August 3, 2025 • 32 mins
This episode is about a pedophile grooming a woman's daughter. If you're a parent who listens with their child(ren), I wanted you to be aware of this before you played the show. There are no graphic details, but be aware that your children may ask questions if they listen with you.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Today's episode is about a subject matter that your children, if you have children, may ask you questions about.
(00:05):
So if you're prepared to answer questions like that, perhaps listening together will be helpful.
But if you'd rather bring up this topic another time in another way, you may want to listen without them.
This episode is clean as always, but I thought I'd mention that just in case.
Check out the episode description for details. These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
(00:33):
I've talked about sexual abuse and childhood sexual abuse, especially with my wife, Asha, who experienced it as a child. So she has dealt with it.
She has healed from it and moved on and helps others with it.
But there are times I'll get a message that either I'll address or not, or I'll send people to her.
(00:56):
Every now and then I'll go through my emails and find something I haven't talked about yet specifically.
And in this case, this woman wrote to me and she said that she had a friendship with a guy who they were best friends.
He would come over and sleep on the couch and everything.
But when her daughter turned 18, she moved out and did her own thing.
(01:19):
But the friendship with this guy, the person who wrote to me, her friendship with this guy started to look different, started to feel different.
And so she asked him, what's going on?
And she also suspected that maybe something might be happening with her daughter.
And I don't know if that was during the time he was there or maybe because her daughter is now gone that the friendship changed.
(01:45):
So that really brought up some thoughts about that for her.
And the guy said, nothing's going on with your daughter.
I didn't do anything or whatever he said.
Come to find out her daughter ended up marrying this guy.
And so at the time this guy was coming over, the daughter was around 15 or 16.
(02:09):
And so this adult male was coming over and the woman who wrote to me, she didn't know anything was going on or if anything
was going on, but she feels now that he has had been grooming her while they were together.
And that grooming eventually led to what appears to be statutory rape, maybe child sexual abuse, maybe both. I'm not sure.
(02:34):
And neither is the woman who wrote to me. She's not sure.
But she said that I know most of my feelings come from a tragic past and my own personal experience with pedophiles.
What I don't know is how to deal with the situation in order to strengthen my relationship with my daughter.
And I want to be there for her as much as possible. Your input is greatly appreciated.
(02:56):
She did say that her daughter is talking to her, but she's not sure how to react and treat this person that betrayed her trust and her friendship with this guy.
She said he never once came to me and talked to me about the situation and neither did my daughter.
This is extremely difficult because there was likely not only a crime, but a huge violation, not only in the betrayal of trust
(03:28):
between you and him, but also because of the grooming, because of the, uh, an adult male pursuing a child, which is a predatory
act and is illegal almost everywhere, I think.
And there's also, uh, the, the question of consent, the age of consent in many states in the U S or some states in the U S 16 is the age of consent.
(03:54):
As much as many of us may not like that, especially for an adult, somebody who might be in their twenties, thirties, forties
or older going after a 16 year old.
So there's, there's a lot wrapped up in this legally, emotionally, uh, morally and, uh, all kinds of things.
(04:15):
So this is one of the subject matters I don't touch on too much. I'm not the expert on that.
My wife is much better at doing that and dealing with that, but sometimes I'll get questions.
I just got a question yesterday on an article I wrote a long time ago called, uh, learning that your adult child suffered child sexual abuse.
(04:37):
That's over at the overwhelmed brain.com it was actually an article I wrote from the episode I did with Asha, my wife regarding that.
And it turned out to be one child sexually molesting another child.
So that was a slightly different story, but this whole area around, um, consensual versus non-consensual versus adult and
(05:01):
children and children and children, there's just so much to it and so much wrapped in it.
And everyone involved is in this weird position of talking about it and the victim of the abuse or the statutory rape or whatever
it is often feels alone and unsupported and, um, unbelieved.
(05:23):
A lot of people don't believe, especially when it's in family.
But, um, I don't want to make this entire episode about sexual abuse or child sexual abuse or rape or anything like that.
What I want to talk about is the person's question.
The person's question is, how do I talk to my daughter?
How do I deal with her new husband that was this guy who betrayed my trust and basically raped my daughter?
(05:50):
I mean, she didn't use those words, but this is what I'm getting.
She says that he was an adult going after my underage daughter before the age of consent, I'm assuming.
And even if it was right on the cusp, it's still a major issue in, uh, like I said, legally, morally and all these other issues. So what does she do?
(06:12):
She's got this guy who's now married to her daughter that he groomed and now they're in a relationship and maybe they'll have kids and now what?
I don't have a magic pill for this one. This one is a tough one.
If it were my daughter, I would be, I would be so angry.
(06:33):
I would, I don't know, there, there's just a lot of things going through my head right now.
I'm thinking, how dare he do that to my daughter?
I, I think the very first time I found out I would be so angry.
It might be hard to control, might be hard to control my anger, whatever that means.
I would have to be in that situation, but whatever that means.
(06:56):
But then to find out that my daughter actually wanted to, or was conditioned to groomed, to believe that it was the right thing to do to marry him.
