July 21, 2025 • 39 mins
This week, Kate unpacks one of the most common (and painful) patterns in relationships: losing yourself in love or taking on your partner's pain.
If you’re the woman who tends to over-function, over-give, or emotionally disappear when your partner is going through something—this episode is for you.
Kate shares how to:
- Stay connected to yourself even when your partner is having a hard time
- Stop carrying the emotional weight of the relationship on your own
- Recognize when you’re slipping into “rescuer” or “fixer” mode
- Reclaim your center without disconnecting or shutting down
- Show up in love without betraying your own needs or well-being
Because love doesn’t mean self-abandonment.
And healthy love doesn’t mean codependence.
This is your invitation to remember your wholeness inside a relationship. Even when it’s hard. Even when they’re struggling. That's when you both need it the most!
Resources & Next Steps:
Apply for The Immersion or to work with Kate (https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/the-immersion)
Subscribe to The New Truth & leave a review if this episode speaks to your soul
Discover Your Saboteur FREE Course: https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/discover-your-saboteur
To book a Free Call to explore working with Kate - click the link below: https://calendly.com/expanded-love/exploration-call-clone
About the Host:
Kate Harlow is the founder of The Unscriptd Woman, the creator of The Expanded Love Coaching Method, and host of The New Truth podcast - ranked in the top 1.5% globally. With over 15 years of experience teaching, coaching and facilitating transformational retreats worldwide, Kate has helped hundreds of thousands of women break free from outdated relational patterns, old patriarchal ways of thinking and unspoken rules to live by.
Her infallible methods guide women to release the deeply ingrained scripts that keep them stuck- empowering women to step into their highest, most magnetic, and fully expressed selves. Through her coaching, retreats, podcast and upcoming book The Unscriptd Woman, Kate is redefining what it means to be an empowered woman in today's world, showing women how to stop waiting for permission and start creating a life and love that aligns with their deepest truth.
Known for her rare ability to see exactly where women are out of alignment with themselves, Kate offers a path back to unwavering self- trust, meaningful joy and true fulfillment. Her work is a revolution - one that liberates women from societal expectations and invites them into a life of radical authenticity, thriving relationships and unshakable self-worth.
Website: https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/
The Immersion in Corfu, Greece April 26- May 3, 2026 https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/the-immersion
Thanks for listening! It means so much to us that you listened to our podcast! If you would like to continue the conversation with us, head on over to our Facebook group, the New Truth Movement at
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kate Harlow (00:00):
Like, okay, I need to sacrifice myself right now
(00:02):
because he's going through ahard time, so I'm just going to
shape shift and sacrifice, andI'm going to be there over
function, and I'm going to behis therapist, and I'm going to
be his mom, and I'm going to behis everything, because he can't
do laundry now and he can't cookdinner now, and he can't do this
and he can't do that, so I'mgoing to do everything to make
him feel better. But what thatactually does is it enables the
(00:24):
pattern, and it enables him tostay stuck. So that's the irony
of our patterns. Your saboteur,100% of the time thinks she's
solving something, but 100% ofthe time she's actually creating
the very thing that she's tryingto solve. She thinks she's she
thinks she's fixing it, butshe's actually creating it.
Because you're not seeing thisperson in their sovereignty,
right? If you're not coming fromthat anchored, solid, whole
(00:46):
place inside of yourself whereyou're only responsible for you
and you're taking the deepest,most impeccable care of you, so
you can be a better partner anda better human in the world. If
you're not in that place, you'regoing to get hooked into
rescuing them, thinking that'shelping them, but that's not
helping them. That's hurtingthem, and more importantly, it's
hurting you.
Hello, beautiful. Welcome backto the new truth podcast. Kate
(01:10):
here. Hope you're having a greatsummer wherever in the world you
are, or maybe it's winter whereyou are, because either you're
listening to this six monthslater or you're in the southern
hemisphere, but I hope you'rehaving a beautiful time wherever
you are, even amidst all theworld chaos right now. Don't
spend your time talking aboutit. Me and Mariana have a mantra
(01:31):
that we say to each other. Ithink I've said it on the
podcast before. I'm having heron really soon. My my love of my
life, Mariana, I talk about hera lot. She's been on the podcast
a few times, but one of ourfavorite mantras is, Don't take
the bait. Don't take the bait.There's endless bait out there
to take, to stress about, toworry about, to focus on. And,
(01:53):
you know, the best gift we cangive the world is to be a an
aligned human that's walkingthrough it, that's actually
present and connected and, youknow, happy and and on purpose,
and making an impact and givingfrom a place of overflow and
able to like, serve the world inall the ways, from your heart,
not from your fear. So I guessthat's where I'm starting. I
(02:14):
didn't plan on saying, Well, Idon't really plan anything. So
here we are. But I just wantedto say too, if you have anything
going on in your relationships,in your life right now that you
want me to talk about, send me amessage and let me know. Hey,
I'd love to hear an episode onthis or on that, because there's
obviously endless perspectivesto take, endless things to
(02:36):
unpack here every week. So buttoday we are going to dive into
how to not lose yourself inrelationship, especially when
your partner is struggling. Andso there was someone actually in
the Facebook group. I apologizefor my absence in the Facebook
group. If you want to ask aboutepisodes in the Facebook group
or request episodes, I will bemore present. Just tag me,
(02:57):
because I'm not really on socialmedia very much. So Catherine
was on there a whole lot morethan me. But I went in there
today. It's been a very longtime, and I saw a really
beautiful question someone wasasking, when your partner's
going through job loss or lossin their life, or mental health
issues or their own stuff? Howdo you not take it on? So that's
(03:18):
what inspired this message, andI wanted to expand it to how to
not lose ourselves inrelationship, because that is
the case for so many women.Yeah, oh my gosh. I just have so
much to say about that. But Ithink if we go back to where,
where, like, the Institute ofmarriage and relationship came
from, it used to be a businessarrangement. And I think about
(03:39):
it, it's like, really, this ideathat men would women would just
serve men. So men could go outand do things in the world
right? Men could go out andfight for a war. Men could go
out and not that that was apleasant thing for them to do,
but men could go out and providefor the family. Men could could
go and do their thing, and womenwould stay home and take care of
(04:01):
everything for them. So soundsreally romantic. Sign me up? No,
I'm just kidding, but it's true,right? It used to be a business
arrangement, and having a familywas like a business, and it
still is. And yet in the modernworld, we also have plastered
all over the relationship like,your man has to be your Prince
Charming. He has to be the one.He has to be super romantic. He
(04:23):
has to make you feel beautifuland make you feel special. And
he has to be, you know,conscious now, and he has to be
a Superior Man. And blah, blah,blah. And it goes on and on and
on. And we essentially in theold paradigm of relationship,
whether it's the, you know,spiritually conscious version or
or not, the fairy talerelationship of being rescued by
(04:44):
love, by a relationship, weessentially make our partners
God, and then what happens? Webecome like a servant to them, a
servant to God, inside of therelational dynamic. So the old
paradigm is so co dependent,right? It's our. Our nervous
system and our emotionalstability is dependent on what's
happening inside ourrelationship, what our partners
(05:04):
bringing or not bringing to thetable. And there's so much
effect that we have when we'rein these co dependent,
structured relationships. Soeven you know the idea that we
when you're in a relationship,you need to rush towards living
together and sharing a space andsharing a bed every single night
of your life, and sharing dinnerevery night if you have normal
(05:25):
nine to five jobs, and how muchtime do you spend with your
partner sharing weekendstogether? I find most women fall
on one side or the other. Theyeither spend no time with their
partner because they're soindependent and their partner's
so independent, but they don'thave a lot of intimacy between
them, or they spend too muchtime together, and that where
(05:46):
it's just like you go to workall day, and then you're home
and your partner's there, andyou're just together all the
time. So that type ofrelationship is really
suffocating to the soul,because, of course, we need
intimacy, we need love. We needconnection. We need
relationships. And relationshipsare so important. I believe
they're one of the greatestopportunities to grow. And if we
(06:09):
aren't rooted in ourselves, andwe aren't able to see the
relationship through the newparadigm lens, which is, let the
relationship surprise you letthe relationship unfold, but
don't, don't let it becomeeverything, right? The old
paradigm is like, myrelationship is everything.
People speak in the we, when youget like that, talk about
codependency, when you speak inthe we, like, oh, we would love
(06:33):
to do that. Oh, we had a greattime. We, we, we, we, that would
actually be the first place tolook it's like, are you still an
individual inside of yourrelationship? Right? Do you do?
