The #1 Thing Women Over 40 Need to Know with Dr. Valerie Rein

Episode Transcript
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Dr. Valerie Rein (00:00):
So all these restrictions have been in place

(00:03):
for many, many years andimprinted, literally imprinted
in our consciousness, imprintedin our psyches, in our
subconscious, and transmitted asa survival instruction from
great grandmothers tograndmothers to their daughters,

(00:28):
to their daughters, etc, becausethe survival was predicated on
being accepted and being,frankly, pleasing and desirable
to men, because men were theonly way for women to survive.

Kate Harlow (00:46):
Hello, my loves. I am very excited for you to hear
this week's episode with a dearfriend of mine, soul sister and
author of patriarchy stressdisorder, Dr Valerie Rein is in
the house to help all you womenover 40 who have a very
important message that you'reabout to hear. Dr Valerie was on

(01:07):
the podcast a few years ago, sothis is the second time she's
been on the new truth. And she'sthe author of the book
patriarchy stress disorder. Nowthis is a game changing book.
She also coined the termpatriarchy stress disorder after
a couple of decades of workingin New York City as a therapist,
she worked with so many women,and she kept seeing the same
burnout, the same issues, andshe realized that women were

(01:29):
traumatized from living andworking and being raised inside
of a patriarchal system thatteach it, that treats them like
they're men. And so as she wrotethis book, it's absolutely
phenomenal. I've given it tolots of clients. I've read it
many times myself. I highlyencourage you to get this book.

(01:49):
And since she and her husbandJeffrey, have developed a system
called the thriving method tohelp women break free and heal
from patriarchy stress disorder,which so many women have. So she
talks all about it in thisepisode. Dr Valerie has been on
NBC, ABC, PBS, Psychology Today,she's done tons of media found
on many podcasts. She's anabsolute legend. She's so

(02:11):
beautiful, she's so sweet, she'sso just real and and and open
hearted and, but absolutelyfreaking brilliant. And this is
the work that she developed. SoI'm so excited to share it with
you today. Share it with all ofthe women you need to know who
are over 40, and if you're notover 40, this episode is for
you, because one day you will beover 40. But there's so much

(02:34):
that we need to know going intothis transition, and I hope you
enjoy and spread the word. Ofcourse, you Hello, beautiful.
I'm so excited for this episode.I have back a dear, dear friend
of mine, soul sister from well,I guess we go. We go way back,

(02:59):
way back. It was a while ago. Iwas almost going to say, like
five years ago, but no, this islike, way back. I'm so happy to
have you here again and to shareyour magic and your wisdom and
your incredible gifts with mycommunity, this community and
yeah, just to unpack this veryimportant conversation for women

(03:20):
over 40? If you're not a womanover 40, this is still relevant
for you, because you, one daywill be a woman over 40, so
definitely stay stay tuned. ButI'm so happy to be with you
again. Dr Valerie was on thepodcast like three years ago,
maybe a while ago, and wepromoted your book, and we'll

(03:43):
talk all about that today too.

But welcome back. Thank you. I'm thrilled to
be here, and yeah, we go back. Iwant to say at least a decade.
Yeah, it felt like a heartbeat,and so much magic unfolded when
we met, and so much magicunfolded since, and I'm thrilled
to be meeting as this at thisvery important juncture. It

(04:07):
feels like an hour work in theconversations that are unfolding
through us and what's happeningin the world right now, what's
unfolding feels like a verycatalytic, powerful moment to be
connecting and having thisconversation so grateful for you
and grateful for everyone who isin this conversation with us.

Me too. Yeah, I was actually thinking so we went to
mama Gina's weekend together,the weekend of Donald Trump's
inauguration when he waspresident the first time. That's
when it was and we met beforethat, but that's when we went to
that weekend together. Isn'tthat wild? And here we are
again.

Yeah? Chills, and here we are again. Oh my
gosh.

Who would have thought it would happen twice?
Not our podcast, Donald Trumpbeing the president. I. Wow,
yeah, today our conversation isgoing to be about the number one
thing women over 40 need toknow. And this is, like, this is
your jam and your book. I mean,I've given your book to so many
women. It is such it's like aBible with every woman. So it's

(05:14):
called patriarchy, stressdisorder. But do you want to
where do you want to start? Doyou want to share? Like, I'm
sure you'll weave stories allthe way through, but do you want
to just reveal it now, or leavethem hanging?

Unknown (05:23):
Or about the number one thing,

you're in charge. You're in charge. Oh my gosh,
no. Or some lead up, yeah.

So what happens right when we are in our
late 30s and that that's that.That was that period of time in
my life when you and I met, andthe things that unfolded from
there have been so, so powerful.I really felt like my life, and
you were just reflecting on thatwhen we chatted pre recording,

(05:59):
that I was feeling stuck. I wasfeeling stuck in my life, and
that was my reason for seekingand going places. You and I met
when you were on stage and youjust you had such beautiful,
beautiful, powerful energy, andI just felt like I needed to
connect with you, and I'm sohappy that I followed that

(06:22):
guidance and wonderful thingsunfolded from there. So I think
this is one of the first thing Iwant to share when you're
feeling stuck, when you'refeeling confused, when you have
this even small, little voicethat maybe there is more to your
life, maybe there is more todiscover. Trust that you may not

(06:44):
know it. Oh gosh, I did not knowanything at all, like what it's
going to look like, where thepath is taking me. It's just the
next right thing. And what isthe right thing is what feels
right in the moment weconnected. It felt exciting and
felt enlivening, and felt like Ijust wanted to have a

(07:06):
conversation with you, and thatconversation led to hanging out
together that weekend in NewYork City that sent other
dominoes forward, and that'swhat I want to really share with
women, because I know there isso much conditioning surrounding
us, always, every step of theway our entire lives, about how

(07:29):
we should be, how we should be,how we should look, how we
should act, how we should be inevery role. And I feel midlife
is that magical period in ourlives when that we begin to
question, that that begins tocrack, that begins to peel back,
and it may feel disorienting. Itmay feel even sometimes, like a

(07:54):
crisis, as something's gottagive, something's gotta go. And
I want to share this message ofperhaps hope. Don't be afraid of
that. Don't be afraid of theearth quaking. Don't be afraid
that things are opening up andfeeling disorienting. Follow