So, oh, there's just so many emotions and it's very complex to find some sense of sanity in everything that has occurred and
(07:22):
all this finding out later instead of finding out in the moment where you can actually deal with it in the moment.
But then looking back and seeing all this stuff that has happened, how do you deal with it?
And again, I don't have the magic pill for this, but I do know, let me just tell you what I do know and how I would approach it.
One of the things I do know is that my daughter is the most important thing in the world. I'm speaking as this mom.
(07:49):
So if I were this mom, my daughter is the most important thing to me in this world or my children or whatever.
And my daughter is someone that I am going to continue loving and supporting no matter what decisions she makes.
So let's just say, here's where I'm going with this.
Let's just say that the daughter doesn't feel like she was coerced.
(08:12):
She doesn't feel like she was manipulated or being pursued by a predator.
She felt like the whole thing was just all good and falling for each other.
She felt like it was a real relationship.
Let's just say that's where she is.
Are you going to continue looking down on your daughter?
(08:34):
I'm not saying you are, but if somebody out there is having a tough time dealing with their child's choices or lack of choices
or having their choices ripped away from them, however you view this, I see it as having a choice ripped away.
Myself, that's how I see it, is that she was groomed, meaning she was brainwashed into believing that this was a good thing for the daughter to do.
(08:59):
The daughter was conditioned or groomed or brainwashed into believing that's the direction she should go with her life, her decisions.
And so who knows what happened, but it happened.
So now I have to trust that my daughter is going to be okay going forward with somebody who groomed her, a sexual predator,
(09:24):
and I have to accept that this is the decision that she made because she's now an adult.
That's the hard part, is that we see our children as our children.
But now she has reached the age of consent where she can make her own choices, even though she was brainwashed into those
(09:45):
choices, but what am I going to do?
Am I going to rip them apart?
Am I going to pursue this legally and rip my daughter's husband away from her because I am having a moral and legal and all kinds of issues with their relationship? Am I going to do that?
Because I know what's going to happen to my daughter if I do that.
(10:09):
I know that she may never talk to me again because maybe she really is in love as much as that disgusts me. Maybe she really is in love.
And if he's treating her okay and they're getting along and she's in love and they're in a whatever happy relationship, do
I want to take that away from her?
(10:32):
As much as I disagree with it, as illegal as it was and as immoral as it was and how disgusted I am, am I going to take that happiness away from her?
And I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't. I'm not giving that advice.
I'm just saying this is how I'd feel in that situation probably.
This is how I would respond and what I would do probably because you don't know what you might do until it happens.
(10:57):
I mean that's typically what happens is that until it happens to us, we don't really know.
But looking at this from the outside, looking in, I don't want the mom to ruin her relationship with her daughter. So there's that aspect of it.
I don't want the mom to make a mistake and have her daughter never talk to her again. There's that aspect.
(11:19):
Am I going to bring it up like, well, he groomed you and he made you think that this was right, but he's still manipulating you.
I mean, am I going to say that?
I will want to, but should I?
If I'm truly prioritizing my daughter's happiness, and I know it's tricky, I know there are people listening right now saying,
(11:43):
yeah, but she's only happy because she thinks she is. She's being convinced that she is. She's still being groomed. She's still being manipulated. I get it. And I'm with you. I'm with you.
At the same time, she's an adult and all I can do, what can I do as a parent?
All I can do is be there for her 100% so that when she figures out what I already believe is happening, continual manipulation,
(12:12):
continual grooming, when she figures that out, she'll have somebody to run to.
Not somebody who is disowning her or upset with her and the daughter's afraid to go to the parent or anything like that.
I don't want to create that tension.
I don't want to create that rift.
I want a solid bridge she can cross to me when she's ready.
(12:37):
It's tough to let her be that way, but this is the decision she is now continuing to make.
And what that also does, allowing her to continue making the decisions that I disagree with.
What I'm doing is accepting her, supporting her, letting her know that I'm there for her and that I love her no matter what.
(13:06):
And that if it makes her happy, as much as it makes me unhappy, if it makes her happy, not that I would tell her that I'm
unhappy, but I would tell her, if that's what makes you happy, then I support it.
I support your decision to continue going in this direction.
I support even your marriage with him.
And I have to hold back the anger. Why would I do that?
(13:30):
When it's not really what I think and not really what I feel, or I mean, I support her happiness, but I don't support that marriage. But why would I do that?
Because I want her to know that I am 100% safe to share anything with.
I want her to know that she can come to me with anything.
And then I'm not going to say, see, I told you so.
(13:51):
Why didn't you come to me sooner? Why did you continue doing this?
I told you he was no good.
Because she doesn't want to hear that.
She wants me to say, hey, what's troubling you? I love you. I want to help you.
And whatever you need from me, I'm here for you.
That's what I'm here for, for you.
So that if you're in trouble, if you have any thoughts, if you want to talk, let's talk.
(14:17):
I'm not going to give you any grief.
I'm not going to give you any resistance.
I'm not going to put it in your face. I'm here for you.
So if you tell me you were right and I should have listened to you, I'm not going to say, yeah, you should have.
I'm going to say, hey, you know, we all make mistakes. We all make mistakes.