Is your partner an individualinside of your relationship? And
I've unpacked so manyrelationships over the years of
working with women, especiallythe last 10 years, I've been
(06:54):
coaching, as you know, for like,gosh, almost 20 years. But I
started as a business coach, andnow I'm obviously helping women
with their relationship withthemselves, but I've unpacked
many, many, many relationaldynamics with my clients over
the years, and what I noticedafter the first few years of
doing it, that in every singlerelational dynamic, and when I
(07:15):
say dynamic, I'm talking aboutlike the patterns that are
Playing out inside of therelationship in every relational
dynamic, one person is theadult, mom or dad, and the other
person is the Wounded Child,child or teenager, and that's
how they fit together. And thismight in your relationship. This
might change you might have indifferent areas of the
(07:35):
relationship. For example, youryour partner might be dad when
it comes to money, and you mightbe the little girl that doesn't
know how to do money, or maybethe I've heard a lot of recent
stories of the other way around,where you're the sovereign and
independent woman who makes allthe money, but your partner's
the teenage boy who it just doeswhatever he wants and doesn't
(07:57):
care, doesn't have a job anddoesn't care, doesn't have
purpose. There. That is the, anexample of the dynamic that
plays out. And then you mighthave emotionally the woman's
like the mom and the the the Iwas gonna say, Son, yeah, the
man is the son. The man is thechild, right? The child that
that can't quite express how hefeels, or that needs to be
(08:18):
coddled, or whatever the thingmight be. So you the first place
you want to look is, what roleare you playing inside of this
relationship, right? Are youmom? Are you dad? Are you
teenager? Are you child? Becauseall relationship relational
dynamics have that playing out.And if you are coming from that
place in your relationship, youyou cannot have intimacy from
(08:39):
that place. No wonder peoplestop having sex with each other,
right? Because usually whathappens because of the old
paradigm, because of the fairytale story that, oh, you're just
going to have love one day, andit's just going to answer all
your prayers and it's going tosweep you off your feet, and
it's going to make you feelhappy for the rest of your life,
(09:01):
and you're just going to sign acontract, and then you have that
thing, and it's complete. I'vetalked about this recently in an
episode that makes youcomplacent, right? So most
people think, okay, myrelationship's good. And then
our patterns creep in. Usually,our patterns creep in right at
the beginning, if you especiallyif you do not know your
(09:21):
patterns, and you're not rootedin your sovereignty. Most
people's patterns probably kickin before that, but they really
set in when we get to that placeof complacency, where we just
start to play roles inside ofthe relationship, instead of
really stay rooted in who I amand let every day be new. So you
want to first look at what whatam I bringing to the table? What
(09:43):
is my pattern? Right? If I'm ina relational dynamic where I'm
my pattern is to,
I mean, even choose partners whoare fixer uppers. Maybe your
partner is going through a hardtime right now, or maybe they're
always going through a hardtime. And are you actually
paying attention? Right? Did youchoose someone who needed
rescuing, and that was thefoundation in which you started
(10:05):
your relationship, versus yougoing through a hard time where
your partner suddenly lost aloved one or there, and I've
heard this so much, where andthen they change because they're
going through deep grief anddeep pain. That might have been
the case, but really look atwhere, where did this relational
dynamic start? Becausesovereignty is essential on both
(10:29):
ends, right? And the more rootedyou are in your sovereignty, the
more you will actually attractpeople who are also rooted in
theirs, people who don't expectyou to rescue them or don't want
you to take on their pain,people that know how to handle
their own pain and what to dowith it, and that have their own
support system outside of you,because even if you are married
(10:51):
to this person, you are notresponsible for their feelings.
You are not responsible fortheir pain. That doesn't mean
that you can't be really lovingand really supportive when
they've got something harshgoing on. And guess what? The
more rooted in your ownsovereignty and in your own
heart frequency you are and inyour own like, the more you come
(11:14):
from that place where you'refilled up within yourself and
you're still honoring and lovingyourself, the more likely
there's going to be a shift forthem, right? So your saboteur
pattern, your saboteur thinks,Okay, I need to sacrifice myself
right now because he's goingthrough a hard time, so I'm just
going to shape shift andsacrifice, and I'm going to be
there over function, and I'mgoing to be his therapist, and
(11:36):
I'm going to be his mom, and I'mgoing to be his everything,
because he can't do laundry nowand he can't cook dinner now,
and he can't do this, and hecan't do that, so I'm going to
do everything to make him feelbetter. But what that actually
does is it enables the pattern,and it enables him to stay
stuck. So that's the irony ofour patterns. Your saboteur 100%
of the time thinks she's solvingsomething, but 100% of the time
(11:59):
she's actually creating the verything that she's trying to
solve. She thinks she's shethinks she's fixing it, but
she's actually creating itbecause you're not seeing this
person in their sovereignty,right? If you're not coming from
that anchored, solid, wholeplace inside of yourself where
you're only responsible for youand you're taking the deepest,
most impeccable care of you, soyou can be a better partner and
(12:22):
a better human in the world. Ifyou're not in that place, you're
going to get hooked intorescuing them, thinking that's
helping them, but that's nothelping them. That's hurting
them, and, more importantly,it's hurting you. So this is the
thing about relationship, I saidin the episode, if you heard it
a couple of weeks ago, where Iwas talking about fantasy love
or real love. I was talkingabout this, and what I just
(12:45):
mentioned, the complacency ofrelationships once we just think
it's a done deal, and how we seeour partners as who they've
been, and we see ourselves aswho we've been, that is the most
harmful thing you could do toyourself, and literally,
everyone's doing it. I can'teven tell you how many times a
day I hear, Oh, it's just who Iam. Oh, yeah, this is who I am.
This is who I am. Oh, it's myanxious attachment style. It's
(13:07):
just who I am. No, it's not.That's not who you are. That's
who you learned how to be toprotect yourself when you're a
child. You are on this journeynow of learning how to come home
to the sovereign woman inside ofyou and become the heroine of
your own life and your ownstory. Because that is not who
you are. You are not theperfectionist, you are not the
shape shifter, you are not theself sacrifice, or you're not
(13:28):
the people pleaser. That's whoyou learn to be for survival as
a child. And now you're stillbeing that, right, and you're
thinking, you're believing, onsome level, it's who you are,
and it's what's going to keepyou safe, and it's what's going
to solve the problems, but it'sactually not solving anything.
It's creating the problems. It'skeeping you trapped in
relationships that feelunsatiating to your soul,
(13:49):
relationships that feelsiphoning and exhausting
depleting. You get to have lovethat meets you where you are. So
where are you in yourself? It'seasy to look at your partner and
be like, well, he's struggling,and I keep getting swept into
it. Well, if you keep gettingswept into it, my love, you're
struggling too, right? Becauseyour that means your pattern
(14:11):
currently has more strength, orhas more gravitas, I'll say,
than your heroine, than yoursovereignty, right? It means
that that part of you is leadingand in any given moment, and
whether you've been on a on aheroin journey with me or not, I
mean, I'd say everyone listeningto this podcast is on some sort
of a heroin journey with me. Butwhether you've worked with me or
(14:34):
not, you have inside of you atany given moment a little
wounded girl who has her littlesidekick, your saboteur
protector, that's actually herhurt. She's hurting her, right?
She's, in some cases, herabuser. Because, like, think
about the thoughts you haveabout yourself internally. Would
you if if someone talked to youlike that out loud? Would you
(14:56):
call it emotional abuse? So somesaboteurs are even a.
Emotionally abusive, and I don'tsay that to make them wrong and
bad. They think they're doing animportant job, and we needed
them when we were young. So Ialways say when I'm working with
women that you want to build aloving relationship with that
part of you. You just don't wantto let her lead your life,
right? So let's look at whatpatterns are playing out in your
(15:18):
relationship that are keepingyou stuck in the other person's
world, and whether it's apainful world that you're stuck
in or a pleasurable world, likefantasy love, where you're
getting like, you're gettinginto the world and all of a
sudden, you're doing all thesethings that you didn't do
before, but like, do youactually enjoy them? Is it
really aligned with your body?Does it feel good for you? Are
(15:40):
you just doing these thingsbecause you want to be the girl
that's a match for that guy,right? So you want to look at
what are your patterns. We talkwe've talked so many times about
the saboteur archetypes. Are youin fantasy? Are you in fantasy
about the idea of thisrelationship and this person
rather than actually listeningto your compass. How do you feel
(16:01):
when you're around them? How doyou feel in your body? Your body
knows, your body will tell youover and over and over again.
But if you're just swept by theidea of this person, if you're
swept by the idea of love, ifyou're so concerned about the
timeline or what your life lookslike, or you don't want to be
single, so you're just stayingin a relationship, or you're
(16:22):
terrified of hurting them, oryou're like, then you're in the
fantasy addict, right? The Selfsacrificer is the one who's
sacrificing herself and her ownlife to try and save the other
person, the rescuer, the peoplepleaser, the one who who just
goes along with things, who getssucked into someone else's
emotional world. And I would saythat's a little bit of shape
(16:44):
shifter, too. If you take onother people's emotions, we call
it empathy, or not empathy theempath, right? If you're an
empath, you and you're highlysensitive, you can feel other
people's feelings, but what'syour relationship with your
feelings? Right? Often empathsuse that as an excuse too. It's
like, oh, I'm an empath, so Ijust feel horrible all the time.
(17:04):
Well, are you going into yourbody and are you releasing your
feelings? Are you moving thefeelings? Do you have a
relationship with your feelings?Are you just feeding the story?