(08:15):
that thread of enliveningexcitement, even if it's really,
really small. Follow that littlespark, and don't be afraid to
discover what it has for you.And we can talk about all, all
the possibilities there that wecan get to in this time
together. Yeah, you

know, it's interesting, because when I
think about so that you'retalking about this. 40s is like
a potent portal. It's a powerfultime. And 50s, you know, it's
midlife really, when we start tono longer give a fuck. That's
not exactly how you phrased it,but you were a little bit more
close enough the softer versionof that, but the no longer give

(08:59):
a fuck energy. It's sointeresting because, isn't it
when patriarchy, which is youryour specialty, your secret
sauce, isn't it when patriarchystarts to devalue women and
women now women are, you know,freezing their faces and not
allowed to age and gotta look acertain way. I mean, we've
always had to look a certain wayaccording to patriarchy, but

(09:21):
like, all these standards in its40s, all of a sudden there's all
this pressure, because our valuegoes down in patriarchy, and our
value goes down. Then why?Because we actually come into
our power then, like, isn'tthat? Is that like that for a
reason?

Yeah, you expressed it so eloquently.
Yeah, it just had this visual ofthe stock market right when the
value like, there's the red linetrending down, down, down.
That's the woman's value afterquote, unquote, a certain age,
in the eyes of the patriarchyand. Hidden there. What's not

(10:02):
visible on that cultural chartis the opportunity for this, the
actual value, the authenticvalue, to skyrocket. But we need
to pull back the veil. We needto see through the delusion of
this cultural programming, andit's easy said than done. So

(10:25):
this is, this is what I've beenunfolding. What has been
unfolding through me, my journeyhas been this awareness that the
impact of patriarchy over 5000years? 10,000 years, different
people put a different number onit. But how long patriarchy has

(10:47):
been the way of life in thisculture? We now know from the
research in the science ofepigenetics that trauma is
genetically transmitted, and ifwe accept that oppression is
traumatic, that for women to noteven own our bodies for the bulk

(11:16):
of that time, not own ourbodies, Not own our destinies,
not own, the means ofproduction, aka not being able
to make our own money or to evenhave our own bank account, which
was the case even in the UnitedStates up until just a few
decades ago, or Up until late80s, a woman could not borrow

(11:42):
money

for her 60s, late 80s,

late 80s, yeah, yeah. Without a male
cosigner, a woman could not takeout a business loan. So all
these restrictions have been inplace for many, many years, and
imprinted, literally imprintedin our consciousness, imprinted

(12:10):
in our psyches, in oursubconscious, and transmitted as
a survival instruction fromgreat grandmothers to
grandmothers, to theirdaughters, to their daughters,
etc, because the survival waspredicated on being accepted and

(12:34):
being, frankly, pleasing anddesirable to men. Because men
were the only way for women tosurvive.

Oh my gosh. I've never heard anyone phrase it
like that before, unless yousaid it last time, and I don't
remember that hit me so deep.Can you say that again?

Yeah, men have been the only way for women to
survive, aka being pleasing tomen, being approved by by men,
being desired by men.

It was survival before, and now we're doing it,
and we don't actually have to doit, but it's still ingrained in
us to do it. And actually likesurvival because you had no
rights, no voice, no money, noand no power, no

legal rights, oh, my God, and no right to
vote, no right to own property,no legal rights to own children.
And up until 1960s or so, 50s,60s in both us in the UK, and I
imagine other countries as well,a husband could send his wife to

(13:48):
mental asylum just because, justbecause, like, maybe he was
having an affair and she wasbeing disagreeable,
unreasonable, so he could lockher away. It's unconscionable,
right? When we start peelingback those layers, and why do
that? Some women may say, Well,why do this? Because things are

(14:10):
different now. We can make ourown money, we can decide our own
destiny, and we don't even haveto if we're not straight, we
don't have to pass for straightto survive. We have the freedom
of sexual expression. We haveall that right and and it is

(14:36):
amazing that we do. It'sbeautiful that we do. It's
important to recognize, even ifwe don't believe any of that BS,
that we need a man to survive,we need anybody to approve of us
at all, to survive, to beaccepted, to thrive, to be okay,
to be loved, to belong, we maynot consciously believe any of

(14:57):
that what drives our. Ourthoughts, our emotions and
actions, behaviors, is oursubconscious. It is our
subconscious that drives it, andin our subconscious imprinted
are those survival instructions.They have not been updated and

(15:19):
upgraded because they they'rerooted very, very deeply, and
our survival programming is notchanged just because the
environment changes. And eventhat is kind of questionable
right now, like the changes inthe environment right now, what

(15:39):
we have the political climateright now. Is that really
conducive to women feeling safeand relaxed and free? We Yeah,
we can consider that too. Soit's kind of it's a mixed bag of
news, good news, bad news, goodnews is also like, yes, this

(16:02):
awareness may sound like badnews, but it's not. Your freedom
begins at this point ofawareness, understanding that
whatever is holding you backthat you might have been trying
to, quote, unquote fix, withtherapy, with personal
development, work, reading selfhelp books, doing all that good
stuff. I'm sure you've benefitedfrom it. It has all been helpful

(16:26):
for your growth, but maybe youhaven't felt like yourself,
fully yourself. I can you. Youcan fully be free, unencumbered,
unbound, in your life, in yourrelationships, in your work, in
the world, it is not your fault.It's not because you've been
failing at that. It's notbecause you haven't worked hard

(16:47):
enough. It is because there'ssomething deeper. There's this
missing piece that mostframeworks don't consider,
therapy doesn't consider for themost part. Maybe there are a
handful of outlier therapiststhat work with that, but not in
general, right? So understandingthat missing piece is there,

(17:12):
perhaps can help you getyourself let yourself off the
hook of, oh, I have failed. Icannot do this and consider,
well, I haven't really addressedthis yet, great, and it does not
dissolve just because we areaware of it. That's another

(17:33):
piece.

And hold on, is the missing piece? Specifically,
just to be clear, patriarchy,stress disorder, would you say?
Is that or the impact ofpatriarchy. That's the missing
piece.