Or I'm going to say, you know, it's really hard when you're a kid to make decisions that are going to affect the rest of your life.
(14:42):
And I know that you felt like you were making the right decision.
And I'm here to support you no matter what decision you want to make now.
So this is all I'm here for you to do.
I'm not, I don't want to tell you what to do.
I just want to help you through whatever you're going through.
That allows someone, especially a child, allows them to share with you and feel like they aren't being judged, aren't being
(15:05):
pushed, aren't smart enough to make decisions.
Because a lot of children, they, I mean, even though she's 18, she's an adult, she's still your child.
And a lot of child make decisions that they think are brilliant. And they're not always brilliant.
They're not always smart because they don't have enough life experience.
And this might be one of those things.
(15:27):
And that's also unfair because she was brainwashed. We know this.
She was brainwashed into thinking, oh, it's great to have a relationship with a much older man because older men that go after
13, 14, 15 year olds, they should be trusted.
And we know that's not the case because older men, adult men should know better. They should know better.
(15:54):
And when they don't, here's what happens. And much worse things happen too.
It's one small way to look at this.
Much worse things happen, but I'm not saying that you should do that.
I don't think I would because what happened happened and now I got to deal with it.
And so yes, be there for your daughter.
(16:14):
And I know the person who asked the question, the woman who wrote to me, isn't necessarily saying how do I get along with my daughter?
She's asking, now there's this guy in my daughter's life who used to be my best friend, who betrayed my trust, who groomed
my daughter, and then maybe even raped her, statutory rape, when they're underage, or child sexual abuse.
(16:41):
Whatever it is, according to the law, and of course all the thoughts and emotions regarding your daughter being groomed or
pursued by an adult predator, all of it just rolls around in your mind over and over and over again.
And you just don't know what to do with it, especially now that this person feels like a permanent fixture in your life. What do you do?
(17:06):
How do you deal with the guy now?
I can't give you advice here because I don't know if I could be friends, I don't know if I could be cordial, I don't know
if I would have nice manners around this guy, but I would be there 100% for my daughter.
So we're in a situation where I don't like my daughter's choice of partner, or I don't like my child's choice of partner.
(17:45):
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(18:51):
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(19:12):
So, if I don't like my child's choice of partner, should I continue to be angry at I might. Should I give him the finger?
Should I give him dirty looks every time I see him? Probably not.
Because what is he going to do?
He's going to tell my child that I am giving him the finger and giving him dirty looks and then my child's going to hate me
(19:34):
because I'm not supporting her husband or I'm not supporting her relationship. And it's clear.
So, I'm doing all these aggressive or passive aggressive things that my daughter catches wind of and that will definitely create a rift.
I'm assuming it will create a rift between my daughter and I.
And the other question is, does my daughter know why I'm upset about their marriage?
(19:56):
If my daughter didn't know why I was upset that she got married to this guy, then me coming out and saying, I hate your husband
or whatever is going to be even worse because there's no foundational conversation that we had.
I'm assuming there was a conversation between this woman and her daughter previous, but I can't imagine that went well because
(20:18):
if the daughter developed feelings, then children and teenagers that have feelings of falling in love typically believe that no one understands but them.
You know, no one understands that we have a great relationship and he really loves me.
And so they will close off from the world or ignore comments that aren't supportive.
(20:42):
So they will shut people out telling people, you don't understand.
He loves me and I believe him.
They're going to say things like that, which is why it's so important to support the child 100% so that they don't think that
you are going to just give them hell every time they bring up their relationship.
They need to know you're a safe person to talk to. Now back to this guy. What do you do? How do you treat him? What do you say? This is so hard.
(21:13):
How do you treat someone that you know or believe did something like this? What do you do? I don't know. I really don't know.
Because you want to support your daughter, you want to be there for your child, yet you have this man that could have done some horrible things.
I don't know if I have a good answer for this.
(21:35):
I know if it were me and my daughter were happy, I might take the man aside and say, Hey, look, I know what went down and I won't forgive you for that.
But if my daughter is happy with you and you are treating her right, then I support her and her decisions.
(21:56):
But I don't trust you and I may not ever trust you.
Maybe someday in the future this will change, but you know, we were friends and you hid things from me.
You started acting weird when she left and I know something went down.
But because I love my daughter, I want her to be happy.
And as long as you're making her happy, then I'm going to be okay with her decision. I may not like it.
(22:23):
I may not accept it, but I accept her.
I accept her making the decisions that are right for her, even though I think she's making a huge mistake, but I hope you
prove me wrong or she proves me wrong someday and maybe this will change.
But honestly, I don't think it can and I don't think it will, but I don't want to have any stress or strain in my daughter's life.
(22:49):
So I think we should just get along in a civil manner and we don't have to hang out. We don't have to talk.
And maybe someday you'll tell me the truth.
Maybe you will, I hope so, because if you're going to be my son-in-law, I want you to be transparent with me.
I want you to be honest with me.
(23:10):
That way we can put it on the table and just have it out there.
And I can't tell you that I'm going to get past it, but this is how I feel.
And I love my daughter and I always will.
So just make sure you don't screw it up.
Make sure you don't hurt her, because if you hurt her, I will hurt you.