The Shape Shifter is the one whobecomes something else. So if
you lose yourself inrelationship, most likely it's
the shape shifter and the selfsacrificer, because she becomes
something else to be liked andapproved of. And this happens a
(17:26):
lot in the beginning. I'd sayalmost everyone shape shifts in
the beginning. There's someversion, unless you're like, one
of those really stubborncontroller women who's like,
I'll be who I am, and I'm gonnapush you away by being so
intense, not not that you knowthat I'm saying, if it's coming
from the pattern you, you aremore than welcome to push people
away when you're being all ofwho you are and they don't like
you, they don't like that.That's okay too, but, but shape
(17:50):
shifting is so common in thebeginning, right? Because what
what we're taught to, like, woothe person and win them over. So
we're taught to just show allthe good things, or, like, even
fake things so that this personchooses you, right? So if you
feel like you lost yourself inrelationship, I'm pretty sure
you lost yourself earlier on,and I've said this before, but I
(18:11):
would say if you lose yourselfin relationship, you never had
yourself to begin with, becausewhen you're sovereign, you're
solid in yourself, you don't Idon't get swept away and lose
myself in other people's worldsnow at this point in my journey,
and if you do that's okay, itjust means that pattern is still
playing out for you. So theshape shifter is one the
(18:32):
isolator that is probably alsoplaying out and losing yourself.
Because if you're not sharingyour own feelings, and you're
not tending to your ownfeelings, and you're not
expressing your own feelings andbeing supported in your
feelings, probably you're justswept it by their world. And
then the controller is the onewho's trying to control the
relationship. Keep it together.Hold like holding on to the
(18:53):
banks of the river, rather thanjust letting the boat take you
or letting the the river carryyou. So the I mean, there's so
much more to each one. And Ialways link the saboteur mini
course, discover your saboteurbefore, but below, if you want
to learn more about it, but youreally want to take a hard look
at what are your patterns? Whatrole are you playing inside of
(19:17):
this dynamic, right? Whichparent are you playing? Are you
the child? And just know. Socircling back to what I said
about these two parts, you havethat wounded little girl in your
saboteur sidekick, and then youalso have that sovereign woman
that you can re you can connectwith and come from in any given
moment, right? The Sovereignwoman is the one who's really
(19:39):
clear, who's like, oh, thisactually doesn't feel aligned.
This. We've been in the samepattern over and over and over
again, and this is just a no forme. When I close my eyes and
feel into my heart, you want toknow what your standards are.
You want to know what your nonnegotiables are, so you can
actually feel in your heart ifit feels aligned like. For me,
(20:01):
you know, obviously changeshappen. People go through
transition, but I need to be ina relationship with someone who,
who's on purpose, who caresabout what they're doing in the
world, who he's making animpact. Now, my last partner was
a football is a football coach,and he is so in love with what
he does, football like soccer.For those of you that are from
(20:23):
North America, he's a footballcoach, and he absolutely is
obsessed with what he does. He'salways studying, he's always
researching, he's alwaysgrowing, he's always getting
better. He just got hired by aneven better team in Athens this
year, and which is reallyexciting. And he is so
passionate about what he doesthat matters to me. And really,
(20:43):
what this is about is not aboutme being like, Okay, what is
that guy good enough for me? Oram I good enough for them? We're
not looking outside of ourselvesto see when you're home and
you're anchored in yoursovereignty. Relationship is a
match to who you are. It's amatch. So I attracted him
because I am that right. I'mdriven. I'm and not driven in a
like, masculine, ambitious,like, I want to be successful
(21:05):
way. I'm I'm deeply inspired bywhat I do. I love my work in the
world. He's the same. Iattracted that because I am,
that he's also incrediblyhealthy. I attracted that
because I'm am, that he takescare of his body. He doesn't
drink very much alcohol. Heexercises every day. He cares
about what he eats. He's superdevoted to his health. He's also
(21:28):
emotionally intelligent. So allof these things that I attracted
in that relationship werebecause I am that. So in your
relationship, when you start toidentify what patterns you're
bringing to the table, and thenyou start to identify, what are
your standards, what are yournon negotiables and and how am I
not embodying those?
Because if you're not embodyingthose, you're not going to
(21:51):
attract it. Because even ifsomeone you know, your partner,
is going through a hard time, ifthey are sovereign, they will do
everything they can to heal, togrow, to get support, to evolve
beyond this and use this as acatalyst. If you're in a
relationship with someone who'sjust struggling all the time,
and they're not they're notmotivated, they're not driven,
(22:11):
and they're just going down,they're pro they might not be a
match for who you are in theworld. So that's also something
to look at, but we can't reallyknow, and I think that you're in
such a such a more powerfulplace, inside of the
relationship, inside of yourdecisions about the
relationship, when you knowyou're bringing all of you to
the table, and not yourpatterns. So start to look at,
(22:34):
where am I shape shifting? Wheream I sacrificing? Where am I
trying to rescue him? Okay, ifI'm rescuing him. I'm like,
trying to save the saboteurthat's not, not actually
savable, and the Wounded Littlechild. I'm trying to save his
wounded little child, meanwhileabandoning my own in those
(22:54):
moments, right? So I have toknow that, that I can't actually
save him, because then I'moperating for my Wounded Child,
right? If I'm in my pattern andI'm trying to rescue someone
from their pattern, I'm inWounded Child. So I just think,
imagine, actually there's at theimmersion. Every time some women
(23:15):
ask me, like Kate, you hear somany crazy, traumatic stories
from your clients, and like, somuch deep stuff comes up at the
immersion, how do you not fallapart? Like, how do you not take
that on? And I'm like, can youimagine you came to the
immersion to awaken all of whoyou are and to heal that Wounded
Little Girl and to learn how tolove yourself in a new way. And
(23:37):
every time you shared a story, Ifell apart. Every time you
shared something hard, you wentthrough, I fell apart. Can you
imagine? I mean, okay, maybe thelittle girl would be like, Well,
that's nice. You care becauseyou're crying and you're but
like, I wouldn't actually beable to help anyone, right? If
I'm not standing in my ownsovereignty, I can't help
anyone. I can't actually guideyou back home to who you are. If
(24:01):
I'm it's this is sympathy versusempathy. If I'm jumping in the
pit with you, that's sympathy.Now we're both in the pit. What
are we going to do from there?So if you're doing that with
your partner, you can't actuallyhelp them from that place. But
if you're sitting in the seat ofsovereignty, and you're taking
full responsibility foryourself, and you're loving up
your Wounded Little girl, whenshe arises about your partner,
(24:23):
and you you heal her, and youlove her, and you talk to her,
and you sit with her, and you bewith her, and you let her feel.
And then you come back to that,that solid place inside of
yourself, and focus on you andyour world, and you keep doing
the things to feed your own soulso you stay expanded now you can
help so much more so theimmersion, for example, every
(24:45):
single morning, I'm up at 5amand I'm meditating and I'm
moving and I'm dancing and I'mwriting. Sometimes I write
poetry. Sometimes I write raps,and it's like just whatever
comes out, and then sometimes Iread. Them in the session.
Sometimes a brand new segmentcomes through that wasn't even
there before, because I'm soplugged in to the My Divinity
(25:07):
and that channel, the new stuffcomes through for every group,
because I'm taking all that timefor myself in the morning, and
that's how I start the day,right? If something was intense
the day before, I get to movethrough it when I do those
practices in the morning, andI'll do it before bed too if
needed, but that's how I havethe capacity. And those of you
who haven't been to theimmersion Don't, don't know how
(25:29):
intense it is, but it's, it's,it's an intense experience
because we're breaking throughlifetimes of conditioning and
and limitation and chains thatare invisible, prison cell
prison walls and chains thatbind you and keep you in your
small self. So it is an intenseexperience in the most
beautiful, playful, magical,emotional, wild way. It's so
(25:53):
beautiful, but it's a lot. Sothank goodness I know how to
plug into my sovereignty, and Ilive from that place, and you
can too. So I just gave you alittle bit of a clue by painting
the picture of my mornings. Soif you are losing yourself in
relationships, that means youdon't really have yourself, you
don't you don't really have yourown back. You're not really
(26:14):
solid in yourself yet, andthat's okay. It's a journey,
right? It took me a long time toget here. I'm I'm, I live from
this place most of the time, andI have all the tools and
awareness and practices when Iam in contraction and when my
small self arises I am I knowhow to tend to her, right? I
know how to move through that soyou get to too. And again, it's
(26:35):
a practice. That's why I sayit's not work, but it's a
practice. If you pick up amusical instrument and you've
never played it before. You'regood. It's going to be really
hard in the beginning, and it'sgonna be hard to commit to
practicing. It's gonna be hardto read the music at first.
There's gonna be a part of youthat doesn't believe in you,
that doesn't believe it'spossible. That's your saboteur,
because your sabotage like, no,no, don't try something new.
(26:56):
You're gonna be bad at this.What if you're bad? What if you
fail? What if you embarrassyourself? What if? What if? What
if? What if? That part's alwaysgoing to be there. And your job
is to keep coming back to thepractice and say, You know what?