Yeah, I I've come to call it patriarchy
stress disorder. That's thewording that came through, yes,
when I was becoming aware ofthat and working on the book.
You can call it whatever youwant to call it. Really, it's
understanding that there areintergenerational patterns,
intergenerational and collectivepatterns that affect us, of and

(18:05):
they're seated in thesubconscious. They didn't start
with us. We're not responsiblefor creating them, but they
affect our thoughts, emotionsand behavior, because that the
subconscious drives the bus. Thesubconscious drives the bus. No
matter what we think up there,the subconscious always wins. So
knowing what's there and notjust saying, Oh, I don't believe

(18:28):
that, but actually looking at,well, what are my thoughts, what
are my emotions, what are myactions? And if there is a gap
between how you desire your lifeto be and how it actually is,
consider maybe you haven't beenfailing. Maybe it's been your
subconscious driving the bus ina different direction, and

(18:51):
perhaps it's not your fault, butit doesn't mean that it's not
within your reach, and I wouldeven say your responsibility now
that you know that to heal it,to heal it for yourself, because
we also know this fromepigenetics, that we can heal
this trauma. And there arepractices that have been you

(19:15):
know that they've been testedand practiced, and we've
collected everything we couldget our hands on me and my
husband, we work together onthat in we've collected it in
the system that we call thethriving method. And there are
other methods as well that workwith intergenerational
collective trauma. We justhappen to specialize in PSD,

(19:39):
because that has been the thingthat had not been unpacked
before, and we're just in thevery beginning of who sending
that healing and awarenessthrough the world, because it
needs to happen. It has tohappen. That's why I say it is
our responsibility, because wehave the privilege of having
access to. To this information,to the science, to these

(20:04):
practices, I feel it is ourresponsibility to set ourselves
free from the inside out, and bydoing that, we create more
freedom in the world. We createmore freedom for others,
regardless of gender. Yeah, andthat's the beauty of it, healing
the collective trauma we and allparticipate in

it, exactly. And though, I think the only way,
you know, there's still so muchyou know, trying to change the
systems externally, but I thinkthe systems will only change
when we change parts, when westop participating in them
internally, and do the healinginternally. I have a couple of
questions for you. So first, Iwould love for you to define
patriarchy for it, because it'sa word that gets thrown around a

(20:47):
lot. I feel like some womenmight not even fully grasp the
concept, and then following thatwe talked about when we first
reconnected today, you youmentioned, like, it's worse than
ever, right now. You know it'slike, we think, Oh, we've kind
of let me too movement. We've,like, healed everything. We're
good, like, we've changed. We'vechanged. Women have rights, yay.

(21:09):
But like, how it's actuallysneakily, like, infiltrated
everything now. So let's talkabout both those two things.

Awesome. Yeah. Great question, Kate, what is
patriarchy? There are manydefinitions, and to give like a
life kind of snapshot, like, ifyou Google patriarchy, I don't
know if it's still the case. Idon't know what AI will bring
up, but it used to be, last timeI did it, a couple of years ago,

(21:37):
that Google would bring up thefirst match would be something
along the lines of, it's aboogeyman that feminists
invented to blame all theirshortcomings on what? And that,
in a sense, that is a meta rightanswer to that question, what is

(21:57):
patriarchy? This is patriarchy.That patriarchy is a system of
oppression that historically hasowned everything. Has owned
information. We could talk abouthow you know it's being infused
in AI, etc, etc, has ownedmorality, what's right and

(22:23):
wrong,

go into that. Go into everything,

not my field directly, but one, one of our
brilliant clients, actuallybrought our attention to it,
because she's been one of theleaders in it, in information
technology, for years, and shesaw that coming years ago, that
patriarchy and racism are beingliterally coded into AI and,

(22:57):
yeah, what does that mean? Imean, we're just in the very
beginning stages of finding outwhat that might mean. But I
don't want to spell out doom andgloom, because I I am
optimistic. I do feel that themore we are aware and the more
we even communicate with AI, andthe more we put out our thoughts

(23:20):
out there. We can tip thatscale. We can tip that balance.
I am optimistic. It's justpredicated on us using our
voices, right? And that thatcomes down to doing our own work
internally and finding thatvoice. So, yeah, patriarchy is a
system, is a system ofoppression, where, historically,

(23:40):
all the power, the powerfinancial power, political
power, religious power, thepower of information, legal, all
kinds of power has been in thehands of men, with The exclusion
of other groups

and the exclusion of caretakers, that's women.

And I also want to put a sidebar, an
important sidebar there is thatI'm not seeing women as I Oh,
it's a tricky one, because Iknow women have resistance.

(24:27):
Also, oftentimes I get thisquestion, or I get this
pushback, like women don't wantto see themselves as victims.
And on the one hand, I fullyagree with that. We're not like
I don't, you know, I I'm not infavor of any victim mentality
and blaming all. Let's sitaround and blame men. This is
not about blaming men at all, orblaming other women who support

(24:55):
this patriarchal establishment,unconsciously or consciously by
you. We can talk about why womendo that, again, comes down to
survival, but there are so manyexpressions that we consciously
or unconsciously participate in,or we are pained by when we see
that in other women, this is notabout blame. This is about

(25:15):
clarity of recognizing thehistorical impact and trauma
created and perpetrated acrossthe board, across the gender
spectrum, men have been harmedby patriarchy as well, in
different ways. Patriarchy hasput men in boxes where the only

(25:36):
emotions allowed for men areanger, competitiveness, if
that's an emotion. Soessentially, all the qualities
that patriarchy consistsconsiders to be more feminine,
qualities like nurturing,compassion, connected community,
right? More softer values. Theyhave been pretty much eradicated

(26:04):
from what a good, goodparticipant of club patriarch, a
male participant of clubpatriarch is allowed to express
and that severely harms men thatlimits their wholeness as beings
as it limits our wholeness asbeings, as women and everyone

(26:27):
across the gender spectrum. Itreally. It doesn't really, I
want to say it doesn't reallymatter. It's a paradox. Yes, it
matters where you fall on thegender spectrum in terms of
privilege, because you have beentraumatized differently. And
that's why it doesn't matter,because we all have trauma from

(26:47):
it, even people who are reallyprivileged through patriarchy.
And we could, can include racismand white white supremacy in
that as well, because it's asimilar effect, even those who
benefit from it are stilltraumatized by it, although
these people have moreprivilege, so it's complicated.