(23:30):
I mean, I'm not telling you to do this.
I'm not telling anyone listening or the person who wrote to me to do this or say this.
I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes, which is incredibly difficult.
And I know people are listening right now saying, you shouldn't even say that, Paul. You shouldn't even go there.
You should just be unaccepting and you should break them up maybe.
(23:51):
Because it was all based on this sexual predator who got your daughter in his clutches and now look at it.
And it's just so hard because you don't want to be your child's enemy.
You want to be there for them.
And if they're making a choice to be with someone that maybe you hate and maybe you know was doing the wrong, immoral, illegal,
(24:17):
predatory thing, you still don't want to be your child's enemy. And that's how I see it. And that's where my focus goes.
And so no matter who my daughter, my child, whoever brings into their life, I have to choose to accept their decision unless something active is going on.
(24:39):
And I know what's the next step here.
The next step is maybe have children. And are those children in danger? Believe me, that comes up too. That's fresh in my mind.
I do not want that to happen.
I would worry about that as well.
And maybe somebody will say, your child was close to the age of consent.
It's not like they were a toddler. It doesn't matter. It's my child.
(25:03):
And my child was being pursued by a full grown male.
And that scares the hell out of me. Some problems can't be resolved.
They can only be dealt with in the best way going forward without ruining important relationships.
(25:24):
The relationship you have with your child you don't have with other people except maybe your other children, if you have children.
And if you have a child that you once got along with great and they've made a bad decision and brought in a bad person, you
want to make sure that you are their stable rock.
(25:44):
That they can come to when all things go bad.
When things go terrible in their life. When they're hurt.
When there is a breakup, you want her to come to you.
I'm talking to the person who wrote.
You want your daughter to come to you. So what do you do?
You try to keep things as civil as possible.
And again, I don't want to give you that advice because maybe you're so angry that you will hate that man.
(26:13):
And never be able to let it down and let it go.
And I totally understand that and I would never take that away from you if that's what you're feeling.
Just know that that will come across to your daughter as well.
And that's where we just have to be careful not to put a strain on that relationship.
Because your daughter, if this guy is what we think he is, your daughter is going to need you one day.
(26:39):
And if you keep good communication with your daughter and a good relationship with her, she will come to you.
And maybe this will sort itself out.
And I even hate to say that because you might want to get involved.
If they do have kids, you might want to get involved there and pick up the kids and take care of them.
There's so much to consider and I feel really bad that I can't give you a solution to this. Because maybe there's not a solution.
(27:08):
Maybe there's just a level of tolerance that you need to have in order to get through this whole situation.
Which is, again, just very difficult to find the best path forward.
The truth of the matter is, if this man hasn't changed at all, if he hasn't grown up, I mean, I have no idea how old he is. He could be like 20. I don't know.
(27:37):
Maybe he's not as old as I think he is.
The way you described him, your best friend and all, that sounds like maybe he is probably in his 30s, close to that.
So there's definitely a huge discrepancy here.
And frankly, the whole thing just stinks. It's terrible to think about.
It's terrible to have to deal with.
And it's terrible that he's now connected to you through your daughter.
(28:02):
Let me conclude this by saying, this may be the worst advice I've ever given. It could be. Or it could be good advice. I don't know. I honestly don't know.
Because if I'm in that position and I try on being you, it's a very dark road. I have dark thoughts.
I would control my dark thoughts, but I have these dark thoughts and I want to do something about it.
(28:27):
And I probably wouldn't be able to do anything about it except say the things I said to you. Huge, huge challenge.
But I do know where my priorities would lie and that's where my focus would be.
On my child and if they, God forbid, have children, on her children.
And just be ready because she will probably come to you one day and say, Mom, Mom, you were right about him.
(28:53):
And then you might have to deal with a whole new set of challenges, but hopefully that would start the process of unraveling
everything that has happened and going forward in a more positive way, better way. I don't know. Again, huge challenge.
I hope whoever wrote that is in a better place today.
(29:15):
Maybe they've broken up since you wrote that because that's been sitting in my inbox for a long time.
Or maybe things did work out in ways that I didn't even think about.
I wish you much strength through this.
Anyone who's dealing with their child who's made a decision that has brought some very difficult people into your life, I hope this helps in some way.
(29:41):
Good luck to anyone out there that needed to hear this.
And I want to thank that person for writing and stay strong.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons of the week, Wanda, Dilek, and Maria, and anyone who gives to the show, sometimes monthly, sometimes one off donations.
I'm very grateful to all of you.
It warms my heart every time I see your names and I so much appreciate your support.
(30:06):
If you value the show and you want to give back too, head over to moretob.com and there are options to do that over there. Thank you again, patrons. I appreciate all of you.
And I have another podcast called Love and Abuse that tells you how to navigate difficult relationships.
It's over at loveandabuse.com and it is all about control and manipulation and emotional abuse and some of the stuff that we talked about today.
(30:32):
So head over there if you need that.
And also, if you are the difficult one in the world, uncontrolling or manipulative or emotionally abusive and you want to
change that about yourself, head over to healedbeing.com and I have a comprehensive program that walks you through everything,
everything, everything you need to know to stop the behaviors and get the best chance at healing a damaged or broken relationship. It's over at healedbeing. com.