Something about this feelsreally good my body, even though
I suck at it, even though I'mterrible when I listen to a
French horn, something happensin my body, and I need to
(27:16):
explore that. I need to trustthat. And the practice your
french horn every single day forthe next 20 years, and you will
be a masterful French hornplayer. Perhaps you will be in a
symphony somewhere in magical inthe world, at the Sydney Opera
House. Let's say so that iswhat's available to you when
you're devoted. So the firstthing is, identify your
(27:37):
patterns, identify what roleyou're playing, mommy, daddy,
rescuer. I mean, mommy's therescuer, daddy, Daddy's the
provider. Like, what role areyou playing? Are you the
teenager? Are you the baby, thelittle girl, and and then step
two is, is, is really developingand growing your sovereignty,
rooting into your sovereignty,and rooting into the the
(28:00):
agreement with yourself that Ichoose to no longer have co
dependent relationships. Ichoose because if I'm sovereign,
I'm not going to make my partnerresponsible for my pain, and I'm
not going to make myselfresponsible for his pain. I'm
also not going to make him and Isay him or her, whoever I'm also
or they, whatever. I'm not goingto make him responsible for my
(28:23):
pleasure either, and I'm notgoing to make myself responsible
for his pleasure, right? Ifyou're just self, if you're just
pleasuring him because you thinkyou're supposed to, versus being
in your own pleasure and thendesiring it very different. So
sovereignty means I amresponsible for everything
that's happening inside of me,and that's where I keep my
(28:43):
attention, and that's where myrelationship is. And when my
saboteur shows up and thepatterns want to take over, I
use that as an indicator that Iget to go deeper into myself,
like cool. My saboteur is loud.It's a portal. Now I can do sit
with her. Have plan a littledate night. Let, like, light
(29:04):
some candles, put up some music.Create an experience for
yourself. Do some reflecting.What does my saboteur have to
say? Oh, I feel responsible forhim. Like, what if something bad
happens? Only, like, he can'thandle his feelings? Blah, blah,
blah, story, story, story,story. Okay, then close your
eyes. Put your hands on yourheart. What am I feeling
underneath? What's a little girlfeeling or believing? I'm
feeling responsible for them.I'm feeling
(29:26):
and maybe if you feelresponsible for your partner in
relationship, you could alsolook at, did I have to be
responsible for my parents orfor my siblings when I actually
wasn't? That wasn't my job as achild, right? Children are
supposed to be children, butmany, many, many, many, many,
many, many children, becauseparents, God, it's not an easy
feat being a parent. And youknow, all the things our parents
(29:48):
went through and they were goingthrough and trying to, trying
to, to do, trying to do, whiletrying to raise children and
have jobs and have traumas andhave so much stuff like. Just
humans are have so much goingon. So parenting is one of the
biggest, hardest I'd say it'sthe biggest, hardest job in the
world. And hats off to all thosemamas out there. But so if you
(30:12):
if your parents, you know, ifyou were the one who was made
responsible as a child for yourmom's feelings or for your dad
or for your siblings, becauseyour parents were too busy to
take care of your siblings, sothat was on you. This is
probably why you lose yourselfin relationship, and why you
take on other people's stuff. Sothat's something to reflect on
too, not to blame your parents,but to look as it like a
(30:34):
detective. This is what I dowhen I'm working with women. We
start to understand the patternlike, Hmm, where did this come
from? And we're looking at itthrough the lens of a detective,
not blaming anyone, not shaminganyone, not it really, because
it allows you to actually makenew choices, right? It was their
responsibility when you were akid, but your parents didn't
(30:54):
know what they didn't know, andthey were doing their best, but
now you know what they didn'tknow, so now it's not their
responsibility, even though alot of adults would like to get
it from their parents, still,but it's yours. It's actually
your responsibility to take careof that little part of you,
right? It's your responsibilityto listen to your heart. It's
(31:15):
your responsibility to clean upyour side of the street. So make
a choice to yourself that youare going to live from
sovereignty. You're going totake responsibility for your
feelings if you don't know howwork with me, work with someone
like me, start to get a supportsystem around you so you can
learn how to be in an empoweredrelationship inside of yourself.
It is a practice, and like Isaid, it's a lifelong journey,
(31:37):
but it does get easier as yougo, because you know how to
navigate the challenges thatlife brings. So when you come
from that place and you're solidin yourself, and you clean up
codependency, right? You cleanup giving up that girls weekend
because your partner is goingthrough a hard time. You going
on the girls weekend is youfilling your own cup, which is
actually the third thing I wasgoing to suggest. The third step
(31:59):
is fill your own cup. Keeppouring into your own cup. So
you giving up going on thatgirls weekend or going on that
retreat you've always wanted togo to because you're afraid of
your your kids can't handle youbeing away from them, or your
partner is is going to be upsetif you leave for that long. If
you have that's codependency,right? If there's something on
(32:20):
your heart that you are like, Ihave to do this. This is a yes
or it feels so alive, but you'reyou've been siphoning that.
That's what you have to cleanup, right? Clean up all the
places in which you'resacrificing yourself for the
other person, knowing it's nothelping either of you. The only
thing that actually is givingyour relationship energy and the
(32:43):
the the only thing that's goingto actually help your
relationship shift, if it'smeant to, is you being sovereign
and you filling your own cup,and you coming from that place
of wholeness and fullness, sothat when you come to your
partner, you actually havecapacity to Hear them, and you
can love them and hold space forthem without taking it on,
(33:05):
because their feelings aren'tyours. And the more you can do
that, the more you also teachthem that they can just have
feelings without having to takethemselves out, or they can have
feelings without having to getstuck in the story. Like if
you're if you're helpingyourself not get stuck in the
story, why don't you do thatwith your partner? Sit with
them, listen to them, hear them,let them vent, and call it event
(33:26):
session, and then say, you knowI hear you. Thank you so much
for sharing. I understand whythat would feel frustrating. I
understand how scary it feelsright now to not have a job. And
I also see the man that you are.I know the man that you are, and
I see what's possible for you,and I know that something
amazing is coming and that thisis all divine, like, share your
perspectives like that, whereyou're actually holding them,
(33:48):
your partner to their highestyou're seeing them in their
sovereignty. You're seeing themin their heroin or hero, as
opposed to seeing the WoundedChild and be like, Oh, you're
wounded. I'm gonna get woundedand small too, because, like,
that's not going to help anyone.If you jump in the pit, who's
going to save you, that's notgoing to help anyone, right? So
(34:08):
sovereignty, identifying yourpatterns, coming back to your
sovereignty, and starting tountether from all of the CO
dependency, all the places inwhich you give up you for other
people. And if it's happening inyour romantic relationship,
definitely, it's happening manyother places. So look everywhere
for codependency, and then keeppouring into you. Keep exploring
(34:31):
that which lights you up. Yourbody will tell you what
resonates. And every time youfeel a body, yes, just know your
saboteur is going to be rightbehind you being like, no, no,
don't do that thing because itfeels like a yes and yeses are
bad. Your saboteur believesyeses are bad because, you know,
expansion was once upon a time,not the thing that we were shut
(34:52):
down from. So let yourself,like, really listen to those
yeses and do things that arenourishing and nurturing to your
own heart. So that you you're amore solid everything in the
world, but you will be a muchbetter partner when you're
coming from this place. And ifyou're not in a relationship,
this is the time. I mean, youcan do it when you're in a
relationship too, but definitelywhen you're not in a
(35:13):
relationship, use this time tobuild a solid relationship with
you. There is nothing moreimportant than that, and then
you were set up to have solidrelationships in every facet of
your life, and also a much moremagical life. Trust me, your
life's gonna get a lot betterwhen you have a solid
relationship within and you'recoming and making choices from
(35:34):
that sovereignty and from thatheart centered place, it's gonna
get a lot better, and so willyour relationship. So I'll
circle back to the parent childthing, that that dynamic that
plays out in relationship is notsexy nobody. That's why we then
have fantasies about otherpeople or like leaving our
relationship or running. But ifyou clean up your side of the
(35:55):
street there, it's way morelikely, because that pattern
can't exist if you're notparticipating in it. So if
you're currently playing therole of your partner's mother,
and you stop playing his mother,he has to become empowered to do
things himself. Right? He cannotbe in that teenage place for
very long, because eithernothing will get done, He'll
(36:16):
starve, like if you're notmaking him food, or whatever the
role is that you're playing,he'll have to figure it out
himself, or you'll get clearthat this relationship is not
aligned, like, hey, if I'm notplaying this pattern and he's
still not showing up forhimself, perhaps it's not a
match for who I am and who I'mbecoming. Because your
relationship has to match whoyou are, right? If you are
coming down to save someonethat's not matching who you are,
(36:41):
you are vibrating and and Imean, it's matching your
pattern, but it's not matchingwho you really are. So the more
you you build that lovingrelationship within, the more
you vibrate at a higherfrequency, and then you become
aligned for relationships thatare matched to that, and not
just romantic relationships. Allyour relationships will be a
(37:02):
match to who you've become whenyou become her, rather than
thinking, Okay, no, I need a manthat's more like this. I need a
I need friends that are morelike this. And you look out
there and what needs to changeout there, change it inside,
become what you need, becomeher, and then everything that
you desire to experience will,will, will manifest and will be
attracted to you because it'scoming from that sovereign place
(37:23):
inside and you are it your lifeis a reflection of who you are
and where you're coming fromwithin yourself. So if you're
struggling in your relationship,look in the mirror. It's all a
reflection of where you'recoming from in you. That's why
it hurts. It doesn't hurtbecause of what's going on over
there. It hurts because of whoyou become in when you're around
someone who's going through ahard time, or when you're around
(37:45):
someone that doesn't feelaligned. So come home like every
episode That's it, keep pouringinto you. My loves keep pouring
into you. So hopefully that washelpful, and I would love to
hear from you. Let me know, whatelse you want me to talk about?