(27:11):
What we can agree on is,perhaps, or this is my thesis,
anyway, that as human beings,the systems of oppression have
traumatized us all, even thoughsome people have more privilege
under them, right, and thatprivilege is also harmful. Yes,

(27:32):
yes. Differently. It harmspeople differently. Harms people
with more privilege differently,with than people with less
privilege, no doubt about that.So I don't want to, like, dilute
it, yeah, pretend like we'reall, like, equal etc, etc. But
there is the common humanitythat is harmed, and it's harmed

(27:52):
differently for people acrossthe spectrum of

I'm seeing like I'm really feeling it, just the
imbalance, like, you know thatall everything being masculine,
without the feminine and withoutwomen, that hurts men too,
because they need the feminine,and we need the feminine and and
just thinking about how I mean,it's all it, and we often look
at it through the US againstyou, men, against women,

(28:16):
division, which the fear basedsystems keep us divided, Keep us
fighting against each other. Butactually, when we look at the
animal kingdom, like speaking,we were talking about Africa
before, the animals are sointerconnected. All the the
masculine, the feminine, the theand the women are the ones who
are the most powerful, like thefemale lions are the ones out

(28:37):
hunting and killing like they'rethat they're actually and that's
true, it's all backwards innature to how we've learned from
patriarchy, but theinterconnectedness is, is
everything to the harmony oflife. So you see how, like, I'm
just getting this for the firsttime, just hearing you talk,
it's like I'm seeing that thedestruction of the world happens

(28:59):
because of the the loss of thefeminine, yeah, the repression
of the feminine, yeah.

I'm going to blow some minds right now,
because my mind was blown. MaybeI am a, you know, slow learner,
which I tend to be, but here itis anyway. So as this download,
this awareness came to me aboutpatriarchy, stress disorder,

(29:25):
this intergenerational trauma, Istarted working with that my
husband and I both working withthat we're working with our
clients. And then little bylittle, I started getting into
working with animals and workingwith plants and working with
nature in these deep healingways, and this awareness

(29:47):
deepened for me that perhaps thefundamental split began in terms
of systems of oppression beganwith species. Ism, when humans
decided that humans are not anequal and interconnected part of

(30:08):
everything in nature, butsomehow we are superior. We are
the quote, unquote, top of thefood chain. And that was the
fundamental split. And ifsomebody you know has a
different take on it, I wouldlove to hear that. Maybe I'm not
looking far enough. But to me,this is, this is where my

(30:30):
awareness is at right now,speciesism, positioning
ourselves as humans in thecenter of the universe or above
everything else, or separatefrom everything else, is
extremely harmful, and all othersystems of oppression became
possible because of thatmentality. Well, if I as a human

(30:54):
being somehow have the right toabuse or exploit animals, right
for for gain, for profit, for myconvenience, and plants and the
earth, then I can decide, andthat's, that's how racism came
about, as white people decidedto dehumanize people with darker

(31:20):
skin color and say, well,they're they're like animals.
They literally had to dehumanizehumans to because there was a
precedent with animals, becausewe are abusing animals so we can
abuse other humans. And that'swhat Hitler then did. Also like
further dividing, like the Aryanrace versus all other races, the

(31:41):
Aryan race, being pure, allothers not being good enough,
dehumanizing them, right, sothat those atrocities and abuses
became palatable and possible.So it sounds kind of crazy, but
if we look at that right, thatthat healing that divide needs

(32:04):
to start or go to like healingour separation from everything
that is and restoring our placein the family of things as an
interconnected being. And I willgo further and suggest that even
our epidemic of not belonging,loneliness, that that is so

(32:28):
present right now, and perhapscovid really highlighted that,
and and now The advances intechnology right have been,
unfortunately driving, drivingthat as well, or supporting that
as well, I feel that can also behealed by healing that original

(32:53):
divide and separation andremembering who we truly,
authentically are Beyond allconditioning again, even if we
don't believe it, like you and Imay not believe that we are
somehow top of the food chain,and we can, you know, we're
separate from everything else,but that conditioning is so old

(33:14):
and it lives there, and we needto uncover it with compassion
and create opportunities tohealing like for me. You know
animals like I work with horsesin equine facilitated therapy,
in equine facilitated learningformats. I learned so much about
myself from horses because theyhold such a clear mirror. I was

(33:38):
able to go deep into my humanityand then with plants also. So
anyway, healing opportunitiesare many. Healing opportunities
are many. And what youreferenced before is that right
now, patriarchy is likepatriarchy and racism and the

(33:58):
abuses of the earth that is allescalating. I can say it's worse
than it's ever been. We stillhave made progress, but I can
pretty confidently say it'sworse than it was when you and I
had our previous interview. Thependulum went all the way to the

(34:22):
other side in terms of women'srights, the rights of people
with darker skin color. What'sgoing on right now in the US is
just beyond, fill in the wordbeyond, whatever so many words

(34:43):
cross my mind, and certainlybeyond what I thought, and many
people thought would be possiblein this day and age, and yet
here, here we are, right interms of our collective
consciousness, that is what ishappening. So he. Healing is
parabound right now, and forthose, I also understand

(35:05):
privilege in a way that if wehave the privilege of access to
this information, if we have theprivilege of time and resource
to participate in this healingin whatever way we can right? It
is, you know, I feel it's likewalking if we only give to

(35:30):
others. When we're walking withone leg forward, right, we'll be
walking around in circles. If weonly give to ourselves, we'll be
walking around in circles. Wehave to pour into ourselves, we
have to then spread it aroundand share with us. We can only
share as as much as we'veexperienced ourselves. We can't

(35:52):
leapfrog that. So I'm a fan ofwalking in a balanced way so we
can actually move forward in ourown life experience and in our
cultural consciousness.

Yes, so, so in terms of women over 40 and
patriarchy, what do you see? Howdo you see it impacting women
over 40 and this big transitionyou're talking about that you've
been going through, and howlike, where we can focus on
taking our power back orshifting?