(31:01):
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
Today's episode is about a subject matter that your children, if you have children, may ask you questions about.
(00:05):
So if you're prepared to answer questions like that, perhaps listening together will be helpful.
But if you'd rather bring up this topic another time in another way, you may want to listen without them.
This episode is clean as always, but I thought I'd mention that just in case.
Check out the episode description for details. These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
(00:33):
I've talked about sexual abuse and childhood sexual abuse, especially with my wife, Asha, who experienced it as a child. So she has dealt with it.
She has healed from it and moved on and helps others with it.
But there are times I'll get a message that either I'll address or not, or I'll send people to her.
(00:56):
Every now and then I'll go through my emails and find something I haven't talked about yet specifically.
And in this case, this woman wrote to me and she said that she had a friendship with a guy who they were best friends.
He would come over and sleep on the couch and everything.
But when her daughter turned 18, she moved out and did her own thing.
(01:19):
But the friendship with this guy, the person who wrote to me, her friendship with this guy started to look different, started to feel different.
And so she asked him, what's going on?
And she also suspected that maybe something might be happening with her daughter.
And I don't know if that was during the time he was there or maybe because her daughter is now gone that the friendship changed.
(01:45):
So that really brought up some thoughts about that for her.
And the guy said, nothing's going on with your daughter.
I didn't do anything or whatever he said.
Come to find out her daughter ended up marrying this guy.
And so at the time this guy was coming over, the daughter was around 15 or 16.
(02:09):
And so this adult male was coming over and the woman who wrote to me, she didn't know anything was going on or if anything
was going on, but she feels now that he has had been grooming her while they were together.
And that grooming eventually led to what appears to be statutory rape, maybe child sexual abuse, maybe both. I'm not sure.
(02:34):
And neither is the woman who wrote to me. She's not sure.
But she said that I know most of my feelings come from a tragic past and my own personal experience with pedophiles.
What I don't know is how to deal with the situation in order to strengthen my relationship with my daughter.
And I want to be there for her as much as possible. Your input is greatly appreciated.
(02:56):
She did say that her daughter is talking to her, but she's not sure how to react and treat this person that betrayed her trust and her friendship with this guy.
She said he never once came to me and talked to me about the situation and neither did my daughter.
This is extremely difficult because there was likely not only a crime, but a huge violation, not only in the betrayal of trust
(03:28):
between you and him, but also because of the grooming, because of the, uh, an adult male pursuing a child, which is a predatory
act and is illegal almost everywhere, I think.
And there's also, uh, the, the question of consent, the age of consent in many states in the U S or some states in the U S 16 is the age of consent.
(03:54):
As much as many of us may not like that, especially for an adult, somebody who might be in their twenties, thirties, forties
or older going after a 16 year old.
So there's, there's a lot wrapped up in this legally, emotionally, uh, morally and, uh, all kinds of things.
(04:15):
So this is one of the subject matters I don't touch on too much. I'm not the expert on that.
My wife is much better at doing that and dealing with that, but sometimes I'll get questions.
I just got a question yesterday on an article I wrote a long time ago called, uh, learning that your adult child suffered child sexual abuse.
(04:37):
That's over at the overwhelmed brain.com it was actually an article I wrote from the episode I did with Asha, my wife regarding that.
And it turned out to be one child sexually molesting another child.
So that was a slightly different story, but this whole area around, um, consensual versus non-consensual versus adult and
(05:01):
children and children and children, there's just so much to it and so much wrapped in it.
And everyone involved is in this weird position of talking about it and the victim of the abuse or the statutory rape or whatever
it is often feels alone and unsupported and, um, unbelieved.
(05:23):
A lot of people don't believe, especially when it's in family.
But, um, I don't want to make this entire episode about sexual abuse or child sexual abuse or rape or anything like that.
What I want to talk about is the person's question.
The person's question is, how do I talk to my daughter?
How do I deal with her new husband that was this guy who betrayed my trust and basically raped my daughter?
(05:50):
I mean, she didn't use those words, but this is what I'm getting.
She says that he was an adult going after my underage daughter before the age of consent, I'm assuming.
And even if it was right on the cusp, it's still a major issue in, uh, like I said, legally, morally and all these other issues. So what does she do?
(06:12):
She's got this guy who's now married to her daughter that he groomed and now they're in a relationship and maybe they'll have kids and now what?
I don't have a magic pill for this one. This one is a tough one.
If it were my daughter, I would be, I would be so angry.
(06:33):
I would, I don't know, there, there's just a lot of things going through my head right now.
I'm thinking, how dare he do that to my daughter?
I, I think the very first time I found out I would be so angry.
It might be hard to control, might be hard to control my anger, whatever that means.
I would have to be in that situation, but whatever that means.
(06:56):
But then to find out that my daughter actually wanted to, or was conditioned to groomed, to believe that it was the right thing to do to marry him.
So, oh, there's just so many emotions and it's very complex to find some sense of sanity in everything that has occurred and
(07:22):
all this finding out later instead of finding out in the moment where you can actually deal with it in the moment.