What? What? What kind ofepisodes you want to hear,
conversations you want me tohave, and as always, spread this
(38:06):
episode to all the women youknow need to hear it. And I'm
sending you all the love in theworld for your journey, and I'll
see you next week.
Like, okay, I need to sacrifice myself right now
(00:02):
because he's going through ahard time, so I'm just going to
shape shift and sacrifice, andI'm going to be there over
function, and I'm going to behis therapist, and I'm going to
be his mom, and I'm going to behis everything, because he can't
do laundry now and he can't cookdinner now, and he can't do this
and he can't do that, so I'mgoing to do everything to make
him feel better. But what thatactually does is it enables the
(00:24):
pattern, and it enables him tostay stuck. So that's the irony
of our patterns. Your saboteur,100% of the time thinks she's
solving something, but 100% ofthe time she's actually creating
the very thing that she's tryingto solve. She thinks she's she
thinks she's fixing it, butshe's actually creating it.
Because you're not seeing thisperson in their sovereignty,
right? If you're not coming fromthat anchored, solid, whole
(00:46):
place inside of yourself whereyou're only responsible for you
and you're taking the deepest,most impeccable care of you, so
you can be a better partner anda better human in the world. If
you're not in that place, you'regoing to get hooked into
rescuing them, thinking that'shelping them, but that's not
helping them. That's hurtingthem, and more importantly, it's
hurting you.
Hello, beautiful. Welcome backto the new truth podcast. Kate
(01:10):
here. Hope you're having a greatsummer wherever in the world you
are, or maybe it's winter whereyou are, because either you're
listening to this six monthslater or you're in the southern
hemisphere, but I hope you'rehaving a beautiful time wherever
you are, even amidst all theworld chaos right now. Don't
spend your time talking aboutit. Me and Mariana have a mantra
(01:31):
that we say to each other. Ithink I've said it on the
podcast before. I'm having heron really soon. My my love of my
life, Mariana, I talk about hera lot. She's been on the podcast
a few times, but one of ourfavorite mantras is, Don't take
the bait. Don't take the bait.There's endless bait out there
to take, to stress about, toworry about, to focus on. And,
(01:53):
you know, the best gift we cangive the world is to be a an
aligned human that's walkingthrough it, that's actually
present and connected and, youknow, happy and and on purpose,
and making an impact and givingfrom a place of overflow and
able to like, serve the world inall the ways, from your heart,
not from your fear. So I guessthat's where I'm starting. I
(02:14):
didn't plan on saying, Well, Idon't really plan anything. So
here we are. But I just wantedto say too, if you have anything
going on in your relationships,in your life right now that you
want me to talk about, send me amessage and let me know. Hey,
I'd love to hear an episode onthis or on that, because there's
obviously endless perspectivesto take, endless things to
(02:36):
unpack here every week. So buttoday we are going to dive into
how to not lose yourself inrelationship, especially when
your partner is struggling. Andso there was someone actually in
the Facebook group. I apologizefor my absence in the Facebook
group. If you want to ask aboutepisodes in the Facebook group
or request episodes, I will bemore present. Just tag me,
(02:57):
because I'm not really on socialmedia very much. So Catherine
was on there a whole lot morethan me. But I went in there
today. It's been a very longtime, and I saw a really
beautiful question someone wasasking, when your partner's
going through job loss or lossin their life, or mental health
issues or their own stuff? Howdo you not take it on? So that's
(03:18):
what inspired this message, andI wanted to expand it to how to
not lose ourselves inrelationship, because that is
the case for so many women.Yeah, oh my gosh. I just have so
much to say about that. But Ithink if we go back to where,
where, like, the Institute ofmarriage and relationship came
from, it used to be a businessarrangement. And I think about
(03:39):
it, it's like, really, this ideathat men would women would just
serve men. So men could go outand do things in the world
right? Men could go out andfight for a war. Men could go
out and not that that was apleasant thing for them to do,
but men could go out and providefor the family. Men could could
go and do their thing, and womenwould stay home and take care of
(04:01):
everything for them. So soundsreally romantic. Sign me up? No,
I'm just kidding, but it's true,right? It used to be a business
arrangement, and having a familywas like a business, and it
still is. And yet in the modernworld, we also have plastered
all over the relationship like,your man has to be your Prince
Charming. He has to be the one.He has to be super romantic. He
(04:23):
has to make you feel beautifuland make you feel special. And
he has to be, you know,conscious now, and he has to be
a Superior Man. And blah, blah,blah. And it goes on and on and
on. And we essentially in theold paradigm of relationship,
whether it's the, you know,spiritually conscious version or
or not, the fairy talerelationship of being rescued by
(04:44):
love, by a relationship, weessentially make our partners
God, and then what happens? Webecome like a servant to them, a
servant to God, inside of therelational dynamic. So the old
paradigm is so co dependent,right? It's our. Our nervous
system and our emotionalstability is dependent on what's
happening inside ourrelationship, what our partners
(05:04):
bringing or not bringing to thetable. And there's so much
effect that we have when we'rein these co dependent,
structured relationships. Soeven you know the idea that we
when you're in a relationship,you need to rush towards living
together and sharing a space andsharing a bed every single night
of your life, and sharing dinnerevery night if you have normal
(05:25):
nine to five jobs, and how muchtime do you spend with your
partner sharing weekendstogether? I find most women fall
on one side or the other. Theyeither spend no time with their
partner because they're soindependent and their partner's
so independent, but they don'thave a lot of intimacy between
them, or they spend too muchtime together, and that where
(05:46):
it's just like you go to workall day, and then you're home
and your partner's there, andyou're just together all the
time. So that type ofrelationship is really
suffocating to the soul,because, of course, we need
intimacy, we need love. We needconnection. We need
relationships. And relationshipsare so important. I believe
they're one of the greatestopportunities to grow. And if we
(06:09):
aren't rooted in ourselves, andwe aren't able to see the
relationship through the newparadigm lens, which is, let the
relationship surprise you letthe relationship unfold, but
don't, don't let it becomeeverything, right? The old
paradigm is like, myrelationship is everything.
People speak in the we, when youget like that, talk about
codependency, when you speak inthe we, like, oh, we would love
(06:33):
to do that. Oh, we had a greattime. We, we, we, we, that would
actually be the first place tolook it's like, are you still an
individual inside of yourrelationship? Right? Do you do?