Yeah, okay. I'm so glad we're talking about
this. This is a very powerfultime. I almost said exciting
time, but I want to be sensitiveto all the challenges that come
up for us in our 40s, and it'sthe time most of us, if not all
of us, are in perimenopause,which happens for years before

(36:55):
we even start seeing changes toour monthly menstrual period, it
can still be regular. We may noteven be tuned into from that
perspective to anythingchanging. So it may sound
strange, but experts now saythat if you're over 35 and some
experts say even over 30, thosehormonal changes have already

(37:18):
begun, right? But we we're verybusy in our 30s. We're very
active. We're building ourlives, building our careers. So
maybe we're not as focused onother aspects, some women maybe,
and some women were just so outthere in the world, serving,

(37:41):
giving, creating. And then therecomes a time when our biology
itself begins to pull us back,sometimes gently and sometimes
not so gently, when thesechanges begin to show up in our
thyroid function. For somewomen, they show up as
autoimmunity, chronic fatigue,some physical expressions come

(38:06):
up that may really pull the rugfrom under us, or personal
losses. For me, it was the lossof my mother in that, yeah,
occurred when I was 43 and that,that was the big domino that
sent, sent me on this journey.What is this journey? And yeah,

(38:33):
I just wanted to name a fewother circumstances that can
happen. Can be a career change.You may feel stuck in your
career, and it's time for achange, and maybe your kids are
at the age when they don't needyou as much anymore. So your
role is changing as a parent.Maybe your marriage feels stuck,

(38:56):
um, or maybe you've gone througha divorce, or maybe you just
feel lonely in your partnership,and feels like you know, is that
all there is right? Or is therea possibility for a great
unfolding? Or maybe you justhave feel like everything is
good in your life, but you feelthere could be more. There could

(39:19):
be more, and you feel guilty orungrateful because, well, look
at you, you have everythinganyone would want to trade their
lives with you, but you're stillkind of restless. And I feel
these are the gifts of 40s,because life delivers that call
to adventure in different ways.It can be in a way, of this
longing, right excitement for anew adventure. It can be in the

(39:43):
way of feeling dull and andbored, frankly, with some
things, or in a crisis, healthcrisis, or a loss of a loved
one, or a relationship, or acareer changes, integration, so
so many. Things can call us onthis adventure. And what is this
adventure really about? I feel40s is this magical portal. When

(40:09):
we are full grown adults, we'vedone things in life, we've tried
things in life. We've gone downthese shiny paths and learned
what we learned, and maybe,frankly, we're a little bit
disillusioned, like I thought,like making more money will make

(40:31):
me happy. We've followed thatpath and we learned what we
learned. I thought, you know,being in the relationship will
make me happy. Well, I followedthat path. I learned what I
learned. I thought being aparent or not being a parent
will be that part of my identitythat will make me feel authentic

(40:52):
and make me happy. We learnedwhat we learned, right? Etc,
etc. We learned a lot of thingsby the time when you know

happily ever after line, it's like, as if happy is
some destination.

So we kind of, we know, we know a lot, and
that's great. And we'll alsohave because of also these
biological changes, they'remagical. And I don't want women
to be mad at me. It's okay ifyou do get mad at me. I do say
it with compassion. I've gonethrough these experiences

(41:25):
myself, because the biology cancan get really become a rough
ride, a rough ride. And I've haddays and weeks when I couldn't
get out of bed, you know, onthis ride, felt very desperate
physically, like my body feelingunrecognizable to me in terms of

(41:48):
everything, the looks and thefunction and the energy and the
motivation, like everything waschanging. And so with all this
compassion, I say our biology isalso supporting this journey of
transformation in this wonderfulway, because it pulls the rug
from under us, and it makes itso what we used to tolerate

(42:15):
becomes intolerable. What weused to tolerate and tell
ourselves, my life is goodenough. This is normal. Nobody
has a perfect marriage, nobodyhas a perfect career. Most
people don't have it even likeas good as I do. It's normal,
and that that kind of has beencausing us to settle, to quiet

(42:39):
down, to not make waves, andthen life pulls the rug from
under us, and our whole biologygoes, No, I can't fucking
tolerate that shit anymore,whatever that is, whatever that
is. And that is a call toadventure. Yes, it needs this
adventure needs to be navigatedwith a lot, I feel a lot of

(43:02):
support, yes, having theseenlightening conversations, as I
hope this one is, in some waysenlightening for some listeners,
and also having tangiblesupport, reaching out for that
support. You know, having yoursupport on the medical and

(43:23):
wellness side, and also havingyour support through this
journey of transformation. Ifeel that this is something that
is overlooked in thisconversation about midlife right
now. They're not as many voices,or not as many voices elevated

(43:43):
to, like, really high platformswith a lot of reach. I hope it
will be changing. It is changingnow that talk about the inner
journey, the inner journey oftransformation that our physical
health symptoms, mental healthsymptoms, relational symptoms,
etc, may be pointing at there isan increase in conversation

(44:05):
about our hormones and what weneed to pay attention to, in
terms of our diet changes,physical activity changes, etc.
It is all very important becausethere was no conversation about
it before. And it's not thewhole picture. It's an important
part of it, but it's not thewhole picture. And for me and

(44:31):
for so many of our clients whocame to us during this period of
time, their symptoms began toshift when we they really
started listening to thosesymptoms and following them as

(44:51):
guides, not as nuisance to begot rid of not not kill. The
messengers? Yeah, we're not hereto kill the messengers. Symptoms
are messengers, yes, sometimesthey're wrecking havoc. I'm not
saying just sit here and listenand do nothing, right, but

(45:13):
approach them holistically withall due support and respect, but
not only medically. Okay,because there is a lot more, and
I feel we owe it to ourselves,because I feel our entire
biology is set up sobeautifully, our
transformational journey isencoded in our biology from

(45:37):
prepubescent then going into ourpuberty and development when we
get our period, and then as wego through different stages of
our life, our cyclical naturehas so much wisdom. And when

(45:58):
that begins to change in our 30sand our 40s, that has profound
wisdom as well. This is not justto be silenced. This is not just
let's get rid of those symptomsand then go on as if we were
still in our 20s. That's not thegoal. Well, at least that's not

(46:20):
the goal for me, it's maybe thegoal for somebody. But this is
also the danger of this fork inthe road. If we are not aware of
how the psych, the patriarchalprogramming, is affecting us, in
our subconscious, the fork inthe road is okay, take the red
pill, whatever color it actuallyis, but take the red pill. Just

(46:44):
focus on anti aging,

or not aging,

not aging and and just die trying, essentially
right fight tooth and nail tolook younger and everything, and
that's that's the red pill, andpatriarchy wants us to be lost

(47:14):
in this land of distraction. Andit's a multi, multi, multi,
multi, multi, multi billiondollar industry, all anti aging
crap, and the philosophy thatguides it is playing right into
the hands of patriarchal powerstructure or The blue pill,