But then looking back and seeing all this stuff that has happened, how do you deal with it?
And again, I don't have the magic pill for this, but I do know, let me just tell you what I do know and how I would approach it.
One of the things I do know is that my daughter is the most important thing in the world. I'm speaking as this mom.
(07:49):
So if I were this mom, my daughter is the most important thing to me in this world or my children or whatever.
And my daughter is someone that I am going to continue loving and supporting no matter what decisions she makes.
So let's just say, here's where I'm going with this.
Let's just say that the daughter doesn't feel like she was coerced.
(08:12):
She doesn't feel like she was manipulated or being pursued by a predator.
She felt like the whole thing was just all good and falling for each other.
She felt like it was a real relationship.
Let's just say that's where she is.
Are you going to continue looking down on your daughter?
(08:34):
I'm not saying you are, but if somebody out there is having a tough time dealing with their child's choices or lack of choices
or having their choices ripped away from them, however you view this, I see it as having a choice ripped away.
Myself, that's how I see it, is that she was groomed, meaning she was brainwashed into believing that this was a good thing for the daughter to do.
(08:59):
The daughter was conditioned or groomed or brainwashed into believing that's the direction she should go with her life, her decisions.
And so who knows what happened, but it happened.
So now I have to trust that my daughter is going to be okay going forward with somebody who groomed her, a sexual predator,
(09:24):
and I have to accept that this is the decision that she made because she's now an adult.
That's the hard part, is that we see our children as our children.
But now she has reached the age of consent where she can make her own choices, even though she was brainwashed into those
(09:45):
choices, but what am I going to do?
Am I going to rip them apart?
Am I going to pursue this legally and rip my daughter's husband away from her because I am having a moral and legal and all kinds of issues with their relationship? Am I going to do that?
Because I know what's going to happen to my daughter if I do that.
(10:09):
I know that she may never talk to me again because maybe she really is in love as much as that disgusts me. Maybe she really is in love.
And if he's treating her okay and they're getting along and she's in love and they're in a whatever happy relationship, do
I want to take that away from her?
(10:32):
As much as I disagree with it, as illegal as it was and as immoral as it was and how disgusted I am, am I going to take that happiness away from her?
And I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't. I'm not giving that advice.
I'm just saying this is how I'd feel in that situation probably.
This is how I would respond and what I would do probably because you don't know what you might do until it happens.
(10:57):
I mean that's typically what happens is that until it happens to us, we don't really know.
But looking at this from the outside, looking in, I don't want the mom to ruin her relationship with her daughter. So there's that aspect of it.
I don't want the mom to make a mistake and have her daughter never talk to her again. There's that aspect.
(11:19):
Am I going to bring it up like, well, he groomed you and he made you think that this was right, but he's still manipulating you.
I mean, am I going to say that?
I will want to, but should I?
If I'm truly prioritizing my daughter's happiness, and I know it's tricky, I know there are people listening right now saying,
(11:43):
yeah, but she's only happy because she thinks she is. She's being convinced that she is. She's still being groomed. She's still being manipulated. I get it. And I'm with you. I'm with you.
At the same time, she's an adult and all I can do, what can I do as a parent?
All I can do is be there for her 100% so that when she figures out what I already believe is happening, continual manipulation,
(12:12):
continual grooming, when she figures that out, she'll have somebody to run to.
Not somebody who is disowning her or upset with her and the daughter's afraid to go to the parent or anything like that.
I don't want to create that tension.
I don't want to create that rift.
I want a solid bridge she can cross to me when she's ready.
(12:37):
It's tough to let her be that way, but this is the decision she is now continuing to make.
And what that also does, allowing her to continue making the decisions that I disagree with.
What I'm doing is accepting her, supporting her, letting her know that I'm there for her and that I love her no matter what.
(13:06):
And that if it makes her happy, as much as it makes me unhappy, if it makes her happy, not that I would tell her that I'm
unhappy, but I would tell her, if that's what makes you happy, then I support it.
I support your decision to continue going in this direction.
I support even your marriage with him.
And I have to hold back the anger. Why would I do that?
(13:30):
When it's not really what I think and not really what I feel, or I mean, I support her happiness, but I don't support that marriage. But why would I do that?
Because I want her to know that I am 100% safe to share anything with.
I want her to know that she can come to me with anything.
And then I'm not going to say, see, I told you so.
(13:51):
Why didn't you come to me sooner? Why did you continue doing this?
I told you he was no good.
Because she doesn't want to hear that.
She wants me to say, hey, what's troubling you? I love you. I want to help you.
And whatever you need from me, I'm here for you.
That's what I'm here for, for you.
So that if you're in trouble, if you have any thoughts, if you want to talk, let's talk.
(14:17):
I'm not going to give you any grief.
I'm not going to give you any resistance.
I'm not going to put it in your face. I'm here for you.
So if you tell me you were right and I should have listened to you, I'm not going to say, yeah, you should have.
I'm going to say, hey, you know, we all make mistakes. We all make mistakes.
Or I'm going to say, you know, it's really hard when you're a kid to make decisions that are going to affect the rest of your life.
(14:42):
And I know that you felt like you were making the right decision.
