you know, masculine andtrying to take his, for lack of a better word, taking his balls away.
Well, taking his role from him.
Yes.
Like, Hey, you know what?
I got a better job.
You stay at home with the kids, but honey, what about my career?
I have
ambition.
(16:53):
I'm a man.
No, no, no.
This is just a season.
The season turns into a decade and a half.
Yeah, someone's going to be disappointed.
Probably the guy.
And deep down, perhaps, latently, the woman.
The woman, too.
Yeah.
I mean, can the stay at home dad thing work?
I mean, we've seen it work.
Yeah.
But I really think there's a risk there because of how masculinity and femininity dancetogether that there's going to be there's going to be some disappointment.
(17:21):
I like how you put it, that is a risk.
There's a risk there.
It can be successful, but you have to kind of ask yourself that the success rate is solow.
Do we really want to risk that?
Yeah.
I mean, you're risking trouble in your marriage.
It's like, Hey honey, I finally went out and got a job.
I'm managing a strip club.
(17:42):
You know, that would perhaps open us up if that were the case to a disappointing futurebecause
I'm putting myself in harm's way as far as this relationship's going.
Yeah, putting in jeopardy.
Yeah.
So maybe being a stay at home dad is maybe not as visceral an example thereof, but anexample nonetheless.
(18:06):
Well, uh temporarily, things do happen where guys do have to take over the role of takingcare of the kids.
Mom happens to be the one who has the job that's paying the bills.
But to leave it in that status quo,
for decades.
I think that's where, no, there has to be a goal.
There has to be a plan to make things change there.
(18:26):
That's a good question.
Does comfort lead to disappointment in a marriage?
We're just kind of coasting.
In a rut.
In a rut, as opposed to being in heat.
And we're going to have to spice this thing up.
Now, people have stereotypical notions of spicing things up.
(18:47):
We're going to change our sex positions and where we have sex and go on more dates.
You know, you're looking at me with those dreamy eyes.
And yet an adventure is anything that takes you out of that comfort zone.
It could be leaving your zip code and going on a hike or doing something you've never donebefore.
That's just an outing.
may not even be expensive.
(19:08):
I remember one time you and I tried riding a bicycle built for two.
Oh gosh.
That was an adventure.
It was a little scary.
Terrifying.
Yeah.
So for you, it's a lot of trust being on the second seat of a bicycle built for two, isn'tit?
Yes.
People don't realize that.
But that's just an example of something that's just not a huge undertaking, but can save amarriage because you're not going to be disappointed.
(19:36):
You'll come home, you'll laugh together and you'll have fun.
And, you know, to be completely honest with you, it seems to me fun and laughter
are almost like a magical elixir to ward off disappointment.
Yes.
I mean, I don't want to be too naive.
It can also be a band-aid to hide disappointment.
(19:59):
Oh, yeah, it's a way to avoid it.
Let's spice up the relationship in the bed or with adventures, but let's ignore theunderlying problem, such as being able to share.
what problems might be existing in the relationship such as, let's say if the family, thehusband isn't supporting for whatever reason, maybe he lost his job and now he's taking
(20:25):
care of the kids and he's afraid to say anything to her or maybe she's afraid to say, hey,know, whatever feelings might be coming from that.
And so because they're afraid of hurting each other's feelings, they stay quiet and thatgrows to be something bigger and bigger down the road.
Or if I'm going to be quiet about this, I'll be quiet about another issue.
And if I'm quiet on that issue, I'm going to be quiet on a third issue.
(20:46):
Yeah, it kind of builds.
It gets bottled up.
And then before you know it, you don't even know you had those issues.
Or you don't realize you've stopped talking and communicating, and then the disappointmentreally sets in hard.
Yeah, or else those disappointments have grown to such proportion that you can't bringthem up, because it would be like uncorking that warm bottle of Diet Coke that you just
(21:07):
shook up all those years.