(47:38):
which is okay, let's lookthrough this. And actually, this
is the greatest opportunitywe've ever had to begin this
journey or continue thisjourney, take it to the next
level, the journey toward ourauthentic selves, to find our
truth, that new truth, right ofwho we actually truly are, and

(48:01):
that's a journey that doesn'ttake, that doesn't, you know,
it's not an instant hack. It'snot just like you listen to this
podcast or read a book andsomething shifted for you, yes,
a little bit, maybe, hopefullyshifted, but you're not going to
be there for me. It continuesevery day. I discover more
hidden programming. And I go,Oh, my God, I'm the mother of

(48:25):
PSD, patriarchy, stressdisorder. I had no idea I had
this. I had no idea it wasaffecting my thoughts, emotions
and behaviors. And it's alwayshumbling to discover another one
of those. My husband and I willwork together. He discovers the
shit within himself too, and wego, oh my god, humbling and

(48:45):
liberating. So that's, that'sthe blue pill journey. And, you
know, don't, don't get me wrong.I'm not saying just like, oh
yeah. Don't be concerned at allwith like, how you look, how you
feel physically, not at all, butdo it

from love. Do it for love. From love. I'm
talking, I'm imagining, like,what's gonna I just imagining
all these little girls who are,like, talking to these grandmas
that look like they're 25 butthey're like, 75 like, what are
we doing here? What are wedoing? Like, we need elders. We

(49:23):
like the just and I think that,I mean this whole conversation,
this is so powerful. I'm sohappy that we're doing this. I'm
just like, so so much ishappening over here. I'm just
sitting back, like, taking thisall in. I think this is why I'm
so called to Africa. Because inAfrica, I don't even look in the
mirror. I don't even like there.I didn't have a mirror in my

(49:47):
tent, and I spend all my time innature, and I feel more the
reality is I feel more peopleare like, Whoa. You're the most
beautiful you've ever been whenyou're in Africa. Because I'm in
alignment, because I'm in syncwith nature, because. I'm eating
from the land it it. So it'slike, that's what we actually
need, and that's where all thelessons are in the medicine, as

(50:07):
I loved when you shared thatpart about your journeys and and
Peru and your travels and yourlike, the medicine is in the
interconnectedness that we arenot separate from nature. I've
had that thought so many timesthe last couple of years, just
before consuming Zach Bushvideos and like, I just was
like, Wait a second, why do wethink we're separate from

(50:30):
nature? We're the same. We havethe same the birds flying to be
and their sea is affected by themoon. Like we're so
interconnected, but people areso far away from themselves and
their bodies and ourinterconnectedness with nature.
So oh my gosh, this is amazing.And I think when you say

(50:50):
reconnecting with into alwaysrediscovering our authentic
selves, your authentic self islike who you are today and and
may you be vibrant and alive andand radiant, because you're
you're loving yourself, andyou're caring for yourself, and
you're learning about yourselfyou care. Like, even just
hearing you about this phase islike, I loved when you kept

(51:12):
calling it. I kept gettinggoosebumps, a call to adventure.
Like, what a reframe, ratherthan all the women that are
like, Oh, I'm in perimenopausenow, and like, Oh yeah, I'm a
victim of all these things, andI'm just gonna go to the doctor
and take all these pills andI'm, you know, just going
through this phase and life justsucks, versus like, or you could
do the death and rebirth thing,and like, actually go through

(51:33):
the portal and awaken to thenext level of your wisdom and
Your power and your sexuality,and her sensuality, and all the
things that come with going intothe darkness, which I think so
many people fear. So can youspeak on that? How do we do it?
How do we do it?

My gosh, oh my gosh. How to make the descent? I
don't know. I don't know. I feelthat like you know when you're
cold, and I can just say it, Ifeel this journey is not for

(52:16):
everyone. Not everyone is goingto take this journey. Not
everyone is going to say yes tothe call to adventure, not in
this lifetime. And that's okay.That's just how it is. And I
feel also when you hear the callto adventure, that's privilege

(52:37):
right there. And I'm not sayingprivilege in a negative sense,
because it has gotten thatconnotation, right? White
privilege, etc, like we'resomehow ashamed of our
privilege. No, it is privilege.Acknowledge it and leverage it
in a way that is beneficial foreveryone, for you, for everyone,

(53:02):
right again, we go to that nonseparateness. If you're only
using privilege to benefit youas a separate being, whatever
that is, nobody is a separatebeing. But if you're functioning
in that, in that way, then it isincorrect, and there's going to
be undesirable, uh,consequences, right? But use

(53:29):
that privilege with theawareness that you're
interconnected with everyone,and your healing is also there
to heal, to promote the healingof our cultural consciousness,
our interconnectedness, ourrelationship with nature, with
animals, with plants, with eachother, with the soil, every

(53:49):
right. So it's not for everyone.And when you get that call to
adventure, it is privilege.Recognize it, and if you have
capacity to answer yes, oh mygod. Oh my God. Now we're
talking that also is privilege,because you have that capacity.
You have the capacity ofcourage, you have the capacity

(54:12):
of that desire for thatadventure. Well, even if you
feel you're being dragged onthat adventure, you you don't
want to go. You still, you know,you still have capacity to
participate in it. You havesources of support, or you have
capacity to reach out and buildyour support crew in that your

(54:37):
fellow journeys. And we do ourbest to do that because it's not
a journey to undertake on yourown. Again, back to that
delusion of a lone wolf or likea lone cowboy, whatever a self
made person perpetrated in thisculture. It is such a delusion.

It's actually for women. We need other women. We
need community.

We need community. And I like to say
that collective trauma requirescollective healing, and I
recognize that so many of ourwounds originated in the
collective because it has beenso infected by all all the
poisons in our society, right,all the traumas and some women

(55:30):
are very hesitant to evenapproach a community of women.
So we've been very deliberateabout cultivating a community of
women who are all on thisjourney together, who are all
working on that, healing forthemselves, for others, and that
is a very different experience,that's different from an

(55:50):
experience I've ever had in mylife, and and it means it's
possible. So I'm just putting itout there. It is possible. And
if you do go on this journey,yeah, it's not going to be all
rainbows and sunshine. And Ithink you already know that,
because you're listening tothis, you probably have a sense

(56:13):
that there's going to bechallenges, there's going to be
meeting wounding, wounded parts.There's going to be going into
dark places and with support,with love, with compassion, with
the tools that go beyond justhow we think about things, but
they actually help rewire ournervous system, reprogram our

(56:37):
subconscious, so that we canmove that intergenerational
collective trauma out of oursystems for good and create that
shift in our collectiveexperience. You can do that.