And I'm here to support you no matter what decision you want to make now.
So this is all I'm here for you to do.
I'm not, I don't want to tell you what to do.
I just want to help you through whatever you're going through.
That allows someone, especially a child, allows them to share with you and feel like they aren't being judged, aren't being
(15:05):
pushed, aren't smart enough to make decisions.
Because a lot of children, they, I mean, even though she's 18, she's an adult, she's still your child.
And a lot of child make decisions that they think are brilliant. And they're not always brilliant.
They're not always smart because they don't have enough life experience.
And this might be one of those things.
(15:27):
And that's also unfair because she was brainwashed. We know this.
She was brainwashed into thinking, oh, it's great to have a relationship with a much older man because older men that go after
13, 14, 15 year olds, they should be trusted.
And we know that's not the case because older men, adult men should know better. They should know better.
(15:54):
And when they don't, here's what happens. And much worse things happen too.
It's one small way to look at this.
Much worse things happen, but I'm not saying that you should do that.
I don't think I would because what happened happened and now I got to deal with it.
And so yes, be there for your daughter.
(16:14):
And I know the person who asked the question, the woman who wrote to me, isn't necessarily saying how do I get along with my daughter?
She's asking, now there's this guy in my daughter's life who used to be my best friend, who betrayed my trust, who groomed
my daughter, and then maybe even raped her, statutory rape, when they're underage, or child sexual abuse.
(16:41):
Whatever it is, according to the law, and of course all the thoughts and emotions regarding your daughter being groomed or
pursued by an adult predator, all of it just rolls around in your mind over and over and over again.
And you just don't know what to do with it, especially now that this person feels like a permanent fixture in your life. What do you do?
(17:06):
How do you deal with the guy now?
I can't give you advice here because I don't know if I could be friends, I don't know if I could be cordial, I don't know
if I would have nice manners around this guy, but I would be there 100% for my daughter.
So we're in a situation where I don't like my daughter's choice of partner, or I don't like my child's choice of partner.
(17:45):
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(19:12):
So, if I don't like my child's choice of partner, should I continue to be angry at I might. Should I give him the finger?
Should I give him dirty looks every time I see him? Probably not.
Because what is he going to do?
He's going to tell my child that I am giving him the finger and giving him dirty looks and then my child's going to hate me
(19:34):
because I'm not supporting her husband or I'm not supporting her relationship. And it's clear.
So, I'm doing all these aggressive or passive aggressive things that my daughter catches wind of and that will definitely create a rift.
I'm assuming it will create a rift between my daughter and I.
And the other question is, does my daughter know why I'm upset about their marriage?
(19:56):
If my daughter didn't know why I was upset that she got married to this guy, then me coming out and saying, I hate your husband
or whatever is going to be even worse because there's no foundational conversation that we had.
I'm assuming there was a conversation between this woman and her daughter previous, but I can't imagine that went well because
(20:18):
if the daughter developed feelings, then children and teenagers that have feelings of falling in love typically believe that no one understands but them.
You know, no one understands that we have a great relationship and he really loves me.
And so they will close off from the world or ignore comments that aren't supportive.
(20:42):
So they will shut people out telling people, you don't understand.
He loves me and I believe him.
They're going to say things like that, which is why it's so important to support the child 100% so that they don't think that
you are going to just give them hell every time they bring up their relationship.
They need to know you're a safe person to talk to. Now back to this guy. What do you do? How do you treat him? What do you say? This is so hard.
(21:13):
How do you treat someone that you know or believe did something like this? What do you do? I don't know. I really don't know.
Because you want to support your daughter, you want to be there for your child, yet you have this man that could have done some horrible things.
I don't know if I have a good answer for this.
(21:35):
I know if it were me and my daughter were happy, I might take the man aside and say, Hey, look, I know what went down and I won't forgive you for that.
But if my daughter is happy with you and you are treating her right, then I support her and her decisions.
(21:56):
But I don't trust you and I may not ever trust you.
Maybe someday in the future this will change, but you know, we were friends and you hid things from me.
You started acting weird when she left and I know something went down.
But because I love my daughter, I want her to be happy.
And as long as you're making her happy, then I'm going to be okay with her decision. I may not like it.
(22:23):
I may not accept it, but I accept her.
I accept her making the decisions that are right for her, even though I think she's making a huge mistake, but I hope you
prove me wrong or she proves me wrong someday and maybe this will change.
But honestly, I don't think it can and I don't think it will, but I don't want to have any stress or strain in my daughter's life.
(22:49):
So I think we should just get along in a civil manner and we don't have to hang out. We don't have to talk.
And maybe someday you'll tell me the truth.
Maybe you will, I hope so, because if you're going to be my son-in-law, I want you to be transparent with me.
I want you to be honest with me.
(23:10):
That way we can put it on the table and just have it out there.
And I can't tell you that I'm going to get past it, but this is how I feel.
And I love my daughter and I always will.
So just make sure you don't screw it up.
Make sure you don't hurt her, because if you hurt her, I will hurt you.
(23:30):
I mean, I'm not telling you to do this.
I'm not telling anyone listening or the person who wrote to me to do this or say this.