Yeah, the best time to talk about disappointments is when they're tiny disappointments.
Hey, know, lately I've been disappointed in the fact that you don't keep the door closedwhen you use the bathroom.
That's little.
We can talk about that.
But if it becomes this mountain of little pebbles that have mounted up over time, andfinally, when a big rock hits it, right.
(21:31):
Everything comes uncorked and it's like, here it is.
I'm sick of your face, you know, and then you're in divorce court and then you say thingsthat
you can't unsay.
That is why if there's little disappointments, we have to get past that Pollyanna-ishidealism, right?
That drives a lot of young marriages or new marriages.
(21:55):
And certainly people 50 years old or older can meet each other and go, my gosh, you're mysoulmate I never had.
Finally, I met you.
And they can start making excuses for these disappointments because they don't want tobring them up.
They want to pretend they're not there.
They want to make everything perfect when it's never going to be.
But meanwhile, if we actually express our disappointments, we actually become closer andmore intimate and become...
(22:17):
we become more like best friends.
Right.
And you know, and if you tell me your disappointments of, you know, don't like it when youput the toothbrush next to the hairbrush, making something up.
When you put the...
put the toothbrush
on the hairbrush or use your hairbrush as a toothbrush.
There you go.
It's going to be some disappointment with that one.
(22:39):
Brush the dog's teeth with your husband's.
Why are we laughing at that?
Why would we laugh?
Why would that example come up?
Let's go with it.
Yes, let's run with that one because it can be you could fill in the XYZ with whatever youwant there.
So I'll just make one up.
OK, we'll make it comedy.
Yes, we'll home a few bars.
(23:00):
So.
Let's say I brush the dog's teeth with your toothbrush.
I know why you're laughing, because you could see it happening.
Yes, I wouldn't, I promise.
Our kids are a little too old to get away with that, but they'd try.
my gosh, Yeah, probably.
Y'all, we're at the gremlins have invaded our house stage with our two youngest.
(23:21):
In other words, something blatant happened.
Like all the lights were left on all night or someone tried to use Discord on my workcomputer,
or didn't flush the bathroom for the fourth time.
And, you know, The Family Circus, Bill Keane...
When he used to write comics about the "Not Me Gremlin".
Yeah, Yeah.
There's a poem that's the Not Me.
(23:43):
Yeah.
Mr.
Nobody.
Yeah.
Mr.
Nobody, the Not Me Gremlin has set up shop.
I think he lives in the walls somewhere in this house because, boy, does he rule theplace.
Not me.
I didn't do it.
I was like, come on.
Someone had to do it.
So to get to my point, so the things that let's say for whatever, whatever that item orwhatever that problem is that's bothering you.
(24:08):
I would much rather you tell me, you know, I appreciate all that you do, but you know,when you do this, it kind of bothers me.
Could we possibly visit the idea of maybe not doing that?
You know, I may get upset or I might whatever my reaction might be to whether big or smallthis thing is.
That's okay.
(24:29):
I'd rather you be brave.
Be brave about how my reaction's gonna be.
Man up and disappoint me.
Yeah.
And let me feel those emotions and then we move forward and we fix it.
Or vice versa, you know?
And I think healthy couples can do that.
Well, I agree.
And I think healthy couples start off building that habit and they keep that habitfine-tuned over the course of their time together.
(24:54):
Over the course of a long-term relationship.
and they teach that to their kids.
So I shouldn't be hiding those Amazon boxes?
Hiding the Amazon boxes?
This is the first I've heard of that.
Tell me more.
Well, if I tell you about it, you'll be upset.
I'd be disappointed.
Why would I be disappointed in you hiding?
(25:16):
I mean you do collect egg cartons right?
I don't know what I mean like deliveries, you know when the Amazon people or the UPS truckkeeps
bringing box after box.
Oh, you mean you bring in things I've been waiting on for like three days off the frontporch and throw them in the closet and forget to tell me they came?