So tell us about your community, so you and
Jeffrey have a community and howso if I was a woman who's ready
to burn the patriarchy and healthese old traumas and and start
to live my life and actuallylisten to that call to adventure
and heal through this timeinstead of stay stuck. What?

(57:11):
What would, what would workingwith you both look like?

Thank you for asking and sharing that vision.
A good place to start is withchecking out my book, because
there, there's so much therethat can actually show you, also
with stories and experiencespractices that are there in the

(57:37):
book and also on my website thatyou can download and follow,
that can show you what it mightfeel like, that, what it might
look like and Dr valerie.com,that's D, R, V, A, L, E, R, I,
a.com, forward slash book.That's where you can find the
book. You can download the firstchapter, free to just check it

(58:01):
out, kind of dip your toes in,see if that resonates with you.
I also have it on audio, andyou'll get both PDF and audio
versions there. It's also onAmazon as hard copy, if you
prefer that. And on the website,you can download the practices
that are there in the book, andthis way you're kind of in our

(58:23):
ecosystem. You can also read ournewsletter, see what we have
going on, what community eventswe have coming up, and
opportunities to work togetherthat start with easy entry level
journeys that you can go on forjust a few weeks and see if it's

(58:43):
for you, and then we have morein depth immersion programs for
a few months a year. Someclients have been with us for
multiple years. Kind of evolvingright, evolving together. And
this is what motivates me, very,very deeply. It's not only their
spectacular transformations, butit's that they have found their

(59:12):
best friends for life in thiscommunity. To me, this is
everything, because also femalefriendships have been so just
torn apart from us by patriarchybecause it has instilled all
this kind of self hate that wecarry in our subconscious

(59:32):
comparison, like feeling like wedon't belong, or
competitiveness, or whatever itis, even if we don't believe any
of that crap, we may share thisexperience of not always feeling
at ease in groups of women,because that is just so tends to
be so present outside, evenoutside of what we believe in.

(59:57):
And so it's nobody's fault you.There is this real opportunity
to uncover what's in oursubconscious and heal it so we
can have a community and doesn'thave to be an exclusively
feminine community, it can be aninclusive community. As we bring

(01:00:18):
those values out into the world,we've seen massive changes in
women's relationships with theirmale partners and female
partners and gender fluidpartners, and in their
relationships with their kidsand co workers and their
business is going to the nextlevel, even though that was not

(01:00:38):
even the goal, right? The goalwas feeling there was something
more for her, in herauthenticity, in her expression.
And it's just once we tap intothat things just organically
blossom. It's like plants thatare allowed to be in fertile
soil with the amount of sun andwater and air that they need to

(01:01:02):
thrive and the space, all of asudden, they kind of surprise us
with, yeah, I've seen the sameplants that we may have here,
like Jasmine arrived littleflowers, and I would Go to the
jungle, and I saw jasmine inthat in that area where, like in

(01:01:24):
the womb of the mother, hugeflowers with massive flavor. And
I was like, What is this plant?It smells so familiar. It's
Jasmine. I would have neverrecognized it like flowers like
like this. And so we cansurprise ourselves what's with
what's possible with the rightconditions, the right support,

(01:01:47):
the right nurturing and removingthose blockages to our growth
that a lot of that comes fromthat intergenerational
collective trauma that I've cometo call patriarchy, stress
disorder. We can call itwhatever we want, but that
invisible, little something orbig something, right that maybe

(01:02:09):
has not shifted through all yourvaliant work on your patterns,
which I'm sure all yourlisteners have been engaged in,
as have I for a long time,

Kate Harlow (01:02:23):
yes, yeah. And it's just another layer. And I feel
like when a woman is has enteredher 40s and beyond, it's like
we're actually ready to face it.Because you're such a byproduct
of it still when you're in yourmaiden years, that it's like,
kind of, you know, it's, it'smore challenging to face it, but
once you get to the it's sofascinating how that happens
after 40 where it's like, nolonger give a fuck, or even if

(01:02:46):
you still are giving a fuck,there's like, this voice inside
the screaming, like, I don'twant to give a fuck, like rebel
comes out and we're ready toburn it all to the ground and
and, you Know, be the phoenixrising.

Dr. Valerie Rein (01:03:01):
So it's a gift, it's an opportunity. And
again, I say it with compassion,because I know there are also a
host of challenges, but perhaps,if it resonates like, give this
framework, give this just like1% of a chance that this may be
true, right? Just open that doorjust a little bit, that it's not

(01:03:24):
all doom and gloom and it's justsomething that perimenopause
until we go through menopause,and we're postmenopausal, we
just need to hold our breath fora decade or 15 years or 20
years, however long it takes,and then it will

get better. And then you die because you hold
your

breath Exactly.

That's the irony. Yeah, it like he'd heed the call
and, and, yeah, oh my gosh.It's, I just think, like coming
back to nature, just, naturejust is in its cycles. It's
never, it's never denying thenatural cycles and rhythms and
seasons and how we constantlyare in at odds with and fighting

(01:04:11):
and denying these naturaltransitions and seasons and
changes. But when you actuallyembrace them, it makes me think
of the quote, a miracle is ashift in perception, like when
you when you actually just arewilling to look through a
different lens. And you know, onthe this, this self love healing
journey, you have to learn toembrace pain, you know, and to

(01:04:34):
be willing to feel and welcomeall of it, because you can't
grow without it. And you know.And then when you embrace the
pain and the feelings around itand you you just embrace going
through the rebirth cycle likeactually birthing all the way,
what's on the other side ismagic. And then you're connected

(01:04:56):
to your own magic, and the nextversion of you, the. Newest
version of you, because we'realways becoming new and new and
new and new. There's so manyversions of ourselves we get to
be. Isn't that the beauty oflife and patriarchy wants us to
just be one dimensional, carbyversion that doesn't ever
change.