Is your partner an individualinside of your relationship? And
I've unpacked so manyrelationships over the years of
working with women, especiallythe last 10 years, I've been
(06:54):
coaching, as you know, for like,gosh, almost 20 years. But I
started as a business coach, andnow I'm obviously helping women
with their relationship withthemselves, but I've unpacked
many, many, many relationaldynamics with my clients over
the years, and what I noticedafter the first few years of
doing it, that in every singlerelational dynamic, and when I
(07:15):
say dynamic, I'm talking aboutlike the patterns that are
Playing out inside of therelationship in every relational
dynamic, one person is theadult, mom or dad, and the other
person is the Wounded Child,child or teenager, and that's
how they fit together. And thismight in your relationship. This
might change you might have indifferent areas of the
(07:35):
relationship. For example, youryour partner might be dad when
it comes to money, and you mightbe the little girl that doesn't
know how to do money, or maybethe I've heard a lot of recent
stories of the other way around,where you're the sovereign and
independent woman who makes allthe money, but your partner's
the teenage boy who it just doeswhatever he wants and doesn't
(07:57):
care, doesn't have a job anddoesn't care, doesn't have
purpose. There. That is the, anexample of the dynamic that
plays out. And then you mighthave emotionally the woman's
like the mom and the the the Iwas gonna say, Son, yeah, the
man is the son. The man is thechild, right? The child that
that can't quite express how hefeels, or that needs to be
(08:18):
coddled, or whatever the thingmight be. So you the first place
you want to look is, what roleare you playing inside of this
relationship, right? Are youmom? Are you dad? Are you
teenager? Are you child? Becauseall relationship relational
dynamics have that playing out.And if you are coming from that
place in your relationship, youyou cannot have intimacy from
(08:39):
that place. No wonder peoplestop having sex with each other,
right? Because usually whathappens because of the old
paradigm, because of the fairytale story that, oh, you're just
going to have love one day, andit's just going to answer all
your prayers and it's going tosweep you off your feet, and
it's going to make you feelhappy for the rest of your life,
(09:01):
and you're just going to sign acontract, and then you have that
thing, and it's complete. I'vetalked about this recently in an
episode that makes youcomplacent, right? So most
people think, okay, myrelationship's good. And then
our patterns creep in. Usually,our patterns creep in right at
the beginning, if you especiallyif you do not know your
(09:21):
patterns, and you're not rootedin your sovereignty. Most
people's patterns probably kickin before that, but they really
set in when we get to that placeof complacency, where we just
start to play roles inside ofthe relationship, instead of
really stay rooted in who I amand let every day be new. So you
want to first look at what whatam I bringing to the table? What
(09:43):
is my pattern? Right? If I'm ina relational dynamic where I'm
my pattern is to,
I mean, even choose partners whoare fixer uppers. Maybe your
partner is going through a hardtime right now, or maybe they're
always going through a hardtime. And are you actually
paying attention? Right? Did youchoose someone who needed
rescuing, and that was thefoundation in which you started
(10:05):
your relationship, versus yougoing through a hard time where
your partner suddenly lost aloved one or there, and I've
heard this so much, where andthen they change because they're
going through deep grief anddeep pain. That might have been
the case, but really look atwhere, where did this relational
dynamic start? Becausesovereignty is essential on both
(10:29):
ends, right? And the more rootedyou are in your sovereignty, the
more you will actually attractpeople who are also rooted in
theirs, people who don't expectyou to rescue them or don't want
you to take on their pain,people that know how to handle
their own pain and what to dowith it, and that have their own
support system outside of you,because even if you are married
(10:51):
to this person, you are notresponsible for their feelings.
You are not responsible fortheir pain. That doesn't mean
that you can't be really lovingand really supportive when
they've got something harshgoing on. And guess what? The
more rooted in your ownsovereignty and in your own
heart frequency you are and inyour own like, the more you come
(11:14):
from that place where you'refilled up within yourself and
you're still honoring and lovingyourself, the more likely
there's going to be a shift forthem, right? So your saboteur
pattern, your saboteur thinks,Okay, I need to sacrifice myself
right now because he's goingthrough a hard time, so I'm just
going to shape shift andsacrifice, and I'm going to be
there over function, and I'mgoing to be his therapist, and
(11:36):
I'm going to be his mom, and I'mgoing to be his everything,
because he can't do laundry nowand he can't cook dinner now,
and he can't do this, and hecan't do that, so I'm going to
do everything to make him feelbetter. But what that actually
does is it enables the pattern,and it enables him to stay
stuck. So that's the irony ofour patterns. Your saboteur 100%
of the time thinks she's solvingsomething, but 100% of the time
(11:59):
she's actually creating the verything that she's trying to
solve. She thinks she's shethinks she's fixing it, but
she's actually creating itbecause you're not seeing this
person in their sovereignty,right? If you're not coming from
that anchored, solid, wholeplace inside of yourself where
you're only responsible for youand you're taking the deepest,
most impeccable care of you, soyou can be a better partner and
(12:22):
a better human in the world. Ifyou're not in that place, you're
going to get hooked intorescuing them, thinking that's
helping them, but that's nothelping them. That's hurting
them, and, more importantly,it's hurting you. So this is the
thing about relationship, I saidin the episode, if you heard it
a couple of weeks ago, where Iwas talking about fantasy love
or real love. I was talkingabout this, and what I just
(12:45):
mentioned, the complacency ofrelationships once we just think
it's a done deal, and how we seeour partners as who they've
been, and we see ourselves aswho we've been, that is the most
harmful thing you could do toyourself, and literally,
everyone's doing it. I can'teven tell you how many times a
day I hear, Oh, it's just who Iam. Oh, yeah, this is who I am.
This is who I am. Oh, it's myanxious attachment style. It's
(13:07):
just who I am. No, it's not.That's not who you are. That's
who you learned how to be toprotect yourself when you're a
child. You are on this journeynow of learning how to come home
to the sovereign woman inside ofyou and become the heroine of
your own life and your ownstory. Because that is not who
you are. You are not theperfectionist, you are not the
shape shifter, you are not theself sacrifice, or you're not
(13:28):
the people pleaser. That's whoyou learn to be for survival as
a child. And now you're stillbeing that, right, and you're
thinking, you're believing, onsome level, it's who you are,
and it's what's going to keepyou safe, and it's what's going
to solve the problems, but it'sactually not solving anything.
It's creating the problems. It'skeeping you trapped in
relationships that feelunsatiating to your soul,
(13:49):
relationships that feelsiphoning and exhausting
depleting. You get to have lovethat meets you where you are. So
where are you in yourself? It'seasy to look at your partner and
be like, well, he's struggling,and I keep getting swept into
it. Well, if you keep gettingswept into it, my love, you're
struggling too, right? Becauseyour that means your pattern
(14:11):
currently has more strength, orhas more gravitas, I'll say,
than your heroine, than yoursovereignty, right? It means
that that part of you is leadingand in any given moment, and
whether you've been on a on aheroin journey with me or not, I
mean, I'd say everyone listeningto this podcast is on some sort
of a heroin journey with me. Butwhether you've worked with me or
(14:34):
not, you have inside of you atany given moment a little
wounded girl who has her littlesidekick, your saboteur
protector, that's actually herhurt. She's hurting her, right?
She's, in some cases, herabuser. Because, like, think
about the thoughts you haveabout yourself internally. Would
you if if someone talked to youlike that out loud? Would you
(14:56):
call it emotional abuse? So somesaboteurs are even a.
Emotionally abusive, and I don'tsay that to make them wrong and
bad. They think they're doing animportant job, and we needed
them when we were young. So Ialways say when I'm working with
women that you want to build aloving relationship with that
part of you. You just don't wantto let her lead your life,
right? So let's look at whatpatterns are playing out in your
(15:18):
relationship that are keepingyou stuck in the other person's
world, and whether it's apainful world that you're stuck
in or a pleasurable world, likefantasy love, where you're
getting like, you're gettinginto the world and all of a
sudden, you're doing all thesethings that you didn't do
before, but like, do youactually enjoy them? Is it
really aligned with your body?Does it feel good for you? Are
(15:40):
you just doing these thingsbecause you want to be the girl
that's a match for that guy,right? So you want to look at
what are your patterns. We talkwe've talked so many times about
the saboteur archetypes. Are youin fantasy? Are you in fantasy
about the idea of thisrelationship and this person
rather than actually listeningto your compass. How do you feel
(16:01):
when you're around them? How doyou feel in your body? Your body
knows, your body will tell youover and over and over again.
But if you're just swept by theidea of this person, if you're
swept by the idea of love, ifyou're so concerned about the
timeline or what your life lookslike, or you don't want to be
single, so you're just stayingin a relationship, or you're
(16:22):
terrified of hurting them, oryou're like, then you're in the
fantasy addict, right? The Selfsacrificer is the one who's
sacrificing herself and her ownlife to try and save the other
person, the rescuer, the peoplepleaser, the one who who just
goes along with things, who getssucked into someone else's
emotional world. And I would saythat's a little bit of shape
(16:44):
shifter, too. If you take onother people's emotions, we call
it empathy, or not empathy theempath, right? If you're an
empath, you and you're highlysensitive, you can feel other
people's feelings, but what'syour relationship with your
feelings? Right? Often empathsuse that as an excuse too. It's
like, oh, I'm an empath, so Ijust feel horrible all the time.
(17:04):
Well, are you going into yourbody and are you releasing your
feelings? Are you moving thefeelings? Do you have a
relationship with your feelings?Are you just feeding the story?
The Shape Shifter is the one whobecomes something else. So if
you lose yourself inrelationship, most likely it's
the shape shifter and the selfsacrificer, because she becomes
something else to be liked andapproved of. And this happens a
(17:26):
lot in the beginning. I'd sayalmost everyone shape shifts in
the beginning. There's someversion, unless you're like, one
of those really stubborncontroller women who's like,
I'll be who I am, and I'm gonnapush you away by being so
intense, not not that you knowthat I'm saying, if it's coming
from the pattern you, you aremore than welcome to push people
away when you're being all ofwho you are and they don't like
you, they don't like that.That's okay too, but, but shape
(17:50):
shifting is so common in thebeginning, right? Because what
what we're taught to, like, woothe person and win them over. So
we're taught to just show allthe good things, or, like, even
fake things so that this personchooses you, right? So if you
feel like you lost yourself inrelationship, I'm pretty sure
you lost yourself earlier on,and I've said this before, but I
(18:11):
would say if you lose yourselfin relationship, you never had
yourself to begin with, becausewhen you're sovereign, you're
solid in yourself, you don't Idon't get swept away and lose
myself in other people's worldsnow at this point in my journey,
and if you do that's okay, itjust means that pattern is still
playing out for you. So theshape shifter is one the
(18:32):
isolator that is probably alsoplaying out and losing yourself.