That would be majorly disappointing.
Like I go on a shopping spree and to hide my shopping spree, I hide the boxes.
(25:37):
Well, all of the above that we've been talking about for about the past minute or soclassifies as cruel and unusual abuse.
That's not just mere disappointment.
That means we need to go see a therapist.
You can't be doing that.
There's jokes like that.
I know.
They're not funny.
Alright.
They are because I don't do it!
So we talked about how to, Yeah, that's true.
(25:58):
You don't do that.
Everybody's pretty transparently waiting for the door and see what the mailman or theAmazon guy or the UPS guy brings today.
Lots of fun.
And, um, and about third of it gets sent back anyway, especially your doggy stuff.
You buy doggy stuff and it's like, nah, that isn't going to work.
I keep waiting for Amazon to just pull our account and go, you people return too much.
(26:21):
You're not allowed.
You're not allowed to, they're disappointed.
See our relationship has disappointed Amazon, ladies and gentlemen, which is probably agood thing.
You know, we're, sticking it to the man around here.
Alright.
So, so far we've talked about what to do, how to be transparent, how to avoid turningminor disappointments into big dustups later on.
(26:44):
And we've also talked about how to avoid a relationship where you're setting yourselves upto be disappointed.
Settling.
Yeah, right.
Not settling.
We talk about never ever settling around here.
But what if someone's listening to this and they're there?
They're in a relationship.
You know, the title of this caught their eye and it's like, alright McKays, now what?
Here I am.
How do you dig out of a disappointment ditch?
(27:07):
Well, that's that's a big one.
So I would start first with remembering where it all started.
The honeymoon stage.
And I think that's the reason why we have honeymoon stages.
So that when the rough times come, and I'm not saying if, they all do, everyone has arough time at some point in their marriage or relationship.
But when those rough times comes, you need to go back and revisit mentally the happy dayswhen you first met, the sparks, the butterflies that you had in your stomach.
(27:37):
The pictures, the videos.
Yeah, uh the wonderful moments you shared, what brought you together, what bonded youtogether.
And start from there.
The clothes you used to wear if you can still fit in them.
I'm laughing because...
That's another whole level of disappointment there, you know.
But I would start there and move forward.
(27:57):
OK, so what...
Where are we now and how can we get back to that place?
Because if you were happy, wonderful couple together, Yeah, there's no reason why youcan't get there if you both decide together as a couple that you're still dedicated to
making this work.
I really think that's excellent advice and.
here's what's going on in my head relative to that.
(28:20):
I think a lot of times life kind of grabs us and lulls us into an attitude change thatisn't good for us.
And we start to think the other person's the enemy.
Right.
Well, that would be a major disappointment.
But somehow before we get there, if we can go revisit what it is that caused us to fall inlove with each other.
And I mean, you know, again, that sounds really idealistic and naive, but I also really,really hope
(28:45):
nobody's listening to this who didn't even like each other when they got married.
And I know those couples exist.
I think there's a different podcast for you.
I think that's beyond disappointment.
I think that's a marriage made in hell.
It should never have happened.
But if you're someone who is married to someone else and the two of you really...
Had sparks.
Yeah, you had sparks and things went really well, but now the seven year itch happened.
(29:11):
Maybe it came and went.
You're kind of just going through the motions.
You feel more like roommates than lovers.
It might be really, really a special event to get out those pictures, to start goingthrough those memories and fall in love again.
It's almost like a second honeymoon without leaving the house.
And find out, you know, okay, so all these wonderful things have been working great for usin the beginning.
(29:34):
So where did it start to fall apart?
And you know what, if you feel better about each other because you've kind of stoked youremotions positively, you know, even with nostalgia over the trips you've taken and the fun
you've had, then I think it would soften both of you in the best way possible to bevulnerable in the good way to talk about where you are right now, how you got there and
(29:56):
how you want to get out of it.