It is the beauty. It is the beauty and
and, you know, after a certainage, whatever the age, you know,
a Saturday Night Live. I thinkit was in the SNL context, or
maybe outside of that context.But like Tina Fey and the bunch
of them, right, had had this kidcalled the last fuckable day

(01:05:38):
where they were, like,celebrating the last or
grieving, or whatever, the lastday, like of whatever age,
right? The patriarchy puts itsstamp on again, this is it, and
after that, you're no longer ofinterest to us, because you're
not producing babies and you'renot producing without
questioning, like whateverwidgets, right? We want you to

(01:06:02):
produce it, whatever volume wewant you to produce, etc, etc,
etc. So, yeah, I mean, that isit. That is a journey. Do you
call that a Phoenix, right? APhoenix time. And it is, in a
sense, like allowing those oldidentities, working with these
old identities to disintegrate,to essentially be burned down to

(01:06:26):
the ground. It doesn't have tobe a violent process. It can be
a supported, conscious process.And I feel the more willing we
are, perhaps, you know, the moreproductive and hopefully fun it
can be especially with supportin a community, when human women

(01:06:50):
are one of the very few specieswho stop their reproductive
ability before the end of theirlives, only like a couple of
other species in in the entirenatural world. Wow, that have
that. So that points atsomething really important, like

(01:07:12):
we essentially die. Like thatversion of us dies, in a way,
and is reborn into anothercreature. I had, another being
with gifts and magic andcapacities and wisdom and fun

(01:07:32):
and love and yes, sexuality andadventure,

the call to adventure and the I just think,
like, this is what's going toheal the world. This is what
patriarchy needs, like Matri,matriarchy is not women running
the world. It is everyonetogether, collaboration. We are
all there is no hierarchicalsystems. We are all in
collaboration, in harmony, likenature interconnected. That's

(01:08:04):
matriarchy. So women being intheir power, like women actually
coming home to our gifts andowning who the fuck we are,
instead of pretending to besomething else, is what will
heal the world, and that's whatthe world needs mount now more
than ever, more than love, sweetlove.

Thank you for speaking to that. That's also
like sometimes I hear this kindof objection to the
conversation. Well, do we wantto just replace patriarchy with
matriarchy, where women areoppressing men? No, no, and you
spoke to it so well. It is aboutrestoring the natural harmony.
It's not about replacing onesystem of oppression with
another system of oppression.No, this is not a coup, okay,

(01:08:50):
yeah, overthrowing one dictatorand replacing it with another.

Because women don't oppress. We're the hearts. The
feminine is the heart, like wedon't, we wouldn't oppress.
That's not like that's that'sthe thing. We've been oppressed,
but it would be a very differentworld if more women were
influential in bigger

ways. I just want to put a caveat on that,
because I can also feel that,you know, we've all had
experiences of being oppressedand abused by women as well,
yes, yes. So I just want to puta caveat on that right that
patriarchy has also been verypowerfully upheld and

(01:09:34):
perpetrated by women,consciously or unconsciously by
living out that programming, notquestioning that programming,
just playing the game we werehanded. This is how you succeed.
These are the rules, theoppression, the domination, etc,
etc. Again, nobody's fault, butI do believe it is our.

(01:10:00):
Responsibility, yes, that yeah,and make a dent in that. So yes,
I agree with you that it's core,neither pure masculine nor pure
feminine, like as pure energies,right?

Yeah, they from the heart. Well, it's the feminine
like Living from the heart. AndI mean women leading who are in
their hearts, not women leadingwho are in Man suits, in the in
the patterns and the theprotection, but, but it's the
same with men, too. Men beingmore connected to their
feminine, like the it's theinterconnectedness that will
heal the planet.

Yeah, I fully agree with you. When we're
outside of these patterns, whenwe dismantle these patterns,
neither the feminine nor themasculine is actually interested
in oppressing, dominating, youknow, screwing anyone over, but
everybody is interested in thisecstatic union, right? Ecstatic

(01:10:56):
union, whatever that looks like,right, just living our lives in
full expression, yeah, likenature does when left to its own
devices.

Yes, oh my gosh. That's so beautiful. Living our
lives in our fullest expressionlike nature does. I love that
this has been so beautiful we, Imean, we could just keep going
and going going, but I'm I justwant to say thank you so much.
I'm so happy that I got thespark and the hit to reach out,
and I just feel so happy toreconnect with you. I love you

(01:11:29):
so much. Oh my gosh. I treasureour time together back in the
day, and have just been sohonored to witness your journey
of transformation, of you,claiming like, remembering you
because you were a therapist for20 years and then, and then
discovered or patriarchy stressdisorder came through. It's just
like, wait a second, a Pat, thispattern I'm seeing over and over

(01:11:50):
again, and you coined your own Imean, that's so powerful. The
book title is your own term,your own psychological term. I
just, I think it's incredible,and you're brilliant, and I I
love also seeing the next levelof your journey and where you
are now to where you were when Ihad you, when we had you on the
podcast a few years back. So Ilove you, and I'm so grateful

(01:12:12):
for this conversation.

I love you too, Kate, what a what a joy.
And our connection has beenhugely catalytic from the start,
hugely catalytic and lifechanging for me. So I honor your
magic, your power, your visionand the courage with which

(01:12:34):
you've been walking the path ofyour truth and helping others
connect with their truth andlive this glorious life of
adventure. So very grateful forthis connection, this
conversation and all all thosein the community tuning in right
now and allowing themselves tofeel a different sense of what's

(01:12:58):
possible.

Perhaps, yes, I love that. Thank you so much.
Love. And definitely, we'll linkeverything below. So there's
those free meditations that yousaid, meditations, right? Yep,
we have meditations available onyour on your website, so we'll
link all that below, and in thebook, there's exercises. So
obviously, this is a bigconversation, a heavy
conversation, so it's it can beconfronting to talk about. So

(01:13:22):
yeah, just lean on all theresources. And you've held a lot
of women and men through this,through this work and and you'll
be an amazing hands. So we'llconnect everything below any
final words,

just breathing as those structures imprinted in
us, somewhere in oursubconscious become more
transparent, more hologram likeas we shine the light of
awareness on them and settingthat intention that all benefit.

(01:14:03):
All beings benefit from thisawareness, from this work, from
this healing and yeah, morecourage and love and support to
everyone on this journey.

Love it. Love your heart. So beautiful. So as
always, spread this message.Share this podcast episode with
every woman you know who couldreally benefit from this message
today, and and Dr Valerie'sincredibly generous, beautiful
heart and message. And thank youso much, and we'll see you next
week. Thank you.

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