Because if you're not sharingyour own feelings, and you're
not tending to your ownfeelings, and you're not
expressing your own feelings andbeing supported in your
feelings, probably you're justswept it by their world. And
then the controller is the onewho's trying to control the
relationship. Keep it together.Hold like holding on to the
(18:53):
banks of the river, rather thanjust letting the boat take you
or letting the the river carryyou. So the I mean, there's so
much more to each one. And Ialways link the saboteur mini
course, discover your saboteurbefore, but below, if you want
to learn more about it, but youreally want to take a hard look
at what are your patterns? Whatrole are you playing inside of
(19:17):
this dynamic, right? Whichparent are you playing? Are you
the child? And just know. Socircling back to what I said
about these two parts, you havethat wounded little girl in your
saboteur sidekick, and then youalso have that sovereign woman
that you can re you can connectwith and come from in any given
moment, right? The Sovereignwoman is the one who's really
(19:39):
clear, who's like, oh, thisactually doesn't feel aligned.
This. We've been in the samepattern over and over and over
again, and this is just a no forme. When I close my eyes and
feel into my heart, you want toknow what your standards are.
You want to know what your nonnegotiables are, so you can
actually feel in your heart ifit feels aligned like. For me,
(20:01):
you know, obviously changeshappen. People go through
transition, but I need to be ina relationship with someone who,
who's on purpose, who caresabout what they're doing in the
world, who he's making animpact. Now, my last partner was
a football is a football coach,and he is so in love with what
he does, football like soccer.For those of you that are from
(20:23):
North America, he's a footballcoach, and he absolutely is
obsessed with what he does. He'salways studying, he's always
researching, he's alwaysgrowing, he's always getting
better. He just got hired by aneven better team in Athens this
year, and which is reallyexciting. And he is so
passionate about what he doesthat matters to me. And really,
(20:43):
what this is about is not aboutme being like, Okay, what is
that guy good enough for me? Oram I good enough for them? We're
not looking outside of ourselvesto see when you're home and
you're anchored in yoursovereignty. Relationship is a
match to who you are. It's amatch. So I attracted him
because I am that right. I'mdriven. I'm and not driven in a
like, masculine, ambitious,like, I want to be successful
(21:05):
way. I'm I'm deeply inspired bywhat I do. I love my work in the
world. He's the same. Iattracted that because I am,
that he's also incrediblyhealthy. I attracted that
because I'm am, that he takescare of his body. He doesn't
drink very much alcohol. Heexercises every day. He cares
about what he eats. He's superdevoted to his health. He's also
(21:28):
emotionally intelligent. So allof these things that I attracted
in that relationship werebecause I am that. So in your
relationship, when you start toidentify what patterns you're
bringing to the table, and thenyou start to identify, what are
your standards, what are yournon negotiables and and how am I
not embodying those?
Because if you're not embodyingthose, you're not going to
(21:51):
attract it. Because even ifsomeone you know, your partner,
is going through a hard time, ifthey are sovereign, they will do
everything they can to heal, togrow, to get support, to evolve
beyond this and use this as acatalyst. If you're in a
relationship with someone who'sjust struggling all the time,
and they're not they're notmotivated, they're not driven,
(22:11):
and they're just going down,they're pro they might not be a
match for who you are in theworld. So that's also something
to look at, but we can't reallyknow, and I think that you're in
such a such a more powerfulplace, inside of the
relationship, inside of yourdecisions about the
relationship, when you knowyou're bringing all of you to
the table, and not yourpatterns. So start to look at,
(22:34):
where am I shape shifting? Wheream I sacrificing? Where am I
trying to rescue him? Okay, ifI'm rescuing him. I'm like,
trying to save the saboteurthat's not, not actually
savable, and the Wounded Littlechild. I'm trying to save his
wounded little child, meanwhileabandoning my own in those
(22:54):
moments, right? So I have toknow that, that I can't actually
save him, because then I'moperating for my Wounded Child,
right? If I'm in my pattern andI'm trying to rescue someone
from their pattern, I'm inWounded Child. So I just think,
imagine, actually there's at theimmersion. Every time some women
(23:15):
ask me, like Kate, you hear somany crazy, traumatic stories
from your clients, and like, somuch deep stuff comes up at the
immersion, how do you not fallapart? Like, how do you not take
that on? And I'm like, can youimagine you came to the
immersion to awaken all of whoyou are and to heal that Wounded
Little Girl and to learn how tolove yourself in a new way. And
(23:37):
every time you shared a story, Ifell apart. Every time you
shared something hard, you wentthrough, I fell apart. Can you
imagine? I mean, okay, maybe thelittle girl would be like, Well,
that's nice. You care becauseyou're crying and you're but
like, I wouldn't actually beable to help anyone, right? If
I'm not standing in my ownsovereignty, I can't help
anyone. I can't actually guideyou back home to who you are. If
(24:01):
I'm it's this is sympathy versusempathy. If I'm jumping in the
pit with you, that's sympathy.Now we're both in the pit. What
are we going to do from there?So if you're doing that with
your partner, you can't actuallyhelp them from that place. But
if you're sitting in the seat ofsovereignty, and you're taking
full responsibility foryourself, and you're loving up
your Wounded Little girl, whenshe arises about your partner,
(24:23):
and you you heal her, and youlove her, and you talk to her,
and you sit with her, and you bewith her, and you let her feel.
And then you come back to that,that solid place inside of
yourself, and focus on you andyour world, and you keep doing
the things to feed your own soulso you stay expanded now you can
help so much more so theimmersion, for example, every
(24:45):
single morning, I'm up at 5amand I'm meditating and I'm
moving and I'm dancing and I'mwriting. Sometimes I write
poetry. Sometimes I write raps,and it's like just whatever
comes out, and then sometimes Iread. Them in the session.
Sometimes a brand new segmentcomes through that wasn't even
there before, because I'm soplugged in to the My Divinity
(25:07):
and that channel, the new stuffcomes through for every group,
because I'm taking all that timefor myself in the morning, and
that's how I start the day,right? If something was intense
the day before, I get to movethrough it when I do those
practices in the morning, andI'll do it before bed too if
needed, but that's how I havethe capacity. And those of you
who haven't been to theimmersion Don't, don't know how
(25:29):
intense it is, but it's, it's,it's an intense experience
because we're breaking throughlifetimes of conditioning and
and limitation and chains thatare invisible, prison cell
prison walls and chains thatbind you and keep you in your
small self. So it is an intenseexperience in the most
beautiful, playful, magical,emotional, wild way. It's so
(25:53):
beautiful, but it's a lot. Sothank goodness I know how to
plug into my sovereignty, and Ilive from that place, and you
can too. So I just gave you alittle bit of a clue by painting
the picture of my mornings. Soif you are losing yourself in
relationships, that means youdon't really have yourself, you
don't you don't really have yourown back. You're not really
(26:14):
solid in yourself yet, andthat's okay. It's a journey,
right? It took me a long time toget here. I'm I'm, I live from
this place most of the time, andI have all the tools and
awareness and practices when Iam in contraction and when my
small self arises I am I knowhow to tend to her, right? I
know how to move through that soyou get to too. And again, it's
(26:35):
a practice. That's why I sayit's not work, but it's a
practice. If you pick up amusical instrument and you've
never played it before. You'regood. It's going to be really
hard in the beginning, and it'sgonna be hard to commit to
practicing. It's gonna be hardto read the music at first.
There's gonna be a part of youthat doesn't believe in you,
that doesn't believe it'spossible. That's your saboteur,
because your sabotage like, no,no, don't try something new.
(26:56):
You're gonna be bad at this.What if you're bad? What if you
fail? What if you embarrassyourself? What if? What if? What
if? What if? That part's alwaysgoing to be there. And your job
is to keep coming back to thepractice and say, You know what?