I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes, which is incredibly difficult.
And I know people are listening right now saying, you shouldn't even say that, Paul. You shouldn't even go there.
You should just be unaccepting and you should break them up maybe.
(23:51):
Because it was all based on this sexual predator who got your daughter in his clutches and now look at it.
And it's just so hard because you don't want to be your child's enemy.
You want to be there for them.
And if they're making a choice to be with someone that maybe you hate and maybe you know was doing the wrong, immoral, illegal,
(24:17):
predatory thing, you still don't want to be your child's enemy. And that's how I see it. And that's where my focus goes.
And so no matter who my daughter, my child, whoever brings into their life, I have to choose to accept their decision unless something active is going on.
(24:39):
And I know what's the next step here.
The next step is maybe have children. And are those children in danger? Believe me, that comes up too. That's fresh in my mind.
I do not want that to happen.
I would worry about that as well.
And maybe somebody will say, your child was close to the age of consent.
It's not like they were a toddler. It doesn't matter. It's my child.
(25:03):
And my child was being pursued by a full grown male.
And that scares the hell out of me. Some problems can't be resolved.
They can only be dealt with in the best way going forward without ruining important relationships.
(25:24):
The relationship you have with your child you don't have with other people except maybe your other children, if you have children.
And if you have a child that you once got along with great and they've made a bad decision and brought in a bad person, you
want to make sure that you are their stable rock.
(25:44):
That they can come to when all things go bad.
When things go terrible in their life. When they're hurt.
When there is a breakup, you want her to come to you.
I'm talking to the person who wrote.
You want your daughter to come to you. So what do you do?
You try to keep things as civil as possible.
And again, I don't want to give you that advice because maybe you're so angry that you will hate that man.
(26:13):
And never be able to let it down and let it go.
And I totally understand that and I would never take that away from you if that's what you're feeling.
Just know that that will come across to your daughter as well.
And that's where we just have to be careful not to put a strain on that relationship.
Because your daughter, if this guy is what we think he is, your daughter is going to need you one day.
(26:39):
And if you keep good communication with your daughter and a good relationship with her, she will come to you.
And maybe this will sort itself out.
And I even hate to say that because you might want to get involved.
If they do have kids, you might want to get involved there and pick up the kids and take care of them.
There's so much to consider and I feel really bad that I can't give you a solution to this. Because maybe there's not a solution.
(27:08):
Maybe there's just a level of tolerance that you need to have in order to get through this whole situation.
Which is, again, just very difficult to find the best path forward.
The truth of the matter is, if this man hasn't changed at all, if he hasn't grown up, I mean, I have no idea how old he is. He could be like 20. I don't know.
(27:37):
Maybe he's not as old as I think he is.
The way you described him, your best friend and all, that sounds like maybe he is probably in his 30s, close to that.
So there's definitely a huge discrepancy here.
And frankly, the whole thing just stinks. It's terrible to think about.
It's terrible to have to deal with.
And it's terrible that he's now connected to you through your daughter.
(28:02):
Let me conclude this by saying, this may be the worst advice I've ever given. It could be. Or it could be good advice. I don't know. I honestly don't know.
Because if I'm in that position and I try on being you, it's a very dark road. I have dark thoughts.
I would control my dark thoughts, but I have these dark thoughts and I want to do something about it.
(28:27):
And I probably wouldn't be able to do anything about it except say the things I said to you. Huge, huge challenge.
But I do know where my priorities would lie and that's where my focus would be.
On my child and if they, God forbid, have children, on her children.
And just be ready because she will probably come to you one day and say, Mom, Mom, you were right about him.
(28:53):
And then you might have to deal with a whole new set of challenges, but hopefully that would start the process of unraveling
everything that has happened and going forward in a more positive way, better way. I don't know. Again, huge challenge.
I hope whoever wrote that is in a better place today.
(29:15):
Maybe they've broken up since you wrote that because that's been sitting in my inbox for a long time.
Or maybe things did work out in ways that I didn't even think about.
I wish you much strength through this.
Anyone who's dealing with their child who's made a decision that has brought some very difficult people into your life, I hope this helps in some way.
(29:41):
Good luck to anyone out there that needed to hear this.
And I want to thank that person for writing and stay strong.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons of the week, Wanda, Dilek, and Maria, and anyone who gives to the show, sometimes monthly, sometimes one off donations.
I'm very grateful to all of you.
It warms my heart every time I see your names and I so much appreciate your support.
(30:06):
If you value the show and you want to give back too, head over to moretob.com and there are options to do that over there. Thank you again, patrons. I appreciate all of you.
And I have another podcast called Love and Abuse that tells you how to navigate difficult relationships.
It's over at loveandabuse.com and it is all about control and manipulation and emotional abuse and some of the stuff that we talked about today.
(30:32):
So head over there if you need that.
And also, if you are the difficult one in the world, uncontrolling or manipulative or emotionally abusive and you want to
change that about yourself, head over to healedbeing.com and I have a comprehensive program that walks you through everything,
everything, everything you need to know to stop the behaviors and get the best chance at healing a damaged or broken relationship. It's over at healedbeing. com.
(31:01):
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
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