I'm reminded of that awful song by Rupert Holmes called Escape that everybody else callsthe Pina Colada song.
Oh, yes.
Because it's a song about him going out to cheat on his woman.
And then when he meets the woman he's going to cheat with, it ends up being his own wifewho was also similarly on the cheating trail.
(30:19):
Yeah, right.
And then they like collapse into each other's arms and go, it's you.
My goodness, that would be a major blowout if it happened in real life.
It's like you cheater!
No, YOU cheater!
Like, you're gonna leave me?
Right.
But you know, the song...
We're left to believe it's a happy ending, but I always couldn't stand that song.
I think you need to deal with whatever is going on between the two people in that song andtheir relationship before it gets to the point where you're both, you know, on Ashley
(30:48):
Madison together.
Well, I think the reason why the song seems or feels uh like a warm, happy ending isbecause they got together and realized, hey, we're broken.
But we do still have...
We still have that kindled relationship.
We still have the sparks for each other.
We still have some common ground.
(31:09):
I never knew you liked pina coladas.
Right.
And getting caught in the rain.
Right.
And that you're into champagne.
They're discovering that they both have a lot in common, that they still love each other,and that their relationship hasn't ended.
Yeah, nice try.
The song still sucks.
The song sucks.
It's the most evil song of all time.
There's nothing good about that song.
Take that without them leaving each other, and then you got a great...
(31:32):
Well, it shouldn't have gotten to that point to begin with.
First of all, they never became best friends if they don't know anything about each other,right?
And they're looking for someone they already have.
Imagine the tragedy of that.
I'm disappointed because I think the person I'm with is someone who they actually are, butI thought they weren't the whole time.
(31:53):
I mean, how shallow is that?
You know, we've met couples who don't know anything about each other.
They've been dating six months, two years.
Yeah.
One couple, 18 months, they didn't know each other's last name.
True.
Yeah.
That's avoidance.
That's two people hoping they don't find a red flag that would kill this blessedrelationship that they need to have happen.
(32:13):
If he knows I want children, he'll leave.
Or if he knows, or she knows that I'm not going to move to her city, she'll stop seeingme.
Right, exactly.
But if we're honest with each other and we are vulnerable in the good way,
have a little courage there to get to know each other.
And it takes a lot of courage because when you speak up, you're running the risk of theperson going, you know what?
(32:38):
I give, I quit.
Yes.
No, there's real danger there.
But the thing is, you're not setting yourself up for those big disappointments lateranymore.
Matter of fact, you're setting yourselves up to have a resilient relationship when thosemicro disappointments come up
because you are building that friendship.
(32:59):
You are building that intimacy.
And I think that's full circle.
I think that brings this conversation to a good positive end.
Well, I'd like that song to end differently.
So the couple are disappointed with each other.
Instead of writing an article in the newspaper that she wants to run off, she goes up toher lover and says, hey, we need to talk.
(33:21):
I would like to run away and get my feet wet in the sand and have pina coladas.
You want that?
I do too.
Yeah, but no yoga.
I ain't doing no yoga.
Well, I'm not into yoga either.
Really?
And then we have a happy ever after.
Exactly.
Alright.
With that, we want to invite all of you watching or listening to join us atmountaintoppodcast.com.
(33:44):
If you're one of the guys, get on my mailing list.
You'll get a fluff free newsletter just about every day on how to be a better man and getbetter with women.
And if you're one of the ladies listening to this show, guess what?
Just go to scotandemily.com
and it will take you directly to the podcast now.
And that's the X & Y On The Fly feed.
If you're listening to that, Emily and I would love to talk to you, get on our calendar.
(34:04):
25 minutes is free.
We can talk about whatever's going on in your life.
You can give us feedback on the show.
And if it makes sense to put a coaching program together, so be it.
We want to hear from you.
We do.
Yeah.
And until next time, my name is Scot McKay and I'm Emily McKay.
Be good out there and have fun.
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