Something about this feelsreally good my body, even though
I suck at it, even though I'mterrible when I listen to a
French horn, something happensin my body, and I need to
(27:16):
explore that. I need to trustthat. And the practice your
french horn every single day forthe next 20 years, and you will
be a masterful French hornplayer. Perhaps you will be in a
symphony somewhere in magical inthe world, at the Sydney Opera
House. Let's say so that iswhat's available to you when
you're devoted. So the firstthing is, identify your
(27:37):
patterns, identify what roleyou're playing, mommy, daddy,
rescuer. I mean, mommy's therescuer, daddy, Daddy's the
provider. Like, what role areyou playing? Are you the
teenager? Are you the baby, thelittle girl, and and then step
two is, is, is really developingand growing your sovereignty,
rooting into your sovereignty,and rooting into the the
(28:00):
agreement with yourself that Ichoose to no longer have co
dependent relationships. Ichoose because if I'm sovereign,
I'm not going to make my partnerresponsible for my pain, and I'm
not going to make myselfresponsible for his pain. I'm
also not going to make him and Isay him or her, whoever I'm also
or they, whatever. I'm not goingto make him responsible for my
(28:23):
pleasure either, and I'm notgoing to make myself responsible
for his pleasure, right? Ifyou're just self, if you're just
pleasuring him because you thinkyou're supposed to, versus being
in your own pleasure and thendesiring it very different. So
sovereignty means I amresponsible for everything
that's happening inside of me,and that's where I keep my
(28:43):
attention, and that's where myrelationship is. And when my
saboteur shows up and thepatterns want to take over, I
use that as an indicator that Iget to go deeper into myself,
like cool. My saboteur is loud.It's a portal. Now I can do sit
with her. Have plan a littledate night. Let, like, light
(29:04):
some candles, put up some music.Create an experience for
yourself. Do some reflecting.What does my saboteur have to
say? Oh, I feel responsible forhim. Like, what if something bad
happens? Only, like, he can'thandle his feelings? Blah, blah,
blah, story, story, story,story. Okay, then close your
eyes. Put your hands on yourheart. What am I feeling
underneath? What's a little girlfeeling or believing? I'm
feeling responsible for them.I'm feeling
(29:26):
and maybe if you feelresponsible for your partner in
relationship, you could alsolook at, did I have to be
responsible for my parents orfor my siblings when I actually
wasn't? That wasn't my job as achild, right? Children are
supposed to be children, butmany, many, many, many, many,
many, many children, becauseparents, God, it's not an easy
feat being a parent. And youknow, all the things our parents
(29:48):
went through and they were goingthrough and trying to, trying
to, to do, trying to do, whiletrying to raise children and
have jobs and have traumas andhave so much stuff like. Just
humans are have so much goingon. So parenting is one of the
biggest, hardest I'd say it'sthe biggest, hardest job in the
world. And hats off to all thosemamas out there. But so if you
(30:12):
if your parents, you know, ifyou were the one who was made
responsible as a child for yourmom's feelings or for your dad
or for your siblings, becauseyour parents were too busy to
take care of your siblings, sothat was on you. This is
probably why you lose yourselfin relationship, and why you
take on other people's stuff. Sothat's something to reflect on
too, not to blame your parents,but to look as it like a
(30:34):
detective. This is what I dowhen I'm working with women. We
start to understand the patternlike, Hmm, where did this come
from? And we're looking at itthrough the lens of a detective,
not blaming anyone, not shaminganyone, not it really, because
it allows you to actually makenew choices, right? It was their
responsibility when you were akid, but your parents didn't
(30:54):
know what they didn't know, andthey were doing their best, but
now you know what they didn'tknow, so now it's not their
responsibility, even though alot of adults would like to get
it from their parents, still,but it's yours. It's actually
your responsibility to take careof that little part of you,
right? It's your responsibilityto listen to your heart. It's
(31:15):
your responsibility to clean upyour side of the street. So make
a choice to yourself that youare going to live from
sovereignty. You're going totake responsibility for your
feelings if you don't know howwork with me, work with someone
like me, start to get a supportsystem around you so you can
learn how to be in an empoweredrelationship inside of yourself.
It is a practice, and like Isaid, it's a lifelong journey,
(31:37):
but it does get easier as yougo, because you know how to
navigate the challenges thatlife brings. So when you come
from that place and you're solidin yourself, and you clean up
codependency, right? You cleanup giving up that girls weekend
because your partner is goingthrough a hard time. You going
on the girls weekend is youfilling your own cup, which is
actually the third thing I wasgoing to suggest. The third step
(31:59):
is fill your own cup. Keeppouring into your own cup. So
you giving up going on thatgirls weekend or going on that
retreat you've always wanted togo to because you're afraid of
your your kids can't handle youbeing away from them, or your
partner is is going to be upsetif you leave for that long. If
you have that's codependency,right? If there's something on
(32:20):
your heart that you are like, Ihave to do this. This is a yes
or it feels so alive, but you'reyou've been siphoning that.
That's what you have to cleanup, right? Clean up all the
places in which you'resacrificing yourself for the
other person, knowing it's nothelping either of you. The only
thing that actually is givingyour relationship energy and the
(32:43):
the the only thing that's goingto actually help your
relationship shift, if it'smeant to, is you being sovereign
and you filling your own cup,and you coming from that place
of wholeness and fullness, sothat when you come to your
partner, you actually havecapacity to Hear them, and you
can love them and hold space forthem without taking it on,
(33:05):
because their feelings aren'tyours. And the more you can do
that, the more you also teachthem that they can just have
feelings without having to takethemselves out, or they can have
feelings without having to getstuck in the story. Like if
you're if you're helpingyourself not get stuck in the
story, why don't you do thatwith your partner? Sit with
them, listen to them, hear them,let them vent, and call it event
(33:26):
session, and then say, you knowI hear you. Thank you so much
for sharing. I understand whythat would feel frustrating. I
understand how scary it feelsright now to not have a job. And
I also see the man that you are.I know the man that you are, and
I see what's possible for you,and I know that something
amazing is coming and that thisis all divine, like, share your
perspectives like that, whereyou're actually holding them,
(33:48):
your partner to their highestyou're seeing them in their
sovereignty. You're seeing themin their heroin or hero, as
opposed to seeing the WoundedChild and be like, Oh, you're
wounded. I'm gonna get woundedand small too, because, like,
that's not going to help anyone.If you jump in the pit, who's
going to save you, that's notgoing to help anyone, right? So
(34:08):
sovereignty, identifying yourpatterns, coming back to your
sovereignty, and starting tountether from all of the CO
dependency, all the places inwhich you give up you for other
people. And if it's happening inyour romantic relationship,
definitely, it's happening manyother places. So look everywhere
for codependency, and then keeppouring into you. Keep exploring
(34:31):
that which lights you up. Yourbody will tell you what
resonates. And every time youfeel a body, yes, just know your
saboteur is going to be rightbehind you being like, no, no,
don't do that thing because itfeels like a yes and yeses are
bad. Your saboteur believesyeses are bad because, you know,
expansion was once upon a time,not the thing that we were shut
(34:52):
down from. So let yourself,like, really listen to those
yeses and do things that arenourishing and nurturing to your
own heart. So that you you're amore solid everything in the
world, but you will be a muchbetter partner when you're
coming from this place. And ifyou're not in a relationship,
this is the time. I mean, youcan do it when you're in a
relationship too, but definitelywhen you're not in a
(35:13):
relationship, use this time tobuild a solid relationship with
you. There is nothing moreimportant than that, and then
you were set up to have solidrelationships in every facet of
your life, and also a much moremagical life. Trust me, your
life's gonna get a lot betterwhen you have a solid
relationship within and you'recoming and making choices from
(35:34):
that sovereignty and from thatheart centered place, it's gonna
get a lot better, and so willyour relationship. So I'll
circle back to the parent childthing, that that dynamic that
plays out in relationship is notsexy nobody. That's why we then
have fantasies about otherpeople or like leaving our
relationship or running. But ifyou clean up your side of the
(35:55):
street there, it's way morelikely, because that pattern
can't exist if you're notparticipating in it. So if
you're currently playing therole of your partner's mother,
and you stop playing his mother,he has to become empowered to do
things himself. Right? He cannotbe in that teenage place for
very long, because eithernothing will get done, He'll
(36:16):
starve, like if you're notmaking him food, or whatever the
role is that you're playing,he'll have to figure it out
himself, or you'll get clearthat this relationship is not
aligned, like, hey, if I'm notplaying this pattern and he's
still not showing up forhimself, perhaps it's not a
match for who I am and who I'mbecoming. Because your
relationship has to match whoyou are, right? If you are
coming down to save someonethat's not matching who you are,
(36:41):
you are vibrating and and Imean, it's matching your
pattern, but it's not matchingwho you really are. So the more
you you build that lovingrelationship within, the more
you vibrate at a higherfrequency, and then you become
aligned for relationships thatare matched to that, and not
just romantic relationships. Allyour relationships will be a
(37:02):
match to who you've become whenyou become her, rather than
thinking, Okay, no, I need a manthat's more like this. I need a
I need friends that are morelike this. And you look out
there and what needs to changeout there, change it inside,
become what you need, becomeher, and then everything that
you desire to experience will,will, will manifest and will be
attracted to you because it'scoming from that sovereign place
(37:23):
inside and you are it your lifeis a reflection of who you are
and where you're coming fromwithin yourself. So if you're
struggling in your relationship,look in the mirror. It's all a
reflection of where you'recoming from in you. That's why
it hurts. It doesn't hurtbecause of what's going on over
there. It hurts because of whoyou become in when you're around
someone who's going through ahard time, or when you're around
(37:45):
someone that doesn't feelaligned. So come home like every
episode That's it, keep pouringinto you. My loves keep pouring
into you. So hopefully that washelpful, and I would love to
hear from you. Let me know, whatelse you want me to talk about?
What? What? What kind ofepisodes you want to hear,
conversations you want me tohave, and as always, spread this
(38:06):
episode to all the women youknow need to hear it. And I'm
sending you all the love in theworld for your journey, and I'll
see you next week.
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